A few more laughs ....

[colsy]

Starts with a "F"

First grade teacher, Ms Brooks, was having trouble with one of her more precocious students.

The teacher asked, 'Harry, what exactly is your problem?'


Harry answered, 'I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!'

Ms. Brooks finally had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained the situation to the principal. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he happily agreed to take the test.


Principal: 'What is 3 x 3?'
Harry: '9..'
Principal: 'What is 6 x 6?'
Harry: '36.'


And so it went with every question the principal thought a bright 3rd grader should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her,
' I consider Harry can go to the 3rd grade'

But Ms. Brooks is still sceptical of the little bugger and says to the principal, 'Not so fast, let me ask him a few questions..'

The principal and Harry both agree.

Ms. Brooks asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?'

Harry, after a moment: 'Legs..'

Ms Brooks: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?'

The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!

Harry replied: 'Pockets..’ to the Principal’s great relief…..

Ms. Brooks: 'What does a dog do that a man steps into?'

Harry: 'Pants.'

By now, the principal is sitting forward with his mouth hanging open..

Ms.. Brooks: 'What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?'

Now the principal's eyes open really wide and before he could intervene, Harry replied, 'Bubble gum.'

Ms. Brooks: 'What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?'

Harry: 'Shake hands.'

The principal is now trembling with apprehension as Ms. Brooks asks the last question……

Ms. Brooks: 'What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' and indicates a great deal of heat and excitement?'

Harry: 'Firetruck.'

The principal breaths a huge sigh of relief and tells the teacher, 'Put the little ******* in 5th-Grade, I got the last seven questions wrong myself...'

 

[Joe_3490]

The teacher asked her class what write down on a piece of paper the type of work their dad did.

The children, very excitedly scribbled their answers.

One by one the teacher asked each child to stand and describe the job.

There was much laughter and screaming, apart from, that is, little Tommy.
"Tommy, why do you look so sad?" asked the teacher.

Tommy slowly rose to his feet and replied, "My dad's a stripper at a male bar".
The other children remained silent, as Tommy continued:
"Sometimes he doesn't come home and works the street at night".

There were gasps around the classroom. However the teacher acted quickly and dismissed the children telling them to go out and play.
She then walked up to little Tommy and put her arm around
him and asked, "is all that true about your dad Tommy?"

"No, not at all Miss. He really plays rugby for England, but I was too embarrassed to say".

 

[colsy]

A few more

Four Pints of Foreign Blood!

Fred, a lifelong white racist living on outskirts of Bradford was is in a major car crash.

When he comes round 3 days later in hospital the surgeon says:

"I've got good news and bad news.....

........the bad news is you have had 2 pints of African blood and 2 pints of Muslim blood"

Fred screams "What the hell is the good news then?"

"Your penis is 6 inches longer and you are now top of the housing list"


=======================================================================


A man in London walked into the produce section of his local Tesco's supermarket and asked to buy half a head of lettuce.

The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce.

The man was insistent that the boy ask the manager about the matter so, walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager "Some old ******* wants to buy a half a head of lettuce." As he finished his sentence, he turned around to find that the man was standing right behind him, so he quickly added, "and this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half."

The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way.

Later, the manager said to the boy," I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier, we like people who can think on their feet here, where are you from son?"

"New Zealand, sir," the boy replied.

"Why did you leave New Zealand?" the manager asked.

The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but prostitutes and rugby players there."

"Is that right?" replied the manager," My wife is from New Zealand !"

"Really?" replied the boy, "Who'd she play for?"

 

[colsy]

A few more Funnies... I think so anyway !

