A few more laughs ....

[colsy]

Sunday Funnies

A recently widowed Jewish lady, was sitting on a beach towel at Cocoa Beach, Florida. She looked up and noticed that a man her age had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand nearby and began reading a book.
Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him. "Hello, sir, how are you?" "Fine, thank you" he responded, and turned back to his book.
"I love the beach. Do you come here often?" she asked. "First time since my wife passed away last year" he replied, and again turned back to his book.
"Do you live around here?" she asked. "Yes, I live over in Suntree" he answered, and then resumed reading.
Trying to find a topic of common interest, Sarah persisted. "Do you like pussycats?" With that, the man threw his book down, jumped off his blanket onto hers, tore off both their swimsuits and gave her the most passionate ride of her life!
As the cloud of sand began to settle, Sarah gasped and asked the man "How did you know that was what I wanted?" The man replied "How did you know my name was Katz?"
..............

An elderly woman walked into the Royal Bank of Ireland one morning with a purse full of money. She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money.
After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always right) an employee took the elderly woman to the president's office.
The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She placed her purse on his desk and replied, '$165,000'.
The president was curious and asked her how she had been able to save so much money . The elderly woman replied that she made bets.
The president was surprised and asked, 'What kind of bets?'
The elderly woman replied, 'Well, I bet you $25,000 that your testicles are square.'
The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was impossible to win a bet like that.
The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the president and said, 'Would you like to take my bet?'
'Certainly', replied the president. 'I bet you $25,000 that my testicles are not square.'
'Done', the elderly woman answered. 'But given the amount of money involved, if you don't mind I would like to come back at 10 ' clock tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness.' 'No problem', said the president of the Bank confidently.
That night, the president became very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of the mirror examining his testicles, turning them this way and that, checking them over again and again until he was positive that no one could consider his testicles as square and reassuring himself that there was no way he could lose the bet.
The next morning at exactly 10 o'clock the elderly woman arrived at the president's office with her lawyer and acknowledged the $25,000 bet made the day before that the president's testicles were square.
The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one made the day before. Then the elderly woman asked him to drop his pants etc. so that she and her lawyer could see clearly.
The president was happy to oblige.
The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and asked
the president if she could touch them. 'Of course', said the president. 'Given the amount of money involved, you should be 100% sure.'
The elderly woman did so with a little smile. Suddenly the president noticed that the lawyer was banging his head against the wall. He asked the elderly woman why he was doing that and she replied, 'Oh, it's probably because I bet him $100,000 that around 10 o'clock in the morning I would be holding the balls of the President of the Royal Bank of Ireland.'

....................

ATTENTION ALL MEN!

Do you want a partner who will:

1. ALWAYS be happy to see you.
2. Follow you around the house serving you when you want them to but stay in their place when your at the pub.
3. NOT spend all your money
4. Not moan if you bring others into the relationship.
5. Be easy to turn on... even with just one finger
6. Be replaceable when worn out and suck your **** on demand.

Then head over to Homebase - The big Henry sale starts today.

......................

These are genuine clips from council complaint letters:

1. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.

2. He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore.

3. it's the dog mess that I find hard to swallow.

4. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.

5. I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly then he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.

6. And their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.

7. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.

8. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?

9. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.

10. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path? My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.

11. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.

12. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and 50% are plain filthy.

13. I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.

14. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.

15. Will you please send a man to look at my water; it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.

16. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.

17. I want to complain about the farmer across the road; every morning at 6am his **** wakes me up and its now getting too much for me.

18. The man next door has as large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.

19. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third, so please send someone round to do something about it.

20. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.

21. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.

22. I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times but I still have no satisfaction.

23. This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can't get BBC2.

...........................

DATING AROUND THE WORLD


WHITE WOMEN:
First date: You get to kiss her goodnight.
Second Date: You get to grope all over and make out a bit.
Third date: You get to have sex but only when she wants to and only in the missionary position.

SCOTTISH WOMEN:
First date: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
Second Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
20th Anniversary: You both get blind drunk and have sex.

ITALIAN WOMEN:
First date: You take her to a play and an expensive restaurant.
Second Date: You meet her parents and her Mom makes spaghetti & meatballs.
Third date: You have sex, she wants to marry you & insists on a 3-carat ring.
5th Anniversary: You already have 5 kids together & hate the thought of having sex.
6th Anniversary: You find yourself a Mistress.

CHINESE WOMEN:
First date: You get to buy her an expensive dinner but nothing happens.
Second Date: You buy her an even more expensive dinner. Nothing happens again.
Third date: You don't even get to the third date and you realize nothing is ever going to happen.

INDIAN WOMEN:
First date: Meet her parents.
Second Date: Set the date of the wedding.
Third date: Wedding night.

BLACK WOMEN:
First date: You get to buy her a real expensive dinner.
Second Date: You get to buy her and her girlfriends a real expensive dinner.
Third date: You get to pay her rent.
Tenth Date: She's pregnant by someone other than you

MEXICAN WOMEN:
First date: You buy her an expensive dinner, get drunk on Tequila, and have sex in the back of her car.
Second Date: She's pregnant.
Third date: She moves in. One week later, her mother, father, her two sisters, her brother, all of their kids, her grandma, her sister's boyfriend and his three kids move in and you live on rice and beans for the rest of your life in your home that used to be nice, but now looks like a home along the Tijuana strip.

JEWISH WOMEN:
First date: You spend all your money to impress her.
Second Date: You take a loan to keep the image.
Third date: You're broke, she finds someone wealthier.

