A few more laughs ....

[colsy]

My girlfriend broke up with me, saying that I was too kinky for her in
the bedroom.
I nearly choked on her **** when she told me.

Prince Charles was visiting a nursing home. He asks a 93 year old lady,
"have you been bed-ridden since you've been here?" she replies "a couple
of times but i prefer being f*cked up the arse on the sofa"

Me mum just rang me an told me she's got swelling on her tits, arse and
fanny. I said
'****in hell mum, thats too much inflammation!'

Mick is in court for a double murder. The judge says "you are charged
with beating your wife to death with a hammer.'' Man at the back of the
courtroom yells out "c^nt!" The room goes silent, the judge continues
"you are also charged with beating your wife's lover to death with a
hammer." Again the man yells out "you f*cking c^nt!" The judge having
enough, looks at the man and says "sir, I can understand your anger at
this crime but I will have no more outbursts, if you have anything to
say, say it now". The man gets up and says "for 15 years I lived next
door to that ******* & everytime I asked to borrow a ****in hammer he
said he didn't have one!!!"

3 Irishmen in a bar. Paddy says"My locals better than this, you buy 2
drinks and the 3rds free" Mick says, "Well in my local you buy 1 drink
you get the 2nd free" Murphy says, "Thats nothin. In my local you buy
the 1st drink, then the 2nd, 3rd, 4th,5th,6th & 7th are free. Then you
go out the back and get shagged senseless." "WOW," says the other two,
"Has that actually happened to you?" "No," says Murphy, "But it happened
to my sister. !

Was asked to go and see my ex girlfriend today. 1 thing lead 2 another
and we ended up havin sex. Police weren't 2 pleased. I was only meant to
be identifying the body.

All men marry a nymphomaniac. problem is after a few months, The nympho
leaves but the f*cking maniac stays !

Nun goes into confessional and say's to the priest "l'm pregnant", he
asks how this could happen and she says "l think it must b the 2nd
coming" and the priest shocked by this reply asks "what makes u think it
was the 2nd coming", she replied "cos l swallowed the first lot.!!!"

Girl has baby..., midwife says... 'it's black!.... girl says.... 'I
needed money so I did a **** film... leading man was black.' Midwife
says.' He's got blonde hair.' ' Well the other leading man was blonde.'
midwife says,' he's got slanted eyes.' 'Er the other leading man was
Chinese'... midwife slaps baby and he cries..., 'thank God for that,'
said the girl, 'I thought he was going to bark !

The Pope bought 100 cases of Glenfiddich Scotch whisky today...because
the salesman told him,'it's a cheeky little twelve year old that goes
down well!'

What do u call a mexican peeping tom ?
Senor minge ...

Whats the difference between Brussels sprouts and pubic hair? None. U
just push them 2 the side and carry on eating...

I must have really pissed off my wife when I tried erotic asphyxiation
on her when we were having sex. She's been lying there for five days
now, giving me the silent treatment.

Having just met Susan Boyle and Michelle Mcmanus the pope has said hes
not the least bit surprised his priests are shagging young boys!

A bloke was sitting on a bus when a gorgeous woman next to himstarts
breastfeeding her baby. The baby won't take it so she says, "Come on,
eat it all up or I'll give it to this nice man here." Ten minutes later,
the baby is still not feeding so she says again, "Eat it all up or I'll
give it to this nice man here."The bloke says, "Listen, love, can you
make your bloody mind up, I should've got off four stops ago!"

A man goes to a pharmacy and asks for some viagra, the nurse says 'i
need some medical proof that you need it' the man says 'here's a photo
of my wife'

Man goes to a hypnotherapist as he can't get a hard on. Hypnotist does
his stuff & tells him when you say 1 2 3 you will get a permanent
erection. When your wife can take no more, she must say 1 2 3 4. But
beware, your **** will not get hard for another year! The man rushes
home grabs his wife and shouts 1 2 3 and gets a huge erection! His wife
says what did you say 1 2 3 for?

Doctor, lawyer and priest on a sinking ship.
'Save the kids!' yells the doc,
'F*ck the kids!' yells the lawyer.
'Do we have time?' asks the priest...!

Cheryl Cole, louis Walsh & Simon Cowell are walking along the street
when Cheryl trips, falls forward and jams her head in some railings.
Simon, quick as a flash pulls her knickers down, and bangs her senseless
from behind. Slapping her tight little arse he turns to Louis and says
"Your turn" Louis starts crying. "What's wrong ?" says Simon. Louis sobs
"My head wont fit in the railings !"

