A few more laughs ....

[colsy]

Irish Beer Troubleshooting Guide

IRISH BEER TROUBLESHOOTING GUIDE
SYMPTOM CAUSE CORRECTIVE ACTION

Feet cold and wet Glass being held at incorrect angle. Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling

Feet warm and wet Improper Bladder Control Stand next to nearest dog,
complain about lack of house training
Beer unusually pale and tasteless

a. Glass empty.

b. You're holding a Coors Lite
Get someone to buy you another beer

Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights You have fallen over backward. Have yourself lashed to the bar

Mouth contains cigarette butts, back of head covered with ashes You have fallen forward See above
Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet

a. Mouth not open

b. Glass applied to wrong part of face
Retire to restroom, practice in front of mirror

Floor Blurred You are looking through bottom of empty glass Get someone to buy you another beer

Floor moving You are being carried out Find out if you are being taken to another bar
Room seems unusually dark Bar has closed

Confirm home address with bartender.

If staff is gone, grab a six-pack to go
and hit the nearest fire escape door.

Run.
Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures

Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations


Cover mouth, open window, stick head outside

Everyone looks up to you and smiles
You are dancing on the table Fall on someone cushy-looking

Beer is crystal-clear
It's water!

Somebody is trying to sober you up Punch him


People are standing around urinals, talking
You're in the ladies' room

Do not use urinal!

Excuse yourself, exit and try the next door down the hall.

Try to get phone numbers before exiting (optional)

Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear You have been in a fight

Apologize to everyone you see,
just in case it was them



You don't recognize anyone,

You don't recognize the room you're in You've wandered into the wrong party See if they have free beer

Your bedroom is painted gray, has a
concrete floor and an interesting steel door.

Toilet may be conveniently
located next to your bunk a. You're in jail

b. You're in the navy
Sleep it off, you can always get out tomorrow.

Don't talk to your new roommate,

and under no circumstances sleep on your stomach

You are dancing to a Village People song,
and your partner is wearing leather chaps You're in a fag bar

Keeping your back to the wall,
edge toward nearest exit.

Do not accept offers for backrubs


Your singing sounds distorted The beer is too weak Have more beer until your voice improves


Don't remember the words to the song Beer is just right Play air guitar

 

[Kywy]

A wee man walks into a Glasgow library and says to the prim librarian,

"Excuse me Miss, day ye hiv ony books on suicide?"

To which she stops doing her tasks, looks at him over the top of her glasses, and says,

"F*** off, ye'll no bring it back!"

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The Liverpool manager flies to Kabul to watch a young Afghani play football.
He is suitably impressed and arranges for the player to come over.

Two weeks later Liverpool are 2-0 down to Newcastle with only 20 minutes
left. The manager gives the young Afghani striker the nod, and on he goes.

The lad is a sensation. He scores 3 goals in 20 minutes and wins the game
for Liverpool . The fans are delighted, the players and the coach are
delighted and the media love the new star.

When the player comes off the pitch he phones his mum to tell her about his
first day in English football.

'Hello mum, guess what?' he says 'I played for 20 minutes today, we were
2 - 0 down but I scored 3, they call it a hat-trick, and we won.

Everybody loves me, the fans, the press, they all love me.'

'Just wonderful,' says his mum, 'Let me tell you about my day …

Your father got shot in the street, your sister and I were ambushed and
assaulted, she would have been raped but for a passing police vehicle.

Your brother has joined a local gang of looters and set fire to some
buildings and all while you tell me that you were having a great time!!'

The young lad is very upset. 'What can I say mum, but I'm really sorry.'

Sorry?!!! Sorry?!!!' says his mum.
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-


'It's your bloody fault we came to Liverpool in the first place!'

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I was standing in a bar in Glasgow yesterday and this little Chinese guy comes in, stands next to me and starts drinking a beer.

I said to him, "Do you know any of those martial arts things, like Kung-Fu, Karate or Ju-Jitsu?"

He says "No, why the fruck you ask me dat? Is it coz I Chinee?"

"No", I say, "It's because you're drinking my beer, you little p***k."


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


at dawn the telephone rings.............................................

"Hello, Señor Bob? This is Ernesto, the caretaker at your country house."

"Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"

"Um, I am just calling to advise you, Señor Bob, that your parrot, he is dead".

"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?"

