A few more laughs ....
- Thread starter colsy
- Start date
Easter funnies.....
A gift for the wife
Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol and Pawn shop that sparked my interest.
The occasion was my 15th wedding aniversary and I was looking for something a little bit special for my wife. volt pocket-purse size Tazer.
What I came across was a 100,000.
The effects of the Tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long term adverse effect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety...??
WAY TOO COOL ! Long story shortened, I bought the device and brought it home..I loaded the device the thing with two AAA batteries and pushed the button..Nothing..I was disappointed...I learnt however thatif I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time Id get the blue arc of electricity back and forth between the prongs..
AWESOME !!!
Unfortunately I have yet to explain what the burn spot is on my wifes microwave..Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldnt be all that bad with two AAA batteries, right?..There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the instructions and thinking that I should try this thing out on a flesh and blood moving target..I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie for a fraction of a second and then thought better of it, she is such a swwet cat.. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife for her protection..I did want somwe assurance that it would work as advertised..Am I wrong?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on my nose, directions in one hand, and the Tazer in the other..
The directions said that a one second burst would shock and disorient your assailant, a two seciond burst would cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control and a trhee second burst would purporty make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water..Any longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.. All the while Im looking at this litlte device measuring about 5 inches long less than 3/4 of an inch in circumference and ;loaded with two itsy bitsy AAA batteries..Pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, No possible way!!..
What happened next is almost beyon description, but I'll do my best..Im sitting there alone, my cat looking on with her head cocked to one side as if to say*Dont do it stupid*Reasoning to myself that a one second burst from such a tiny lil thing couldnt hurt all that much..I decided to give myself a one second burst just for the hell of it..I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button and...
HOLY MOTHER OF GOD. WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION WTF...!!
Im pretty sure Hulk Hogan driving a tank, ran in through the side door picked me and my recliner up and body slammed us both to the carpet over and over and over again..
I vaguely recall waking up in the foetal possition, with tears in my eyes, body soajking wet , both pectorls on fire, amily jewels no where to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs
The cat was clinging to a picture frame above the fireplace obviously in an attempt to avoid getting body slammed by my body flopping all over the floor and making meowing sounds..
Apparantly I had made a mess in my shorts, but was too numb to be sure, and my sense of smell is gone, I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head , which I believe came from my hair..
Note to self...
IF you ever feel compelled to Zap yourself with a Tazer..
There is NO such thing as a one second second burst when you zap yourself.!!
You will not let go of the thing until its dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing around on the floor.!!.
A three second burst would be considered conservative.!.
A minute or so later and I cant be sure as time was a relative thing at that point I collected what little I had left of my wits, sat up and surveyed the landscape..
My mangled glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace, my recliner was upside down and about eight foot away from its original spot..
My triceps, right thigh and both pecs are still twitching..
My face felt like it had been shot full of novocain..and my bottom lip weighed 88 pound..
I had no control over the drooling
Im still looking for my testicles and Im offering a significant reward for their safe return.!!!
PS: My wife cant stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift and now regularly threatens me with it.!!
If you think education is difficult, Try being stupid !!!
-----------------------------------------------
How come when my sister dances naked round a pole people give her money, but when I do it I get thrown off the bus
-----------------------------------------------
Two women are chatting in an office.
Woman 1: "I had sex last night, did you?"
Woman 2: "Yes."
Woman 1: "Was it good?"
Woman 2: "No, it was a disaster... my husband came home, ate his dinner in three minutes, got it on, finished having sex in five minutes,
rolled over and fell asleep in two minutes. How was yours?"
Woman 1: "Oh it was amazing! My husband came home and took me out to a romantic dinner. After dinner we walked for an hour.
When we came home he lit the candles around the house and we had an hour of foreplay.
We then had an hour long session of fantastic sex and afterwards talked for an hour. It was like a fairy tale!"
At the same time, their husbands are talking at work.
Husband 1: "You wanted sex last night, how was it?"
Husband 2: "Great. I came home, dinner was on the table, I ate, had sex with my wife and fell asleep. It was great! What about you?"
Husband 1: "It was horrible. I came home,there's no dinner because they cut the electricity because I hadn't paid the bill;
so I had to take my wife out to dinner which was so expensive that I didn't have money left for a cab.
We had to walk home which took an hour - and when we got home I remembered there was no electricity so I had to light candles all over the house!
I was so angry that I couldn't get it 'on' for an hour and then I couldn't 'finish' for another hour.
After I finally did, I was so aggravated that I couldn't fall asleep and my wife was jabbering away for another hour!"
---------------------------------------------
An old lady dies and goes to heaven. She's chatting it up with
St.Peter at the Pearly Gates when all of a sudden she hears the most awful
bloodcurdling screams.
"Don't worry about that," says St. Peter, "it's only someone having the
holes put into her shoulder blades for wings." The old lady looks a
little uncomfortable but carries on with the conversation
Ten minutes later, there are more blood curdling screams "Oh my God,"
says the old lady, "now what is happening?"
"Not to worry," says St. Peter, "She's just having her head drilled
to fit the halo."
"I can't do this," says the old lady, "I'm going to hell."
"You can't go there," says St. Peter. "You'll be raped and sodomized."
"Maybe so," says the old lady, "but I've already got the holes for that......
---------------------------------------------
Three old ladies were sitting side by side in their retirement home, reminiscing.
The first lady recalled shopping at the green grocers and demonstrated with her hands,
the length and thickness of a cucumber she could buy for a penny.
The second old lady nodded, adding that onions used to be much bigger and cheaper also,
and demonstrated the size of two big onions she could buy for a penny a piece.
The third old lady remarked "I can't hear a word you're saying, but I remember the guy you're talking about".
.......................
Three old guys are sitting around complaining. The first guy says "My hands shake so bad that when I shaved this morning I almost cut my ear off".
The second guy says "My hands shake so bad that when I ate breakfast today, I spilled half my coffee on my toast".
The third guy says "My hands shake so bad that the last time I went to pee I came taking my **** out".
.......................
Nina and Liz are having a conversation during their lunch break. Nina asks "So, Liz, how's your sex life these days?"
Liz replies "Oh, you know. It's the usual, Social Security kind". "Social Security?" Nina asked quizzically.
"Yeah, you get a little each month, but it's not enough to live on".
.......................
A handsome young lad went into the hospital for some minor surgery and the day after the procedure,
a friend stopped by to see how the guy was doing. The friend was amazed at the number of nurses who entered the room
in short intervals with refreshments, offers to fluff his pillows, make the bed, give back rubs, etc.
"Why all the attention?" the friend asked. "You look fine to me". "I know!" grinned the patient.
"But the nurses kinda formed a little fan club when they all heard that my circumcision required twenty-seven stitches".
A gift for the wife
Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol and Pawn shop that sparked my interest.
The occasion was my 15th wedding aniversary and I was looking for something a little bit special for my wife. volt pocket-purse size Tazer.
What I came across was a 100,000.
The effects of the Tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long term adverse effect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety...??
WAY TOO COOL ! Long story shortened, I bought the device and brought it home..I loaded the device the thing with two AAA batteries and pushed the button..Nothing..I was disappointed...I learnt however thatif I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time Id get the blue arc of electricity back and forth between the prongs..
AWESOME !!!
Unfortunately I have yet to explain what the burn spot is on my wifes microwave..Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldnt be all that bad with two AAA batteries, right?..There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the instructions and thinking that I should try this thing out on a flesh and blood moving target..I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie for a fraction of a second and then thought better of it, she is such a swwet cat.. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife for her protection..I did want somwe assurance that it would work as advertised..Am I wrong?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on my nose, directions in one hand, and the Tazer in the other..
The directions said that a one second burst would shock and disorient your assailant, a two seciond burst would cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control and a trhee second burst would purporty make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water..Any longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.. All the while Im looking at this litlte device measuring about 5 inches long less than 3/4 of an inch in circumference and ;loaded with two itsy bitsy AAA batteries..Pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, No possible way!!..
What happened next is almost beyon description, but I'll do my best..Im sitting there alone, my cat looking on with her head cocked to one side as if to say*Dont do it stupid*Reasoning to myself that a one second burst from such a tiny lil thing couldnt hurt all that much..I decided to give myself a one second burst just for the hell of it..I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button and...
HOLY MOTHER OF GOD. WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION WTF...!!
Im pretty sure Hulk Hogan driving a tank, ran in through the side door picked me and my recliner up and body slammed us both to the carpet over and over and over again..
I vaguely recall waking up in the foetal possition, with tears in my eyes, body soajking wet , both pectorls on fire, amily jewels no where to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs
The cat was clinging to a picture frame above the fireplace obviously in an attempt to avoid getting body slammed by my body flopping all over the floor and making meowing sounds..
Apparantly I had made a mess in my shorts, but was too numb to be sure, and my sense of smell is gone, I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head , which I believe came from my hair..
Note to self...
IF you ever feel compelled to Zap yourself with a Tazer..
There is NO such thing as a one second second burst when you zap yourself.!!
You will not let go of the thing until its dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing around on the floor.!!.
A three second burst would be considered conservative.!.
