A few more laughs ....
- Thread starter colsy
- Start date
Adjutant , Captain Smithers
In the great days of the British Empire, a new commanding officer was sent to an African jungle outpost to relieve the retiring colonel. After welcoming his replacement and showing the usual courtesies (gin and tonic, cucumber sandwiches, etc.) that protocol decrees, the retiring colonel said,
"You must meet my Adjutant, Captain Smithers, he's my right-hand man, he's really the strength of this office. His talent is simply boundless."
Smithers was summoned and introduced to the new CO, who was surprised to meet a humpbacked, one eyed, toothless, hairless, scabbed and pockmarked specimen of humanity, a particularly unattractive man less than three feet tall.
"Smithers, old man, tell your new CO about yourself."
"Well, sir, I graduated with honours from Sandhurst, joined the regiment and won the Military Cross and Bar after three expeditions behind enemy lines.
I've represented Great Britain in equestrian events, and won a Silver Medal in the middleweight division of the Olympics. I have researched the history of....."
Here the colonel interrupted,
"Yes, yes, never mind that Smithers, he can find all that in your file. Tell him about the day you told the witch doctor to **** off."
In the great days of the British Empire, a new commanding officer was sent to an African jungle outpost to relieve the retiring colonel. After welcoming his replacement and showing the usual courtesies (gin and tonic, cucumber sandwiches, etc.) that protocol decrees, the retiring colonel said,
"You must meet my Adjutant, Captain Smithers, he's my right-hand man, he's really the strength of this office. His talent is simply boundless."
Smithers was summoned and introduced to the new CO, who was surprised to meet a humpbacked, one eyed, toothless, hairless, scabbed and pockmarked specimen of humanity, a particularly unattractive man less than three feet tall.
"Smithers, old man, tell your new CO about yourself."
"Well, sir, I graduated with honours from Sandhurst, joined the regiment and won the Military Cross and Bar after three expeditions behind enemy lines.
I've represented Great Britain in equestrian events, and won a Silver Medal in the middleweight division of the Olympics. I have researched the history of....."
Here the colonel interrupted,
"Yes, yes, never mind that Smithers, he can find all that in your file. Tell him about the day you told the witch doctor to **** off."
Elton
They had their sperm mixed together and a surrogate mother was artificially inseminated.
When the baby was born Elton and David were ushered into a ward where a dozen babies were lying in their cots, eleven of them crying and screaming.
In the corner, one baby was lying serenely. A nurse came over to both of them and indicated that the happy child was theirs.
"Isn't it wonderful?" Elton asked David. "All these crying babies...and yet our baby is so content. This just proves the superiority of gay love!
"The nurse said, "Oh sure, he's happy now, but just watch what happens when I pull the dummy out of his arse...."
They had their sperm mixed together and a surrogate mother was artificially inseminated.
When the baby was born Elton and David were ushered into a ward where a dozen babies were lying in their cots, eleven of them crying and screaming.
In the corner, one baby was lying serenely. A nurse came over to both of them and indicated that the happy child was theirs.
"Isn't it wonderful?" Elton asked David. "All these crying babies...and yet our baby is so content. This just proves the superiority of gay love!
"The nurse said, "Oh sure, he's happy now, but just watch what happens when I pull the dummy out of his arse...."
Golden Oldie...
A young Chinese couple gets married. She's a virgin.
Truth be told, he is a virgin too, but she doesn't know that.
On their wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheets as her husband undresses in the darkness.
He climbs into bed next to her and tries to be reassuring.
'My darring,' he whispers, 'I know dis you firss time and you berry flighten. I promise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting - juss anyting you want. You juss ask. Whatchu want?' he says, trying to sound experienced and worldly, which he hopes will impress her.
A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her request.
She eventually shyly whispers back, 'I want to try something I have hear about from odda girls... Numbaa 69.' More thoughtful silence from him. Eventually, in a puzzled tone he asks her....
'You want....... garlic chicken wif snow peas?
A young Chinese couple gets married. She's a virgin.
Truth be told, he is a virgin too, but she doesn't know that.
On their wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheets as her husband undresses in the darkness.
He climbs into bed next to her and tries to be reassuring.
'My darring,' he whispers, 'I know dis you firss time and you berry flighten. I promise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting - juss anyting you want. You juss ask. Whatchu want?' he says, trying to sound experienced and worldly, which he hopes will impress her.
A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her request.
She eventually shyly whispers back, 'I want to try something I have hear about from odda girls... Numbaa 69.' More thoughtful silence from him. Eventually, in a puzzled tone he asks her....
'You want....... garlic chicken wif snow peas?
Police officer test
How do you tell the difference between an English Police Officer, a Canadian Police Officer, an American Police Officer and a Scottish police officer? The answer is found below. (I know this question has been on your minds for years).
QUESTION: You’re a policeman and on duty by yourself. You are walking on a deserted street late at night.
Suddenly, an armed man with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, and screams something that sounds like obscenities, raises the knife and lunges at you.
You are carrying your truncheon and are an expert in using it. However, you have only a split second to react before he reaches you. What do you do?
ANSWER:
British Police Officer:
Firstly, the Officer must consider the man's human rights.
1) Does the man look poor or oppressed?
2) Is he newly arrived in this country and does not yet understand the law?
3) Is this really a knife or a ceremonial dagger?
4) Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?
5) Am I dressed provocatively?
6) Could I run away?
7) Could I possibly swing my truncheon and knock the knife out of his hand?
8) Should I try and negotiate with him to discuss his wrong-doings?
