A few more laughs ....

[colsy]

Wisdom from a Jewish Man

A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time.

So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site. She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview.

"Pardon me, sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. What's your name?"

"Morris Feinberg," he replied.

"Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?"

"For about 60 years."

"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"

"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews, and the Muslims."

"I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop."

"I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults and to love their fellow man."

"I pray that politicians tell us the truth and put the interests of the people ahead of their own interests."

And finally "I pray that everyone will be happy".

"How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"

"Like I'm talking to a ****ing Brick wall

 

[colsy]

Tolio and Kneesles

A young couple left the church and arrived at the hotel where they were spending the first night of their honeymoon.
They opened the champagne and began undressing. When the bridegroom removed his socks, his new wife asked, "What's wrong with your feet?









Your toes look all mangled and weird.”

"I had tolio as a child," he answered.

"You mean polio?" she asked.

"No, tolio. The disease only affected my toes."

When the groom took off his pants, his bride once again asked "What's wrong with your knees? They're all lumpy and deformed!"

"As a child, I also had kneasles," he explained.

"You mean measles?" she asked.

"No, kneasles. It was a strange illness that only affected my knees."

The new bride had to be satisfied with this answer.

As the undressing continued, her husband at last removed his underwear.

"Don't tell me," she said.

"Let me guess...





Smallcox.....

 

[colsy]

There's this really bad young Jewish boy who has been kicked out of
almost every school he's been to. His parents having other recourse take
him to enroll him in a local Catholic school. After a few weeks pass the
parents are beyond delighted to see that their kid is suddenly the best
behaved kid they'd every seen. So that night during dinner, the dad
looks at his son and says, "Me and your mom have noticed you've been
behaving beyond expectations, we just have to know. what is it about the
Catholic school that's made you so good lately?"

"Well," the kid says, "After you and mom left the priest closed the door
and pointed to a crucifix hanging on the wall. He told me..."

'You see that up there? That's what we did to the last Jew that was bad.'

===========================

The victim of an awful automobile accident was pronounced dead on
arrival at the hospital, and the emergency nurse was ordered to prepare
the body for the undertaker. Removing his clothes, she discovered that
the young man had died with the most massive ERECTION she had ever seen.

Unable to take her eyes off it, she finally yielded to temptation, took
off her panties, straddled the stiff and proceeded to enjoy herself. She
was just getting down from the table when a second nurse came in and saw
her and promptly reprimanded her for her obscene behaviour.

"What's the harm?" shot back the first nurse. "I enjoyed it, and HE
surely didn't mind it. Besides, he can't complain and I can't get
pregnant. Why don't YOU give it a try too?" "Oh, I can't possibly," said
the second nurse, blushing. "First, he's dead and second, I've got my
period. Anyway, listen, the doctor wants you."

And so the first nurse left. The second nurse got to work, but soon
found herself terribly excited by this massive hard-on and finally
climbed on top of it.

Just as she was starting to cum, she was astonished to feel the man
climax too! Looking down and seeing his eyelids starting to flutter, she
exclaimed in shock, "I thought you were dead!" "Lady, I thought I was
too," said the man, "until you gave me that blood transfusion."
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
Four nuns are killed and arrive at the Gates of Heaven. They line up in
front of St Peter.

The first nun says "St Peter, I once saw a man's penis. May I still enter?"

St Peter replies "Wash your eyes in this font of holy water and proceed."

The second nun says "St Peter, I once touched a man's penis. May I still
enter?"

St Peter replies "Wash your hands in this font of holy water and proceed."

St Peter suddenly notices a scuffle between the last two nuns. The
fourth nun is trying to cut in front of the third nun. "What is going
on?" he asks the fourth nun.

"I'm trying to go first so I can wash my mouth out before she sticks her
arse in the font".
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
Why does an elephant have four feet?

Six inches isn't enough.
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
What's green and yellow and eats nuts?

Gonorrhea.
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
A man is sitting in a bar looking depressed when a woman approaches and
asks him what's wrong. He tells her sadly that his girlfriend just left
him and, after some pressuring, admits that it was because he was just
too kinky for her.

"What a coincidence!" exclamimed the woman. "My boyfriend just left me
for the same reason."