I'm fed up with the excuses women come up with to avoid having sex, like:
"I'm tired." "I'm washing my hair." "I've got a headache." “I’m your sister-in-law.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A woman in labor is in pain and screaming profanity at her husband from her hospital bed. He says, "Hey, don't blame me! I wanted to stick it in your ass, but N-O-O-O-O, you said that might hurt!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I spent $5,000 on a boob job for the wife. She was delighted. I spent another $2,000
on a nose job for her. She was ecstatic. I spent $2,000 on liposuction for her and she couldn't thank me enough. But when I spend 50 bucks on a blowjob for myself she goes ****ing nuts! Women, I can't figure them out.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A mother-in-law said to her son's wife when their baby was born, "I don't mean to be rude but he doesn't look anything like my son." The daughter-in-law lifted her skirt and said, "I don't mean to be rude either, but this is a *****, not a ****ing photo-copier."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear Dr Phil:
I was watching my next door neighbor's wife sunbathing topless from my bedroom window. As I was jerking off, I turned to notice my wife was just standing there, arms folded...watching me. Is she a pervert or what?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A guy gets a call at work from the police telling him that his house had been robbed.
The offenders had also consumed all of his beer and had raped his wife. A moment of silence passes, then the guy says, "I can't believe they ****ed my wife after only five beers!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Got this text from my brother recently. It read, "Can I stay at your house for a while? The ol' lady kicked me out after she caught me measuring my ****. For what it's worth, it reaches all the way to the back of her sister's throat!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Sorry for not calling you on New Year's, but I just got out of jail. I was locked up for punching the **** out of this idiot at a party. In my defense, when you hear an Arab counting down from 10 your instincts kick in.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My wife just came in and said, "I don't know if I'm coming or going." I said to her, "Judging by the look on your face you're going, because when you're coming you look like a ****ing squirrel trying to whistle!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I saw a fortune teller the other day. She told me I would come into some money.Last night I ****ed a girl named Penny. Is that spooky or what?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The missus asked me, "When you're on a boys only trip, do you think about me?" Apparently, "Only to stop myself from coming too quickly!" wasn't the right answer.

 

[colsy]

Fosters

An Australian guy is travelling around the Greek Islands. He walks into a
bar and, by chance, is served by an Australian barmaid. As she takes his
order, a Foster's, she notices his accent. Over the course of the evening,
they get chatting.



At the end of her shift, he asks if she wants to come back to his place.



Although she is attracted to him, she says no. He then offers to pay her
$200 to sleep with him.



As she is travelling around the world, and is short of funds, she agrees.



The next night the guy turns up again. Again, he orders Fosters and after
showing her plenty of attention, asks if she will sleep with him again for
$200. She remembers the pay out from night before and is only too happy to
agree.



This goes on for 5 nights. On the 6th night, the guy comes in again, orders
Fosters but goes and sits in the corner. The barmaid thinks that if she pays
him more attention then, maybe she can shake some more cash out of him. So
she goes over and sits next to him.



She asks him where he's from in Australia.



‘Melbourne ', he tells her.



'So am I. What suburb?' she enquires.



'Glen Iris' he replies.



'That's amazing,' she says excitedly, 'so am I - what street?'



‘Cameo Street ' he replies.



'This is unbelievable.........' she says, her voice quavering;



'What number?'



'Number 20', he replies.



She is totally astonished. 'You are NOT going to believe this,' she screams,
'but I'm from number 22! My parents still live there!'



'I know...' he says, 'Your Dad gave me $1,000 to give to you'



HE WHO DRINKS AUSTRALIAN, THINKS AUSTRALIAN

 

[colsy]

The Bike

For his birthday, little Joseph asked for a 10-speed bicycle.


His father said, 'Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is £280,000 and your mother just lost her job.



There's no way we can afford it.'



The next day the father saw little Joseph heading out the front door with a suitcase.


So he asked, 'Son, where are you going?'


Little Joseph told him, 'I was walking past your room last night and heard you telling mum you were pulling out.


Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too.


And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with a £280,000 mortgage and no f*#kin' bike.

 

[colsy]

Penis Surgery

A man wakes up in the hospital bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says, “Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now, you probably won't
remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, however, your penis was severed in
the accident and we couldn't find it.”

The man groans, but the doctor goes on, “You have £9,000 in insurance compensation coming and we now have the technology to build a new penis. They work
great but they don't come cheap. It's roughly £1,000 an inch.”