9) Why am I carrying a truncheon anyway and what kind of message does this send to society?
10) Does he definitely want to kill me or would he be content just to wound me?
11) If I were to grab his knees and hold on, would he still want to stab and kill me?
12) If I raise my truncheon and he turns and runs away, do I get blamed if he falls over, knocks his head and kills himself?
13) If I hurt him and lose the subsequent court case, does he have the opportunity to sue me, cost me my job, my credibility and the loss of my family home?
Canadian Police Officer:
BANG !
American Police Officer:
BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG !
'Click'...Reload...
BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG !
Glasgow Police Officer:
"Haw, Jimmie.. Drop the knife noo, unless ye want it stuck up yer arse!"
How do you tell the difference between an English Police Officer, a Canadian Police Officer, an American Police Officer and a Scottish police officer? The answer is found below. (I know this question has been on your minds for years).
QUESTION: You’re a policeman and on duty by yourself. You are walking on a deserted street late at night.
Suddenly, an armed man with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, and screams something that sounds like obscenities, raises the knife and lunges at you.
You are carrying your truncheon and are an expert in using it. However, you have only a split second to react before he reaches you. What do you do?
ANSWER:
British Police Officer:
Firstly, the Officer must consider the man's human rights.
1) Does the man look poor or oppressed?
2) Is he newly arrived in this country and does not yet understand the law?
3) Is this really a knife or a ceremonial dagger?
4) Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?
5) Am I dressed provocatively?
6) Could I run away?
7) Could I possibly swing my truncheon and knock the knife out of his hand?
8) Should I try and negotiate with him to discuss his wrong-doings?
9) Why am I carrying a truncheon anyway and what kind of message does this send to society?
10) Does he definitely want to kill me or would he be content just to wound me?
11) If I were to grab his knees and hold on, would he still want to stab and kill me?
12) If I raise my truncheon and he turns and runs away, do I get blamed if he falls over, knocks his head and kills himself?
13) If I hurt him and lose the subsequent court case, does he have the opportunity to sue me, cost me my job, my credibility and the loss of my family home?
Canadian Police Officer:
BANG !
American Police Officer:
BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG !
'Click'...Reload...
BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG !
Glasgow Police Officer:
"Haw, Jimmie.. Drop the knife noo, unless ye want it stuck up yer arse!"
Saturday Specials
Q: What did the hurricane say to the coconut palm tree?
A: Hold on to your nuts, this is no ordinary blow job!
Q: Whats long and hard and has cum in it?
A: a cucumber
Q: What do you call a cheap circumcision?
A: a rip off
Q: What do you call 2 guys fighting over a slut?
A: Tug-of-*****.
Q: What's the difference between a hooker and a drug dealer? Q
: A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.
Q: What's the difference between a hair stylist and a nail stylist?
A: One does hand jobs and one does blow jobs!
Q: What kind of bird gives the best head?
A: a swallow!
==============================
Two women are hiking in the woods. After an hour or so, they come to a stream. Unable to cross, they decide to walk along the stream and look for a narrower place.
Fortunately they come to an old bridge spanning the stream. Deciding the bridge safe, the two women proceed to cross.
Halfway across, one woman stops and says to the other "I've always wanted to be like the guys, and urinate off a bridge". The other woman looks around and says "Well, I don't see anyone around, now's your chance!"
The first woman drops her hiking shorts and backs over to the side of the bridge. As she begins to urinate, she looks over her shoulder. "Holy ****!" she exclaims "I just pissed in a canoe!"
Alarmed, the second woman hurries over and peeks at the stream. "Calm down" she says. "That wasn't a canoe you pissed in, it was only your reflection".
...................................
After many years of marriage, a husband has turned into a couch potato, became completely inattentive to his wife and sat guzzling beer and watching TV all day. The wife was dismayed because no matter what she did to attract the husband's attention, he'd just shrug her off with some bored comment.
This went on for many months and the wife was going crazy with boredom. Then one day at a pet store, the wife saw this big, ugly, snorting bird with a hairy chest, powerful hairy forearms, beady eyes and dribble running down the side of its mouth.
The shopkeeper, observing her fascination with the bird, told her it was a special imported "Goony bird" and it had a very peculiar trait. To demonstrate, he exclaimed "Goony bird! The table!" Immediately, the Goony bird flew off its perch and with single-minded fury attacked the table and smashed it into a hundred little pieces with its powerful forearms and claws!
To demonstrate some more, the shopkeeper said "Goony bird! The shelf!" Again the Goony bird turned to the shelf and demolished it in seconds.
"Wow!" said the wife "If this doesn't attract my husband's attention, nothing will!" So she bought the bird and took it home.
When she entered the house, the husband was, as usual, sprawled on the sofa guzzling beer and watching the game. "Honey!" she exclaimed "I've got a surprise for you! A Goony bird!"
The husband, in his usual bored tone replied "Goony Bird, my Ass".
==============================
Little April was not the best student in Sunday school. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, April, who created the universe?" When April didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very good" and April fell back asleep. A while later the teacher asked April, "Who is our Lord and Saviour," But, April didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. "JESUS CHRIST!" shouted April and the teacher said, "very good," and April fell back to sleep. Then the teacher asked April a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time April jumped up and shouted, "IF YOU STICK THAT F*****G THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ARSE!" The Teacher fainted.
==============================
A little boy hears the word '*****house' in school and asks his father what it means. His father is quite shocked, and replies "Well, uh... you go there to... have a good time". The boy starts screaming and hollering that he wants to go there too, but his father insists that he's too young.