The two hit it off and, after a few drinks, decided to go back to her
place as it was nearest. The woman left the man alone in the living room
and disappeared into the bedroom. After ten minutes she reappeared
dressed in full leather and chains, with whip and ballgag in hand only
to see the man about to leave.

"Where are you going?" she asked. "I thought you were kinky."

"I am," he replied. "I ****ed your cat and just took a **** in your
purse. I'm off home now."

=======================

 

[colsy]

Do you wanna ride ?

One day a 12-year old boy was walking down the street when a car pulled up
beside him and the window was wound down.

"I'll give you a bag of lollies if you get in the car", said the male
driver.

"No way, get stuffed", replied the boy.

How about a bag of lollies and £10?" asked the driver?

"No way", replied the irritated youngster..

"What about a bag of lollies and FIFTY quid, he"? quizzed the driver, still
rolling slowly to keep up with the walking boy.

"No, I'm not getting in the ******* car!" answered the boy.

"OK, I know what you want - I'll give you £100 and a bag of lollies", the
driver offered.

"NO," screamed the boy.

"What will it take to get you into the car"? asked the driver with a long
sigh.
^

^

^

^

^

^

^

^

^

^

^

^

^

^

^

^

^

^

^

^

^

^

^

^

^


The boy replied: "Listen Dad, you bought the Skoda - you live with it!!"

 

[colsy]

Sex after Surgery !

A recent article in the Wellington newspaper the Dominion Post, reported that a woman, Anne Maynard, has sued Wellington Hospital, saying that after her husband had surgery there he lost all interest in sex.

A hospital spokesman replied:
"Mr. Maynard was admitted for cataract surgery. All we did was correct his eyesight."

 

[colsy]

A very attractive young lady was sitting in a fine restaurant one night.
Waiting for her date as she was, she wanted to make sure everything was perfect.
So, as she bends down in her chair to get the mirror from her purse, she accidentally farts quite loudly just as the waiter walks up.
Sitting up straight now, embarrassed and red faced, knowing everyone in the place heard her, turns to the waiter and demands “Stop That!”
The waiter looks at her dryly and says “Sure lady, which way was it headed?”

 

[colsy]

Woman goes to the Doctors and says "I'm getting too much discharge".
Irish Doctor says "Pop your knickers off and slip onto the bed". He puts
on his Latex gloves and applies 3 fingers into her vagina. "How does
that feel?" he asks. "****ing lovely" she replies "But the discharge is
in my ear!"
--
What do you get when you inject human DNA into a goat? Banned from the
petting zoo.
--
There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon
entering the confessional, she said "Forgive me, Father, for I have
sinned". The priest said "Confess your sins and be forgiven". The young
woman said "Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven
times". The priest thought long and hard and then said "Squeeze seven
lemons into a glass and then drink the juice". The young woman asked
"Will this cleanse me of my sins?" The priest said "No, but it will wipe
that smile off of your face".

============================

A salesman drove into a small town where a circus was in progress. A
sign read: "Don't miss Bruce The Amazing Scotsman". The salesman bought
a ticket and sat down.

There, on centre stage, was a table with three walnuts on it. Standing
next to it was an old Scotsman. Suddenly the old man lifted his kilt,
whipped out a huge willy and smashed all three walnuts with three mighty
swings! The crowd erupted in applause as the elderly Scot was carried
off on the shoulders of the crowd.

Ten years later the salesman visited the same little town and saw a
faded poster for the same circus and the same sign: "Don"t miss Bruce
The Amazing Scotsman". He couldn't believe the old guy was still alive,
much less still doing his act!

He bought a ticket. Again, the centre ring was illuminated. This time,
however, instead of walnuts, three coconuts were placed on the table.
The Scotsman stood before them, then suddenly lifted his kilt and
shattered the coconuts with three swings of his amazing member. The
crowd went wild!

Flabbergasted, the salesman requested a meeting with him after the show.

"You're incredible!" he told the Scotsman. "But I have to know
something. You're older now, why switch from walnuts to coconuts?" "Well
laddie" said the Scot "Ma eyes are nae whit they used tae be".

============================

Mrs Murphy and Mrs Cohen had been long-time close friends. But, being
old-fashioned, each went to a retirement home of her own respective
religion.

It was not long before Mrs Murphy felt lonesome for Mrs Cohen, so one
day she asked to be driven to the Jewish Home to visit her old friend.
When she arrived she was greeted with open arms, hugs, and kisses.

