A few more laughs ....

[colsy]

I met up with a woman this morning who I found on a dating website.

"I couldn't believe my luck when I saw your profile." I told her. "We share the same hobby."

"It was a typo!" She said. "I'm really into WALKING. So Bob, please, pull your ****ing trousers up."

 

[colsy]

Subject: 1. The Jewish Elbow, 2. The Italian Grandfather 2. The Irish Blonde

1. The Jewish ELBOW


A Jewish grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit with his wife.
"You come to the front door of the apartment. I am in apartment 301 . There is a big panel at the front door. With your elbow, push button 301. I will buzz you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with your elbow, push 3. When you get out, I'm on the left.. With your elbow, hit my doorbell.">>

"Grandma, that sounds easy, but, why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow? .........
"What . . . .. .. You're coming empty handed?"
______________________________ _________________
2. Wise Italian Grandfather
Why Italian Fathers and Grandfathers pass their handguns down through the family.
An old Italian man is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside, Guido, I wan' you lissina me. I wan' you to take-a my chrome plated ..38 revolver so you will always remember me."
"But grandpa, I really don't like guns.. How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?"
"You lissina me, boy. Somma day you gonna be runna da business , you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a couple of bambinos. "
"Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with another man.
"Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, 'times up' "?
______________________________ ______________________________
3. Irish Blonde...
An attractive blonde from Cork , Ireland , arrived at the casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty thousand dollars in a single roll of the dice.
She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude." with that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"
As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed. "Yes! Yes! I won, I won!" She hugged each of the dealers, picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.
The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.
Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?" The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."
MORAL OF THE STORY
Not all Irish are drunks, not all blondes are dumb ..... but all men...are men!
_____________________________ ______________________________
Global Facts About Sex
At any given moment:

FACT: 79,000,000 people are having sex - right now.
FACT: 58,000,000 are kissing.
FACT: 37,000,000 are relaxing after having sex.
FACT: 1 old person is reading emails.
You hang in there, sunshine

____________________________________________________________________

 

[colsy]

Monday funnies...

I came out of the chip shop with a meat/potato pie, large chips, mushy peas & a jumbo sausage.
A poor homeless man sitting there said, “I've not eaten for two days.”
I told him, “I wish I had your will power!”


I took my biology exam last Friday.
I was asked to name two things commonly found in cells.
Apparently "young blacks" and "Romanian gypsies" were not the correct answers.


A fat girl took a while to serve me in McDonald's at lunch time today.
She said, “Sorry about the wait.”
I said, “Don't worry, dear. You might lose it eventually.”


I walked past a black kid sitting at a bus stop, as I went into the bank.
When I came out, he looked at me and said, “Any change?”
I said, “No, you're still black.”


An Irish boy stands crying at the side of the road.
A man asks him, “What's wrong?”
The boy says, “Me ma is dead.”
“Oh bejaysus," the man says.
“Do you want me to call Father O'Riley for you?”
The boy replies, “No tanks mister. Sex is the last ting on me mind at the moment.”


Years ago it was suggested that an apple a day kept the doctor away.
But since all the doctors are now muslims,
I've found that a bacon sandwich works better !


I hate all this terrorist business.
I used to love the days when you could look at an unattended bag on a train or a bus and think to yourself, "I'm gonna take that!"


Man in a hot air balloon is lost over Ireland .
He looks down and sees a farmer in the fields and shouts down to him,
“Where am I ?”
The Irish farmer looks back up and shouts back, "You can't fool me.
You're in that basket up there."


I had a Trivia Competition in the bag until the very last question
- which I got wrong.
The question was:
"Where do women have the curliest hair ?"
Apparently the correct answer is Fiji .


A woman has a medical at the doctors...
“You are grossly overweight,” he says.
"I want a 2nd opinion,” she exclaims.
"OK. You're bloody ugly as well.”


That should more or less offend everyone!

 

[martin j.]

That should more or less offend everyone!

Sorry out of luck there mate, I still think PC means Police Constable or personal computer, made me laugh though, keep them coming.

 

[colsy]

thanks martin..
--------------bject: Fwd: Three Knots.....






An old retired sailor, puts on his old uniform and heads for the docks once more, for old time sake.

He engages a prostitute and takes her up to a room.

He's soon going at it as well as he can for a guy his age, but needing some reassurance,
he asks, 'How am I doing??'

The prostitute replies, 'Well, old sailor, you're doing about three knots '

'Three knots?' he asks. ’What’s that supposed to mean?'

cid:f493896548a04128a9eac9c5a809bdfb@paycheck


She says, 'You're knot hard, you're knot in, and you're knot getting your money back.


------

 

[colsy]

could easily be the case...ffs !!

Not in the slightest bit PC ...




HEADLINES FROM THE YEAR 2050.

Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions.

White minorities still trying to have English recognized as the UK's third language.

Children from two-parent, married, heterosexual families bullied in schools for being 'different'. Tolerance urged.

Manchester schoolgirl expelled for not wearing a burqa.

Japan announces that they will no longer consume whale meat as whales are now extinct, and the scientific research fleet are unemployed.
UK Government tells the Japanese that grey squirrels taste like whale meat.

Britain now has ten universities of Political Correctness.
Professor Goldman of LSPC says there is still a long way to go in the fight to stop people saying what they think.

Britain's deficit £10 trillion and rising. Government declares return to surplus in 100 years which is 300 years ahead of time.
Prime Minister Mohammed Yousuf claims increased growth through more immigration is the secret to success.

