A few more laughs ....

[colsy]

jokes

Q: What did the hurricane say to the coconut palm tree?
A: Hold on to your nuts, this is no ordinary blow job!

Q: Whats a condom and a coffin got in common?
A: They both hold stiffs but one is cumin and one is going!

Q: How do you know if you have a high sperm count ?
A: If she has to chew before she can swallow.

Q: Two potatos are standing on a corner, how can you tell which one is a prostitute?
A: The one that says IDAHO!

Q: What did the penis say to the condom?
A: Cover me im going in!

Q: How do you make your girlfriend scream while having sex?
A: Call her and tell her.

Q: Why does Dr. Pepper come (cum) in a bottle?
A: Because his wife died!

Q: Three words to ruin a man's ego...?
A: "Is it in?"

Q: What does a good bar and a good woman have in common?
A: Liquor in the front and poker in the back!

Q: What did the toaster say to the slice of bread?
A: I want you inside me!

Q: What’s the difference between you and eggs?
A: Eggs get laid and you don’t

Q: What do you call mobile ****?
A: Flash Drive

Q: Why are pubic hairs so curly?
A: So they don't poke out your eyes.

One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his wife's arm. The wife turns over and says 'I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh.' The husband,rejected, turns over. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. 'Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?'
******
Some Things You Just Can't Explain
A farmer was sitting in the neighborhood bar getting drunk. A man came in and asked the farmer, "Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day, getting drunk?" The farmer shook his head and replied, "Some things you just can't explain."
"So what happened that's so horrible?" the man asked as he sat down next to the farmer.
"Well," the farmer said, "today I was sitting by my cow, milking her. Just as I got the bucket full, she lifted her left leg and kicked over the bucket."
"Okay," said the man, "but that's not so bad." "Some things you just can't explain," the farmer replied. "So what happened then?" the man asked. The farmer said, "I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left."
"And then?"
"Well, I sat back down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket full, she took her right leg and kicked over the bucket."
The man laughed and said, "Again?" The farmer replied, "Some things you just can't explain." "So, what did you do then?" the man asked.
"I took her right leg this time and tied it to the post on the right."
"And then?"
"Well, I sat back down and began milking her again. Just as I got the bucket full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail."
"Hmmm," the man said and nodded his head. "Some things you just can't explain," the farmer said.
"So, what did you do?" the man asked.
"Well," the farmer said, "I didn't have anymore rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. In that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in
... Some things you just can't explain."
******
Smart-Ass Cop
Two guys are driving through Alabama when they get pulled over by a state trooper. The trooper walks up, taps on the window with his nightstick, the driver rolls down the window, and the trooper smacks him in the head with the stick. The driver says, "Why'd you do that?"
The trooper says, "You're in Alabama, son. When I pull you over you'll have your license ready."
Driver says, "I'm sorry, officer, I'm not from around here."
The trooper runs a check on the guy's license, and he's clean. He gives the guy his license back and walks around to the passenger side and taps on the window.
The passenger rolls his window down, and the trooper smacks him with the nightstick.
The passenger says, "What'd you do that for?"
The cop says, "Just making your wishes come true."
The passenger says, "Huh?"
The cop says, "I know that two miles down the road you're gonna say, ''I wish that jerk would've tried that **** with me."
*******
Heavenly Justice
Once, there was a preacher who was an avid golfer. Every chance he could get, he would be on the golf course swinging away. It was an obsession. One Sunday was a picture-perfect day for golfing. The sun was out, no clouds were in the sky, and the temperature was just right.
The preacher was in a quandary as to what to do, and shortly, the urge to play golf overcame him. He called an assistant to tell him that he was sick and could not do church, packed the car up, and drove three hours to a golf course where no one would recognize him. Happily, he began to play the course.
An angel up above was watching the preacher and was quite perturbed. He went to God and said, "Look at the preacher. He should be punished for what he is doing."
God nodded in agreement. The preacher teed up on the first hole. He swung at the ball, and it sailed effortlessly through the air and landed right in the cup 250 yards away. A picture-perfect hole-in-one. He was amazed and excited.
The angel was a little shocked. He turned to God and said, "I beg your pardon, but I thought you were going to punish him."
God smiled. "Think about it-who can he tell?"
******
Golf Ball
Two Golfers were approaching the first tee.
The first guy goes into his golf bag to get a ball and says to his friend - "Hey, why don't you try this ball." He draws a green golf ball out of his bag. "Use this one - You can't lose it!"
His friend replies, "What do you mean you can't lose it?!!"
The first man replies, "I'm serious, you can't lose it.
If you hit it into the woods, it makes a beeping sound, if you hit it into the water it produces bubbles, and if you hit it on the fairway, smoke comes up in order for you to find it."
Obviously, his friend doesn't believe him, but he shows him all the possibilities until he is convinced. The friend says, "Wow! That's incredible! Where did you get that ball?"
The man replies, "I found it."
******
College Letters
A girl goes into the doctor's office for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a red "H" on her chest. "How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor. "Oh, my boyfriend went to Harvard and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Harvard sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies.
A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a blue "Y" on her chest. "How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor. "Oh, my boyfriend went to Yale and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Yale sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies.
A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a red "M" on her chest. "Do you have a boyfriend at Michigan?" asks the doctor. "No, but I have a girlfriend at Wisconsin. Why do you ask?
*******