ARAB WOMEN:
First date: Mother, Father, Brothers, Sisters, Cousins, Aunts, Uncles, Friends and entire Arab community finds out.
Second Date: You are shot dead in the street and your balls are fed to the goats.
No Third date:

The point? DON'T YOU JUST LOVE SCOTTISH WOMEN!?

----------------------

A virile, middle aged Italian gentlemen named Guido was relaxing at his favourite bar in Rome when he managed to attract a spectacular young blond woman.

Things progressed to the point where he led her back to his apartment and, after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he rattled her senseless.

After a pleasant interlude, he asked with a smile, "So, you finish?"

She paused for a second, frowned, and replied. "No."

Surprised, Guido reached for her and the rattling resumed.

This time she thrashed about wildly and there were screams of passion. The sex finally ended and, again, Guido smiled and asked, "You finish?"

Again, after a short pause, she returned his smile, cuddled closer to him and softly said, "No."

Stunned, but damned if he was going to leave this woman unsatisfied, Guido reached for the woman yet again.

Using the last of his strength, he barely managed it, but they ended together screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets.

Exhausted, Guido fell onto his back, gasping. Barely able to turn his head, he looked into her eyes, smiled proudly and asked again, "You finish?"

Barely able to speak, the beautiful blonde whispered in his ear.....

"No, I Norwegian."

-----------------------

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life,
between the legs of me wife!"

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of the night."

She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?" John said, "Here's to spending
the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."

"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner.

The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub
with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only
been in there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time
I had to pull him by the ears to make him come !

----------------------

 

[colsy]

Only in Australia

Drunk Driver - True story from Australia

Only an Aussie could pull this one off! A true story from Mount Isa in Queensland

Recently a routine Police patrol car parked outside a local neighbourhood pub late in the evening.
The officer noticed a man (Luke Sandery) leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk.

The man stumbled around the car park for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing.
After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five vehicles.
The man managed to find his car, which he fell into.
He was there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off.
Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine dry night), then flicked the indicators on, then off, tooted the horn and then switched on the lights.

He moved the vehicle forward a few metres, reversed a little and then remained stationary for a few more minutes as some more vehicles left.
At last he pulled out of the car park and started to drive slowly down the road.
The Police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, pulled the man over and carried out a breathalyser test.

To his amazement the breathalyser indicated no evidence of the man's intoxication.

The Police officer said "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the Police station - this breathalyser equipment must be broken."

"I doubt it," said the man, "tonight I'm the designated Decoy"

 

[carpachio]

Teacher: "Kids,what does the chicken give you?"
Student: "Meat!"
Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"
Student: "Bacon!"
Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"
Student: "Homework!"

hehehehszki

 

[colsy]

Pervert Story

Phone rings, woman answers.

A pervert, with heavy breathing, says, "I bet you have a tight ass
with no hair?"

Woman replies, "Yes I do, he's watching golf - who shall I say is calling?

 

[colsy]

The New Boss

Have you ever worked for a boss who reacts before getting the facts and thinking things through?


A large steel company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO.

The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.

On a tour of the facilities, he noticed a guy leaning against a wall.

The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business.

He asked the guy, "How much money do you make a week?"

A little surprised, the young man looked at him and said, "I make £300 a week. Why?"

The CEO said, "Wait right here."

He walked back to his office, came back in two minutes, and handed the guy £1,200 in cash and said, "Here's four weeks' pay.

Now GET OUT and don't come back."

Feeling pretty good about himself the CEO looked around the room and asked,

"Does anyone want to tell me what that pillock did here?"

From across the room a voice said, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's."

 

[colsy]

Loving Judy

"Judy married Ted; they had 13 children. Ted died of cancer. She married again, and she & Bob had 7 more children. Bob was killed in a car accident, 12 years later. Judy remarried again, ,.... And this time, she & John had 5 more children.
Judy finally died, after having 25 children. Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her. He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said, "Lord, they are finally together."
Ethel leaned over and quietly asked her best friend, Margaret: "Do you think he means her first, second, or third husband?" Margaret replied:.... "I think he means her legs, Ethel...""

 

[colsy]

Drive to school
Grannies & Grandads.

Ever wondered what the difference between Grannies and Grandads is?

A 5 year old granddaughter is usually taken to school, daily, by her grandfather.

One day when he had a bad cold, Granny took the grandchild to school.

That night the little girl told her parents that the ride to school with granny was very different than with Grandad !!

"What made it different?" asked her parents:

"Granny and I didn't see a single ******, blind *******, ******** or ****** anywhere on the way to school today!"

How Odd!!!!

 

[colsy]

Funnies

There was a man who wanted a pure wife. So he started to attend church to find a woman. He met a gal who seemed nice so he took her home. When they got there, he whips out his manhood and asks "What's this?" She replies "A ****." He thinks to himself that she is not pure enough.

A couple of weeks later he meets another gal and soon takes her home. Again, he pulls out his manhood and asks the question. She replies "A ****". He is pissed because she seemed more pure than the first but oh well.

A couple of weeks later he meets a gal who seems real pure. She won't go home with him for a long time but eventually he gets her to his house. He whips it out and asks, "What is this?" She giggles and says "A pee-pee" He thinks to himself that he has finally found his woman.

They get married but after several months every time she sees his member she giggles and says "That's your pee-pee." He finally breaks down and says "Look this is not a pee-pee, it is a ****."

She laughs and says "No it's not, a **** is ten inches long and black."
..........
Mrs. Jones gets a call from the hospital. They tell her that
her husband's been in a terrible automobile accident. She
rushes to the hospital, runs into the ER and says her husband's
been in an accident. They tell her Dr. Smith is handling the
case. They page the doctor. He comes out into the waiting room
to see a terribly upset Mrs. Jones.

"Mrs. Jones?" the doctor asks.