Saturday night his dad and a few friends go to "Suzie's" to "have a good time" not knowing the little boy is following them.
After his father leaves, the little boy enters the *****house and tells the madam that he wants to have a good time. She's a bit puzzled at first, but being a kind-hearted lady she gives him three doughnuts and tells him to leave.
Later that night he comes home, his parents all worried. His father approaches him first and asks him where he's been.
"IN A *****HOUSE!" he screams proudly. "WHAT? Well... uh... how was it?" "I managed the first two without any problem, but I just licked the last".
===============================
Teacher cautiously approaches the subject of sex education with her fourth grade class because she realises Little Johnny's propensity for sexual innuendo. But Johnny remains attentive throughout the entire lecture. Finally, towards the end of the lesson, the teacher asks for examples of sex education from the class.
One little boy raises his hand "I saw a bird in her nest with some eggs". "Very good, William" cooed the teacher.
"My mamma had a baby" said little Esther. "Oh, that's nice" replied the teacher.
Finally Little Johnny raises his hand. With much fear and trepidation, the teacher calls on him. "I was watchin' TV yesterday, and I saw the Lone Ranger. He was surrounded by hundreds and hundreds of Indians. And they all attacked at one time. And he killed every one of them with his two guns".
The teacher was relieved but puzzled "And what does that have to do with sex education, Johnny?" "It'll teach those Indians not to **** with the Lone Ranger".
================================
A doctor had just finished a marathon sex session with one of his patients. He was resting afterwards and was feeling a bit guilty because he thought it wasn't really ethical to be ****ing one of his patients.
However, a little voice in his head said, "Lots of doctors have sex with their patients, so it's not like you're the first..."
This made the doctor feel a bit better until still another voice in his head said,
"But then again, they probably weren't veterinarians..."
...................................
Paddy is doing really well on Who Want's to be a Millionaire.He's got £125,000 with three lifelines left.
Chris says,"Ok Paddy,for £250,000 which one of the following was one of the Great Train Robbers? Was it A) Ronnie Biggs B) Ronnie O'Sullivan C) Ronnie Corbett D) Ronnie Wood. Take your time."
Paddy says,"I'll take the money Chris."
Chris replies,"Are you sure Paddy,you've still got three lifelines left?"
Paddy says,"I'm sure Chris,I'll take the money."
Chris replies,"Ok audience,give Paddy a big round of applause,but before you go Paddy I'm sure you'd like to know the answer?"
Paddy says,"I already know the answer Chris."
Chris replies,"You know the answer? You just turned down a quarter of a Million quid,are you mad,are you mental?"
Paddy says,"I may be Mental Chris,but I'm no ****ing grass!"
...............................
An older man approached an attractive younger woman at a shopping mall.
"Excuse me. I can't seem to find my wife. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?"
The woman, feeling a bit of compassion for the old fellow said,
"Of course, sir. Do you know where your wife might be?"
"I have no idea, but every time I talk to a woman with tits like yours,
she seems to appear out of nowhere."
=============================
A Teacher asks the class to name things that end with 'tor' that eats things. The first little boy says "Alligator". "Very good, that's a big word". The second boy says "Predator". "Yes, that's another big word. Well done". Little Johnny says "Vibrator". After nearly falling off her chair, she says "That is a big word, but it doesn't eat anything". "Well my sister has one and she says it eats batteries like there is no tomorrow".
............................................
A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 fell out onto the sidewalk.
Noticing this, a policeman stopped her and said "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag". "Oh really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me officer".
Well now, not so fast" said the cop. Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?" "Oh no no" said the old lady. "You see, my backyard is right next to the golf course. On golf days a lot of golfers come and pee through a knot hole in the fence, right into my flower garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought why not make the best of it? So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say "Okay buddy! Give me $20 or off it comes".
"Well, that seems only fair" said the cop, laughing. "Okay good luck! Oh by the way... what's in the other bag?" "Well you know" said the little old lady "not everybody pays..."
...............................................
A blonde city girl named Amy marries a Colorado rancher. One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, the rancher says to Amy "The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today, so I drove a nail into the 2 by 4 just above where the cow's stall is in the barn. Please show him where the cow is when he gets here, okay?"
The rancher leaves for the fields. After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door. Amy takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of cows and when Amy sees the nail she tells him "This is the one right here".
The man, assuming he is dealing with an airhead blonde says "Tell me lady... 'cause I'm dying to know - how would YOU know that this is the right cow to be bred?"
"That's simple" she said. "By the nail that's over its stall" she explains very confidently. Laughing rudely at her the man says "And what, pray tell, is the nail for?" The blonde turns to walk away and says sweetly over her shoulder "I guess it's to hang your pants on".
===========================
Pinocchio, Snow White, and Superman are out for a stroll in town one day. As they walk, they come across a sign:
BEAUTY CONTEST TO FIND THE MOST BEAUTIFUL WOMAN IN THE WORLD
"I'm entering!" said Snow White.
After half an hour she comes out and they ask her "Well, how'd ya do?" "First Place" said a smug Snow White.
They continue walking and they see a sign:
CONTEST TO FIND THE STRONGEST MAN IN THE WORLD
"I'm entering!" says Superman.
After half an hour he returns and they ask him "How did you make out?"" "First Place" answers Superman. "Did you ever doubt it?"
They continue walking when they see a sign:
CONTEST! WHO IS THE GREATEST LIAR IN THE WORLD?
