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HOW DO COURT RECORDERS KEEP STRAIGHT FACES????
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
_______________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral...
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________
And last:
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
_______________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral...
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________
And last:
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
This bloke with Tourette's Syndrome walks into the most exclusive
restaurant in town.
'Where's the pissing, mother f*cking manager, you c*ck sucking arsewipe?'
he inquires of one of the waiters.
The waiter is taken-aback and replies, 'Excuse me sir but could you please
refrain from using that sort of language in here. I will get the manager
as soon as I can'.
The manager comes over and the bloke asks, 'Are you the f*cking
manager of this b*stard place?'
'Yes sir, I am,' replies the manager, 'but I would prefer it if you would
refrain from speaking such profanities in this, a private restaurant'.
'F*ck off' replies the bloke 'and where's the f*cking piano?' 'Pardon?'
says the manager.
'F*cking deaf as well, are we? You snivelling little piece of ****, show
me your c*nting piano.'
'Ah,' replies the manager, 'you've come about the pianist job' and he
shows the bloke to the piano. 'Can you play any blues?'
'Of course I f*cking can,' and the bloke proceeds to play the most
inspiring and beautiful sounding honky-tonk blues that the manager has
ever heard.
'That's superb. What's it called?'
'I Tried To Shag Yer Missus On The Sofa But The Springs Kept Hurting My
****,' replies the bloke.
The manager is a bit disturbed and asks if the bloke knows any jazz. The
bloke proceeds, playing the most melancholy jazz solo the manager has ever
heard.
'Magnificent,' cries the manager. 'What's it called?'
'I Wanted A Wank Over The Washing Machine But I Got My Balls
Caught In The Soap Drawer'.
The manager is a tad embarrassed and asks if he knows any
romantic ballads. The bloke then plays the most heartbreaking melody the
manager has ever heard, 'And what's this called?' asks the manager.
'As I F*ck You Under The Stars With The Moonlight Shining Off Your Hairy
Ring-Piece,' replies the bloke.
The manager is highly upset by the bloke's language but offers him the job
on condition that he doesn't introduce any of his songs or talk to any of
the customers.
This arrangement works well for a couple of months until one night,
sitting opposite him, is the most gorgeous blonde he has ever laid his
eyes on.
She's wearing an almost see through dress, her breasts are almost falling
out the top of her black lace bra, and the skimpy little 'G' string she's
wearing is doing very little to conceal her ample charms. She's sitting
there with her legs slightly open, sucking suggestively on asparagus
shoots as the butter is dripping down her chin.
The image is too much for the bloke and he scurries off to the Gents to
masturbate. He's tugging away furiously when he hears the manager's voice.
'Where's that b*stard pianist?'
He just has time to relieve himself, and in a fluster he runs back to the
piano having not bothered to adjust himself properly, sits down and starts
playing some more tunes. The blonde steps up and walks over to the piano,
leans over and
whispers in his ear,
'Do you know your knob and bollocks are hanging out your trousers and
dripping spunk on your shoes?'
'Know it?' the bloke replies 'I f*cking wrote it.'
restaurant in town.
'Where's the pissing, mother f*cking manager, you c*ck sucking arsewipe?'
he inquires of one of the waiters.
The waiter is taken-aback and replies, 'Excuse me sir but could you please
refrain from using that sort of language in here. I will get the manager
as soon as I can'.
The manager comes over and the bloke asks, 'Are you the f*cking
manager of this b*stard place?'
'Yes sir, I am,' replies the manager, 'but I would prefer it if you would
refrain from speaking such profanities in this, a private restaurant'.
'F*ck off' replies the bloke 'and where's the f*cking piano?' 'Pardon?'
says the manager.
'F*cking deaf as well, are we? You snivelling little piece of ****, show
me your c*nting piano.'
'Ah,' replies the manager, 'you've come about the pianist job' and he
shows the bloke to the piano. 'Can you play any blues?'
'Of course I f*cking can,' and the bloke proceeds to play the most
inspiring and beautiful sounding honky-tonk blues that the manager has
ever heard.
'That's superb. What's it called?'
'I Tried To Shag Yer Missus On The Sofa But The Springs Kept Hurting My
****,' replies the bloke.
The manager is a bit disturbed and asks if the bloke knows any jazz. The
bloke proceeds, playing the most melancholy jazz solo the manager has ever
heard.
'Magnificent,' cries the manager. 'What's it called?'