Mrs Murphy said "Don't be holdin' back, Mrs Cohen, how do you like it
here?" Mrs Cohen went on and on about the wonderful food, the facility
and the caretakers.

Then, with a twinkle in her eye, she said "But the best thing is that I
now have a boyfriend". Mrs Murphy said "Now isn't that wonderful! Tell
me all about it". Mrs Cohen said "After lunch, we go up to my room and
sit on the edge of the bed. I let him touch me on the top, and then on
the bottom, and then we sing Jewish songs". Mrs Murphy said "For sure
it's a blessing. I'm so glad for you, Mrs Cohen".

Mrs Cohen said "And how is it with you, Mrs Murphy?" Mrs Murphy said it
was also wonderful at her new facility, and that she also had a
boyfriend. Mrs Cohen said "Good for you! So what do you do?" Mrs Murphy
said "We also go up to my room after lunch and sit on the edge of the
bed. I let him touch me on top, and then I let him touch me down below".
Mrs Cohen said "Yes? And then...?" Mrs Murphy said "Well, since we don't
know any Jewish songs, we ****".

==============================

Bryan walks into the pub and sees his friend Darryl slumped over the bar.

He walks over and asks Darryl what's wrong.

"Well," replies Darryl , "you know that beautiful girl at work that I
wanted to ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her?"

"Yes," replies Bryan with a laugh.

"Well," says Darryl , straightening up, "I finally plucked up the
courage to ask her out, and she agreed."

"That's great!" says Bryan , "When are you going out?"

"I went to meet her this evening," continues Darryl, "but I was worried
I'd get an erection again. So I got some duct tape and taped my penis to
my leg, so if I did, it wouldn't show."

"Sensible" says Bryan .

"So I get to her door," says Darryl , "and I rang her doorbell. She
answered it in the sheerest, tiniest dress you ever saw."

"And what happened then?"

( Darryl slumps back over the bar again.)

"I kicked her in the face."

 

[colsy]

He's my Brother

Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter. The man at the counter asked the

older boy, "Son, how old are you?" "Eight," the boy replied.

The man continued, "do you know what these are used for?"

The boy replied, "not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these you would be able to

swim and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do either."

 

[colsy]

A woman is at home alone when she hears someone knock at the door.

When she opens the door there's a man standing there.
He asks her, 'Do you have a vagina?'
She slams the door in disgust.


The next morning she hears a knock at the door and it is the same man and he
asks the same question of the Woman, 'Do you have a vagina?'
She slams the door again.


Later that night when her husband gets home she tells him what has happened
for the last two days.
The husband tells the wife in a loving and concerned voice,
'Honey, I am taking tomorrow off to be home just in case this guy shows up again.'
The next morning they hear a knock and both run for the door.

The husband says to the wife in a whispered voice,
'Honey, I'm going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy
I want you to answer YES to the question because I want to see where
the ******* is going with it.'
She nods yes to her husband and opens the door.
Sure enough the same fellow is standing there and asks the same question;
'Do you have a vagina'?
'Yes, actually I have,' she says.
The man replies . . ..
'Good! Would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife's alone and
start using yours?'

 

[colsy]

Toilet Seat

My wife had been after me for several weeks to revarnish the wooden
seat on our toilet.




Finally, I got around to doing it while she was out. After finishing, I
left to take


care of another matter before she returned.






She came in and undressed to take a shower. Before getting in the
shower, she sat on the toilet.




As she tried to stand up, she realized that the not-quite-dry epoxy
paint had glued her to the toilet seat.



About that time, I got home and realized her predicament.




We both pushed and pulled without any success whatsoever.



Finally, in desperation, I undid the toilet seat bolts.
The wife wrapped a sheet around herself and I drove her to the hospital
emergency room.
The ER Doctor got her into a position where he could study how to free
her


(Try to get a mental picture of this.)



The wife tried to lighten the embarrassment of it all by saying, "


Well, Doctor, I'll bet you've never seen anything like this before."




The Doctor replied, "Actually, I've seen lots of them......
I just never saw one mounted and framed."

 

[colsy]

Police in London have found a bomb outside a mosque...

They've told the public not to panic as they've managed to move it back inside.







