A few more laughs ....

jmc1976

Active Member
Jan 8, 2013
2,363
3
wakefield, west yorks
Text of a letter from a kid from Eromanga to Mum and Dad. (For those of you not in the know, Eromanga is a small town, west of Quilpie in the far south west of Queensland )




Dear Mum & Dad,

I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin' on the station - tell them to get in bloody quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don't hafta get outta bed until 6am. But I like sleeping in now, cuz all ya gotta do before brekky is make ya bed and shine ya boots and clean ya uniform. No bloody horses to get in, no calves to feed, no troughs to clean - nothin'!! Ya haz gotta shower though, but its not so bad, coz there's lotsa hot water and even a light to see what ya doing!

At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs but there's no kangaroo steaks or goanna stew like wot Mum makes. You don't get fed again until noon and by that time all the city boys are buggered because we've been on a 'route march' - geez its only just like walking to the windmill in the bullock paddock!!

This one will kill me brothers Doug and Phil with laughter. I keep getting medals for shootin' - dunno why. The bullseye is as big as a bloody dingo's backside and it don't move and it's not firing back at ya like the Johnsons did when our big scrubber bull got into their prize cows before the Ekka last year! All ya gotta do is make yourself comfortable and hit the target - it's a piece of pie!! You don't even load your own cartridges, they comes in little boxes, and ya don't have to steady yourself against the rollbar of the roo shooting truck when you reload!

Sometimes ya gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real careful coz they break easy - it's not like fighting with Doug and Phil and Jack and Boori and Steve and Muzza all at once like we do at home after the muster.

Turns out I'm not a bad boxer either and it looks like I'm the best the platoon's got, and I've only been beaten by this one bloke from the Engineers - he's 6 foot 5 and 15 stone and three pick handles across the shoulders and as ya know I'm only 5 foot 7 and eight stone wringin' wet, but I fought him till the other blokes carried me off to the boozer.

I can't complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick before word gets around how bloody good it is.

Your loving daughter,

Susan
 

colsy

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Mar 15, 2012
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^^^^^^^^^^^^^++++++++++++^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

very good mate, you giving me some Competition...;) :D

keep em coming .
 
Last edited:

colsy

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Mar 15, 2012
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boom boom,....

I was watching TV with my Gran when a sex scene came on.

Disgusted, she said, "Back in my day we wouldn't have allowed that."

I asked, "Sex scenes?"

She replied, "No, shaven fannies."

======================

Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits.

After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the room, strip off their habits, and paint in the nude. In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door.

"Who is it?" calls one of the nuns.

"Blind man," replies a voice from the other side.

The two nuns look at each other and shrug; deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, they open the door.

"Nice t1ts," says the man. "Where do you want these blinds?"

=========================
A primary one teacher was speaking to her class on the first day of term.

"Alright class, I'd like everyone to tell me what they did over the summer holiday. Remember, you're not at nursery any more, so you need to use grown-up words now. Jamie, you go first."

So Jamie excitedly stood up and said "I went on a choo-choo!"

The teacher grimaced and replied "No Jamie, you rode on a train. Remember, grown-up words. Sarah, you next. What did you do?"

Sarah stood up and exclaimed "I went to see my granny!"

Again the teacher pulled a face and said "No Sarah, you went to visit your Grandmother. You're not in nursery any more, no baby words please. Jimmy, let's hear you?"

Jimmy got up and said "I read a book!"

The teacher smiled.

"Very good Jimmy! Can you remember what the book was called?"



Jimmy smiled with confidence and proudly shouted "Winnie the ****."

======================

According to Psychology Today magazine, women spend 12,000 hours of their lives crying.

Whereas blokes spend exactly the same amount of time not knowing what the **** they've done wrong.

======================

One night a nurse was making her rounds in a nursing home. While walking down the hall, she came across an open door. She looked in and saw old Frank sitting up in bed pretending to drive.

She asked "Frank, what are you doing?" He replied "I'm driving to Toronto". The nurse smiled at him and carried on making her rounds.

The next night as she walked past Frank's room she saw the same thing. Again she asked "Frank, what are you doing?" He replied "I'm driving to Toronto. It"s a two day trip, you know!" The nurse smiled at him and carried on making her rounds.

Five minutes later she came across another open door and looked in. She saw Bob pretending to have sex with someone. She asked "Bob, what are you doing?" Bob replied "I'm ****ing Frank's wife. He's gone to Toronto for a couple of days"...

