Funnies..sorry if some repeats !!
A woman went to her doctor for a follow-up visit after the doctor had
prescribed testosterone (a male hormone) for her. She was a little
worried about some of the side effects she was experiencing. "Doctor,
the hormones you've been giving me have really helped, but I'm afraid
that you're giving me too much. I've started growing hair in places that
I've never grown hair before". The doctor reassured her. "A little hair
growth is a perfectly normal side effect of testosterone. Just where has
this hair appeared?" "On my balls".
--
The pretty teacher was concerned with one of her eleven-year-old
students. Taking him aside after class one day, she asked "George, why
has your school work been so poor lately?" "I'm in love" the boy
replied. Holding back an urge to smile, she asked "With whom?" "With
you" he said. "But George" she said gently "don't you see how silly that
is? It's true that I would like a husband of my own someday. But I don't
want a child". "Oh, don't worry" the boy said reassuringly "I'll use a
rubber".
--
Q: What's blue and ****s old people?
A: Hypothermia.
--
Q: What is the definition of "making love"?
A: Something a woman does while a guy is ****ing her.
--
Q: What's so good about an Ethiopian blowjob?
A: You know she'll swallow.
--
Q: Why did God create yeast infections?
A: So women would know what it's like to live with an irritating c*nt
once in a while too.
--
7 people survive a shipwreck and are stranded on a deserted island. 6
guys and 1 woman. After some time they set up a schedule where the woman
has sex with a different guy each day. After a few months the woman gets
some tropical disease and dies.
Everything was fine after the first week,
the second week was slighty harder,
the third week was almost unbearable,
and the fourth week they had to bury her...
--
Two gay guys live next to a golf course, they sit outside everyday, and
try to pretend to get hit by golf balls. One day, a ball lands feet away
from them, so one of the gay guys dives on the ground. A big black guy
pokes his head through the bush, the other gay man yells, 'Look what you
did to my friend! We're gonna sue your ass off!!!' The black guy looks
at them in disgust and says, 'How about you suck my balls!' The gay mans
eyes light up and he yells 'Steve, wake up, he wants to settle out of
court!!'
--
A young honeymoon couple are booking in to their honeymoon suite.
The receptionist asks "Do you have reservations?"
The bride says "Well, I'm not too sure about taking it up the arse"
--
Little Willie had a gambling
problem. He'd bet on anything.
One day, Willie's father consulted his teacher. The teacher said "Mr
Gaines, I think I know
how to teach Willie a real lesson. We'll trap him
into a big wager that he'll lose". Willie's father agreed to co-operate
with the plan.
The next day at school, the teacher watched Willie making wagers with
the other children, and she said "Willie, I want you to remain after
class". When the others had left the classroom, Willie walked up to the
teacher. Before she could say a word, he said "Don't say it, Miss B - I
know what you're going to say, but you're a liar!"
"Willie!" the startled teacher said "What are you talking about?"
"You're a fake!" Willie continued. "How can I believe anything you tell
me? You've got this blond hair on top, but I've seen your bush and its
pitch black!"
Trying to keep her cool, the teacher said "Willie that isn't true".
"I'll bet a dollar it is!" Willie challenged.
The teacher saw her chance to teach Willie his lesson. "Make it five
dollars and you have a bet" she said. "You're on!"
Willie whipped out a five dollar bill. Before anyone could come into the
room, Miss B. dropped her panties, spread her legs, and showed Willie
that her pubic hair was as blond as the hair on top of her head. Willie
hung his head. "You win" he said, handing her the fiver.
Miss. B couldn't wait for him to leave so she could get to a phone to
call his father. She reported what had happened. "Mr. Gaines" she said
"I think we've finally taught him his lesson".
"The hell we have" the father muttered. "This morning Willie bet me ten
dollars that he'd see your ***** before the day was over!"
--
Desperate for work, Paul decides to accept a job offer mining deep in
Alaska. After a long journey he arrives at the mining camp, 200 miles
from civilisation. The camp is small, with only a handful of miners. He
promptly meets up with the manager, and asks what his duties are.
