A few more laughs ....

[colsy]

Not a Blonde joke

Five blokes in an Audi Quattro arrived at an Essex ferry checkpoint.

Tracey, in her brand new uniform, stops them and tells them: "I can't let you on the ferry. It is illegal to have 5 people in a Quattro. Quattro means four. One of you will have to get out and stay behind."

"Quattro is just the name of the car," the driver replies disbelievingly. "Look at the papers: this car is designed to carry five persons."

"You cannot pull that one on me. This is Tracey you're talking to here," she replies with a smile. "Quattro means four. You have five people in your car and you are therefore breaking the law. So I can't let you onto the ferry. It's more than my job's worth to let you all on."

The driver is now very cross and replies angrily, "I’ve had enough of you. Call your supervisor over. I want to speak to someone with more intelligence!"

"Sorry," responds Tracey, "but Sharon is busy with those two blokes in the Fiat Uno."

 

[Kywy]

Finally freed from hospital YEEHAA !!!!!


FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 years old, Hateful little *******. Bites!
___________________________________________

FREE PUPPIES

1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.
________________________________________________

FREE PUPPIES. Mother is a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd.
Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound..
_______________________________________________________

COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED. Also 1 gay bull for sale.
_______________________________________________________

JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer £100.
_____________________________________________________________

WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE.
Worn once by mistake.
Call Stephanie.
___________________________________________________________


FOR SALE BY OWNER. Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes.
Excellent condition, £200 or best offer.
No longer needed, got married, wife knows everything.

___________________________________________________________

 

[colsy]

The Arrogance of Telstra's Authority

An NBN field officer stopped at a Cattle Station in the Northern Territory, and talked with an old Cockie.
He told the Cockie,

"I need to inspect your land in advance of the Optic Fibre installation.

The Cockie said, "Okay , but don't go in that paddock over there......", as he pointed out the location.

The NBN officer verbally exploded saying, " Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me !"

Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removed his ID & badge and proudly displayed it to the Cockie.

"See this badge?! This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land !!
No questions asked or answers given!!Have I made myself clear......do you understand ?!!"

The Cockie nodded politely, apologized, and went about his chores.

A short time later,the old Cockie heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the NBN officer running for his life, being chased by the Cockies big Santa Gertrudis bull......





With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified.
The Cockie threw down his tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of his lungs.....

(I just love this part....)

"Your badge, show him your BADGE........ ! !"

 

[colsy]

Worst scooter rider ever

Right from the start look at the scooter near the top middle of screen that starts by running into oncoming (slow) traffic - stick with it to the end because it just gets better

http://biertijd.com/mediaplayer/?itemid=41302

 

[colsy]

Chinese Wedding Night

A young Chinese couple gets married. She's a virgin. Truth be told, he is a
virgin too, but she doesn't know that.

On their wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheets as her husband
undresses in the darkness. He climbs into bed next to her and tries to be
reassuring.

'My darring,' he whispers, 'I know dis you firss time and you berry
flighten. I promise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting - juss
anyting you want. You juss ask. Whatchu want?' he says, trying to sound
experienced and worldly, which he hopes will impress her.

A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her
request.

She eventually shyly whispers back, 'I want to try something I have hear
about from odda girls... Numbaa 69.'

More thoughtful silence, this time from him.

Eventually, in a puzzled tone he asks her, 'You want... Garlic Chicken wif snow peas?"

 

[Kywy]

A Skiing Tale

Keith decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob.

So they loaded up Keith's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard.

They pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.


'I realize its terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she explained. 'I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house.'


'Don't worry,' Keith said, 'We'll be happy to sleep in the barn, and if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.'

The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.


Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way.


They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.


But about nine months later, Keith got an unexpected letter from an attorney.


It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, 'Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?'


'Yes, I do.' said Bob


'Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?'


'Well, um, yes!,' Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out, 'I have to admit that I did.'


'And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?'


Bob's face turned beet red and he said, 'Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy, I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?'


'She just died and left me everything.'

