A few more laughs ....

[colsy]

Safe in your own home

I've torn out my house alarm system and de-registered from the neighbourhood watch group. I've got two Pakistani flags raised in my garden, one in each corner and the black flag of ISIS in the centre. The local Police, MI5 and other intelligence agencies are now watching my house 24/7. I've never felt safer.

 

[colsy]

Winter !!

Wife texts husband on a cold winter's morning;
"Windows frozen, won't open.”

Husband texts back;
"Gently pour some lukewarm water over it."

Wife texts back 5 minutes later;
"Computer really Stuffed now."

 

[colsy]

Three Holy Men

Definitely a new twist on things…

A Catholic Priest, a Baptist Preacher and a Rabbi all served as
Chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University at Marquette
in the Upper Peninsula of Michigan. They would get together two or
three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.

One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really
all that hard, a real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing
led to another, and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go
out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert
it to their religion.

Seven days later, they got together to discuss their experiences.

Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling, was on crutches, and had
various bandages on his body and limbs, went first

'Well,' he said, 'I went into the woods to find a bear. And when I
found him, I began to read to him from my Catechism. Well, that bear
wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I grabbed
my holy water bottle, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he
became as gentle as a lamb. The Bishop is coming out next week to give
him first communion and confirmation.'

Reverend Billy Bob the Baptist spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, had
one arm and both legs in casts. In his best fire-and-brimstone oratory,
he exclaimed, 'WELL, brothers, you KNOW that we Baptists don't sprinkle
holy water! I went out and I FOUND a bear. And then I began to read to
the bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with
me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down the
hill until we came to a creek. So I quickly DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his
hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We
spent the rest of the day praising Jesus. Hallelujah!

The Priest and the Reverend both looked down at the Rabbi, who was
lying in bed in a body cast and traction with IVs and monitors running
in and out of him. He was in extremely bad shape.


The Rabbi said: "Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the
best way to start.

 

[colsy]

A new little Johnny...

The teacher asked the class to use the word “fascinate” in a sentence.
Molly put up her hand and said, “My family went to my granddad’s farm, and we all saw his pet sheep.
It was fascinating”.
The teacher said, “That was good, but I wanted you to use the word “fascinate, not fascinating”.
Sally raised her hand. She said, “My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated”. The teacher said, “Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word fascinate”.
Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before.
She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word “fascinate” so she called on him.
Johnny said, “My aunt Carolyn has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight!”
The teacher sat down and cried.

I love this little *******!!!

 

[colsy]

It's a comin

Three strangers strike up a conversation in the passenger lounge in Bozeman, Montana, while waiting for their respective flights...



One is an American Indian passing through from Lame Deer, another is a Cowboy on his way to Billings for a livestock show and the third passenger is a fundamentalist Arab student, newly arrived at Montana State University from the Middle East .



Their discussion drifts to their diverse cultures. Soon, the two Westerners learn that the Arab is a devout, radical Muslim and the conversation falls into an uneasy lull.



The cowboy leans back in his chair, crosses his boots on a magazine table, tips his big sweat-stained hat forward over his face, and lights a cigarette. The wind outside is blowing tumbleweeds around, and the old windsock is lapping; but still no plane comes.



Finally, the American Indian clears his throat and softly he speaks, 'At one time here... my people were many...

but sadly, now we are few.'



The Muslim student raises an eyebrow and leans forward, 'Once my people were few,' he sneers, 'and now we are many. Why do you suppose that is?'

The cowboy removes his cigarette from his mouth and from the darkness beneath his Stetson says in a smooth drawl .



'I reckon that's 'cause we ain't played Cowboys and Muslims yet,

But I do believe it's a-comin'.

 

[colsy]

Got another one ...

The rain was pouring and there was a big puddle in front of the pub. A ragged old man was standing there with a rod and hanging a string into the puddle.
A tipsy- looking, curious gentleman came over to him and asked what he was doing.
'Fishing,' the old man said simply.
'Poor old fool,' the gentleman thought and he invited the ragged old man to a drink in the pub.
As he felt he should start some conversation while they were sipping their whisky, the gentleman asked,
'And how many have you caught?'
'You're the eighth,' the old man answered.