Skin Graft
A married couple were in a terrible accident in which the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too thin. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honour their secret. After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty! One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, ''Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you.'' "My darling,'' he replied, ''Think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.''
********
Mental Patient
John and David were both patients in a Mental Hospital. One day, while they were walking, they passed the hospital swimming pool and John suddenly dove into the deep end. He sank to the bottom and stayed there. David promptly jumped in and saved him, swimming to the bottom of the pool and pulling John out. The medical director came to know of David's heroic act. He immediately ordered that David be discharged from the hospital as he now considered him to be OK. The doctor said, "David, we have good news and bad news for you! The good news is that we are going to discharge you because you have regained your sanity. Since you were able to jump in and save another patient, you must be mentally stable. The bad news is that the patient that you saved hung himself in the bathroom and died after all." David replied, "Doctor, John didn't hang himself. I hung him there to dry."
*******
Charlies Wife
In a mental institution a nurse walks into a room and sees a patient acting like he's driving a car. The nurse asks him, "Charlie, what are you doing?"
Charlie replied, "Driving to Chicago!" The nurse wishes him a good trip and leaves the room.
The next day the nurse enters Charlies room just as he stops driving his imaginary car and asks, "Well Charlie, how are you doing?" Charlies says, "I just got into Chicago."
"Great," replied the nurse. The nurse leaves Charlie's room and goes across the hall into Bob's room, and finds Bob sitting on his bed furiously masturbating. Shocked, she asks, "Bob, what are you doing?" Bob says, "I'm screwing Charlie's wife while he's in Chicago!"
******
Blond Cops
A Policeman was drilling 3 blondes, who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the 1st blonde a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?" The first blonde answers " That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye" The policeman says "Well...Uh.. that's because the picture shows his profile" Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second blonde and asked her "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?" The second blonde giggles, flips her hair and says "Ha! He'd be easy to catch because he only has one ear!" The policeman angrily responds, "What's the matter with you two? Of course only one eye and ear are showing because it's a picture of his profile! Is that the best answer you can come up with?" Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third blonde and in a very testy voice asks "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?" He adds quickly "....think hard before giving a stupid answer" The Blonde looks at the picture intently for a moment and says "HMMMM... the suspect is wearing contact lenses." The policeman is surprised and speechless, because he really doesn't know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not. "Well, that is a good answer.. wait here for a few minutes while I check his file, and I'll get back to you on that" He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect's file in his computer and comes back with a beaming smile on his face. "WoW! I can't believe it...it's TRUE! The suspect does in fact wear contacts lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?" "That's easy" the blonde replied. "He can't wear glasses because he only has one eye and one ear!"
*****
Hiking A father came home from a long business trip to find his young son riding a brand new bike.
"Where did you get the money for that?" he asked.
"It must have cost over 300 dollars!"
"I earned it hiking," replied the boy.
"Hiking??? Come on son; tell your Dad the truth. Nobody can make that sort of money hiking. Where did you Really get the cash from?"
"It's like I say, Dad. Every night when you were gone, Mr. Goldberg from the bank would come over to see Mom. He'd give me a 20 dollar bill and tell me to take a hike"!

 

[colsy]

Murphy, a furniture dealer from Dublin, decided to expand the line of furniture in his store, so he travelled to Paris to see what he could find.


After arriving in Paris, he called on some manufacturers and selected a line that he thought would sell well back home. To celebrate the new acquisition, he decided to visit a bar and have a glass of wine. As he sat enjoying his wine, he noticed that the small place was quite crowded, and that the other chair at his table was the only vacant seat in the house.


Before long, a very beautiful young Parisian girl came to his table, and asked him something in French (which Murphy could not understand). So he motioned to the vacant chair and invited her to sit down.

He tried to speak to her in English, but she did not speak his language. After a couple of minutes of trying to communicate with her, he took a napkin and drew a picture of a wine glass and showed it to her. She nodded, so he ordered a glass of wine for her.

After sitting together at the table for a while, he took another napkin, and drew a picture of a plate with food on it, and she nodded. They left the bar and found a quiet restaurant that had a small band playing romantic music.


They ordered dinner, after which he took another napkin and drew a picture of a couple dancing. She nodded, and they got up to dance. They danced until the restaurant closed and the band was packing up.

Back at their table, the young lady took a napkin and drew a picture of a four-poster bed.
To this day, Murphy has no idea how she figured out that he was in the furniture business.

 

[colsy]

A
crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a
local liberal arts college.
There was no
shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom
approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.
“Excuse me,
Sergeant Major but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something
bothering you?”
“Negative,
ma’am. Just serious by nature.”
The young lady
looked at his awards and decorations’ and said, ‘It looks like you have
seen a lot of action.”
‘Yes ma’am, a
lot of action.”
The young lady,
tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said,” You know you should
lighten up, relax and enjoy yourself.”
The Sergeant
Major just stared at her in his serious manner.
Finally the
young lady said “you know, I hope you don’t take this the wrong way, but
when is the last time you had sex?”
“1955,
ma’am.”
“Well there you
are, No wonder you’re so serious, you really need to chill out! I mean no
sex since 1955!
She took
his hand and led him to private room where she proceeded to “relax”
him.
Afterwards,
panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, ”Wow, you
sure didn’t forget much since 1955.”
The Sergeant
Major said, after glancing at his watch,” hope not: it’s only 2130
now.”

 

[colsy]

Sunday Morning Sermon

Lone Ranger
A teacher cautiously approaches the subject of sex education with her fourth grade class because she realizes Little Johnny's propensity for sexual innuendo. But Johnny remains attentive throughout the entire lecture. Finally, towards the end of the lesson, the teacher asks for examples of sex education from the class. One little boy raises his hand, "I saw a bird in her nest with some eggs." "Very good, William," cooed the teacher. "My mommy had a baby," said little Esther. "Oh, that's nice," replied the teacher. Little Johnny raises his hand. With much fear and trepidation, the teacher calls on him. "I was watchin' TV yesterday, and I saw the Lone Ranger. He was surrounded by hundreds and hundreds of Indians. And they all attacked at one time. And he killed every one of them with his two guns." The teacher was relieved but puzzled, "And what does that have to do with sex education, Johnny?" "It'll teach those Indians not to **** with the Lone Ranger."