'I Wanted A Wank Over The Washing Machine But I Got My Balls
Caught In The Soap Drawer'.
The manager is a tad embarrassed and asks if he knows any
romantic ballads. The bloke then plays the most heartbreaking melody the
manager has ever heard, 'And what's this called?' asks the manager.
'As I F*ck You Under The Stars With The Moonlight Shining Off Your Hairy
Ring-Piece,' replies the bloke.
The manager is highly upset by the bloke's language but offers him the job
on condition that he doesn't introduce any of his songs or talk to any of
the customers.
This arrangement works well for a couple of months until one night,
sitting opposite him, is the most gorgeous blonde he has ever laid his
eyes on.
She's wearing an almost see through dress, her breasts are almost falling
out the top of her black lace bra, and the skimpy little 'G' string she's
wearing is doing very little to conceal her ample charms. She's sitting
there with her legs slightly open, sucking suggestively on asparagus
shoots as the butter is dripping down her chin.
The image is too much for the bloke and he scurries off to the Gents to
masturbate. He's tugging away furiously when he hears the manager's voice.
'Where's that b*stard pianist?'
He just has time to relieve himself, and in a fluster he runs back to the
piano having not bothered to adjust himself properly, sits down and starts
playing some more tunes. The blonde steps up and walks over to the piano,
leans over and
whispers in his ear,
'Do you know your knob and bollocks are hanging out your trousers and
dripping spunk on your shoes?'
'Know it?' the bloke replies 'I f*cking wrote it.'
An elderly couple toddled into the local McDonalds and
ordered one combo meal. The wife carefully cut the sandwich
in two and began to eat her half. The husband respectfully
sat and watched.
The eating did not progress quickly, and soon the other
customers bagan to notice. Finally one helpful person
offered to buy the couple another meal. The offer was
rejected with the explanation, "We share everything."
Eventually another could stand it no longer and made the
same offer. Same rejection: "No thank you, we share
everything."
After this had gone on for what seemed to be quite a while,
one bystander could no longer stand it and quizzed the man,
"Then why aren't you eating? What are you waiting for?"
The reply: "The teeth."
=====================================
Once upon a time, in a land far away, a beautiful,
independent, self-assured princess happened upon a frog as
she sat contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an
unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle.
The frog hopped into the princess' lap and said, "Elegant
lady, I was once a handsome prince until an evil witch cast
a spell upon me. One kiss from you, however, and I will turn
back into the dapper, young Prince that I am, and then my
sweet, we can marry and setup housekeeping in yon castle
with my mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean my
clothes, bear my children, and forever feel grateful and
happy doing so."
That night, on a meal of lightly sauteed frogs legs seasoned
in a white wine and onion cream sauce, she chuckled to
herself and thought, "I don't think so!"
========================================
After being nearly snowbound for two weeks last winter, a
Seattle man departed for his vacation to Miami Beach, where
he was to meet his wife the next day at the conclusion of
her business trip. They were looking forward to pleasant
weather and a nice time together.
Unfortunately, there was some sort of mix up at the boarding
gate, and the man was told he would have to wait for a later
flight. He tried to appeal to a supervisor but was told the
airline was not responsible for the problem and it would do
no good to complain.
Upon arrival at the hotel the next day, he discovered that
Miami Beach was having a heat wave, and its weather was
almost as uncomfortably hot as Seattle's was cold.
The desk clerk gave him a message that his wife would arrive
as planned. He could hardly wait to get to the pool area to
cool off, and quickly sent his wife an e-mail via his
palmtop PC, but due to his haste, he made an error in the
address.
His message therefore arrived at the home of an elderly
preacher's wife whose even older husband had died only the
day before.
When the grieving widow opened her e-mail, she took one look
at the monitor, let out an anguished scream, and fell to the
floor passed out. Her family rushed to her room where they
saw this message on the screen:
Honey, departed yesterday as you know.
Just now got checked in.
Some confusion at the gate.
Appeal was denied.
Received confirmation of your arrival tomorrow.
Your loving husband.
P.S. Things are not as we thought. You're going to be
surprised at how hot it is down here.
============================================
An old man lived alone in Ireland. He wanted to spade his
potato garden, but it was very hard work. His only son, who
would have helped him, was in Long Kesh Prison. The old man
wrote a letter to his son and mentioned his predicament.
Shortly, he received this reply, "For HEAVEN'S SAKE Dad,
don't dig up that garden, that's where I buried the GUNS!"