"Yes, doctor, what's happened? How is my husband?"

The doctor sits next to her and says, "Not good news, I'm
afraid. Your husband's accident resulted in two fractures of
his spine."

"Oh my God!" says Mrs. Jones, "What is the prognosis?"

"Well, Mrs. Jones, the good news is his vital signs are stable.
However, his spine is inoperable. He'll have no motor skills
or capability. This means you will have to feed him."

Mrs. Jones begins to sob...

"And you'll have to turn him in his bed every two hours to
prevent pneumonia."

Mrs. Jones begins to wail and cry loudly...

"Then, of course," the doctor continued, "you'll have to diaper
him as he'll have no control over his bladder and, of course,
these diapers must be changed at least five times a day."

Mrs. Jones begins to shake as she cries, sobs, wails... The
doctor continues:

"And you'll have to clean up his feces on a regular basis,
as he'll have no control over his sphincters. His bowels will
engorge whenever and quite often, I'm afraid. Of course, you
must clean him immediately to avoid accumulation of the putrid
effluent he'll be emitting regularly."

Now Mrs. Jones is convulsing, sobbing uncontrollably and
beginning to wither off the bench into a sobbing pitiful mass.

Just then, Dr. Smith reaches out his hand, pats Mrs. Jones on
the shoulder, and says,

"Hey, I'm just ****in' with you. He's dead."
............
A woman was in a coma. Nurses were in her room giving her a sponge bath. One of
them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a response on the
monitor when she touched her.

They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, "Crazy as
this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the
coma."

The husband was skeptical, but they assured him that they'd close the curtains
for privacy. The hubby finally agreed and went into his wife's room. After a few
minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate.

The nurses ran into the room. " What happened?" they cried.

The husband said, "I guess she choked."
,,,,,,,,,,,,,
1. What is the area between the vagina and the anus called? A chin rest.

2. One day a boy asks his dad, "What's the difference between a ***** and a cvnt?" Dad thought for a minute and said, "Come with me." He took his son to his mother's bedroom, where she was sleeping nude. "Son," he whispered, "see that brown soft furry patch? That is a *****." The boy asked, "May I touch it to see how soft and furry it is?" "No!" replied his father. "That might wakeup the cvnt."
............
A guy and his wife are at a nude beach for the first time, after being a little apprehensive at first, the wife begins to relax a bit. She lays her legs flat and spreads them wide, all of the sudden she sees a bee fly into her vagina. Being allergic to bees she freaks out and awakens her husband, they immediately rush to the hospital. Once at the hospital, a doctor examines her and says "I'm going to put a little honey on my finger and try to lure him out." After a few minutes with no luck he tells the husband, "I need something a bit longer and wider, so I'm going to use my penis", the husband argues a bit but is assured by the doctor that it is purely a medical procedure and he will derive no joy out of it. The husbands goes down the hall to get a cup of coffee and comes back ten minutes later. He walks in on the doctor rigorously ****ing his wife, and says "I thought you were just gonna stick it in to get the bee out" and the doctor replies "That didn't work so now I'm gonna drown the son of a bitch!"
.................
President Bush decides to take a break and go out to sit in a local bar. A guy walks in and asks the barman, 'Isn't that President Bush sitting at the end of the bar?'

The bartender says, 'Yep, that's him.' So the guy walks over and says, 'Wow, this is a real honor! What are you doing in here?'

Bush says, ' I'm planning WW III.'
Then the guy says, 'Really? What's going to happen?'

Bush says, 'Well, I'm going to kill 140 million Muslims and one blonde with big tits.

The guy exclaimed, 'A blonde with big tits?
Why kill a blonde with big tits?'

Bush turns to the bartender and says,

'See, I told you, no one gives a fvck about the 140 million Muslims.'
.............
A salesman knocks at the door of a home and it's answered by Little Johnny with a cigar in one hand and a half empty bottle of scotch in the other.

The salesman asks the boy, "Excuse me son, but is your mom or dad in?"

The boy replies, "Does it ****ing look like it?"
..........
A young couple was out carousing one evening. While driving down the highway, the guy says to the girl, "If I go 100 miles and hour, will you take off all your clothes?" She agrees and he begins to speed up.

When the speedometer hits 100 she starts to strip. When she gets all her clothes off, he is so busy staring at her that he drives off the road and flips the car over.

The girl is thrown clear without a scratch but her clothes and her boyfriend are trapped in the car. "Go get help," he pleads.

She replies, "I can't, I'm naked."

He points to his shoe that was thrown clear and says, "Cover your crotch with that and go get help from that gas station down the road."

She takes the shoe, covers herself between the legs, and runs to the gas station down the road. When she arrives, she is frantic and yells to the attendant, "Help! Help! My boyfriend's stuck!"

The attendant looks down at the shoe covering her crotch and replies with some astonishment, "I think it's too late- he's too far in!"
-------------------
Three guys were on a trip to Saudi Arabia. One day, they stumbled into a harem tent filled with over 100 beautiful women. They started getting friendly with all the women, when suddenly the Sheik came in.

"I am the master of all these women! No one else can touch them except me! You three men must pay for what you have done today. You will be punished in a way corresponding to your profession".

The sheik turns to the first man and asks him what he does for a living. "I'm a cop" says the first man. "Then we will shoot your penis off!" said the sheik.

He then turned to the second man and asked him what he did for a living. "I'm a firemen" said the second man. "Then we will burn your penis off!" said the sheik.

Finally, he asked the last man "And you, what do you do for a living?" And the third man answered, with a sly grin "I'm a lollipop salesman!"
.........
So, there are three golfers, Bob, Max and Ted, who are looking for a fourth. Bob mentions that his friend George is a pretty good golfer, so they decide to invite him for the following Saturday.