A minute or so later and I cant be sure as time was a relative thing at that point I collected what little I had left of my wits, sat up and surveyed the landscape..
My mangled glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace, my recliner was upside down and about eight foot away from its original spot..
My triceps, right thigh and both pecs are still twitching..
My face felt like it had been shot full of novocain..and my bottom lip weighed 88 pound..
I had no control over the drooling
Im still looking for my testicles and Im offering a significant reward for their safe return.!!!
PS: My wife cant stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift and now regularly threatens me with it.!!
If you think education is difficult, Try being stupid !!!
-----------------------------------------------
How come when my sister dances naked round a pole people give her money, but when I do it I get thrown off the bus
-----------------------------------------------
Two women are chatting in an office.
Woman 1: "I had sex last night, did you?"
Woman 2: "Yes."
Woman 1: "Was it good?"
Woman 2: "No, it was a disaster... my husband came home, ate his dinner in three minutes, got it on, finished having sex in five minutes,
rolled over and fell asleep in two minutes. How was yours?"
Woman 1: "Oh it was amazing! My husband came home and took me out to a romantic dinner. After dinner we walked for an hour.
When we came home he lit the candles around the house and we had an hour of foreplay.
We then had an hour long session of fantastic sex and afterwards talked for an hour. It was like a fairy tale!"
At the same time, their husbands are talking at work.
Husband 1: "You wanted sex last night, how was it?"
Husband 2: "Great. I came home, dinner was on the table, I ate, had sex with my wife and fell asleep. It was great! What about you?"
Husband 1: "It was horrible. I came home,there's no dinner because they cut the electricity because I hadn't paid the bill;
so I had to take my wife out to dinner which was so expensive that I didn't have money left for a cab.
We had to walk home which took an hour - and when we got home I remembered there was no electricity so I had to light candles all over the house!
I was so angry that I couldn't get it 'on' for an hour and then I couldn't 'finish' for another hour.
After I finally did, I was so aggravated that I couldn't fall asleep and my wife was jabbering away for another hour!"
---------------------------------------------
An old lady dies and goes to heaven. She's chatting it up with
St.Peter at the Pearly Gates when all of a sudden she hears the most awful
bloodcurdling screams.
"Don't worry about that," says St. Peter, "it's only someone having the
holes put into her shoulder blades for wings." The old lady looks a
little uncomfortable but carries on with the conversation
Ten minutes later, there are more blood curdling screams "Oh my God,"
says the old lady, "now what is happening?"
"Not to worry," says St. Peter, "She's just having her head drilled
to fit the halo."
"I can't do this," says the old lady, "I'm going to hell."
"You can't go there," says St. Peter. "You'll be raped and sodomized."
"Maybe so," says the old lady, "but I've already got the holes for that......
---------------------------------------------
Three old ladies were sitting side by side in their retirement home, reminiscing.
The first lady recalled shopping at the green grocers and demonstrated with her hands,
the length and thickness of a cucumber she could buy for a penny.
The second old lady nodded, adding that onions used to be much bigger and cheaper also,
and demonstrated the size of two big onions she could buy for a penny a piece.
The third old lady remarked "I can't hear a word you're saying, but I remember the guy you're talking about".
.......................
Three old guys are sitting around complaining. The first guy says "My hands shake so bad that when I shaved this morning I almost cut my ear off".
The second guy says "My hands shake so bad that when I ate breakfast today, I spilled half my coffee on my toast".
The third guy says "My hands shake so bad that the last time I went to pee I came taking my **** out".
.......................
Nina and Liz are having a conversation during their lunch break. Nina asks "So, Liz, how's your sex life these days?"
Liz replies "Oh, you know. It's the usual, Social Security kind". "Social Security?" Nina asked quizzically.
"Yeah, you get a little each month, but it's not enough to live on".
.......................
A handsome young lad went into the hospital for some minor surgery and the day after the procedure,
a friend stopped by to see how the guy was doing. The friend was amazed at the number of nurses who entered the room
in short intervals with refreshments, offers to fluff his pillows, make the bed, give back rubs, etc.
"Why all the attention?" the friend asked. "You look fine to me". "I know!" grinned the patient.
"But the nurses kinda formed a little fan club when they all heard that my circumcision required twenty-seven stitches".
Doctor asks a guy "So what's your problem?" He says "It's a bit embarrassing but I was having a wank... and my knob fell off".
Doc says "Don't worry - with micro surgery it will be as good as new in a week". Then the doc asks "Did you bring it with you?"
The guy pulls it out of his pocket. Doc says "That's a marshmallow!" Guy says "Can't be! I ate the last one on the way here!"
...........................
While riding my motorbike, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer, lost control and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head.
Dazed and confused I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new convertible pulled up a very beautiful woman at the wheel.
She asked "Are you okay?" As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low cut blouse with cleavage to die for...
"I'm okay I think" I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look. She said "Get in and I'll take you home so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head".
"That's nice of you" I answered, but I don't think my wife will like me doing that!" "Oh, come now, I'm a nurse" she insisted.
"I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly".
Well, she was really pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated "I'm sure my wife won't like this".
We arrived at her place which was just few miles away and, after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging,
I thanked her and said "I feel a lot better, but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I'd better go now".
"Don't be silly!" she said with a smile, while unbuttoning her blouse exposing the most beautiful set of boobs I've ever seen.
"Stay for a while. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?".
"Still in the ditch with my bike I guess".
..............................
A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch, and not paying attention.
She went back to find out what was going on. He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy.
The teacher told him to go down to the principal's office. He was to telephone his mother and ask her what he should do about it.
He did it and returned to his class.
Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room. She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk
with his penis hanging out
"I thought I told you to call your mum!" she said. "I did" he said "And she told me that if I could stick it out till noon,
she'd come and pick me up from school".
----------------------------------------
I ****ed a dwarf tonight.
It was my first time, but I won't be making a hobbit of it.
.....................
The wife said she had a terrible fall in the street after slipping on dog ****, and it was a full 5 minutes before anybody helped her up.
I wanted to tell her about my day too, but then I'd have to reveal I nearly crashed the car,
laughing so much at some woman slipping on dog **** in the street.
......................
His wife packed his bags after finding out that he had a one night stand with another woman.
"I want you to go!" she screamed.
He said, "Please can we just talk about it first?"
"Go on, I'm listening." she replied.
He sat down and said, "It was the most amazing experience of my entire life."
........................
"I can't believe that you've been visiting prostitutes for sex," his wife screamed at him. "I'm really disappointed!"
"You can hardly blame me," he answered. "It's not like I was getting any from you."
"Well that's your fault," she replied. "You never told me you were willing to pay for it."
..........................
I hate when Doctors asks questions such as: "Are you sexually active?" Depends on what you mean by "active".
There are plenty of "active" volcanoes that haven't gone off in over 50 years....
...........................
There once was a fellow named Dave
Who dug up a ***** from her grave
She was mouldy as ****
And missing a tit
But think of the money he saved.
........................
Looking forward to the premature ejaculation meeting tomorrow night.
Can't come quick enough.
..........................
A mother-in-law stopped by unexpectedly the recently married couple's house. She knocks on the door, then immediately walks in.
She is shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked.
"What are you doing?" she asked.
"I'm waiting for Jeff to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered.
"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.
"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.
"Love dress? But you're naked!"
"Jeff loves me to wear this dress! It makes him happy and it makes me happy."
The mother-in-law on the way home thought about the love dress.
When she got home she got undressed, showered, put on her best perfume and expectantly waited
for her husband, lying provocatively on the couch.
Finally her husband came home. He walked in and saw her naked on the couch.
"What are you doing?" he asked.
"This is my love dress," she replied.
"Needs ironing," he says" "What's for dinner?"
-------------------------------------------------
My girlfriend said, "Pssst?" I said, "what?"
She said, "Pssssssst?" I said, "what?"
She said, "Psssssssssst?"
Then I realised she was punctured!!..
..............
A new vibrator has gone on sale.It's so realistic that just before the women reaches orgasm it cums,coughs,farts, goes limp then switches itself off!..
Doc says "Don't worry - with micro surgery it will be as good as new in a week". Then the doc asks "Did you bring it with you?"
The guy pulls it out of his pocket. Doc says "That's a marshmallow!" Guy says "Can't be! I ate the last one on the way here!"
...........................
While riding my motorbike, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer, lost control and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head.
Dazed and confused I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new convertible pulled up a very beautiful woman at the wheel.
She asked "Are you okay?" As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low cut blouse with cleavage to die for...
"I'm okay I think" I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look. She said "Get in and I'll take you home so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head".
"That's nice of you" I answered, but I don't think my wife will like me doing that!" "Oh, come now, I'm a nurse" she insisted.
"I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly".
Well, she was really pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated "I'm sure my wife won't like this".
We arrived at her place which was just few miles away and, after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging,
I thanked her and said "I feel a lot better, but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I'd better go now".
"Don't be silly!" she said with a smile, while unbuttoning her blouse exposing the most beautiful set of boobs I've ever seen.
"Stay for a while. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?".
"Still in the ditch with my bike I guess".
..............................
A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch, and not paying attention.