"Si, Señor, that's the one."

"Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?"

"From eating the rotten meat, Señor Bob."

"Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?"

"Nobody, Señor. He ate the meat of the dead horse."

"Dead horse? What dead horse?"

"The thoroughbred, Señor Bob .."

"My prize thoroughbred is dead?"

"Yes, Señor Bob, he died from all that work pulling the water cart."

"Are you insane? What water cart?"

"The one we used to put out the fire, Señor."

"Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?"

"The one at your house, Señor! A candle fell and the curtains caught onfire."

"What the hell? Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a candle?!"

"Yes, Señor Bob."

"But there's electricity at the house! What was the candle for?"

"For the funeral, Señor Bob .."

"WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL??!!"

"Your wife's, Señor Bob.

She showed up very late one night and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new Ping G15 204g titanium head golf club with the TFC 149D graphite shaft."

SILENCE........................................

LONG SILENCE....................................................

VERY LONG SILENCE...........................................................................

















"Ernesto, if you broke that f#@*#*# driver, you're in deep sh*t."


------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


A devout Arab Muslim entered a black cab in London. He curtly asked the cabbie to turn off the radio because, as decreed by his religious teaching, he must not listen to music because in the time of the prophet there was no music, especially Western music which is the music of the infidel. The cab driver politely switched off the radio, stopped the cab and opened the door. The Arab Muslim asked him, "What are you doing?" The cabbie answered, "In the time of the prophet there were no taxis, so f**k off and wait for a camel!"

 

[colsy]

Sweden

A young ventriloquist is touring Sweden and one night, he's doing a show in a small fishing town. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes.

Suddenly, a blond woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting, "I've heard enough of your stupid blond jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype Swedish blond women that way? What does the color of a woman's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's men like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as people. Its people like you that make others think that all blondes are dumb! You and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general...pathetically all in the name of humor!"

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells: "You stay out of this! I'm talking to that little ******* on your lap."

 

[Kywy]

Scottish Life

We can laugh at ourselves :-

 

[colsy]

Night call to the Vet

A dog lover, whose dog was a female and in heat, agreed to look after her neighbour's male dog while the neighbours were on vacation.

She had a large house and believed that she could keep the two dogs apart. However, as she was drifting off to sleep she heard awful howling and moaning sounds, rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together, in obvious pain and unable to disengage, as so frequently happens when dogs mate.

Unable to separate them, and perplexed as to what to do next, although it was late, she called the vet, who answered in a very grumpy voice. Having explained the problem to him, the vet growled wearily, "Just hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs. I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his erection and he will be able to withdraw."

"Do you think that will work?" she asked.

"It just worked for me," he replied.

 

[Kywy]

African Ingenuity

They may not have much money but :----

 

[colsy]

Father of the Year

A man boarded a plane with six children.

After they got settled in their seats a woman sitting across the aisle from him leaned
over to him and asked, "Are all of those children yours ? "

He replied, " No Madam, I work for a condom company. These are customer complaints. "

 

[colsy]

A teacher walks into the classroom to find the word "penis" written on the blackboard. She quickly she turns round but cannot see any guilty faces, so she quickly rubs it off with a duster.
The following day the same thing happens, but the letters are a bit bigger, and as before she cannot find the culprit and rubs it off again.
This carries on till Friday, with the letters getting bigger each day, and by this time the teacher is furious.
She comes in on Monday morning, looks at the blackboard to find someone had written, "didn't you know, the more you rub it, the bigger it gets?"

*****************


A blond woman goes to the hospital.
"What seems to be the problem?" asked the Doctor.
"Something is terribly wrong, I keep finding postage stamps from Costa Rica in my vagina."

The Doctor had a look, chuckled and said "Those aren't postage stamps my dear,
they're the stickers off the bananas"

 

[colsy]

Old Guy

An old guy goes to his doctor for his physical and gets sent to the
Urologist as a precaution. When he gets there, he discovers the
Urologist is a very pretty female doctor.

The female doctor says "I'm going to check your prostate today, but this
new procedure is a little different from what you are probably used to.
I want you to lie on your right side, bend your knees, then while I
check your prostate, take a deep breath and say '99'".

The old guy obeys and says "99". The doctor says "Great now turn over on
your left side and again, while I repeat the check, take a deep breath
and say '99'".

