A few more laughs ....

[colsy]

About those 72 virgins ....

An 18-year-old suicide bomber blew himself up and appeared before Allah.
He said, "Oh, Allah, I did your bidding, but I have a request.
Since I'm only 18 and spent all my time in terrorist training school, I never was with a woman. So, instead of 72 virgins, who also won't know what to do sexually, can I have 72 *****s?"
Allah regarded him for a moment, then replied, "Actually, the 72 virgins are here in heaven because assholes like you murdered them before they could experience the pleasure of sex. So 'you're' here to service 'them.' Since they're virgins, they're quite sexually ravenous; and, frankly, you'll be on constant, exhausting duty."
The bomber responded, "Well, I guess I can live with that. How hard can it be to keep 72 women satisfied for all eternity?"

And Allah replied, "Who said they were women?"

 

[colsy]

Power of the Shrimp

A Catholic nun was sitting on a train opposite a
Muslim man wearing a turban, who was eating fresh shrimp.

Every time he ate one, he spat the tail in her
direction, requiring her to deflect it.

He finished the box and threw it out the window.

Seeing this, she had enough, and pulled the train's Emergency Cord.

The Muslim looked at her and said, "You'll get fined $250 for doing
that, you stupid, Infidel, worthless Catholic bitch."

She laughed and said, "When I cry rape and they
smell your fingers, you'll get 10 years, you towel-headed camel-****er!!

 

[colsy]

A Reason to have BUPA !

A wealthy hospital benefactor was being shown around the hospital when during her tour, she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating furiously.
Oh my GOD!!" screamed the woman, "That's disgraceful!!! Why is he doing that??"
The doctor who was leading the tour calmly explained, "I'm very sorry that you were exposed to that, but this man has a serious condition where his testicles rapidly fill with semen, and if he doesn't do that at least 5 times a day, he'll be in extreme pain and his testicles could easily rupture".
"Oh well, in that case, I guess it's ok," commented the woman.
In the very next room, a male patient was lying in bed and it was obvious that a nurse was performing oral sex on him. Again, the woman screamed, "Oh my GOD!! How can THAT be justified?"
Again the doctor spoke very calmly, "Same illness - but he's with BUPA."

 

[colsy]

Finally together

The end of a busy life !


> Judy and Ted got married and had 13 children.

> Then Ted died of Heart Disease.

> She married again, and she & Bob had 7 more children.
> Bob was killed in a car accident, 12 years later.

> Again Judy remarried, and this time

> She & John had 5 more children.

> Judy finally died, after having 25 children.

> Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her.

> He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said,

> "Lord, they are finally together."

> Ethel leaned over and quietly asked her best friend,
> Margaret:

> "Margaret, do you think he means her 1st, 2nd, or 3rd
> husband?"
> Margaret replied: "I think he means her legs, Ethel..."

 

[colsy]

H m customs

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her...
'Father, may I ask a favour?'
'Of course, child. What may I do for you?'
'Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?'
'I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie.'
'With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.'
When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her.
The official asked, 'Father, do you have anything to declare?'
'From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.'
The official thought this answer strange, so asked, 'And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?'
'I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.'
Roaring with laughter, the official said, 'Go ahead, Father. Next!'

 

[colsy]

Unvarnished truths

SIMPLE TRUTH AND NOTHING BUT THE SIMPLE TRUTH!!

SIMPLE TRUTH 1

Lovers help each other undress before sex.

However after sex, they always dress on their own.

Moral of the story: In life, no one helps you once you're screwed.


SIMPLE TRUTH 2

When a lady is pregnant, all her friends touch the stomach and say, "Congrats".

but, none of them touch the man's penis and say, "Good job".

Moral of the story: Hard work is never appreciated.

FIVE RULES TO REMEMBER IN LIFE

1. Money cannot buy happiness, but it's more comfortable to cry in a Corvette than on a bicycle.

2. Forgive your enemy, but remember the asshole's name.

3. If you help someone when they're in trouble, they will remember you when they're in trouble again..

4. Many people are alive only because it's illegal to shoot them.

5. Alcohol does not solve any problems, but then neither does milk.


Bonus:
Condoms don't guarantee safe sex.
A friend of mine was wearing one,when he was shot by the woman's husband.

 

[colsy]

Tolerance for Muslims

Jiggs McDonald, NHL Hall of Fame broadcaster speaking in Orillia,
Ontario, said, "I am truly perplexed that so many of my friends are against
another mosque being built in Toronto. I think it should be the goal of
every Canadian to be tolerant regardless of their religious beliefs. Thus,
the mosque should be allowed, in an effort to promote tolerance.

That is why I also propose that two nightclubs be opened next door to
the mosque, thereby promoting tolerance from within the mosque. We could
call one of the clubs, which would be gay, "The Turban Cowboy, " and the
other a topless bar called "You Mecca Me Hot."

Next door should be a butcher shop that specializes in pork, and
adjacent to that an open-pit barbecue pork restaurant called, "Iraq o'
Ribs."

Across the street there could be a lingerie store called "Victoria
Keeps Nothing Secret," with sexy mannequins in the window modeling the
goods.

Next door to the lingerie shop there would be liquor store called,
"Morehammered."

All of this would encourage Muslims to demonstrate the very same
tolerance they demand of us, so their mosque issue would not be a problem
for others.

