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A few more laughs ....
- Thread starter colsy
- Start date
The Mexican maid asked for a pay increase.
The wife was very upset about this, and decided to talk to her about the raise.
She asked: "Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?"
Maria: "Well, Senora, there are tree reasons why I wanna increaze."
"The first is that I iron better than you."
Wife: "Who said you iron better than me?"
Maria: "Jor huzban he say so."
Wife: "Oh yeah?"
Maria: "The second reason eez that I am a better cook than you."
Wife: "Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?"
Maria: "Jor hozban did."
Wife, increasingly agitated: "Oh he did, did he?"
Maria: "The third reason is that I am better at sex than you in the bed."
Wife, really boiling now and through gritted teeth.
Wife: "And did my husband say that as well?"
Maria: "No Senora.... the gardener did."
Wife: "So, how much do you think would be fair?"
The wife was very upset about this, and decided to talk to her about the raise.
She asked: "Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?"
Maria: "Well, Senora, there are tree reasons why I wanna increaze."
"The first is that I iron better than you."
Wife: "Who said you iron better than me?"
Maria: "Jor huzban he say so."
Wife: "Oh yeah?"
Maria: "The second reason eez that I am a better cook than you."
Wife: "Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?"
Maria: "Jor hozban did."
Wife, increasingly agitated: "Oh he did, did he?"
Maria: "The third reason is that I am better at sex than you in the bed."
Wife, really boiling now and through gritted teeth.
Wife: "And did my husband say that as well?"
Maria: "No Senora.... the gardener did."
Wife: "So, how much do you think would be fair?"
Husband’s call to his wife:
"Honey it's me. I don't want to alarm you but I was hit by a car as I was leaving the office. Paula brought me to the hospital. They have checked me over and done some tests and some x-rays. The blow to my head was severe. Fortunately it did not cause any serious internal injury. However I have three broken ribs, a compound fracture in the left leg, and they think they may have to amputate my right foot."
Wife’s Response:
"Who the f… is Paula?"
And if you find that hard to believe, you've never been married.
"Honey it's me. I don't want to alarm you but I was hit by a car as I was leaving the office. Paula brought me to the hospital. They have checked me over and done some tests and some x-rays. The blow to my head was severe. Fortunately it did not cause any serious internal injury. However I have three broken ribs, a compound fracture in the left leg, and they think they may have to amputate my right foot."
Wife’s Response:
"Who the f… is Paula?"
And if you find that hard to believe, you've never been married.
I can't believe how strong the winds were last night.
I nipped out to get the girlfriend some milk and got blown into the ******* pub
==
I was that pissed at the club last night, when I tried to walk across to get another drink, I accidently won the dance competition.
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I nipped out to get the girlfriend some milk and got blown into the ******* pub
==
I was that pissed at the club last night, when I tried to walk across to get another drink, I accidently won the dance competition.
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Haha I thought the wind blowing into the pub was my favourite but this one appeals to my childish nature lol
I drink tequila shots cause I like where I wake up to be a surprise
==
Deciding to turn off my wife's life support machine was the second hardest thing I've ever done.
The hardest was trying to distract the doctor.
==
I had a Pelican curry last night. It was great, but you should have seen the bill.
===
A young boy walked in on his single Mum one night and there she was , laying it bed rubbing her chest and moaning " I need a man !! I need a man ! I need a man!!"
He ran back to his room really confused .
The next night he sneaks in a Mum is in bed with the neighbour.
He runs out again, whips his shirt off , lays on the bed and starts rubbing his chest and moaning
" I need a bike!! I need a bike ! I need a bike !!"
==
==
Deciding to turn off my wife's life support machine was the second hardest thing I've ever done.
The hardest was trying to distract the doctor.
==
I had a Pelican curry last night. It was great, but you should have seen the bill.
===
A young boy walked in on his single Mum one night and there she was , laying it bed rubbing her chest and moaning " I need a man !! I need a man ! I need a man!!"
He ran back to his room really confused .
The next night he sneaks in a Mum is in bed with the neighbour.
He runs out again, whips his shirt off , lays on the bed and starts rubbing his chest and moaning
" I need a bike!! I need a bike ! I need a bike !!"
==
A blonde motorist was about two hours from the Gold Coast when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down.
The man walked up to the car and asked, 'Are you going to the Gold Coast?'
'Sure,' answered the blonde, 'do you need a lift?'
'Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My problem is, I've got two kangaroos in the back which have to be taken to the Dream World. They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them for me? I'll give you $100 for your trouble.'
'I'd be happy to,' said the blonde.
So the two kangaroos were ushered into the back seat of the blonde's car and carefully strapped into their seat belts. Off they went.
Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of Surfers Paradise when suddenly he was horrified!!
There was the blonde, walking down the street and holding hands with the two roos, much to the amusement of a big crowd.
With a screech of brakes, he pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde.
“What the heck are you doing here?" he demanded, 'I gave you $100 to take these kangaroos to Dreamworld.'
'Yes, I know you did,' said the blonde,' but we had money left over --- so now we're going to Sea World.”
The man walked up to the car and asked, 'Are you going to the Gold Coast?'
'Sure,' answered the blonde, 'do you need a lift?'
'Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My problem is, I've got two kangaroos in the back which have to be taken to the Dream World. They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them for me? I'll give you $100 for your trouble.'
'I'd be happy to,' said the blonde.
So the two kangaroos were ushered into the back seat of the blonde's car and carefully strapped into their seat belts. Off they went.
Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of Surfers Paradise when suddenly he was horrified!!
There was the blonde, walking down the street and holding hands with the two roos, much to the amusement of a big crowd.
With a screech of brakes, he pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde.
“What the heck are you doing here?" he demanded, 'I gave you $100 to take these kangaroos to Dreamworld.'
'Yes, I know you did,' said the blonde,' but we had money left over --- so now we're going to Sea World.”
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