A few more laughs ....

[colsy]

It Happened after 9 months

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north.

After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

'I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she explained. 'I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house.'

'Don't worry,' Jack said. 'We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.' The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.

Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, 'Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?'

'Yes, I do.' Said Bob.

'Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?'

'Well, um, yes!,' Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out, 'I have to admit that I did.'

'And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?'

Bob's face turned beet red and he said,
'Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did.' 'Why do you ask?'





'She just died and left me everything.'

 

[Pimped up vario]

Very good, very good indeed.

 

[colsy]

Great News about Pensions and Benefits

نور اگر رفت سايه پيدا نيست نقش ديوار و چشم خيره
ما نقش سايه دگر نمي دان نور اگر رفت سايه. ر رفت
نور اگر رفت سايه پيدا نيست نقش ديوار و چشم خيره ما نقش سايه دگر نمي دان نور اگر رفت سايه. ر رفت ديوار و چشم خيره ما نقش سايه دگر نمي دان نور اگر رفت سايه پيدانيست نقش ديوار و چشم خيره ماسايه
ديوار و چشم خيره ما نقش سايه دگر نمي دان نور اگر رفت سايه پيدانيست نقش ديوار و چشم خيره ماپيدا

نيست نقش



If I hear anything else, I'll let you know.

 

[colsy]

One word or two ?

An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time.

Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married.

Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work.

They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on.

Finally, the elderly gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.

"How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather tentatively.

"I would like it infrequently," she replied.

The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, leaned over towards her and whispered,


"Is that one word or two?"

 

[skeat12]

An elderly couple were sitting in a café chatting about what they got up to when they were younger.

The old man said “do you remember when I took you from behind against that fence over there?”

The old woman blushed and smiled.

“How about we pop over and do it again for old times sake?” he said.

“Ok” she said, “but be gentle”

After making sure the coast was clear, he hitched up her skirt and began the deed.

He was like a man possessed, the old woman was squealing with delight as he pounded like never before. Sweat was pouring off him as he moved in and out furiously.

Finally, after 20 min he came to an almighty climax. The old woman, who was completely gob-smacked at his performance said “I can’t remember it being like that the last time we did it here”

Exhausted and gasping for breath he replied “Last time we did it here, that bloody fence wasn't electrified”

 

[colsy]

Wrong Answer !!

WIFE:
What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?


HUSBAND:

Definitely not!

WIFE:

Why not - don't you like being married?

HUSBAND:

Of course I do.

WIFE:

Then why wouldn't you remarry?

HUSBAND:

Okay, I'd get married again.

WIFE:

You would? (With a hurtful look on her face).

HUSBAND:

(Makes audible groan).

WIFE:

Would you live in our house?


HUSBAND:

Sure, it's a great house.

WIFE:

Would you sleep with her in our bed?

HUSBAND:

Where else would we sleep?

WIFE:

Would you let her drive my car?

HUSBAND:

Probably, it is almost new.

WIFE:

Would you replace my pictures with hers?

HUSBAND:

That would seem like the proper thing to do.

WIFE:

Would she use my golf clubs?

HUSBAND:

No, she's left-handed.


WIFE:
- silence - -


HUSBAND:
**** ....

 

[colsy]

You're bullshittin me !

A young man walked into the local welfare office to pick up his cheque. He marched up to the counter and said, " Hi . You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job.. I don't like taking advantage of the system, getting something for nothing."

The social worker behind the counter said "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter.

You'll have to drive around in his 2012 Mercedes - Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes." "Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to say but you will also have, as part of your job, the assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20 's and has a rather strong sex drive."

The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, "You're bullshittin' me!"

The social worker said, "Yeah, well... You started it."

 

[colsy]

Scottish Compassion

A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach.
He had no arms and no legs.




Three women, from England, Wales, and Scotland, were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man.




The English woman said "Have you ever had a hug?"
The man said "No," so she gave him a hug and walked on.




The Welsh woman said, "Have you ever had a kiss?"
The man said, "No," so she gave him a kiss and walked on.




