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A few more laughs ....
- Thread starter colsy
- Start date
I’ve just been for a job interview and was asked “describe yourself in three words “
I replied “violent when disappointed
I start tomorrow...
I replied “violent when disappointed
I start tomorrow...
A fighter pilot walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman.
He gives her a quick glance then casually looks at his watch for a moment.
The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"
No," he replies, "I just got this state-of-the-art watch, and I was
just testing it."
The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special
about it?"
The pilot says, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."
The lady says, "What's it telling you now?" Well, it says you're not
wearing any panties."
The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I am
wearing panties!"
The fighter pilot smirks, taps his watch and says, "Damn thing's an
hour fast."
He gives her a quick glance then casually looks at his watch for a moment.
The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"
No," he replies, "I just got this state-of-the-art watch, and I was
just testing it."
The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special
about it?"
The pilot says, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."
The lady says, "What's it telling you now?" Well, it says you're not
wearing any panties."
The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I am
wearing panties!"
The fighter pilot smirks, taps his watch and says, "Damn thing's an
hour fast."
A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job. The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"
He replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee."
"OK, have you ever been in the military service?"
"Yes," he says, "I was in Iraq for one tour."
The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward employment." Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"
The guy says, "Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles.
The interviewer grimaces and then says, "Okay. You've got enough points for me to hire you right now."
"Our normal hours are from 8 am to 4 pm. You can start tomorrow at 10 am and plan on starting at 10 am every day."
The guy is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8 am to 4 pm, why don't you want me here until 10 am?"
"This is a government job," the interviewer says. "For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls.
No point in your coming in for that."
He replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee."
"OK, have you ever been in the military service?"
"Yes," he says, "I was in Iraq for one tour."
The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward employment." Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"
The guy says, "Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles.
The interviewer grimaces and then says, "Okay. You've got enough points for me to hire you right now."
"Our normal hours are from 8 am to 4 pm. You can start tomorrow at 10 am and plan on starting at 10 am every day."
The guy is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8 am to 4 pm, why don't you want me here until 10 am?"
"This is a government job," the interviewer says. "For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls.
No point in your coming in for that."
A blonde is overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet.
“I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat the procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you’ll have lost at least five pounds.”
When the blonde returns, she’s lost nearly 20 pounds.
“Wow, that’s amazing!” the doctor says.
“Did you follow my instructions?”
The blonde nods…
“I’ll tell you, though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day."
“From hunger, you mean?” said the doctor.
“No, from skipping,” replied the blonde.
“I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat the procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you’ll have lost at least five pounds.”
When the blonde returns, she’s lost nearly 20 pounds.
“Wow, that’s amazing!” the doctor says.
“Did you follow my instructions?”
The blonde nods…
“I’ll tell you, though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day."
“From hunger, you mean?” said the doctor.
“No, from skipping,” replied the blonde.
The Grumpy Pharmacist
Arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his upset wife.
Tearfully she said, "The chemist insulted me this morning on the
phone. I had to call time and time again before he would even answer it.."
Straight away, the husband drove to town to confront the
pharmacist and demand an apology.
Before he could say more than a word or two, the chemist told
him, "Just a minute, listen to my side of it. This morning the alarm
didn’t go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and
hurried out to the car, only to realise that I'd locked the house with
both house and car keys inside and I had to break a window to get my
keys."
"Then, driving too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Later, when I
was about three streets from the store, I had a flat tyre."
"When I finally got to the store a crowd of people were waiting
for me to open. I got the store opened and started serving these
people, and all the time the darn phone was ringing."
"Then I had to break a roll of coins against the cash register
drawer to get change, and they went all over the floor. I had to get
on my hands and knees to pick up the coins and the phone was still
ringing. When got up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which
made me stagger back against a showcase displaying perfume bottles.
Half of them hit the floor and broke."
"Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I
finally got back to answer it. It was your wife. She wanted to know
how to use a rectal thermometer."
"Believe me mate, as God is my witness, all I did was tell her."
Arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his upset wife.
Tearfully she said, "The chemist insulted me this morning on the
phone. I had to call time and time again before he would even answer it.."
Straight away, the husband drove to town to confront the
pharmacist and demand an apology.
Before he could say more than a word or two, the chemist told
him, "Just a minute, listen to my side of it. This morning the alarm
didn’t go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and
hurried out to the car, only to realise that I'd locked the house with
both house and car keys inside and I had to break a window to get my
keys."
"Then, driving too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Later, when I
was about three streets from the store, I had a flat tyre."
"When I finally got to the store a crowd of people were waiting
for me to open. I got the store opened and started serving these
people, and all the time the darn phone was ringing."
"Then I had to break a roll of coins against the cash register
drawer to get change, and they went all over the floor. I had to get
on my hands and knees to pick up the coins and the phone was still
ringing. When got up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which
made me stagger back against a showcase displaying perfume bottles.
Half of them hit the floor and broke."
"Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I
finally got back to answer it. It was your wife. She wanted to know
how to use a rectal thermometer."
"Believe me mate, as God is my witness, all I did was tell her."
The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment:
Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories.
There were all the regular types of stuff: spilled milk and pennies saved.
But then the teacher realized, much to her dismay, that she had missed Janie. “Janie, do you have a story to share?
''Yes ma'am. My Daddy told me a story about my Mummy.
She was a Marine pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit.
She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife.
She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break, and then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 Iraqi troops.
She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands.
''Good Heavens," said the horrified teacher. 'What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story?
"Stay away from Mummy when she's been drinking."
Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories.
There were all the regular types of stuff: spilled milk and pennies saved.
But then the teacher realized, much to her dismay, that she had missed Janie. “Janie, do you have a story to share?
''Yes ma'am. My Daddy told me a story about my Mummy.
She was a Marine pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit.
She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife.
She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break, and then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 Iraqi troops.
She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands.
''Good Heavens," said the horrified teacher. 'What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story?
"Stay away from Mummy when she's been drinking."
I almost talked my way out of a ticket today by telling a female cop she was very attractive, but things went sour when I said "and that's not just the sambucca talking either".
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