A few more laughs ....

[colsy]

A Damn fine explanation

The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman.
And she was upset. 'You are a disrespectful pig!' she cried. 'How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the Mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce right away!' And the husband replied, 'Hang on just a minute love, so at least I can tell you what happened.'

'Go ahead,' she sobbed,' but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!'
And the husband began -- 'Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out, and defenceless, that I took pity on her, and let her into the car.
I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed, and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days.
So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments.
Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away.
Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't wear, because you say they are too tight.
I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear, because I don't have good taste.
I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear, just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear, because someone at work has a pair the same.'
The husband took a quick breath and continued - 'She was so grateful for my understanding and help, that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said,




'Please ... Do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?

 

[colsy]

Bad for your legs

A man walks into a bar and sees an attractive woman sitting by herself and asks,
"May I buy you a cocktail?"
"No thank you," she replies, "alcohol is bad for my legs.”
“Sorry to hear that, do they swell?”
“No they spread.”

 

[colsy]

Two Tasmanians were sitting around talking one afternoon over a cold beer.

After a while the first Tasmanian says to the second, "If I was to sneak over to your house and make love to your wife while you was off fishing’, and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us related?”

The second Tasmanian crooked his head sideways for a minute, scratched his head, and squinted his eyes, thinking real hard about the question.

Finally, he says, "Well, I don't know about related, but I reckon it’d make us even."

 

[colsy]

The Straw Hat

A man was sunbathing naked at the beach.
For the sake of civility, and to keep it from
getting sunburned, he had a hat over his private parts.
A woman walks past and says, chuckling,
"If you were a gentleman you'd lift your hat."
He raised an eyebrow and replied,
>

>

>

>

>

. "If you were better looking it would lift itself."

 

[colsy]

Tale of two Dwarfs

Two dwarfs go into a bar where they pick up two working girls and take
> them to their separate hotel rooms for a little extra curricular.
>
> The first dwarf, however, is unable to get an erection.
>
> His depression is made worse by the fact that, from the next room, he
> hears his friend shouting out cries of, "Here I come again!
> ONE,TWO,THREE ......UGH!" "Here I come again! ONE, TWO, THREE .....
> UGH!" "Here I come again! ONE, TWO, THREE ..... UGH!" This goes on for
> the whole hour.
>
> Later back at the bar, the second dwarf asks the first, " How did it go?"
>
> The first mutters,
>
> "It was embarrassing. I just couldn't get an erection."
>
> The second dwarf shook his head.
>
> "You think that's embarrassing I couldn't get on the bed"

 

[colsy]

SIMPLE TRUTH 1:



Lovers help each other undress before sex.

However after sex, they always dress on their own.



Moral of the story: In life, no one helps you once you're screwed.





FIVE RULES TO REMEMBER IN LIFE:



1. Money cannot buy happiness, but it's more comfortable to cry in a Corvette than on a bicycle.



2. Forgive your enemy, but remember the ass-hole's name.



3. If you help someone when they're in trouble, they will remember you when they're in trouble again.



4. Many people are alive only because it's illegal to shoot them.



5. Alcohol does not solve any problems, but then neither does milk.



BONUS:

Condoms don't guarantee safe sex.

A friend of mine was wearing one, when he was shot by the woman's husband.





AND, from the don’t you hate when that happens? file





I was standing in Murray’s Pub yesterday and this little Chinese guy comes in, stands next to me and starts drinking a beer.

I said to him, "Do you know any of those martial arts things, like Kung-Fu, Karate or Ju-Jitsu?"





He says "No, why the fluck you ask me dat, is it coz I Chinee"?



"No", I said, "It's because you're drinking my beer you little *****".

 

[colsy]

German joke of the week

Angela Merkel arrives at Passport Control in Paris airport.
"Nationality?" asks the immigration officer.
"German," she replies.
"Occupation?"
"No, just here for a few days."

