A few more laughs ....

[colsy]

Ventriloquist

An English ventriloquist visiting Wales walks into a small village and sees a local sitting on his veranda patting his dog.

He figures he'll have a little fun, so he says to the taff

'Gooday, mind if I talk to your dog?'

Villager: 'The dog doesn't talk, you stupid English *******.'

Ventriloquist: 'Hello dog, how's it going mate?'

Dog: 'Yeah, doin' all right.'

Taff: (look of extreme shock)

Ventriloquist: 'Is this villager your owner?' (pointing at the Villager)

Dog: 'Yep'

Ventriloquist: 'How does he treat you?'

Dog: 'Yeah, real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food And takes me to the lake once a week to play.'

Taff: (look of utter disbelief)

Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your horse?'

Taff: 'Uh, the horse doesn't talk either...I think.'

Ventriloquist: 'Hey horse, how's it going?'

Horse: 'Cool'

Taff: (absolutely dumbfounded)

Ventriloquist: 'Is this your owner?' (Pointing at the villager)

Horse: 'Yep'

Ventriloquist: How does he treat you?

Horse: 'Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, Brushes me down often and keeps me in the shed to protect me from the Elements.'

Taff: (total look of amazement)

Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your sheep?'

Taff: (in a panic) 'The sheep's a F****ng liar !!!

 

[Kywy]

An Observation

A recent quotation

"The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Syria and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the *******s." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively paralysing the country's military capability.

Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose."

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be alright, Mate." Two more escalation levels remain: "Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!" and "The barbie is cancelled." So far no situation has ever warranted use of the last final escalation level.

-- John Cleese - British writer, actor and tall person.

 

[colsy]

I was talking to a girl in a pub the other night and i said " you remind me of my little toe" She said " is that because I'm small and cute? I replied "no, it's because I'll probably end up banging you on the coffee table"

===========================

What hits more balls than David Beckham's right boot?

Elton John's chin.

===========================
For a cheap laugh at your wife's expense... try slipping a party popper into her tampon box.

===========================
I've just received a text from my girlfriend that reads:

"Hello birthday boy. When you get home from work, there'll be a hot bath waiting for you. When you've finished, come into the bedroom and I'll suck you dry "

**** that, it'll take ages. I'll just use a towel.

===========================

A man is in a queue at Tesco and sees this busty blonde staring at him, he can't believe she is staring at him, then she starts waving.

"Excuse me do I know you?" he asks.

"Yes, I think you are the father of one of my kids" she says.

The man thinks back and remembers his one act of infidelity and says, "****ing hell, are you the bird I shagged on me stag do, whilst your mate whipped me, and your other mate stuck a brush up my arse?"

"No," she replies, "I'm your son's English teacher!"

============================

A farmer and his wife were lying in bed one evening; she was knitting and he was reading the latest issue of Farmer's Weekly. He looked up from the page and said to her,
"Did you know that humans are the only species in which the female achieves orgasm?"

She looked at him wistfully, smiled, and replied,
"Oh yes? Prove it."

He frowned for a moment, then said, "Okay."
He then got up and walked out, leaving his wife with a confused look on her face.

About a half an hour later, he returned all tired and sweaty and proclaimed,
"Well I'm sure the cow and sheep didn't, but the way that pig was squealing, I couldn't be sure".

=============================

Toward the end of the golf game, Dave hit his ball into the woods and found it in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups. Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up trashing just about every buttercup in the patch. All of a sudden... POOF!! In a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared.

She said "I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups? Just for doing what you have done, you won't have any butter for your popcorn for the rest of your life. Better still, you won't have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life. AS A MATTER OF FACT you'll never have any butter for anything the rest of your life!

Then POOF!! she was gone!

After Dave recovered from the shock, he hollered for his friend "Fred, where are you?" Fred yells back "I'm over here in the ***** willows".

Dave shouts back "DON'T SWING, FRED! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, DON'T SWING!!"

=============================

I was shagging the neighbour over her kitchen table when we heard the front door open.
She said, “It’s my husband! Quick, try the back door!”
Thinking back, I really should have legged it – but you don’t get offers like that every day.



==============================

Yesterday, scientists for Health Canada suggested that men
should take a look at their beer consumption,
considering the results of a recent analysis
that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer.

The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women.

To test the finding, 100 men were fed 6 pints of beer each.
It was then observed that 100% of the men gained weight,
talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional,
couldn’t drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing,
and refused to apologize when wrong.

No further testing is planned.

 

[colsy]

Best "Comeback line ever" ?

Police work can be entertaining as well as dangerous.
Recently, a female police officer arrested Patrick Lawrence, 22 year old white male, fornicating with a pumpkin in the middle of the night. The next day, at the Gwinntt County (GA) courthouse, Lawrence was charged with lewd and lascivious behaviour, public indecency and public intoxication.
The suspect explained that he was passing a pumpkin patch on his way home from a drinking session when he decided to stop. 'You know how a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around for miles or at least I thought there wasn't anyone around' he stated.

Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purpose, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his pressing need. 'Guess I was really into it, you know?' he commented with evident embarrassment.

In the process of doing the deed, Lawrence failed to notice an approaching police car and was unaware of his audience until Officer Brenda Taylor approached the side of his car.

It was an unusual situation, that's for sure,' said Officer Taylor. 'I

Walked up to Lawrence and he's just banging away at this pumpkin.'

Officer Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence ....

'I said: 'Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you're having sex with a pumpkin?'

He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then he looked me straight in the face and said:

'A pumpkin? **** ... Is it midnight already?'

The court (and the judge) could not contain their mirth.

The Washington Post wrote an article describing this as the 'Best come-back line ever'.

 

[colsy]

Terrible Accident

I woke up swathed in bandages, in a hospital A&E, tubes entering different parts of my body, wires monitoring every function, a gorgeous nurse hovering over me. It was obvious I'd been in a serious accident.
I heard her say, 'You may not feel anything from the waist down.'
I managed to mumble in reply, 'Can I feel your tits, then?'

 

[Kywy]

Seniors Still Need Newspapers

I was visiting my niece last night when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper.

This is the 21st century," she said. 'I don't waste money on newspapers. Here, use my iPad."







I can tell you this. That fly never knew what hit him

 

[colsy]

Reload

A man sunbathes in the nude and ends up burning his penis.
His doctor tells him to ease the pain by dipping it in a cup of

cold milk.
Later, his blonde girlfriend comes home and finds him with

his penis in a cup of cold milk.

'Good heavens', she remarks,

'I always wondered how you guys

re-loaded those things!'

 

[Kywy]

My wife found out that our dog (a Schnauzer) could hardly hear, so she took it to the vet.

The vet found that the problem was hair in the dog's ears. He cleaned both ears, and the dog could then hear fine.

The vet then proceeded to tell Andrea that, if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should go to the store and get some hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.

Andrea went to the store and bought some hair remover.

At the register, the pharmacist told her, "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days."

Andrea said, "I'm not using it under my arms."
The pharmacist said, "If you're using it on your legs, don't use body lotion for a couple of days."

Andrea replied, "I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I'm using it on my Schnauzer."

The pharmacist said, "Well, stay off your bicycle for about a week."

 

[colsy]

3 naked black men

At the National Art Gallery , in Dublin Ireland , a Canadian couple were staring
at a portrait that had them completely confused.

The painting depicted three black men, totally naked, sitting on a park bench.
Two of the figures had black penises but the one in the middle, had a pink penis.

The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting
the painting and offered his assessment.



He went on for over half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation
of the black man in a predominately white, patriarchal society.



“In fact,” he pointed out, “some serious critics believe that the pink penis also
reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society.”



After the curator left, an Irish man approached the couple and said,
“Would you like to know what the painting is really about?”



“Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery?” asked the husband.



“Because I’m the guy who painted it.” he replied.



”In fact, there are no black men depicted at all. They’re just three Irish coal miners.
The guy in the middle went home for lunch."

 

[colsy]

Redhead

David Cameron was looking for a call girl.


He found three such girls in a local pub, a blonde, a brunette and a redhead.

To the blonde he said, I am the Prime Minister of The United Kingdom.

Now how much would it cost me to spend some time with you?'

She replied, "£200".

To the brunette he asked the same question.

Her reply was "£100".

He then asked the redhead...

Her reply was:

"Mr. Prime Minister, if you can get my skirt up as high as my taxes, my panties as low as my wages, get that thing of yours as hard as the times we are living in, & keep it rising like the price of petrol, keep me warmer than it is in my apartment and screw me the way you have the pensioners; then you can have it for free, just like everything immigrants get".

 

[colsy]

>The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon “Quickie” with
their 8 -year old son in the flat, was to send him out on the balcony
with a Mars Bar and tell him to report on all the street activities.
>

>Their 8-year old began his commentary as his parents put their plan
into operation:-
>
>‘There’s a car being towed from the car park,’ he
shouted.
>‘An ambulance just drove past’.
>‘Looks like the Anderson’s
have visitors,’ he called out.
>‘Matt’s riding a new bike!’
>‘Looks
like the Sanders are moving!’
>‘Jason is on his skateboard.
>
>After a
few moments, he suddenly announced, ‘The Coopers are having a shag!,
>

>Startled, his mum and dad shot up in bed! Dad cautiously called out,
‘How do you know that?'
>
>‘Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony
with a Mars Bar.
>

 

[colsy]

The cell phone call

After a tiring day, a commuter settled down in his seat and closed his eyes.

As the train rolled out of the station, the young woman sitting next to him pulled out her cell phone and started talking in a loud voice: "Hi sweetheart.

It's Sue. I'm on the train". "Yes, I know it's the six thirty and not the four thirty, but I had a long meeting".

"No, honey, not with that Kevin from the accounting office. It was with the boss".

"No sweetheart, you're the only one in my life".

"Yes, I'm sure, cross my heart!"

Fifteen minutes later, she was still talking loudly.