 

[colsy]

COPPER COATED MICROCHIP IMPLANT ALLOWS TERRORISTS TO SPEAK TO GOD

The implant is specifically designed to be injected in the forehead.

When properly installed, it will instantly allow the terrorist to speak to God.

It comes in various sizes: Generally from ..223 to .50 cal.

cid:[email protected]


The exact size of the implant will be selected by a well-trained and highly skilled technician, who will also make the injection.

No Anesthetic is required. The implant is likely to be painless.

Side effects, like headaches, nausea, aches or pains are extremely temporary.

Some bleeding or swelling may occur at the injection site. In most cases, its not noticeable.

Please enjoy the security provided for you by the Armed Forces of Canada

 

[colsy]

Car Joke

A German guy approaches a lady of the night. "I vish to buy sex viz you."
"OK," says the girl, "I'll charge 20 an hour."
"..ist goot, but I must varn, I am little kinky."
"No problem," she replies cautiously, "I can do a little kinky." So off
they go to the girl's place, where the German produces four large
bedsprings and a duck caller.
"I vant zat you tie ze springs to each of your hans und knees." The girl
finds this most odd, but complies, fastening the springs as he had said,
to her hands and knees.
"Now you vill get on your hans und knees." She does this, balancing
precariously on the springs.
"You vill please to blow zis kwacker as I make the love to you." She
finds it odd, but figures it's harmless (and the guy is paying.)
She finds the sex is fantastic, as she is bounced all over the room by
the energetic German, all the time honking on the duck caller. The
climax is the most sensational that she has ever experienced and it is
several minutes before she has enough breath to say, "That was totally
amazing, what do you call that position ?"
"Ah," says the German, "zat is ze four-sprung Duck technique."

 

[colsy]

Saturday Specials

The Priest, in a small town had become very perturbed, and he decided to lay it on the line to the congregation.
"Brothers, sisters," he said solemnly, "it has come to my attention that there are tales to the effect that immorality is rampant in our fair town. To be specific, it is being said that there is not one virgin left here. This vile lie must and shall be refuted. In order to do so, I ask every virgin in the congregation to rise."
Not a woman stirred.
The priest said, "I understand the modesty that would make a young lady hesitate to announce her condition publicly, but it is necessary to do so. Young women, I conjure those to rise who are truly virgins."
And still not a woman stirred.
Wrath now moved the priest. "Will you, for the fear of experiencing a small shame, incur a great one? This is an order from the Almighty: Let all virgins stand!"
And as his thunderous tones died away, a young lady, far in the rear, with a baby in her arms, rose bashfully.
The preacher stared with astonishment at the baby, then said, "Young woman, I'm asking the virgins to stand."
And the young lady answered indignantly, "Well, father, do you expect this six-month-old girl to stand by herself...?"

=============================

Bill goes inside the confessional and says, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned."
"What did you do, my son?" asked the priest.
"Yesterday, I was walking along the beach at night, and I decided to explore a cave near the shore. When turned on my flashlight, I witnessed two men having sex."
"Oh, so you were the jerk with the flashlight."