She went back to find out what was going on. He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy.
The teacher told him to go down to the principal's office. He was to telephone his mother and ask her what he should do about it.
He did it and returned to his class.
Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room. She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk
with his penis hanging out
"I thought I told you to call your mum!" she said. "I did" he said "And she told me that if I could stick it out till noon,
she'd come and pick me up from school".
----------------------------------------
I ****ed a dwarf tonight.
It was my first time, but I won't be making a hobbit of it.
.....................
The wife said she had a terrible fall in the street after slipping on dog ****, and it was a full 5 minutes before anybody helped her up.
I wanted to tell her about my day too, but then I'd have to reveal I nearly crashed the car,
laughing so much at some woman slipping on dog **** in the street.
......................
His wife packed his bags after finding out that he had a one night stand with another woman.
"I want you to go!" she screamed.
He said, "Please can we just talk about it first?"
"Go on, I'm listening." she replied.
He sat down and said, "It was the most amazing experience of my entire life."
........................
"I can't believe that you've been visiting prostitutes for sex," his wife screamed at him. "I'm really disappointed!"
"You can hardly blame me," he answered. "It's not like I was getting any from you."
"Well that's your fault," she replied. "You never told me you were willing to pay for it."
..........................
I hate when Doctors asks questions such as: "Are you sexually active?" Depends on what you mean by "active".
There are plenty of "active" volcanoes that haven't gone off in over 50 years....
...........................
There once was a fellow named Dave
Who dug up a ***** from her grave
She was mouldy as ****
And missing a tit
But think of the money he saved.
........................
Looking forward to the premature ejaculation meeting tomorrow night.
Can't come quick enough.
..........................
A mother-in-law stopped by unexpectedly the recently married couple's house. She knocks on the door, then immediately walks in.
She is shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked.
"What are you doing?" she asked.
"I'm waiting for Jeff to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered.
"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.
"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.
"Love dress? But you're naked!"
"Jeff loves me to wear this dress! It makes him happy and it makes me happy."
The mother-in-law on the way home thought about the love dress.
When she got home she got undressed, showered, put on her best perfume and expectantly waited
for her husband, lying provocatively on the couch.
Finally her husband came home. He walked in and saw her naked on the couch.
"What are you doing?" he asked.
"This is my love dress," she replied.
"Needs ironing," he says" "What's for dinner?"
-------------------------------------------------
My girlfriend said, "Pssst?" I said, "what?"
She said, "Pssssssst?" I said, "what?"
She said, "Psssssssssst?"
Then I realised she was punctured!!..
..............
A new vibrator has gone on sale.It's so realistic that just before the women reaches orgasm it cums,coughs,farts, goes limp then switches itself off!..
An old man was sitting on a train across from a blonde wearing a tiny mini skirt. Despite his efforts, he was unable to stop staring at the top of her thighs. To his delight, he realized she was going commando (no underwear).
She saw him staring and inquired, "Are you looking at my vagina?"
Yes, I’m sorry," he replied.
"It quite all right," she replied, "It's very talented, watch this, I'll make it blow a kiss to you. With a little twitch of her hips, sure enough, the vagina blew him a kiss.
The old man was completely astounded and inquired what else it could do.
"I can also make it wink," she replied.
The old man stared in amazement as the vagina winked at him.
"Come and sit next to me," she said, patting the seat.
He moved over and she asked, Would you like to stick a couple of fingers in?"
Stunned, he asked, You're shittin' me, you mean it can whistle, too?
It's tough gettin' old!
----------------------------------------------
"God comes down to earth too visit a woman. Says.... if you want to come to heaven, have to stop drinking, stop smoking and stop all sex. Woman says..... fine, I'll do my best. Woman in question says, no drinking, no smoking, no sex, ok, I'll do my best. Few days later, God comes back says to the lady "How'd you get on?" Lady says, no smoking, no drinking.... great, all fine. But, had a bit of a problem with the sex stuff. So.... what was the problem... asked god?
Well, I was out with my hubby, had a short skirt and no panties on. I bent over, one thing went on to another, he ended up making love to me there and then on the spot. God said "We don't like that in heaven" The woman said ....."They didn't like it much in IKEA either!"
..................
A man walked into a bar and asked for a rum and coke
The barman handed him an apple - Whats this I wanted a rum and coke said the man
Trust me said the barman - take a bite
Wow that tastes like rum said the man .Now turn it round and take another bite said the barman.Wow coke - thats brilliant said the man
The same happened with the next man ordering gin and tonic
Both were amazed and thought it was the best thing ever
A third man came in and the first 2 men challenged him to order anything and the barman would have an apple that tasted just like it
***** he said,I want one one that tastes like *****
The barman handed him an apple and the third man took a bite
Immediately he spat it out disgusted and shouted sh!te it tastes like sh!te
Turn it round said the barman turn it round..
------------------------------------------------------
I KNOW THIS IS LONG, BUT PLEASE READ...IT IS WORTH IT!
This is a genuine complaint to Devon & Cornwall Police Force from an angry member of the public.
Dear Sir/Madam/Automated telephone answering service,
Having spent the past twenty minutes waiting for someone at Bodmin police station to pick up a telephone I have decided to abandon the idea and try e-mailing you instead.
Perhaps you would be so kind as to pass this message on to your colleagues in Bodmin, by means of smoke signal, carrier pigeon or Ouija board.
As I'm writing this e-mail there are eleven failed medical experiments (I think you call them youths) in St Mary's Crescent, which is just off St Mary's Road in Bodmin.
Six of them seem happy enough to play a game which involves kicking a football against an iron gate with the force of a meteorite. This causes an earth shattering CLANG! which rings throughout the entire building.
This game is now in its third week and as I am unsure how the scoring system works, I have no idea if it will end any time soon.
The remaining five walking-abortions are happily rummaging through several bags of rubbish and items of furniture that someone has so thoughtfully dumped beside the wheelie bins. One of them has found a saw and is setting about a discarded chair like a beaver on speed.
I fear that it's only a matter of time before they turn their limited attention to the bottle of Calor gas that is lying on its side between the two bins.
If they could be relied on to only blow their own arms and legs off then I would happily leave them to it. I would even go so far as to lend them the matches.
Unfortunately they are far more likely to blow up half the street with them and I've just finished decorating the kitchen.
What I suggest is this - after replying to this e-mail with worthless assurances that the matter is being looked into and will be dealt with, why not leave it until the one night of the year (probably bath night) when there are no mutants around then drive up the street in a Panda car before doing a three point turn and disappearing again. This will of course serve no other purpose than to remind us what policemen actually look like.
I trust that when I take a claw hammer to the skull of one of these throwbacks you'll do me the same courtesy of giving me a four month head start before coming to arrest me.
I remain sirs, your obedient servant
???????
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Mr ??????,
I have read your e-mail and understand your frustration at the problems caused by youths playing in the area and the problems you have encountered in trying to contact the police.
As the Community Beat Officer for your street I would like to extend an offer of discussing the matter fully with you.
Should you wish to discuss the matter, please provide contact details (address / telephone number) and when may be suitable.
Regards
PC ?
Community Beat Officer
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear PC ?
First of all I would like to thank you for the speedy response to my original e-mail.
16 hours and 38 minutes must be a personal record for Bodmin Police Station, and rest assured that I will forward these details to Norris McWhirter for inclusion in his next book.
Secondly I was delighted to hear that our street has its own Community Beat Officer.
May I be the first to congratulate you on your covert skills? In the five or so years I have lived in St Mary's Crescent, I have never seen you. Do you hide up a tree or have you gone deep undercover and infiltrated the gang itself? Are you the one with the acne and the moustache on his forehead or the one with a chin like a wash hand basin? It's surely only a matter of time before you are head-hunted by MI5.
Whilst I realise that there may be far more serious crimes taking place in Bodmin, such as smoking in a public place or being Christian without due care and attention, is it too much to ask for a policeman to explain (using words of no more than two syllables at a time) to these twats that they might want to play their strange football game elsewhere.
The pitch on Fairpark Road, or the one at Priory Park are both within spitting distance as is the bottom of the Par Dock, the latter being the preferred option especially if the tide is in.
Should you wish to discuss these matters further you should feel free to contact me on . If after 25 minutes I have still failed to answer, I'll buy you a large one in the Cat and Fiddle Pub.
Regards
?
P.S If you think that this is sarcasm, think yourself lucky that you don't work for the cleansing department, with whom I am also in contact!!
-----------------------------------------------
The American Government funded a study to see why the head of a man's penis was larger than the shaft.
After one year and $180,000, they concluded that the reason that the head was larger than the shaft was to give the man more pleasure during sex.
After the US published the study, the French decided to do their own study.
After $250,000 and three years of research, they concluded that the reason the head was larger than the shaft
was to give the woman more pleasure during sex. Canadians, unsatisfied with these findings, conducted their own study.
After two weeks and a cost of around $75.46, and two cases of beer,
they concluded that it was to keep a man's hand from flying off and hitting himself in the forehead.
..................
A divorced mum took her young daughter to the zoo. One of the elephants had a huge, huge erection.
"Mummy, what's that?" asked the shocked and confused daughter. "Nothing" replied the embarrassed and flustered mum.
