A few more laughs ....

[colsy]

Elderly Man

An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years.

He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over.

He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!'

The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.'

Holding the bucket up he said,
'I'm here to feed the alligator...'

 

[colsy]

The Last Kiss

Back on January 9th, a group of Pekin, Illinois bikers were riding west on I-74 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Murray Baker Bridge.
So they stopped.

George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says,

"Hey Baby.....whatcha doin' up there on that railin'?"

She says tearfully, "I'm going to commit suicide!!"

While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," George also didn't want to
miss this "be-a-legend" opportunity either so he asked ..."Well, before
you jump, Honey-Babe...why don't you give ole George here your best
last kiss?"

So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did
just that ... and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed
immediately by another even better one.

After they breathlessly finished, George gets a big thumbs-up approval
from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and
then says,

"Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had, Honey! That's a real
talent you're wasting, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode
with me. Why the hell are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."

It's still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed.

 

[bigbadjay]

Love these!

Needs a like button

Sent from my HTC One X+ using Tapatalk 2

 

[colsy]

Love these!

Needs a like button

Sent from my HTC One X+ using Tapatalk 2

thanks mate. Unfortunately, they have dried up a bit lately

 

[colsy]

Muslim Band

I went to see a Muslim tribute band last night.

They were called “Bomb Jovi”. They were brilliant.

Their last song “Living on a Prayer Mat” almost brought the house down.



Then this Muslim bloke started bragging about how he had the entire Koran on dvd.

I was interested so I asked him, “Can you burn me a copy?”

Well that was when the trouble started…!

 

[Kywy]

Hey colsey, time someone gave you a leetle help


Bloke walks into a pub and asks for a pint of anything except Stout.
Barman asks, "What's wrong with Stout?"
Bloke says, "I had 12 pints of Stout last night and when I came round I was f@cking skint."
Barman says, "12 pints of anything costs about the same."
Bloke replies, "Skint's my dog."


Wife says to husband "you only ever want sex when you're drunk".
Husband says? that's not true.. sometimes I want a kebab"


A man approaches a young woman in a shop.
He says "I can't find my wife, can I talk to you for a few minutes?"
The woman says "Sure, but do you have any idea where your wife is?"
"Not a clue," he says, "but whenever I talk to a woman with t#ts like yours, she appears out of nowhere!"


The Japanese government have thanked Britain for the rescue dogs they sent out to help with the nuclear disaster.
They said they were delicious!


A woman had been on the game for 4 years and was worried about the size of her f@nny on her wedding night so she decided to tell her husband she caught it climbing over a fence.
After an hour in bed with her he said "How far across the field were you before you realised it was caught?"


Sky news report.
The Irish have joined in the attack on Libya.
They sent in three ships - two full of sand and one full of cement.
It was a mortar attack.

 

[Kywy]

School Days

TEACHER: Why are you late?
STUDENT: Class started before I got here.

__________________________________

TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.

__________________________________________

TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?' GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
____________________________________________

TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
__________________________________

TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
__________________________________________

TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
_______________________________________

TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ' I. '
MILLIE: I is..
TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'
________________________________

TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand......
______________________________________

TEACHER: Now, Simon , tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
______________________________

TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's.. Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.

__________________________________

TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher
__________________________________

 

[shnazzle]

Excellent contribution!! Haha. That last post was amazing


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk 2

 

[colsy]

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ yes agreed very good ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

 

[Kywy]

Tasmanian Nights

Thank you for the kind words guys, here's another :-



Tom had been in Police work for 25 years.
Finally sick of the stress, he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in the hills in Tasmania as far from humanity as possible.

He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.

After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing there.

"'Name's Cliff, your neighbour from forty m iles up the road. Having a Christmas party Friday night. Thought you might like to come at about 5:00...'

'Great', says Tom, 'after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks Thank you.'
As Cliff is leaving, he stops.

'Gotta warn you. Be some drinking'.'

'Not a problem' says Tom. 'After 25 years in the business, I can drink with the best of 'em'.

Again, the big man starts to leave and stops.

'More 'n' likely gonna be some fighting' too..'

'Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right! ..
I'll be there. Thanks again.'


'More'n likely be some wild sex, too,'


'Now that's really not a problem' says Tom, warming to the idea. 'I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there..

By the way, what should I wear?'












'Don't much matter. Just gonna be the two of us.

 

[Kywy]

Kilt Stories

 

[colsy]

Howzat !!

A lady walked into a Police Station and the desk Sergeant said "Can I help you?"

"Yes" she said, "I'd like to report a case of sexual assault".

"Where did it happen?" the Sergeant asked.

"In the park just down the road" she replied.

"Can you describe what happened?"

"Yes, I was walking along the footpath in the park near
the trees when a man jumped out of the bushes and dragged me in there, removed my underwear then he dropped his pants to his knees and had his
way with me".

"Could you give me a description of him?"

"Yes, he was wearing white shoes, long white trousers, a
white shirt and he had these two big long pads from his feet up to and over his knees, one on each leg".

