A few more laughs ....
- Thread starter colsy
- Start date
After a long night of making love, the guy notices a photo of another man,
on the woman's nightstand by the bed.
He begins to worry.
'Is this your husband?' he nervously asks.
'No, silly,' she replies, snuggling up to him.
'Your boyfriend,then?' he continues.
'No, not at all,'she says, nibbling away at his ear.
'Is it your dad or your brother?' he inquires, hoping to be reassured.
'No, no, no! You are so hot when you're jealous!' she answers.
'Well, who in the hell is he, then?' he demands.
She whispers in his ear
'That's me before the surgery.'
************************************
One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy nightie.
'Tie me up,' she purred, 'and you can do anything you want.'
So he tied her up and went golfing.
*****************************************
A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house.
She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, 'Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!'
The husband said,'Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?'
'Doesn't matter,' she said. 'Just get out.'
********************************************
Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband.
*************************************
Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, 'I must tell you all something.
We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent.'
'Thank God,' said an elderly nun at the back. 'I'm so tired of chardonnay.
***************************************************************
Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army.
On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb.
That afternoon, the Army barber sheared off all his hair.
On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush.
That afternoon, the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth.
On the third day,the Army issued him a jock strap.
The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.
*******************************************
on the woman's nightstand by the bed.
He begins to worry.
'Is this your husband?' he nervously asks.
'No, silly,' she replies, snuggling up to him.
'Your boyfriend,then?' he continues.
'No, not at all,'she says, nibbling away at his ear.
'Is it your dad or your brother?' he inquires, hoping to be reassured.
'No, no, no! You are so hot when you're jealous!' she answers.
'Well, who in the hell is he, then?' he demands.
She whispers in his ear
'That's me before the surgery.'
************************************
One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy nightie.
'Tie me up,' she purred, 'and you can do anything you want.'
So he tied her up and went golfing.
*****************************************
A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house.
She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, 'Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!'
The husband said,'Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?'
'Doesn't matter,' she said. 'Just get out.'
********************************************
Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband.
*************************************
Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, 'I must tell you all something.
We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent.'
'Thank God,' said an elderly nun at the back. 'I'm so tired of chardonnay.
***************************************************************
Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army.
On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb.
That afternoon, the Army barber sheared off all his hair.
On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush.
That afternoon, the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth.
On the third day,the Army issued him a jock strap.
The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.
*******************************************
Ken and Edna
Ken and his wife Edna went to the state fair every year, and every year Ken would say,
'Edna, I'd like to ride in that helicopter'
Edna always replied,
'I know Ken, but that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks'
One year Ken and Edna went to the fair, and Ken said,
'Edna, I'm 75 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance'
To this, Edna replied,
"Ken that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks'
The pilot overheard the couple and said,
'Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny! But if you say one word it's fifty dollars.'
Ken and Edna agreed and up they went.
The pilot did all kinds of fancy manoeuvres, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word...
When they landed, the pilot turned to Ken and said,
'By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!'
Ken replied,
'Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Edna fell out, but you know,
"Fifty bucks is fifty bucks!'
Ken and his wife Edna went to the state fair every year, and every year Ken would say,
'Edna, I'd like to ride in that helicopter'
Edna always replied,
'I know Ken, but that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks'
One year Ken and Edna went to the fair, and Ken said,
'Edna, I'm 75 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance'
To this, Edna replied,
"Ken that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks'
The pilot overheard the couple and said,
'Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny! But if you say one word it's fifty dollars.'
Ken and Edna agreed and up they went.
The pilot did all kinds of fancy manoeuvres, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word...
When they landed, the pilot turned to Ken and said,
'By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!'
Ken replied,
'Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Edna fell out, but you know,
"Fifty bucks is fifty bucks!'
Difference between Grandparents
Ever wondered what the difference between Grannies and Grandads is?
A 5 year old Granddaughter is usually taken to her Launceston school, daily, by her Grandfather.
When he had a bad cold his wife took the Grandchild.
That night she told her parents that the ride to school with Granny was very different!!
"What made it different?" asked her parents:
"Gran and I didn't see a single ******, blind *******, ********, Asian ***** or ****** anywhere on the way to school today!'
Ever wondered what the difference between Grannies and Grandads is?
A 5 year old Granddaughter is usually taken to her Launceston school, daily, by her Grandfather.
When he had a bad cold his wife took the Grandchild.
That night she told her parents that the ride to school with Granny was very different!!
"What made it different?" asked her parents:
"Gran and I didn't see a single ******, blind *******, ********, Asian ***** or ****** anywhere on the way to school today!'
Craigs's list Ad... long but worth reading
AN ACTUAL CRAIG'S LIST PERSONALS AD
To the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me in Downtown Savannah night before last.