=======================


Erik Weihenmayer, the first blind man to reach the summit of Mount Everest has said the hardest part of his climb was the last two hundred metres.


"Dragging a frozen labrador's a ****ing nightmare."
........................................

So someone on 4Chan has released hacked nude photos of celebrities including Jennifer Lawrence, the Olson twins and Mila Kunis.

On the one hand, this is a disgraceful invasion of privacy but, on the other hand...

...well, that hand is busy.
 

colsy

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Mar 15, 2012
1,349
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> Husband takes his wife to her high school reunion.

> After meeting several of her friends and
> former school mates, they are sitting at a table where he is yawning and overly bored.

> The band cranks up and people are beginning to dance.
>
> There's a guy on the dance floor giving it large, break
> dancing,moon walking, back flips, buying drinks for people, the works.
>
> Wife turns to her husband and says, "See that guy? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down.
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> Husband says: "Looks like he's still celebrating!!!"
>
>
 

colsy

Active Member
Mar 15, 2012
1,349
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Dover
A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after work cocktail with her
girlfriends when Steven, a tall, exceptionally handsome, extremely
sexy, middle-aged man entered. He was so striking that the woman could
not take her eyes off him.

This seasoned yet playful heartthrob noticed her overly attentive stare
and walked directly toward her. (As any man would.) Before she could
offer her apologies for staring so rudely, he leaned over and whispered
to her, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do,
no matter how kinky, for £20.00...on one condition..."

Flabbergasted but intrigued, the woman asked what the condition was.
The man replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just
three words."

The woman considered his proposition for a moment, and then slowly
removed a £20 note from her purse, which she pressed into the man's
hand along with her address. She looked deeply and passionately into
his eyes, barely concealing her anticipation and excitement, and slowly
and meaningfully said....



"Decorate my house."
 

colsy

Active Member
Mar 15, 2012
1,349
569
Dover
Golf

A group of guys live and die for their Saturday morning
>
> golf game. One transfers to another city and they're lost
>
> without him.
>
>
>
> A new woman joins their Club. When she hears the
>
> guys talking about their golf round, she says, "I played on
>
> my college's golf team. I was pretty good. Mind if I join
>
> you next week?"
>
>
>
> No one wants to say 'yes', but they're on the spot..
>
> Finally, one man says. Okay, but we start at 6:30 a.m.
>
> He figures the early tee-time will discourage her. The
>
> woman says this may be a problem, and asks if she can
>
> be up to 15 minutes late. They roll their eyes, but say,
>
> "Okay".
>
> She's there at 6:30 a.m. sharp, and beats all of them with an
>
> eye-opening 2-under par round. She's fun and pleasant,
>
> and the guys are impressed.
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> They congratulate her and invite her back the next week.
>
> She smiles, and says, "I'll be there at 6:30 or 6:45."
>
> The next week she again shows up at 6:30 sharp. Only
>
> this time, she plays left-handed. The three guys are
>
> incredulous as she still beats them with an even par round, despite
> playing
> with her off-hand. They're totally
>
> amazed.
>
>
>
> They can't figure her out. She's very pleasant and a
>
> gracious winner. They invite her back again, but each man
>
> harbors a burning desire to beat her.
>
> The third week, she's 15 minutes late, which irritates
>
> the guys. This week she plays right-handed, and narrowly
>
> beats all three of them.
>
>
>
> The men grumble that her late arrival is petty games-
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> manship on her part. However, she's so charming and
>
> complimentary of their strong play, they can't hold a
>
> grudge.
>
>
>
> This woman is a riddle no one can figure out. They have
>
> a couple of beers in the Club house, and finally, one of the
>
> men asks her, "How do you decide if you're going to golf
>
> right-handed or left-handed?"
>
>
>
> The lady blushes, and grins. "When my Dad taught me to
>
> play golf, I learned I was ambidextrous," she replies.
>
> "I like to switch back and forth. When I got married
>
> after college, I discovered my husband always sleeps in the
>
> nude. From then on, I developed a silly habit. Right
>
> before I leave in the morning for golf practice, I pull the
>
> covers off him. If his Willie points to the right, I golf right
>
> -handed; if it points to the left , I golf left-handed."
>
> The guys think this is hysterical. Astonished at this
>
> bizarre information, one of the guys says, "What if it's
>
> pointing straight up?"
>
>
>
>
> She says, "Then, I'm fifteen minutes late."
>
>
 

colsy

Active Member
Mar 15, 2012
1,349
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First time Sex

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet, and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.
The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.
At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"
The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.
10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.
Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."
The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your Father was THE Pharmacist.!"
 

colsy

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Mar 15, 2012
1,349
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Dover
Who the hell is Eric ?