The man perks up.

So, the doctor says, “You must decide how many inches you want. But understand that you have been married for over thirty years and this is something you
should discuss with your wife. If you had a five incher before and get a nine incher now she might be a bit put out. If you had a nine incher before and
you decide to only invest in a five incher now, she might be disappointed. It's important that she plays a role in helping you make a decision.”

The man agrees to talk it over with his wife. The doctor comes back the next day, “So, have you spoken with your wife?” “Yes I have,” says the man.

“And has she helped you make a decision?”

“Yes” says the man.

“What is your decision?” asks the doctor.

“We're getting a new kitchen ! ! !

 

[colsy]

Funnies

A piano player is starting a new job in a bar. On his first night he's warming up before the bar opens and the barman overhears him playing. The barman is very moved by the music. It seems to transport him back to days gone by, reminding him of a youth that he will never get back and of all the triumphs and disappointments of his childhood.

"Wow, you really play beautifully, what's that song?" he asks the piano player. The piano player looks pleased "Oh that's one of my own songs actually, I wrote it about a year ago". "You've got to be kidding! You wrote that song? That's one of the most beautiful pieces of music I've ever heard. What's it called?"

The piano player smiles "I named that piece 'The wart-ridden anus of a dying *****'". "What! Why on earth would you call it that? That's a horrible name and it's such a beautiful piece of music. Surely you could think of a better name than that?" "Not a chance. I like it, and I'm not going to change it".

The barman is disappointed so goes back to cleaning glasses. The piano player starts playing a new song and once again the barman is very moved by the piece. He feels on top of the world, proud and confident. He thinks of his home and how he would be willing to die to defend it. Once again he is so moved that he approaches the piano player.

"Wow that piece was just as amazing as the last one. Surely you didn't write that too though?" The piano player grins. "Yep I wrote that one too, just the other night in fact. It's called 'Saggy man boobs all covered in ****'. "Oh no. No, you can't call it that. That's all wrong. It's such a great song, surely you could think of another name?" The barman turns back to the piano. "Not a chance. I like it, and I'm not going to change it".

The barman goes back to his work and despite himself he can't help but be stirred by the next song the piano player plays. This time the barman feels a great swelling in his chest and a sense of love for all of God's creatures. He thinks of his wife and children and how much they mean to him and he is so filled with love and joy that a few tears roll down his cheek. He can't help but approach the piano player again.

"That's the most beautiful song of the three. That really meant a lot to me. If you wrote that one too then I think you must be some sort of musical genius". The piano player smiles gently. "That was the first song I ever wrote". The barman braces himself. "Go on then, tell me what it's called".

"I named that piece 'Away and suck my spunk from out your mother's ****'. Before you ask, I like the name and I'm not going to change it". The barman looks angry. "Listen mate, you'll do fine tonight. Just play your songs and the crowd will love you. But a word of advice - don't tell them what the songs are called. It ruins them".

The piano player grudgingly agrees.

The bar opens and soon it's nice and busy. The piano player starts playing and the crowd are lapping it up. Everyone is listening so intently that you could hear a pin drop. The piano player take the applause graciously and just as the barman advised, never once does he reveal the names of his songs. After an hour or two of playing, he announces that he's going to take a short break and that he'll be back in half an hour. The crowd cheer and applaud and the piano player bows and smiles before finally retreating into the back.

Half an hour later he heads back to the piano but nips into the gents on his way back. He's just finished relieving himself when a slightly drunk guy slaps him on the back and congratulates him on the performance. As a result, the piano player is distracted and fails to button up his boxer shorts or to even do up his fly. He makes his way out into the bar and he's walking towards the piano when an older gent stops him.

"Excuse me". Says the old gent. "But do you know your fly's undone and everyone can see your ****?" The piano player looks furious. "Know it! Know it! I ****ing wrote it!"

======================

Back in the swinging 60s, Michael Caine holds a massive party at his London gaff. The whole 60's London cool set is there - the Rolling Stones, Hendrix, Twiggy, Marianne, Faithful, Bowie etc.