Paddy went to the doctors complaining of a bad back, the doc says how
did you do it. Having sex doggie fashion said paddy .....why dont you
try the normal position? I have said paddy but the dog keeps licking my
face!

A hunter shoots himself in the genitals with his shotgun, several hours
later lying in a hospital bed he was approached by his doctor "The good
news is you are going to be okay, The bad news is there was some pretty
extensive buckshot damage to your penis so i'm going to have to refer
you to my sister. "Is she a plastic surgeon ?" replies the hunter "No
says the doctor "She's a flute player. She will teach you where to put
your fingers so you don't piss in your face."

 

[colsy]

A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate
their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, "I have a
confession to make, I'm not a virgin."

The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age."

The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one guy."

"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"

"Tiger Woods."

"Tiger Woods, the golfer?"

"Yeah."

"Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed
with him."

The husband and wife then make passionate love.

When they are done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.

"What are you doing?" asks the wife.

The husband says, "I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get
something to eat."

"Tiger wouldn't do that."

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."

The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love a
second time.

When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone. "Now what are
you doing?" she asks.

The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service
to get something to eat."

"Tiger wouldn't do that."

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it again."

The guy slams down the phone, goes back to bed, and makes love one more
time.

When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone
and starts to dial.

The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?"

"No! I'm calling Tiger Woods, to find out what the par is for this damn
hole."

 

[colsy]

This guy was going down on this girl when he suddenly felt an object in his mouth.
He pulled away and spat out a piece of carrot into his hand.
He looked perplexed at it before shrugging, tossed it away then went back down on her.
A moment later he felt something else enter his mother. This time it was a piece of corn.
He looked at it with mild surprise before shaking his head then threw it away before going back down.
A moment later he pulled up and spat out a piece of cauliflower.
He said:"Hey, Lady, are you sick?"
Lady: "No, but the guy before was."

 

[colsy]

Jewish samurai

Once upon a time, a powerful Emperor of the Rising Sun advertised for a new Chief Samurai. After a year, only three applied for the job: a Japanese,a Chinese, and a Jewish Samurai.



"Demonstrate your skills!" commanded the Emperor.



The Japanese samurai stepped forward, opened a tiny box, and released a fly.

He drew his samurai sword and *Swish!* the fly fell to the floor, neatly divided in two!



"What a feat!" said the Emperor.



"Number Two Samurai, show me what you do."



The Chinese samurai smiled confidently, stepped forward and opened a tiny box, releasing a fly





He drew his samurai sword and * Swish! * Swish! * The fly fell to the floor neatly quartered.



"That is skill!" nodded the Emperor.



"How are you going to top that, Number three Samurai?"



The Jewish samurai, Obi-wan Cohen, stepped forward, opened a tiny box releasing one fly, drew his samurai sword and Swoooooosh! * flourished his sword so mightily that a gust of wind blew through the room.



But the fly was still buzzing around! In disappointment, the Emperor said,"What kind of skill is that? The fly isn't even dead."



"Dead," replied the Jewish Samurai !! "Dead is easy.



But, Circumcised...??"

 

[colsy]

Knickers

2 female police officer dog handlers on the beat.
One says 'I'm cold, I left my knickers at the station',
The other says 'let the dog have a sniff of your fanny and he'll fetch them'.
The dog returned 20 mins later with her knickers, a truncheon,
2 broom handles and
3 of the desk sergeants fingers.....

 

[colsy]

The Mexican Maid

The Mexican Maid asked for a pay increase....

The wife was very upset about this, and decided to talk to her about the raise..
She asked: "Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?"
Maria: "Well, Señora, there are tree reasons why I wanna increaze."
"The first is that I iron better than you."
Wife: "Who said you iron better than me?
"Maria: "Jor huzban he say so."
Wife: "Oh yeah?"
Maria: "The second reason eez that I am a better cook than you."
Wife: "Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?"
Maria: "Jor hozban did."
Wife, increasingly agitated: "Oh he did, did he?"
Maria: "The third reason is that I am better at sex than you in the bed."
Wife, really boiling now and through gritted teeth.
Wife: "And did my husband say that as well?"
Maria: "No Señora...."The gardener did."
Wife: "So, how much do you want?"

 

[colsy]

Women are Evil ?

A woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub.

She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately.

She seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers.