Day 1
Son : Dad you got called to school!
Dad : Why, what happened?
Son : Maths teacher asked me what is 7x9 n I answered 63
Dad : And...
Son : Then she asked what is 9x7..
Dad : What's the ****ing difference?
Son : That's exactly what I said!!
Day 2:
Son : Dad did you come to school?
Dad : Nope
Son : OK good , cause the gym teacher wants you to come too..
Dad : why? What happened now?
Son : Well first he asked me to raise my right hand, then my left hand, then my left leg and then my right leg....
Dad : So , what did you have to stand on , your **** now?
Son : that's exactly what I said too..
Day 3
Son : Were you in school dad?
Dad : No why ??
Son : I got expelled..
Dad : what the hell happened son?
Son : Well I got called to the principal's office and the maths teacher, gym teacher and art teacher was there ..
Dad : what the **** was the art teacher doing there ?
Son : Thats exactly what I asked






Two men were out playing golf on a nice Saturday afternoon. They were getting frustrated, though, because the two women who were playing right in front of them were quite slow and were holding up the men's game. "Don't they know they're supposed to let us play through?" asked the first man. The other man shook his head. "I'm going to go ask them if we can play through" said the first man, emphatically "Enough is enough". He started walking over toward the women, but as he got close, he suddenly turned around and came back, white as a ghost. "Oh God" he said to his friend "This is awful. You're going to have to ask those women if we can play through. You see, one of them is my wife, and the other is my mistress". The other man shrugged, and said "No sweat". He walked over toward the women, and just as he was getting close, turned around and came running back to his pal. His eyes wide open, he said "Small world!"
--
My flatmate called me gay when I complained that I'd cut myself shaving. "Gay?" I said "Look at the state of my leg!"
--
A teacher asks her class to use the word 'contagious'. Roland the class brat, gets up and says "Last year I got the measles and my mum said it was contagious". "Well done, Roland" says the teacher. "Can anyone else try?" Katie, a sweet little girl with pigtails, says "My grandma says there's a bug going round, and it's contagious". "Well done, Katie" says the teacher. "Anyone else?" Little Johnny jumps up and says "Our next door neighbour is painting his house with a two-inch brush and my dad says it will take the contagious!"





There was this businessman who was getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort, so he thought he'd try to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone, because he didn't much like the idea of her screwing someone else. So he went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him. He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter. He explained his situation. The old man said "Well, I don't really know of anything that will do the trick. We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don't know of anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except... and he stopped.

"Except what?" the man asked. "Nothing, nothing!" "C'mon, tell me! I need something!" "Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is the 'voodoo ****'". "So what's up with this voodoo ****?" he asked.

The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out an old wooden box carved with strange symbols. He opened it and there lay a very ordinary-looking dildo. The businessman laughed, and said "Big ****ing deal. It looks like every other dildo in this shop!" The old man replied "But you haven't seen what it'll do yet". He pointed to a door and said "Voodoo ****, the door". The voodoo **** rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started screwing the keyhole. The whole door shook with the vibrations, and a crack developed down the middle. Before the door could split, the old man said "Voodoo ****, get back in your box!" The voodoo **** stopped, floated back to the box and lay there quiescent once more.

"I'll take it!" said the businessman.

The old man resisted, saying it wasn't for sale, but he finally surrendered to $700 in cash.

The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo and that to use it, all she had to do was say "Voodoo ****, my *****". He left for his trip satisfied that things would be fine while he was gone. After he'd been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny. She thought of several people who would willingly satisfy her, but then she remembered the voodoo ****.

She got it out, and said "Voodoo ****, my *****!" The voodoo **** shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was great, like nothing she'd ever experienced before.

After three orgasms, she decided she'd had enough, and tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked. Her husband had forgotten to tell her how to shut it off.

She decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help. She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive to the hospital, quivering with every thrust of the dildo. On the way, another orgasm nearly made her swerve off the road, and she was pulled over by a policeman.

He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink. Gasping and twitching, she explained that she hadn't been drinking, but that a voodoo **** was stuck in her *****, and wouldn't stop screwing.

The officer looked at her for a second, and then said "Yeah, right...!! Voodoo ****, my ass!"




An Arab has spent many days crossing the desert without finding a source of water. It gets so bad that his camel dies of thirst. He's crawling through the sands, certain that he has breathed his last breath, when all of a sudden he sees a shiny object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him. He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers that it was a Manischewitz wine bottle. It appears that there may be a drop or two left in the bottle, so he unscrews the top and out pops a genie.

"Well, kid" says the genie. "You know how it works. You have three wishes". "I'm not going to trust you" says the Arab. "I'm not going to trust a genie!" "What do you have to lose? It looks like you're a goner anyway!"

The Arab thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right.

"Okay, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plentiful food and drink".

**POOF** The Arab finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen. And he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.

"Okay, kid, what's your second wish". "My second wish is that I were rich beyond wildest dreams".

**POOF** The Arab finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.

"OK, kid, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!" After thinking for a few minutes, the Arab says: "I wish I were white and surrounded by beautiful women".

**POOF** The Arab is turned into a tampon.

THE MORAL OF THE STORY: Be careful of what you wish for. There may be a string attached.






A guy walks into a bar with an octopus. He sits the octopus down on a stool and tells everyone in the bar that this is a very talented octopus. "He can play any musical instrument in the world". Everyone in the bar laughs at the man, calling him an idiot.

So he says that he will wager $50 to anyone who has an instrument that the octopus can't play. A guy walks up with a guitar and sets it beside the octopus.

