A few more laughs ....

[colsy]

The Morality of Dishonesty

A few years ago robbers entered a bank in a small town.
One of them shouted: "Don't move! The money belongs to the bank. Your lives belong to you.
Immediately all the people in the bank laid on the floor quietly and without panic.
This is an example of how the correct wording of a sentence can make everyone change their view of the world.


One woman laid on the floor in a provocative manner.
The robber approached her saying, " Ma'am, this is a robbery not a rape. Please behave accordingly."
This is an example of how to behave professionally, and focus on the goal.



While running from the bank the youngest robber (who had a college degree) said to the oldest robber (who had barely finished elementary school): "Hey, maybe we should count how much we stole." ?
The older man replied: "Don’t be stupid. It's a lot of money so let's wait for the news on TV to find out how much money was taken from the bank."
This is an example of how life experience is more important than a degree.


After the robbery, the manager of the bank said to his accountant:
"Let's call the cops and tell them how much has been stolen."
"Wait,” said the Accountant, "before we do that, let's add the $800,000 we took for ourselves a few months ago and just say that it was stolen as part of today’s robbery."
This is an example of taking advantage of an opportunity.



The following day it was reported in the news that the bank was robbed of $ 3 million.
The robbers counted the money, but they found only $1 million so they started to grumble.
"We risked our lives for $1 million, while the bank's management robbed two million dollars without blinking? Maybe its better to learn how to work the system, instead of being a simple robber."
This is an example of how knowledge can be more useful than power.





Moral :Give a person a gun, and he can rob a bank . Give a person a bank, and he can rob everyone.

 

[colsy]

Four pints of Blood

John, a lifelong white racist living in the East End of London is in a major car crash.

When he comes round 3 days later in hospital the surgeon says:

"I've got good news and bad news.....the bad news is you have had 2 pints of African
blood and 2 pints of Pakistani blood"

John screams "What the hell is the good news then?"

"Your penis is 6" longer and you are top of the housing list"

 

[colsy]

This is a difficult test but very revealing.


SELF EXAMINATION FOR ALZHEIMER'S DISEASE
....It takes less than 15 seconds....


If you are over 45 yrs. old, you SHOULD take this Alzheimer's Test.
See how fast can you guess these words and fill-in the blanks?


1. _ _NDOM



2. F_ _K



3. P_N_S



4. PU_S_



5. S_X



6. BOO_S











Answers:


1. RANDOM


2. FORK


3. PANTS


4. PULSE


5. SIX


6. BOOKS


You got all 6 wrong....didn't you?

You do NOT have Alzheimer's.
You are a Pervert.

 

[colsy]

Old Couple Joke

An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time.
Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married.
Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work.
They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on.
Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical$exual relationship.
'How do you feel about $ex?' he asked, rather tentatively.
'I would like it infrequently' she replied.
The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, leaned over towards her and whispered –
"Is that one word or two"

 

[colsy]

Kitty Kat

A woman was enjoying a good game of golf with her girlfriends.
"Oh, no!" she suddenly exclaimed.
"Look at the time! I have to rush home and fix dinner for my husband.
He'll be so annoyed if it's not ready on time."

When she got home, she discovered all she had in the fridge was a wilted lettuce leaf, an egg and a can of cat food.
With no time to go to the supermarket, she opened the can of cat food,
stirred in the egg and garnished it with the lettuce leaf.

She greeted her husband warmly when he came home, and then watched in horror as he sat down to his dinner.
To her surprise, he seemed to be enjoying it.

"Darling, this is the best dinner you've made me in 40 years of marriage! You can make this for me any day."

Needless to say, every golf day from then on, the woman made her husband the same dish.

She told her golf partners about it and they were all horrified. "You're
going to kill him!" they exclaimed.

Two months later, her husband died. The women were sitting around the clubhouse, and one of them said, "You killed him! We told you that feeding him cat food every week would do him in! How can you just sit there so calmly knowing you murdered your husband?"

The wife stoically replied, "I didn't kill him. He fell off the window sill
while he was licking his arse!"

 

[colsy]

A mixture ..!

I went to a disco last night. They played the twist, I got up and did the twist. They played the jump. I jumped. They played "Come on Eileen". I was asked to leave.

==================

An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Rimini , Italy , went to the local church for confession.