Pinocchio enters. After half an hour he returns with tears in his eyes. "What happened?" they asked. "Who the **** is OSCAR PISTORIOUS?" asked Pinocchio
==============================
Mohammad entered the classroom on his first day of school in Scotland.
"What's your name?" asked the teacher. "Mohammad," he replied. "You're in Scotland now," replied the teacher, "So from now on you will be known as Benny."
Mohammad returned home after school.
"How was your day, Mohammad?" his mother asked. "My name is not Mohammad. I'm in Scotland and now my name is Benny." "Are you ashamed of your name? Are you trying to dishonour your parents, your heritage, your religion? Shame on you!"
And his mother beat him. Then she called his father, who beat him again.
The next day Mohammad returned to school.
The teacher saw all of his bruises. "What happened to you, Benny?” she asked. "Well, Miss, shortly after becoming a Scotsman, I was attacked by two ****ing Arabs."
Q: What did the hurricane say to the coconut palm tree?
A: Hold on to your nuts, this is no ordinary blow job!
Q: Whats long and hard and has cum in it?
A: a cucumber
Q: What do you call a cheap circumcision?
A: a rip off
Q: What do you call 2 guys fighting over a slut?
A: Tug-of-*****.
Q: What's the difference between a hooker and a drug dealer? Q
: A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.
Q: What's the difference between a hair stylist and a nail stylist?
A: One does hand jobs and one does blow jobs!
Q: What kind of bird gives the best head?
A: a swallow!
==============================
Two women are hiking in the woods. After an hour or so, they come to a stream. Unable to cross, they decide to walk along the stream and look for a narrower place.
Fortunately they come to an old bridge spanning the stream. Deciding the bridge safe, the two women proceed to cross.
Halfway across, one woman stops and says to the other "I've always wanted to be like the guys, and urinate off a bridge". The other woman looks around and says "Well, I don't see anyone around, now's your chance!"
The first woman drops her hiking shorts and backs over to the side of the bridge. As she begins to urinate, she looks over her shoulder. "Holy ****!" she exclaims "I just pissed in a canoe!"
Alarmed, the second woman hurries over and peeks at the stream. "Calm down" she says. "That wasn't a canoe you pissed in, it was only your reflection".
...................................
After many years of marriage, a husband has turned into a couch potato, became completely inattentive to his wife and sat guzzling beer and watching TV all day. The wife was dismayed because no matter what she did to attract the husband's attention, he'd just shrug her off with some bored comment.
This went on for many months and the wife was going crazy with boredom. Then one day at a pet store, the wife saw this big, ugly, snorting bird with a hairy chest, powerful hairy forearms, beady eyes and dribble running down the side of its mouth.
The shopkeeper, observing her fascination with the bird, told her it was a special imported "Goony bird" and it had a very peculiar trait. To demonstrate, he exclaimed "Goony bird! The table!" Immediately, the Goony bird flew off its perch and with single-minded fury attacked the table and smashed it into a hundred little pieces with its powerful forearms and claws!
To demonstrate some more, the shopkeeper said "Goony bird! The shelf!" Again the Goony bird turned to the shelf and demolished it in seconds.
"Wow!" said the wife "If this doesn't attract my husband's attention, nothing will!" So she bought the bird and took it home.
When she entered the house, the husband was, as usual, sprawled on the sofa guzzling beer and watching the game. "Honey!" she exclaimed "I've got a surprise for you! A Goony bird!"
The husband, in his usual bored tone replied "Goony Bird, my Ass".
==============================
Little April was not the best student in Sunday school. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, April, who created the universe?" When April didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very good" and April fell back asleep. A while later the teacher asked April, "Who is our Lord and Saviour," But, April didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. "JESUS CHRIST!" shouted April and the teacher said, "very good," and April fell back to sleep. Then the teacher asked April a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time April jumped up and shouted, "IF YOU STICK THAT F*****G THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ARSE!" The Teacher fainted.
==============================
A little boy hears the word '*****house' in school and asks his father what it means. His father is quite shocked, and replies "Well, uh... you go there to... have a good time". The boy starts screaming and hollering that he wants to go there too, but his father insists that he's too young.
Saturday night his dad and a few friends go to "Suzie's" to "have a good time" not knowing the little boy is following them.
After his father leaves, the little boy enters the *****house and tells the madam that he wants to have a good time. She's a bit puzzled at first, but being a kind-hearted lady she gives him three doughnuts and tells him to leave.
Later that night he comes home, his parents all worried. His father approaches him first and asks him where he's been.
"IN A *****HOUSE!" he screams proudly. "WHAT? Well... uh... how was it?" "I managed the first two without any problem, but I just licked the last".
===============================
Teacher cautiously approaches the subject of sex education with her fourth grade class because she realises Little Johnny's propensity for sexual innuendo. But Johnny remains attentive throughout the entire lecture. Finally, towards the end of the lesson, the teacher asks for examples of sex education from the class.
One little boy raises his hand "I saw a bird in her nest with some eggs". "Very good, William" cooed the teacher.
"My mamma had a baby" said little Esther. "Oh, that's nice" replied the teacher.
Finally Little Johnny raises his hand. With much fear and trepidation, the teacher calls on him. "I was watchin' TV yesterday, and I saw the Lone Ranger. He was surrounded by hundreds and hundreds of Indians. And they all attacked at one time. And he killed every one of them with his two guns".
The teacher was relieved but puzzled "And what does that have to do with sex education, Johnny?" "It'll teach those Indians not to **** with the Lone Ranger".
================================
A doctor had just finished a marathon sex session with one of his patients. He was resting afterwards and was feeling a bit guilty because he thought it wasn't really ethical to be ****ing one of his patients.