Date: 2011-11-27, 1:43 am. E.S.T.
I was the guy wearing the black Burberry jacket that you demanded that I hand over, shortly after you pulled
the knife on me and my girlfriend, threatening our lives. You also asked for my girlfriend's purse and earrings. I can only hope that you somehow come across this rather important message.
First, I'd like to apologize for your embarrassment; I didn't expect you to actually crap in your pants when
I drew my pistol after you took my jacket.. The evening was not that cold, and I was wearing the jacket for a reason.. my girlfriend was happy that I just returned safely from my 2nd tour as a Combat Marine in Afghanistan .. She had just bought me that Kimber
Custom Model 1911 .45 ACP pistol for my birthday, and we had picked up a shoulder holster for it that very evening. Obviously you agree that it is a very intimidating weapon when pointed at your head ... isn't it?!
I know it probably wasn't fun walking back to wherever you'd come from with crap in your pants. I'm sure it
was even worse walking bare-footed since I made you leave your shoes, cell phone, and wallet with me. (That prevented you from calling or running to your buddies to come help mug us again).
After I called your mother or "Momma" as you had her listed in your cell, I explained the entire episode of
what you'd done. Then I went and filled up my gas tank as well as those of four other people in the gas station, -- on your credit card. The guy with the big motor home took 153 gallons and was extremely grateful!
I gave your shoes to a homeless guy outside Vinnie Van Go Go's, along with all the cash in your wallet. [That
made his day!]
I then threw your wallet into the big pink "pimp mobile" that was parked at the curb ..... after I broke the
windshield and side window and keyed the entire driver's side of the car.
Earlier, I managed to get in two threatening phone calls to the DA's office and one to the FBI, while mentioning
President Obama as my possible target.
The FBI guy seemed really intense and we had a nice long chat (I guess while he traced your number etc.).
;In a way, perhaps I should apologize for not killing you ... but I feel this type of retribution
is a far more appropriate punishment for your threatened crime. I wish you well as you try to sort through some of these rather immediate pressing issues, and can only hope that you have the opportunity to reflect upon, and perhaps reconsider, the career path
you've chosen to pursue in life.. Remember, next time you might not be so lucky. Have a good day!
Thoughtfully yours, Semper fi,
Alex
AN ACTUAL CRAIG'S LIST PERSONALS AD
To the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me in Downtown Savannah night before last.
Date: 2011-11-27, 1:43 am. E.S.T.
I was the guy wearing the black Burberry jacket that you demanded that I hand over, shortly after you pulled
the knife on me and my girlfriend, threatening our lives. You also asked for my girlfriend's purse and earrings. I can only hope that you somehow come across this rather important message.
First, I'd like to apologize for your embarrassment; I didn't expect you to actually crap in your pants when
I drew my pistol after you took my jacket.. The evening was not that cold, and I was wearing the jacket for a reason.. my girlfriend was happy that I just returned safely from my 2nd tour as a Combat Marine in Afghanistan .. She had just bought me that Kimber
Custom Model 1911 .45 ACP pistol for my birthday, and we had picked up a shoulder holster for it that very evening. Obviously you agree that it is a very intimidating weapon when pointed at your head ... isn't it?!
I know it probably wasn't fun walking back to wherever you'd come from with crap in your pants. I'm sure it
was even worse walking bare-footed since I made you leave your shoes, cell phone, and wallet with me. (That prevented you from calling or running to your buddies to come help mug us again).
After I called your mother or "Momma" as you had her listed in your cell, I explained the entire episode of
what you'd done. Then I went and filled up my gas tank as well as those of four other people in the gas station, -- on your credit card. The guy with the big motor home took 153 gallons and was extremely grateful!
I gave your shoes to a homeless guy outside Vinnie Van Go Go's, along with all the cash in your wallet. [That
made his day!]
I then threw your wallet into the big pink "pimp mobile" that was parked at the curb ..... after I broke the
windshield and side window and keyed the entire driver's side of the car.
Earlier, I managed to get in two threatening phone calls to the DA's office and one to the FBI, while mentioning
President Obama as my possible target.
The FBI guy seemed really intense and we had a nice long chat (I guess while he traced your number etc.).
;In a way, perhaps I should apologize for not killing you ... but I feel this type of retribution
is a far more appropriate punishment for your threatened crime. I wish you well as you try to sort through some of these rather immediate pressing issues, and can only hope that you have the opportunity to reflect upon, and perhaps reconsider, the career path
you've chosen to pursue in life.. Remember, next time you might not be so lucky. Have a good day!
Thoughtfully yours, Semper fi,
Alex
Various jokes...some repeats though
An old lady dies and goes to heaven.She's chatting it up with St. Peter at the Pearly Gates when all of a sudden she hears the most awful, blood curdling screams.
