A few more laughs ....

[colsy]

Neighbour

I woke for a visit to the toilet in the middle of the night and noticed a Muslim sneaking through next door's garden.

Suddenly my neighbour came from nowhere and smacked him over the head with a shovel killing him instantly.

He then began to dig a grave with the shovel.

Astonished I got back into bed.

My wife said, 'darling you're shaking, what is it?'



'You'll never believe what I've just seen' I said,


'That ******* next door has still got my shovel !!!'

 

[colsy]

The Armani Shoes

Luigi walks to work 20 blocks every day and passes a shoe store twice every day. Each day he stops and looks to admire the Armani leather shoes.

He wants those shoes so much. It’s all he can think about. After about 2 months he saves the price of the shoes, £300, and purchases them.

Every Friday night the Italian community holds a dance in the church basement - Luigi seizes this opportunity to wear his new Armani leather shoes for the first time.

He asks Sophia to dance and as they dance he asks her, 'Sophia, do you wear red panties tonight?'

Startled, Sophia replies, 'Yes, Luigi , I do wear red panties tonight, but how do you know?'

Luigi answers, ‘I see the reflection in my new £300 Armani leather shoes. How do you like them?'

Next he asks Rosa to dance, and after a few minutes he asks, ' Rosa , do you wear white panties tonight?'

Rosa answers, 'Yes, Luigi , I do, but how do you know that?'

He replies, 'I see the reflection in my new £300 Armani leather shoes... How do you like them?'

Now as the evening is almost over and the last song is being played, Luigi asks Carmela to dance.

Midway through the dance his face turns red..He states, 'Carmela, you stilla my heart. Please, please tell me you wear no panties tonight. Please, please, tella me this true!'

Carmela smiles coyly and answers, 'Yes Luigi , I wear no panties tonight...'

Luigi gasps, 'Thanka God .... I thought I had a crack in my £300 Armani leather shoes...!'

 

[colsy]

Had to happen sooner or later ....

She didn’t notice Oscar sneaking up behind her. It was the silence of the limbs.
___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
I see what Pistorius is doing. He is going to jail for 25 years and when he gets released… Bam! President of South Africa. That’s how it works over there, right?
___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
When Oscar Pistorius said he wanted to be just like able-bodied athletes, who knew he meant OJ Simpson?
________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
New Valentine’s Day card: “Roses are red, violets are glorious. Never creep up On Oscar Pistorius.”
____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Police reconstruction indicates that Pistorius lost it when, for his Valentine’s Day gift, his girlfriend gave him a pair of socks


____________________________________________________________________________________________________________
New evidence has been found outside the Pistorius home that completely acquits him of his girlfriend’s murder……………. Footprints

 

[colsy]

In the Chemists

Two young boys walked into a

pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the
checkout counter. The pharmacist at the counter asked the older boy,
'Son, how old are you?' 'Eight', the boy replied. The man continued,
'Do you know what these are used for?' The boy replied, 'Not exactly,
but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four."
"Oh, really?" the pharmacist replied with a grin. "Yes." the boy said.
"We saw on TV that if you use these, you would be able to swim, play
tennis and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do none of those."

 

[bigbadjay]

Good ones, some crackers!

Sent from my HTC One using Tapatalk

 

[colsy]

Poor old Oscar ....more below

I got woken up at four in the morning by a big black male burgling my house.
I mistook the intruder for my gorgeous blonde girlfriend,
so I accidently ****ed him up the arse.

Reports are coming in from The Vatican that Oscar Pistorius's lawyer is to be made a saint after he made a crippled man walk.

I see Paddy Power are taking bets on Oscar Pistorius murder trial.
9/2 if he's found guilty
1000/1 if he walks

Well I guess we should count ourselves lucky Oscar Pistorius was competing in the men's 400m at the Olympics, and not starting it.

I heard a funny noise whilst in bed last night so I jumped up and did all the usual stuff - checked the front door, checked the windows, shot my girlfriend five times, checked the back door.
Turns out there was no one there!

Oscar Pistorius isn't the first member of his family to fall foul of the law.
His older brother Ray is also renowned for being one of South Africa's most notorious sex offenders.

Oscar Pistorius. Just because he has no legs doesn't mean he's unarmed.