However, a little voice in his head said, "Lots of doctors have sex with their patients, so it's not like you're the first..."
This made the doctor feel a bit better until still another voice in his head said,
"But then again, they probably weren't veterinarians..."
...................................
Paddy is doing really well on Who Want's to be a Millionaire.He's got £125,000 with three lifelines left.
Chris says,"Ok Paddy,for £250,000 which one of the following was one of the Great Train Robbers? Was it A) Ronnie Biggs B) Ronnie O'Sullivan C) Ronnie Corbett D) Ronnie Wood. Take your time."
Paddy says,"I'll take the money Chris."
Chris replies,"Are you sure Paddy,you've still got three lifelines left?"
Paddy says,"I'm sure Chris,I'll take the money."
Chris replies,"Ok audience,give Paddy a big round of applause,but before you go Paddy I'm sure you'd like to know the answer?"
Paddy says,"I already know the answer Chris."
Chris replies,"You know the answer? You just turned down a quarter of a Million quid,are you mad,are you mental?"
Paddy says,"I may be Mental Chris,but I'm no ****ing grass!"
...............................
An older man approached an attractive younger woman at a shopping mall.
"Excuse me. I can't seem to find my wife. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?"
The woman, feeling a bit of compassion for the old fellow said,
"Of course, sir. Do you know where your wife might be?"
"I have no idea, but every time I talk to a woman with tits like yours,
she seems to appear out of nowhere."
=============================
A Teacher asks the class to name things that end with 'tor' that eats things. The first little boy says "Alligator". "Very good, that's a big word". The second boy says "Predator". "Yes, that's another big word. Well done". Little Johnny says "Vibrator". After nearly falling off her chair, she says "That is a big word, but it doesn't eat anything". "Well my sister has one and she says it eats batteries like there is no tomorrow".
............................................
A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 fell out onto the sidewalk.
Noticing this, a policeman stopped her and said "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag". "Oh really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me officer".
Well now, not so fast" said the cop. Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?" "Oh no no" said the old lady. "You see, my backyard is right next to the golf course. On golf days a lot of golfers come and pee through a knot hole in the fence, right into my flower garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought why not make the best of it? So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say "Okay buddy! Give me $20 or off it comes".
"Well, that seems only fair" said the cop, laughing. "Okay good luck! Oh by the way... what's in the other bag?" "Well you know" said the little old lady "not everybody pays..."
...............................................
A blonde city girl named Amy marries a Colorado rancher. One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, the rancher says to Amy "The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today, so I drove a nail into the 2 by 4 just above where the cow's stall is in the barn. Please show him where the cow is when he gets here, okay?"
The rancher leaves for the fields. After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door. Amy takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of cows and when Amy sees the nail she tells him "This is the one right here".
The man, assuming he is dealing with an airhead blonde says "Tell me lady... 'cause I'm dying to know - how would YOU know that this is the right cow to be bred?"
"That's simple" she said. "By the nail that's over its stall" she explains very confidently. Laughing rudely at her the man says "And what, pray tell, is the nail for?" The blonde turns to walk away and says sweetly over her shoulder "I guess it's to hang your pants on".
===========================
Pinocchio, Snow White, and Superman are out for a stroll in town one day. As they walk, they come across a sign:
BEAUTY CONTEST TO FIND THE MOST BEAUTIFUL WOMAN IN THE WORLD
"I'm entering!" said Snow White.
After half an hour she comes out and they ask her "Well, how'd ya do?" "First Place" said a smug Snow White.
They continue walking and they see a sign:
CONTEST TO FIND THE STRONGEST MAN IN THE WORLD
"I'm entering!" says Superman.
After half an hour he returns and they ask him "How did you make out?"" "First Place" answers Superman. "Did you ever doubt it?"
They continue walking when they see a sign:
CONTEST! WHO IS THE GREATEST LIAR IN THE WORLD?
Pinocchio enters. After half an hour he returns with tears in his eyes. "What happened?" they asked. "Who the **** is OSCAR PISTORIOUS?" asked Pinocchio
==============================
Mohammad entered the classroom on his first day of school in Scotland.
"What's your name?" asked the teacher. "Mohammad," he replied. "You're in Scotland now," replied the teacher, "So from now on you will be known as Benny."
Mohammad returned home after school.
"How was your day, Mohammad?" his mother asked. "My name is not Mohammad. I'm in Scotland and now my name is Benny." "Are you ashamed of your name? Are you trying to dishonour your parents, your heritage, your religion? Shame on you!"
And his mother beat him. Then she called his father, who beat him again.
The next day Mohammad returned to school.
The teacher saw all of his bruises. "What happened to you, Benny?” she asked. "Well, Miss, shortly after becoming a Scotsman, I was attacked by two ****ing Arabs."
Just copying and pasting what was sent to me ,to keep you lot amused... Hopefully
Quite funny I thought .
The Italian virginity test
Rocco is planning to marry and asks his family doctor how he could tell if his bride-to-be is still a virgin.
His doctor says, "Rocco, all the Italian men I know use three things for what we call a “Do-It-Yourself Virginity Test Kit”… a small can of red paint, a small can of blue paint and a shovel."
Rocco asks, "So, what do I do with these things, doc?
The doctor replies, "Before you climb into bed on your wedding night, you paint one of your balls red and the other ball blue.
If she says, 'That's the strangest pair of balls I've ever seen!', ..you hit her with the shovel.
Rocco is planning to marry and asks his family doctor how he could tell if his bride-to-be is still a virgin.
