A few more laughs ....

[colsy]

Elton and david's baby

They had their sperm mixed together and a surrogate mother was artificially inseminated.

When the baby was born Elton and David were ushered into a ward where a dozen babies were lying in their cots, eleven of them crying and screaming.

In the corner, one baby was lying serenely. A nurse came over to both of them and indicated that the happy child was theirs.

"Isn't it wonderful?" Elton asked David. "All these crying babies....and yet our baby is so content. This just proves the superiority of gay love!

"The nurse said, "Oh sure, he's happy now, but just watch what happens when I pull the dummy out of his arse...."

 

[colsy]

A,b,c,d,e,f,g,h,i,j,k

After being married for thirty years, a wife asked
her husband to describe her.


He looked at her for a while, then said,
"You're an alphabet wife ..... A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K."

She asks ... "What the hell does that mean?"

He said,"Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous,
and Hot".

She smiled happily and said ...
"Oh, that's so lovely, but what about I, J, K?"

He said, "I'm Just Kidding!"

The swelling in his eye is going down and
the doctor is fairly optimistic about saving
his testicles.

 

[colsy]

Little old Lady in Court

Defense Attorney: Will you please state your age?
Old Lady: I am 94 years old.
Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own... Words, what happened the night of April 1st?
Old Lady: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.
Defense Attorney: Did you know him?
Old Lady: No, but he sure was friendly.
Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down?
Old Lady: He started to rub my thigh.
Defense Attorney: Did you stop him?
Old Lady: No, I didn't stop him.
Defense Attorney: Why not?
Little Old Lady: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years ago.
Defense Attorney: What happened next?
Old Lady: He began to rub all over of my body.
Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then?
Old Lady: No, I did not stop him.
Defense Attorney: Why not?
Old Lady: His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!
Defense Attorney: What happened next?
Old Lady: Well, by then, I was feeling so "spicy" that I just laid down and told him 'Take me, young man. Take me now! '
Defense Attorney: Did he take you?
Old Lady: Hell, no! He just yelled, "April Fool!"
And that's when I shot him, the little *******.

 

[colsy]

You'll like this one

A couple were lying in bed together on the morning of their tenth wedding anniversary when the wife says,

'Darling, as this is such a special occasion, I think that it is time I made a confession.

Before we were married I was a hooker for eight years.'

The husband ponders for a moment and then looks into his wife's eyes and says,

'My love, you have been a perfect wife for ten years, I cannot hold your past against you,

in fact maybe you could show me a few tricks of the trade and spice up our sex life a bit ?'

She replies:- 'No, I don't think you understand -

my name was Brian and I played rugby for Wales .........'

 

[colsy]

Golden Syrup

A man with a bald head and a wooden leg is invited to a
Xmas fancy dress party.
He doesn't know what to wear to hide his head and his wooden
leg, so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain his
problem. A few days later he receives a parcel with a
note:


Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a Pirate's outfit. The spotted
handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden
leg you will be just right as a Pirate. The man is
offended that the outfit emphasizes his disability, so he
writes a letter of complaint.. A week passes and he
receives another parcel and note:



Dear Sir,
Sorry about the previous parcel. Please find enclosed a
monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and
with your bald head you will really look the part. The man
is really incandescent with rage now, because the company
has gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to drawing
attention to his bald head. So he writes a really strong
letter of complaint.. A few days later he gets a very small
parcel from the company with the accompanying letter:


Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a tin of Golden Syrup.
We suggest you pour the tin of Golden Syrup over your bald
head, let it harden, then stick your wooden leg up your arse
and go as a toffee apple.

 

[colsy]

Essex Girls

An Essex girl goes to the council to register for child benefit.
'How many children?' asks the council worker.
'10' replies the Essex girl.
'10?' says the council worker. 'What are their names?'
'Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne and Wayne.'
'Doesn't that get confusing?'
'Naah...' says the Essex girl 'it’s great because if they are out playing
in the street I just have to shout WAAYNE, YER DINNER'S READY, or WAAYNE
GO TO BED NOW and they all do it...'
'What if you want to speak to one individually?' says the perturbed
council worker.
'That's easy,' says the Essex girl... 'I just use their surnames.'