Oscar Pistorius has an incredible record of wins to his name.
Six gold medals, four silver medals and one argument with a woman.

Things aren't that bad, Oscar Pistorius.
He has the court's best car parking space.

Just played Paralympic Cluedo. Comes up with the same answer at the end though
The Sprinter
With the firearm
In the bathroom

Old South African saying:
To maintain a perfect relationship, a woman should be a chef in the kitchen, a maid in the living room, a ***** in the bedroom..
and a target in the bathroom.

If Reeva Steenkamp had taken a **** with the door open all this palaver would never have happened.

A female witness at the trial has spoken of how she ended things with Oscar Pistorius only days before he started dating Reeva Steenkamp.
Looks like she dodged a bullet there then.

I don't think any guy would blame Oscar Pistorius for shooting his girlfriend.
When I'm bursting for a shite and my wife's locked in the bog messing about with her makeup, I've often wished I had a gun on me.

I was surprised not to see Oscar Pistorius taking any medals at the Winter Olympics.
After all, no disabled athlete has gone downhill faster.

Oscar Pistorius' trial begins today. Break an arm buddy!

Apparently Oscar Pistorius has given up sprinting, and will be competing in the shooting events in the 2016 Olympic Games

Trying to surprise your partner on Valentine's Day!
Worth a shot.

And the Oscar goes to ......(drumroll)...... JAIL

Oscar Pistorius can't be the first man to wake up legless on Valentines Day and shoot all over his girl's face imagining she's someone else!

New revelations in the Oscar Pistorius case. Police found a cricket bat covered in blood on the scene!
And a pair of stumps...

Following the shooting of Oscar Pistorius's girlfriend, Police received a phone call about a suspect running away from the scene. He was described as being white, and between 5'11" and 8'3".

I've put up a poster of Oscar Pistorius in our bathroom.
It's stopped my girlfriend complaining about me leaving the toilet seat up.

I'm going to see how this Oscar Pistorius trial plays out.
Before giving my wife the sexy little 'burglar' outfit I've bought her.

Oscar Pistorious' defence has more holes in it than his bathroom door.

Oscar killed his girlfriend after seeing the ultra sound of their baby...
Once he spotted the feet, he knew it wasn't his.

What was Reeva Steenkamp's last drink?
Two shots in cider

Oscar Pistorius has shot his girlfriend claiming he thought she was a burglar.
More like he was angry that she bought him socks for Valentines Day.

Everyone is being too quick to judge Oscar Pistorius. To quote the bible; "let he who is without shins cast the first stone"

Oscar Pistorious went to his local fish and chip shop for some dinner.
"Get out of here, you murdering ****", said the owner. "I'm not serving your sort in here. There's another shop ten minutes down the road."
"Show some respect", said Oscar. "I've won six Olympic gold medals and I can run the 100 metres in 10.9 seconds".
"In that case, I apologise," said the shop owner. "It's only two minutes down the road."

If convicted Oscar Pistorius may have his prosthetic legs taken away leaving him just 4 ft tall, the ideal height for a prison cocksucker.

Buying his way out of going to prison will cost Oscar Pistorius an arm and a arm.

People are too hard on Oscar Pistorius. I mean put yourselves in his shoes.

Looks like Oscar Pistorius has shot himself in the foot...

Oscar Pistorius : She wears the trousers, but he calls the shots!

To calm himself down, Oscar Pistorius sings children's songs.

Heads, Shoulders...and Eyes and Ears and Mouth and Nose...


"Knock Knock "

"Who's There" ?

BANG BANG BANG BANG !!!!!!!!

"Oscar"


Me and a few friends have just invented the Oscar Pistorius drinking game whilst watching the trial.

Anytime someone goes to the toilet, you have four quick shots.


Oscar wanted a new bedroom door but his girlfriend was dead against it.