Don't worry about that,' says St. Peter, 'It's only someone having the holes drilled into her shoulder blades for the wings.'
The old lady looks a little uncomfortable but carries on with the conversation.
A few minutes later, there are more blood curdling screams.
'Oh my Goodness,' says the old lady, 'now what is happening?'
'Not to worry,' says St. Peter, 'She's just having her head drilled to fit the halo.'
'I can't do this,' says the old lady, 'I'm going to hell.'
'You can't go to that nasty place,' says St. Peter. 'You'll be raped and taken advantage of.'
'Maybe so,' says the old lady,
but I've already got the holes for that.'
========================
Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25-year-old blonder-haired woman who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm and who hangs over Bob's arm and listens intently to his every word. His buddies at the club are all aghast. At the very first chance, they corner him and ask "Bob, how'd you get the trophy girlfriend?" Bob replies "Girlfriend? She's my wife!" They are knocked over, but continue to ask. "So, how'd you persuade her to marry you?" "I lied about my age", Bob replies. "What, did you tell her you were only 50?" Bob smiles and says "No, I told her I was 90".
-=======================-
Mary, a shy virgin was discussing her worries about her upcoming marriage to Paddy, with the parish priest. "He dropped his trousers last night Father... he has a thing between his legs that I never saw the likes of before". "Sure that's only his penis Mary". "But father there's a purple knob on it". "That's just the head of the penis Mary". "Yeah, but then Father, about 16 inches back from the purple knob there's two big round things. What are they Father?" "Well for your sake Mary, I hope they're the cheeks of his arse".
-=====================-
After experiencing the discomfort and embarrassment of a Colonoscopy in Seattle, I decided to have my next one carried out while visiting friends in San Francisco, where the beautiful nurses are allegedly much more gentle and accommodating. As I lay naked on my side on the table, the nurse began the procedure. "Don't worry, at this stage of the procedure it's quite normal to get an erection" the nurse told me. "I haven't got an erection" I replied. "No, but I do" replied the nurse.
==========================--
A guy goes into a pet shop and asks for a songbird. "Certainly, sir" says the grumpy assistant "take a look at this yellow and green canary. It sings beautifully". "But it's only got one leg..." "Hmm..." says the assistant "are you looking for a singer or a ****ing tap-dancer?"
============================
A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two large plastic garbage bags with her, one in each hand.
Unfortunately, there's a rip in one of the bags, and every once in a while a $20 bill falls out onto the pavement.
Noticing this, a policeman stops her ... Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of your bag. Oh, really? Shoot! says the little old lady.
I'd better go back and see if I can collect them.
Thanks for the warning!
Well, now, not so fast, says the cop. How did you get all that money?
You didn't steal it, did you?
'Oh, no', says the little old lady. You see, my back yard is right next to the parking lot of the football stadium. Each time there's a game, a lot of fans come and pee through the bushes, right into my flower beds!
So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper and each time someone sticks his little thingie through the bushes, I say, $20 or off it comes.
Well , that seems only fair, laughs the cop. OK, good luck! By the way, what's in the other bag?
Well, says the little old lady, .... 'not everybody pays'
==============================
America are sending a crack team to locate the kidnapped school girls in Nigeria!
The UK are also sending their own crack hunting team:
Stuart Hall,
Max Clifford,
Rolf Harris,
Dave Lee Travis.
========================
My mate asked if I wanted to do a spit roast with him and his wife. As his wife is an absolute stunner, I said 'Yes'.
Although kneeling here with his **** up my arse and her strap-on in my mouth I feel something has gone terribly awry.
==========================
If the world hasn't been able to find one black box for 2 months; how the fvck are they going to find 276 of them?
An old lady dies and goes to heaven.She's chatting it up with St. Peter at the Pearly Gates when all of a sudden she hears the most awful, blood curdling screams.
Don't worry about that,' says St. Peter, 'It's only someone having the holes drilled into her shoulder blades for the wings.'
The old lady looks a little uncomfortable but carries on with the conversation.
A few minutes later, there are more blood curdling screams.
'Oh my Goodness,' says the old lady, 'now what is happening?'
'Not to worry,' says St. Peter, 'She's just having her head drilled to fit the halo.'
'I can't do this,' says the old lady, 'I'm going to hell.'
'You can't go to that nasty place,' says St. Peter. 'You'll be raped and taken advantage of.'
'Maybe so,' says the old lady,
but I've already got the holes for that.'
========================
Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25-year-old blonder-haired woman who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm and who hangs over Bob's arm and listens intently to his every word. His buddies at the club are all aghast. At the very first chance, they corner him and ask "Bob, how'd you get the trophy girlfriend?" Bob replies "Girlfriend? She's my wife!" They are knocked over, but continue to ask. "So, how'd you persuade her to marry you?" "I lied about my age", Bob replies. "What, did you tell her you were only 50?" Bob smiles and says "No, I told her I was 90".