 

[shnazzle]

love the last one

 

[colsy]

Lawyers

I may have put this up before ...sorry but it is funny anyway




IT CAN BE HARD KEEPING A STRAIGHT FACE AS A COURT REPORTER These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said , 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No , I just lie there.

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do..
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes , voodoo.

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor , isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep , he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son , the 20-year-old , how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20 , much like your IQ.

___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shi***ng me?

_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.

____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.

_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them.. The live ones put up too much of a fight.

_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral , OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral...

_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not , he was by the time I finished.

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?

______________________________________

And last: ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

 

[bigbadjay]

Great laughs keep em coming, subscribed!

Sent from my HTC One X+ using Tapatalk 2

 

[cupra-barn]

Some of this court ones are pretty good.

 

[colsy]

Guy named brian

A man walked out to the street and caught a taxi just going by. He got into the taxi, and the cabbie said, "Perfect timing. You're just like Brian"


Passenger: "Who?"


Cabbie: "Brian . He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happen like that to Brian , every single time."


Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."


Cabbie: "Not Brian . He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."


Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."


Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Brian , he could do everything right."


Passenger: "Wow. Some guy then."


Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Brian, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Brian ..."


Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"


Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Brian. He died. I'm married to his
f****ing widow."

 

[colsy]

Ladies of a certain age !

54 year old woman had
a heart attack and was taken to the hospital..

While on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing God she
asked "Is my time up?"

God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to
live."

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a
face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck.
She even had someone come in and change her hair colour and brighten her teeth!
Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of
it.

After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.

Arriving in front of God, she demanded"I thought you said I had another 43 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the
ambulance?"



(You'll love this)




God replied: "I didn't recognize you."

 

[bigbadjay]

Awesome!

Just as i scrolled down it revealed the punchline lol

Sent from my HTC One X+ using Tapatalk 2

 

[colsy]

Hot and Cold Sex

After his exam the doctor said to the elderly man: "You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?"
"In fact, I do," said the old man. "After I have sex I am usually cold and chilly, and then, after I have sex with her the second time, I am usually hot and sweaty."
After examining his elderly wife, the doctor said: "Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?" The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns.
The doctor then said to her: "Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually cold and chilly after having sex with you the first time, and then hot and sweaty after the second time. Do you know why?"
"Oh that crazy old fart," she replied.
"That's because the first time is usually in January and the second time is in August."

 

[Kywy]

Colsy, Thank you for a most enjoyable thread. Now if only I can remember a few of the jokes, Doh !

 

[colsy]

Sgt's Mess

^^^^^^^^^^cheers pal ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^


A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the oasis only to find a British soldier selling regimental ties.


The Taliban asked, "Do you have water?" The soldier replied, "There is no water, the well is dry. Would you like to buy a tie instead? They are only £10

The Taliban shouted, "You idiot infidel! I do not need an over-priced tie. I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first!" "OK," said the soldier, "It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that, and that I am a much better human being than you.


If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find our Sergeant's Mess. It has all the ice cold water you need.
“Inshallah.”

Cursing him, the Taliban staggered away over the hill.

Several hours later he staggered back, collapsed with dehydration & rasped......"They won't let me in without a tie!”

 

[bigbadjay]

))-

Sent from my HTC One X+ using Tapatalk 2

 

[colsy]

The RN do it right

Recently a 42 Commando Royal Marine Recce Troop captured a Taliban leader in Afghanistan and took him to a warehouse where they gave him a dice.
The Sergeant says ''Roll the dice and if you get a 1 2 3 4 or 5 your head comes off''
The Taliban leader asks ''What if I throw a 6?''
The Sergeant replies "You get to throw again"!

 

[colsy]

Smile it's the start of a new week

The Vatican has revealed that Jimmy Saville was only two sexual assaults away from getting his own Parish.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Paddy buys a chainsaw which guarantees to cut down 40 trees in an hour.
Paddy sets to work but only cuts 10 in the hour. So he takes it back to the shop. He says to the shop owner
'Dis doesn't cut 40 trees an hour, I've only done 10!
With that the shop owner starts up the chainsaw.
Paddy looks at him and says 'bloody' hell what's that noise?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
You can tell a lot about a woman by the way she walks:
if she sways her hips from side to side she is good in bed
if she takes small steps she is unadventurous and
if she is tiptoeing away from you she has just nicked your credit card
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Just got back from a friend’s funeral who drowned last week.
I got a lot of abuse from his relatives about my floral tribute in the shape of a life jacket.
But as I told everyone. "It’s what he would have wanted!"
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Went out shopping with the wife earlier and costa were offering a free coffee to anyone with a moustache in November - she's a jammy bitch!!!
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


An Italian, a Frenchman and an Aussie were talking about screams of passion.
The Italian said:
"Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with the finest extra virgin olive oil, then we made passionate love and I made her scream, non stop for five minutes."
The Frenchman said:
"Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with special aphrodisiac oil from Provence and then we made passionate love. I made her scream for fifteen minutes straight."
The Aussie said:
That's nothing. Last night I massaged my wife, y'know, all over her body with a special butter. I caressed her entire body with the butter, and then made love and I made her scream for two long hours."
The Italian and Frenchman, astonished, asked, "Two full hours? ..wow! that's phenomenal. How did you do it to make her scream for two hours?"
The Aussie replied …
"I wiped my hands on the curtains".
--------------------------------------------------------------------------



Another meat scare

This time it is from China , according to media they have been selling Quarter-Pandas...