"Firstly, you work six days of the week, every day except Saturday. Your
primary duty is to
help clear out the rubble, and dump it into the rock
quarry down the road. The work isn't easy, but you will get used to it.
Also, you are on KP duty on Friday nights".
Morning comes, and Paul goes to work. The work is hard, but he is strong
enough that it isn't a real
problem. However, by the time Thursday comes
around, Paul is feeling kind of lonely. With the nearest women 200 miles
away, he can't imagine how the other miners endure from day to day. So,
he approaches the manager.
"What do you want?" asks the manager. "Well, the work itself is fine,
and I have no complaints about it, but... well sir, I wonder what the
other miners do for women around here?" "Ah. Say no more. Let me show
you something".
The manager leads Paul into the mine, and turns down an unfamiliar
passage. He continues on deeper into the mine into older and older
tunnels until he finally stops at the end of a tunnel which must be well
over a hundred years old. At the end is a barrel.
The manager says: "The other miners use this". "What?" "Well, you see
that knot hole? Try it out".
Paul is decidedly sceptical about the idea, but he is desperate, so he
gives it a shot. He absolutely can't believe the results. He practically
busts a nut! The best damned blow job he's ever gotten.
Well, Friday comes around, and the work is getting him down, so he goes
back to the barrel to try it again. Wow! This time the blow job is even
better than last time. Truly unbelievable!
So, after a long day, and KP duty that night, Paul sleeps in on
Saturday. He gets up at 11 and really feels great. He can't think of
much to do, so he heads off to visit the barrel. On his way to the mine,
he bumps into the manager, who asks him:
"What are you doing here?" "It's my day off". "Day off? Hell no! It's
your turn in the barrel".
--
Harry was delighted when he found a young woman who accepted his
proposal of marriage as he was sensitive about his wooden leg and a bit
afraid no one would have him. In fact, he couldn't bring himself to tell
his fiancée about his leg when he slipped the ring on her finger, nor
when she bought the dress, nor when they picked the time and place.
All he kept saying was "Darling, I've got a big surprise for you" at
which she blushed and smiled bewitchingly.
The wedding night came and went, and the young couple were at last alone
in their hotel room. "Now don't forget, Harry, you promised me a big
surprise" said the bride.
Unable to say a word, Harry turned out the lights, unstrapped his wooden
leg, slipped into bed, and placed his wife's hand on the stump. "Hmmmmm"
she said softly "that IS a surprise. But pass me the Vaseline and I'll
see what I can do!"
..........
A father comes home and asks where his son is. His wife replies that
he's downstairs playing with his new chemistry set. The father is
curious so he wanders down stairs to see what his son is doing. As he's
walking down the steps he hears a banging sound. When he gets to the
bottom he sees his son pounding a nail into the wall.
"What are you doing?" he says "I thought you were playing with your
chemistry set. Why are you hammering a nail into the wall?" His son
replied "This isn't a nail, dad, it's a worm. I put these chemicals on
it and it became hard as a rock".
His dad thought about it for a minute and said "I'll tell you what son,
give me those chemicals and I'll give you a new Volkswagen". His son
quite naturally said "Sure why not".
The next day his son went into the garage to see his new car. Parked in
the garage was a brand new Mercedes. Just then his dad walked in. He
asked his father where his Volkswagen was. His dad replied "It's right
there behind the Mercedes. By the way, the Mercedes is from your mother".
..........
So this guy wants to have a luau. He needs a pig for a luau, so he goes
to a pig farm and asks the farmer for a twenty-pound pig.
The farmer goes into the pen, searches around awhile. He picks up a pig,
puts the tail in his mouth, and begins swinging the pig around for a few
seconds. He puts the pig down, and says "Nope, not quite twenty pounds".
He picks up another, puts the tail in his mouth, swings the pig around
awhile, and declares "This one's twenty pounds!" He brings the pig out,
and the man says in a shocked tone "You can't weigh a pig like that!"
"Sure I can" said the farmer "Watch this". He called his son over and
asked him to weigh the pig.
The boy came over, picked up the pig, put its tail in his mouth, and
swung it around awhile. He put the pig down and said "This one weighs
twenty pounds".