-=======================-
Mary, a shy virgin was discussing her worries about her upcoming marriage to Paddy, with the parish priest. "He dropped his trousers last night Father... he has a thing between his legs that I never saw the likes of before". "Sure that's only his penis Mary". "But father there's a purple knob on it". "That's just the head of the penis Mary". "Yeah, but then Father, about 16 inches back from the purple knob there's two big round things. What are they Father?" "Well for your sake Mary, I hope they're the cheeks of his arse".
-=====================-
After experiencing the discomfort and embarrassment of a Colonoscopy in Seattle, I decided to have my next one carried out while visiting friends in San Francisco, where the beautiful nurses are allegedly much more gentle and accommodating. As I lay naked on my side on the table, the nurse began the procedure. "Don't worry, at this stage of the procedure it's quite normal to get an erection" the nurse told me. "I haven't got an erection" I replied. "No, but I do" replied the nurse.
==========================--
A guy goes into a pet shop and asks for a songbird. "Certainly, sir" says the grumpy assistant "take a look at this yellow and green canary. It sings beautifully". "But it's only got one leg..." "Hmm..." says the assistant "are you looking for a singer or a ****ing tap-dancer?"
============================
A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two large plastic garbage bags with her, one in each hand.
Unfortunately, there's a rip in one of the bags, and every once in a while a $20 bill falls out onto the pavement.
Noticing this, a policeman stops her ... Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of your bag. Oh, really? Shoot! says the little old lady.
I'd better go back and see if I can collect them.
Thanks for the warning!
Well, now, not so fast, says the cop. How did you get all that money?
You didn't steal it, did you?
'Oh, no', says the little old lady. You see, my back yard is right next to the parking lot of the football stadium. Each time there's a game, a lot of fans come and pee through the bushes, right into my flower beds!
So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper and each time someone sticks his little thingie through the bushes, I say, $20 or off it comes.
Well , that seems only fair, laughs the cop. OK, good luck! By the way, what's in the other bag?
Well, says the little old lady, .... 'not everybody pays'
==============================
America are sending a crack team to locate the kidnapped school girls in Nigeria!
The UK are also sending their own crack hunting team:
Stuart Hall,
Max Clifford,
Rolf Harris,
Dave Lee Travis.
========================
My mate asked if I wanted to do a spit roast with him and his wife. As his wife is an absolute stunner, I said 'Yes'.
Although kneeling here with his **** up my arse and her strap-on in my mouth I feel something has gone terribly awry.
==========================
If the world hasn't been able to find one black box for 2 months; how the fvck are they going to find 276 of them?
The perfect day
THE PERFECT DAY FOR HER…
8:15 Wake up to hugs and kisses
8:30 Weigh-in 2 kgs lighter than yesterday
8:45 Breakfast in bed—freshly squeezed orange juice and croissants; open presents- expensive jewellery chosen by thoughtful partner
9:15 Soothing hot bath with frangipani bath oil
10:00 Light work-out at club with sexy, funny personal trainer
10:30 Facial, manicure, makeup application, shampoo, condition, blow wave
12:00 Lunch with best friend at fashionable outdoor café
12:45 Catch sight of partner’s ex and notice that she has gained 17 kgs
1:00 Shopping with friends: unlimited credit
3:00 Nap
4:00 Three dozen roses delivered by florist; card is from secret admirer
4:15 Massage from strong but gentle hunk—says he rarely gets to work on such a perfect body
5:30 Choose outfit from expensive designer wardrobe
7:30 Candlelit dinner for two followed by dancing, with compliments received from other diners/ dancers
10:00 Hot shower- alone
10:50 Carried to bed… freshly ironed, crisp, white linen
11:00 Pillow talk, light touching and cuddling
11:15 Fall asleep in his big, strong arms
THE PERFECT DAY FOR HIM…
6:00 Alarm
6:15 Blow job
6:30 Massive, satisfying **** while reading the sports section
7:00 Breakfast—steak and eggs, coffee and toast—all cooked by naked, buxom wench who bends over a lot
7:30 Limo arrives
7:45 Several beers on route to the airport
9:15 Flight in personal Lear jet
9:30 Limo to Mirage Resort Golf Club (blow job on-route)
9:45 Play front nine (2 under par)
11:45 Lunch—steak and lobster, 3 beers and bottle of Dom Perignon
12:15 Blow job
12:30 Another Blow job
2:15 Limo back to airport (several bourbons)