Sitting on a couch in the corner is Jim Morrison strumming "Light My Fire" on his guitar. Quite early on, Jim gets up to go, telling Michael Caine he's tired and off home to read a book. Caine says "The party's only just warming up, why don't you go upstairs with one of the girls?" to which Jim replies "Okay but only if the rest of the band can come". Off they go up to a bedroom with a hot little thing in a mini skirt.

A bit later, Mick Jagger thinks to himself "I wonder where Jim Morrison is" and wanders off to find him. A few minutes later, Michael Caine follows him, to find the girl on her knees giving Jagger a blow job. Caine grabs her by the hair slaps here about and sends her back downstairs yelling at her "How many times do I have to tell you... you're only supposed to blow the bloody doors off!!"

=====================

A Rolls Royce pulls up in to an expensive restaurant. A sheik emerges, followed by a harem of women and a rooster. After ordering for himself and his harem, the sheik requests a basket of apples for the rooster. The rooster proceeds to eats three baskets of apples. The waiter asks the sheik about the voracious appetite of the rooster. The sheik explains "A genie granted me three wishes. My first wish was to have an endless supply of money. My second wish was to have many beautiful women. And my third wish was to have an insatiable ****".

=====================

A groom waits at the altar with a huge smile on his face. His best man asks "Why do you look so excited?" The groom replies "I just had the best blow job I have ever had in my entire life AND I'm marrying the wonderful woman who gave it to me!" The bride waits at the other end of the aisle with a huge smile on her face. Her maid of honour asks "Why do you look so excited?" The bride replies "I just gave the last blow job of my entire life".

=====================

The biggest difference between men and women, is what comes to mind when they hear the word "facial".
--
What's the difference between a blonde and a mosquito? A mosquito will stop sucking once you slap it.
..
There was a small church in Nempnett Thrubwell, Somerset, England, that had a very big-busted organist, by the name of Bunty. Bunty's breasts were so huge that they inadvertently bounced and jiggled the entire time she played the organ. Unfortunately, she distracted most of the congregation considerably, both male and female.

The very proper church ladies of the WI were appalled. They said something had to be done about this or they would have to get another organist.

So, one of the ladies approached Bunty, very discreetly, and told her to mash up some green persimmons and rub them on the nipples of her breasts and maybe they would shrink in size, but warned her to not eat any of the green persimmons "Because they are so sour they will make your mouth pucker up and you won't be able to talk properly for a week!"

Bunty the perky organist agreed to try rubbing the persimmons on her nipples.

The following Sunday morning Tarquin the Vicar got up in the pulpit and said... "Dew to thircumsthanthis bewond my contwol, we will not haff a thermon tewday".
..
A major international company was looking to hire someone for an important position, so they interviewed dozens of applicants and narrowed their search down to three people from different parts of the world.

In an attempt to pick one of them, they decided to give them all the same question to answer within 24 hours and the one with the best answer would get the job. The question was:

"A man and a woman are in bed, nude. The woman is lying on her side with her back facing the man, and the man is lying on his side facing the woman's back. What is the man's name?"

After the 24 hours was up, the three were brought in to give their answers. The first, from the USA, says "My answer is... there is NO answer".

The second, from England, says "My answer is that there is no way to determine the answer with the supplied information ".

The third one, from Scotland, says "I'm not exactly sure, but I have it narrowed down to two names. It's either: Willie Turner or Willie Nailer?"

The Scotsman got the job.
..
An old guy goes to his doctor for his physical and gets sent to the Urologist as a precaution. When he gets there, he discovers the Urologist is a very pretty female doctor.

The female doctor says "I'm going to check your prostate today, but this new procedure is a little different from what you are probably used to. I want you to lie on your right side, bend your knees, then while I check your prostate, take a deep breath and say '99'".

The old guy obeys and says "99". The doctor says "Great now turn over on your left side and again, while I repeat the check, take a deep breath and say '99'".