"Sure, I'd love to play" says George "but I may be about ten minutes late, so wait for me".

So Saturday rolls around. Bob, Max, and Ted arrive promptly at 9:00 and find George already waiting for them. He plays right-handed and beats them all. Quite pleased with their new fourth, they ask him if he'd like to play again the following Saturday.

"Yeah, sounds great" says George. "But I maybe about ten minutes late, so wait for me".

The following Saturday, again, all four golfers show up on time, but this time George plays left-handed and beats them all. So they're getting ready to leave, George says "See you next Saturday, but I may be about ten minutes late, so wait for me".

Every week, George is right on time and plays great with whichever hand he decides to use. And every week, he departs with the same message.

After a couple months, Ted is pretty tired of this routine, so he says "Wait a minute, George. Every week you say you may be about ten minutes late, but you're right on time. You beat us either left-handed or right-handed. What's the story?"

"Well" George says "I'm kind of superstitious. When I get up in the morning, I look at my wife. If she's sleeping on her left side, I play left-handed, and if she's sleeping on her right side, I play right-handed".

"So what do you do if she's sleeping on her back?" Bob asks. "Well... That's when I'm about ten minutes late".
................
A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.

"What troubles you, Sister?" asked the Mother Superior. "I thought this was the day you spent with your family". "It was" sighed the Sister. "And I went to play golf with my brother Syd Reed. I play better than he does but we try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ".

"I seem to recall that" the Mother Superior agreed. "So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?" "Far from it" snorted the Sister. "In fact, I even took the Lord's name in vain today!""Goodness, Sister!" gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. "You must tell me all about it!"

"Well, we were on the fifth tee... and this hole is a monster, Mother - 540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg right and a hidden green... and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it! The sweetest swing I ever made. And its flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted... and it hits a bird in mid-flight!"

"Oh my!" commiserated the Mother. "How unfortunate! But surely that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!" "No, that wasn't it" admitted Sister. "While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!" "Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!" sympathised the Mother.

"But I didn't, Mother!" sobbed the Sister. "And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!" "So that's when you cursed" said the Mother with a knowing smile.

"Nope, that wasn't it either" cried the Sister, anguished "because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!"

Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said... "You missed the ****ing putt, didn't you?

-------------------------

A plastic surgeon invented a radical new face lift procedure and was explaining it to a prospective patient. He told her "I'll install a special screw in the top of your skull. Your hair will cover it so it will be unnoticed. Whenever you need a little tuck, we'll just tighten the screw a little... and the wrinkles will disappear!" The woman was enthused and told the doctor to "GO FOR IT!" The surgery was a resounding success, and the woman went home happy. A few months later, the woman returned in a great state of agitation. She pointed to her face and said "Just look at these bags under my eyes! Where the hell did they come from?" The surgeon looked at her closely and said "Those aren't BAGS under your eyes. Those are your breasts. And if you keep messing around with that screw... pretty soon you'll have a goatee!"
--
Doctor Watson was told by Sherlock Holmes' gardener that there was a doubtful looking schoolgirl in Holmes' bedroom. Watson heard strange muffled sounds coming from the bedroom and, fearing that Holmes was in danger, broke down the door to find Holmes and the girl indulging in a 69. "Good God Holmes!" said Watson "What kind of a schoolgirl is this?" "Elementary, my dear Watson, elementary!"
--
"You'll be fine" the doctor said after finishing the young blonde woman's surgery. But, she asked "How long will it be before I am able to have a normal sex life again doctor?" The surgeon seemed to pause and his face reddened... as a small tear ran down his cheek from the corner of his eye. The blonde was alarmed. "What's the matter, doctor? I will be all right, won't I?" He replied "Yes, you'll be fine. It's just that no one has ever asked me that after having their tonsils out".
--
A city boy was visiting the country and wanted to go hunting. The farmer lent the boy his gun, telling him not to kill any farm animals. The city boy headed off and soon after saw a goat. He managed to creep into range and finally shot it. Not knowing anything about animals, the boy didn't know what he'd killed so he ran to the farmhouse and described his kill to the farmer. "It had two saggy tits, a beard, a hard head and it really smelled rotten!" said the boy. "Oh, ****!" said the farmer. "You've shot the wife!"

-------------------

 

[colsy]