Again, the old guy says "99'". The doctor said "Very good. Now then, I
want you to lie on your back with your knees raised slightly. I'm going
to check your prostate with this hand, and with the other hand I'm going
to hold on to your penis to keep it out of the way. Now take a deep
breath and say '99'.

The old guy begins "One... two... three"...

 

[colsy]

What is a Grandparent?

Grandparents are a lady and a man who have no little children of their own. They like other people's.

A grandfather is a man, & a grandmother is a lady!

Grandparents don't have to do anything except be there when we come to see them… They are so old they shouldn't play hard or run. It is good if they drive us to the shops and give us money.

When they take us for walks, they slow down past things like pretty leaves and caterpillars.

They show us and talk to us about the colours of the flowers and also why we shouldn't step on 'cracks.'

They don't say, 'Hurry up.'

Usually grandmothers are fat but not too fat to tie your shoes.

They wear glasses and funny underwear.

They can take their teeth and gums out.

Grandparents don't have to be smart.

They have to answer questions like 'Why isn't God married?' and 'How come dogs chase cats?'

When they read to us, they don't skip. They don't mind if we ask for the same story over again.

Everybody should try to have a grandmother, especially if you don't have television because they are the only grownups who like to spend time with us.

They know we should have a snack time before bed time, and they say prayers with us and kiss us even when we've acted bad.

GRANDPA IS THE SMARTEST MAN ON EARTH! HE TEACHES ME GOOD THINGS, BUT I DON'T GET TO SEE HIM ENOUGH TO GET AS SMART AS HIM!

It's funny when they bend over; you hear gas leaks, and they blame their dog.

 

[colsy]

Grandparents are a lady and a man who have no little children of their own. They like other people's.

A grandfather is a man, & a grandmother is a lady!

Grandparents don't have to do anything except be there when we come to see them… They are so old they shouldn't play hard or run. It is good if they drive us to the shops and give us money.

When they take us for walks, they slow down past things like pretty leaves and caterpillars.

They show us and talk to us about the colours of the flowers and also why we shouldn't step on 'cracks.'

They don't say, 'Hurry up.'

Usually grandmothers are fat but not too fat to tie your shoes.

They wear glasses and funny underwear.

They can take their teeth and gums out.

Grandparents don't have to be smart.

They have to answer questions like 'Why isn't God married?' and 'How come dogs chase cats?'

When they read to us, they don't skip. They don't mind if we ask for the same story over again.

Everybody should try to have a grandmother, especially if you don't have television because they are the only grownups who like to spend time with us.

They know we should have a snack time before bed time, and they say prayers with us and kiss us even when we've acted bad.

GRANDPA IS THE SMARTEST MAN ON EARTH! HE TEACHES ME GOOD THINGS, BUT I DON'T GET TO SEE HIM ENOUGH TO GET AS SMART AS HIM!

It's funny when they bend over; you hear gas leaks, and they blame their dog.

++ sorry taken from papers written by a class of 8 year olds ++
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

 

[colsy]

Wine Taster Job Opportunity

At a wine merchant, the regular taster died and the director started looking for a new one to hire.

A drunkard with a ragged, dirty look came in to apply for the position.
The director of the winery wondered how to send him away.

He gave him a glass to drink.
The drunk tried it and said:
"It's a Muscat , three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers. Low grade, but acceptable.â€

"That's correct", said the boss.

Another glass....
"It's a cabernet, eight years old, a south-western slope, oak barrels, matured at 8 degrees. Requires three more years for finest results."
"Correct."

A third glass...
''It's a pinot blanc champagne, high grade and exclusive,'' calmly said the drunk.
The director was astonished.

He winked at his secretary, secretly suggesting something.
She left the room, and came back in with a glass of urine.

The alcoholic tried it.

"It's a blonde, 26 years old, three months pregnant - and if I don't get the job, I'll name the father."

 

[colsy]

Beer

This morning I was in luck and was able to buy two boxes of VB cheap at the local supermarket.

I placed the boxes on the front seat and headed back home. I stopped at a service station where a drop-dead gorgeous blonde in a short skirt was filling up her car at the next pump.

She glanced at the two boxes of ammo, bent over and leaned in my passenger window, and said in a sexy voice, "I'm a big believer in barter, old fella. Would you be interested in trading sex for beer?" ...

I thought for a few seconds and asked,
"What kind of beer 'ya got?"

