A few more laughs ....

[colsy]

funnies

At the end of the tax year, the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit
the books of a local hospital.

While the agent was checking the books he turned to the hospital
accountant and said "I notice you buy a lot of bandages. What do you do
with the end of the roll when there's too little left to be of any use?"
"Good question," noted the accountant. "We save them up and send them
back to the bandage company and every now and then they send us a free
box of bandages." "Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that
his unusual question had a practical answer.

But on he went, in his obnoxious way. "What about all these plaster
purchases? What do you do with what's left over after setting a cast on
a patient?" "Ah, yes," replied the accountant, realising that the
inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We save
it and send it back to the manufacturer, and every now and then they
send us a free package of plaster." "I see," replied the auditor,
thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all accountant.

"Well," he went on, "What do you do with all the leftover foreskins from
the circumcisions you perform?" "Here, too, we do not waste," answered
the Accountant. "What we do is save all the little foreskins and send
them to the Tax Office and about once a year they send us a complete *****!"

=====================

An 18-year-old suicide bomber blew himself up and appeared before Allah.
He said, "Oh, Allah, I did your bidding, but I have a request. Since I'm
only 18 and spent all my time in terrorist training school, I never was
with a woman. So, instead of 72 virgins, who also won't know what to do
sexually, can I have 72 *****s?"

Allah regarded him for a moment, then replied, "Actually, the 72 virgins
are here in heaven because assholes like you murdered them before they
could experience the pleasure of sex. So you're here to service them.
Since they're virgins, they're quite sexually ravenous; and, frankly,
you'll be on constant, exhausting duty."

The bomber responded, "Well, I guess I can live with that. How hard can
it be to keep 72 women satisfied for all eternity?" Allah replied, "Who
said they are women?"

====================

A guy walks into a bar with his horse and offers $100 to anybody who can
make the horse laugh. Only one guy says he can do it, and he whispers
something in the horse's ear. Sure enough, the horse laughs his head off.

So the following week, the guy is back in the bar with his horse again,
but his time he offers $200 to anyone who can make the horse cry. The
same guy comes up to him then whispers to the horse and they go off to
the bathroom. Amazingly, when they come back, the horse is sobbing.

The horse's owner goes over to the other guy, and says: "Hey, I just got
to know - how did you do that?" "Simple," he replies, "last week I told
him I had a bigger **** than him. This week I showed him..."

===================

The priest in a small Irish village loved the rooster and ten hens he
kept in the hen house behind the church.
One Sunday morning, before mass, he went to feed the birds and
discovered that the **** was missing.
He knew about **** fights in the village, so he questioned his
parishioners in church. During mass, he asked the congregation, 'Has
anybody got a ****?
All the men stood up. 'No, no,' he said, 'that wasn't what I meant.
Has anybody seen a ****?' All the women stood up. 'No, no,' he said,
'that wasn't what I meant.
Has anybody seen a **** that doesn' t belong to them?' Half the women
stood up. 'No, no,' he said, 'that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen
MY ****?'
Sixteen altar boys, two priests and a goat stood up. The priest fainted.

===================

A woman goes into a tattoo parlour and tells the tattoo artist that she
wants a tattoo of a turkey on her right thigh just below her bikini
line. She also wants him to put "Happy Thanksgiving" under the turkey.
So the guy does it and it comes out looking real good. The woman then
instructs him to put a Santa Claus with "Merry Christmas" up on her left
thigh. So the guy does it and it comes out looking good too.

As the woman is getting dressed to leave, the tattoo artist says "If you
don't mind, could you tell me why you had me put such unusual tattoos on
your thighs?" She says
She says "I'm sick and tired of my husband complaining all the time that
there's nothing good to eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas!"
===================

Kylie Minogue, Robbie Williams and Elton John were walking over a
bridge. Kylie trips and gets her head jammed between the railings. With
a sideways glance, Robbie pulls aside her G-String, and bonks her
senseless! He stands back and tells Elton "your turn". Elton bursts into
tears. "What's up?" asks Robbie. Elton sobs, "My head won't fit through
the railings!"
===================

A young couple were making passionate love in the guy's van (you know,
shag carpets, big double mattress in the back... all that) when suddenly
the girl, being a bit on the kinky side, yells out "Oh big boy, whip me,
WHIP ME!"