 

[betty_swollox]

A man was sunbathing naked at the beach.
For the sake of civility, and to keep it from
getting sunburned, he had a hat over his private parts.
A woman walks past and says, chuckling,
"If you were a gentleman you'd lift your hat."
He raised an eyebrow and replied,
>

>

>

>

>

. "If you were better looking it would lift itself."

hahahahahah

 

[colsy]

Sunday Jokes

^^^^^^^^^^^ glad you liked it ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^



After having their 11th child, a Newcastle couple decided that was enough, as the social
wouldn't buy them a bigger bed and they weren't strong enough to steal one so the husband
went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children.
The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that would fix the problem but it was expensive.
A less costly alternative was to go home, get a firework, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.
The Geordie said to the doctor, 'I may not be the smartest guy in the world, but I don't see how putting a firework
in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me.' 'Trust me, it will do the job', said the doctor.
So the man went home, lit a banger and put it in a beer can.
He held the can up to his ear and began to count: '1, 2, 3, 4, 5,' at which point he paused
and placed the beer can between his legs so he could continue counting on his other hand.
This procedure also works in Middlesbrough, parts of Sunderland and anywhere in Wales .......

 

[colsy]

Snow White !! (With a Scottish twist )

The seven dwarfs always left early each morning to go to work in the mine.

As always, Snow White stayed home doing her domestic chores.







As lunchtime approached, she would prepare their lunches and take

them to the mine.







One day as she arrived at the mine with the lunches, she saw that

there had been a terrible cave-in.

Tearfully, and fearing the worst, Snow White began calling out, hoping against hope that the dwarfs had somehow survived.

'Hello. Hello!' she shouted. 'Can anyone hear me? Hello!'







For a long while, there was no answer. Losing hope, Snow White again shouted, 'Hello! Is anyone down there?'

Just as she was about to give up all hope, she heard a faint voice from deep within the mine,





“VOTE FOR ALEC SALMOND”





Snow White fell to her knees and prayed, Oh, thank you, God!

At least Dopey is still alive!

 

[colsy]

Switzerland

I've just arrived at one of those Swiss suicide clinics.
Cost me 44,000 SwF.

Do you know what the *******s have given me for breakfast this morning?

"Cheerios".

 

[colsy]

Misunderstandings

>
> Two men were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and family values.
>
> Bill said, "I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?"
>
>
>
> Larry replied, "I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?"
> ___________________________________________
>
>
>
> A little boy went up to his father and asked: "Dad, where did my intelligence come from?"
>
>
>
> The father replied. "Well, son, you must have got it from your mother, cause I still have mine."
> ___________________________________________
>
>
>
> "Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce Court Judge said,
>
> "And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week,"
>
>
>
> "That's very fair, your honor," the husband said. "And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself."
> ___________________________________________
>
>
>
> A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took the husband aside, and said, "I don't like the looks of your wife at all."
>
>
>
> "Me neither doc," said the husband. "But she's a great cook and really good with the kids."
> ___________________________________________
>
>
>
> An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.
>
>
>
> The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you."
>
>
>
> The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."
> ___________________________________________
>
>
>
> Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder:
>
> 1. The DNA all matches.
> 2. There are no dental records.
> ___________________________________________
>
>
>
> A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, "Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City?"
>
>
>
> The agent replies, "Just a minute."
>
>
>
> "Thank you," the blonde says, and hangs up.
> ___________________________________________
>
>
>
> Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.
>
>
>
> "How was he killed?" asked one detective.
>
>
>
> "With a golf gun," the other detective replied.
>
>
>
> "A golf gun! What is a golf gun?"
>
>
>
> "I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan."
> ___________________________________________
>
>
>
> Moe: "My wife got me to believe in religion."
>
>
>
> Joe: "Really?"
>
>
>
> Moe: "Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in Hell."
> ___________________________________________
>
>
>
> A man is recovering from surgery when the Surgical Nurse
>
> appears and asks him how he is feeling.
>
>
>
> "I’m OK. But I didn't like the four letter-word the doctor used in surgery," he answered.
>
>
>
> "What did he say," asked the nurse.
>
>
>
> "Oops!"
> ___________________________________________
>
>
>
> While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed
>
> a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty
>
> pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought
>
> my husband's advice.
>
>
>
> "What do you think?" I asked. "Should I get a two piece or an
>
> all-in-one?"'
>
>
>
> "Better get the two piece," he replied. "You'd never get it all in one."
>
>
>
> He's still in intensive care.
> ___________________________________________
>
>
>
> The graveside service just barely finished, when there was massive
>
> clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied
>
> by even more thunder rumbling in the distance.
>
>
>
> The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, "Well, she's there."
>
>
>