Again, the old guy says "99'". The doctor said "Very good. Now then, I want you to lie on your back with your knees raised slightly. I'm going to check your prostate with this hand, and with the other hand I'm going to hold on to your penis to keep it out of the way. Now take a deep breath and say '99'.

The old guy begins "One... two... three"...
..
While doing a vasectomy, the doctor slipped and cut off one of the man's balls. To avoid a huge malpractice suit, he decided to replace the missing testicle with a pickled onion.

Several weeks later, the patient returned for a check-up. "How's your sex life?" asked the doctor. "Pretty good" the man said, to the doctor's obvious relief.

But then the patient added "I've had some strange side effects that are causing serious problems". "What's that?" the doctor asked anxiously. "Well, every time I urinate, my eyes water". "Hmm" said the doctor, thoughtfully.

"That's not all" continued the patient. "When my wife gives me a blowjob, she gets heartburn". "Hmm" said the doctor, as his face reddened. "It gets worse, Doc. Now, every time I pass a chip shop, I get a hard-on!"
..
Mrs Jones went to see her doctor. When he inquired about her complaint she replied that she suffered from a discharge. He instructed her to get undressed and lie down on the examining table. She did so, the doctor put on rubber gloves and began to massage her 'private parts'. After a couple of minutes he asked "How does that feel?" "Wonderful" she replied "but the discharge is from my ear".

====================

In bed with my Chinese girlfriend I happened to remark that her fanny seemed to be getting bigger. She went mad and said "You always clittysizing"
..
Mother Superior calls all the nuns together and says to them "I must tell you something. We have a case of gonorrhoea in the convent". "Thank God" says an elderly nun in the back. "I am so tired of chardonnay".

 

[colsy]

2015 stella awards

> 2015 STELLA AWARDS

> For those unfamiliar with these awards, they are named
after
> 81-year-old Stella Liebeck who spilled hot coffee
on herself
> and successfully sued the McDonald's in New
Mexico, where
> she purchased coffee. You remember, she
took the lid off the
> coffee and put it between her knees
while she was driving.
> Who would ever think one could get
burned doing that, right?
>
> That's right;
these are awards for the most outlandish lawsuits
> and
verdicts in the U.S. You know, the kinds of cases that make

> you scratch your head. So keep your head scratcher handy.

>
> Here are the Stella's for 2015!!!!
>
>
>

> * SEVENTH PLACE *
>
> Kathleen Robertson of
Austin, Texas was awarded $80,000
> by a jury of her peers
after breaking her ankle tripping over a
> toddler who was
running inside a furniture store. The store
> owners were
understandably surprised by the verdict,
> considering the
running toddler was her own.
>
> Start
scratching!
>
> * SIXTH PLACE *
>

> Carl Truman, 19, of Los Angeles, California won $74,000
plus
> medical expenses when his neighbour ran over his hand
with
> a Honda Accord. Truman apparently didn't notice
there was
> someone at the wheel of the car when he was
trying to steal
> his neighbour's hubcaps.
>

> Scratch some more...
>
>
> * FIFTH PLACE *

>
> Terrence Dickson, of Bristol, Pennsylvania,
who was leaving a
> house he had just burglarized by way of
the garage. Unfortunately
> for Dickson, the automatic
garage door opener malfunctioned and
> he could not get the
garage door to open. Worse, he couldn't
> re-enter the
house because the door connecting the garage to
> the house
locked when Dickson pulled it shut. Forced to sit for
>
eight, count 'em, EIGHT days and survive on a case of Pepsi

> and a large bag of dry dog food, he sued the homeowner's

> insurance company claiming undue mental Anguish.
Amazingly,
> the jury said the insurance company must pay
Dickson $500,000
> for his anguish. We should all have this
kind of anguish.
>
> Keep scratching. There are more...

>
> Double head scratching after this one..