============================

Dr. Epstein was a renowned physician who earned his undergraduate, graduate, and medical degrees in his home town and then left for Manhattan, where he quickly rose to the top of his field.
Soon he was invited to deliver a significant paper, at a conference, coincidentally held in his home town. He walked on stage and placed his papers on the lectern, but they slid off onto the floor. As he bent over to retrieve them, at precisely the wrong instant, he inadvertently farted.
The microphone amplified his mistake resoundingly through the room and reverberated it down the hall! He was quite embarrassed but somehow regained his composure just enough to deliver his paper. He ignored the resounding applause and raced out the stage door, never to be seen in his home town again.
Decades later, when his elderly mother was ill, he returned to visit her.
He reserved a hotel room under the name of Levy and arrived under cover of darkness.
The desk clerk asked him, “Is this your first visit to our city, Mr. Levy?”
Dr. Epstein replied, “Well, young man, no, it isn’t. I grew up here and received my education here, but then I moved away.”
“Why haven’t you visited?” asked the desk clerk.
“Actually, I did visit once, many years ago, but an embarrassing thing happened and since then I’ve been too ashamed to return.”
The clerk consoled him. “Sir, while I don’t have your life experience, one thing I have learned is that often what seems embarrassing to me isn’t even remembered by others. I bet that’s true of your incident too.”
Dr. Epstein replied, ” I doubt that’s the case with my incident.”
“Was it a long time ago?”
“Yes, son, many years.”
The clerk asked, “Was it before or after the Epstein Fart?”

==============================

The wife was starving so her husband made her a great big cheese and chicken salad sandwich.
"Don't eat it just yet, just hold the plate" he said.
Five minutes later he took it off her and threw it in the bin.
"What the HECCKKK?!" she shouted.
"Remember this feeling," he answered, "Next time you come to bed all sexy, in a nightie, smelling gorgeous and ask me just to hold you."

 

[kazand]

Ah, my Saturday morning Colsy. Means all is ok with the world and I can get up.....
Keep em coming mate!

 

[colsy]

Ah, my Saturday morning Colsy. Means all is ok with the world and I can get up.....
Keep em coming mate!

haha ..thanks my friend ,I do my best to contribute to the Site

 

[colsy]

When I was Young

When I was in school I was told:

***** was a CAT
SEX meant GENDER
BITCH was a FEMALE DOG
**** was a NAME
BANG was a SOUND
RUBBER was an ERASER
ASS was an ANIMAL
SCREW was just a TOOL
HEAD meant a PART OF BODY
BALLS meant a ROUND TOY
NUTS meant DRY FRUIT
69 was just a NUMBER
.
.
.
.
.

and then I came across all you dirty feckers and my education was ruined.

 

[colsy]

Priest's retirement speech

A priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner.
However, he was delayed, so the Priest decided to say his own few words while they waited: Thank Goodness we have a wonderful sense of humor!

I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents; embezzled from his employer; had an affair with his boss’s wife; had sex with his boss’s 17 year old daughter on numerous occasions, taken illegal drugs; had several homosexual affairs; was arrested several times for public nudity .

I was appalled that one person could do so many awful things. But as the days went on, I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people.

Just as the Priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk: I’ll never forget the first day our parish Priest arrived, said the politician. In fact, I had the honor of being the first person to go to him for confession.

Moral: Never, Never, Never Be Late

 

[colsy]

Telephone Poles

The telephone company needed to hire four more telephone pole installers and the choice came down to two from Poland and two Irishmen.
So the boss met both teams and said "Here's what we'll do. Each team will be installing poles out on the new road for a day. The team that installs the most poles gets the job."
Both teams headed right out. At end of the shift, when the two Polish guys reported back, the boss asked them how many they had installed. They said it was tough going but they'd put in 12.
Forty-five minutes later, Paddy and Mick came back in, totally exhausted.
"Well, how many poles did you guys install?" said the boss
Mick wiped his brow and sighed, "Paddy and me, we got three in. "
The boss gasped, "Three? Those two Polish blokes put in 12!"
"Yeah," said Mick, "but you should see how much they left sticking out of the ground. "

 

[colsy]

Lexophilia

Lexophilia


"Lexophile" is a word used to describe those that have a love for words, such as "you can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish", or "to write with a broken pencil is pointless."

A competition to see who can come up with the best lexophiles is held every year in an undisclosed location. This year's winning submission is posted at the very end.

.. When fish are in schools, they sometimes take debate.

.. A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

.. When the smog lifts in Los Angeles U.C.L.A.

.. The batteries were given out free of charge.

.. A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.

.. A will is a dead giveaway.