The guy, not wanting to pass up this unique opportunity, obviously did
not have any whips to hand, but in a flash of inspiration, he opens the
window, snaps the antenna off his van and proceeds to whip the girl
until they both collapse in sadomasochistic ecstasy.

About a week later, the girl notices that the marks left by the whipping
session are starting to fester a bit so she goes to the doctor. The
doctor takes one look at the wounds and asks "Did you get these marks
having sex?"

The girl is a little embarrassed but admits that, yes, she did. Nodding
his head knowingly the doctor exclaims, "I thought so, because in all my
years of doctoring you've got the worst case of van aerial disease that
I've ever seen."
====================

Lonely and desperate for a special man to fill that void in her life the
woman placed an ad in the local paper...

RICH WIDOW LOOKING FOR MAN TO
SHARE LIFE AND FORTUNE WITH THE
FOLLOWING QUALIFICATIONS:
1. WON'T BEAT ME UP
2. WON'T RUN AWAY
3. HAS TO BE GREAT IN BED

For several months, her phone rang off the hook, her doorbell was
ringing constantly, she received tons of mail... all to no avail. None
of the men seemed to meet her qualifications.

Then one day the doorbell rang yet again. She opened the door to find a
man, with no arms and no legs, lying on the welcome mat. Perplexed, she
asked, "Who are you and what do you want?"

"Hi," said the man "Your search is over, for I am the man of your
dreams. I've got no arms, so I can't beat you up and I've got no legs,
so I can't run away."

The old woman asked, "What makes you think you're so great in bed?"

To which he replied, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"
=======================

Finally, Christmas was over and the elves were taking off for their well
deserved vacation.

Chandro the Lead Elf says, "Man, I've been waiting for this for six
months. I'm getting my ass down to Miami. I'm gonna do nothin, but suck
down margaritas, bang as many babes as I can, and soak up the sun til I
get this damn cold out of my bones."

So he gets to Miami, checks into his hotel and then heads straight for
the bar. He spots a gorgeous, tall, well built blonde sitting alone
sipping a drink.

So he goes over, climbs on the stool next to her and orders a margarita.
He downs it, orders another one, downs that too. He smiles at the blonde
and says, "Hi sweetie, I'm Chandro, Santa's lead elf. What would you say
to a little ****?"

She looks down and says. "Hello, you little ****."

 

[colsy]

Twas the night before christmas

'Twas the night before Christmas, and God it was neat
The kids were both gone,and my wife was in heat

The doors were all bolted, and the phone off the hook
It was time for some nooky, by hook or by crook.

Momma in her teddy, and I in the nude
Had just hit the bedroom and reached for the lube

When out on the lawn there arose such a cry,
That I lost my boner and poor momma went dry.

Up to the window I sprang like an elf,
Tore back the shade while she played with herself.

The moon on the crest of the snowman we'd built,
Showed a broom up his ass, clean up to the hilt.

When what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a rusty old sleigh and eight mangy reindeer.

With a fat little driver, half out of his sled,
A sock in his ear, and a bra on his head.

Sure as I'm speaking, he was as high as a kite.
And he yelled to his team, but it didn't sound right.

Whoa Shithead, whoa Asshole, whoa Stupid, whoa Putz,
Either slow down this rig or I'll cut off your nuts.

Look out for the lamp post, and don't hit the tree,
Quit shaking the sleigh, 'cause I gotta go pee.

They cleared the old lamp post, the tree got a rub,
Just as Santa leaned out and threw up on my shrub.

And then from the roof we heard such a clatter,
As each little reindeer now emptied his bladder.

I was donning my jacket to cover my ass,
When down the chimney Santa came with a crash.

His suit was all smelly with perfume galore,
He looked like a bum and he smelled like a *****.

That was some brothel, he said with a smile,
The reindeer are pooped, and I'll just stay here awhile.

He walked to the kitchen, himself poured a drink,
Then whipped out his pecker and pissed in the sink.

I started to laugh, my wife smiled with glee,
The old boy was hung nearly down to his knee.

Back in the den, Santa reached in his sack,
But his toys were all gone, and some new things were packed.