Immediately the octopus picks up the guitar and starts playing better than Jimi Hendrix. The guitar man pays up his $50.

Another guy walks up with a trumpet. This time the octopus plays the trumpet better than Miles Davis. The guy pays up his $50.

Then a Scotsman walks up with some bagpipes. He sits them down and the octopus fumbles with it for a minute and then sits down with a confused look. "Ha!" the Scot says. "Can ye nae plae it?" The octopus looks up at him and says "Play it? I'm going to **** it as soon as I figure out how to get its pyjamas off!



A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me." She replies, "if your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 1221."






A businessman boards a flight and is lucky enough to be seated next to an absolutely gorgeous woman. They exchange brief hellos and he notices she is reading a manual about sexual statistics. He asks her about it and she replies, "This is a very interesting book about sexual statistics. It identifies that American Indians have the longest average penis and Polish men have the biggest average diameter. By the way, my name is Jill. What's yours?" He coolly replies, "Tonto Kawalski, nice to meet you."










A small white guy goes into an elevator, when he gets in he notices a huge black dude standing next to him. The big black dude looks down upon the small white guy and says: "7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch ****, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound right ball, Turner Brown" The small white guy faints!!

The big black dude picks up the small white guy and brings him to, slapping his face and shaking him and asks the small white guy. "What's wrong?". The small white guy says; "Excuse me but what did you say?". The big black dude looks down and says "7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch ****, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound right ball, my name is Turner Brown." The small white guy says, "Thank god, I thought you said 'Turn around. '"




There was this couple who had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the old gentleman said to his wife, "Just think, honey, we've been married for 50 years." "Yeah," she replied, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together." "I know," the old man said, "We were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty years ago." "Well," Granny snickered, "What do you say...should we get naked?" Where upon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table. "You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago." "I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal!!!!




Two hookers were on a street corner.

They started discussing business and one of the hookers said, "Yep, it's gonna be a good night, I smell **** in the air".

The other hooker looked at her and said, "No, I just burped."






A woman was pregnant with triplets.

She was robbed and shot three times in the stomach. A bullet hit each child. The children were ok and the doctors thought it was more risky to try and remove the bullets than it was to leave them in.

Sixteen years later, the oldest girl came into the room crying to her mother. She told her mother she had to pee-pee and a bullet came out.

The mother told her the story about the robbery and explained to her that it is ok about the bullet.

The next day, the middle girl came crying into the room with the same problem. She had to pee-pee and a bullet came out.

Again, the mother explained the robbery story and the girl was fine.

The next day, the youngest, a boy, came into the room to talk to his mother.

The mother said, "I know son. You were trying to pee-pee and a bullet came out of you."

The son said, "No, momma. I was stroking my "Johnson" and I shot the dog!"



Grandpa watched Tommy pull a worm out of the ground and told him that he would give him 10 bucks if he could put it back in.

Tommy left for a bit and said "Ok Grandpa, watch this". Tommy then pushed the worm right back down in the hole.

The Grandpa got out the 10 dollars and gave it to Tommy.

Tommy said "Grandpa I can't keep this because I cheated. I sprayed the worm with hair spray. That's why I was able to do that."

Grandpa said "No, you keep it."

The next morning at breakfast Grandpa walked up to Tommy and gave him another 10 bucks.

Tommy said "No Grandpa. You already paid me."

Grandpa replied "That money was from Grandma."
*********



At a local college, there was a dance.

A guy from America asked the girl from Sweden to dance. While they were dancing, he gives her a little squeeze, and says, "In America, we call this a hug". She replies, "Yaah, in Sveden, we call it a hug too."

A little later, he gives her a peck on the cheek, and says, "In America, we call this a kiss". She replies, "Yaah, in Sveden, we call it a kiss too."

Towards the end of the night, and a lot of drinks later, he takes her out on the campus lawn, and proceeds to have sex with her, and says, "In America, we call this a grass sandwich". She says, "Yaaah in Sveden, we call it a grass sandwich too, but we usually put more meat in it."
*******

 

[colsy]

Note on the Fridge

I came home from the golf course today.
The wife had left a note on the refrigerator:
"IT'S NOT WORKING, I can't take it anymore!! Gone to stay with my mother."
I opened the fridge, the light came on, and the beer was cold...
What the f*ck is she talking about?

 

[colsy]

Beaten Boy

A seven year old boy was at the centre of a courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him.
The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt,

in keeping with the child custody law and regulations requiring that family unity be maintained to the degree possible.

The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her.
When the judge suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried out that they also beat him.

After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them,
the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him.

After two recesses to check legal references and confer with child welfare officials,
the judge granted temporary custody to the England Football team, whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone.

 

[colsy]

Norman and the Prostitute

Norman, an old retired sailor,
Puts on his old uniform
And heads for the docks once more,
For old times sake and some hot sex.

He engages a lovely prostitute
And takes her up to a room.

He's soon going at it as well as he can for a guy his age,
But needing some reassurance, he asks, 'How am I doing?'

The prostitute replies,
'Well Norman, ya old sailor, you're doing about three knots.'

'Three knots?' he asks. ' What's that supposed to mean?'

She says,
'You're knot hard, you're knot in,
And you're knot getting your money back.

 

[colsy]

Who needs PPI Claims....

Stella Awards
It's time again for the annual 'Stella Awards'! For those unfamiliar with these awards, they are named after 81-year-old Stella Liebeck who spilled hot coffee on herself and successfully sued the McDonald's in New Mexico , where she purchased coffee. You remember, she took the lid off the coffee and put it between her knees while she was driving. Who would ever think one could get burned doing that, right? That's right; these are awards for the most outlandish lawsuits and verdicts in the U.S. You know, the kinds of cases that make you scratch your head. So keep your head scratcher handy.