 

[colsy]

Bible Story

How Adam Got Eve
Adam was hanging around the garden of Eden feeling very lonely..
So, God asked him, 'What's wrong with you?'
Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to.
God said that He was going to make Adam a companion
and that it would be a woman.
Then said, 'This pretty lady will gather food for you, she will cook for you, and once you discover clothing, she will wash them for you.
She will always agree with every decision you make and she will not nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement.
She will praise you!
She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them.
'She will NEVER have a headache and will freely give you love and passion whenever you need it.'
Adam asked God, 'What will a woman like this cost?'
'An arm and a leg.'
Then Adam asked, 'What can I get for a rib?’
Of course the rest is history...

 

[colsy]

Sharing and Caring Mum !

Three virgin sisters were all getting married within a short time period. Mum was a bit
worried about how their sex life would get started and made them all promise to
send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on their first impressions
of marital sex.
The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding. The card said
nothing but: "Nescafe". Puzzled at first, Mum went to her kitchen and got out the
Nescafe jar. It said: "Great from beginning to end". Mum blushed, but was pleased for
her daughter.
The second girl sent the card from the Maldives a week after the wedding, and
the card read: "Rothmans". Mum now knew to go straight to her husband's
cigarettes to read from the pack: "Super strong King Size". She was again slightly
embarrassed but still happy for her daughter..

The third girl departed for her honeymoon in New Zealand .. Mum waited for a week,
nothing. Another week went by and still nothing. A month passed; still nothing.. A card
finally arrived from Auckland on which was written with shaky hand, "Air New Zealand "..

Mum took out her latest travel magazine, flipped through the pages fearing the worst,
and finally found the ad for Air NZ.

'Ten times a day, seven days a week, in all directions.'

Mum Fainted !!!

 

[Kywy]

End of Days

 

[Kywy]

Edinburgh Street Cleaner

 

[colsy]

Arab and the Scot

An Arab Sheik was admitted to hospital for heart surgery, but prior to the surgery, the doctors needed to store his blood in case the need arose.

As the gentleman had a rare type of blood, it couldn't be found locally, so, the call went out.

Finally a Scotsman was located who had a similar blood type. The Scot willingly donated his blood for the Arab.

After the surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman, as appreciation for giving his blood, a new BMW, diamonds and US dollars.

A couple of days later, once again, the Arab had to go through corrective surgery.

His doctor telephoned the Scotsman who was more than happy to donate his blood again.

After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman a Thank-you card and a box of Quality Street chocolates.

The Scotsman was shocked that the Arab did not reciprocate his kind gesture as he had anticipated.

He phoned the Arab and asked him, "I thought you would show your generosity again, & would give me another BMW, diamonds, and money, but you only gave me a Thank-you Card and a box of Quality Street .."

To this the Arab replied, "Aye laddie, but I now have Scottish blood in ma veins .... ."

 

[skeat12]

A coach load of nuns crashed killing all on board. As they were queued at the pearly gates, St Peter asked the first nun, "have you ever sinned?"
Blushing she said "well I have thought about a mans penis"
St Peter directed her to a holy font and told her to splash water on her forehead, as this will wash away the sin.

The second nun was asked "have you ever sinned?". Again blushing, she said "I did see a mans penis once". Yet again she was told to go to the font and splash water on her eyes, to clear the sin.

The third nun said she had touched a mans penis and was told to wash her hands in the font. Whilst questioning the next nun, St Peter could hear a scuffle further down the queue. "Ladies" he said, "what on earth is going on?"

"Well" said sister Mary "I am NOT drinking from that font after sister Margaret has sat in it"

 

[rcky89]

You're not my real ladder!!! I shouted at my stepladder

 

[colsy]

Eec

The British Penny
EU Directive No. 456179
In order to meet the conditions for joining the Single European currency, all citizens of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland must be made aware that the phrase 'Spending a Penny' is not to be used after 31st December 2013 .
From this date, the correct terminology will be: 'Euronating'.
Thank you for your attention.