The Scottish woman came to him and said, "'ave ya ever been ****ed, laddie?"
The man broke into a big smile and said, "No".

She said, "Aye, well ya will be when the tide comes in.”


=

 

[colsy]

Last Hours

Morris returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the Doctor has told him that he has only 24 hours to live. Given the prognosis, Morris asks his wife for sex.
Naturally, she agrees, so they make love.

About 6 hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says, 'Honey, you know I now have only 18 hours to live. Could we please do it one more time?'
Of course, the wife agrees, and they do it again.

Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes that he now has only 8 hours left. He touches his wife's shoulder and asks, 'Honey, please... just one more time before I die.'She says, 'Of course, Dear,' and they make love for the third time.

After this session, the wife rolls over and falls asleep. Morris, however, worried about his impending death,tosses and turns, until he's down to 4 more hours. He taps his wife, who rouses. 'Honey, I have only 4 more hours....Do you think we could...'

At this point the wife sits up and says, 'Listen Morris, enough is enough
I have to get up in the morning.. you don't.'

 

[colsy]

Another Blonde Joke

A white guy is walking along a beach when he comes across a lamp partially buried in the sand. He picks up the lamp and gives it a rub.

Two blonde genies appear, and they tell him he has been granted three wishes.

The guy makes his three wishes and the blonde genies disappear.

The next thing the guy knows, he's in a bedroom, in

a golf-course mansion , surrounded by 50 beautiful women.

After he finally makes love to all of them,

he begins to explore this fabulous mansion.

Suddenly he feels something soft under his feet and he looks down and all the floors

are covered in $100 bills.

Then, there's a knock at the door.

He answers it and standing there are two persons dressed in ku klux klan outfits. They drag him outside to the nearest tree, throw a rope over a limb and hang him by the neck until he's

dead.


As the klansmen are walking away, they remove their hoods. It's the two blonde genies.


One blonde genie says to the other one, "i can understand the first wish having all these beautiful women in a big mansion to make love to . ...

I can also understand him wanting to be a millionaire, ........................................
But why he wanted to be hung like a black guy is beyond me" ! ! !

 

[colsy]

An Escaped Convict !!

A man escapes from a prison where he's been locked up for 15 years.

He breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife, 'Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain... do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!'

His wife responds, 'He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong. I love you, too.

 

[colsy]

The Cremated Husband

An elderly lady recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and
brought his ashes home.

Picking up the urn that he was in,
she poured him out on the patio table..

Then, while tracing
her fingers in the ashes, she started talking to him........


"You know that dishwasher you promised me? I bought it with the
Insurance money!"

She paused for a minute tracing her
fingers in the ashes then said, "Remember that car you promised me?
Well, I also bought it with the insurance money!"

Again, she paused for a few minutes and while tracing her fingers in
The ashes she said, "Remember that diamond ring you promised me?
Bought it too, with the insurance money!"

Finally, still tracing her fingers in the ashes, she said, "Remember that blow job I promised you?"


"Here it comes."

 

[colsy]

Blonde Girl and Aligator shoes

After becoming very frustrated with the attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the young blonde declared, ‘Well, then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator and get a pair of alligator shoes for free!'

The shopkeeper replied with a sly smile, 'Well, little lady, why don't you go give it a try?'

The blonde headed off to the swamp, determined to catch an alligator. Later in the day, the shopkeeper was driving home, and spotted the young woman standing waist deep in the murky water, shotgun in hand.
He saw a huge 9-foot gator swimming rapidly toward her. With lightning reflexes, the blond took aim, shot the creature and hauled it up onto the slippery bank. Nearby were 7 more dead gators all lying belly up. The shopkeeper watched in amazement as the blond struggled with the gator.

Then, rolling her eyes, she screamed in frustration ... "Sonofabitch!! THIS ONE'S BAREFOOT, TOO!"