An Essex girl walks into the local dry cleaners. She places a garment on
the counter.
'I'll be back tomorrow afternoon to pick up my dress.' she says.
'Come again?' says the clerk, cupping his ear.
'No' she replies. 'This time it's mayonnaise.'

Essex Girl enters a sex shop & asks for a vibrator. The man says 'Choose
from our range on the wall.'
She says 'I'll take the red one.'
The man replies 'That's a fire extinguisher.'

An Essex girl is involved in a nasty car crash and is trapped and
bleeding. The paramedics soon arrive on site.
Medic: 'It's OK I'm a paramedic and I'm going to ask you some questions?'
Girl: 'OK'
Medic: 'What's your name?'
Girl: ' Sharon.'
Medic: 'OK Sharon, is this your car?'
Sharon: 'Yes.'
Medic: 'Where are you bleeding from?'
Sharon: ' Romford, mate, an' there's no need to be pushy!'

An Essex girl was driving down the A13 when her car phone rang. It was her
boyfriend, urgently warning her, 'Treacle, I just heard on the news that
there's a car going the wrong way on the A13. Please be careful!'
'It's not just one car!' said the Essex girl, 'There's f*cking hundreds of
them!'

Another Essex girl was involved in a serious crash; there's Blood
everywhere. The paramedics arrive and drag the girl out of the car till
she's lying flat out on the ground.
Medic: 'OK, I'm going to check if you're concussed.'
Sharon: 'Ok.'
Medic: 'How many fingers am I putting up?'
Sharon: 'Oh my God, I'm paralysed from the waist down!

 

[colsy]

Retirement Bonus

The Royal Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for Retirement a bonus of £1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any Two points in his body.. The officer got to choose what those two points would be.

The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of His head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of £72,000...

The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured fromthe tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked Out with £96,000.

The third one was a non-commissioned officer, a grizzly old Chief Stoker who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied, 'From the tip of my penis to my testicles.'

It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big cheques the previous two Officers had received. But old the Chief insisted and they decided to go along with him providing the measure was taken by a Medical Officer.

The Medical Officer arrived and instructed the Chief to drop 'em,' which He did.

The Medical Officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief's penis and began to work back. Dear Lord!' he suddenly exclaimed, 'Where Are your testicles?'

The Old Chief calmly replied, ' The Falkland Islands'.

 

[colsy]

Hssan and Habib in Toronto

Hassan and Habib are beggars who beg in different areas of Toronto.
Habib begs just as long as Hassan but only collects $2 or $3 a day.
Hassan brings home suitcases FULL of $20 bills, drives a Mercedes and lives in a mortgage-free house.
Habib says to Hassan; 'I beg just as long and hard as you do and I can't understand how you manage to bring home suitcases full of money every day?
'Hassan replies; 'Look at your sign, what does it say?'
Habib's sign reads: 'I have no work, with a wife and 6 children to support'.
Hassan says, 'No wonder you get so little.'
Habib asks... 'So what does your sign say?'
Hassan shows Habib his sign.... It reads: 'I only need another $20 to move back to Pakistan!'

 

[colsy]

Pick up Line

Having already downed a few power drinks, she turned around, faced him, looked him straight in the eye and said, 'Listen here good looking, I screw anybody, any time, anywhere, your place, my place, in the car, front door, back door, on the ground, standing up, sitting down, naked or with clothes on, dirty, clean ...it doesn't matter to me. I've been doing it ever since I got out of college and I just love it.'
Eyes now wide with interest, he responded,
'No kidding. I'm a lawyer too. What firm are you with?'

 

[Wolf_gsxr]

there great. you seem to be the only one keeping this thread going haha

 

[colsy]

thanks fella...I hope they are appreciated as I don't write them myself of course I put them on to contribute to the site

 

[shnazzle]

I read every single one. Hell. I'm disappointed when there isn't one on a day!

Keep it up Colsy! Great service to us peasants

 

[colsy]

The Honest Doctor

After examining his lady patient, the doctor told her,

"Your heart, lungs, pulse & blood pressure are all fine. Now let me see that little thing which gets you ladies into all kinds of trouble."

