Sunday Morning Jokes
Helga hung the wash out to dry, put a roast in the oven, then went
downstairs to pick up some dry cleaning.
"Gootness, it's hot," she mused to herself as she walked down a high
street in Harrow ,UK.
She passed by a tavern and thought, "Vy nodt?" so she walked in and took
a seat at the bar.
The bartender came up and asked her what she would like to drink.
"Ya know," Helga said, "it is so hot I tink I'll have myself zee cold beer."
The bartender asked, "Anheuser Busch?"
Helga blushed and replied, "Vell fine, tanks, und how's yer pecker?"
========================
It's a good indicator that a woman fancies you if, when she's talking to
you, she touches her hair.
If it's her pubic hair, it's a cert.
===========================
This blonde goes to a divorce lawyer and says: "I have serious problems
with my marriage".
Lawyer: "What's the issue?"
Blonde: "You see, he is just too large! Sex is very painful and I can't
bear it anymore."
Lawyer: "In that case, I don't see any choice but to file your petition."
Blonde: "Why should you file mine? Why can't you just sandpaper his?"
==============================
A five year old boy and his grandfather are sitting on the front porch
together, when grandpa pulls a beer out of a cooler. The little boy
asked, "Grandpa, can I have a beer?" Grandpa replied, "Can your ****
touch your ass?" The little boy answered no. Grandpa said "Then you're
not man enough to have a beer."
A little later Grandpa lights up a cigar. The little boy asked,
"Grandpa, can I have a cigar?" Once again, Grandpa asked, "Can your ****
touch your ass?" The little boy answered no, again. Grandpa said, "Then
your not man enough to have a cigar."
A little later, the little boy came out of the house With a cookie.
Grandpa asked, "Can I have a cookie?" The boy asked "Can your **** touch
your ass?" Grandpa replied, "Hell yeah my **** can touch my ass!" The
boy replied, "Then go **** yourself, Grandma made these cookies for me."
===========================
A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, “Dad, how many
kinds of boobs are there?”
The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three
phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm.
In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit.
After 50, they are like onions.” “Onions?” the son asks. “Yes. You see
them and they make you cry.”
This infuriated his wife and daughter. The daughter asks, “Mom, how many
different kinds of willies are there?”
The mother smiles and says, “Well, dear, a man goes through three phases
also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his
30s and 40s, it’s like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s,
it’s like a Christmas tree.” “A Christmas tree?” the daughter asks.
“Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.”
_______________________
Some one asked me how people view lesbians in my country. Apparently
'Usually in HD' wasn't the answer they were looking for.
_______________________
On the bus today, I was sitting next to this really beautiful girl, and
I kept thinking "Please don't get an erection, please don't get an
erection...", but she did.
_______________________
A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th
anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years
ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in
front of you, what was going through your mind?"
The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to **** your brains out,
and suck your tits dry."
Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?"
He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."
========================
This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years,
the only friction in their marriage was the husband’s habit of farting
loudly every morning when he awoke the noise would wake his wife and the
smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.
Every morning
she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making
her sick. He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly
natural. She told him to see a doctor, she was concerned that one day he
would blow his guts out. The years went by and he continued to rip them
out. Then one Christmas day morning, as she was preparing the turkey for
dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the innards,
neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts, and a malicious thought
came to her. She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was
sound asleep and, gently pulling the bed covers back, she pulled back
the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey
guts into his shorts. Sometime later she heard her husband waken with
his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and
the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bath room. The wife
could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears
in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back
pretty good. About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in
his blood stained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit
her lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said, “Honey you were
right… all these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you.”
“What do you mean?” asked his wife. “Well, you always told me that one
day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened,
but by the grace of god, some Vaseline and two fingers. I think I got
most of them back in…….............…..”
==========================
Helga hung the wash out to dry, put a roast in the oven, then went
downstairs to pick up some dry cleaning.
"Gootness, it's hot," she mused to herself as she walked down a high
street in Harrow ,UK.
She passed by a tavern and thought, "Vy nodt?" so she walked in and took
a seat at the bar.
The bartender came up and asked her what she would like to drink.
"Ya know," Helga said, "it is so hot I tink I'll have myself zee cold beer."
The bartender asked, "Anheuser Busch?"
Helga blushed and replied, "Vell fine, tanks, und how's yer pecker?"
========================
It's a good indicator that a woman fancies you if, when she's talking to
you, she touches her hair.
If it's her pubic hair, it's a cert.
===========================
This blonde goes to a divorce lawyer and says: "I have serious problems
with my marriage".
Lawyer: "What's the issue?"
Blonde: "You see, he is just too large! Sex is very painful and I can't
bear it anymore."
Lawyer: "In that case, I don't see any choice but to file your petition."
Blonde: "Why should you file mine? Why can't you just sandpaper his?"
==============================
A five year old boy and his grandfather are sitting on the front porch
together, when grandpa pulls a beer out of a cooler. The little boy
asked, "Grandpa, can I have a beer?" Grandpa replied, "Can your ****
touch your ass?" The little boy answered no. Grandpa said "Then you're
not man enough to have a beer."
A little later Grandpa lights up a cigar. The little boy asked,
"Grandpa, can I have a cigar?" Once again, Grandpa asked, "Can your ****
touch your ass?" The little boy answered no, again. Grandpa said, "Then
your not man enough to have a cigar."
A little later, the little boy came out of the house With a cookie.
Grandpa asked, "Can I have a cookie?" The boy asked "Can your **** touch
your ass?" Grandpa replied, "Hell yeah my **** can touch my ass!" The
boy replied, "Then go **** yourself, Grandma made these cookies for me."
===========================
A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, “Dad, how many
kinds of boobs are there?”
The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three
phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm.
In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit.
After 50, they are like onions.” “Onions?” the son asks. “Yes. You see
them and they make you cry.”
This infuriated his wife and daughter. The daughter asks, “Mom, how many
different kinds of willies are there?”
The mother smiles and says, “Well, dear, a man goes through three phases
also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his
30s and 40s, it’s like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s,
it’s like a Christmas tree.” “A Christmas tree?” the daughter asks.
“Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.”
_______________________
Some one asked me how people view lesbians in my country. Apparently
'Usually in HD' wasn't the answer they were looking for.
_______________________
On the bus today, I was sitting next to this really beautiful girl, and
I kept thinking "Please don't get an erection, please don't get an
erection...", but she did.
_______________________
A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th
anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years
ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in
front of you, what was going through your mind?"
The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to **** your brains out,
and suck your tits dry."
Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?"
He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."
========================
This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years,
the only friction in their marriage was the husband’s habit of farting
loudly every morning when he awoke the noise would wake his wife and the
smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.
Every morning
she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making
her sick. He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly
natural. She told him to see a doctor, she was concerned that one day he
would blow his guts out. The years went by and he continued to rip them
out. Then one Christmas day morning, as she was preparing the turkey for
dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the innards,
neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts, and a malicious thought
came to her. She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was
sound asleep and, gently pulling the bed covers back, she pulled back
the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey
guts into his shorts. Sometime later she heard her husband waken with
his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and
the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bath room. The wife
could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears
in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back
pretty good. About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in
his blood stained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit
her lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said, “Honey you were
right… all these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you.”
“What do you mean?” asked his wife. “Well, you always told me that one
day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened,
but by the grace of god, some Vaseline and two fingers. I think I got
most of them back in…….............…..”
==========================