At 4 A.M. the next morning, a dozen British soldiers showed
up and dug up the entire garden, without finding any guns.
Confused, the old man wrote another note to his son telling
him what happened, and asking him what to do next. His son's
reply was: "Now plant your potatoes, Dad; It's the best I
could do at this time."
ordered one combo meal. The wife carefully cut the sandwich
in two and began to eat her half. The husband respectfully
sat and watched.
The eating did not progress quickly, and soon the other
customers bagan to notice. Finally one helpful person
offered to buy the couple another meal. The offer was
rejected with the explanation, "We share everything."
Eventually another could stand it no longer and made the
same offer. Same rejection: "No thank you, we share
everything."
After this had gone on for what seemed to be quite a while,
one bystander could no longer stand it and quizzed the man,
"Then why aren't you eating? What are you waiting for?"
The reply: "The teeth."
=====================================
Once upon a time, in a land far away, a beautiful,
independent, self-assured princess happened upon a frog as
she sat contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an
unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle.
The frog hopped into the princess' lap and said, "Elegant
lady, I was once a handsome prince until an evil witch cast
a spell upon me. One kiss from you, however, and I will turn
back into the dapper, young Prince that I am, and then my
sweet, we can marry and setup housekeeping in yon castle
with my mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean my
clothes, bear my children, and forever feel grateful and
happy doing so."
That night, on a meal of lightly sauteed frogs legs seasoned
in a white wine and onion cream sauce, she chuckled to
herself and thought, "I don't think so!"
========================================
After being nearly snowbound for two weeks last winter, a
Seattle man departed for his vacation to Miami Beach, where
he was to meet his wife the next day at the conclusion of
her business trip. They were looking forward to pleasant
weather and a nice time together.
Unfortunately, there was some sort of mix up at the boarding
gate, and the man was told he would have to wait for a later
flight. He tried to appeal to a supervisor but was told the
airline was not responsible for the problem and it would do
no good to complain.
Upon arrival at the hotel the next day, he discovered that
Miami Beach was having a heat wave, and its weather was
almost as uncomfortably hot as Seattle's was cold.
The desk clerk gave him a message that his wife would arrive
as planned. He could hardly wait to get to the pool area to
cool off, and quickly sent his wife an e-mail via his
palmtop PC, but due to his haste, he made an error in the
address.
His message therefore arrived at the home of an elderly
preacher's wife whose even older husband had died only the
day before.
When the grieving widow opened her e-mail, she took one look
at the monitor, let out an anguished scream, and fell to the
floor passed out. Her family rushed to her room where they
saw this message on the screen:
Honey, departed yesterday as you know.
Just now got checked in.
Some confusion at the gate.
Appeal was denied.
Received confirmation of your arrival tomorrow.
Your loving husband.
P.S. Things are not as we thought. You're going to be
surprised at how hot it is down here.
============================================
An old man lived alone in Ireland. He wanted to spade his
potato garden, but it was very hard work. His only son, who
would have helped him, was in Long Kesh Prison. The old man
wrote a letter to his son and mentioned his predicament.
Shortly, he received this reply, "For HEAVEN'S SAKE Dad,
don't dig up that garden, that's where I buried the GUNS!"
At 4 A.M. the next morning, a dozen British soldiers showed
up and dug up the entire garden, without finding any guns.
Confused, the old man wrote another note to his son telling
him what happened, and asking him what to do next. His son's
reply was: "Now plant your potatoes, Dad; It's the best I
could do at this time."
A farmer drove to a neighbours' farmhouse and knocked at the door. A boy, about 9, opened the door.
"Is your dad or your mum home?" said the farmer. "No, they went to town". "How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"
"No, he went with mum and dad". "The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other and mumbling to himself".
"I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one or I can give dad a message...?"
"Well" said the farmer uncomfortably "I really wanted to talk to your dad.
It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter Susie pregnant".
The boy thought for a moment... "You would have to talk to dad about that.
I know he charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the pig but I don't know how much he charges for Howard".
"Is your dad or your mum home?" said the farmer. "No, they went to town". "How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"
"No, he went with mum and dad". "The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other and mumbling to himself".
"I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one or I can give dad a message...?"
"Well" said the farmer uncomfortably "I really wanted to talk to your dad.
It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter Susie pregnant".
The boy thought for a moment... "You would have to talk to dad about that.