"Sounds to me like he was a cricketer, most probably a batsman", said the Sergeant.

"Yes", said the lady, "He was an Aussie Cricketer".

“That's very observant", said the Sergeant, "You worked
that out from his accent?"

"No", she replied. "I worked it out because he wasn't in
for very long".

 

[Kywy]

During a recent password audit by a company, it was found that a blond employee was using the following password:



"Mickey Minnie Pluto Huey Dewe Louie Donald Goofy London"



When asked why she had such a long password, she rolled her eyes and said: "Hello!!!! It has to be at least 8 characters and include at least one capital.

 

[colsy]

Star Trek

The Iranian Ambassador to the UN had just finished giving a speech and walked out into the lobby of the convention center where he was introduced to a U.S. Marine General.



As they talked, the Iranian said, "I have just one question about what I have seen in America."



The General said, "Well, anything I can do to help?"



The Iranian whispered, "My son watches this show called 'Star Trek' and in it there is... Kirk who is Canadian, Chekhov who is Russian, Scotty who is Scottish, Uhura who is black, and Sulu who is Japanese, but there are NO Muslims. My son is very upset and doesn't understand why there aren't any Iranians, Iraqis, Afghans, Egyptians, Palestinians, Saudis, Syrians, or Pakistanis on 'Star Trek'.



"The General leaned toward the Iranian Ambassador, and whispered in his ear, "That's because it takes place in the future..."

 

[colsy]

Mixed emotions

A husband and wife were sitting at the TV watching a program about psychology which was explaining the phenomenon of "MIXED EMOTIONS".
The husband turned to his wife and said ," That is an absolute bunch of crap . I bet you can't tell me anything that will make me happy and sad at the same time ".

The wife said : " Out of all your friends you have the biggest **** " .

 

[colsy]

The Deaf Italian Book Keeper

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, has cheated him out of €10,000,000.00.
His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing and would
therefore never have to testify in court.
When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about the missing €10 million, he takes along his lawyer, who knows sign language. The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the money is."
The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, Where's the money?
Guido signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about." The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you are talking about."
The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's head and says, "Ask him again or I'll kill him!"
The lawyer signs to Guido, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him."
Guido trembles and signs back, "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house."
The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?"
The lawyer replies, "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."

Don't you just love lawyers?

 

[colsy]

This enormous bitch came up to me at the bar last night, she said:

You might not remember me stud, I've put on a bit of weight recently,
but we used to go out years ago.

Wow... seeing you reminds me of The Matrix I said.

Because I'm the one? she cooed.

Nah I replied,

I dodged a ****ing bullet.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Do you know what Rodeo Sex is?


It's when you mount your woman from behind, start going nice and slowly,
take her hair and pull her head back slightly and whisper in her ear
"Your sister was better than you...", and try to hold on for 8 seconds!

 

[colsy]

These were posted on an Australian tourism website, and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a great sense of humor (not to mention a low tolerance threshold for cretins!)
________________________________________________
Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia ? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? ( UK).
A: We import all plants fully grown, and then just sit around watching them die.
__________________________________________________
Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? ( USA)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.
__________________________________________________
Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? ( Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles. Take lots of water.
__________________________________________________
Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia ? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane , Cairns , Townsville and Hervey Bay ? ( UK )
A: What did your last slave die of?
__________________________________________________
Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia ? ( USA)
A: Af-ri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe
Aust-ra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not ...
Oh, forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.
__________________________________________________
Q: Which direction is North in Australia ? ( USA)
A: Face south, and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.
_________________________________________________
Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia ? ( UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.
__________________________________________________
Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? ( USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is ...
Oh, forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
__________________________________________________
Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia ? ( UK)
A: You are a British politician, rigt?
__________________________________________________
Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? ( Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal.
__________________________________________________
Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can Dispense rattlesnake serum. ( USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-mer-ica, which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled, and make good pets.
__________________________________________________
Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. ( USA)
A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them.
You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.
__________________________________________________
Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia ? ( USA )
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
__________________________________________________

Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia ? ( France)
A: Only at Christmas.
__________________________________________________

Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? ( USA)
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.

 

[colsy]

Seniors Travel

A Travel Agent looked up from his desk to see an old lady and an old gentleman peering in the shop window at the posters showing the glamorous destinations around the world. The agent had a good week and the dejected couple looking in the window gave him a rare feeling of generosity.

He called them into his shop, 'I know that on your pension you could never hope to have a holiday, so I am sending you off to a
fabulous resort at my expense, and I won't take no for an answer.'

He took them inside and asked his secretary to write two flight tickets and book a room in a five star hotel. Then, as can be
expected, they gladly accepted, and were off!

About a month later the little old lady came in to his shop. 'And how did you like your holiday?' he asked eagerly.

'The flight was exciting and the room was lovely,' she said. 'I've come to thank you, but one thing puzzled me.
Who was that old bugger I had to share the room with?

 

[Kywy]

Loved the Aussie tourist guide piece, :clap
Unexpectedly confined to hospital bed at the moment, so my contributions temporarily on hold:cry
hopefully back soon.