>
> * FOURTH PLACE *
>
> Jerry
Williams, of Little Rock, Arkansas, garnered 4th Place in the

> Stella's when he was awarded $14,500 plus medical expenses
after
> being bitten on the butt by his next door
neighbour's beagle - even
> though the beagle was on a
chain in its owner's fenced yard.
> Williams did not get
as much as he asked for because the jury
> believed the
beagle might have been provoked at the time of the
> butt
bite because Williams had climbed over the fence into the yard

> and repeatedly shot the dog with a pellet gun.

>
> Pick a new spot to scratch, you're getting a
bald spot.
>
>
> * THIRD PLACE *
>
>
Amber Carson of Lancaster, Pennsylvania because a jury ordered

> a Philadelphia restaurant to pay her $113,500 after she
slipped on
> a spilled soft dink and broke her tailbone.
The reason the soft drink
> was on the floor: Ms. Carson
had thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds
> earlier during
an argument.
>
> Only two more so ease up on
the scratching...
>
>
> *SECOND PLACE*

>
>
> Kara Walton, of Claymont,
Delaware sued the owner of a night
> club in a nearby city
because she fell from the bathroom window to
> the floor,
knocking out her two front teeth. Even though Ms.
> Walton
was trying to sneak through the ladies room window to avoid

> paying the $3.50 cover charge, the jury said the night
club had to pay
> her $12,000...oh, yeah, plus dental
expenses.
> Go figure.
>
> Ok. Here
we go!!
>
>
> * FIRST PLACE * ~
absolutely brilliant!
>
>
> This year's runaway
First Place Stella Award winner was: Mrs. Merv
> Grazinski,
of Oklahoma City, Oklahoma, who purchased new 32-foot
>
Winnebago motor home. On her first trip home, from an OU football

> game, having driven on to the freeway, she set the cruise
control at
> 70 mph and calmly left the driver's seat to go
to the back of
> the Winnebago to make herself a sandwich.
Not surprisingly, the motor
> home left the freeway, crashed
and over turned. Also not surprisingly,
> Mrs. Grazinski
sued Winnebago for not putting in the owner's manual
> that
she couldn't actually leave the driver's seat while the cruise
control
> was set. The Oklahoma jury awarded her, ** ARE
YOU SITTING DOWN ? **
>
> ** $1,750,000
PLUS a new motor home. **
>
> Winnebago actually changed
their manuals as a result of this suit, just
> in case Mrs.
Grazinski has any relatives who might also buy a motor home.

 

[Pimped up vario]

Shot at dawn for judges and perpetrators. Is that a bit harsh? Okay then, bring back the birch.

 

[colsy]

Coffee and testicles

A guy goes into the Centre Link Office to apply for a job.


The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"


He replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee."


"Ok, Have you ever been in the military service?"


"Yes," he says, "I was in Afghanistan for one tour."


The interviewer says, "That will give you five extra points toward employment."



Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"


The guy says, "Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles."


The interviewer grimaces and then says, "Disabled in your country's service.

Well, that qualifies for extra bonus points. Okay.

Looking at the regulations you have got enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8:00 a.m. to 4:00 p.m. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 am, and plan on starting at 10:00 am every day.


" The guy is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 PM, why don't you want me here until 10:00 am?"


"This is a government job," the interviewer says. "For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that."

 

[colsy]

Trucker breakfast

A trucker came into a truck stop cafe and placed his order. He said, "I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and pair of running boards."

The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the kitchen and said to the cook, "This guy out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards. What does he think this place is, an auto parts store?"

"No," the cook said. "Three flat tires mean three pancakes, a pair of headlights is two eggs sunny side up, and running boards are 2 slices of crisp bacon."

"Oh, OK!" said the blonde. She thought about it for a moment and then spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer.

The trucker asked, "What are the beans for, Blondie?"

I LOVE THIS ONE...........
She replied, "I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires, headlights and running boards, you might as well gas up!"

FOR ONCE THE BLONDE GETS EVEN!

 

[colsy]

Joke of the Year

A Syrian arrives in London as a new immigrant to Great Britain.

He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says, "Thank you Mr. Britishman, for letting me come into this country,
giving me housing, Income support, free medical care, free housing and a free education!”

The passer-by says, "You are mistaken, I am Egyptian.”