Well, Eric is the geezer who got home late one night:
Marilyn his wife was waiting for him with ..........
"Where the hell have you been?"
Eric replies "I was getting a tattoo!"

"A tattoo? What kind of tattoo did you get?"
"I got a hundred dollar note tattooed on my willy" he said proudly.

"What the hell were you thinking?" she said, shaking her head in disgust.
"Why on earth would a Chartered Accountant get a hundred dollar note tattooed on his willy?"

"Well...One, I like to watch my money grow.
Two, once in a while I like to play with my money.
Three, I like how money feels in my hand..
And lastly... Instead of you going out shopping all the time,
now you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want!!"

Eric is presently in the Intensive Care Unit.
I'm afraid there are no visitors until further notice!
 

jmc1976

Active Member
Jan 8, 2013
2,363
3
wakefield, west yorks
The Queen is in Glasgow and she bumped into Alex Salmond.

HMtQ: How nice to see you Mr Salmond.

AS: Nice to see you Ma’am. Now, what are we going to call Scotland when we win Independence ? How about calling it a Kingdom, and then I’ll be a King?

HMtQ: No, we don’t like that.

AS: Empire, and I'll be Emperor?

HMtQ: No.

AS: Alright, so how about calling it a Principality, and then I’ll be a Prince?

HMtQ: No Mr Salmond, I suggest we call it a Country and you can carry on as you are.
 

colsy

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Mar 15, 2012
1,349
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Dover
The kingdom of thailand

In the original native culture of Thailand , when males reached the age of 18 they had to participate in the following community ceremony:
They lay themselves stark naked in a large circle, feet facing inward. A beautiful young naked girl kneels over the ankles of each of the men.
She places a blob of honey and various crushed sweet fruits around his navel to attract flies and insects.
(This keeps them off his face during the ceremony)
A specially chosen nubile and very beautiful naked girl then does a sexy and sensuous dance in the center of the circle.
As soon as all the men become fully aroused, the kneeling girls then reach over the knees, pull the erect penises downwards as much as they can and then, on a given signal from the center dancer, release them.
The men's penises would then spring back up and go "WHAP!" against their belly buttons.
This exercise was a measurement of the strength of their masculinity . . . the man who killed the most flies was elected to the court of the King.
And that, folks, is why the capital of Thailand came to be named Bangkok .
 

colsy

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Mar 15, 2012
1,349
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Dover
Saturday morning jokes

Guy goes to a doctor and says. "D-D-D-Doc... I... I... I... I g-got this this this aw aw-aw-ful stu-stu-stu-stuttering pr-pr-problem. Can you heh heh-heh-help me ow-ow-out? Doctor says "Drop your pants".

Guy says "I ga-ga-got a stuttering pr-pr-problem... wha-wha-why I got to-to-to dr-dr-drop my pa-pa-pants?" Doctor says "I'm the doctor here... do as I tell you!"

So the guy drops his pants and the doctor says "A-HAAA! Just as I suspected. Your penis is too long and this puts excess strain on your vocal cords, thus stretching them and causing you to stutter. We'll do a procedure and cuts some of the length off and you'll be fine".

The guy agrees and the surgery is performed in which a large section is removed. Three months later same guy returns to the doctor and says "Well Doc, you were right. I no longer stutter, but I'm miserable, my girlfriend is miserable, and I'd like you to reattach the section you took off. The doctor says 'N-n-n-no wa-way, bu-bu-buddy!"

.....................................
There was this guy sitting on a park bench muttering to himself and spitting. He would mutter, then spit, mutter, then spit, he would say "Damn, that son-of-a-bitch can drive" then spit "Damn, that son-of-a-bitch can drive" then spit "Damn that son-of-a-bitch can drive"... then spit.

A man sits down next to him and asks him "What's going on here? You keep saying "Damn that son-of-a-bitch can drive, then you spit". "Well" says the guy "my friend just got a brand new sports car, so he calls me and asks me if I want to go for a ride. So, I say sure, why not? He picks me up and we drive up to the mountains. After we have lunch, we start back down the mountain and his brakes go out! He's pumping the pedal, and nothing!! So now we're picking up speed and the road is all twisty and curvy. We're going faster and faster, and it's hard to stay on the road. I've got my fingers embedded in the dashboard, and I'm pleading with him to do something!! We're going about 90 mph now, with a sheer cliff on our right, a 500 foot drop on the other side, an 18 wheeler truck right on our butts, and an overturned motor home right in front of us. Well, I figure this is it! I just knew we were gonna die! So I turned to him and said "Buddy, if you can get us outta this, I'll give you the best damn blow job you've ever had!"