When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said:

"Father, during World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our neighbourhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic."

The priest replied: "That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no need to confess that."

"There is more to tell, Father. She started to repay me with sexual favours. This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on Sundays."

The priest said, "That was a long time ago and by doing what you did, you placed the two of you in great danger, but two people under those circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh. However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven."

"Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. I do have one more question."

"And what is that?" asked the priest.

"Should I tell her the war is over?''

=======================

A farmer decided to go into town to see a movie along with his pet rooster. Noticing that no animals were allowed inside the cinema, he smuggled the rooster into the theater in his front overall pocket and unzipped it once the lights had dimmed and the movie had started so the rooster could see. The woman sitting next to him eventually noticed, and nudged her husband. "I think this man is a pervert. He's got his thing out." Her husband replies, "So? It's nothing you haven't seen before." to which she says "But honey, this one's eating my popcorn!"

======================

Some years ago President Clinton was hosting a state dinner when, at the last minute, his regular cook fell ill, and they had to get a replacement on short notice. The fellow arrived and turned out to be a very grubby-looking man named Jon.

The President voiced his concerns to his Chief of Staff but was told that this was the best they could do on such short notice.

Just before the meal, the President noticed the cook sticking his finger in the soup to taste it and again complained to the Chief Of Staff, but he was told that this man was supposed to be a very good chef.

The meal went okay, but the President was sure that the soup tasted a bit funny.

By the time dessert came, he was starting to have stomach cramps and nausea. It was getting worse and worse until finally the President had to excuse himself from the dinner to look for the bathroom. Passing through the kitchen, he caught sight of the cook, Jon, scratching his bum, which made him feel even worse.

By now, the President was desperately ill with violent cramps and was so disorientated that he couldn't remember which door led to the bathroom. He tried every door in the hallway and was on the verge of passing out from the pain when he finally found a door that opened.

As he unzipped his trousers and ran in, he realised to his horror that he had stumbled into Monica Lewinsky's office with his trousers around his knees. The President fell to the floor in pain and as he was just about to pass out, Monica bent over him to listen for a heartbeat and heard the President whisper in a barely audible voice "Sack my cook".

And, that is how the whole misunderstanding occurred.

=====================
A Muslim wife complains to her husband that all the romance had gone out of their marriage. "Remember when you used to carry me up to bed?" she asked. Yeah," he replied "But be fair though, you were only eleven at the time..."
====================
Ted and his wife were working in their garden one day when Ted looks over at his wife and says: "Your butt is getting really big, I mean really big! I bet your butt is bigger than the barbecue". With that he proceeded to get a measuring tape and measure the grill and then went over to where his wife was working and measured his wife's bottom. "Yes, I was right, your butt is two inches wider than the barbecue!!" The wife chooses to ignore her husband. Later that night in bed, Ted is feeling a little frisky. He makes some advances towards his wife who completely brushes him off. "What's wrong?" he asks. She answers: "Do you really think I'm going to fire up this big-ass grill for one little weenie?"
=====================
I'm doing a charity gig tonight for people who struggle to achieve orgasm. Don't worry if you can't come.
======================
A young woman was having a physical examination and was very embarrassed because of a weight problem. As she removed her last bit of clothing, she blushed. "I'm so ashamed, Doctor" she said "I guess I let myself go". The physician was checking her eyes and ears. "Don't feel ashamed, Miss. You don't look that bad". "Do you really think so, doctor?" she asked. The doctor held a tongue depressor in front of her face and said "Of course. Now just open your mouth and say moo".

=====================
Standing at the urinals next to a midget, when I noticed him winking at me. I turned my back a bit but when I looked round he was still winking at me, so I said " whats your problem - do you fancy me or something ?" he said "you're splashing in my eye !"

=====================

Women are like Orange Juice cartons. It's not the shape or size that matters or even how sweet the juice is. It's getting those ****in flaps to open.

====================
Man making love to 30 stone woman, he said "any chance we can have the light switched off", she said "why, do you find me that repulsive"? he said "no its burning my arse"..!