Here are the Stellas for year -- 2013:

* SEVENTH PLACE *



Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas was awarded $80,000 by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running inside a furniture store. The store owners were understandably surprised by the verdict, considering the running toddler was her own son



Start scratching!

* SIXTH PLACE *



Carl Truman, 19, of Los Angeles , California won $74,000 plus medical expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Truman apparently didn't notice there was someone at the wheel of the car when he was trying to steal his neighbor's hubcaps.


Scratch some more...


* FIFTH PLACE *


Terrence Dickson, of Bristol , Pennsylvania , who was leaving a house he had just burglarized by way of the garage. Unfortunately for Dickson, the automatic garage door opener malfunctioned and he could not get the garage door to open. Worse, he couldn't re-enter the house because the door connecting the garage to the house locked when Dickson pulled it shut. Forced to sit for eight, count 'em, EIGHT days and survive on a case of Pepsi and a large bag of dry dog food, he sued the homeowner's insurance company claiming undue mental Anguish. Amazingly, the jury said the insurance company must pay Dickson $500,000 for his anguish. We should all have this kind of anguish Keep scratching. There are more...


Double hand scratching after this one..


* FOURTH PLACE *


Jerry Williams, of Little Rock, Arkansas, garnered 4th Place in the Stella's when he was awarded $14,500 plus medical expenses after being bitten on the butt by his next door neighbor's beagle - even though the beagle was on a chain in its owner's fenced yard. Williams did not get as much as he asked for because the jury believed the beagle might have been provoked at the time of the butt bite because Williams had climbed over the fence into the yard and repeatedly shot the dog with a pellet gun.


Pick a new spot to scratch, you're getting a bald spot..


* THIRD PLACE *

Amber Carson of Lancaster, Pennsylvania because a jury ordered a Philadelphia restaurant to pay her $113,500 after she slipped on a spilled soft drink and broke her tailbone. The reason the soft drink was on the floor: Ms. Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument.
Only two more so ease up on the scratching...


*SECOND PLACE*


Kara Walton, of Claymont , Delaware sued the owner of a night club in a nearby city because she fell from the bathroom window to the floor, knocking out her two front teeth. Even though Ms. Walton was trying to sneak through the ladies room window to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge, the jury said the night club had to pay her $12,000....oh, yeah, plus dental expenses. Go figure.


Ok. Here we go!!


* FIRST PLACE *


This year's runaway First Place Stella Award winner was: Mrs. Merv Grazinski, of Oklahoma City , Oklahoma , who purchased a new 32-foot Winnebago motor home. On her first trip home, from an OU football game, having driven on to the freeway, she set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the driver's seat to go to the back of the Winnebago to make herself a sandwich. Not surprisingly, the motor home left the freeway, crashed and overturned. Also not surprisingly, Mrs. Grazinski sued Winnebago for not putting in the owner's manual that she couldn't actually leave the driver's seat while the cruise control was set. The Oklahoma jury awarded her, are you sitting down?


$1,750,000 PLUS a new motor home. Winnebago actually changed their manuals as a result of this suit, just in case Mrs. Grazinski has any relatives who might also buy a motor home.

 

[colsy]

4 Doctors

An Israeli doctor says "In Israel, our medicine is so advanced that we cut off a man's testicles, sew them onto another man, and in 6 weeks, he is looking for work".



The German doctor says "That's nothing! In Germany, we take part of a man's brain, put it in another man, and in 4 weeks, he is looking for work".



The Russian doctor says "Gentleman, in Russia, we take half the heart of a man, put it into another man's chest, and in 2 weeks, he is looking for work".



The Australian doctor laughs: "You lot are so far behind Australia. Eight months ago, we took a guy with no brain, no heart and no balls and made him Prime Minister. Now the whole country is looking for work!"

 

[colsy]

THE GYNECOLOGIST WHO BECAME A MECHANIC


A gynaecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and paperwork, and was burned out. Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic. He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could.

When the time of the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill. When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the Instructor, saying, "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade?"

"The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark."
After a pause, the instructor added, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the exhaust, which I've never seen done in my entire career".

 

[colsy]

Subject: Why Teachers DRINK



The following questions were set in last year's GED examination
These are genuine answers (from 16 year olds)

Q. Name the four seasons
A.. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar

Q. How is dew formed
A.. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire

Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on
A.. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are
well endowed

Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections
A.. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an
election

Q. What are steroids
A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs
(Shoot yourself now , there is little hope)

Q... What happens to your body as you age
A.. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental

Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty
A.. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his
adultery
(So true)

Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes
A.. Premature death

Q. What is artificial insemination
A... When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow

Q. How can you delay milk turning sour
A.. Keep it in the cow
(Simple, but brilliant)

Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorised (e.g. The abdomen)
A.. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A,E,I,O,U

Q. What is the fibula?
A.. A small lie

Q. What does 'varicose' mean?
A.. Nearby

Q. What is the most common form of birth control
A.. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium
(That would work)

Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section'
A.. The caesarean section is a district in Rome

Q. What is a seizure?
A.. A Roman Emperor.
(Julius Seizure, I came, I saw, I had a fit)

Q. What is a terminal illness
A. When you are sick at the airport.
(Irrefutable)

Q. What does the word 'benign' mean?
A.. Benign is what you will be after you be eight
(brilliant)

Q. What is a turbine?
A.. Something an Arab or Shreik wears on his head.
Once a Arab boy reaches puberty, he removes his
diaper and wraps it around his head.
(now we're getting somewhere)

 

[shnazzle]

I can't read these in bed when the wife is trying to sleep...

 

[colsy]

Thought they were quite funny as well

 

[colsy]

Saturday Funnies....