As he did, she gently caressed his full beard.

"Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands. "Actually, no," he replied.

"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.

"I'm afraid I can't," breathed the bartender.. "Is there anything I can do?"

"Yes. I need you to give him a message," she continued, running her forefinger across the bartender's lip and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

"What should I tell him?" the bartender managed to say.

"Tell him," she whispered,

"There's no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room."

 

[colsy]

How the fight started ..!

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift...

The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.

When she asked me why, I replied,

"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

And that's how the fight started.....

________________________________


I took my wife to a restaurant.

The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."

He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"

"Nah, she can order for herself."

And that's when the fight started.....

_______________________________


My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school
reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his
drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.

I asked her, "Do you know him?"

"Yes", she sighed,

"He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking
right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he
hasn't been sober since."

"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

And then the fight started...

________________________________


When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting
to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had
something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat,
making beer.. Always something more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.

When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing
scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into
the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again
I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the
grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

______________________________


My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.

She asked, "What's on TV?"

I said, "Dust."

And then the fight started...

________________________________


Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the
boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential
downpour. The wind was blowing 50mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back; now with a different
anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is
terrible."

My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing ?"

And that's how the fight started...

_______________________________


My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.

She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds."

I bought her a bathroom scale.

And then the fight started......

______________________________


After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.

The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age.

I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.

So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.

She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped
your pants. You might have gotten disability too.'

And then the fight started...

________________________________


My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.

She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,

"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you
to pay me a compliment.'

I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."

And then the fight started........

_______________________________

I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day!

The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!

He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!'

So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?'

That's how the fight started.

 

[colsy]

In a bar in Glasgow

I was standing at a bar in a Glasgow pub yesterday and this wee Chinese guy comes in,
stands next to me and starts drinking a beer.


I said to him, "Do ye know ony of thae martial arts thingys, like Kung-Fu, Karate or Ju-Jitsu?"


He says "No, why the fruck yoo ask me dat? Iss coz I Chinee, huh?"


"Och No", I say, "It's because yer drinkin' ma f*ckin beer, ya squinty eyed wee *******!!"

 

[colsy]

Father of Many

A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards. The little boy asked why he wore his collar that way.
The man, who was a priest, said, "I am a Father."
The little boy replied, "My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that."
The priest looked up from his book and said, "I am the Father of many."
The boy said, "My Dad has four boys, four girls and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way."
The priest, getting impatient, said "I am the Father of hundreds," and went back to reading his book.
The little boy sat quietly... but on leaving the bus, he leaned over and said, "Well, maybe you should wear your pants backwards instead of your collar."

 

[colsy]

My wife went to an Ann Summers party last night.Before she went she said to me, "I really want to buy a vibrator".I said, "Okay you can buy one, but it must be 2 inches smaller than me".She came back with a dildo that was 5ft 8.

=============


"Release the Kraken!" I shouted, in my best 'Greek God' voice.

"Right, that's it Dave." said my wife, pulling up her knickers. "You can just **** off and have a wank."
=============

A man walks into a clock shop, gets his **** out, and slaps it on the counter.

"I'm sorry Sir, this is a clock shop.." - says the woman that works there

"Yeah, I know" says the man,

"Put two hands and a face on that!"

=============

WOMEN eh!
Boob-jobs,
nose-jobs,
teeth bleaching,
tummy tucks,
liposuction,
colonic irrigation,
Botox,
pierced ears,
pierced nipples,
pierced bellies,
pierced clits,
eyebrows plucked,
bikini wax,
armpits shaved,
legs waxed....
and THEN,
they won't take it up the ar$e 'cos
''it hurts!''

==============


Please BE WARNED! Over the last month I have become a victim of a clever 'Eastern European' scam whilst out shopping.

Simply dropping into Sainsbury's supermarket for a bit of shopping turned out to be quite an experience for me, Here's how the scam works:

Two very good-looking 20-21 year-old girls came over to my car as I was packing my shopping into the boot. They both started cleaning my windscreen, their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T- shirts. When I thanked them and offered them a tip, they said 'No' and instead they asked me for a lift to another supermarket. I agreed and they both got in the back seat.

On the way there, they start undressing, until both are completely naked. Then, when I pulled over to remonstrate, one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over my lap, kissing me, touching me intimately and thrusting herself against me, while the other one steals my wallet!


I had my wallet stolen on December 4th, 9th,10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, 24th and 29th. Also on 1st, 4th, 6th January, and twice today.