 

[colsy]

My Final Will

I was sitting at the computer the other day & called out to my wife,









"WHEN I DIE I'M GOING TO LEAVE EVERYTHING TO YOU MY LOVE!"




SHE SHOUTED BACK "YOU ALREADY DO, YOU LAZY *******!!”

 

[colsy]

Kylie ,Robbie, and Elton

Kylie Minogue, Robbie Williams and Elton John were walking over a bridge.

Kylie trips, and gets her head jammed between the railings. Without a sideways glance, Robbie pulls aside her G-String, and bonks her senseless!

He stands back and tells Elton, "Your turn!"

Elton bursts into tears.

"What's up?" asks Robbie.

Elton sobs, "My head won't fit through the railings!"

 

[colsy]

This one for the female members

Last night, my Red Hat friends and I went to a Ladies Night Club. One of the
girls wanted to impress the rest of us, so she pulled out a £10 note.
When the male dancer came over to us, my friend licked the £10 note and
stuck it to his bum cheek!

Not to be outdone, another friend pulls out a £20 note.
She called the guy back , licks the £20 note, and sticks it to his other bum
cheek.

In another attempt to impress the rest of us,
my third friend pulls out a £50 note and calls the guy over, and licks the
£50 note.
I'm worried about the way things are going, but fortunately,
she just stuck it to one of his bum cheeks again.
My relief was short-lived.

Seeing the way things are going, the guy races over to me. Now everyone's
attention is focused on me, and the guy is egging me on to try to top the
£50. My brain was churning as I reached for my wallet.
What could I do?


The woman in me took over!
I got out my ATM card, swiped it down the crack of his bum, grabbed the
eighty quid, and left !!!!



































w

 

[colsy]

Firefighter

A firefighter was working on the engine outside the Station, when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides anda garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.
The girl was wearing a firefighter 's helmet.
The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat.
The firefighter walked over to take a closer look.
'That sure is a nice fire truck, ' the firefighter said with admiration.
'Thanks, ' the girl replied. The firefighter looked a little closer. The girl had tied the wagon to her dog 's collar and to the cat 's testicles.
'Little partner, ' the firefighter said, 'I don 't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat 's collar, I think you could go faster. '
The little girl replied thoughtfully, 'You 're probably right, but then I wouldn 't have a siren. '

 

[colsy]

Catholic coffee morning in rome

Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee in St. Peter's Square.
The first Catholic man tells his friends,
"My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."
The second Catholic man chirps,
"My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'."
The third Catholic gent says,
"My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone bows their head and says 'Your Eminence'."
The fourth Catholic man says very proudly,
"My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'."
Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, "Well....?"

She proudly replies, "I have a daughter,

SLIM

TALL

38D BREASTS

24"WAIST and

36"HIPS.


<mime-attachment1.jpg>



When she walks into a room, people say,
"Jesus Christ!".

 

[colsy]

Attorney

A very successful attorney parked his brand new Lexus in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he was getting out, a truck came along too closely and completely tore off the driver's door.

Fortunately, a cop in a police car was close enough to see the accident and pulled up behind the Lexus with his lights flashing.

Before the cop had a chance to ask any questions, the attorney started screaming hysterically about how his Lexus, which he had just purchased the day before, was completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter how any car body shop tried to make it new again.

After the lawyer finally wound down from his rant, the cop shook his head in disbelief. "I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you neglect the most important things in life."

"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.

The cop replied, "Don't you even realize that your left arm is missing? It was severed when the truck hit you!"

"OH, MY GOD!!!" screamed the lawyer.

;
(keep reading)




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"My Rolex!"

 

[colsy]

Who is Jack Schitt ?

For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt?


We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt!'


Well, thanks to genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way.


Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt.


Awe Schitt was married to O. Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, and owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack.


In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.


Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout.


After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock.


Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition who was nick-named Chicken Schitt.


Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony.


The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials.


The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Horse.


Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world.


He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.


Now when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt,' you can correct them.


Sincerely,


Crock O. Schitt