The man still looked perplexed, so the farmer told the boy to get his
mother so that she can weigh the pig. After five minutes, the boy
returned alone. "She can't come out just yet" the boy said. "She's
weighing the mailman".
..........
There are these two friends, a white guy and a black guy. One evening,
they're in a bar arguing over which of them can have sex the most times
in one night. They decide to settle the issue by going to the local
*****house and gathering experimental evidence, as it were.
So they get to the *****house, pair off with a couple of the ladies, and
go to their respective rooms. The white guy energetically balls his
***** and, reaching up with a pencil, makes a "1" mark on the wall. Then
he falls asleep.
He wakes up in a couple of hours and screws the ***** again, albeit a
little less enthusiastically this time. Again, he reaches back and marks
a "1" on the wall.
Again, he falls asleep. He wakes up again in a couple of hours and
lethargically humps the hooker again. He drowsily marks another "1" on
the wall and falls asleep for the rest of the night.
The next morning, the black guy barges into the white guy's room to see
how he did. He takes one look at the wall and exclaims "A hundred and
eleven?! You beat me by three!"
.........
Two friends meet in the office. One of them, a notorious techno-geek.
"Hey, bud, how are ya?" "I'm good. Congratulations, that new secretary
of yours is beautiful!" "Well, I'm glad you like her. Believe it or not,
she's a robot!"
"No way, how could that be?" "Way! She's the latest model from Japan.
Lemme tell you how she works. If you squeeze her left tit, she takes
dictation. If you squeeze her right tit, she types a letter. And that's
not all, she can have sex, too!" "Holy ****! You're kidding, right?"
"No, she's something, huh? Tell you what, you can even borrow her".
So, his friend takes her into the restroom and is in there with her for
a while. Suddenly, he hears him screaming "Eeeeyaaaaa! Heeelp" Ooooooh!
Aaaaaaah! Eeeeeeeeeeeaaargghhhh!"
The guy says "****! I forgot to tell him her ass is a pencil sharpener!"
.................
Three nuns passed every day through a street that led them from Church
to a Reformatory. They noticed a parrot that stood at the entrance of a
big residential house. Every time they passed in front of that house,
the bird would pronounce three sequential colours.
One day, they heard "Yellow, blue, black". One of the nuns noticed that
those colours perfectly matched the colours of their underwear. She
mentioned her discovery to the other two nuns, but both were reluctant
to believe that could be possible.
The next day, they all wore black underwear and passed in front of the
house, and very precisely the parrot spoke "Black, black, black".
Hearing that, the three nuns were astonished!! One of the nuns spoke up:
"Girls, tomorrow we are going to trick that bird". Saying that, she
recommended that the next day, none of them should wear ANY underwear
under their vestments.
Respecting their agreement, next day they wore no underwear and
proceeded to pass in front of the parrot's house. They peeked at the
bird. At the beginning, the parrot looked a bit puzzled. He swung back
and forth on the cane he was perched on.
Then, after a while, the Parrot spoke "Straight, straight, curly!"
..................
The doctor took the husband in first. The husband was a bit embarrassed
and told the doctor he had trouble getting an erection with his wife and
she was getting frustrated. He checked his blood pressure and other
things then said he was going to check with the wife.
He took her to another cubicle and asked her to disrobe. Then he told
her to turn all the way around slowly. She did as instructed. He then
told her to turn all the way around in the other direction.
Then he said - "Okay good - you can get dressed now, and I will talk to
your husband".
The doctor went back to the other cubicle and said to the husband "Well,
you can relax, there is nothing wrong with you. I couldn't get an
erection either".
..................
Fresh from her shower, a woman stands in front of the mirror,
complaining to her husband that her breasts are too small. Instead of
his standard response of reassuring her that that wasn't the case, her
husband uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion.
"If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet
paper and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds." Willing to try
anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper and stands in front
of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts.
"How long will this take?" she asks. "They'll grow larger over a period
of years," he replies. The wife stops "Why do you think rubbing a piece
of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts grow
over the years?" He shrugged and said, "Worked for your arse, didn't it?"