2:30 Fly to Bahamas
3:30 Late afternoon fishing expedition with all-female crew, all nude who also bend over a lot
4:30 Land world record Marlin (1234lbs)—on light tackle
5:00 Fly home, massage and hand job by naked Elle MacPherson (bending over, naturally)
6:45 ****, shower and shave
7:00 Watch news—UKIP is new Government in power
7:30 Dinner—lobster appetisers, Dom Perignon (1953), big juicy
fillet steak followed by ice cream served on a big pair of tits
9:00 Napoleon Brandy and Habanos cigars in front of wall-sized TV
as you watch football game
9:30 Sex with three women, all with lesbian tendencies
11:00 Massage and Jacuzzi with tasty pizza snacks and a cleansing beer
11:30 Night-cap blow job
11:45 In bed alone
11:50 A 22-second fart which changes note 4 times and forces the dog to leave the room
11:51 Laugh yourself to sleep
THE PERFECT DAY FOR HER…
8:15 Wake up to hugs and kisses
8:30 Weigh-in 2 kgs lighter than yesterday
8:45 Breakfast in bed—freshly squeezed orange juice and croissants; open presents- expensive jewellery chosen by thoughtful partner
9:15 Soothing hot bath with frangipani bath oil
10:00 Light work-out at club with sexy, funny personal trainer
10:30 Facial, manicure, makeup application, shampoo, condition, blow wave
12:00 Lunch with best friend at fashionable outdoor café
12:45 Catch sight of partner’s ex and notice that she has gained 17 kgs
1:00 Shopping with friends: unlimited credit
3:00 Nap
4:00 Three dozen roses delivered by florist; card is from secret admirer
4:15 Massage from strong but gentle hunk—says he rarely gets to work on such a perfect body
5:30 Choose outfit from expensive designer wardrobe
7:30 Candlelit dinner for two followed by dancing, with compliments received from other diners/ dancers
10:00 Hot shower- alone
10:50 Carried to bed… freshly ironed, crisp, white linen
11:00 Pillow talk, light touching and cuddling
11:15 Fall asleep in his big, strong arms
THE PERFECT DAY FOR HIM…
6:00 Alarm
6:15 Blow job
6:30 Massive, satisfying **** while reading the sports section
7:00 Breakfast—steak and eggs, coffee and toast—all cooked by naked, buxom wench who bends over a lot
7:30 Limo arrives
7:45 Several beers on route to the airport
9:15 Flight in personal Lear jet
9:30 Limo to Mirage Resort Golf Club (blow job on-route)
9:45 Play front nine (2 under par)
11:45 Lunch—steak and lobster, 3 beers and bottle of Dom Perignon
12:15 Blow job
12:30 Another Blow job
2:15 Limo back to airport (several bourbons)
2:30 Fly to Bahamas
3:30 Late afternoon fishing expedition with all-female crew, all nude who also bend over a lot
4:30 Land world record Marlin (1234lbs)—on light tackle
5:00 Fly home, massage and hand job by naked Elle MacPherson (bending over, naturally)
6:45 ****, shower and shave
7:00 Watch news—UKIP is new Government in power
7:30 Dinner—lobster appetisers, Dom Perignon (1953), big juicy
fillet steak followed by ice cream served on a big pair of tits
9:00 Napoleon Brandy and Habanos cigars in front of wall-sized TV
as you watch football game
9:30 Sex with three women, all with lesbian tendencies
11:00 Massage and Jacuzzi with tasty pizza snacks and a cleansing beer
11:30 Night-cap blow job
11:45 In bed alone
11:50 A 22-second fart which changes note 4 times and forces the dog to leave the room
11:51 Laugh yourself to sleep
Poems
A WOMAN'S POEM:
Before I lay me down to sleep, I pray for a man who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong. One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks, One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's rich and self-employed, and when I spend, won't be annoyed.
Pull out my chair and hold my hand. Massage my feet and help me stand.
Oh send a king to make me queen. A man who loves to cook and clean.
I pray this man will love no other. and relish visits with my mother.
A MAN'S POEM:
I pray for a deaf-mute gymnast nymphomaniac with big tits who owns a bar on a golf course, and loves to send me fishing and drinking. This doesn't rhyme and I don't give a ****.
A WOMAN'S POEM:
Before I lay me down to sleep, I pray for a man who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong. One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks, One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's rich and self-employed, and when I spend, won't be annoyed.
Pull out my chair and hold my hand. Massage my feet and help me stand.
Oh send a king to make me queen. A man who loves to cook and clean.
I pray this man will love no other. and relish visits with my mother.
A MAN'S POEM:
I pray for a deaf-mute gymnast nymphomaniac with big tits who owns a bar on a golf course, and loves to send me fishing and drinking. This doesn't rhyme and I don't give a ****.