During last night's high winds an African family were killed by a falling tree.

A spokesman for the Birmingham City council said "We didn't even know they were living up there".







Jamaican minorities in the UK have complained that there are not enough television shows with minorities in mind, so Crime Watch is being shown 5 times a week now.







I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that had his pocket picked.

How could anyone stoop so low?

 

[colsy]

Tequila

A man walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter, and sees that it's filled to the brim with $10 bills. He guesses there must be at least ten thousand dollars in it. He approaches the bartender and asks, "What's with the money in the jar?"
"Well..., you pay $10, and if you pass three tests, you get all the money in the jar and the keys to a brand new Lexus"
The man certainly isn't going to pass this up, so he asks, "What are the three tests?"
"You gotta pay first," says the bartender, "those are the rules."
So, after thinking it over a while, the man gives the bartender $10 which he stuffs into the jar.
"Okay," says the bartender, "here's what you need to do:
First - You have to drink a whole quart of tequila, in 60 seconds or less, and you can't make a face while doing it."

"Second - There's a pit bull chained in
the back with a bad tooth. You have to remove that tooth with your bare hands."

"Third - There's a 90-year old lady upstairs who's never had sex. You
have to take care of that problem."



The man is stunned! "I know I paid my $10 -- but I'm not an idiot! I won't do it! You'd have to be nuts to drink a quart
of tequila and then do all those other things!"
"Your call," says the bartender, "but,
your money stays where it is."
As time goes on, the man has a few
more drinks and finally says, "Where's the damn tequila?!"
He grabs the bottle with both hands and drinks it as fast as he can. Tears stream down both cheeks -- but he doesn't make a face -- and he drinks it in 58 seconds!
Next, he staggers out the back door where he sees the pit bull chained to a pole. Soon, the people inside the bar hear loud growling, screaming, and sounds of a terrible fight -- then nothing but silence!
Just when they think that the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar. His clothes are ripped to shreds and he's bleeding from bites and gashes all over his body. He drunkenly says, "Now..., where's that old woman with the bad tooth?"

 

[colsy]

British Humour

Knock knock.

Who's there?

"Doorbell repair man"
-----------------------------



The teacher says, "OK class, I'd like you all to tell me what you need
at home.

"Susie says, "We need a computer"
Wendy says, "We need a car"
Johnny says, "We don't need anything Miss"
Teacher says, "Come on Johnny, everyone needs something?"
"No Miss, my sister came home with her new Paki boyfriend and my Dad said
'That's all we bloody need!'"
---------------------------------

Essex girl in bed with her boyfriend says, "How dare you call me a
slapper.
Get out of my bed right now and take your mates with you!"
------------------------------



Just seen a Dyslexic Yorkshireman wearing a cat flap!
--------------------------------



I said to the wife, "Get me a newspaper"
"Don't be silly," she said "You can borrow my iPad"
That spider never knew what bloody hit it.
-------------------------------------



The 200 Polish fans arrested after yesterday's game have been foundguilty






















of violent disorder and been deported back to England
---------------------------


A big row has broken out in the Irish Olympic Synchronised Diving Team
after Paddy accused Mick of copying him.
------------------------------

English Stiff Upper Lip

On a train from London to Manchester , an Australian was berating the
Englishman sitting across from him in the compartment.

"You English are too stuffy. You set yourselves apart too much. You
think your stiff upper lip makes you above the rest of us. Look at
me... I'm ME! I have Italian blood, Greek blood, a little Irish
blood, and some Aborigine blood. What do you say to that ?"

The Englishman replied, "Awfully sporting of your mother, old chap!"

 

[colsy]

Haircut

A loud mouth Texan sat on the barber's chair


"I'll have a shave and a shoe shine."



The barber began to lather his face while a woman with the most beautiful breasts he had ever seen, knelt down and began to shine his shoes.














The Texan said, "Honey, you and I should go spend the afternoon in a hotel room."



She replied, "Sorry, I'm married and I’d never be unfaithful to my husband."



The Texan said, "Tell him you're working overtime and I'll pay you the difference."


She said, "You tell him; you're closer!”