The first thing he found was a pair of false tits,
The next was a handgun with a penis that spits.

A box filled with condoms was Santa's next find,
And a six pair of panties, the edible kind.

A bra without nipples, a penis extension,
And several other things that I shouldn't even mention.

A **** ring, a G-string, and all types of oil,
A dildo so long, it lay in a coil.

This suff ain't for kids, Mrs Santa will ****,
So I'll leave 'em here, and then I'll just split.

He filled every stocking and then took his leave,
With one tiny butt plug tucked under his sleeve.

He sprang to his sleigh, but his feet were like lead,
Thus he fell on his ass and broke wind instead.

In time he was seated, took the reins of his hitch,
Take me home Rudolph, this night's been a bitch!

The sleigh was near gone when we heard Santa shout,
The best thing about sex is that it never wears out!

 

[colsy]

An Apology

> > > > DEAR
> > > > MR McNair> > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > > We
> > > > are pleased to
> > > inform you that the biopsy of the
> > > > redness on your penis
> > > > showed it was not
> > > cancerous.
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > > It
> > > > was lipstick.
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > > We
> > > > deeply regret the
> > > amputation.
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >

 

[colsy]

Undeniable Facts

1. A girl is said to be grown up when she starts wearing a bra. A boy is grown up when he starts removing it.

2. We all love to spend money buying new clothes but we never realize that the best moments in life are enjoyed without clothes.



3. Having a cold drink on hot day with a few friends is nice, but having a hot friend on a cold night after a few drinks - PRICELESS.



4. Breaking News: Condoms don't guarantee safe sex anymore. A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot dead by the woman's husband.



5. Arguing over a girl's bust size is like choosing between Molson, Heineken, Carlsberg & Budweiser. Men may state their preferences, but will grab whatever is available.

I haven't verified this on Snopes, but it sounds legit… A recent study found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.

 

[colsy]

Scottish Humour....

ya gotta love the Jimmy's




One thing about the lads from Scotland is that their hearts and humour are always in the right place!

Jimmy MacDonald, a City Councillor from Glasgow, was asked on a local live radio talk show, just what he thought about the allegations of torture of suspected terrorists.



His reply prompted his ejection from the studio, but to thunderous applause from the audience.

HIS STATEMENT:

"If hooking up one rag-head terrorist's testicles to a car battery gets the truth out of the lying little camel shagger and saves just one Scottish soldier?s life, then I have only three things to say:
1. red is positive,
2. black is negative, and
3. make sure his nuts are wet."

 

[colsy]

Three Bears

A far more accurate account of the events of that fateful morning...

Baby bear goes downstairs, sits in his small chair at the table. He
looks into his small bowl. It is empty. "Who's been eating my porridge?"
he squeaks.

Daddy bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair. He looks
into his big bowl and it is also empty. "Who's been eating my
porridge?!?" He roars.

Mummy bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and
yells, "for god's sake! How many times do I have to go through this with
you idiots? It was mummy bear who got up first. It was mummy bear who
woke everyone in the house. It was mummy bear who made the coffee. It
was mummy bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night and put
everything away. It was mummy bear who swept the floor in the kitchen.
It was mummy bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch
the newspaper and croissants. It was mummy bear who set the damn table.

"It was mummy bear who walked the bloody dog, cleaned the cat's litter
tray, gave them their food, and refilled their water.

"And now that you've decided to drag your sorry bear-arses downstairs
and grace mummy bear with your grumpy presence, listen carefully,
because I'm only going to say this once...

"I HAVEN'T MADE THE ****ING PORRIDGE YET!"

 

[colsy]