====================
A 7 yr & 4 year old are in their bedroom, 'You know what "says 7yr old, "I think its time we started swearing. When we go downstairs for breakfast I'll swear first then you". "OK" says 4yr old. Mum asks 7yr old what he wants for breakfast. "I'll have Coco pops, bitch". WHACK, he flew out of his chair crying his eyes out. Mum looked at 4yr old & said sternly "and what do you want?". "dunno but it won't be fvcking coco pops"

=====================

I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the biggest penis she had ever laid her hands on.
I said "You're pulling my leg".

=====================

So my wife comes to me and says she wants money for a boob job and its only $6 grand. So I tell her to just grab a roll of toilet paper and rub it up and down between her tits 4 times twice a day and she asks how the hell that's gonna make her boobs bigger. To which I reply, the **** if I know, but look what it did for your ass.

=====================

There are four kinds of sex :
HOUSE SEX - When you are newly married and have sex all over the house in every room.
BEDROOM SEX - After you have been married for a while, you only have sex in the bedroom.
HALL SEX - After you've been married for many, many years you just pass each other in the hall and say "FUC YOU"
COURTROOM SEX - When your wife and her lawyer fuc you in the divorce court in front of many people for every penny you've got.

======================


When I met my girlfriend she never farted when she was with me.
Now that we've been together for a couple of years she lets go at anytime.

Last night she let rip while I was eating.

She apologized but she still didn't let go of my head.



=====================

A Muslim couple, preparing for their wedding, meet the Mullah for counselling. The Mullah asks if they have any last questions before they leave. The man asks "We realise it's a tradition in Islam for men to dance with men, and women to dance with women. But, at our wedding reception, we'd like your permission to dance together".

"Absolutely not" says the Mullah. "It's immoral. Men and women always dance separately". "So after the Ceremony I can't even dance with my own wife?" "No" Answered the Mullah "It's forbidden in Islam".

"Well, okay" says the man "What about sex? Can we finally have sex?" "Of Course!" replies the Mullah "sex is okay within marriage, to have children!"

"What about different positions?" asks the man. "No problem" says the Mullah.

"Woman on top?" the man asks. "Sure" says The Mullah. "Go for it!"

"Doggy Style?" "Sure!"

"On the kitchen table?" "Yes, yes!"

"Can we do it with all my four wives together on rubber sheets with a bottle of hot oil, a couple of vibrators, leather harnesses, a bucket of honey and a ****o video?" "You may indeed!"

"Can we do it standing up?" "No" says The Mullah". "Why not?" asks the man. "It could lead to dancing!"

==========================


Phone rings, woman answers. The pervert, with heavy breathing, says "Have you got a tight unshaven twat?" Woman replies "Yes, he's watching television - who shall I say is calling?"

========================

 

[colsy]

Jenny Craig for Men

I called the company and ordered their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program.

The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before me a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck.
She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.
The sign reads, 'If you can catch me, you can have me.'
Without a second thought, I took off after her. A few miles later huffing and puffing, I finally gave up.
The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens.
On the fifth day, I weighed myself and am delighted to find I lost 10 lbs. as promised.
I called the company and ordered their 5-day/20 pound program.
The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman I have ever seen in my life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, 'If you catch me you can have me'.
Well, I'm out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and I do my best, but no such luck. So for the next four days, the same routine happens and I'm gradually getting in better shape.
Much to my delight on the fifth day when I weigh myself, I discover that I have lost another 20 lbs. as promised. So I decide to go for broke and call the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program.
"Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program."
"Absolutely," I reply, "I haven't felt this good in years."
The next day there's a knock at the door; and when I open it I find a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, "If I catch you,... you're mine."

I lost 63 pounds that week.

 

[colsy]

Sir Richard Branson has refused to become Man United's new sponsor!

He said " I cannot allow the good name of VIRGIN to be associated with a
bunch of footballer's
who get ****ED every game!"

=================
The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?” The
father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three
phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm.
In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit.
After 50, they are like onions.” “Onions?” the son asks. “Yes. You see
them and they make you cry.” This infuriated his wife and daughter. The
daughter asks, “Mom, how many different kinds of willies are there?” The
mother smiles and says, “Well, dear, a man goes through three phases
also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his
30s and 40s, it’s like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s,
it’s like a Christmas tree.” “A Christmas tree?” the daughter asks.
“Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.”


=====================

 

[Fireproofbob]

short and simple joke my daughter told me "why are pirates called pirates....... Cause they ARRRR!"