 

[colsy]

A sad Prayer

> In church a
lady was heard to say a prayer. It was so sweet and sincere that I just
had to share it with you:
>
> "Dear Lord,
>
> This has been a tough
two or three years. You have taken my favourite actor Patrick Swayze.
>

> My favorite pop singer, Michael Jackson.
>
> My favourite Blues
Singer, Amy Winehouse.
>
> My favourite actress, Elizabeth Taylor.
>

> My favourite football manager, Bobby Robson.
>
> My favourite
golfer, Seve Ballesteros,
>
> My favourite singer, Whitney Houston and
now:
>
> My favourite actor, Robin Williams.
>
> I just wanted you to
know that my favourite politicians are: Alec Salmond, Tony Blair, John
Prescott, Ed Balls, Gordon Brown, Harriet Harman, Nick Clegg and Ed
Miliband"
> (in no particular order)
>
> Amen

 

[colsy]

Dads Will

A man was telling his mate...

You won't believe what happened last night...my daughter walked into the living room and said;

Dad, cancel my allowance immediately, forget my uni expenses, rent my room out, throw all my clothes out the window, take my TV, laptop & iPad.

Please take any of my jewellery to the Salvos or Cash Converters.

Then sell my car, take my front door key away from me and throw me out of the house.

Then disown me and never talk to me again and don't forget to write me out of your will and leave my share to any charity you choose.

"****!" replied the friend. "She actually said all that?"

"Well, she didn't use those exact words. Actually she said...

"Dad, meet my new boyfriend - Mohammed".

 

[colsy]

Sunday morning Funnies

What do you call a guy with a **** in the middle of his face?

**** Knows.
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
For a cheap laugh at your wife's expense... try slipping a party popper into her tampon box.
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
The girlfriend's just had her teeth whitened.

Although, to be honest, most of it landed on her chin.
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
two terrorist women, in long arabic dress, one turns to the other "does my bomb look big in this?"

,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
How do you get a granny to shout "Cvnt!"?
Get another one to shout "Bingo".
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
What did the cannibal do after dumping his girlfriend?
He wiped his arse.
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
I still remember play time at school, a bit of footy, sneaking a quick cigarette and trying to finger girls behind the bike sheds... I ****ing loved that caretaker's job.
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
While buying a Xmas tree, the assistant asked me "Will you be putting that up yourself?"
I replied: "No you sick ****, I'll be putting it up in my living room"
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
Q: What's the difference between acne and a priest?
A: Acne usually comes on a boy's face AFTER he turns 13.
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
Two nuns go on a shopping trip to France, to load up with duty free.
On the way back they are just going to drive through 'Nothing to declare' but a customs officer waves them in to the side.
The first nun says to the mother superior who is driving, "Don't worry mother, just show them your cross."
So she winds the window down, leans out and shouts, "**** off!"
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
The confession line was very long and the priest needed to use the bathroom badly.
He called in one of the alter boys and asked him to fill-in for a minute.
The priest gave him a list of sins & penance. Just match them up.
The first women confessed to giving the neighbor a blowjob and anal sex.
These weren't on the list, so the alter boy asked another alter boy,
"What does the father give for anal sex and a blowjob?"
"He usually gives me a bag of chips and a soda."
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
A plane flying over the North Sea is in trouble and likely to ditch.
There are six passengers on board, a Doctor, a Lawyer, a Priest, and three children. But there are only three life jackets.
The Doctor says, "Save the children!!," waving the life jackets.
Making a grab for the jackets, the Lawyer shouts, "**** the children!!" and the Priest enquires, "Is there time...?"
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
I don't get these Ethiopians and Kenyans. No problem with running 26 mile Marathons, but when it comes to walking 5 miles to get some water, winge winge ****ing winge.
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
You know what the difference between a washing machine and your girlfriend is? You don't have to cuddle a washing machine after you drop a load in it.
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
My wife walked out on me after I blew our life savings on a penis extension.

She said she just couldn't take it any longer.
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
A guy is walking past a bus stop and says to a woman "Can I smell your cvnt?"
"**** off, no you can't smell my cvnt!" the woman yells back at him.
"Oh" he replies, looking slightly confused, "it must be your feet then".
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

Which Do You Prefer?

The other day I was asked "Do you prefer legs or breasts?"

I answered, "Neither really. I'm more of a shaved f@nny man."

To which I got the reply, "Sorry sir, that's not an option at KFC."