Brave Man Jokes

>
> > I'm fed up with the excuses you women come up with to
> > avoid having sex, like:
> > "I'm tired." "I'm washing my
> > hair." "I've got a headache." ... I'm your sister-in-law.
> >
> >
> >
> >
>
> > A woman in labor is in pain and screaming
> > profanity at her husband from her hospital bed. He says, "Hey,
> > don't blame me! I wanted to stick it in your ass, but N-O-O-O-O, you said
> > that might hurt!
> >
> >
> >
> > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> >
>
> >
> > I spent $5,000 on a boob job for the wife. She was
> > delighted. I spent
> > another $2,000 on a nose job for her. She was
> > ecstatic. I spent
> > $2,000 on liposuction for her and she
> > couldn't thank me enough. But
> > I spend 50 bucks on a blowjob for myself and she
> > goes ****ing nuts! Women, I can't figure them out.
> >
> >
> >
> >
>
> >
> > A mother in law said to her son's wife when
> > their baby was born, "I don't mean to be rude but he doesn't
> > look anything like my son." The daughter-in-law lifted her skirt and said,
> > "I don't mean to be rude either, but this is a *****, not a ****ing
> > photo-copier."
> >
> >
> >
>
> >
> > Dear
> >
> > Dr Phil:
> >
> > I was watching my next door neighbor's wife
> > sunbathing topless from my bedroom window. As I was jerking off, I turned
> > to notice my wife was just standing there, arms folded...watching me.
> > Is she a pervert or what?
> >
> >
> >
>
> >
> > A guy gets a call at work from the police telling
> > him that his house had been robbed. The offenders had also
> > consumed all of beer and had raped his wife. A moment of silence
> > passes, then the guy says, "I can't believe they ****ed
> > my wife after only five beers!"
> >
> >
> >
> > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>
> >
> > I received this text from my brother recently. It read,
>
>
>
> > "Can I stay at your house for a while? The ol' lady kicked
> > me out after she caught me measuring my ****. For what it's worth,
> > it reaches all the way to the back of her sister's
> > throat!"
> >
> >
> >
> > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> >
> >
> > Sorry for not calling you on New Year's, but I
> > just got out of jail. I was locked up for punching the **** out of this idiot at a
> > party. In my defense, when you hear an Arab counting Down from 10, your
>
> > instincts kick in.
> >
> >
>
> >
> > My wife just came in and said, "I don't
> > know if I'm coming or going."
> >
> > I said to her, "Judging by the look on your
> > face you're going, because
> > when you're coming, you look like a ****ing squirrel trying to whistle!"
> >
>
> >
> > I saw a fortune teller the other day. She told me
> > I would come into some money. Last night I ****ed a girl named
> > Penny. Is that spooky or what?
> >
> >
>
> >
> > The missus asked me, "When you're on a boys
> > only trip, do you think about me?"
> > Apparent "Only to stop myself from coming too
> > quickly!" ...wasn't the right answer.

 

[colsy]

Mexican Oysters
Big G stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around in Mexico.

While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, 'What is that you just served?'
The waiter replied, ‘Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are called Cojones de Toro, bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy! Big G said, ‘What the heck, bring me an order.' The waiter replied, ‘I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy.'
The next morning, Big G returned, placed his order, and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said, 'These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday.

The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, 'Si, Senor. Sometimes the bull wins.’

 

[Joe_3490]

Always Pay a kind compliment

Husband is walking behind his wife and says “ Your Bottom is getting so big it looks like an old washing machine.”
The woman keeps quiet and keeps walking.
Bedtime comes around and the husband starts getting frisky.
The wife says: “I’m not starting the old washing machine for such a small load, You’ll have to do it by hand.

 

[colsy]

B H jokes ...sorry for delay

A mother was getting out of the shower when her young son walked in.
He pointed at the area between her legs and said, "Mommy, what's that?"
Embarrassed, she replied, "That's where the Indian hit me with his
tomahawk."
The young boy replied, "Wow, right in the ****?!?"

==================

A husband and wife love to golf together, but neither of them are
playing like they want to, so they decide to take private lessons.

The husband has his lesson first. After the pro sees his swing, he says,
"No, no, no," you're gripping the club way too hard!"

"Well, what should I do?" asks the man.

"Hold the club gently," the pro replied, "just like you'd hold your
wife's breast."

The man takes the advice, takes a swing, and WOW! He hits the ball 250
yds. Straight up the fairway.

The man goes back to his wife with the good news, and the wife can't
wait for her lesson.



The next day the wife goes for her lesson. The pro watches her swing and
says, "No, no, no, you're gripping the club way too hard."

"What can I do?" asks the wife.

"Hold the club gently, just like you'd hold your husband's penis."

The wife listens carefully to the pro's advice, takes a swing, and
THUMP. The ball goes straight down the fairway.... about 15 ft.

"That was great," the pro says. "Now, take the club out of your mouth
and swing the club with your hands like you're supposed to!"

================

A Muslim woman was walking past a pub in Springburn one afternoon when a
drunk Glaswegian staggered out of the door.

He stared at the burkha-clad bint for a moment then laid into her,
knocking her to the ground and kicking seven shades of shite out of the
poor lass.

Finally, satisfied with his handiwork he looked down and muttered,

"You're no so feckin' hard noo, eh Batman ?"

================

A man from Liverpool, holidaying in the Netherlands decides to try out
one of the local brothels that he's heard so much about.

Looking for a cheap thrill he walks in and takes out the equivalent of
10 pounds and approaches the mistress and says "I've only got this much.
What can I get?" The mistress pauses, looks him up and down once and
gestures him to follow her. She takes him down a long, narrow hall,
unlocks a door and holds the door open for the man. He looks inside to
see a pig tied down in the middle of the room.

The man immediately thinks to himself "Great I get to **** a pig". She
closes the door and the man begins to pleasure himself with the pig.
Turns out it was actually pretty awesome.

A week later he decides to return to the same brothel but this time
holds out 5 pounds and asks "I've only got this much what can I get?"
Once again the mistress takes him down the same narrow hall but to a
different room where a room full of people are watching a couple have
sex through a one-way-glass-window.

The man, excitedly sits down on an empty seat and turns to a bloke
beside him and says "What a great country. For only 5 quid you can watch
a couple have sex". To which the bloke replied "That's nothing. Last
week we saw a guy **** a pig!"

================

It was time for Father John's Saturday night bath and the young nun,
Sister Magdalene, had prepared the bath water and towels just the way
the old nun had instructed.

Sister Magdalene was also instructed not to look at Father John's
nakedness if she could help it, do whatever he told her to do, and pray.

The next morning the old nun asked Sister Magdalene how the Saturday
night bath had gone.

'Oh, Sister,' said the young nun dreamily, 'I've been saved.'

'Saved ? And how did that come about ?' asked the old nun.

'Well, when Father John was soaking in the tub, he asked me to wash him,
and while I was washing him, he guided my hand down between his legs
where he said the Lord keeps the Keys to Heaven.'