The Magic Penis

> A
> businessman was preparing to go on a long business trip, so
> he thought
> he'd
> buy his wife something to keep her occupied. He went to a
> sex shop
> and
> explained
> his situation.
>
> The man there said, 'Well, I don't
> know that I have anything that will
> keep her occupied for so many weeks,
> except...The Magic Penis!'
> The husband said, 'The
> what'?
>
> The man repeated, 'The
> Magic Penis,' and pulled out what seemed to be
> an
> ordinary dildo.
>
> The husband laughed, and said, 'It
> looks like a dildo!'
>
> The
> man then pointed to the door and said, 'Magic Penis,
> door!'
>
> The penis rose out of its box,
> darted over to the door and started
> pounding away at the keyhole. The whole
> door shook wildly with vibrations,
> so much so, that a crack began to form down
> the middle.
>
> Then
> the man said, 'Magic Penis, return to box!' and the
> penis stopped and
> returned to the box.
>
> The husband bought it and took it home to
> his wife. After the husband
> had been gone a few days, the wife
> remembered the Magic Penis. She
> undressed, opened the box and said
> 'Magic Penis, my vagina.'
>
> The penis shot to her crotch. It was
> absolutely incredible. After three
> mind shattering orgasms, she became very
> exhausted and decided she'd had
> enough. She tried to pull it out, but it
> was stuck and her husband had
> neglected
> to tell her how to turn it off.
>
> So she put her clothes on, got
> in her car and started for the closest
> hospital.
> On the way, another incredibly intense orgasm made her
> swerve
> all
> over the road.
>
> A Police Officer saw this and immediately
> pulled her over. He asked for
> her
> license,
> and then asked how much she'd had to drink.
>
> Gasping
> and twitching, the woman said, 'I haven't had
> anything to drink
> officer.
> You see, I've got this Magic Penis thing stuck in my
> crotch and
> it
> won't
> stop screwing me.
>
> The
> officer looked at her for a second, shook his head and
> replied,
> 'Yeah right ... Magic
> Penis, my ass!'
>
> The rest, as they say, is history.
>

 

[colsy]

The Death Italian Bookeeper

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido,

has cheated him out of $10,000,000.00

His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job

in the first place.

It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing so he would

not have to testify in court.

When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about his missing

$10 million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language.

The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the money is!"

The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, Where's the money?

Guido signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about."

The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know

what you're talking about." The Godfather pulls out a pistol,

puts it to Guido's head and says, "Ask him again or I'll kill him!"

The lawyer signs to Guido, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him."

Guido trembles and signs, "OK! You win! The money is in a brown

briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house.

The Godfather asks the lawyer,

"What did he say?"

The lawyer replies,

"He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."

 

[colsy]

a few more

Seems fair ...

Poland’s new foreign minister has proposed forming an army out of the Syrian men arriving in Europe which could then return to their homeland to fight for freedom. In an interview on Polish state television late Sunday, Waszczykowski also proposed helping Syrian arrivals in Europe form an army that could invade Syria.
“The tens of thousands of young Syrians who jump out of the rubber rafts and don’t ask for water, food or clothes but ask where they can charge their mobile phones could, with our help, fight to get their country back,” Waszczykowski said.
“Can you imagine a situation in which we send our troops to fight for Syria, while tens of thousands of Syrians sip coffee on Unter den Linden” — a boulevard in Berlin — “or at the old town square and watch how we fight for their security?” Waszczykowski said in Warsaw.

BEING ASSERTIVE



A husband had just finished reading a new book entitled "You Can Be THE Man in Your House".
He stormed out to his wife in the kitchen and announced "From now on I’m running this show, and my word will be law. You’ll prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm done eating it, you’ll serve me a scrumptious dessert.
After dinner you’re going upstairs with me, and we’ll have any kind of sex that I choose!
Afterwards, you’re going to run me a relaxing bath. You’ll wash my back, towel me dry, and bring me my robe. Then, you’ll massage my feet and hands.
Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?”
The wife replied "The f...ing undertaker would be my first guess!”


Subject: Seasonal Humor

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly
gates.

'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'

The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It's a candle', he said.
"You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.

The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'

Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.

The Newfoundlander started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'

The Newfoundlander replied, 'These are Carols.'

And So The Christmas Season Begins......

============================================================

 

[colsy]

As you slide down the banister of life ....

1. Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written
An impressive new book. It's called .......
'Ministers Do More Than Lay People'


2. Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink And be Mary..

3. The difference between the Pope and
Your boss, the Pope only expects you
To kiss his ring.

4. My mind works like lightning, One brilliant
Flash and it is gone.


5. The only time the world beats a path to
Your door is if you're in the bathroom.




6 I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once.
The seat folded up, the drink spilled and
That ice, well, it really chilled the mood.