 

[colsy]

Bertie Wooster was in the study when his butler (okay, manservant) Jeeves approached and coughed discreetly. "May I ask you a question my lord?"
"By all means, Jeeves," said Bertie.
"I am doing the crossword in The Times and I have found a word with which I am unfamiliar."
"What word is that?" said his lordship.
"Aplomb, my lord. "
"Now that's a difficult one to explain I would say it is self-assurance or complete composure."
"Thank you, Sir, but I'm still a little confused."
"Let me give you an example to make it clearer. Do you remember a few months ago the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge arrived to spend a weekend with us at Aunt Agatha's place?"
"I remember the occasion very well, my lord. It gave the staff and myself much pleasure to look after them."
"Also", continued Bertie Wooster, "do you remember when the Duke plucked a bloom for the Duchess in the rose garden?"
"I was present on that occasion, my lord, ministering to their needs."
"While plucking the rose, a thorn embedded itself in his thumb very deeply."
Jeeves replied, "I witnessed the incident, my lord, and saw the Duchess herself remove the thorn and wrap a bandage on his thumb using her own dainty handkerchief, after sucking the thumb gently to stop the bleeding. Yes, my lord, I did see everything that transpired that evening."
Bertie Wooster: "Jeeves, the next morning while you were pouring tea for Her Ladyship, the Duchess asked the Duke in a loud voice, 'Darling is your ***** still throbbing?'
"And you, Jeeves, did not spill one drop of tea! Now that is aplomb!



Thought I would surprise the post women this morning so I sneaked up to the front door and put my c*ck through the letterbox... don't know what surprised her the most, my c*ck or the fact I knew where she lived.
--
A frustrated wife buys a pair of crotchless panties in an attempt to spice up her dead sex-life. She puts them on, together with a short skirt and sits on the sofa opposite her husband. At strategic moments she uncrosses her legs... enough times till her husband says... "Are you wearing crotch less panties?" "Y-e-s" she answers with a seductive smile. "Thank God for that... I thought you were sitting on the cat".


A man went to a urologist and told him that he was having a problem and that he was unable to get his penis erect.

After a complete exam the doctor told the man that the muscles around the base of his penis were damaged from a prior viral infection and there was nothing he could do for him. However, he knew of an experimental treatment that might work, if he were willing to take the risk. The treatment consisted of implanting muscle tissue from an elephant's trunk in the man's penis.

The man thought about it for a while. The thought of going through life without ever experiencing sex again was just too much for him to bear. So, with the assurance that there would be no cruelty or adverse effect on the elephant, the man decided to go for it.

A few weeks after the operation, he was given the green light to use his newly renovated equipment. As a result, he planned a romantic evening with his girlfriend and took her to one of the nicest restaurants in the city. However, in the middle of dinner he felt a stirring between his legs that continued to the point of being extremely painful. To release the pressure, he unzipped his fly and immediately his penis sprang from his pants, went to the top of the table, grabbed a roll, then returned to his pants!

His girlfriend was stunned at first, but then with a sly smile on her face said: "That was incredible. Can you do that again?"

With his eyes watering, he replied: "I think I can... but I'm not sure if I can fit another roll up my arse".




When Jane initially met Tarzan of the jungle, she was attracted to him and during her questions about his life; she asked him how he had sex.

"Tarzan not know sex" he replied. Jane explained to him what sex was.

Tarzan said "Oh, Tarzan use hole in trunk of tree". Horrified she said "Tarzan you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly".

She took off her clothes and laid down on the ground. "Here" she said "you must put it here". Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer, and then gave her an almighty kick in the crotch.

Jane rolled around in agony with tears flowing down her cheeks.

Eventually managed to gasp for air "What did you do that for?" "Tarzan check for bees".

 

[colsy]

Catholic Parrots

A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him,
'Father, I have a problem.
I have two female parrots,
But they only know to say one thing.'
'What do they say?' the priest asked.
They say, 'Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'
'That's obscene!' the priest exclaimed,
Then he thought for a moment......
'You know,' he said, 'I may have a solution to your problem.
I have two male talking parrots,
which I have taught to pray and read the Bible...
Bring your two parrots over to my house,
and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter.
My parrots can teach your parrots to pray and worship,
And your parrots are sure to stop saying that phrase in no time.'
'Thank you,' the woman responded,
'this may very well be the solution.'
The next day,
She brought her female parrots to the priest's house....
As he ushered her in,
She saw that his two male parrots
Were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying...
Impressed,
She walked over and placed her parrots in with them...
After a few minutes,
The female parrots cried out in unison:
Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'
There was stunned silence...
Shocked, one male parrot looked over at
the other male parrot and says,

'Put the beads away, Frank,

 

[colsy]

An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night.
Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is. "I'm 90 years old" he says.
"90?" replies the woman. "Don't you realise you've had it?"
"Oh, sorry" says the old man. "How much do I owe you?"