 

[colsy]

Dog for Sale

A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale 'He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

'You talk?' he asks.

'Yep,' the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'

The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so... I told the CIA.

In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a
dog would be eavesdropping.'

'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running...

'But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in.

'I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.

'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

'Ten dollars,' the guy says.

'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'

'Because he's a Bullshitter. He's never been out of the yard.'

 

[colsy]

Resetting the Password

"Sorry, your password has been in use for 30 days and has expired - you must register a new one."



roses



"Sorry, too few characters."



pretty roses



"Sorry, you must use at least one numerical character."



1 pretty rose



"Sorry, you cannot use blank spaces."



1prettyrose



"Sorry, you must use at least 10 different characters."



1****ingprettyrose



"Sorry, you must use at least one upper case character."



1****INGprettyrose



"Sorry, you cannot use more than one upper case character consecutively."



1****ingPrettyRose



"Sorry, you must use no fewer than 20 total characters."



1****ingPrettyRoseShovedUpYourAssIfYouDon'tGiveMeAccessRight****ingNow!



"Sorry, you cannot use punctuation."



1****ingPrettyRoseShovedUpYourAssIfYouDontGiveMeAccessRight****ingNow



"Sorry, that password is already in use."

 

[colsy]

Receptionist !

There's nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you, in a room full of other patients. I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.
A 75-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk. The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?'
'There's something wrong with my ****', he replied.
The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that.'
'Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.
The Receptionist replied; 'Now you have caused some needless embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.'
The man replied, 'You should not ask people questions in a roomful of strangers if the answer could embarrass anyone.' The man then decided to walk out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.
The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes??'
'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated loudly.
The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. 'What is wrong with your ear, Sir?'
'I can't piss out of it,' he replied.
The waiting room erupted in laughter.

 

[colsy]

Camel Sex

A new Marine Captain was assigned to an outfit in a remote post in the
Afghanistan Desert . During his first inspection of the outfit, he noticed a
Camel hitched up behind the mess tent.

He asks the Sergeant why the camel is kept there.
The nervous sergeant said, 'Well sir, as you know, there are 250 men here on the
post and no women. And sir, sometimes the men have 'urges'.
That's why we have Molly The Camel.'

The Captain says, 'I can't say that I condone this, but I understand about
'urges', so the camel can stay.'

About a month later, the Captain starts having his own 'urges'. Crazy with
passion, he asks the Sergeant to bring the camel to his tent. Putting a ladder
behind the camel, the Captain stands on the ladder, pulls
his pants down and has wild, insane sex with the camel. When he's done, he asks
the Sergeant,'Is that how the men do it?'

'Not really, sir, they usually just ride the camel into town... where the girls
are.'

 

[colsy]

Blonde Phone Call

" Hi Mom, How are you?"

"Hi Sally, where are you? I thought you were with your father at the Ace Hardware"

"Yeah we were, but I got arrested, and they've let me make one phone call"

"What happened?"

"Oh, I punched this African woman in the head."

"What on earth, why did you do that?"

"Well it wasn't my fault. Dad told me to find a Black & Decker."

 

[colsy]

Catholic Humour

A young Catholic girl went to confession and said to the priest, "I'm pregnant."

He asked, "How did this happen, my child?"
She said, "I think it must be the second coming."

The priest, shocked by this reply asked, "What makes you think this has
anything to do with the Second Coming?"
She replied, "Because I swallowed the first one ...."

 

[Kywy]

A Few Irish Jokes

· Due to a water shortage in Ireland, Dublin swimming baths have announced they are closing lanes 7 and 8...




· Paddy got a letter from Screw Fix Direct thanking him for his interest, but explaining they were not a dating agency....




· Paddy thought his new girlfriend might be the one but after looking through her knickers drawer and finding a nurse's outfit, a French maids outfit, and a police woman's uniform, he finally decided if she can't hold down a job, she's not for him.




· Murphy is doing some roofing work for Paddy. He nears the top of the ladder and starts shaking and going dizzy. He calls down to Paddy and says "I tink I will ave to go home, I've come all over giddy and feel sick." Paddy asks "Ave yer got vertigo?" Murphy replies "No I only live round the corner."




• After 100 years lying on the sea bed, Irish divers were amazed to find that the Titanic's swimming pool was still full.