Some Crackers here ..
What's the difference between a chickpea and a lentil?
I wouldn't pay £200 to have a lentil on my face.
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I went to identify my wife's body at the mortuary.
"Are you absolutely sure it's her?" asked the policeman.
"Yes," I said. "She's cold and she isn't talking to me, what more do you want?"
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I've always dreamt of having a willy as long as a 2 litre bottle of orange soda, and just as wide.
Fanta sized, actually.
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I went to my cat's funeral today.
Hopefully for the last time.
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My budgie broke his leg today so I made him a little splint out of a couple of Swan Vesta match sticks,
his little face lit up when he tried to walk..
Unfortunately, I forgot to remove the sandpaper from the bottom of his cage.
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There were five in the bed, and the little one said -
"These NHS cuts are getting a bit much."
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I watched curling for a few hours today and I must say I found it very boring.
Plus the women kept giving me funny looks through the hairdressers window.
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A man with a 50-inch-long penis goes to his doctor to complain that he is unable to get any women to have sex with him. They all tell me that my member is too long he says. Doctor he asked, in total frustration is there any way you can shorten it? The doctor replied Medically, son, there is nothing I can do. But, I do know this witch who may be able to
help you. So the doctor gives him directions to the witch.
The man calls upon the witch and relays his story. Witch, my penis is 50 inches long and I can't get any women to have sex with me. Can you
help me shorten it? The witch asked him to Pull it out and let me look at it.
The man uncoils his 50 inch monster. The witch stares in amazement, scratches her head, and then replies I think I have a solution to your
problem. What you have to do is go to a pond deep in the forest. In the pond you will see a frog sitting on a log who can
help solve your dilemma. First you must ask the frog to marry you. Each time the frog declines your proposal, your member will be ten inches shorter.
The man's face lit up and he dashed off into the forest. He came upon the pond and sure enough, there sat this frog on a log. He called out to the frog Will you marry me? The frog looked at him dejectedly and replied NO.
The man looked down and suddenly his unit was 10 inches shorter. WOW he screamed out loud This is great!! But it's still too long at 40 inches, so I'll ask the frog to marry me again. Frog, will you marry me? the guy shouted. The frog rolled its eyes back in its head and screamed back NO! The man felt another twitch in his privates, looked down, and it was another 10 inches shorter.
This is fantastic! the man exclaimed. He looked down at it again, 30 inches long, and reflected for a moment. Thirty inches is still a monster, just a little less would be ideal. So, I'll ask the frog to marry me one more time.
Grinning, he looked across the pond and yelled out Frog will you marry me? The frog looked back across pond shaking its head NO! ... NO! ... and for the last time... NO!
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Guy goes to the Doctors because he's constipated.
Doc gives him two pills and said "Put these in your back passage and come and see me next week."
Next week Doc asks how he got on.
Guy says "Bloody waste of time - we haven't got a back passage, so I put 'em in the back cupboard and for all the good they did there I might as well have shoved them up my arse!"
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The Best Pubs Are Irish
"As good as this bar is," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow, there's a wee place called McTavish's. The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth drink."
"Well, Angus," said the Englishman, “at my local in London, the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."
"Ahhh, dat's nothin'," said Paddy Sheehan, the Irishman. "Back home in me favourite pub, the moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like, actually. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see dat you gets laid, all on the house!”
The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims.
"Did this actually happen to you, Paddy?”
"Not me meself, personally, no," admitted the Irishman, "but it did happen to me sister quite a few times."
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My wife, children and I have been sitting upstairs in our Somerset home, totally cut off from the outside world, with the downstairs flooded for the last five weeks.
Today the Red Cross pulled up outside in a boat.
"Thank God!" I shouted. "Have you come to save us?"
"No," they replied. "We're collecting donations for Syria."
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I was squashed up next to a stunning Asian girl on the tube and I could feel myself getting hard. We were that tight together she couldn't
help but notice it. "Your c*ck is very hard, isn't it?" She said to me, "Yes, I'm very sorry, " I told her, "Don't be," she replied, "mine is as well."...
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I asked the wife what she wants for Valentines Day. She said, "I'll give you a clue. Ex-England goalie."
She thinks she's getting Flowers but instead she's getting Seaman.
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Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says You know I do not know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we have been out drinking I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway I shut off the engine and coast into the garage I take my shoes off before I go into the house I sneak up the stairs I get undressed in the bathroom I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!
His buddy looks at him and says Well you are obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway slam the door storm up the steps throw my shoes into the closet jump into bed rub my hands on my wifes ass and say How about a little and she pretends she is asleep.