Then he paused, spit and said "DAMN, THAT S0N OF A BITCH CAN DRIVE!!"

.....................................

What did the cucumber say to the vibrator?
Why are you shaking, she's eating me later

.....................................

What did the vibrator say to the cucumber?
If it turned you green i ain't going

........................................

What did the bath tub say to the toilet?
I get as much ass as you do and don't have to deal with any of the ****

.........................................

The teacher asked Jimmy, "Why is your cat at school today Jimmy?" Jimmy replied crying, "Because I heard my daddy tell my mommy, 'I am going to eat that p*ssy once Jimmy leaves for school today!'"

........................................

A husband and wife are trying to set up a new password for their computer. The husband puts, "Mypenis," and the wife falls on the ground laughing because on the screen it says, "Error. Not long enough."

........................................

This guy and his newlywed wife go to the Hilton for their honeymoon night. At the front desk, they check in, and the receptionist gives the groom the key to the bridal suite. Just then he says to the groom "Sir, it is now 6 o'clock, dinner will be served from 7:30 onwards". The groom looks at him and says "Thank you, but we won't be needing any" and off he and his bride go to the room.

The whole evening the people next door to the bridal suite are phoning down to the main desk to complain about all the moaning, which doesn't stop for one minute the whole night.

Next morning at 6am, the groom phones down to room service. "Hi, could I get some breakfast brought up here?" Sure, what would you like?" asks room service. The groom says "Well, I have to replace all the energy I lost last night so you'd better get me 6 fried eggs, 9 sausages, 12 slices of toast and 6 litres of orange juice!" Room service replies "Gee, that's quite an appetite you got there. Is that for your wife as well, or just for you?" "No, that's just for me. Can you send up six pieces of lettuce for my wife?"

Room service asks "Why six pieces of lettuce?" The groom replies "I have to see if she can eat like a bunny too!!"

........................................
 

colsy

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Mar 15, 2012
1,349
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Dover
Japanese scientists have created a camera with a shutter speed so fast, they can now photograph a woman with her mouth shut.

A boy asks his granny, 'Have you seen my pills, they were labelled LSD?' Granny replies, f**k the pills, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?

Little Billy asks his dad for a telly in his room. Dad reluctantly agrees.
Next day Billy comes downstairs and asks, 'Dad, what's love juice?'
Dad looks horrified and tells Billy all about sex.
Billy just sat there with his mouth open in amazement.
Dad says, 'So what were you watching?'
Billy says, ' Wimbledon .'

Wife gets naked and asks hubby, 'What turns you on more, my pretty face or my sexy body?' Hubby looks her up and down and replies, 'Your sense of humour!
 

colsy

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Mar 15, 2012
1,349
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Dover
The Slightly deaf genie

Mick and Paddy were fishing on the Irish shoreline when Mick pulled out a cigar.
Finding he had No matches, he asked Paddy for a light.

'Ya, sure, I tink I haff a lighter,' Paddy replied and then reaching into his tackle
box, he pulled out a Bic lighter 10 inches long.

'My God, man!' exclaimed Mick, taking the huge Bic lighter in his hands. 'Where'd yew git dat monster?'

'Well,' replied Paddy, 'I got it from my Genie.'

'You haff a fecking Genie?' Mick asked.

'Ya, sure. It's right here in my tackle box,' says Paddy.

'Could I see him?'

Paddy opens his tackle box and sure enough, out pops the Genie.


Addressing the Genie, Mick says, 'Hey dere! I'm a good pal of your master.
Will you grant me one wish?'

'Yes, I will,' says the Genie.

So Mick asks the Genie for a million bucks. The Genie disappears back into the tackle box leaving Mick sitting there waiting for his million bucks.

Shortly, the Irish sky darkens and is filled with the sound of a million ducks flying directly overhead.



Over the roar of the one million ducks Mick yells at Paddy, 'What the hell? I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!'

Paddy answers, 'Ya, I forgot to tell yew dat da Genie is hard of hearing. Do yew really tink I asked for a 10 inch Bic?'