LATEST FROM WANDSWORTH PRISON:

Rolf Harris, Max Clifford and Stuart Hall have been approached by
ITV for the next series of "I'm A Paedophile...Get Me Out Of Here!"

===========================

I bought a new perfume for my wife called Chloroform, but she
says she
doesn't like it. She says that it makes her sleepy and her ass
sore.
.................................
Mum used to tell me that having one testicle does not make
someone a freak.

I still say it's creepy, and she should have it removed.
....................................

Dear Rolf,

Just wanted to give you a World Exclusive before it got leaked -

every time you went down on Bindi, you were also tasting me.

See you next week mate.

Max Clifford
.................................................


An old guy goes to his doctor for his physical and gets sent to the
Urologist as a precaution. When he gets there, he discovers the
Urologist is a very pretty female doctor.

The female doctor says "I'm going to check your prostate today, but
this new procedure is a little different from what you are probably used to.

I want you to lie on your right side, bend your knees, then while I
check your prostate, take a deep breath and say, '99'. The old guy obeys
and says "99".

The doctor says "Great" now turn over on your left side and again,
while I repeat the check, take a deep breath and say, '99'". Again, the
old guy says "99". The doctor said "Very good".

"Now then, I want you to lie on your back with your knees raised
slightly. I'm going to check your prostate with this hand, and with the
other hand I'm going to hold on to your penis to keep it out of the way.
Now take a deep breath and say, '99'".

The old guy begins "One... two... three..."

==========================

Once upon a time Little Red Riding Hood was walking through the
forest to her grandmother's house. She was carrying a basket full of
wonderful goodies for her and her grandmother to eat... she also had a
big gun to protect herself in the woods.

One day Little Red Riding Hood came upon a Fox. The fox looked at
Little Red Riding Hood and says "Little Red Riding hood, what are you
doing walking in the forest by yourself? You know if the wolf catches
you he will rip your clothes off and fondle your titties".

Little Red Riding Hood sighs and smiles at the fox and slowly opens
her basket and shows the fox her gun and says "No he won't, see I have a
gun to protect myself". She smiles and skips away from the fox to her
grandmother's house.

Little Red Riding Hood gets deep within the forest when she comes
upon a bear who wanders up to her and smells the yummy food in the
basket then thinks to himself for a second and says "What are you,
stupid, Little Red Riding Hood? You know if the Wolf catches you alone
in the forest he's going to rip your clothes off and fondle your titties".

Little Red Riding Hood shows the bear the big gun in her basket and
smiles "No he won't I have a big gun in my basket..." She pulls out the
gun "See, nothing can harm me". Little Red Riding Hood smiles and skips
to grandmother's house.

Little Red Riding Hood finally makes it to grandmother's house...
and knocks on the door... no one answers so she goes right in. She walks
to the bed, sees the Wolf and screams as the Wolf yells "Little Red
Riding Hood, I am going to rip your clothes off and fondle your titties!"

The wolf reaches out to her and Little Red Riding Hood smiles and
pulls out her gun and yells "No you're not! You are going to EAT ME,
JUST LIKE THE BOOKS SAYS!"

==============================

Q: What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?
A: Wiped his ass.


Q: How can you tell if your wife is dead?
A: The sex is the same but the dishes pile up.


Q: What do the Gynaecologist and the pizza delivery man have in common?
A: They both get to smell the goods but neither one of them can eat it.


Q: How is pubic hair like parsley?
A: You push it to the side before you start eating.


Q: What is blonde, has six legs, and roams Michael Jackson's dreams
every night??
A: Hanson.


Q: What's somewhat brown and often found in children's underpants?
A: Michael Jackson's hand.



Q: Why don't they teach driver's education and sex education on the same
day in Iraq?
A: They don't want to wear out the camel.


Q: What's the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife?
A: A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewellery.


Q: Why did god invent alcohol?
A: So fat women can get laid too.

Q: Why did god create women?
A: Because dogs can't get beer out the fridge.

Q: What's 100 yards long and smells of piss?
A: The Post Office queue on Thursday mornings.


Q: Why don't blind people skydive?
A: It scares the **** out of the dog.A teacher was speaking to her
class on the first day of the new school year.
"Alright class, I'd like everyone to tell me what they did over the
Christmas break. Remember, you're not in kindergarten any more, so
you need to use grown-up words now. Billy, you go first."
So Billy stood up and said "I went on a choo-choo!"
The teacher got upset, and said, "No Billy, you rode on a train.
Remember, grown-up words. Kathy, you next. What did you do?"
Kathy stood up and exclaimed "I went to see my granny!"
Again the teacher pulled a face and said "No Kathy, you went to
visit your grandmother. You're not in kindy any more, no baby words
please. Johnny, let's hear what you got up to!"
Johnny got up and said "I read a book!"
The teacher smiled.
"Very good Johnny! Can you remember what the book was called?"
Johnny smiled with confidence and proudly shouted "Winnie the ****."

Teacher says, "Alright Johnny, just for that you can stay in after
class!"
End of the day comes, and Johnny stays at his desk after class is
dismissed. The room is silent, then the teacher asks, "Well Johnny,
a little bird told me you've got a big penis"
Right there and then Johnny jumps out of his seat, whips out his
schlong and says, "Yep, miss, I've got this!"
Teacher lifts up her skirt, splits the whisker and cries, "Stick
that in here!"
Johnny replied, "You go to hell! My old man told me those things
have teeth in them, and they bite!"
Miss says, "That's not true. Grab that broomstick and give it a try
first"
Johnny gets the broomstick, aims it toward the teacher's snatch,
goes to guide it in. Right then, the teacher rips off a fart for the
ages.
Straight out, Johnny's running toward the door. "****en hell, if it
growls at a bit of wood, imagine what it'd do to a hunk of meat!!!"