.. With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

.. A boiled egg is hard to beat.

.. When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.

.. Police were summoned to a daycare center where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

.. Did you hear about the fellow whose entire left side was cut off? He's all right now.

.. A bicycle can't stand alone; it's just two tired.

.. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

.. The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine is now fully recovered.

.. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

.. When she saw her first strands of grey hair she thought she'd dye.

.. Acupuncture is a jab well done. That's the point of it.

And the cream of the twisted crop:

.. Those who get too big for their pants will be totally exposed in the end.

 

[colsy]

A Damn Fine Explanation

The wife came home early and found her husband in their
> > bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman.
> > And she was upset. 'You are a disrespectful pig!'
> > she cried. 'How dare you do this to me -- a
> > faithful wife, the Mother of your children! I'm
> > leaving you. I want a divorce right away!' And the
> > husband replied, 'Hang on just a minute love, so
> > at least I can tell you what happened.'
> >
> > 'Go ahead,' she sobbed,' but they'll be the
> > last words you'll say to me!'
> > And the husband began -- 'Well, I was
> > getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here
> > asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out, and
> > defenseless, that I took pity on her, and let her into the
> > car.
> > I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed, and very
> > dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days.
> > So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the
> > enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you
> > wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight.
> > The poor thing devoured them in moments.
> > Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and
> > while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty
> > and full of holes, so I threw them away.
> > Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans
> > that you have had for a few years, but don't wear,
> > because you say they are too tight.
> > I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary
> > present, which you don't wear, because I don't have
> > good taste.
> > I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas
> > that you don't wear, just to annoy her, and I also
> > donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and
> > don't wear, because someone at work has a pair the
> > same.'
> > The husband took a quick breath and continued - 'She was
> > so grateful for my understanding and help, that as I walked
> > her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said,
> >
> >
> >
> > 'Please ... Do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?
> >
> >
> >

 

[colsy]

Stunt Pilot

>> A young girl walks into a supermarket and on her way round she sees the bloke who had his wicked way with her the previous evening, after they had met and chatted in a pub.
>>
>> He was stacking washing powder boxes on the shelves.
>>
>> "You lying toad" she yells" last night you told me you were a stunt pilot"
>>
>> "No" he says "I told you I was a member of the Ariel display team"

 

[colsy]

One for Saturday

Little April was not the best student in Sunday school. Usually she
slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was
napping, "Tell me, April, who created the universe?" When April didn't
stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin
and jabbed her in the rear. "GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted April and the
teacher said, "Very good" and April fell back asleep. A while later the
teacher asked April, "Who is our Lord and Saviour," But, April didn't
even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and
stuck her again. "JESUS CHRIST!" shouted April and the teacher said,
"very good," and April fell back to sleep. Then the teacher asked April
a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her
twenty-third child?" And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This
time April jumped up and shouted, "IF YOU STICK THAT F*****G THING IN ME
ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ARSE!" The
Teacher fainted.

 

[colsy]

5 year old !

He was staring sadly into his beer and sighed heavily.
“What’s up Bob?” asked the bartender…It’s not like you to be so down in the mouth.”

“It’s my five year old son…” the man replied.

“Don’t tell me, he’s in trouble for fighting in school? – my lad’s just the same – forget about it; it happens to boys that age,” said the bartender, sympathetically.

“ I only wish it was that,” continued the customer, “ but it’s far worse than that.
The little devil has got our gorgeous 18 year old next door neighbor pregnant.”


“Get away, that’s impossible!”
gasped the bartender.

“It’s not,” said the man. "The little ******* stuck a pin in all my condoms.”

 

[colsy]

A Bridge too far ...

A man on his Harley was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, God said, 'because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.'

The biker pulled over and said, 'Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want.'

God replied, 'Your request is materialistic; think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind.'

The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, 'God, I wish that I, and all men, could understand women; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, why she snaps and complains when I try to help, and how I can make a woman truly happy.

God replied: 'You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"