The next month, dad took the daughter to the same zoo. The same elephant had the same huge, huge erection.
"Daddy!! I saw that with mum. What is that??" Dad, trying to be careful, asked "What did your mum say it was?"
Daughter replies "she said it was nothing". Dad stares at the erection and says "Just like your mother - never ****ing satisfied!"
.............
Man, I still remember my grandpa's last words... "Stop playing with that shotgun you little cvnt".
...............
As an ultimate test of his will power, a man decided to give up sex for Lent. Although not thrilled with the idea,
his wife agreed to support him in this effort. The first few weeks weren't too difficult.
Things got tougher during the next couple of weeks, so the wife wore her dowdiest nightclothes and chewed on garlic before going to bed.
The last couple of weeks were extremely tough on the husband, so the wife took to locking the bedroom door
and forcing the husband to sleep on the couch.
Easter morning finally came. A knock came on the wife's bedroom door.
"KNOCK!!! KNOCK!!! KNOCK!!!"
Husband: "Guess who?"
Wife: "I know who it is!"
Husband: "Guess what I want?"
Wife: "I know what you want!"
Husband: "Guess what I'm knockin' with?"
She saw him staring and inquired, "Are you looking at my vagina?"
Yes, I’m sorry," he replied.
"It quite all right," she replied, "It's very talented, watch this, I'll make it blow a kiss to you. With a little twitch of her hips, sure enough, the vagina blew him a kiss.
The old man was completely astounded and inquired what else it could do.
"I can also make it wink," she replied.
The old man stared in amazement as the vagina winked at him.
"Come and sit next to me," she said, patting the seat.
He moved over and she asked, Would you like to stick a couple of fingers in?"
Stunned, he asked, You're shittin' me, you mean it can whistle, too?
It's tough gettin' old!
----------------------------------------------
"God comes down to earth too visit a woman. Says.... if you want to come to heaven, have to stop drinking, stop smoking and stop all sex. Woman says..... fine, I'll do my best. Woman in question says, no drinking, no smoking, no sex, ok, I'll do my best. Few days later, God comes back says to the lady "How'd you get on?" Lady says, no smoking, no drinking.... great, all fine. But, had a bit of a problem with the sex stuff. So.... what was the problem... asked god?
Well, I was out with my hubby, had a short skirt and no panties on. I bent over, one thing went on to another, he ended up making love to me there and then on the spot. God said "We don't like that in heaven" The woman said ....."They didn't like it much in IKEA either!"
..................
A man walked into a bar and asked for a rum and coke
The barman handed him an apple - Whats this I wanted a rum and coke said the man
Trust me said the barman - take a bite
Wow that tastes like rum said the man .Now turn it round and take another bite said the barman.Wow coke - thats brilliant said the man
The same happened with the next man ordering gin and tonic
Both were amazed and thought it was the best thing ever
A third man came in and the first 2 men challenged him to order anything and the barman would have an apple that tasted just like it
***** he said,I want one one that tastes like *****
The barman handed him an apple and the third man took a bite
Immediately he spat it out disgusted and shouted sh!te it tastes like sh!te
Turn it round said the barman turn it round..
------------------------------------------------------
I KNOW THIS IS LONG, BUT PLEASE READ...IT IS WORTH IT!
This is a genuine complaint to Devon & Cornwall Police Force from an angry member of the public.
Dear Sir/Madam/Automated telephone answering service,
Having spent the past twenty minutes waiting for someone at Bodmin police station to pick up a telephone I have decided to abandon the idea and try e-mailing you instead.
Perhaps you would be so kind as to pass this message on to your colleagues in Bodmin, by means of smoke signal, carrier pigeon or Ouija board.
As I'm writing this e-mail there are eleven failed medical experiments (I think you call them youths) in St Mary's Crescent, which is just off St Mary's Road in Bodmin.
Six of them seem happy enough to play a game which involves kicking a football against an iron gate with the force of a meteorite. This causes an earth shattering CLANG! which rings throughout the entire building.
This game is now in its third week and as I am unsure how the scoring system works, I have no idea if it will end any time soon.
The remaining five walking-abortions are happily rummaging through several bags of rubbish and items of furniture that someone has so thoughtfully dumped beside the wheelie bins. One of them has found a saw and is setting about a discarded chair like a beaver on speed.
I fear that it's only a matter of time before they turn their limited attention to the bottle of Calor gas that is lying on its side between the two bins.
If they could be relied on to only blow their own arms and legs off then I would happily leave them to it. I would even go so far as to lend them the matches.
Unfortunately they are far more likely to blow up half the street with them and I've just finished decorating the kitchen.
What I suggest is this - after replying to this e-mail with worthless assurances that the matter is being looked into and will be dealt with, why not leave it until the one night of the year (probably bath night) when there are no mutants around then drive up the street in a Panda car before doing a three point turn and disappearing again. This will of course serve no other purpose than to remind us what policemen actually look like.
I trust that when I take a claw hammer to the skull of one of these throwbacks you'll do me the same courtesy of giving me a four month head start before coming to arrest me.
I remain sirs, your obedient servant
???????
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Mr ??????,
I have read your e-mail and understand your frustration at the problems caused by youths playing in the area and the problems you have encountered in trying to contact the police.
As the Community Beat Officer for your street I would like to extend an offer of discussing the matter fully with you.
Should you wish to discuss the matter, please provide contact details (address / telephone number) and when may be suitable.
Regards
PC ?
Community Beat Officer
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear PC ?
First of all I would like to thank you for the speedy response to my original e-mail.
16 hours and 38 minutes must be a personal record for Bodmin Police Station, and rest assured that I will forward these details to Norris McWhirter for inclusion in his next book.
Secondly I was delighted to hear that our street has its own Community Beat Officer.
May I be the first to congratulate you on your covert skills? In the five or so years I have lived in St Mary's Crescent, I have never seen you. Do you hide up a tree or have you gone deep undercover and infiltrated the gang itself? Are you the one with the acne and the moustache on his forehead or the one with a chin like a wash hand basin? It's surely only a matter of time before you are head-hunted by MI5.
Whilst I realise that there may be far more serious crimes taking place in Bodmin, such as smoking in a public place or being Christian without due care and attention, is it too much to ask for a policeman to explain (using words of no more than two syllables at a time) to these twats that they might want to play their strange football game elsewhere.
The pitch on Fairpark Road, or the one at Priory Park are both within spitting distance as is the bottom of the Par Dock, the latter being the preferred option especially if the tide is in.
Should you wish to discuss these matters further you should feel free to contact me on . If after 25 minutes I have still failed to answer, I'll buy you a large one in the Cat and Fiddle Pub.
Regards
?
P.S If you think that this is sarcasm, think yourself lucky that you don't work for the cleansing department, with whom I am also in contact!!
-----------------------------------------------
The American Government funded a study to see why the head of a man's penis was larger than the shaft.
After one year and $180,000, they concluded that the reason that the head was larger than the shaft was to give the man more pleasure during sex.
After the US published the study, the French decided to do their own study.
After $250,000 and three years of research, they concluded that the reason the head was larger than the shaft
was to give the woman more pleasure during sex. Canadians, unsatisfied with these findings, conducted their own study.
After two weeks and a cost of around $75.46, and two cases of beer,
they concluded that it was to keep a man's hand from flying off and hitting himself in the forehead.
..................
A divorced mum took her young daughter to the zoo. One of the elephants had a huge, huge erection.
"Mummy, what's that?" asked the shocked and confused daughter. "Nothing" replied the embarrassed and flustered mum.
The next month, dad took the daughter to the same zoo. The same elephant had the same huge, huge erection.
"Daddy!! I saw that with mum. What is that??" Dad, trying to be careful, asked "What did your mum say it was?"
Daughter replies "she said it was nothing". Dad stares at the erection and says "Just like your mother - never ****ing satisfied!"
.............
Man, I still remember my grandpa's last words... "Stop playing with that shotgun you little cvnt".
...............
As an ultimate test of his will power, a man decided to give up sex for Lent. Although not thrilled with the idea,
his wife agreed to support him in this effort. The first few weeks weren't too difficult.
Things got tougher during the next couple of weeks, so the wife wore her dowdiest nightclothes and chewed on garlic before going to bed.
The last couple of weeks were extremely tough on the husband, so the wife took to locking the bedroom door
and forcing the husband to sleep on the couch.
Easter morning finally came. A knock came on the wife's bedroom door.
"KNOCK!!! KNOCK!!! KNOCK!!!"
Husband: "Guess who?"
Wife: "I know who it is!"
Husband: "Guess what I want?"
Wife: "I know what you want!"
Husband: "Guess what I'm knockin' with?"
Sunday funnies
A Texan went to Chicago and thought he would buy a new "city" outfit.
He went into Marshall Fields and when asked by a sweet young woman if she could help him, he answered,
"Yes ma'am. Ya see, I'm from Texas and I want to buy a complete city outfit."
Her eyes lit up as she asked, "Where would you like to start?"
"Well, ma'am, how about a suit?" "Yes sir. What size?"
"Size 53 tall, ma'am." "Wow, that's really big."