The man goes on and encounters another passer-by. "Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in Great Britain.”

The person says, "I not British, I am Pakistani.”

The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand, and says, "Thank you for wonderful country Great Britain!”

That person puts up his hand and says, "I am from Afghanistan. I am not British.”

He finally sees a nice lady and asks, "Are you a British woman?”

She says, "No, I am from Africa." Puzzled, he asks her, "Where are all the British?”

The African lady checks her watch and says, "Probably at work.”

 

[colsy]

Charm school

Two well-dressed ladies happened to start up a conversation
during an endless wait in the Brisbane Airport Terminal.

The first lady was an arrogant lady from NSW married to a wealthy business
man.

The second was a well-mannered elderly woman from Mount Isa , Queensland

After a little while the NSW woman started by saying, "When my first child
was born,
my husband built a beautiful mansion for me."

The lady from Mount Isa commented, "Well, isn't that fantastic?"

The first woman continued, "When my second child was born,
my husband bought me a beautiful Mercedes-Benz."

Again the lady from Mount Isa commented, "Well, isn't that fantastic?"

The first woman went on, "Then, when my third child was born,
my husband bought me this exquisite diamond bracelet."

Yet again, the Mount Isa lady commented, "Well, isn't that fantastic?"

The first woman then asked, "What did your husband buy
for you when you had your first child?"

"My husband sent me to charm school," declared the Mount Isa lady.

"Charm school?" the first woman cried,
"Oh, my Lord! What could they teach you??"

The Mount Isa lady responded, "Well as an example ...
instead of saying, "Who gives a ****"
I learned to say, "Well, isn't that fantastic?"

 

[colsy]

What is your Indian Name ?

A little American Indian boy asked his father, the Chief of the tribe:
“Father, why is it we always have long names, while white men have
short names like Bill, Tex or Sam?"

"My son", replied his father, "Our names represent a symbol, a sign,
or a poem in our culture; not like the white men who live all together
and merely repeat their names from generation to generation.

For example, your sister's name is Small Romantic Moon Over The Lake
because on the night she was born, there was a beautiful moon
reflected in the lake

Then there's your brother, White Horse of the Prairies -because he was
born on a day that the big white horse who gallops over the prairies
appeared near our camp and is a symbol of our capacity to live and of
the life force of our people. It's really very simple and easy to
understand”.

"Do you have any other questions for me, Little Broken Condom Made In China?

 

[colsy]

What is Confidence ?

A ​Marine​ walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman.

He gives her a quick glance then casually looks at his new Apple watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

"No," he replies, "just got this state-of-the-art Apple watch, and I was just testing it.”

The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?”

He says, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically.”



The lady says, "What's it telling you now?”

"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties.”

The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!”

The ​Marine ​ smirks, taps his watch and says, "Darn thing's an hour fast.”





And that, my friends…….is Confidence!

 

[colsy]

Python for Sale

This blonde wanted to sell her pet python, so she listed it on eBay.

A bloke rang up and asked if it was big.

She said, "It's massive."

He said, “How many feet?"

She said, “None, it's a f#*k*@g snake!!!"

 

[colsy]

Chinese Tour guide in Shanghai

I met a Chinese girl when I was in Shanghai , I asked her if she could escort me for a city tour and asked for her mobile number, so I could call her.

She got excited and said:
"sex sex sex, wan free sex for to-nigh"

Wow, I'm guessing this is how Chinese women express their hospitality!

But then, my friend interpreted it for me & told

me what she really said was:

666136429

 

[colsy]

New Panties

A frustrated wife buys a pair of crotch-less panties in an attempt to spice up her dead sex-life. She puts them on, together with a short skirt and sits on the sofa opposite her husband. At strategic moments she uncrosses her legs ... enough times that her husband finally asks, "Are you wearing crotch less panties?"

"Y-e-s," she answers with a seductive smile.

"Thank God - I thought you were sitting on the cat!"




Apparently, he never heard the gunshot.

 

[kazand]

Nice one