==============================

 

[colsy]

Barnsley Zoo

A small zoo in Barnsley acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a
> >> few weeks the gorilla, a female, became very difficult to handle. Upon
> >> examination, the veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in
> >> season and to make matters worse, there was no male gorilla available.
> >>
> >> Thinking about their problem, the Zoo Keeper thought of Albert Tobytyke,
> >> a local lad & part-time worker responsible for cleaning the animal cages.
> >>
> >> Albert, like many Barnsley blokes, felt he had ample ability to satisfy
> >> any female. The Zoo Keeper thought they might have a solution, so Albert
> >> was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to mate with the
> >> gorilla for £500?
> >>
> >> Albert showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter
> >> over carefully. The following day, he announced that he would accept
> >> their offer, but only under four conditions:
> >>
> >> 1. "First up", Albert said, "No kissin' on't lips." The Keeper quickly
> >> agreed to this condition.
> >>
> >> 2. "Secund", he said, "Tha' can't ever tell anybody abaht this." The
> >> Keeper again readily agreed to this condition.
> >>
> >> 3. "Thurd", Albert said, "Ah want all't bairns raised as Barnsley fans."
> >> Once again it was agreed.
> >>
> >> 4. "And last of all", Albert stated, "Tha's got to gi me another week to
> >> come up wi' 500 quid

 

[colsy]

Politically Correct Joke

As it's no longer politically correct to direct a joke at any racial or ethnic minority, try this one:

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Gurkha, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, a German, a Yank, an Egyptian, a Jap, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Jordanian, a Kiwi, a Swede, a Finn, a Canadian, an Israeli, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian, an Argentinian, a Libyan, a Muslim, a Hindu, a Buddhist and an African went to a night club.


Wait for it!


The bouncer said, "Sorry, I can't let you in without a Thai. "

 

[colsy]

sorry so close together......