'Did he now ?' said the old nun evenly.

Sister Magdalene continued, 'And Father John said that if the Key to
Heaven fitted my lock, the portals of Heaven would be opened to me and I
would be assured salvation and eternal peace. And then Father John
guided his Key to Heaven into my lock.'

'Is that a fact?' said the old nun more evenly.

'At first it hurt terribly, but Father John said the pathway to
salvation was often painful and that the glory of God would soon swell
my heart with ecstasy. And it did, it felt so good being saved.'

'That wicked old *******, said the old nun, He told me it was Gabriel's
horn, and I've been blowing it for 20 years !'

=================

Moishe Finkelstein goes into the Ritzy Glitz restaurant and treats
himself to a huge meal with lots of champagne, finishing up with a
Havana cigar. Finally the waiter brings the bill on a silver tray. It
comes to $99.99, so Moshe pays him with a $100.00 bill.

About five minutes later, he calls the waiter back and asks for his
change .Without altering his expression, the waiter leaves and returns a
moment later with the silver tray. On it is a penny and a pack of condoms.

Moishe is shocked, and demands an explanation.

The waiter lifts his nose in the air, and says: Sir, it is the policy of
our restaurant to encourage customers like you not to reproduce!

 

[colsy]

A Pharmacist's morning

Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife.
Tearfully she explained, “It’s the chemist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone. I had to call multiple times before he would even answer the phone.”
Immediately, the husband drove down to confront the chemist and demand an apology. Before he could say more than a sentence or two, the chemist told him, “Now, just a minute mate, listen to my side of it.”
“This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, just to realise that I’d locked the house with both house and car keys inside and had to break a window to get my keys.
“Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Later, when I was about three streets from the shop, I had a flat tyre.
"When I finally got to the shop, a number of people were waiting for me to open up. I got the shop opened and started serving these people, all the time the damn phone never stopped ringing.”
He continued, “Then I had to break open a bag of coins against the cash register drawer to give change and they spilled all over the floor, so I had to get down on my hands and knees to pick up the coins, and all the while the phone was still ringing.”

“When I stood up, I bumped my head hard on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with bottles of expensive perfumes on it. Half of them hit the floor and broke.
“Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got back to answer it.
“It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer.
“And believe me, mate, as God is my witness, all I did was tell her.”

 

[colsy]

Understanding English Hospitality

An American tourist in London decides to skip his tour group and explore the city

on his own. He wanders around, seeing the sights, and occasionally stopping at a

quaint pub to soak up the local culture, chat with the lads, and have a pint of Guinness.

After a while, he finds himself in a very high class neighborhood.....big, stately residences...

no pubs, no stores, no restaurants, and worst of all...NO PUBLIC RESTROOMS.

He really, really has to go, after all those Guinness’.

He finds a narrow side street, with high walls surrounding the adjacent

buildings and decides to use the wall to solve his problem.

As he is unzipping, he is tapped on the shoulder by a London Bobby,

who says, "I say, sir, you simply cannot do that here, you know."

"I'm very sorry, officer," replies the American, "but I really, really

HAVE TO GO, and I just can't find a public restroom."

"Ah, yes," said the bobby..."Just follow me".

He leads him to a back "delivery alley", then along a wall to a gate, which he opens.

"In there," points the bobby. "Whiz away sir, anywhere you want."

The fellow enters and finds himself in the most beautiful garden he has ever seen.

Manicured grass lawns, statuary, fountains, sculpted hedges, and huge beds of

gorgeous flowers, all in perfect bloom.

Since he has the cop's blessing, he unburdens himself and is greatly relieved.

As he goes back through the gate, he says to the bobby, "That was really

decent of you... is that what you call 'English Hospitality'?"

"No, sir" replies the bobby, "that is what we call the French Embassy."

 

[colsy]

Happy Hour

Four retired men are walking down a street in Brighton. They turn a corner and see a sign that says, "Retirees Bar - ALL drinks 20p".
They look at each other and then go in, thinking this is too good to be true.
The bartender says in a voice that carries across the room, "Come on in and let me pour one for you! What'll it be, gentlemen?"
There's a fully stocked bar, so each of the men orders a malt whisky. In no time the bartender serves up four malt whisky and says, "That'll be 20p each, please."
The four guys stare at the bartender for a moment, then at each other
They can't believe their good luck. They pay the 80p, finish their whiskies, and order another round.
Again, four excellent malt whisky are produced, with the bartender again saying, "That's 80p, please."
They pay, but their curiosity gets the better of them.
They've each had two malt whisky and haven't even spent £2 yet.
Finally one of them says, "How can you afford to serve malt whisky as good as these for 20p apiece?"
"When I retired" the bartender says, " I always wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the Euro millions Jackpot for £125 million and decided to open this place. Every drink costs 20p. Wine, spirits, beer, it's all the same."
"Wow! That's some story!" one of the men says.
As the four of them sip at their whisky, they can't help noticing seven other people at the end of the bar who don't have any drinks in front of them and haven't ordered anything the whole time they've been there.
Nodding at the seven at the end of the bar, one of the men asks the Bartender, "What's with them?"
The bartender says, "They're pensioners from Scotland......They're waiting for Happy Hour when drinks are half-price!"

 

[colsy]

Monday evening funnies ....

Sorry if you've seen some already

A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little
perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud "I wonder
what happened to this parrot?" The parrot replies "I was born this way.
I'm a defective parrot".

"WOW!" the guy exclaims. "You actually understood and answered me!" "I
got every word" says the parrot. "I happen to be a highly intelligent,
thoroughly educated bird".