7. It used to be only death and taxes
Now, of course, there's
shipping and handling, too.


8. A husband is someone who, after taking
the trash out, gives the impression that
he just cleaned the whole house.


9. My next house will have no kitchen - just
Vending machines and a large trash can.





11. Definition of a teenager?
God's punishment...for enjoying sex.

12. As you slide down the banister of life, may
The splinters never point the wrong way...




Be who you are and say what you feel... because those that matter... don't mind...

and those that mind...don't matter!

My goal in life is not a journey to the grave arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but to slide in broadside, totally used up, worn out, and proclaim, WOW!!! What a ride!!

Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know 'why' I look this way. I've travelled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved...

 

[colsy]

another

Tom and Mick were walking along a street in Toronto.

Mick looked in one of the shop windows and saw a sign that caught his eye. The sign read, "Suits $10 each, Shirts $4 each, trousers $6.50 per pair."

Mick said to his buddy, "Look at the prices! We could buy a whole lot of dose and when we get back to St, John's could make a fortune.


Now when we go in you stay quiet, okay? Let me do all da talking cause if they hear our accents, they might think we're thickos from Newfoundland and try to screw us. I'll put on my

best accent."

"Right y'are Mick, I'll keep me mouth shut, so I will. You do all da business," said Tom.


They go in and Mick said in a posh voice, "Hello my good man. I'll take 50 suits at $10 each, 100 shirts at $4 each, and 50 pairs

of trousers at $6.50 each. I'll back up me truck ready to load 'em on, so I will."


The owner of the shop said quietly, "You're from Newfoundland, aren't you?"


"Well yes", said a surprised Mick. "What gave it away?"

The owner replied, "This is a dry-cleaners."

 

[colsy]

Todays Smile....

old but funny






A man is stuck in traffic. He asks a Police officer (who is walking from car to car, speaking with each driver)

about the delay.



The Policeman says, “There are three Muslims blocking the traffic and threatening to douse themselves with petrol and set themselves on fire if we don’t get them airline tickets to the Middle East. So we’re taking up a collection for them.”

The Man replies “How much have you got so far?”

The Policemen responds, “About 60 liters, but a lot of people are still siphoning."



=========================================================

 

[colsy]

>>> Monica is back in the news for the US Elections!
>>>
>>>
>>> Monica Lewinsky released the following statement on Hilary Clinton's run for President:
>>>
>>>
>>> "I will not vote for Hilary Clinton. The last Clinton presidency left a bad taste in my mouth. As we get closer to the 2016 election year, citizens must remember that they cannot even trust Hillary Clinton to create American jobs. The last time she had a meaningful job, she outsourced it to me and I simply blew it".
>>>
>>>
>>> Monica...

 

[colsy]

Geordie Golf

A Geordie golfer and his wife walked into a dentist's office.

The Geordie said to the dentist, "Doc, I'm in one hell of a hurry. I have two mates sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play golf, so forget about the anaesthetic, I don't have time for the gums to get numb. I just want you to pull the tooth, and be done with it! We have 10 a.m. tee time at the best golf course in town and it's 9:30 already... I don't
have time o wait for the anaesthetic to work! "

The dentist thought to himself, "My goodness, this is surely a very brave man asking to
have his tooth pulled without using anything to kill the pain."

So the dentist asks him, "Which tooth is it sir?"

The man turned to his wife and said,

"Open your mouth Pet, and show him."

 

[colsy]

Hotel Bill

Next time you think your hotel bill is too high you might want to
consider this...



A husband and wife are travelling by car from Brisbane to Melbourne .

After almost ten hours on the road, they're too tired to continue and
they decide to stop for a rest. They stop at a nice hotel and take a
room, but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on
the road.

When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk; hands them a
bill for $450.00.

The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He
tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel; the rooms certainly aren't
worth $450.00.

When the clerk tells him $450.00 is the standard rate, the man insists
on speaking to the Manager.

The Manager appears, listens to the man, and then explains that the
hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference centre that were
available for the husband and wife to use.

'But we didn't use them,' the man complains

'Well, they are here, and you could have,' explains the Manager. He
goes on to explain they could have taken in one of the shows for which
the hotel is famous. 'The best entertainers from New York , Hollywood
, and Las Vegas perform here,' the Manager says.

'But we didn't go to any of those shows, 'complains the man again.