So please warn all the older men you know to be on the lookout for this scam. The best times seem to be just before lunch and about 4:30 in the afternoon.

P.S. Aldi have cheap wallets on sale for £1.99 each but Lidl wallets are £1.75 and look better!!
===============

A virile, middle aged Italian gentlemen named Guido was relaxing at his favourite bar in Rome when he managed to attract a spectacular young blond woman.

Things progressed to the point where he led her back to his apartment and, after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he rattled her senseless.

After a pleasant interlude, he asked with a smile, "So, you finish?"

She paused for a second, frowned, and replied. "No."

Surprised, Guido reached for her and the rattling resumed.

This time she thrashed about wildly and there were screams of passion. The sex finally ended and, again, Guido smiled and asked, "You finish?"

Again, after a short pause, she returned his smile, cuddled closer to him and softly said, "No."

Stunned, but damned if he was going to leave this woman unsatisfied, Guido reached for the woman yet again.

Using the last of his strength, he barely managed it, but they ended together screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets.

Exhausted, Guido fell onto his back, gasping. Barely able to turn his head, he looked into her eyes, smiled proudly and asked again, "You finish?"

Barely able to speak, the beautiful blonde whispered in his ear.....

"No, I Norwegian."

===============

Danny discovers his wife is cheating with another guy; so he goes to the guy's wife and tells her about it.

"I know what we will do....." she says, "let's take revenge on them!"

So they go to a motel and take revenge.

After 10 mins, she says, "Let's take more revenge...." and they take revenge again.

So like this, they kept taking more & more 'revenge'....

After 5 times, Danny was lying spent and she said, "Lets take revenge again."

Danny said, "I can't..... I have no more hard feelings left !!"

 

[shnazzle]

Don't even know why but the kraken one cracks me up! Maybe because it's so something I would do

 

[colsy]

The Loving Husband

A man had two of the best tickets for the Rugby World Cup Final. As he sits down, another man comes along and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him. "No .... ," he says, "the seat is empty." "This is incredible ...... !" said the man, "who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Rugby Cup Final, the biggest sporting event of the Rugby World and not use it ...... ? He says, "Well actually, the seat belongs to me. My wife was supposed to come with me, but she passed away. This is the first Cup Final we haven't been to, together, since we got married ..... .... "Oh . . ... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. I guess you couldn't find someone else, a friend, or relative, or even a neighbour, to take the seat ..... ?" The man shakes his head ... . .,

"No ..... . They're all at the funeral."

 

[colsy]

Football Boots

Woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.

Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them, and hides in the
bedroom cupboard to watch. Just after getting into bed the woman's husband
also comes home unexpectedly, she tells her lover to hide in the cupboard,
not realizing that the little boy is in there.

After a little while the little boy says, 'Dark in here.

The man, who obviously got a real fright not expecting to hear anything, let
alone from a little boy says, 'Yes, it is.'

Boy - 'I have a football.'

Man - 'That's nice.'

Boy - 'Want to buy it?'

Man - 'No, thanks.'

Boy - 'My dad's outside.'

Man - 'OK, how much?'

Boy - '$ 250'

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in
the cupboard together.

Boy - 'Dark in here.'

Man - 'Yes, it is'

Boy - 'I have football boots.'

The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, 'OK How much this time?'

Boy - '$ 750'

Man - 'Sold.'

A few days later, the boys' father says to the boy, 'Grab your boots and
football, let's go outside and have a game of soccer.

The boy says, 'I can't, I sold my ball and boots.'

The father asks, 'How much did you sell them for and to who?'

The boy says, 'To a friend of mine for a $ 1,000..'

The father says, 'That's a terrible thing to do, overcharging your friend
like that'. 'That's four times what they cost when they were new, I'm going
to take you to church and make you confess your terrible sins.'

They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the
confession booth and he closes the door.

The boy says, 'Dark in here'..

The priest says, 'Don't start that **** again you little *****, you're in my
cupboard now'!!

 

[colsy]

.....I find out my wife was having an affair but, by turning to religion, I was soon able to come to terms with the whole thing. I converted to Islam, and we're stoning her in the morning!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers, so I did. She's 25, and her name's Kathy .

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Went to our local bar with my wife last night. Locals started shouting "pedophile!" and other names at me, just because my wife is 24 and I'm 50. It completely spoiled our 10th anniversary.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class give him a hand-job.