"Yes ma'am, they really grow them big in Texas."
"What's next?" she asked. He replied,
"How about some shoes?"
"What size?"
"Size 15 double E."
"Wow, that's really big!"
"Yes ma'am. They really grow them big in Texas."
"What's next?"
"Well, I reckon I'll need a shirt."
"Yes sir. What size?"
"Nineteen and a half neck, sleeves 38," he replied.
"Wow, that's really big! "
"Yes ma'am. They really grow them big in Texas."
"Will there be anything else?" she asked.
"Yes ma'am. I 'spect I'll need a hat."
"Yes sir. What size? and style?"
"Eight and five-eighths. Stetson."
"Wow, that's really big!"
"Yes ma'am. They really grow them big in Texas."
She virtually glowed as she asked, "Is there anything else I can do for you?"
"No ma'am , I reckon that will be all."
As the sweet young thing tallied up his bill, and as the Texan counted out his money, she blushed and asked, "Sir, could I ask you a question?"
"Yes ma'am, I already know what it is. And the answer is four inches."
Astonished, she blurted out, "Why, my boyfriend is bigger than that!"
Without so much as a stutter, the Texan replied,..... From the floor ma'am.................From the floor
------------------------------------
What's the most sensitive part of your body when you're having a wank? Your ears.
...................
A Japanese couple is arguing about how to perform highly erotic sex.
Husband: "Sukitaki. Mojitaka!"
Wife replies: "Kowanini! Mowi janakpa!"
Husband says angrily: "Toka a anji rodi roumi yakoo!"
Wife on her knees literally begging: "Mimi nakoundinda tinkouji!"
Husband shouts angrily: "Na miaou kina Tim kouji!"
I can't believe you just sat there trying to read this.
You don't know Japanese.
You'll read anything as long as it's about sex.
Get help you sick****!
.......................
Three guys travel to Saudi Arabia and get lost. They walk into a tent that they think was the one they rented,
but actually belongs to a prince with 3 hot wives. The prince comes home and thinks his wives are cheating on him.
As a punishment, he tells them that their penises will have to be cut off in some way relating to their occupation.
He asks the first guy what his job was. "I'm an employee at the shooting range" he replies. "Then we'll shoot your **** off!" the prince says.
"I'm a fireman" the second guy says. "Then we'll burn your **** off!" says the prince.
The third guy smiles and says "I'm a lollipop salesman".
..........................
A lawyer arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution for a client who was due to be hanged for murder at midnight.
His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.
As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about "What time of night to be getting home is this?"
"Where have you been?" "Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it" and on and on and on.
Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he went and poured himself a whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub,
pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.
While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client,
James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.
Finally realising what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news.
As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.
"They're not hanging Wright tonight!" she said.
To which he whirled around and screamed "FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?"
=========
A Texan went to Chicago and thought he would buy a new "city" outfit.
He went into Marshall Fields and when asked by a sweet young woman if she could help him, he answered,
"Yes ma'am. Ya see, I'm from Texas and I want to buy a complete city outfit."
Her eyes lit up as she asked, "Where would you like to start?"
"Well, ma'am, how about a suit?" "Yes sir. What size?"
"Size 53 tall, ma'am." "Wow, that's really big."
"Yes ma'am, they really grow them big in Texas."
"What's next?" she asked. He replied,
"How about some shoes?"
"What size?"
"Size 15 double E."
"Wow, that's really big!"
"Yes ma'am. They really grow them big in Texas."
"What's next?"
"Well, I reckon I'll need a shirt."
"Yes sir. What size?"
"Nineteen and a half neck, sleeves 38," he replied.
"Wow, that's really big! "
"Yes ma'am. They really grow them big in Texas."
"Will there be anything else?" she asked.
"Yes ma'am. I 'spect I'll need a hat."
"Yes sir. What size? and style?"
"Eight and five-eighths. Stetson."
"Wow, that's really big!"
"Yes ma'am. They really grow them big in Texas."
She virtually glowed as she asked, "Is there anything else I can do for you?"
"No ma'am , I reckon that will be all."
As the sweet young thing tallied up his bill, and as the Texan counted out his money, she blushed and asked, "Sir, could I ask you a question?"
"Yes ma'am, I already know what it is. And the answer is four inches."
Astonished, she blurted out, "Why, my boyfriend is bigger than that!"
Without so much as a stutter, the Texan replied,..... From the floor ma'am.................From the floor
------------------------------------
What's the most sensitive part of your body when you're having a wank? Your ears.
...................
A Japanese couple is arguing about how to perform highly erotic sex.
Husband: "Sukitaki. Mojitaka!"
Wife replies: "Kowanini! Mowi janakpa!"
Husband says angrily: "Toka a anji rodi roumi yakoo!"
Wife on her knees literally begging: "Mimi nakoundinda tinkouji!"
Husband shouts angrily: "Na miaou kina Tim kouji!"
I can't believe you just sat there trying to read this.
You don't know Japanese.
You'll read anything as long as it's about sex.
Get help you sick****!
.......................
Three guys travel to Saudi Arabia and get lost. They walk into a tent that they think was the one they rented,
but actually belongs to a prince with 3 hot wives. The prince comes home and thinks his wives are cheating on him.
As a punishment, he tells them that their penises will have to be cut off in some way relating to their occupation.
He asks the first guy what his job was. "I'm an employee at the shooting range" he replies. "Then we'll shoot your **** off!" the prince says.
"I'm a fireman" the second guy says. "Then we'll burn your **** off!" says the prince.
The third guy smiles and says "I'm a lollipop salesman".
..........................
A lawyer arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution for a client who was due to be hanged for murder at midnight.
His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.
As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about "What time of night to be getting home is this?"
"Where have you been?" "Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it" and on and on and on.
Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he went and poured himself a whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub,
pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.
While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client,
James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.
Finally realising what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news.
As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.
"They're not hanging Wright tonight!" she said.
To which he whirled around and screamed "FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?"
=========
Three blondes are talking about their husbands over coffee.
“It’s funny,” says Samantha, “Peter’s balls are always cold as ice when I’m giving him a blowjob!”
“You know what?” replies Jenny, “It’s exactly the same with my Richard!”
They turn to the third blonde and ask: “When you go down on Chris, are his balls cold, also?”
“Ugh! That’s disgusting! I would never put his thing in my mouth!”
“You’re crazy,” one of the blondes pipes up. “A good blowjob is the best way to keep a guy from straying! You should try it!”
She says she’ll think about it.
The next morning, they meet at the cafe. The third blonde is looking quite down, red eyes from crying and s black eye.
“What’s wrong?” the other two women ask.
“Well, me and Chris are getting a divorce.”
“Oh no!” the first blonde asks. “What happened?”
“I don’t know,” she replies. “I did like you told me and went down on him. A few moments later,
all I did was tell him how strange it was that his balls were so warm, when Peter’s and Richard’s are always so cold!”
--------------------------------------
I'm worried about one of my testicles......
It's quite a bit bigger than the other two........!!!
...............
A man walks in to a library and asks for a book on Tourette's.....
The librarian says, "**** off, you c*nt"...
The man says, "Yep, that's the one"....
................
If sex is such a natural phenomenon, how come there are so many books on how to do it?
...............
When i was born, i was given the choice of having a 10 inch **** or a superb memory......
So i erm...i erm....ah **** it. I forgot what i was going to say.
..............
There once was an Indian who had only one testicle
And whose given name was 'Onestone'.
He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.
After years and years of torment,
Onestone finally cracked and said,'
If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!'
The word got around and nobody called him that any more.
Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said,
'Good morning, Onestone..'
He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night.
He made love to her all the next day,
Until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.
The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do.
Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until
A woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away.
Yellow Bird , who was BlueBird's cousin,
Was overjoyed when she saw Onestone.
She hugged him and said, 'Good to see you, Onestone.'
Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest,
Then he made love to her all day,
Made love to her all night,
Made love to her all the next day,
Made love to her all the next night, but YellowBird wouldn't die!
Why ???
Everyone knows..
You can't kill Two Birds With OneStone !!!
..............................
My wife works as a magician's assistant. I think she's picked up a few tricks.
I came home from work early and she was in the bedroom.
She said, "Abracadabra!" and my mate, Dave, came out of the wardrobe, stark naked.
Poor ******* must have wondered what the **** was going on..
-------------------------------
Dictionary For Womens Personal Ads
40ish ..................... 49
Adventurous ............... Slept with all your mates
Athletic .................. No Tits
Average looking ........... Has a face like an arse
Beautiful ................. Pathological liar
Contagious smile .......... Does a lot of pills
Educated .................. ****** to death at college
Emotionally secure ........ On medication
Feminist .................. Fat
Friendship first .......... Former slut/born again virgin
Fun ....................... Annoying
Gentle .................... Dull
New Age ................... Body hair problems
Old fashioned ............. No blow jobs or anal
Open minded ............... Desperate
Outgoing .................. Loud and embarrassing
Passionate ................ Sloppy drunk
Poet ...................... Depressive
Romantic .................. Frigid
Social .................... Fanny like a clowns pocket
Voluptuous ................ Very fat
Wants soul-mate............ Stalker
Widow ..................... M
........................