'Well, we have them, and you could have,' the Manager replies.

No matter what amenity the Manager mentions! the man replies, 'But we
didn't use it!'

The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives up and agrees to
pay. He writes a cheque and gives it to the Manager.

The Manager is surprised when he looks at the cheque. 'But sir,' he
says, 'this cheque is only made out for $50.00.'

'That's correct,' says the man. 'I charged you $400 for sleeping with my wife.'

'But I didn't!' exclaims the Manager.

'Well, too bad,' the man replies. 'She was here and you could have!'

 

[colsy]

funnies

These three guys die in a car wreck, and they all go to Hell. When they arrive, the Devil asks each of the men what their sin was. The first guy says "It's gotta be the booze. I'm always drunk."

The Devil decides to lock him in this room for 100 years with nothing but shelves of every kind of alcohol you could dream of. The guy's thinking, "**** yeah! Look at all this alcohol!" and runs into the room.

The second guy says, "It's the women. I could never stay faithful to my wife." The devil opens the second door and nothing but the finest looking naked women that you have ever seen. And he would be the only guy in there for 100 years. He couldn't believe it. His **** was instantly hard and he went hauling ass into the room and the Devil shut the door.

The third man said "It's gotta be the bud. I'm always tokin' up." The Devil opens the third door to reveal nothing but fields of 10-foot tall, icky, sticky, take-a-toke, make-ya-choke, chronic, green, death bud. The stoner can't believe it. He goes in and takes a seat Indian style with his back to the door and the Devil shuts the door behind him.

One hundred years go by and the Devil comes back to check on the three men.

He opens the first door and the man comes crawling out. He's got an empty bottle in one hand, he's completely naked, hasn't shaved or showered in years, and is covered in his own puke, **** and piss. "I'll never drink again!" he says.

The devil tells him that at least he learned something and decides to give him a second shot at life.

The devil then opens the second door and the man comes running out even faster than when he went in. "I'm ****ing gay!" he screams.

The devil decides that at least he learned not to cheat on his wife and gives him another chance as well.

The devil then comes to the third door. He opens it and nothing has changed. The stoner is still sitting in the same position that he was 100 years ago. The devil asks him if he learned anything. The stoner turns around as a tear rolls down his cheek. "You gotta a light man?"
..............................................
A virile, young Italian gentleman was relaxing at his favourite bar in Rome , when he managed to attract a spectacular young blonde. Things progressed to the point where he invited her back to his apartment, and after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he rattled her senseless. After a pleasant interlude, he asked with a smile, "So... you finish?" She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, "No."

Surprised, the young man reached for her and the rattling resumed. This time she thrashes about wildly and there are screams of passion. The rooting ends, and again, the young man smiles, and again he asks, "You finish?"And again, after a short pause, she returns his smile, cuddles closer to him, and softly says, "No."

Stunned, but damned if this woman is going to outlast him, the young man reaches for the woman yet again using the last of his strength, he barely manages it, but they end together, screaming, bucking, clawing, and ripping the bed sheets. The exhausted man falls onto his back, gasping. Barely able to turn his head, he looks into her eyes, smiles proudly, and asks again, "You finish?"

Barely able to speak, she whispers in his ear, "No, I Norwegian."
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A hunter kills a deer and brings it home. He decides to clean and serve the venison for supper. He knows his kids are fussy eaters, and won't eat it if they know what it is - so he does not tell them. His little boy keeps asking him, "What's for dinner?" "You'll see", says his dad. They start eating dinner and his daughter keeps asking what they're eating. "Ok," says her dad, "here's a hint: It's what your mother sometimes calls me." The girl suddenly screams at her little brother, "Spit it out! It's asshole!"
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The soldiers are tired and lonely after spending weeks in enemy territory. To entertain them the Major called for this HOT number from the nearby town.

She came, danced and when the first dance was done, the soldiers went mad. They clapped for 5 minutes.

For her second number she stripped and danced in sheer bra and G strings. This time the applause went for 10 minutes.

The next number she danced topless, and this time the applause went on and on. The Major had to come on stage and ask them to quiet down for the grand finale.

For her last number, she was to strip completely and dance naked. The Major expected the soldiers to make enough noise to bring the roof down. But ten minutes later, there is no clapping and the dancer comes backstage.