And who do you think is taking the piss

 

[colsy]

Biology Exam

> Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam.
>
> The last question was, 'Name seven advantages of Mother's milk"?
>
> The question was worth 70 points or none at all.
>
> One student, in particular, was hard put to think of seven advantages.
> However, he wrote:
>
> 1) It is perfect formula for the child.
> 2) It provides immunity against several diseases.
> 3) It is always the right temperature.
> 4) It is inexpensive.
> 5) It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa.
> 6) It is always available as needed.
>
> And then the student was stuck.
>
>
> Finally, in desperation, just before the bell rang indicating the end of
> the test, he wrote:
>
>
> 7) It comes in two attractive containers and it's high enough off the
> ground where the cat can't get it.
>
> He got an A.

 

[colsy]

The Gay Flight Attendant

My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant , who seemed to put everyone
in a good mood as he served us food and drinks.
As the plane prepared to descend , he came swishing down the aisle and told us that 'Captain Marvey
has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly , so lovely people ,
if you could just put your trays up , that would be super.'

On his trip back up the aisle , he noticed this well-dressed and rather Arabic looking woman
hadn't moved a muscle. 'Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines but I asked

you to raise your trazy-poo , so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground.'

She calmly turned her head and said , 'In my country , I am called a Princess and I take
orders from no one.'

To which (I swear) the flight attendant replied , without missing a beat ,
'Well , sweet-cheeks , in my country I'm called a Queen , so I outrank you. Tray-up , Bitch!'

 

[AndyG_TSi]

In the sleepy village of Erbum, in the town of Tillet, Hertfordshire, lives a lady by the name of Linda Lykes.
She owns the local pub, called The **** Inn

Her Address is;

Linda Lykes
The **** Inn
Erbum
Tillet, Herts

The postie still laughs with every delivery

 

[colsy]

Reasons for Sensitivity Training for Men

I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair but, by turning to religion, I was soon able to come to terms with the whole thing. I converted to Islam, and we're stoning her in the morning!

* The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers, so I did. She's 25, and her name's Kathy.

* Went to our local bar with my wife last night. Locals started shouting "pedophile!" and other names at me, just because my wife is 24 and I'm 50. It completely spoiled our 10th anniversary.

* The cost of living has now gotten so bad that my wife is having sex with me because she can't afford batteries.

* A man calls 911 and says "I think my wife is dead". The operator says, "How do you know?" The man says, "The sex is about the same, but the ironing is piling up!"

* I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated, but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said, "You obviously haven't been listening."

* My wife has been missing a week now. The police said to prepare for the worst. So, I had to go down to Goodwill to get all of her clothes back.

* The Red Cross just knocked on my door and asked if we could contribute towards the floods in Pakistan. I said we'd love to, but our garden hose only reaches the driveway.

* I was approached by a lady who asked me to buy a raffle ticket for an African orphan. I said hell no, with my luck I’d win one!

 

[colsy]

Melbourne International Airport

You gotta love this one even if you've never lived in
Melbourne .

>

> Some of you (pilots...) will enjoy this more than others....
Victorians can be so polite!

>

> Melbourne Tower : "Saudi Air 511 -- You are cleared to land on
runway 9R."

>

> Saudi Air : "Thank you Melbourne .. Acknowledge cleared to
land on infidel's runway 9R "

>

> Allah be Praised."

>

> Melbourne Tower : " Iran Air 711 - You are cleared to land on
runway 9R."

>

> Iran Air : "Thank you Melbourne ... We are cleared to land on
infidel's runway 9R. - Allah is Great."

>

> Pause....

>

> Saudi Air : " MELBOURNE TOWER - MELBOURNE TOWER !"

>

> Melbourne Tower : "Go ahead Saudi Air 511..."

>

> Saudi Air : "YOU HAVE CLEARED BOTH OUR AIRCRAFT FOR THE SAME
RUNWAY GOING IN OPPOSITE DIRECTIONS. WE ARE ON A COLLISION COURSE .
..... .. .. ... INSTRUCTIONS, PLEASE!"

>

> Melbourne Tower : "Proceed to your destination and tell Allah
we said "Hi".

 

[nightflight]