I received a letter from Screwfix
thanking me for my inquiry......
An informing me they are not a
Dating agency......
.......................
A hunter shoots himself in the genitals with his shotgun. A few hours later, lying in a hospital bed, he's approached by a doctor.
"The good news is you're gonna be ok. The bad news is there was some pretty extensive buckshot damage to your penis
so I'm gonna have to refer you to my sister. "Is she a plastic surgeon?" asks the hunter.
"No." says the doctor, "She's a flute player. She'll teach you where to put your fingers so you don't piss in your face!"
“It’s funny,” says Samantha, “Peter’s balls are always cold as ice when I’m giving him a blowjob!”
“You know what?” replies Jenny, “It’s exactly the same with my Richard!”
They turn to the third blonde and ask: “When you go down on Chris, are his balls cold, also?”
“Ugh! That’s disgusting! I would never put his thing in my mouth!”
“You’re crazy,” one of the blondes pipes up. “A good blowjob is the best way to keep a guy from straying! You should try it!”
She says she’ll think about it.
The next morning, they meet at the cafe. The third blonde is looking quite down, red eyes from crying and s black eye.
“What’s wrong?” the other two women ask.
“Well, me and Chris are getting a divorce.”
“Oh no!” the first blonde asks. “What happened?”
“I don’t know,” she replies. “I did like you told me and went down on him. A few moments later,
all I did was tell him how strange it was that his balls were so warm, when Peter’s and Richard’s are always so cold!”
--------------------------------------
I'm worried about one of my testicles......
It's quite a bit bigger than the other two........!!!
...............
A man walks in to a library and asks for a book on Tourette's.....
The librarian says, "**** off, you c*nt"...
The man says, "Yep, that's the one"....
................
If sex is such a natural phenomenon, how come there are so many books on how to do it?
...............
When i was born, i was given the choice of having a 10 inch **** or a superb memory......
So i erm...i erm....ah **** it. I forgot what i was going to say.
..............
There once was an Indian who had only one testicle
And whose given name was 'Onestone'.
He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.
After years and years of torment,
Onestone finally cracked and said,'
If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!'
The word got around and nobody called him that any more.
Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said,
'Good morning, Onestone..'
He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night.
He made love to her all the next day,
Until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.
The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do.
Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until
A woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away.
Yellow Bird , who was BlueBird's cousin,
Was overjoyed when she saw Onestone.
She hugged him and said, 'Good to see you, Onestone.'
Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest,
Then he made love to her all day,
Made love to her all night,
Made love to her all the next day,
Made love to her all the next night, but YellowBird wouldn't die!
Why ???
Everyone knows..
You can't kill Two Birds With OneStone !!!
..............................
My wife works as a magician's assistant. I think she's picked up a few tricks.
I came home from work early and she was in the bedroom.
She said, "Abracadabra!" and my mate, Dave, came out of the wardrobe, stark naked.
Poor ******* must have wondered what the **** was going on..
-------------------------------
Dictionary For Womens Personal Ads
40ish ..................... 49
Adventurous ............... Slept with all your mates
Athletic .................. No Tits
Average looking ........... Has a face like an arse
Beautiful ................. Pathological liar
Contagious smile .......... Does a lot of pills
Educated .................. ****** to death at college
Emotionally secure ........ On medication
Feminist .................. Fat
Friendship first .......... Former slut/born again virgin
Fun ....................... Annoying
Gentle .................... Dull
New Age ................... Body hair problems
Old fashioned ............. No blow jobs or anal
Open minded ............... Desperate
Outgoing .................. Loud and embarrassing
Passionate ................ Sloppy drunk
Poet ...................... Depressive
Romantic .................. Frigid
Social .................... Fanny like a clowns pocket
Voluptuous ................ Very fat
Wants soul-mate............ Stalker
Widow ..................... M
........................
I received a letter from Screwfix
thanking me for my inquiry......
An informing me they are not a
Dating agency......
.......................
A hunter shoots himself in the genitals with his shotgun. A few hours later, lying in a hospital bed, he's approached by a doctor.
"The good news is you're gonna be ok. The bad news is there was some pretty extensive buckshot damage to your penis
so I'm gonna have to refer you to my sister. "Is she a plastic surgeon?" asks the hunter.
"No." says the doctor, "She's a flute player. She'll teach you where to put your fingers so you don't piss in your face!"
Little Johnny's mother decided to give her son an anatomy lesson one
day, so she took off all of her clothes and pointed to her vagina, and said,
"Johnny. This is where you come from."
Johnny went to school the next day smiling and insisting all his friends
now refer to him as "Lucky Johnny."
"Why?" one asked.
Johnny held his fingers an inch apart and said, "Because I came this
close to being a turd."
............................
Mickey and Mini Mouse are in court.
The Judge says, "Mickey, you can't get a divorce because you claim Mini crashed her new spaceship".....
Mickey shouts, "I never said that, I said that she keeps ******* going down on Pluto".....!!!
................
Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and values.
Stu said, "I didn"t sleep with my wife before we got married, did you"...?
Leroy replied, "I"m not sure, What was her maiden name".....?
......................
A married couple are driving along when they see a wounded skunk on the side of the road.
They stop, the wife gets out, picks it up, and brings it into the car. She says, "Look, it"s shivering, it must be cold.
What should I do?" Her husband replies, "Put it between your legs to keep it warm."
She asks, "What about the smell?" He says, "Hold its nose."
......................
What did the dwarf get when he ran through a woman"s legs? A clit round the ear and a flap across the face!
......................
Two women were having lunch together, and discussing the merits of cosmetic surgery.
The first woman says, "I need to be honest with you, I"m getting a boob job."
The second woman says "Oh that"s nothing, I"m thinking of having my asshole bleached!"
To which the first replies, "Whoa I just can"t picture your husband as a blonde!"
...................
Did you hear about the short sighted Circumciser?He got the sack
.....................
I phoned up the clinic the other day to enquire about circumcision.....I got cut off.
----------------------------------------------
Paddy says to Mick, "I hear that girl who played ***** Galore in the Bond films has split her fanny open!"
Mick replies, "Honor Blackman?"Paddy says, "No on a dildo!"
..............
McVities have just bought out a new biscuit range, "Clitoris-Creams".They carry a guarantee.
"One lick and you"ll want to eat the box"
...............
One time you had to pull a womans knickers down to see her arse.Nowadays you have to open her arse to see her knickers.
..............
Two guys in a health club, one is putting on lace knickers."Since when do you wear womens pants?"
"Since my wife found them in the glove compartment!"
...............
A nun is in the bath when there"s a knock on the bathroom door."Who is it?" shouted the nun.
"The blind man" came the reply.The nun tells him to enter, as he wouldn"t be able to see her in all her glory, because he"s blind.
He walks in and quips "Nice pair of tits, where do you want the blinds?"
.................
Life is like oral sex, one slip of the tongue and your in the ****
...................
Two old age pensioners are having a 69. After 5 minutes he says, "Sorry luv the smell"s too bad down there - I can"t carry on."
"That"ll be my arthritis," she says. "What? I never heard of anyone having arthritis in their fanny before."
"No," she says, "It"s in my arms and hands... I can"t wipe me arse."
................
If someone ever invents a vibrator that can open jars, us men are ******!
...............
A Essex girl went into a sex shop and asked the assistant for a vibrator. Wagging his finger at her, he said, "Come this way."
She replied, If I could come that way, I wouldn"t need a vibrator."
------------------------------------
Have you heard about the guy with no ****?
He went home and give his wife a good bollocking.
..............
I got fired from the sperm bank yesterday......
Apparently you’re not allowed to nudge the nearest co-worker and say,
“Get a load of this guy” every time someone walks in.......
.............
If you like listening to music while having sex, choose a live album, that way, you get applause every 3 to 4 minutes......
............
I've just bought some Viagra tea bags.....
They don't improve your sex life, but they stop your biscuits going soft....
............
A bloke goes in the pub and orders ten double whiskies, he knocks them back and the barman says,
blimey mate, you drank them quick, well, says the bloke, I'm celebrating my first blow job,
the barman says, well in that case, have one on the house, the bloke says,
don't bother,if ten doubles won't take the taste away, another one won't make any difference......
............
John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life,between the legs of me wife!"
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!
He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of the night."
She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?" John said,
"Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."
"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner.
The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."
She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been in there twice in the last four years.
Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."
..................
I was drunk last night and I ended up going back to some birds place for sex.
When I woke up this morning I wandered into her kitchen and there was a bloke standing there making a cup of tea.
"Sorry" I said, "But where's the girl I shagged last night?"
"That was me" he smiled.
"**** off" I said, "I think you'll find that it was definitely me"...
........................
I walked in with a bunch of flowers today and my wife said, "Ok, what have you done now?"
"I slept with your sister," I replied.
"What? And you think a bunch of flowers are going to make me forgive you?" she screamed.
"What the **** are you on about? They're for your sister."
...................
Why do women think its ok to leave their bedroom curtains open when they are getting undressed,
then start screaming "You pervert!", because you looked.
This happened to me last night, and I was that shocked, I almost fell out of the tree.