When the man sitting next to her had enough, he leaned over and said into the phone, "Sue, hang up the phone and come back to bed."

Sue doesn't use her cell phone in public any longer.

 

[colsy]

A man is in a queue at Tesco and sees this busty blonde staring at him, he can't believe she is staring at him, then she starts waving.

"Excuse me do I know you?" he asks.

"Yes, I think you are the father of one of my kids" she says.

The man thinks back and remembers his one act of infidelity and says, "****ing hell, are you the bird I shagged on me stag do, whilst your mate whipped me, and your other mate stuck a brush up my arse?"

"No," she replies, "I'm your son's English teacher!"

***


THE MORNING SONG....FOR NON-MORNING PEOPLE

I woke early one morning,
The earth lay cool and still.
When suddenly a tiny bird,
Perch on my window sill.

He sang a song so lovely,
So carefree and so gay.
That slowly all my troubles,
Began to slip away.

He sang of far off places,
Of laughter and of fun.
It seemed his very trilling,
Brought up the morning sun.

I stirred beneath the covers,
Crept slowly out of bed.
And gently lowered the window,
And crushed his ****ing head.

***


Little Johnny walks into his dad's bedroom and sees him sliding on a condom. His father tries to hide it by bending over, as if to look under the bed.
Little Johnny asks curiously, "What are you doing, Dad?"
His father quickly replies, "I thought I saw a mouse go underneath the bed."
Little Johnny replies, "What are you gonna do -- screw him?"

***

That cleaning girl at McDonald's was acting so slutty I couldn't tell if the 'Caution wet' sign was referring to the floor or her.........

 

[colsy]

Paddy Murphy and Michael O’Connor are at the Galway races.






Michael whispers to Paddy next to him “Do you want the winner of the next race?”






Paddy replies “”No tanks, I’ve only got a small garden.”

 

[shnazzle]

Time for some Colsy appreciation.
Thanks for keeping us entertained Colsy!! Never miss a post

 

[colsy]

Time for some Colsy appreciation.
Thanks for keeping us entertained Colsy!! Never miss a post

Thanks a lot . No worries glad to be of service and hope they don't offend anyone

 

[colsy]

The Rake

Tom was working in the garden this weekend and his wife was upstairs, about to take a shower. Tom realized that he couldn't find the rake and yelled up to his wife, "Where is the rake?"

She couldn't really hear him and shouted back, "What?"

He pointed to his eye, and then he pointed to his knee and made a raking motion.

His wife was a bit puzzled and again said "What?"

He repeated the gestures. "Eye - Kneed - The Rake"

His wife indicated that she understood and signaled back. She first pointed to her eye, next she pointed to her left breast, then she pointed to her backside and finally to her crotch.

Well, there was no way in hell Tom could even come close to that one.

Exasperated, he went upstairs and asked her, "What the hell was that?"

She replied,


"Eye - Left Tit - Behind – The Bush"

 

[mjstokes85]

Paddy Murphy and Michael O’Connor are at the Galway races.






Michael whispers to Paddy next to him “Do you want the winner of the next race?”






Paddy replies “”No tanks, I’ve only got a small garden.”

 

[colsy]

A young Law student, having failed his Law exam, goes up to his crusty old professor, who is renowned for his razor-sharp legal mind.

Student: "Sir, do you really understand everything about this subject?"

Professor: "Actually, I probably do. Otherwise I wouldn't be a professor, would I?"

Student: "OK. So I’d like to ask you a question. If you can give me the correct answer, I will accept my marks as it is. If you can't give me the correct answer, however, you'll have to give me an "A".

Professor: "Hmmmm, alright. So what’s the question?"

Student: "What is legal but not logical, logical but not legal, and neither logical nor legal?”

The professor wracks his famous brain, but just can't crack the answer. Finally he gives up and changes the student's failing mark into an "A" as agreed, and the student goes away, very pleased.

The professor continues to wrack his brain over the question all afternoon, but still can’t get the answer. So finally he calls in a group of his brightest students and tells them he has a really, really tough question to answer: "What is legal but not logical, logical but not legal, and neither logical nor legal?”

To the professor's surprise (and embarrassment), all the students immediately raise their hands.

"All right" says the professor and asks his favourite student to answer

"It's quite easy, sir" says the student "You see, you are 75 years old and married to a 30 year old woman, which is legal, but not logical.

Your wife has a 22 year old lover, which is logical, but not legal. And your wife's lover failed his exam but you've just given him an "A", which is neither legal, nor logical."

 

[colsy]

The Ostrich

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders.
The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to The ostrich, "What's yours?"

"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $9.40 please"

The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man Says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke."

The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."

Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again.
"The usual?" asks the waitress.
"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad," says the man.
"Same," says the ostrich.
Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62."
Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, Sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?"

"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes.
My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money Would always be there."

"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would ask for a Million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"

"That's right. Whether it's a litre of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.

The waitress asks, "What's with the ostrich?"

The man sighs, pauses and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with a big ass and long legs who agrees with everything I say.."