 

[colsy]

Frozen Crabs

A lawyer boarded a Jet star flight in Perth , with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde stewardess to take care of them for him. She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator.

He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for
them staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out.

Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behaviour.

Shortly before landing in Sydney , she used the intercom to announce
to the entire cabin, "Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs in Perth ,
please raise your hand?"

Not one hand went up ... So she took them home and ate them.

Two lessons here:
1. Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are.
2. Blondes aren't as dumb as most folk think.

 

[colsy]

Woman stops 'gator' attack

This is a story of self-control and marksmanship by a brave, cool-headed
woman with a small pistol against a fierce predator. What is the smallest
caliber that you would trust to protect yourself? A Beretta Jetfire .25
caliber is what she credited for saving her life. Obviously, a testimonial
to this fine weapon.

Here is the rest of the story: "While out walking along the edge of a bayou
just below Houma, Louisiana with my soon to be ex-husband discussing
property settlement and other divorce issues, we were surprised by a huge
12-ft. alligator suddenly emerging from the murky water and charging us with
its large jaws wide open. The' gator must have been protecting her nest
because she was extremely aggressive.

If I had not had my little Beretta Jetfire .25 caliber pistol with me, I
would not be here today! Just one shot to my estranged husband's knee cap
was all it took. The 'gator got him easily and I was able to escape by just
walking away at a brisk pace. It's one of the best pistols in my
collection. Plus, the amount I saved in lawyer's fees was more than worth
the purchase price of the gun!"

 

[colsy]

The Cardiologists Funeral

A very prestigious cardiologist died, and was given a very elaborate funeral by the hospital he worked for most of his life..
A huge heart... covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service as all the doctors from the hospital sat in awe. Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.
At that point, one of the mourners just burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, 'I'm so sorry... I was just thinking of my own funeral...I'm a gynecologist!'
The priest fainted!

 

[colsy]

Stammering

A very pretty young speech therapist was getting absolutely nowhere with her Stammerer's Action Group.
She had tried every technique in the book, but still they stammered and stuttered.
Finally, totally exasperated, she said;
"If any of you can tell me where you were born, without stuttering, I will have wild and passionate sex with you until your muscles ache and your eyes water."
The Englishman immediately piped up; "B-b-b-b-b-b-b-irmingham", he said.
"That's no use, Trevor" said the speech therapist, "Who's next?"
The Scotsman raised his hand and blurted out; "G-g-g-g-g-g-gl-lasgow".
That's no better either, Hamish.
Now, how about you, Paddy?
The Irishman took a deep breath, counted to 5 and eventually blurted out; " London ".
Brilliant, Paddy! said the speech therapist and immediately set about living up to her promise.
After 15 minutes of exceptionally steamy sex, the couple paused for breath and Paddy said;
. . . . .
. . . .
. .
. ..
. .
. . .
. . .
. . . .. "d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-erry".

 

[colsy]

some jokes

My wife complained that I'm prone to exaggeration. I nearly tripped over my ****.

........................................
There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned". The priest said "Confess your sins and be forgiven". The young woman said "Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times". The priest thought long and hard and then said "Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice". The young woman asked "Will this cleanse me of my sins?" The priest said "No, but it will wipe that smile off of your feckin face".

.......................................

A woman goes on holiday to Barbados. Upon arriving, she meets a black man, and after a night of passionate love making she asks him "What is your name?" "I can't tell you" the black man says.

Every night they meet and every night she asks him again what his name is and he always responds the same, that he can't tell her.

On her last night there she asks again "Can you please tell me you name?" "I can't tell you my name because you will laugh at me" says the black man.

"There is no reason for me to laugh at you" the lady says.

"Okay. My name is Snow!" the black man replies, and the lady bursts into laughter.

The black man gets mad and says "I knew you would make fun of it!" The lady replied "I'm not making fun of your name. I'm thinking of my husband back home who won't believe me when I tell him I had 10 inches of snow every day in Barbados!"

......................................


A daughter asked her dad, "Dad there is something that my boyfriend said to me, that I didn't understand..

He said that, I have a beautiful chassis, 2 lovely airbags and a fantastic bumper."

Dad said, "You tell your boyfriend that if he opens your bonnet and pulls out his dipstick to check the oil, I will give him such a service that his motor will seize and his ball bearings will fall off."!!!