![[B)]](/forums/styles/seatcupra/oldforumsmileys/shades.gif "Cool [B)]")
Men are Deep thinkers
What deep thinkers men are... I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer. The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking.
My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing and I said 'nothing'. The reason I said that instead of saying 'just thinking' is because she would have said 'about what'. At that point I would have to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics which would lead to other questions.
Finally I thought about an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts? Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts.
Well, after another beer, and some heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with the answer to that question. Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby; and here is the reason for my conclusion. A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child." On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts." I rest my case.
Time for another beer.
What deep thinkers men are... I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer. The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking.
My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing and I said 'nothing'. The reason I said that instead of saying 'just thinking' is because she would have said 'about what'. At that point I would have to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics which would lead to other questions.
Finally I thought about an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts? Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts.
Well, after another beer, and some heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with the answer to that question. Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby; and here is the reason for my conclusion. A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child." On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts." I rest my case.
Time for another beer.
Chester says to Earl "I'll send my dog out to see if there are any ducks out in the pond. If there aren't many ducks out there, I'm not going hunting". So he sends the dog out to the pond.
The dog comes back and barks twice. Chester says "Well I'm not going to go out. He only saw two ducks out there".
Earl says "You're going to take the dog's barks for the truth?" Earl doesn't believe it, so he goes to look for himself. When he gets back he says "I don't believe it. There really are only two ducks out there! Where did you get that dog?" Chester says "Well, I got him from the breeder up the road. If you want one, you can get one from him".
So Earl goes to the breeder and says he wants a dog like the one his friend Chester has. The breeder obliges and Earl brings the dog home, tells it to go out and look for ducks. Minutes later the dog returns with a stick in its mouth and starts humping Earl's leg.
Outraged, Earl takes the dog back to the breeder and says "This dog is a fraud. I want my money back!" The breeder asks Earl what the dog did. So Earl tells him that when he sent the dog out to look for ducks, it came back with a stick in its mouth and started humping his leg.
The breeder says "Earl, dogs can't talk. He was trying to tell you there are more ****ing ducks out there than you can shake a stick at".
The dog comes back and barks twice. Chester says "Well I'm not going to go out. He only saw two ducks out there".
Earl says "You're going to take the dog's barks for the truth?" Earl doesn't believe it, so he goes to look for himself. When he gets back he says "I don't believe it. There really are only two ducks out there! Where did you get that dog?" Chester says "Well, I got him from the breeder up the road. If you want one, you can get one from him".
So Earl goes to the breeder and says he wants a dog like the one his friend Chester has. The breeder obliges and Earl brings the dog home, tells it to go out and look for ducks. Minutes later the dog returns with a stick in its mouth and starts humping Earl's leg.
Outraged, Earl takes the dog back to the breeder and says "This dog is a fraud. I want my money back!" The breeder asks Earl what the dog did. So Earl tells him that when he sent the dog out to look for ducks, it came back with a stick in its mouth and started humping his leg.
The breeder says "Earl, dogs can't talk. He was trying to tell you there are more ****ing ducks out there than you can shake a stick at".
A koala bear and a hooker go back to her place and they get undressed.
The koala bear goes down on the hooker for three hours straight. She has
multiple orgasms! After three hours he stops, gets up and puts on his
little koala clothes. The woman is hanging back huffing and puffing from
exhaustion.
"Oh God, that was great! Now I need my money." The koala bear just looks
at her and shrugs. Then the hooker says, "No, I need my money. I'm a
hooker and this is how I make a living." The koala bear just looks at
her and continues to put on his clothes.
Then the hooker gets up and runs to the bookshelf, grabs a dictionary
and thumbs through it to "hooker." She hands it to the koala bear and it
reads: "HOOKER: person who has sex for money." Then the koala bear turns
the page to "koala bear" and walks out the door.
The hooker reads: "KOALA BEAR: Furry Mammal that eats bushes and leaves."
The koala bear goes down on the hooker for three hours straight. She has
multiple orgasms! After three hours he stops, gets up and puts on his
little koala clothes. The woman is hanging back huffing and puffing from
exhaustion.
"Oh God, that was great! Now I need my money." The koala bear just looks
at her and shrugs. Then the hooker says, "No, I need my money. I'm a
hooker and this is how I make a living." The koala bear just looks at
her and continues to put on his clothes.
Then the hooker gets up and runs to the bookshelf, grabs a dictionary
and thumbs through it to "hooker." She hands it to the koala bear and it
reads: "HOOKER: person who has sex for money." Then the koala bear turns
the page to "koala bear" and walks out the door.
The hooker reads: "KOALA BEAR: Furry Mammal that eats bushes and leaves."
A pain in his Crotch
A midget from Texas was experiencing constant pain in his crotch area.