...................
A distressed but attractive woman stands at the edge of a cliff, trying to get the nerve to jump.
A passing homeless man says, "since you're about to kill yourself Anyway, would you mind if we had sex first?
The woman replies, "get away from me you sick twat!"
The man turns away and mutters "fine, I'll just go and wait at the bottom"...
....................
I can't stand the double standards regarding gender...
If a woman says she's slept with a hundred men people say she's a slag..
If I say I've slept with a hundred women they say....!!!
"**** off you lying *******"....!!!
....................
I said to my wife this morning, "Can you believe our milkman? He reckons he's shagged every woman on our street except one"......!!!
She said, "I bet it's that frosty faced cow at number 42".
.....................
Sometimes I like to hide my wife's inhaler........
So the neighbours think I'm a stallion when they hear her panting.
"Give it to me"......!!!
...........................
Three guys sit in a bar complaining about their wives.
The first guy says, "My wife is so dumb, she carries an automatic garage door opener in her car and she doesn't have a garage door"...
The second guy says, "My wife is so dumb, she listens to an iPod and she doesn't have any earphones".....
The third guy says, "My wife is so dumb, she carries a purse full of condoms and she doesn't even have a ****"......
---------------------------------------------
day, so she took off all of her clothes and pointed to her vagina, and said,
"Johnny. This is where you come from."
Johnny went to school the next day smiling and insisting all his friends
now refer to him as "Lucky Johnny."
"Why?" one asked.
Johnny held his fingers an inch apart and said, "Because I came this
close to being a turd."
............................
Mickey and Mini Mouse are in court.
The Judge says, "Mickey, you can't get a divorce because you claim Mini crashed her new spaceship".....
Mickey shouts, "I never said that, I said that she keeps ******* going down on Pluto".....!!!
................
Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and values.
Stu said, "I didn"t sleep with my wife before we got married, did you"...?
Leroy replied, "I"m not sure, What was her maiden name".....?
......................
A married couple are driving along when they see a wounded skunk on the side of the road.
They stop, the wife gets out, picks it up, and brings it into the car. She says, "Look, it"s shivering, it must be cold.
What should I do?" Her husband replies, "Put it between your legs to keep it warm."
She asks, "What about the smell?" He says, "Hold its nose."
......................
What did the dwarf get when he ran through a woman"s legs? A clit round the ear and a flap across the face!
......................
Two women were having lunch together, and discussing the merits of cosmetic surgery.
The first woman says, "I need to be honest with you, I"m getting a boob job."
The second woman says "Oh that"s nothing, I"m thinking of having my asshole bleached!"
To which the first replies, "Whoa I just can"t picture your husband as a blonde!"
...................
Did you hear about the short sighted Circumciser?He got the sack
.....................
I phoned up the clinic the other day to enquire about circumcision.....I got cut off.
----------------------------------------------
Paddy says to Mick, "I hear that girl who played ***** Galore in the Bond films has split her fanny open!"
Mick replies, "Honor Blackman?"Paddy says, "No on a dildo!"
..............
McVities have just bought out a new biscuit range, "Clitoris-Creams".They carry a guarantee.
"One lick and you"ll want to eat the box"
...............
One time you had to pull a womans knickers down to see her arse.Nowadays you have to open her arse to see her knickers.
..............
Two guys in a health club, one is putting on lace knickers."Since when do you wear womens pants?"
"Since my wife found them in the glove compartment!"
...............
A nun is in the bath when there"s a knock on the bathroom door."Who is it?" shouted the nun.
"The blind man" came the reply.The nun tells him to enter, as he wouldn"t be able to see her in all her glory, because he"s blind.
He walks in and quips "Nice pair of tits, where do you want the blinds?"
.................
Life is like oral sex, one slip of the tongue and your in the ****
...................
Two old age pensioners are having a 69. After 5 minutes he says, "Sorry luv the smell"s too bad down there - I can"t carry on."
"That"ll be my arthritis," she says. "What? I never heard of anyone having arthritis in their fanny before."
"No," she says, "It"s in my arms and hands... I can"t wipe me arse."
................
If someone ever invents a vibrator that can open jars, us men are ******!
...............
A Essex girl went into a sex shop and asked the assistant for a vibrator. Wagging his finger at her, he said, "Come this way."
She replied, If I could come that way, I wouldn"t need a vibrator."
------------------------------------
Have you heard about the guy with no ****?
He went home and give his wife a good bollocking.
..............
I got fired from the sperm bank yesterday......
Apparently you’re not allowed to nudge the nearest co-worker and say,
“Get a load of this guy” every time someone walks in.......
.............
If you like listening to music while having sex, choose a live album, that way, you get applause every 3 to 4 minutes......
............
I've just bought some Viagra tea bags.....
They don't improve your sex life, but they stop your biscuits going soft....
............
A bloke goes in the pub and orders ten double whiskies, he knocks them back and the barman says,
blimey mate, you drank them quick, well, says the bloke, I'm celebrating my first blow job,
the barman says, well in that case, have one on the house, the bloke says,
don't bother,if ten doubles won't take the taste away, another one won't make any difference......
............
John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life,between the legs of me wife!"
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!
He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of the night."
She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?" John said,
"Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."
"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner.
The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."
She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been in there twice in the last four years.
Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."
..................
I was drunk last night and I ended up going back to some birds place for sex.
When I woke up this morning I wandered into her kitchen and there was a bloke standing there making a cup of tea.
"Sorry" I said, "But where's the girl I shagged last night?"
"That was me" he smiled.
"**** off" I said, "I think you'll find that it was definitely me"...
........................
I walked in with a bunch of flowers today and my wife said, "Ok, what have you done now?"
"I slept with your sister," I replied.
"What? And you think a bunch of flowers are going to make me forgive you?" she screamed.
"What the **** are you on about? They're for your sister."
...................
Why do women think its ok to leave their bedroom curtains open when they are getting undressed,
then start screaming "You pervert!", because you looked.
This happened to me last night, and I was that shocked, I almost fell out of the tree.
...................
A distressed but attractive woman stands at the edge of a cliff, trying to get the nerve to jump.
A passing homeless man says, "since you're about to kill yourself Anyway, would you mind if we had sex first?
The woman replies, "get away from me you sick twat!"
The man turns away and mutters "fine, I'll just go and wait at the bottom"...
....................
I can't stand the double standards regarding gender...
If a woman says she's slept with a hundred men people say she's a slag..
If I say I've slept with a hundred women they say....!!!
"**** off you lying *******"....!!!
....................
I said to my wife this morning, "Can you believe our milkman? He reckons he's shagged every woman on our street except one"......!!!
She said, "I bet it's that frosty faced cow at number 42".
.....................
Sometimes I like to hide my wife's inhaler........
So the neighbours think I'm a stallion when they hear her panting.
"Give it to me"......!!!
...........................
Three guys sit in a bar complaining about their wives.
The first guy says, "My wife is so dumb, she carries an automatic garage door opener in her car and she doesn't have a garage door"...
The second guy says, "My wife is so dumb, she listens to an iPod and she doesn't have any earphones".....
The third guy says, "My wife is so dumb, she carries a purse full of condoms and she doesn't even have a ****"......
---------------------------------------------
I went into the bank and walked up to the lady at the desk and said, "I want to open a ******* bank account."
"Excuse me, what did you say ?" she replied.
"I said I want to open a ******* bank account."
"I'm willing to help you," she said, "But if you keep using that kind of language I'll have to get the manager over here."
"Why, because i want to open a ******* back account ?"
The lady had it and stormed off the the back to get the manager. She came back with the bank manager and he said to me, "Sir, what seems to be the problem ?"
I said to him, "The problem is that I just want to open up a ******* bank account here with £900,000."
The manager replied, "Oh, and is this **** giving you a hard time !"
"Excuse me, what did you say ?" she replied.
"I said I want to open a ******* bank account."
"I'm willing to help you," she said, "But if you keep using that kind of language I'll have to get the manager over here."
"Why, because i want to open a ******* back account ?"
The lady had it and stormed off the the back to get the manager. She came back with the bank manager and he said to me, "Sir, what seems to be the problem ?"
I said to him, "The problem is that I just want to open up a ******* bank account here with £900,000."
The manager replied, "Oh, and is this **** giving you a hard time !"
Old but gold ...
1. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator –
'This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother.'
2. New Zealand Rugby Commentator –
'Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him.'
3. Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator –
'And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria .. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!'
4. Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 –
'Ah, isn't that nice.. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford crew..'
5. US PGA Commentator –
'One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them ........ Oh my god !! What have I just said??'
6. Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on 'Time Team Live' said:
'You'd eat beaver if you could get it.'
7. A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked,
'So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last night?'
Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard!
8. Steve Ryder covering the US Masters:
'Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69 yesterday.'
9. Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said:
'There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this. '
10 Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports:
'Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets.'
11. Michael Buerk on watching Philippa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked:
'They seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's only come in his shorts.'
12. Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open:
'Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by hand’
1. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator –
'This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother.'
2. New Zealand Rugby Commentator –
'Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him.'
3. Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator –
'And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria .. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!'
4. Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 –
'Ah, isn't that nice.. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford crew..'