The Major asks her, "What happened? How come there was no clapping this time?" She replied, "Major, how do you expect those poor boys to clap with one hand?!!?"
..................................................

The wife coyly tried to explain her purchase of a new pair of expensive imported panties. "After all, dear," she said to her husband, "You wouldn't expect to find fine perfume in a cheap bottle, would you?" "No," her husband replied. "Nor would I expect to find gift wrapping on a dead beaver."
.........................................
A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing. He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, Ribbit 9 Iron."

The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. Again, he hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron" He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts the club away, and grabs a 9 iron.

Boom! He hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked. He says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh?" The frog replies, "Ribbit Lucky frog." The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole.

"What do you think frog?" the man asks. "Ribbit 3 wood." The guy takes out a 3 wood and, Boom! Hole in one. The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, "OK where to next?" The frog replies, "Ribbit Las Vegas. "

They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?" The frog says, "Ribbit Roulette." Upon approaching the roulette table, the man asks, "What do you think I should bet?" The frog replies, "Ribbit $3000, black 6" .

Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game the man figures what the heck. Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table.

The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful."

The frog replies, "Ribbit Kiss Me." He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him, he deserves it. With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year-old girl. "... and that, Your Honour, is how the girl ended up in my room!"
............................................
An Italian man was in a bad car accident and after months of recovery he still had a problem. He had to have his penis amputated. He went to see the doctor and was reassured that he could help.

"First of all you have to pick a new penis," said the doctor. The physician picked up a box from his table and said, "This is our 6 inch standard model. It is dependable and will cost you only $6000. It comes with a lifetime guarantee.

The man said, "Okay, that's about right, but what's in the other box?" "This is our 9 inch super model. 9 inches of muscle to please any women. But this will cost you $9,000!" The man said, "Oh yea, that's the one I want. My wife will love me forever. But does it also come with a lifetime guarantee?". "Yes".

"What's in the third box?" The doctor picked up yet another box from his desk. "This is our super deluxe model. Its 12 inches of all beef and will drive all the ladies wild. But if you want this much power you'll have to pay $12,000!" The man is really on a roll and is tickled pink. "Doc, that's it, that's the one for me. I'll be the envy of everyone I know. But does it have a lifetime guarantee?" "YES SIR!"

The man had just one more question: "Does it come in White?"
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A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest. After about 15 minutes of it, the man finally gets up and says, "Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!". The woman says, "Me too, you've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!"
.................................................

The doctor took the husband in first. The husband was a bit embarrassed and told the doctor he had trouble getting an erection with his wife and she was getting frustrated. He checked his blood pressure and other things then said he was going to check with the wife.

He took her to another cubicle and asked her to disrobe. Then he told her to turn all the way around slowly. She did as instructed. He then told her to turn all the way around in the other direction.

Then he said - "Okay good - you can get dressed now, and I will talk to your husband".

The doctor went back to the other cubicle and said to the husband "Well, you can relax, there is nothing wrong with you. I couldn't get an erection either".

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Two friends meet in the office. One of them, a notorious techno-geek.

"Hey, bud, how are ya?" "I'm good. Congratulations, that new secretary of yours is beautiful!" "Well, I'm glad you like her. Believe it or not, she's a robot!"

"No way, how could that be?" "Way! She's the latest model from Japan. Lemme tell you how she works. If you squeeze her left tit, she takes dictation. If you squeeze her right tit, she types a letter. And that's not all, she can have sex, too!" "Holy ****! You're kidding, right?" "No, she's something, huh? Tell you what, you can even borrow her".

So, his friend takes her into the restroom and is in there with her for a while. Suddenly, he hears him screaming "Eeeeyaaaaa! Heeelp" Ooooooh! Aaaaaaah! Eeeeeeeeeeeaaargghhhh!"

The guy says "****! I forgot to tell him her ass is a pencil sharpener!"
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Three nuns passed every day through a street that led them from Church to a Reformatory. They noticed a parrot that stood at the entrance of a big residential house. Every time they passed in front of that house, the bird would pronounce three sequential colours.