==========================

NO SPEAKAH DE ENGLISH

A bus stops and 2 Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.

The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:

'Emma come first.
Den I come.
Den two asses come together.
I come once-a-more! ...
Two asses, they come together again.
I come again and pee twice.
Then I come one lasta time.'

The lady can't take this anymore, "You foul- mouthed sex obsessed pig!", she retorted indignantly. 'In this country, we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives!"

'Hey, coola down lady,' said the man, 'Whooza talkin' about sex? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell 'Mississippi.'

 

[colsy]

The Marriage Counsellorl

After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife came for counselling. When
asked what the problem was, the wife went into a tirade listing every
problem they ever had in the years they had been married. On and on and on:
neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and
unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured.

Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist
got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand, he
embraced and kissed her long and passionately as her husband watched with a
raised eyebrow. The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze.


The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs
at least 3 times a week. Can you do this?"
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"Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I
play golf."

 

[colsy]

Lone Ranger and Tonto

The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got
theirTent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.



Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, 'Kemo Sabe,
look Towards sky, what you see?



'The Lone Ranger replies, 'I see millions of stars.'
What that tell you?' asked Tonto.



The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, 'Astronomically speaking,
it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of
planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it
appears to be approximately a quarter Past three in the morning.



Theologically, the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant.
Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. "What's it
tell you, Tonto?"



"You dumber than buffalo ****. It means someone stole the tent."

 

[colsy]

A Scotsman kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner.





Both he and his wife decide that they won't tell the kids what kind of meat it is,





but will give them a clue and let them guess.

The kids were eager to know what the meat was on their plates,





so they begged their dad for a clue.





The dad said,





"Well, it's what your ma calls me sometimes."





The little girl screams to her brother,









"Don't eat it! It's an arsehole!"

 

[colsy]

Essex girl

A surgeon went to check on his patient an Essex girl after an operation.
"You'll be fine," he said.
She asked “How long will it be before I am able to have a normal sex life again doctor?"

The surgeon seemed to pause, and a small tear ran down his cheek from the corner of his eye, which alarmed, thed the girl.
"What's the matter Doctor? I will be all right, won't I?"
He replied, “Yes, you'll be fine. It's just that no one has ever asked me that - after having their tonsils out."

 

[colsy]

Missing Wife

A husband went to the police station to file a "missing person" report for his missing wife:

Husband :-I lost my wife, she went shopping & hasn't come back yet.

Inspector :-What is her height?
Husband :-I never checked.
Inspector :-Slim or healthy?.

Husband :-Not slim, can be healthy.
Inspector :-Colour of eyes?
Husband :-Never noticed.

Inspector :-Colour of hair?
Husband :-Changes according to season.

Inspector :-What was she wearing?
Husband :-Not sure whether it was a dress or a suit.

Inspector :-Was she driving?
Husband :-yes.

Inspector :-colour of the car? . . . . .
Husband :-black Audi A8 with supercharged 3.0 litre V6 engine generating 333 horse power teamed with an eight-speed tiptronic automatic transmission with manual mode. And it has full LED headlights, which use light emitting diodes for all light functions and has a very thin scratch on the front left door....................….and then the husband started crying...

Inspector:-Don't worry sir,.....we will find your car.

 

[colsy]

This is your Captain speaking ....

Shortly after a British Airways flight had reached its cruising altitude, the captain announced: "jeLadies and Gentlemen, this is your captain. Welcome to Flight 293, non-stop from London Heathrow to New York . The weather ahead is good, so we should have a smooth uneventful flight. So, sit back, relax, and.........OH... MY GOD!"
Silence followed.

Some moments later, the captain came back on the intercom. "Ladies and Gentlemen, I'm sorry if I scared you. While I was talking to you, a flight attendant accidentally spilled coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!" From the back of the plane, a passenger yelled....... "Well you should see the back of mine!"