5. US PGA Commentator –
'One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them ........ Oh my god !! What have I just said??'
6. Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on 'Time Team Live' said:
'You'd eat beaver if you could get it.'
7. A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked,
'So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last night?'
Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard!
8. Steve Ryder covering the US Masters:
'Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69 yesterday.'
9. Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said:
'There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this. '
10 Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports:
'Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets.'
11. Michael Buerk on watching Philippa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked:
'They seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's only come in his shorts.'
12. Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open:
'Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by hand’
A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic
garbage bags behind her.
One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20fell out onto the
sidewalk.
Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills
falling out of that bag.”
"Oh, really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I
can find them. Thanks for telling me, officer.”
"Well, now, not so fast,"
said the cop. “Where did you get all that money?
You didn't steal it, did you?"
"Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to a
golf course.
A lot of golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into
my flower garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know.
Then I thought, why not make the best of it!......
"......So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge
clippers. Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise
him, grab hold of it and say,
‘O.K., buddy! Give me $20, or off it comes’."
"Well, that seems only
fair," said the cop, laughing. “OK and good luck. By
the way, what's in the other bag?"
“Well, not everybody pays", says the old lady!
garbage bags behind her.
One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20fell out onto the
sidewalk.
Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills
falling out of that bag.”
"Oh, really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I
can find them. Thanks for telling me, officer.”
"Well, now, not so fast,"
said the cop. “Where did you get all that money?
You didn't steal it, did you?"
"Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to a
golf course.
A lot of golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into
my flower garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know.
Then I thought, why not make the best of it!......
"......So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge
clippers. Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise
him, grab hold of it and say,
‘O.K., buddy! Give me $20, or off it comes’."
"Well, that seems only
fair," said the cop, laughing. “OK and good luck. By
the way, what's in the other bag?"
“Well, not everybody pays", says the old lady!
One dark night outside Mundare, a small town East of Edmonton, Alberta, a fire started inside the local sausage plant and in a blink it exploded into massive flames. The alarm went out to all the fire departments from miles around. When the local volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the sausage company president rushed to the fire chief and said, "All of our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved and I will give $50,000 to the fire department that brings them out intact." But the roaring flames held the firefighters off
Soon more fire departments from surrounding towns had to be called in as the situation became desperate. As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer was now $100,000 to the fire department who could bring out the company's secret files. Then, from a distance, a lone siren was heard as one more fire truck came into sight. It was the nearby Smoky Lake rural township volunteer fire department composed mainly of Ukrainians over the age of 65. To everyone's amazement, the little run-down fire engine, operated by these Ukrainians, passed all the newer sleek engines parked outside the plant and drove straight into the middle of the inferno.
Outside, the other firemen watched as the Ukrainian old timers jumped off and began to fight the fire from the inside with a performance and effort never seen before. Within a short time, the Smoky Lake old-timers had extinguished the fire and saved the secret formulas.
The grateful sausage company president joyfully announced that for such a superhuman feat he was upping the reward to $200,000, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave, though elderly, Ukrainian firefighters. The Edmonton TV news reporters rushed in after capturing the event on film, asking, "What are you going to do with all that money?"
" Vell," said Nick Sputski, the 70-year-old fire chief, "da furst thing vee gonna do is fix da brakes on dat focking trock."
Soon more fire departments from surrounding towns had to be called in as the situation became desperate. As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer was now $100,000 to the fire department who could bring out the company's secret files. Then, from a distance, a lone siren was heard as one more fire truck came into sight. It was the nearby Smoky Lake rural township volunteer fire department composed mainly of Ukrainians over the age of 65. To everyone's amazement, the little run-down fire engine, operated by these Ukrainians, passed all the newer sleek engines parked outside the plant and drove straight into the middle of the inferno.
Outside, the other firemen watched as the Ukrainian old timers jumped off and began to fight the fire from the inside with a performance and effort never seen before. Within a short time, the Smoky Lake old-timers had extinguished the fire and saved the secret formulas.
The grateful sausage company president joyfully announced that for such a superhuman feat he was upping the reward to $200,000, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave, though elderly, Ukrainian firefighters. The Edmonton TV news reporters rushed in after capturing the event on film, asking, "What are you going to do with all that money?"
" Vell," said Nick Sputski, the 70-year-old fire chief, "da furst thing vee gonna do is fix da brakes on dat focking trock."
A virile, middle-aged Italian gentlemen named Guido was relaxing at his favourite bar in Rome when he managed to attract the attentions of a spectacular young blonde woman. Things progressed to the point where he led her back to his apartment, and, after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he rattled her senseless. After a pleasant interlude he asked with a smile "So, you finish?" She paused for a second, frowned, and replied "No"
Surprised, Guido reached for her and the rattling resumed. This time she thrashed about wildly and there were screams of passion. The sex finally ends and, again, Guido smiles and asks "You finish?" Again, after a short pause, she returns his smile, cuddles closer to him and softly says, "No."
Stunned, but damned if he was going to leave this woman unsatisfied, Guido reaches for the woman yet again. Using the last of his strength, he barely manages it, but they end together screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets. Exhausted, Guido falls onto his back, gasping. Barely able to turn his head, he looks into her eyes, smiles proudly and asked again, "You finish?" Barely able to speak, the beautiful blonde whispers in his ear "No, I Norwegian"
*********************************
An Irishman goes into the confessional box after years of being away from the Church.
To his amazement, there's a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates.
Then the priest comes in, and the man says "Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be."
The priest replies: "Get out. You're on my side."
*********************************
New Treatment For Sunburn
A guy fell asleep on the beach for several hours and got horrible sunburn, specifically to his upper legs.
He went to the hospital, and after being diagnosed with second-degree burns, he was promptly admitted to the burns ward.
With his skin already starting to blister, and the severe pain he was in, the doctor prescribed continuous intravenous feeding with saline, electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours.
The nurse, who was rather astounded, asked, 'What good will Viagra do for him, Doctor'?
The doctor replied, 'It won't do anything for his condition, but it'll keep the sheets off his legs.'
Surprised, Guido reached for her and the rattling resumed. This time she thrashed about wildly and there were screams of passion. The sex finally ends and, again, Guido smiles and asks "You finish?" Again, after a short pause, she returns his smile, cuddles closer to him and softly says, "No."
Stunned, but damned if he was going to leave this woman unsatisfied, Guido reaches for the woman yet again. Using the last of his strength, he barely manages it, but they end together screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets. Exhausted, Guido falls onto his back, gasping. Barely able to turn his head, he looks into her eyes, smiles proudly and asked again, "You finish?" Barely able to speak, the beautiful blonde whispers in his ear "No, I Norwegian"
*********************************
An Irishman goes into the confessional box after years of being away from the Church.
To his amazement, there's a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates.
Then the priest comes in, and the man says "Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be."
The priest replies: "Get out. You're on my side."
*********************************
New Treatment For Sunburn
A guy fell asleep on the beach for several hours and got horrible sunburn, specifically to his upper legs.
He went to the hospital, and after being diagnosed with second-degree burns, he was promptly admitted to the burns ward.
With his skin already starting to blister, and the severe pain he was in, the doctor prescribed continuous intravenous feeding with saline, electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours.
The nurse, who was rather astounded, asked, 'What good will Viagra do for him, Doctor'?
The doctor replied, 'It won't do anything for his condition, but it'll keep the sheets off his legs.'
While riding my Harley, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer, lost control and landed in a ditch, and severely banged my head. Dazed and confused I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road … when a shinny, new convertible pulled up - with a very beautiful women, who asked, "Are you okay ?"
As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low cut blouse with cleavage to die for. "I'm okay I think," I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look.
She said, “Get in and I will take you to my house so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head.”
"That's nice of you," I answered, “but I don't think my wife will like me doing that !”
"Oh, come now, I am a nurse" she insisted. "I need to see if you have any more scrapes, and then treat them properly."
Well, she was really pretty, and very persuasive. And being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed - but repeated, "I'm sure my wife won't like this."
We arrived at her place, which was just few miles away. And after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better, but I know my wife is going to be really upset, so I'd better go now."
"Don't be silly !" she said with a smile, while unbuttoning her blouse exposing the most beautiful set of boobs I’ve ever seen. "Stay for a while. She won't know anything. And by the way, where is she ?"
I replied, "Still in the ditch with my Harley, I guess."
As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low cut blouse with cleavage to die for. "I'm okay I think," I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look.
She said, “Get in and I will take you to my house so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head.”
"That's nice of you," I answered, “but I don't think my wife will like me doing that !”
"Oh, come now, I am a nurse" she insisted. "I need to see if you have any more scrapes, and then treat them properly."
Well, she was really pretty, and very persuasive. And being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed - but repeated, "I'm sure my wife won't like this."
We arrived at her place, which was just few miles away. And after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better, but I know my wife is going to be really upset, so I'd better go now."
"Don't be silly !" she said with a smile, while unbuttoning her blouse exposing the most beautiful set of boobs I’ve ever seen. "Stay for a while. She won't know anything. And by the way, where is she ?"
I replied, "Still in the ditch with my Harley, I guess."
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