His doctor says, "Rocco, all the Italian men I know use three things for what we call a “Do-It-Yourself Virginity Test Kit”… a small can of red paint, a small can of blue paint and a shovel."
Rocco asks, "So, what do I do with these things, doc?
The doctor replies, "Before you climb into bed on your wedding night, you paint one of your balls red and the other ball blue.
If she says, 'That's the strangest pair of balls I've ever seen!', ..you hit her with the shovel.
God visited a woman and told her she must give up smoking, drinking and sex if she wanted to get into heaven.
The woman said she would try her best.
God visited the woman a week later to see how she was getting on..
"Not bad" said the woman, "I've given up smoking and drinking but then I bent over the lounge suite and my boyfriend caught sight of my long slender legs, and made love to me right then and there."
"They don't like that in heaven",said God........
The woman replied: " And they're not too happy about it in IKEA either!"
The woman said she would try her best.
God visited the woman a week later to see how she was getting on..
"Not bad" said the woman, "I've given up smoking and drinking but then I bent over the lounge suite and my boyfriend caught sight of my long slender legs, and made love to me right then and there."
"They don't like that in heaven",said God........
The woman replied: " And they're not too happy about it in IKEA either!"
Aussie dry humour
An Indian, a Maori, a Muslim and an Australian were walking along an Australian beach when the Maori stumbled over a bottle in the sand. He
picked up the bottle, rubbed the sand off it, and ........ A Genie appeared
!
"I can only grant four wishes !" the Genie said. "Since there are four of
you, you may have one wish apiece !"
Pointing to the Maori, he said, "Since you found the bottle, you may have
the first wish."
The Maori thought for a moment, then said, "I wish for a fleet of ships so
that I can gather all my people and take them back to our homeland of
Aotearoa."
Poof! It was done! Thousands of ships appeared on the skyline.
The Indian said, "I wish for enough aircraft to take all fellow Indians back
to our homeland !"
Poof! It was done! Row after row of aircraft filled the sky.
The Muslim said, "I wish for a hundred thousand camels to take all of my
people away from this horrible country infested with infidels so we can live
in peace in Muslim countries and serve the Prophet Allah."
Poof! It was done! A hundred thousand camels suddenly appeared on the
beach.
Turning to the Australian, the Genie asked, "And what is your wish ?"
The Aussie watched as the loaded aircraft began moving toward the runway,
then looked out to sea and watched the loaded ships sailing out into the
sunset, then he looked at all of the Muslims getting on top of the camels
and riding off.
He said, "Look mate, just give me a cold beer. It really doesn't get any
better than this !
An Indian, a Maori, a Muslim and an Australian were walking along an Australian beach when the Maori stumbled over a bottle in the sand. He
picked up the bottle, rubbed the sand off it, and ........ A Genie appeared
!
"I can only grant four wishes !" the Genie said. "Since there are four of
you, you may have one wish apiece !"
Pointing to the Maori, he said, "Since you found the bottle, you may have
the first wish."
The Maori thought for a moment, then said, "I wish for a fleet of ships so
that I can gather all my people and take them back to our homeland of
Aotearoa."
Poof! It was done! Thousands of ships appeared on the skyline.
The Indian said, "I wish for enough aircraft to take all fellow Indians back
to our homeland !"
Poof! It was done! Row after row of aircraft filled the sky.
The Muslim said, "I wish for a hundred thousand camels to take all of my
people away from this horrible country infested with infidels so we can live
in peace in Muslim countries and serve the Prophet Allah."
Poof! It was done! A hundred thousand camels suddenly appeared on the
beach.
Turning to the Australian, the Genie asked, "And what is your wish ?"
The Aussie watched as the loaded aircraft began moving toward the runway,
then looked out to sea and watched the loaded ships sailing out into the
sunset, then he looked at all of the Muslims getting on top of the camels
and riding off.
He said, "Look mate, just give me a cold beer. It really doesn't get any
better than this !
God made Women
A wife asks her husband, "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk, and if they have avocados, get 6."
A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk
The wife asks him, "Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"
He replied, "They had avocados."
If you're a woman, I'm sure you're going back to read it again!
Men will get it the first time. My work is done here.
------------------------------------------------------------------
Water in the carburetor
WIFE: "There is trouble with the car. It has water in the carburetor."
HUSBAND: "Water in the carburetor? That's ridiculous "
WIFE: "I tell you the car has water in the carburetor."
HUSBAND: "You don't even know what a carburetor is. I'll check it out.
Where's the car?"
WIFE: "In the pool"
------------------------------------------------------------------------
A FRIGHTENING STATISTIC.
This is a frightening statistic, Probably one of the most worrisome in
recent years.
25% of the women in this country are on medication for mental Illness.
That's scary.
It means 75% are running around untreated.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
A young man wanted to get his wife something nice for their first
wedding anniversary.
So he decided to buy her a cell phone.
He showed her the phone, and explained to her all of its features.
Meg was excited to receive the gift and simply adored her new phone.
The next day Meg went shopping. Her phone rang and, to her
astonishment, it was her husband on the other end.
"Hi Meg," he said, "how do you like your new phone?"
Meg replied, "I just love it! It's so small and your voice is clear as
a bell, but there's one thing I don't understand though..."
"What's that, sweetie?" asked her husband.
"How did you know I was at Wal-Mart?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------
HE MUST PAY
Husband and wife had a tiff. Wife called up her mom and said,
"He fought with me again, I am coming to live with you."