 

[colsy]

Coincidences

A chicken farmer went to a local bar ... Sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne ...

The woman perks up and says, 'How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne too!'

'What a coincidence' the farmer says. 'This is a special day for me ... I am celebrating'

'This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating!' says the woman.

'What a coincidence!' says the farmer! As they clinked glasses the man asked, 'What are you celebrating?'

'My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my gynaecologist told me that I am pregnant!'

'What a coincidence,' says the man. 'I'm a chicken farmer and for years all of my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying fertilized eggs.'

'That's great!' says the woman. 'How did your chickens become fertile?'

'I used a different ****,' he replied.

The woman smiled and said, 'What a coincidence.'

 

[colsy]

Four Wishes

A Mumbai Indian, a black African, an Arabic Muslim and a tanned Australian were walking together on Bondi beach when the African stumbled over a bottle in the sand.
He picked up the bottle, rubbed the sand off it, and........ a Genie appeared!

"I can only grant four wishes," the Genie said. "Since there are four of you, you may have one wish apiece"

Pointing at the African, he said, "Since you found the bottle, you may have the first wish."

He thought for a moment then said, "I wish for a fleet of ships so that I can gather all my people and take them back to our homeland."

Poof! It was done! Thousands of ships appeared on the skyline.

The Indian said, "I wish for enough aircraft to take all my peoples back to our homeland!"

Poof! It was done! Row after row of aircraft filled the sky.

The Muslim said, "I wish for a hundred thousand camels to take all of my people way from this horrible country loaded with infidels so we can live in peace in Muslim countries and serve Allah."

Poof! It was done! A hundred thousand camels suddenly appeared on the beach.

Turning to the Australian, the Genie asked, "And what is your wish?"

The Aussie watched as the loaded aircraft began flying out, then looked out to sea and watched the loaded ships sailing out into the sunset, then he looked at all of the Muslims getting on top of the camels and riding west.

He said, "Just a slab of cold beer mate. It doesn't get any bloody better than this!"

 

[colsy]

Three Hillbillies

Three Hillbillies are sitting on a porch shootin' the breeze.

1st Hillbilly says: "My wife sure is stupid!...She bought an air conditioner. "

2nd Hillbilly says: "Why is that stupid?"

1st Hillbilly says: "We ain't got no 'lectricity!"

2nd Hillbilly says: "That's nothin'! My wife is so stupid, she bought one of them new fangled warshin ' machines!"

1st Hillbilly says: "Why is that so stupid?"

2nd Hillbilly says: "'Cause we ain't got no plummin'!"

3rd Hillbilly says: "That ain't nuthin'! My wife is dumber than both yer wifes put together! I was going through her purse the other day lookin' fer some change, and I found 6 condoms in thar."

1st and 2nd Hillbillies say: "Well, what's so dumb about that?"

3rd Hillbilly says: "She ain't got no ****

 

[colsy]

Chat with Satan

A few minutes before the church services started, the congregation was sitting in their pews talking.



Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.



Everyone started screaming and running for the entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.



Soon the church was empty except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God’s ultimate enemy was in his presence.

So Satan walked up to the man and said, “Do you know who I am ?’”

The man replied, “Yep, sure do.”

“Aren’t you afraid of me ?” Satan asked.

“Nope, sure ain't.” said the man.

“Don't you realize I can kill you with one word?” asked Satan.

“Don't doubt it for a minute,” returned the old man, in an even tone.

“Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying AGONY for all eternity?” persisted Satan.

“Yep,” was the calm reply.

“And you are still not afraid?” asked Satan.

“Nope,” said the old man.

More than a little perturbed, Satan asked,”Why aren’t you afraid of me?”

The man calmly replied, “Been married to your sister for 62 years.”

 

[colsy]

Japanese Sex

A Japanese couple is having an argument over ways of performing highly erotic sex:

Husband: Sukitaki.
Wife replies: Kowanini!
Husband says: Toka a anji rodi roumi yakoo!
Wife on her knees literally begging: Mimi nakoundinda tinkouji!
Husband replies angrily: Na miaou kina tim kouji!

I can't believe you just sat and tried to read this. As if you understand Japanese!

Unbelievable!

I knew you would read anything as long as it is about sex.

You need help!!