I need everybody to wish me luck today!!
I have a meeting at the Bank later, and if all goes well I will be debt free!!
I am so excited I can barely put on my Balaclava!!
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Its the time of the year when some people will find it very difficult to cope!!
If you know of anyone who will be alone or eating alone this Xmas!!!
Please let me know ASAP!! As I need to borrow some chairs!!
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A child asked his father, "How were people born?" So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on." The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now." The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!" His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."
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The doctor says, “Larry, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?”
Larry replies, “God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so He’s fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! The light goes on. When I’m done, poof! The light goes off.”
“Wow, that’s incredible,” the doctor says.
A little later in the day, the doctor calls Larry’s wife.
“Bonnie,” he says, “Larry is doing fine! But I had to call you because I’m in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night, and poof, the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he’s done, poof, the light goes off?”
“Oh, no,” exclaims Bonnie. “He’s peeing in the refrigerator again!”
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A man walked into a sports bar with an Ohio State sweatshirt and his dog so he could watch the Ohio State - Michigan game on TV.
The bartender told him that the dog couldn't stay. The man said "Please let him stay. My dog is the biggest Ohio State Fan of all time and our TV is out at home." The bartender relented and allowed the dog to stay. Sure enough, the dog was a huge fan. His tail wagged every time Ohio State got a first down. He growled at the TV when Michigan did something good. He clapped his paws together and barked happily every time the Buckeyes scored. When the game ended and Ohio State had won, the dog did three backflips and howled with joy. The bartender said, "That's amazing. Does he do that every time Ohio State wins." "Yes he does" replied the Buckeye Fan. "What does he do if Michigan wins?" asked the bartender. The Ohio State fan replied "I don't know. I've only had the dog 8 years."
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A small boy named Arthur lived in the local village, nobody liked him because he was very very stupid, his teacher was always yelling at him "You are driving me crazy Arthur, I can't teach you anything". One day Arthur's mother came to the school to check on how he was doing, the teacher told her that her son was simply a disaster, and that she had never seen such a dumb boy in her entire teaching career, "he'll never amount to anything" she said, the mother was so shocked to hear this that she immediatly withdrew her son from the school.
25 years later, the teacher was diagnosed with a brain tumor, she was told that there was only one brain surgeon that could perform the operation and that he originally came from the local village, so everything was arranged and she had the operation which was successful.
When she opened her eyes after the operation the surgeon that had performed it was smiling down at her, she wanted to thank him so she asked him his name, he was about to tell her when suddenly her face started to turn blue and she died, the surgeon was shocked and was trying to work out what had gone wrong, it turned out that the hosptital cleaner had accidently unplugged the oxygen equipment to connect his hoover, his name was Arthur.
Don't tell me you thought that an idiot like Arthur could became a brain surgeon!
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At the end of the tax year, the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit the books of a synagogue. While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said: "I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?"
"Good question," noted the Rabbi. "We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles."
"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way: "What about all these biscuit purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?"
"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We collect them and send them back to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send a free box of holy biscuits."
"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi. "Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"
"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save up all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, and about once a year they send us a complete ****.
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