Mom said, "No darling, he must pay for his mistake. I am coming to
live with you."
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Today's Short Reading from the Bible... from Genesis:
"And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in
all corners of the earth."
Then He made the earth round...
A wife asks her husband, "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk, and if they have avocados, get 6."
A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk
The wife asks him, "Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"
He replied, "They had avocados."
If you're a woman, I'm sure you're going back to read it again!
Men will get it the first time. My work is done here.
------------------------------------------------------------------
Water in the carburetor
WIFE: "There is trouble with the car. It has water in the carburetor."
HUSBAND: "Water in the carburetor? That's ridiculous "
WIFE: "I tell you the car has water in the carburetor."
HUSBAND: "You don't even know what a carburetor is. I'll check it out.
Where's the car?"
WIFE: "In the pool"
------------------------------------------------------------------------
A FRIGHTENING STATISTIC.
This is a frightening statistic, Probably one of the most worrisome in
recent years.
25% of the women in this country are on medication for mental Illness.
That's scary.
It means 75% are running around untreated.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
A young man wanted to get his wife something nice for their first
wedding anniversary.
So he decided to buy her a cell phone.
He showed her the phone, and explained to her all of its features.
Meg was excited to receive the gift and simply adored her new phone.
The next day Meg went shopping. Her phone rang and, to her
astonishment, it was her husband on the other end.
"Hi Meg," he said, "how do you like your new phone?"
Meg replied, "I just love it! It's so small and your voice is clear as
a bell, but there's one thing I don't understand though..."
"What's that, sweetie?" asked her husband.
"How did you know I was at Wal-Mart?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------
HE MUST PAY
Husband and wife had a tiff. Wife called up her mom and said,
"He fought with me again, I am coming to live with you."
Mom said, "No darling, he must pay for his mistake. I am coming to
live with you."
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Today's Short Reading from the Bible... from Genesis:
"And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in
all corners of the earth."
Then He made the earth round...
Good news and bad news
> The
lawyer says: “I have some good news and bad news”
>
> The CEO
replies: “I have had an awful day, let’s hear the good news first.”
>
> The lawyer says: “Your wife invested £5,000 in two pictures that
are now worth a minimum of £2 million ......”
>
> The CEO replies
enthusiastically: “Well done, very good news indeed! You’ve made my
day; now what is the bad news?”
>
> The lawyer answers: “The
pictures are of you in bed with your secretary.”
>
>
> The
lawyer says: “I have some good news and bad news”
>
> The CEO
replies: “I have had an awful day, let’s hear the good news first.”
>
> The lawyer says: “Your wife invested £5,000 in two pictures that
are now worth a minimum of £2 million ......”
>
> The CEO replies
enthusiastically: “Well done, very good news indeed! You’ve made my
day; now what is the bad news?”
>
> The lawyer answers: “The
pictures are of you in bed with your secretary.”
>
>
Subject: Hormones in Beer
This is alarming & scary stuff!
Beer contains female hormones! Yes, that's right, FEMALE hormones!
Last month, Montreal University scientists released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer.
Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption. The theory is that Beer contains female hormones (hops contain Phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women.
To test the theory, 100 men each drank 8 large drafts of beer within a one (1) hour period.
It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects, yes, 100% of all these men:-
1) Argued over nothing.
2) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.
3) Gained weight.
4) Talked excessively without making sense.
5) Became overly emotional
6) Couldn't drive.
7) Failed to think rationally, and
8) Had to sit down while urinating.
No further testing was considered necessary!!
This is alarming & scary stuff!
Beer contains female hormones! Yes, that's right, FEMALE hormones!
Last month, Montreal University scientists released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer.
Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption. The theory is that Beer contains female hormones (hops contain Phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women.
To test the theory, 100 men each drank 8 large drafts of beer within a one (1) hour period.
It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects, yes, 100% of all these men:-
1) Argued over nothing.
2) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.
3) Gained weight.
4) Talked excessively without making sense.
5) Became overly emotional
6) Couldn't drive.
7) Failed to think rationally, and
8) Had to sit down while urinating.
No further testing was considered necessary!!
6 degrees of blonde
FIRST DEGREE
A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning.
The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment and said 'How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!' and hung up.
The husband said, 'Who was that?' The wife said, 'I don't know, some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear.'
`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*
SECOND DEGREE
Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, 'Hmm, this person looks familiar.' The second blonde says, 'Here, let me see!' So the first blonde hands her the compact.
The second one looks in the mirror and says, 'You dummy, it's me!'
`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,. -:*´`´*:-.,_,-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*
THIRD DEGREE
A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment
unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead.
Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head.
The boyfriend yells, 'No, honey, don't do it!!!'
The blonde replies, 'Shut up, you're next!'
`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*
FOURTH DEGREE
A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She proudly says, 'Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them.'
A friend says, 'OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin ?'
The blonde replies, 'Oh, that's easy: W.'
`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*
FIFTH DEGREE
What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant?
'Is it mine?'
`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*
SIXTH DEGREE
Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime.
The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby was the first to respond.
As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps.
Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, 'I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman.'
FIRST DEGREE
A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning.
The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment and said 'How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!' and hung up.
The husband said, 'Who was that?' The wife said, 'I don't know, some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear.'
`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*
SECOND DEGREE
Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, 'Hmm, this person looks familiar.' The second blonde says, 'Here, let me see!' So the first blonde hands her the compact.
The second one looks in the mirror and says, 'You dummy, it's me!'
`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,. -:*´`´*:-.,_,-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*
THIRD DEGREE
A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment
unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead.
Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head.
The boyfriend yells, 'No, honey, don't do it!!!'
The blonde replies, 'Shut up, you're next!'
`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*
FOURTH DEGREE
A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She proudly says, 'Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them.'
A friend says, 'OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin ?'
The blonde replies, 'Oh, that's easy: W.'
`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*
FIFTH DEGREE
What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant?
'Is it mine?'
`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*
SIXTH DEGREE
Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime.
The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby was the first to respond.
As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps.
Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, 'I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman.'
Saturday Specials...
Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out. Both were very faithful and loving wives, however they had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers.
Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to Pee, so they stopped in the cemetery.
One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take off her panties and use them.
Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them.
She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that.
After the girls did their business they proceeded to go home.
The next day one of the woman's husband was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said:
'These girl nights out have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst. . . My wife came home with no panties!!'
'That's nothing' said the other husband, 'Mine came back with a card stuck to her ass that Said..
'From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never forget you.''
=============================
I have always questioned if Jessie Jackson and Al Sharpton were really preachers since they have no church.
When I heard Al Sharpton was guest preacher at a black Harrisburg Church, I decided to check him out in person and see what it was all about.........
I sat down and Sharpton came up to me, I don't know why, maybe it was because I was the only white person in the Church. He laid his hands on my hand and said: "By the will of Jesus the Lord Almighty, and the will of God, you will walk today."
I told him I was not paralyzed. He came back and laid his hands on me again, and repeated the same thing.
Again I told him there is nothing wrong with me.
After the sermon I stepped outside and, lo and behold, my ****ing car had been stolen!
=============================
A woman was on the way to winning $100,000 on a game show, but her final question was suspended for the next night. Her husband sneaked into the studio and found the question and answer.
He raced home and told his wife "Your question is 'What are the three main parts of the male anatomy', and the answer is 'The head, heart and penis'". The woman thinks about this throughout the night, but keeps forgetting the answer. Her husband keeps reminding her "The head, heart and penis".
Come the game show she has forgotten again, and the presenter asks "For $100,000, what are the three main parts of the male anatomy? You have ten seconds".
"Um... the head".
"Good. Eight seconds".
"Um... the heart".
"That's right. Five seconds".
"Oh... umm... damn. My husband drilled it into me last night and I had it on the tip of my tongue this morning..." "That's close enough! You've won $100,000!"
=============================
Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus. So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy". The blind man replies "If you would've put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus... so shut the **** up!"
=============================
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you." To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!
========================
Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out. Both were very faithful and loving wives, however they had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers.
Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to Pee, so they stopped in the cemetery.
One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take off her panties and use them.
Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them.
She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that.
After the girls did their business they proceeded to go home.
The next day one of the woman's husband was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said:
'These girl nights out have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst. . . My wife came home with no panties!!'
'That's nothing' said the other husband, 'Mine came back with a card stuck to her ass that Said..
'From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never forget you.''
=============================
I have always questioned if Jessie Jackson and Al Sharpton were really preachers since they have no church.
When I heard Al Sharpton was guest preacher at a black Harrisburg Church, I decided to check him out in person and see what it was all about.........
I sat down and Sharpton came up to me, I don't know why, maybe it was because I was the only white person in the Church. He laid his hands on my hand and said: "By the will of Jesus the Lord Almighty, and the will of God, you will walk today."
I told him I was not paralyzed. He came back and laid his hands on me again, and repeated the same thing.
Again I told him there is nothing wrong with me.
After the sermon I stepped outside and, lo and behold, my ****ing car had been stolen!
=============================
A woman was on the way to winning $100,000 on a game show, but her final question was suspended for the next night. Her husband sneaked into the studio and found the question and answer.
He raced home and told his wife "Your question is 'What are the three main parts of the male anatomy', and the answer is 'The head, heart and penis'". The woman thinks about this throughout the night, but keeps forgetting the answer. Her husband keeps reminding her "The head, heart and penis".
Come the game show she has forgotten again, and the presenter asks "For $100,000, what are the three main parts of the male anatomy? You have ten seconds".
"Um... the head".
"Good. Eight seconds".
"Um... the heart".
"That's right. Five seconds".
"Oh... umm... damn. My husband drilled it into me last night and I had it on the tip of my tongue this morning..." "That's close enough! You've won $100,000!"
=============================
Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus. So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy". The blind man replies "If you would've put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus... so shut the **** up!"
=============================
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you." To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!
========================
One day a blond walks into a doctors office with both of her ears burnt. The doctor askes her what had happened. She says, "well... when I was ironing my work suit the phone rang and I mistakanly picked up the iron instead of the phone. "Well that explains one ear, but what about the other." "The ******* called again". 
Irish Diet
Irish Diet
An Irishman was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet.
"I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a full day, and repeat
This procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you should have
Lost at least 5 pounds."
When the Irishman returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost
Nearly 60 POUNDS!
"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my
Instructions?"
The Irishman nodded..."I'll tell you though, by jaesuz, I t'aut I were
Going to drop dead on dat 3rd day."
"From hunger, you mean?"
"No, from f**kin' skippin", the Irishman said.
Irish Diet
An Irishman was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet.
"I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a full day, and repeat
This procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you should have
Lost at least 5 pounds."
When the Irishman returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost
Nearly 60 POUNDS!
"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my
Instructions?"
The Irishman nodded..."I'll tell you though, by jaesuz, I t'aut I were
Going to drop dead on dat 3rd day."
"From hunger, you mean?"
"No, from f**kin' skippin", the Irishman said.
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