The midget went to the doctor and told him about his problem. The
doctor told him to drop his pants and he would have a look. The midget
dropped his pants. The doctor stood him up onto the examining table,
and started to examine him. The doctor put one finger under his left
testicle and told the midget to turn his head and cough, the usual
method to check for a hernia. "Hmm..." mumbled the doctor, and as he
put his finger under the right testicle, he asked the midget to cough
again. "Aha!" said the doctor, and reached for his surgical scissors.
Snip-snip-snip-snip on the right side... then snip-snip-snip-snip on
the left side. The midget was so scared he was afraid to look, but
noted with amazement that the snipping did not hurt. The doctor then
told the midget to walk around the examining room to see if his
testicles still hurt. The midget was absolutely delighted as he walked
around and discovered his testicles were no longer aching. The doctor
said, "How does that feel now?" The midget replied, "Perfect Doc, and
I didn't even feel it. What did you do?" The doctor replied "I cut two
inches off the top of your cowboy boots."
A midget from Texas was experiencing constant pain in his crotch area.
The midget went to the doctor and told him about his problem. The
doctor told him to drop his pants and he would have a look. The midget
dropped his pants. The doctor stood him up onto the examining table,
and started to examine him. The doctor put one finger under his left
testicle and told the midget to turn his head and cough, the usual
method to check for a hernia. "Hmm..." mumbled the doctor, and as he
put his finger under the right testicle, he asked the midget to cough
again. "Aha!" said the doctor, and reached for his surgical scissors.
Snip-snip-snip-snip on the right side... then snip-snip-snip-snip on
the left side. The midget was so scared he was afraid to look, but
noted with amazement that the snipping did not hurt. The doctor then
told the midget to walk around the examining room to see if his
testicles still hurt. The midget was absolutely delighted as he walked
around and discovered his testicles were no longer aching. The doctor
said, "How does that feel now?" The midget replied, "Perfect Doc, and
I didn't even feel it. What did you do?" The doctor replied "I cut two
inches off the top of your cowboy boots."
I installed a clapper in my bedroom last week so that I can turn my lights on and off by just lying in bed clapping my hands.
I never really thought that one through...
Every time I have a wank my room becomes like a nightclub with strobe lighting.
================================
365 DAYS OF LOVE MAKING
To My Dear Wife, During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365 times. I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of once every ten days. The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often:
54 times the sheets were clean
7 times it was too late
49 times you were too tired
20 times it was too hot
15 times you pretended to be asleep
22 times you had a headache
17 times you were afraid of waking the baby
16 times you said you were too sore
12 times it was the wrong time of the month
19 times you had to get up early
9 times you said weren't in the mood
7 times you were sunburned
6 times you were watching the late show
5 times you didn't want to mess up your new hair-do
3 times you said the neighbors would hear us
9 times you said your mother would hear us
Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory because:
6 times you just laid there
8 times you reminded me there's a crack in the ceiling
4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with
7 times I had to wake you and tell you I finished
1 time I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move
To My Dear Husband, I think you have things a little confused. Here are the reasons you didn't get more that you did:
5 times you came home drunk and tried to screw the cat
36 times you did not come home at all
21 times you didn't cum
33 times you came too soon
19 times you went soft before you got in
38 times you worked too late
10 times you got cramps in your toes
29 times you had to get up early to play golf
2 times you were in a fight and someone kicked you in the balls
4 times you got it stuck in your zipper
3 times you had a cold and your nose was running
2 times you had a splinter in your finger
20 times you lost the notion after thinking about it all day
6 times you came in your pyjamas while reading a dirty book
98 times you were too busy watching football, baseball, etc on TV
Of the times we did get together:
The reason I laid still was because you missed and were screwing the sheets. I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling, what I said was "Would you prefer me on my back or kneeling?" The time you felt me move was because you farted and I was trying to breathe.
================================
I was working in the garden this weekend and my wife was about to take a shower. I realized that I couldn't find the rake. I yelled up to my wife, "Where is the rake?"
She couldn't hear me and she shouted back, "What?"
I pointed to my eye, and then I pointed to my knee and made a raking motion.
Then my wife wasn't sure and said "What?"
I repeated the gestures. "Eye - Kneed - The Rake"
My wife replied that she understands and signals back. She first points to her eye, next she points to her left breast, then she points to her backside, and finally to her crotch. Well, there is no way in hell I could even come close to that one.
Exasperated, I went upstairs and asked her, "What the hell was that?"
She replies, "Eye - Left Tit - Behind - The Bush" !!!!
I never really thought that one through...
Every time I have a wank my room becomes like a nightclub with strobe lighting.