 

[betty_swollox]

 

[colsy]

yeah quite funny I thought ,everyone to there own of course

 

[betty_swollox]

> Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder:
>
> 1. The DNA all matches.
> 2. There are no dental records.



that was me fave lol

 

[colsy]

> Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder:
>
> 1. The DNA all matches.
> 2. There are no dental records.



that was me fave lol

haha with you on that one fella

 

[colsy]

SHORT MEDICAL SCHOOL EXAM

When I took the entrance exam for medical school, I was perplexed by this question:

"Rearrange the letters 'P-N-E-S-I' to spell out the part of the human body that is most useful when erect."



Those who answered 'SPINE' became doctors.

The rest are in Parliament.

 

[colsy]

Adult English Jokes

1)
To make it straight, she pulls it...
To make it stand, she rubs it.
To make it stiff, she licks it.
To put it in, she pushes it.
It's hell of a job threading a needle!

(2)
A guy donated blood to his girlfriend. When they broke up, he wanted his blood back.
The girl threw a bloody kotex at him and said I’ll pay you in monthly instalments.'

(3)
Girl in cinema turns sideways and whispers to her boyfriend.
'The man next to me is masturbating!'
Bf: 'Ignore him.'
Gf: 'I can't.'
Bf: 'Why not?'
Gf: 'He is using my hand!'

(4)
The Bio teacher draws a huge PENIS on the board and asks 'Does anybody know what this is?
Dirty Harry says 'Oh, it's a penis and you know my dad's got 2 of them?'
The teacher says '2 of them?'
Harry says 'ya! The little one he uses to pee, and the big one to brush mum's teeth.'

(5)
4 miracles of a woman

Getting wet without taking a shower
Bleeding without getting hurt
Giving milk without eating grass
Making boneless meat hard.

(6)
What is the smallest hotel in the world?
The answer is 'Vagina Inn'
It accommodates only 1 standing occupant with his 2 baggage’s left outside.

(7)
Unborn twins saw a penis approaching.
1st: Papa coming, papa coming.
2nd: U fool, its uncle! Papa never comes with a raincoat!

(8)
A hubby said to his wife, 'I will take a photo of your breasts and frame it....’
The wife said to husband, 'I will take a photo of your penis and enlarge it.'

(9)
At 15, a girl is a SURPRISE.
At 25, she is the RIGHT PRICE.
At 35, a GRAND PRIZE.
At 45, a CONSOLATION PRIZE.
At 55, she is a DOOR PRIZE, and
At 65, a GIVEAWAY PRIZE.

(10)
What did Snow White complain about after having sex with the 7 dwarfs?
Snow White said, 'I would rather have 7 inches at 1 time.
Not 1 inch 7 times.'

(11)
The vagina is the world's best rehabilitation/correction centre.
Even the most violent and aggressive penis comes out humbled, head bowed and reduced in size.

(12)
A loving husband had 'I Love You’ tattooed on his ****.
When he got home, he showed it to his wife.
She said, 'There u go again, trying to put words in my mouth.'

 

[colsy]

A nun walks into a library and asks, "Do you have any books on the immaculate conception, please?"

"Yes," replied the librarian, "over in the theology section. Having a little refresher are we, sister?"


"No," she replied. "I'm pregnant and I just want to make sure I get my story right."

==========================

A man walks into a psychologist's office, naked with nothing but clear Seran wrap wrapped around his body.
The psychologist takes one look at him and says, "I can clearly see your nuts."

============================

 

[colsy]

A Scotsman and his wife walked past a swanky new restaurant.
"Did you smell that food?" she asked. "It's Incredible!"


Being a 'kind-hearted Scotsman', he thought, "What the heck..., I'll treat her!"



So, they walked past it again...