I walked into a sporting goods
store the other day and asked the clerk if they had any camouflage clothing/ equipment for the upcoming hunting season. He replied that they had just received an incredible batch of camouflage equipment just the other day.
"Great", I said. "Where is it"?
The clerk replied, "We can't find it".
========================
An elderly man and woman, both in their 70's, walk into a sex therapist's office.
The doctor asks, 'What can I do for you?'
The man says, 'Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?'
The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice, that he agrees.
When the couple finish the doctor says,
'There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse.'
He thanks them for coming, wishes them good luck, charges them £50, and says good bye.
A week later the couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch again.
The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees.
This happens several weeks in a row. The couple make an appointment, have intercourse with no problems, pays the doctor, then leave.
Finally, after 3 months of this routine, the doctor says,
'I'm sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?'
The man says, 'We're not trying to find out anything.
She's married and we can't go to her house.
I'm married and we can't go to my house.
The Holiday Inn charges £98. The Hilton charges £139.
We do it here for £50, and I get £43 back from BUPA.'
=====================
On the first day of Spring Training, a baseball scout brings a
race horse with him to add to the starting lineup.
The coach asks, "What the heck did you bring that horse here for?"
The scout replies, "Wait until you see him bat."
All the players are laughing, until the horse comes to bat. At
this point, the horse grabs the bat, and everyone quiets down.
They stare at the horse.
The pitcher, just shrugs his shoulders, and throws the ball
toward home plate, when astonishingly, the horse rips a screaming line drive off the wall in straight away center.
The horse just stands there and does not move. The manager then yells at the baseball scout to tell the horse to run to first base.
The scout looks back at the manager and yells back, "If he could
run, he'd be at Belmont!"
===================
Just spotted a cat on someone's porch, miaowing to be let in. Without thinking, I walked up to the door, rang the bell, nodded to the cat and left. It was only I rounded the corner I realised what I'd done as I heard the owner shouting BLIMEY SARAH THE CAT JUST RANG THE DOORBELL!
==================]
Why Grandfathers are Different.
Have you ever wondered what the difference is between
Grandmothers and Grandfathers?
Well, here it is:
There was this loving grandfather who always made a special
effort to spend time with his son's family on weekends. Every
Saturday morning he would take his 5-year-old granddaughter out for a drive in the car for some quality time -- pancakes, ice cream,
candy -- just him and his granddaughter.
One particular Saturday, however, he had a terrible cold and
could not get out of bed. He knew his granddaughter always looked
forward to their drives and would be very disappointed.
Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she would
take their granddaughter for her weekly drive and breakfast. When
they returned ,the little girl eagerly ran upstairs to see her
grandfather who was still in bed.
"Well, did you enjoy your ride with grandma?" he asked.
"Not really, PaPa, it was boring. We didn't see a single
asshole, piece of ****, horse's ass, tree hugger, socialist
left wing *****, blind *******, dipshit, or son
of a bitch anywhere we went!
We just drove around and Grandma smiled at everyone she saw. I
really didn't have any fun."
====================
20 years ago an elephant was taking a drink from a river when a turtle swam over and bit him on the trunk. The elephant was furious, but the turtle just swam away laughing.
Now in the present, this same elephant is walking down a dirt road with another elephant, when he sees that same turtle crossing the road.
The elephant trumpeted attack, ran forward, brought his massive foot down and crushed the turtle.
His friend said "What did you do that for"?
He replied "20 years ago that very same turtle bit me on my trunk, and swam away laughing".
"Wow" his friend said. "You have an amazing memory:.
"Yep" he answered. "Turtle recall".
====================
For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman. One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant.
Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he said he would pay her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. Furthermore, if she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.
She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discreet, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write 'Spaghetti' on the back. He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin.
One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.
'Honey, she said, 'you received a very strange post card today.’
'Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later,' he said. The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.
On the card was written:
Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.
Three with meatballs, two without.
Send extra sauce