I said "Son, that's three schools this year! You'd better stop before you're banned from teaching altogether."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The cost of living has now gotten so bad that my wife is having sex with me because she can't afford batteries.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A man calls 911 and says "I think my wife is dead".

The operator says, "How do you know?"

The man says "The sex is about the same, but the ironing is piling up!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated, but must come back as a different creature.

She said she would like to come back as a cow.

I said, "You obviously haven't been listening."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My wife has been missing a week now. The police said to prepare for the worst. So, I had to go down to Goodwill to get all of her clothes back.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The Red Cross just knocked on my door and asked if we could contribute towards the floods in Pakistan . I said we'd love to, but our garden hose only reaches the driveway.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A woman stopped by, unannounced, at her son's house.

She knocked on the door and then immediately walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in- law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.

"What are you doing?!" she asked.

"I'm waiting for Mike to come home from work," the daughter-in- law answered.

"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.

"This is my love dress," the daughter-in- law explained.

"Love dress? But you're naked!"

"Mike loves me and wants me to wear this dress," she explained. "It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me."

The mother-in-law left.

When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and laid on the couch, waiting for her husband to arrive. Finally, her husband came home.

He walked in and saw her laying there so provocatively.

"What are you doing?" he asked.

"This is my love dress." she whispered sensually.

"Needs ironing," he said. "What's for dinner?

He never heard the gunshot.

 

[colsy]

Glasgow Doctor

How do we get this through to our wives?

A woman went to the Doctor in Glasgow, worried about her husband's temper and threatening manner.

The Doc asked: "What's the problem, Janet?"

The woman said: "Weeell Doctor Cameron, I dinae know what to do. Every time ma hubbie comes home drunk, he threatens to slap me aroon'."

The Doctor said: "Aye, well... I have a real good cure for that. ...... When your husband arrives home intoxicated, just take a wee glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth.

Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he goes to bed and is sound asleep."

Two weeks later she came back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.

She said: "Doctor that was brilliant! Evrae time ma hubbie came home drunk,
I swished with water. I swished an' swished, and he didnae touch me even once!

Tell me Doc...wha's the secret? How's the water do that?"

The Doctor said: "Janet hen, it's really nae big secret. The water does bugger all - it's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick..." ______________________________

 

[colsy]

A doctor in Dublin wanted to get off work and go fishing, so he approached his assistant. 'Murphy, I am going hunting tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all me patients'.














'Yes, sir!' answers Murphy.
The doctor goes fishing and returns the following day and asks: 'So,Murphy, how was your day?'
Murphy told him that he took care of three patients.

'The first one had a headache so he did, so I gave him Paracetamol.'
'Bravo Murphy lad, and the second one?' asks the doctor.

'The second one had indigestion and I gave him Gaviscon, so I did sir' says Murphy.

'Bravo, bravo! You're good at this and what about the third one?' Asks the doctor


'Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door flies open and a young gorgeous woman borsts in so she does. Like bolt outta the blue, she tears off her clothes, taking off everyting including her bra and her panties and lies down on the table, spreading her legs and shouts: 'HELP ME for the love of St Patrick! For five years I have not seen any man!''

'Tunderin' lard Murphy, what did you do?' asks the doctor.

'I put drops in her eyes!'

 

[colsy]

----- All drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name.

Example, the trade name is Tylenol and it's generic name is Acetaminophen.. Aleve is also called Naproxen.

Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra.

After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin.
Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.
Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer..
It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one.

Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of 'cocktails', 'highballs' and just a good old-fashioned 'stiff drink'.

Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.

Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research.

This means that by 2020, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

 

[colsy]

A New Pet

A woman went to a pet shop and spotted a large, beautiful parrot.
There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00.



"Why so little?" she asked the pet store owner.
The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of prostitution, and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."


The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway. She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.


The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said,
"New house, new madam."

The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought "That's really not so bad."


When her two teenage daughters returned from school, the bird saw them and said, "New house, new madam, new girls."


The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation considering how and where the parrot had been raised.


Moments later, the woman's husband Keith came home from work.
The bird looked at him and said,


"Hi Keith."

 

[colsy]

Misinterpretation

A young girl walks into a supermarket and on her way round she sees the bloke who had his wicked way with her the previous evening, after they had met in a pub. He was stacking washing powder boxes on the shelves.



"You lying toad" she yells" last night you told me you were a stunt pilot"

"No" he says "I told you I was a member of the Ariel display team"