I was barred

==================

A soldier ran up to a nun. Out of breath he asked, "Please, may I hide under your habit? I'll explain later."

The nun agreed. A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked,

"Sister, have you seen a soldier?"

The nun replied, "He went that way."

After the MP's ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her habit and said, "I can't thank you enough Sister. You see, I don't want to go to Iraq."

The nun said, "I understand completely."

The soldier added, "I hope I'm not rude, but you have a hairy pair of legs!"

The nun replied, "If you'd looked a little higher, you'd have seen a great pair of balls... I don't want to go to Iraq either."

==================

A student of criminal psychology decides to do his thesis on people who sexual abuse animals, and in particular, men who shag sheep.

He takes a flight to australia, and meets a sheep farmer and amongst other things asks him how he actually has sex with the sheep

"Well its quite simple cobber - you grab the ******* by the tail, hold tight and slip your **** in"

The student later travels to New Zealand and asks a farmer there the same question

"Ah we're with the Aussie jokers on that one - grab it by the tail, hold on and **** it from behind"

Finally, the student goes to Wales and asks a farmer there how he does it

"Well it's bloody awkward see - first you find your sheep, then you finds a stone wall, then you grabs the sheep by the front paws, bend its back over the wall and ****s it like that"

The Student replies "Why don't you **** it from behind like they do in australia and New Zealand?"

"**** it from behind? Well how else am I supposed to kiss it?"

======================

An Arab had spent many days crossing the desert without finding a source of water.
It got so bad that even his camel died of thirst.

He crawled through the sands, certain that he was breathing his last breath, when suddenly, he saw a shiny object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him.

He crawled to the object, pulled it out of the sand, and discovered that he had a Manischewitz wine bottle.

It appeared that there may be a drop or two left in the bottle, so he unscrewed the top, and out popped a genie.


BUT this was no ordinary Genie. This genie appeared to be a Chasidic Rabbi, complete with black alpaca coat, black hat, side curls, and tzitzis.


'Vell kid,' said the genie, 'you know how it voiks. You got tree vishes.'

'I'm not going to trust you,' says the Arab. 'I'm not going to trust a Jewish genie!'

'Vott you got to lose? Looks ta me - you're a goner anyvay!'

The Arab thought about this for a minute, and decided that the genie
was right. 'Okay, I wish I were in a lush oasis, with plentiful food and drink.'

* * * * * * * P O O F! * * * * * * * * *
The Arab found himself in the most beautiful oasis he had ever seen and he was surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.

'Okee-dokee kiddo, vat's your second vish?'

'My second wish is that I were rich beyond my wildest dreams.'

* * * * * * * P O O F !!* * * * * * * * *

The Arab found himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with
rare old coins and precious gems.

'Okay kid, you got just vone more vish. Best you should make it a good vone!'

After thinking for a few minutes, the Arab says, 'I wish that no matter where I go, beautiful women will always need and want me!'

* * * * * * * P O O F!!! * * * * * * * * *

He was turned into a tampon.

THE MORAL OF THE STORY:

If you're an Arab doing business with a Jewish genie, there's going to be a string attached.

====================

 

[colsy]

It pays to know German

An Amish Farmer walking through his field notices a man

drinking from his pond with his hand.

The Amish Farmer shouts: "Trinken Sie nicht das Wasser,

die Khe und die Schweine haben hineingeschissen!"

Which means: "Don't drink the water, the cows and pigs have **** in it!"

The man shouts back: "I'm a Muslim, I don't understand your gibberish.

Speak English, Infidel!"

The Amish Farmer shouts back in English: "Use two hands, you'll get more!"

 

[colsy]

Aussie Helpline


"G'day mate, Aussie Helpline...What's the problem cobber?"

"I'm in Darwin with my sheila and she's been stung on the minge by a wasp, and now her ***** has completely closed up."

"Bummer mate!"

" Thanks mate, I hadn't thought of that. Bye."

 

[colsy]

Cheap Flights

>> My wife asked me what I was doing on the computer last night
>>
>>
>>
>> I explained to her I was looking for cheap flights.
>>
>>
>>
>> "I love you!" she said, and then she got all excited, quickly
>> undressed and we had the most amazing sex ever......
>>
>>
>>
>>
>> Which is odd because she's never shown an interest in darts
>> before.