The lady started taking her pants off but the doctor stopped her, saying,

"No, no, please keep your clothes on. Just show me your tongue."

 

[colsy]

Fluctuations

I was at my bank yesterday; there was a short line. There was just one lady in front of me, an Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for dollars. It was obvious she was a little irritated …… She asked the teller, "Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen. Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?"
The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations."
The Asian lady said, "Fluc you white people too

 

[colsy]

Nicknames

Some nicknames that have been given to Dundee characters by their
>friends and workmates:
>
>
>*Two Soups* - his real name is Campbell Baxter
>
>
>*Norrie Two Bonnets* - the Dundee taxi-driver who wears a wig under
his

>cloth cap.

>

>

>*The Colostomy* - the girlfriend of a married man (i.e. the wee bag on
the side).

>

>

>*The Boomerang Kid* - whenever anyone at work asks a question, he
always replies: 'I'll get back to you on that.'

>

>

>*The Parachute* - lets everyone down at the last minute.

>

>

>*Vaseline* - his real name is Willie Burns.

>

>

>*Rembrandt* - loves saying to colleagues: 'Let me put you in the
picture...'

>

>

>*Bo Derek* - a chap called Derek with terrible body odour.

>

>

>*The Genie* - magically appears whenever anyone opens a bottle.

>

>

>*Dulux* - his pals reckon he's only got one coat.

>

>

>*Soapy* - washes his hands of any problems that crop up..

>

>

>*The Yeti* - always on the sick. Many unconfirmed sightings of this
guy but nobody can prove he actually exists.

>

>

>*The Gas Man* - he's serviced loads of old boilers.

>

>

>*The Hostage* - when anyone asks for help he always replies: 'Sorry,
my hands are tied.'

>

>

>*The Olympic Flame* - He never goes out

>

 

[colsy]

Please Advise

Wife, being the romantic sort, sent her husband a text: If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you!

The husband, typically non-romantic, replied,

“I am on the toilet. Please advise."

 

[colsy]

You have to love a good nurse

A policeman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix.
The doctors operated and advised him that all was well; however, the policeman kept feeling something pulling at his pubic hairs .
Worried that it might be a second surgery and the doctors hadn't told him about it, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown up enough so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable.
Taped firmly across his pubic hair and private parts were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the kind that doesn't come off easily --- if at all.
Written on the tape in large black letters was the sentence, "Get well soon , from the nurse in the Land Rover you booked for speeding last week."

Kind of brings tears to your eyes doesn't it?

 

[colsy]

Who said romance was dead .....

Just got off the phone with a friend who lives in Scotland. She said that since early this morning the snow has been nearly waist high and is still falling. The temperature is dropping far below zero and the north wind is increasing to near gale force. Her husband has done nothing but look through the kitchen window and just stare. She says that if it gets much worse, she may have to let the drunken ******* in.

 

[colsy]

New disney film on hold

News just In:


Walt Disney's new film called "Jet Black" (the non racist version of "Snow White") has been put on hold.

All the 7 dwarfs : Dealer, Stealer, Mugger, Car Jack, Drive By, Pimp and MoFo, have refused to sing "Hi, Ho!".

They also say they have no intention of "Going off to work”.

-----------------------------------------------

 

[colsy]

Job at the fbi

The FBI had an opening for an assassin .
After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists;

two men and a woman.



For the final test, the FBI agents took one of

the men to a large metal door and handed

him a gun.



'We must know that you will follow your

Instructions no matter what the circumstances.



Inside the room you will find your wife sitting

in a chair . . . kill her!!'



The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could

never shoot my wife.'



The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man

for this job. Take your wife and go home.'



The second man was given the same instructions.

He took the gun and went into the room. All was

quiet for about 5 minutes.



The man came out with tears in his eyes, 'I tried,

but I can't kill my wife..' The agent said, 'You don't

have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.'



Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the

same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the

gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one

after another. They heard screaming, crashing,

banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was

quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the

woman, wiping the sweat from her brow.


'This gun is loaded with blanks' she said. 'I had to

beat him to death with the bloody chair.'



MORAL:



Women are crazy. Don't mess with them