"Oh yeah?" the guy asks "Then answer this. How do you hang onto your
perch without any feet?" "Well" the parrot says "this is very
embarrassing but since you asked, I wrap my todger around this wooden
bar like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers".

"Wow" says the guy "you really can understand and speak English, can't
you!?" "Actually, I speak both Spanish and English and I can converse
with reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion,
sports, physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology. You
really ought to buy me. I'd be a great companion".

The guy looks at the $200 price tag. "Sorry, but I just can't afford
that". "Pssssssst" says the parrot "I'm defective, so the truth is,
nobody wants me cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for
$20, just make the guy an offer!"

The guy offers $20 and walks out with the parrot. Weeks go by. The
parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humour, he's interesting,
he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathises, and he's
insightful.

The guy is delighted. One day the guy comes home from work and the
parrot goes "Psssssssssssst" and motions him over with one wing. "I
don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife
and the postman".

"What are you talking about?" asks the guy. "When the postman delivered
today, your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black nighty and
kissed him passionately".

"WHAT?!" the guy asks incredulously. "Then what happened?" "Well, then
the postman came into the house and lifted up her nighty and began
petting her all over" reported the parrot. "My God!" he exclaims. "Then
what?"

"Then he lifted up the nighty, got down on his knees and began to lick
her all over, starting with her breasts and slowly going down..."
"WELL???" demands the frantic guy "THEN WHAT
HAPPENED?"

"Damned if I know! I got a hard-on and fell off my perch!"

======================


I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill Apparently a
turban, beard and a backpack wasn't what they had in mind.

After a night of drink, drugs and wild sex,i woke up to find
myself next to a really ugly woman. That's when he realized i had
made it home safely.

Seven wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Paralympics after
they tested positive for WD40.

ITS A BOY" I shouted "A BOY, I DON'T BELIEVE IT, ITS A BOY".

And with tears streaming down my face I swore I'd never visit another
Thai Brothel!

Sailing results are in, GB took gold, USA took silver and Somalia took
a Middle aged couple from Weymouth

A boy asks his granny, 'Have you seen my pills, they were labelled
LSD?' Granny replies,f**k the pills, have you seen the dragons in the
kitchen?

Wife gets naked and asks hubby, 'What turns you on more, my pretty
face or my sexy body?' Hubby looks her up and down and replies, 'Your
sense of humour!

The wife's back on the warpath again.
She was up for making a sex movie last night, and all I did was
suggest we should hold auditions for her part.

I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next crap could
spell disaster.

My sister-in-law sat on my glasses and broke them. It was my own
fault. I should have taken them off.

I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night, or
"foreplay" as she likes to call it.

After both suffering from depression for a while, the wife and I were
going to commit suicide yesterday.
But strangely enough, once she killed herself, I started to feel a lot
better. So I thought, "Screw it, soldier on!"

I woke up this morning at 8 am, and could sense something was wrong. I
got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor,
not breathing! I panicked. I didn't know what to do. Then I remembered
McDonald's serves breakfast until 11:30 am.

i bought the missus a hamster skin coat last week. Took her to the fair
last night, and it took 3 hours to get her off the Ferris wheel.

The other night, my wife asked me how many women I'd slept with. I
told her, "Only you. All the others kept me awake!"

My missus packed my bags, and as I walked out the front door, she
screamed, "I wish you a slow and painful death, you *******!"
"Oh," I replied, "so now you want me to stay!"

A government survey has shown that 91% of illegal immigrants come to
this country so that they can see their own doctor.

I've just installed strobe lights in the bedroom. It makes the wife
look like she's moving during sex
=====================================

 

[colsy]

A Second Opinion

A man and his wife went to the doctor.

The doctor took the husband in first.

The husband was a bit embarrassed and told the doctor he had trouble getting an erection with his wife and she was getting frustrated.

He checked the patient's blood pressure and other signs and then said he was going to examine the wife.

He took her to another examination-room and asked her to disrobe. Then he told her to turn all the way around slowly.

She did as instructed. He then told her to turn all the way around in the opposite direction. When she had done so, he said - "OK, good! You can get dressed now and I will talk to your husband".

The doctor went back to the other cubicle and said to the husband, "Well, you can relax, there is nothing wrong with you;

I couldn't get an erection either."

 

[colsy]

Lion Tamer

> A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two people show up.
>
> One is an old golfer in his seventies, the other a gorgeous brunette in her twenties with a great body.
>
> The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you two had better be good or you're history" Here's your equipment… a chair, a whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?"
>
> gorgeous brunette says, "I'll go first."
>
> She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion gets all heated up, scratches the ground with his claws, starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her. As he gets close, the gorgeous brunette opens her coat, revealing her beautiful naked body.
> The lion stops in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her feet and ankles. He continues to lick and kiss every inch of her body for several minutes, then lays down and rests his head at her feet.
>
> The circus owner's jaw is on the floor! He says "That's amazing! I've never seen anything like that in my life!" Then he turns to the old golfer and asks, "Can you top that?"
>
> The tough old golfer replies… "Possibly...but you've got to get that lion out of there first".
>

 

[colsy]

A few more

Looks of Disappointment

A man was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, 'You're beautiful.' Then he fell asleep again.

His wife had never heard him say that before, so she stayed by his side. A few minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said, 'You're cute.'
The wife was disappointed because instead of 'beautiful,' it was now 'cute.' She asked, 'What happened to beautiful?'
The man replied, 'The drugs are wearing off.'


Catholic Dog

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, 'Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?'

Father Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature.'

Muldoon said, 'I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?'

Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?


Lemon Squeeze

There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said, 'Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.'
The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be forgiven.'

The young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times.'

The priest thought long and hard and then said, 'Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.'