What is it when a man talks dirty to a woman?
Sexual harassment.
What is it when a woman talks dirty to a man?
$3.99 a minute.
What is the definition of "making love"?
Something a woman does while a guy is screwing her.
What do you call a woman who is paralyzed from the waist down?
Married.
What's worse than a male chauvinist pig?
A woman that won't do what she's told.
How can you tell if your wife is dead?
The sex is the same, but the dishes pile up.
How can you tell if your husband is dead?
The sex is the same, but you get the remote.
What's the difference between men and pigs?
Pigs don't turn into men when they drink.
What are those small bumps around a woman's nipples?
They are Braille for "suck here."
What's a man's idea of foreplay?
Half an hour of begging.
What's the best way to make your wife scream when you're having sex?
Call her up and tell her where you are.
Why do husbands die before their wives?
They want to.
Why do women have tits?
So men will talk to them.
Why do women close their eyes during sex?
They can't stand seeing a man have a good time.
Why were men given larger brains than dogs?
So they won't hump female legs at cocktail parties.
Why are hurricanes normally named after women?
When they come they're wild and wet, but when they go they take your
house and car with them.
What's the difference between a woman having her period and a terrorist?
You can negotiate with a terrorist
What's the difference between your wife and your job?
After 5 years your job still sucks.
Why are men are like public toilets?
The good ones are taken, the rest are full of ****.
What's the best thing about a blow job?
Ten minutes of silence.
What is the definition of the perfect woman?
A deaf and dumb nympho whose father owns a pub.
What do you call a woman with no asshole?
Divorced or single.
What is the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb?
You can unscrew a light bulb.
Did you hear about the new "morning after" pill for men?
It changes their blood type.
What does a woman do with her asshole in the morning?
She makes him a sandwich and sends him to work.
Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.
How can you tell if your husband is sexually excited?
He's breathing.
What do Kodak film have in common with condoms?
Both capture the moment.
Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
Because they don't have balls to scratch.
Why are brides dressed in white?
So they match the rest of the appliances.
What do you do with 365 used condoms?
Re-cycle them into a tyre and call it a Good Year.
Why is pubic hair always curly?
Otherwise it'll poke your eyes.
What's the difference between a slut and a bitch?
A slut will have sex with anyone, a bitch will have sex with anyone but you.
Why is the penis so depress?
His best friends are two nuts who live next to an asshole.
What do you call the useless piece of skin around a vagina?
A woman.
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs, with a ten inch penis?
Partially disabled.
What two things in the air can get a woman pregnant?
Her legs.
What's the difference between worry and panic?
About 28 days.
Why do tampons have strings?
So you can floss after eating.
What's the ultimate rejection?
When you're masturbating and your hand falls asleep.
What is the biggest problem for an atheist during sex?
She's not suppose to yell "Oh God, I'm ..."
How do you get rid of a nun's hiccups?
Tell her she's pregnant.
How do you get a nun pregnant?
Dress her up as a choir boy.
Why do women wear tampons when they skydive?
So they don't whistle on the way down.
What is a man's worst nightmare?
Dolly Parton bottle feeding him.
Which came first? The chicken or the egg?
Neither. The rooster came first.
What is the difference between erotic and kinky?
Erotic is using a feather. Kinky is using the whole chicken.
What do a gynecologist and a pizza delivery guy have in common?
They can smell it but they can't eat it.
How do you determine the sex of your (computer) mouse?
If there's a "pad" underneath, it's female.
What is the difference between a rectal thermometer and a oral thermometer?
The taste.
What can you assume when you find a lawyer buried up to his neck in cement?
Someone ran out of cement.
What will it take to reunite Nirvana?
Two more bullets.
What did the instructor at the school for Kamikaze pilots say to his
students?
"Watch closely. I'm only going to do this once."
Why wasn't Jesus born in the U.S.A?
Because God couldn't find three wise men and a virgin.
Why was Jesus a virgin when he died?
Every time he touched a "wound" it closed.
What is the similarity between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag?
Both are made of plastic and dangerous for children to play with.
What is Michael Jackson's favorite movie?
"Honey, I Blew The Kids"
Why was Michael Jackson so excited when he first heard about Boyz II Men?
He thought it was a home delivery service.
How many alcoholics does it take to change a light bulb?
Two. One to hold the bulb, and one to drink until the room starts spinning.
Do you know why beer goes through your system so fast?
Because it does not have to stop to change color.
Is it hard to spot the blind guy in a nudist colony?
It's not hard.
How did the blind girl burned the side of her face?
She answered the iron.
How did she burn the other side?
Same guy called back.
How can you tell if a valentine is from a leper?
The tongue's still in the envelope.
What's the most popular pick up line in a gay bar?
"May I push in your stool?"
Did you hear about the gay security guard who got fired from his job at
the sperm bank?
He got caught drinking on the job.
What did one lesbian frog say to the other lesbian frog?
"It's true, we really do taste like chicken."
What do you give the blonde that has everything?
Penicillin.
What's six inches long, has a bald head, and drives blondes crazy?
A hundred dollar bill.
What do you say to a blonde with no arms and no legs?
Nice tits!
What does the Bermuda Triangle and blondes have in common?
They've both swallowed a lot of seamen.
What's the difference between a blonde and a guy?
The blonde has the higher sperm count.
What do you call a blonde with two brain cells?
Pregnant.
What do you do when an Irish throws a hand grenade at you?
Pull the pin and throw it back.
What do you do when an Irish throws a pin at you?
Run like hell...he's got a hand grenade in his mouth!
Why did the Irish ice factory close down?
They lost the recipe.
Why did the group of Irish stare at the carton of orange juice?
It said "concentrate."
Why don't cannibals eat Irish people?
The last time they threw one in the cooking pot, he ate all the potatoes.
Why don't cannibals eat clowns?
They taste funny.
What do a Rubik's cube and a penis have in common?
The longer you play with them the harder they get.
What did one tampon say to the other tampon?
Nothing, they were both stuck up bitches.
What do you get when you put the energizer bunny's batteries in backward.
He keeps coming and coming and coming.
How do you say "virgin" in Dutch?
Goodentight.
What is the longest organ in a sheep's body?
A New Zealander's ****.
What do you get when you cross a rooster and a telephone pole?
A twenty-foot **** that wants to reach out and touch someone.
What does the Starship Enterprise and toilet paper have in common?They
both circle Uranus looking for cling-ons.
What do the Chicago Cubs and Pee Wee Herman have in common?
They both can't whack it in public.
Did you hear about the midget that went to a nudist colony?
He kept getting in everyone's hair.
What is a Mexican without a lawn mower?
Unemployed.
What is the difference between a Mexican and a bucket of ****?
A bucket.
What do you get when you cross a Mexican and a nigger?
Someone who is too lazy to steal.
What's the hardest thing about ****ing a 5 year old?
Having to kill them afterwards.
Old Chinese proverb:
Rape impossible! Woman with skirt up run faster than man with trousers down!
How are airplanes and women alike?
They both have cockpits.
What do you call a smiling Roman with pubic hair between his teeth?
Gladiator!
What is the similarity between a woman and Kentucky Fried Chicken?
By the time you've finished with the breast and thighs, all you have
left is a greasy box to put your bone in.
Why do you get paid more at the Sperm Bank than at the Blood Bank?
Sperm is handmade.
What's the difference between a tire and 365 used rubbers?
One is a Goodyear and the other is a great year.
How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?
It's not hard.
What did the banana say to the vibrator?
What are YOU shaking for? She's going to eat me!
Why don't vampires go south of the border?
Because every time they suck a Mexican's blood, they get the vshits for
a month.
Why did they take the "911" numbers off police patrol cars?
Mexicans kept stealing the patrol cars, thinking they were Porsches.
How can you tell when the Mexicans have moved into your neighborhood?
The Blacks get car insurance.
What do you call a Mexican with a vasectomy?
A dry Martinez.

 

[colsy]

Two brothers enlisting in the Army were getting their physicals. During
the inspection, the doctor was surprised to discover that both of them
possessed incredibly long, oversized penises. "How do you account for
this?" he asked the brothers. "It's hereditary, sir" the older one
replied. "I see" said the doctor, writing in his file. "Your father's
the reason for your elongated penises?" "No sir, our mother". "Your
mother? You idiot, women don't have penises!" "I know, sir" replied the
recruit "But she only had one arm, and when it came to getting us out of
the bathtub, she had to manage as best she could!"
--
I was pretty excited when my new girlfriend sent me a text message
saying that she loves anal. Then I realised that she is a dyslexic bitch
and that she was trying to say she loves Alan, my best friend.
--
When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old
came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower.
She said "Mummy, you are getting fat!" I replied "Yes, honey, remember
Mommy has a baby growing in her tummy" "I know" she replied, but what's
growing in your butt?"

--

 

[colsy]

As the cell door slams behind Rolf Harris the lights instantly go out and he collapses to the floor with his head in his hands sobbing finally realising the enormity of his actions.


Then in the pitch darkness he hears the plaintive tones of a rich Australian voice who sings gently to him.....................

“ Do you think I can leave you crying when there’s room in my bunk for two “

 

[colsy]

Opening the floor to Questions

A doctor addressing a large audience in Oxford





Opening the floor for questions can be disastrous.

"The material we put into our stomachs should have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is full of steroids and dye. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High trans-fat diets can be disastrous and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by germs in our drinking water. But, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and most of us have, or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"

After several seconds of quiet, a 70-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, "Wedding Cake"....

Priceless!!