 

[colsy]

Only a Aussie could come up with this one ...

A plane passed through a severe storm. The turbulence was awful, and things went from bad to worse when one wing was struck by lightening.

One woman lost it completely. She stood up in the front of the plane and screamed, 'I'm too young to die,' she cried.. Then she yelled, 'If I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?'

For a moment, there was silence. Everyone stared at the desperate woman in the front of the plane. Then the man from Australia stood up in the rear of the plane.


He was handsome, tall, well built, with dark brown hair and hazel eyes. Slowly, he started to walk up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt as he went, one button at a time. No one moved. He removed his shirt.
Muscles rippled across his chest.



She gasped.....



Then, he spoke...'Iron this will you -- and then get me a beer'

 

[colsy]

Ta end is near

Sean is the pastor of a Church of England parish on the Northern Ireland/ Southern Ireland border and Patrick is the priest in the Roman Catholic Church across the road.
One day they are seen together, erecting a sign into the ground, which said:

TA END IS NEAR!
TURN YERSELF AROUNT NOW
AFOR IT IS TOO LATE!

As a car speeds past them, the driver leans out his window and yells,

"Leave people alone, you Oirish religious nutters! We don't need your lectures."




From the next curve they hear screeching tyres and a big splash.


Shaking his head, Rev. Patrick says "Dat's da terd one dis mornin'."


"Yaa," Pastor Sean agrees, then asks, "Do ya tink maybe da soign should jost say, 'Bridge Out?'"

 

[colsy]

The Undertaker's Black Eye

Bob, an undertaker, recently came home with a black eye.
"What happened to you?" asked his wife.
"I had a terrible day." replied Bob . "I had to go to a hotel and pick up a man who had died in his sleep. When I got there, the manager said they couldn't get him into a body bag because he had this huge erection.

Anyway, I went up and, sure enough, there was this big naked guy lying on the bed with this huge erection.
So I grabbed it with both hands and tried to snap it in half."

"I see" said his wife, "that must have been awful, but how did you get the black eye?"

Bob replied: " Wrong room ."

 

[colsy]

jokes

Q: what do you call an epileptic having a fit in a deck-chair?
A: a transformer

what do you call a mexican with a vasectomy?
A dry martinez.

what's blue and green and doesn't fit anymore?
a dead epileptic.

Chant on an Alzheimers Demonstration
What do we want?
YES!
When do we want it?
WHAT?

what's the difference between a woman and a fridge?
the fridge doesn't fart when you take your meat out

Whats ten feet long and smells of piss?
a. old people doing the conga!

mike tyson comes up to this geeky white guy in a pub and says 'i hate white people' and gives him a meaningful look. so the bloke says ' oh ok, if you say so' and Tyson walks away. tyson comes back and says 'i eat white babies' and give him a meaningful look. the bloke says, ' really, fried or boiled' and Tyson walks off. Tyson comes over again and says, 'I shag White women' and the bloke says, 'not surprised, if I had your money, I wouldn't shag black women either!'

 

[colsy]

Jehovah Witness

Saturday morning the weather was too bad to play golf. I was bored with nothing to do. There was a knock on the door. I opened it to find a young, well-dressed man standing there who said: "Hello sir, I'm a Jehovah Witness.

So I said, "Come in and sit down.”

I offered him a fresh cup of coffee and asked, "What do you want to talk about?”

He said, "Beats the **** out of me. Nobody ever let me in before."

 

[colsy]

Flight Attendant

A man is alone in an airport lounge. A beautiful woman walks in and sits down at the table next to him. He decides because she's wearing a uniform, she's probably an off-duty flight attendant.

So he decides to have a go at picking her up by identifying the airline she flies for, thereby impressing her greatly.

He leans across to her and says the British Airways motto : 'To Fly. To Serve'?

The woman looks at him blankly

He sits back and thinks up another line.

He leans forward again and delivers the Air France motto 'Winning the hearts of the world'?

Again she just stares at him with a slightly puzzled look on her face.

Undeterred, he tries again, this time saying the Malaysian Airlines motto 'Going beyond expectations'?

The woman looks at him sternly and says 'What the **** do you want?'

'Aha!' he says, "RyanAir!".