The young woman asked, 'Will this cleanse me of my sins?'

The priest said, 'No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.'



Donation

Father O'Malley answers the phone. 'Hello, is this Father O'Malley?'
'It is!'
'This is the IRS. Can you help us?'
'I can!'
'Do you know a Ted Houlihan?'
'I do!'
'Is he a member of your congregation?'
'He is!'
'Did he donate $10,000 to the church?'
'He will.'


Pest Control

A woman was having a passionate affair with an Irish inspector from a pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.

'Quick,' said the woman to the lover, 'into the closet!' and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked.

The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet.

'Who are you?' he asked him.

'I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone,' said the exterminator.

'What are you doing in there?' the husband asked.

'I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths,' the man replied.

'And where are your clothes?' asked the husband.

The man looked down at himself and said, 'Those little *******s!'.


Marriage Humour
Wife: ‘What are you doing?’
Husband: ‘Nothing.’
Wife: ‘Nothing...? You've been reading our marriagecertificate for an hour.'
Husband: 'I was looking for the expiration date.'
-------------------------------

Wife : 'Do you want dinner?'
Husband: 'Sure! What are my choices?'
Wife: 'Yes or no.'
--------------------------------------------------------

Stress Reliever
Girl: 'When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.'
Boy: 'It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.'
Girl: 'Well that's because we aren't married yet.'
------------------------------

Son: 'Mum, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.'
Mom:'Well, you have done the right thing.'
Son: 'But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.'
________________________________


A newly married man asked his wife, 'Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?'
'Honey,' the woman replied sweetly, 'I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!'

A wife asked her husband: 'What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?'
He looked at her from head to toe and replied: 'I like your sense of humor!'


Husbands are husbands

A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the head with a frying pan.

'What was that for?' the man asked.

The wife replied 'That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket'.

The man then said 'When I was at the races last week Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on' the wife apologized and went on with the housework.

Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious. Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again.

Wife replied.. 'Your horse phoned'

 

[colsy]

Sunday Funnies

I was standing at the bar of Terminal 3 International Airport when this small Chinese guy comes in, stands next to me and starts drinking a beer.

I asked him, "Do you know any of those martial arts things, like Kung-Fu, Karate or Ju-Jitsu ?"

He says "No, why the Heck did you ask me that? Is it because I am Chinese? Are you a racist?!"

"No", I said, "It's because you're drinking my beer, you little *****."
...................
Harry and his wife are having hard financial times, so they decide that she’ll become a hooker.

She’s not quite sure what to do, so Harry says, “Stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy. Tell him that you charge a hundred bucks. If you got a question, I’ll be parked around the corner.”

She’s standing there for 5 minutes when a guy pulls up and asks, “How much?”
She says, “A hundred dollars.”

He says, “All I got is thirty”.

She says, “Hold on,” and runs back to Harry and asks, “What can he get for thirty?”
“A hand job”, Harry replied.

She runs back and tells the guy all he gets for thirty dollars is a hand job.
He agrees.

She gets in the car.
He unzips his pants, and out pops this HUGE ****

She stares at it for a minute, and then says, “I’ll be right back.”

She runs back to Harry, and asks, “Can you loan this guy seventy bucks?”
...............
A man goes skydiving for the first time. After listening to the instructor for
what seems like days, he is ready to go. Excited, he jumps out of the airplane.
About five seconds later, he pulls the ripcord. Nothing happens. He tries again.
Still nothing. He starts to panic, but remembers his back-up chute. He pulls
that cord. Nothing happens. He frantically begins pulling both cords, but to no
avail.

Suddenly, he looks down and he can't believe his eyes. Another man is in the air
with him, but this guy is going *up*! Just as the other guy passes by, the
skydiver - by this time scared out of his wits - yells, "Hey, do you know
anything about skydiving?"

The other guy yells back, "**** no! Do you know anything about lighting gas
stoves?"
...................
A couple just got married, and when the husband went back to his house
he found that his bride had disappeared. He got very worried and
gathered up all his friends to search for his wife with no success.

Two days after his wife disappeared the man returned home to find her
in the kitchen. He asked her what she has been up to and why she hasnt
been home for so long.

She replied:
"These four men kidnapped me and fvcked me stupid for a week."
The husband answered:
"But it's only been two days what do u mean a week?"

"I am only here to get something to eat."
..................
(Q) How do you embarrass an archeologist?

(A) Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.
....................
Q: What's the difference between a penis and a bonus?

A: Your wife will always blow your bonus!
---------------------------------------
Q: Why is being in the military like a blow-job?

A. The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel.
---------------------------------------
Q: Which of the following words does not belong: meat, eggs, wife, blowjob.

A: Blowjob. You can beat your meat, eggs, and wife; but you can’t beat a blowjob.
----------------------------------------
Q: Why did the woman smile when she walked down the marriage aisle?

A: She realized she gave her last blowjob.
----------------------------------------
Q: What’s the best thing about a blow job?

A: The ten minutes of silence!

===================================
Two Men were out fishing when one decides to have a smoke He asks the other guy if he has a lighter He replies "Yes I do!" and hands the other a 10 inch long BIC lighter Surprised the guy asks "Where did you get this?" The guy replies "Oh I have a personal genie." The first man asks "Can I make a wish? " Sure says the other man "Just make sure that you speak clearly cause he is a little hard at hearing" "Ok I will" says the other as he rubs the lamp a genie appears and asks the man what he wants The man says " I want a Million Bucks " The genie says OK and goes back to his bottle and 10 seconds later a million ducks fly over head And the guy says to the other " Your genie realy sucks at hearing doesnt he?" The other man replies "I know, do you really think I asked for a 10 inch BIC"
===================================