I know he charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the pig but I don't know how much he charges for Howard".
hope u likey
============
There is a beautiful deserted island in the middle of nowhere where the
following people are stranded:
* 2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman
* 2 French men and 1 French woman
* 2 German men and 1 German woman
* 2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman
* 2 English men and 1 English woman
* 2 Bulgarian men and 1 Bulgarian woman
* 2 Swedish men and 1 Swedish woman
* 2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman
One month later on this beautiful deserted island in the middle of nowhere.
. . .
*
One Italian man killed the other for the Italian woman.
*
The two French men and the French woman are living happily
together in a "menage a trois".
*
The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of when they
alternate with the German woman.
*
The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek
woman is cleaning and cooking for them.
*
The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to
the English woman.
*
The Bulgarian men took one look at the endless ocean, one look at
the woman and started swimming.
*
The two Swedish men are contemplating the virtues of suicide
while the woman keeps on bitching about her body being her own and the
true nature of feminism. But at least it's not snowing and the taxes are
low.
*
The Irish began by dividing their island Northside-Southside and
setting up a distillery. They don't remember if sex is in the picture,
cause it gets sort of foggy after the first few litres of
coconut-whiskey, but at least they know the English aren't getting any...
==================================================
'Hello, is this the Sheriff's Office?'
'Yes. What can I do for you?'
'I'm calling to report 'bout my neighbor Virgil Smith....He's hidin'
marijuana inside his firewood! Don't quite know how he gets it inside
them logs, but he's hidin' it there.'
'Thank you very much for the call, sir.'
The next day, the Sheriff's Deputies descend on Virgil's house. They
search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open
every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They sneer at Virgil and leave.
Shortly, the phone rings at Virgil's house.
'Hey, Virgil! This here's Floyd....Did the Sheriff come?'
'Yeah!'
'Did they chop your firewood?'
'Yep!'
'Happy Birthday, buddy!'
======================================================
An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him
and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess".
He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into
a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week."
The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned
it to the pocket.
The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a
princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want."
Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into
his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a
beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything
you want. Why won't you kiss me?"
The engineer said, "Look I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a
girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."
=======================================================
============
There is a beautiful deserted island in the middle of nowhere where the
following people are stranded:
* 2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman
* 2 French men and 1 French woman
* 2 German men and 1 German woman
* 2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman
* 2 English men and 1 English woman
* 2 Bulgarian men and 1 Bulgarian woman
* 2 Swedish men and 1 Swedish woman
* 2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman
One month later on this beautiful deserted island in the middle of nowhere.
. . .
*
One Italian man killed the other for the Italian woman.
*
The two French men and the French woman are living happily
together in a "menage a trois".
*
The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of when they
alternate with the German woman.
*
The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek
woman is cleaning and cooking for them.
*
The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to
the English woman.
*
The Bulgarian men took one look at the endless ocean, one look at
the woman and started swimming.
*
The two Swedish men are contemplating the virtues of suicide
while the woman keeps on bitching about her body being her own and the
true nature of feminism. But at least it's not snowing and the taxes are
low.
*
The Irish began by dividing their island Northside-Southside and
setting up a distillery. They don't remember if sex is in the picture,
cause it gets sort of foggy after the first few litres of
coconut-whiskey, but at least they know the English aren't getting any...
==================================================
'Hello, is this the Sheriff's Office?'
'Yes. What can I do for you?'
'I'm calling to report 'bout my neighbor Virgil Smith....He's hidin'
marijuana inside his firewood! Don't quite know how he gets it inside
them logs, but he's hidin' it there.'
'Thank you very much for the call, sir.'
The next day, the Sheriff's Deputies descend on Virgil's house. They
search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open
every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They sneer at Virgil and leave.
Shortly, the phone rings at Virgil's house.
'Hey, Virgil! This here's Floyd....Did the Sheriff come?'
'Yeah!'
'Did they chop your firewood?'
'Yep!'
'Happy Birthday, buddy!'
======================================================
An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him
and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess".
He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into
a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week."
The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned
it to the pocket.
The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a
princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want."
Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into
his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a
beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything
you want. Why won't you kiss me?"
The engineer said, "Look I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a
girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."
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My girlfriend only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time an egg
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My favourite sex position is "Just happy to be here "
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I went to a massage parlour. It was self-service.
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My favourite sex position is "Just happy to be here "
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I went to a massage parlour. It was self-service.
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