Monday Funnies....some repeats I'm afraid
Tom and his boss
One morning Tom calls to his boss:
- Good morning, boss, unfortunately I'm not coming to work today. I'm really sick. I got a headache, stomach ache, and my both hands and legs hurt, so I'm not coming into work."
The boss replies:
- You know Tom, I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife, and tell her to give me sex. That makes me feel better, and I can go to work. You should try that.
2 hours later Bob calls:
- Boss, I followed your advise, and I feel great! I'll be at work soon. By the way, you got nice house.
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2 fleas on a fanny,
One's a junkie
One's a pervert
How can you tell them apart?
The junkies sniffing the crack,
And the pervert was hiding in the bush
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Little Johnny was sitting in class when his teacher picked him to answer a question : "Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one how many would be left ? "
"None " replied Johnny "The rest would fly away because of the noise. " "Well, the answer is four," said the teacher, "but I like the way you're thinking."
Little Johnny decides to get his own back….. He says, "I have a question for you. If three women had ice-lollies, one was biting it, one was licking it and one was sucking it, which one is married?" "Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking it."
"No," said Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you're thinking."
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A little boy goes to his dad and asks, 'What is Politics?'
Dad says, 'Well son, let me try to explain it this way:
I am the head of the family, so call me The Prime Minister.
Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government.
We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you he People.
The nanny, we will consider her the Working Class.
And your baby brother, we will call him the Future.
Now think about that and see if it makes sense.'
So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.
Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him.
He finds that the baby has severely soiled his nappy.
So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother asleep.
Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room.
Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny.
He gives up and goes back to bed.
The next morning, the little boy says to his father, 'Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now.'
The father says, 'Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.'
The little boy replies,
'The Prime Minister is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep.
The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep ****.
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I was reading my 15yr old son the legend of the small Dutch boy who saved Holland from flooding ..... by sticking his finger in a dyke.
He said .... "She must have been one hell of a squirter" !
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An old man woke up in the middle of the night and found, to his utter astonishment, that his pecker was as hard as a rock for the first time in two years. He shook his wife by the shoulder until she woke up and showed her his enormous boner. "You see that thing, woman?" he happily exclaimed. "What do you think we ought to do with it?" With one eye open, his wife replied "Well, now that you've got all the wrinkles out, this might be a good time to wash it".
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One day during the family lunch the youngest son Paul asks his father:
- Daddy, what is the difference between potential and reality?
Daddy turns to his wife and gives her a question:
- Would you sleep with George Clooney for 1 million $?
- Certainly, I would never waste such opportunity, - tells the wife
Daddy turns to his teenage daughter:
- Maria, would you sleep with Brad Pitt for 1 million $?
- Surely! He is my fantasy, his posters are all over the walls of my room.
Daddy turns to his eldest son Raul and asks:
- Would you sleep with Tom Cruise for 1 million $!
Eldest son thinks a little and replies:
- Why not? Imagine what I could do with that money. So yes, I would sleep.
Then daddy turns back to his youngest son Paul and explains him:
- You see, Paul, potentially we are sitting with multi millionaires but in reality we are sitting with two prostitutes and one gay…
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A businessman is seated next to an absolutely gorgeous woman on a plane. After they exchange brief hellos, he notices she is reading a manual of sexual statistics. He asks her about it, and she replies, "This is a very interesting book. It says that Native Americans have the longest average penis and Polish men have the biggest average diameter. By the way, my name is Jill. What's yours?"
He coolly replies, "Tonto Kowalski -- nice to meet you."
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A boss said to his secretary I want to have SEX with you I will make it very fast. I'll throw $1000 on the floor, by the time you bend down to pick it I'll be done. She thought for a moment then called her boyfriend and told him the story. Her boyfriend then said to her, do it but "Ask him for $2000, pick up the money very fast he wouldn't even have enough time to undressed himself." So she agrees. Half an hour goes by, the boyfriend decides to call girlfriend, he asks, what happened? She responds, "The ******* used coins I'm still picking and he is still ****ing!"
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A few months after his parents were divorced, little Johnny passed by his mom's bedroom and saw her rubbing her body and moaning, "I need a man, I need a man!" Over the next couple of months, he saw her doing this several times. One day, he came home from school and heard her moaning. When he peeked into her bedroom, he saw a man on top of her. Little Johnny ran into his room, took off his clothes, threw himself on his bed, started stroking himself, and moaning, "Ohh, I need a bike! I need a bike!"
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A man goes to the doctor and says "I've got this sex
problem, Doc, You've got to
help me". "Well" says the quack "tell me about your average day". "It all starts in the middle of the night. My wife always wakes me up at about 3am and again at about 5am for nookie. Later, we can spend a couple of hours making love before I go to work!" "Oh I see" says the doc.
"No, hang on" says the young man "you see, when I get on the train to work I meet this girl every day, we get a compartment to ourselves and have sex all the way there". "Oh... now I see" says the quack.
"No you don't" says our hero. "When I get to work my secretary really fancies me and I have to give her one in the storeroom". "Oh.... NOW I see" says the quack.
"No, no, no" says the randy bugger. "When I go to lunch I meet this dinner lady I'm very fond of, and we nip out the back for a quickie". "Now I understand" says the extremely patient doctor.
"No, hang on" says the man. "When I get back to work in the afternoon my boss - a very demanding lady I might add - has to have me or she says she'll give me the sack!" "Ahh...." says the doctor "now I see".
"No, there's more" says our man, almost in tears. "When I get home my wife is so pleased to see me she gives me a blow job before dinner and then we have sex afterwards!" By now, the exasperated doctor is beginning to lose his cool "So just what is your
problem?!" "Well..." says our hero "it hurts when I wank".
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A woman has sued her local hospital, saying that after her husband
was recently treated, he has lost all interest in sex.
A hospital spokesman replied –
“The man was admitted in Ophthalmology -- all we did was
correct his eyesight.”
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