One day, they heard "Yellow, blue, black". One of the nuns noticed that those colours perfectly matched the colours of their underwear. She mentioned her discovery to the other two nuns, but both were reluctant to believe that could be possible.

The next day, they all wore black underwear and passed in front of the house, and very precisely the parrot spoke "Black, black, black". Hearing that, the three nuns were astonished!! One of the nuns spoke up: "Girls, tomorrow we are going to trick that bird". Saying that, she recommended that the next day, none of them should wear ANY underwear under their vestments.

Respecting their agreement, next day they wore no underwear and proceeded to pass in front of the parrot's house. They peeked at the bird. At the beginning, the parrot looked a bit puzzled. He swung back and forth on the cane he was perched on.

Then, after a while, the Parrot spoke "Straight, straight, curly!"
==========================================================

 

[colsy]

An Essex Winter Story

As a lorry driver in Essex stops for a red light, a blonde in her car
pulls up alongside. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his lorry cab,
and knocks on the door. The driver lowers the window, and she says,
"Hi, my name is Sharon and you're losing some of your load!"
The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street. When the lorry
stops for another red light, the girl
again catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his cab, and
knocks on the door. The guy lowers the
window, and she says,
"Hi, my name is Sharon and you ARE losing some of your load."
Shaking his head, the driver ignores her again and continues down the
street.
At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of
breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs
up, knocks on the lorry cab door. The driver lowers the window again
and she says,
'Hi, my name is Sharon and you really are losing some of your load!
When the light turns green, the driver revs up and races to the next
light. When he stops this time, he
hurriedly gets out of his lorry, and runs back to the blonde
He knocks on her window and, as she lowers it, he says...

"Hi, my name is Kevin and I'm gritting the road."

 

[colsy]

An old man was sitting on a train .

An old man was sitting on a train across from a blonde wearing a tiny mini skirt.

Despite his efforts, he was unable to stop staring at the top of her thighs.

To his delight, he realized she was going commando (no underwear).

She saw him staring and inquired, "Are you looking at my vagina?"

“Yes, I’m sorry, "he replied.

"It’s quite all right," she replied, "It’s very talented, watch this, I’ll make it blow a kiss to you."

With a little twitch of her hips, sure enough, the vagina blew him a kiss.

The old man was completely astounded and inquired what else it could do.

"I can also make it wink," she replied.

The old man stared in amazement as the vagina winked at him.

"Come and sit next to me," she said, patting the seat.

He moved over and she asked, “Would you like to stick a couple of fingers in?"

Stunned, he asked, “You’re kiddin' me . You mean it can whistle too?"

It's tough getting old.

 

[colsy]

Circumscised !

A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of class was scratching his crotch, and not paying attention.
She went back to find out what was going on.
He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy.
The teacher told him to go down to the school office.
He was told to telephone his mother and ask her what he should do about it.

He did and returned to his class. Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room.
She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his 'private part' hanging out.
"I thought I told you to call your mum!" she said. "I did," he said,
"And she told me that if I could stick it out until lunchtime, she'd come and pick me up from school."

 

[colsy]

Best in a long while !

Wife : Shall I prepare Curry or Soup today?
Husband : First make it, we will name it later


A frustrated husband in front of his laptop :
Dear Google, please do not behave like my wife...Please allow me to complete my sentence before you start guessing & suggesting.


A married man's prayer :
Dear God, You gave me childhood, You took it away
You gave me youth, You took it away. You gave me a wife ... Its been years now, just reminding You.


A man brings his best buddy home for dinner unannounced at 5:30 after work. His wife begins screaming at him and his friend just sits and listens in.
"My hair & makeup are not done, the house is a mess, the dishes are not done, I'm still in my pyjamas and I can't be bothered with cooking tonight ! Why the hell did you bring him home for?"
Husband answers "Because he's thinking of getting married"


Employee : Sir You are like a lion in the office! What about at home ???
Boss : I am a lion at home too, But there we have a lion tamer !!!


A couple was having dinner at a fancy restaurant. As the food was served, the husband said, "the food looks delicious, let's eat."
Wife : honey ... you say prayer before eating at home
Husband : that's at home sweetheart ... here the chef knows how to cook.


Best Slogan on a MAN's T-Shirt :
"Please Do Not Disturb me,I am Married and already very Disturbed"