================================
365 DAYS OF LOVE MAKING
To My Dear Wife, During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365 times. I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of once every ten days. The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often:
54 times the sheets were clean
7 times it was too late
49 times you were too tired
20 times it was too hot
15 times you pretended to be asleep
22 times you had a headache
17 times you were afraid of waking the baby
16 times you said you were too sore
12 times it was the wrong time of the month
19 times you had to get up early
9 times you said weren't in the mood
7 times you were sunburned
6 times you were watching the late show
5 times you didn't want to mess up your new hair-do
3 times you said the neighbors would hear us
9 times you said your mother would hear us
Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory because:
6 times you just laid there
8 times you reminded me there's a crack in the ceiling
4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with
7 times I had to wake you and tell you I finished
1 time I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move
To My Dear Husband, I think you have things a little confused. Here are the reasons you didn't get more that you did:
5 times you came home drunk and tried to screw the cat
36 times you did not come home at all
21 times you didn't cum
33 times you came too soon
19 times you went soft before you got in
38 times you worked too late
10 times you got cramps in your toes
29 times you had to get up early to play golf
2 times you were in a fight and someone kicked you in the balls
4 times you got it stuck in your zipper
3 times you had a cold and your nose was running
2 times you had a splinter in your finger
20 times you lost the notion after thinking about it all day
6 times you came in your pyjamas while reading a dirty book
98 times you were too busy watching football, baseball, etc on TV
Of the times we did get together:
The reason I laid still was because you missed and were screwing the sheets. I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling, what I said was "Would you prefer me on my back or kneeling?" The time you felt me move was because you farted and I was trying to breathe.
================================
I was working in the garden this weekend and my wife was about to take a shower. I realized that I couldn't find the rake. I yelled up to my wife, "Where is the rake?"
She couldn't hear me and she shouted back, "What?"
I pointed to my eye, and then I pointed to my knee and made a raking motion.
Then my wife wasn't sure and said "What?"
I repeated the gestures. "Eye - Kneed - The Rake"
My wife replied that she understands and signals back. She first points to her eye, next she points to her left breast, then she points to her backside, and finally to her crotch. Well, there is no way in hell I could even come close to that one.
Exasperated, I went upstairs and asked her, "What the hell was that?"
She replies, "Eye - Left Tit - Behind - The Bush" !!!!
Love in a Mental Hospital
Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.
Old Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.
Edna promptly jumped in to save him She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.
When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act, she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable. When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news.
The good news is you're being discharged; since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.
The bad news is, Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I'm so sorry, but he's dead."
Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?"
Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.
Old Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.
Edna promptly jumped in to save him She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.
When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act, she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable. When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news.
The good news is you're being discharged; since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.
The bad news is, Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I'm so sorry, but he's dead."
Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?"
The EGG
If you think life is bad......How would you like to be an egg?
You only get laid once. You only get eaten once.
It takes four minutes to get hard. Only two minutes to get soft.
You share your box with 11 other guys. But worst of all.....
The only chick that ever sat on your face was your mother!
So cheer up, your life ain't that bad!
If you think life is bad......How would you like to be an egg?
You only get laid once. You only get eaten once.
It takes four minutes to get hard. Only two minutes to get soft.
You share your box with 11 other guys. But worst of all.....
The only chick that ever sat on your face was your mother!
So cheer up, your life ain't that bad!
5 minute management course
Think this is spot on...
Lesson 1 :
A priest offered a Nun a lift.
She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.
The priest nearly had an accident.
After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg...
The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'
Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'
Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.
Lesson 2 :
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.
They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'
'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk.. 'I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.' Poof! She's gone.
'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas, and the love of my life.' Poof! He's gone.
'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.'
Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.
Lesson 3
An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.
A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?' The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.
Lesson 4
A turkey was chatting with a bull. 'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.'
'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. It's full of nutrients.'
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch..
Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.
He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.
Moral of the story:
Bull **** might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there...
Lesson 5
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.
While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.
As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.
The dung was actually thawing him out!
He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.
Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.
Moral of the story:
(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of **** is your friend.
(3) And when you're in deep ****, it's best to keep your mouth shut!
Think this is spot on...
Lesson 1 :
A priest offered a Nun a lift.
She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.
The priest nearly had an accident.
After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg...
The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'
Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'
Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.
Lesson 2 :
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.
They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'
'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk.. 'I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.' Poof! She's gone.
'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas, and the love of my life.' Poof! He's gone.
'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.'
Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.
Lesson 3
An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.
A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?' The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.
Lesson 4
A turkey was chatting with a bull. 'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.'
'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. It's full of nutrients.'
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch..
Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.
He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.
Moral of the story:
Bull **** might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there...
Lesson 5
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.
While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.
As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.
The dung was actually thawing him out!
He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.
Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.
Moral of the story:
(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of **** is your friend.
(3) And when you're in deep ****, it's best to keep your mouth shut!
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