Baby conceived naturally. Scientists stumped.

Iran still isolated. Physicists estimate at least ten more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.

France pleads for global help after being taken over by Islamic Countries. No one responds.

Jose Manuel Rodrigez Bush says he will run for second term as US President in 2052.

Post Office raises price of stamps to £18 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only.

After a ten-year, £75.8 billion study commissioned by the Labour Party, scientists prove diet and exercise is the key to weight loss.

Average weight of a British male drops to 18 stone.

Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed they can now photograph a woman with her mouth shut.

Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil and human rights.
Victims to be held partly responsible for crime.

Average height of professional basketball players is now nine feet seven inches.

New law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2055 as lethal weapons.

Inland Revenue sets lowest tax rate in decades at 75 per cent.

Bradford win FA Cup Final, beating Hindu Hornets 4-1.


....

 

[colsy]

Subject: Fwd: Slippery chair


A man and a woman were having a quiet, romantic dinner in a fine
> restaurant. They were gazing lovingly at each other and holding hands.
>
> The waitress, taking another order at a table a few steps away,
> suddenly noticed the woman slowly sliding down her chair, under the
> table and under the table cloth but the man stared straight ahead.
>
> The waitress watched as the woman kept
> totally out of sight under the tablecloth.
>
> Still, the man stared straight ahead
>
> The waitress, thinking this behaviour a bit risqué and worried that
> it might offend other diners, he went over to the table and, tactfully,
> began by saying to the man:
>
> "Pardon me sir, but I think your wife just slid under the table."
>
> The man calmly looked up at her and said:
ù
ù
ù
ù
ù
ù

ù
ù
ù
ù
ù
ùù

ù
ùù

ùù
ù
ù
"No, unfortunately she just walked in."

 

[colsy]

A family is driving behind an Ann Summers delivery lorry on the motorway when a large dildo comes flying out the back and hits their windscreen.
To hide all embarrassment the mother says to the children 'ohh that was a big insect' to which the 7 yr old son replies
'I'm very surprised it could even fly with a **** that size'
.........................
Man goes to see the docotor about a small lump on his forehead. Docotor examines him and is totally puzzled by it.
“Lets just keep an eye on it” says the doc and sends him home.
Next day the man is back, and the lump is bigger. “The lump’s got bigger doc”. “yes, I can see that” says the doc.
Prods and pokes the lump a bit and decides a biopsy would be a good idea.
Next day the doc phones the man “I think you better come in and see me straight away”.
The man turns up at the docs and the lump is noticebly much bigger.
“sit down” says the doc “I’ve got some rather surprising news for you. I’m afraid the lump on your forehead is a second penis”.
“WHAT!!!” screams our man, “it’s grown in the last two days, how mauch bigger is it going to get?”.
“Well” says the doc “I’m afraid it’s going to grow to the size of your own penis.
If you don’t mind me asking how big are you in the wedding tackle department?”.
“I’m fortunate to be quite well endowed with 7 inches doc. You have to do something doc, I can’t walk around with a 7 inch **** on my face!”.
“Oh, you wont be able to see it” says the doc.
“WON’T BE ABLE TO SEE IT?. What do you mean I won’t be able to see it?”
“No, your bollocks will be covering your eyes”
..............................
Paddy, the labourer goes to his doctor,
"I'm constipated." he says.
The doctor examines him for a few minutes and says, "Lean over the table."
After he does so, the doctor whacks him on his arse with a baseball bat.
A loud "CRACK!" is heard, and the doctor sends Paddy to the toilet.
After coming out of the toilet, Paddy says, "I feel great! What should I do to prevent constipation in the future?"
The doctor says, "Stop wiping your arse with cement bags....
.............................
Did you guys hear about the baby boy who was born without eyelids?
Yeah, the doctors used his excess foreskin after the circumcision to make new eyelids for him.
Thankfully, the baby survived the surgery with no complications. He's just a little cockeyed now.
.........................
Dad was in the field ploughing when he noticed Mary run into the barn. A few seconds later Bruce runs into the barn after her.
After about 20 minutes they still haven't come out of the barn, So Dad decides to see what they are doing.
As he walks into the barn he see's Bruce and Mary and they were 'going to town',
Dad thinks to himself that dirty b*****d and picks up a shovel and whacks Bruce on the buttocks with it. Bruce jumps up and runs out side.
Mary was still lying on the floor trying to cover up her modesty; Dad looked down at her and said,
"I didn't think you had it in you, Mary."
"Neither did I dad," said Mary, "Until you Hit him with the Shovel."
......................
The Pregnant Blonde
The other day my neighbour, who is blonde, came running up to me in the driveway just jumping for joy!
I didn't know why she was jumping for joy. I thought, what the heck, and I starting jumping up and down along with her.
She said, "Sally, I have some really great news!"
I said, "Great. Tell me why you're so happy."
She stopped jumping and, breathing heavily from all the jumping up and down, told me that she was pregnant!
I knew that she had been trying for a while so I told her, "That's great! I couldn't be happier for you!"
Then she said, "There's more."
I asked, "What do you mean 'more'?"
She said, "Well, we are not having just one baby. We are going to have twins.
Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, I asked her how she knew. She said...
"That was the easy part. I went to Aldi and they actually had a home pregnancy kit in a twin-pack. Both tests came out positive!"
.......................
I woke up in the hospital this morning after taking a severe beating by my dominatrix last night.
Choosing "mower" as my safe word was a fcuking bad choice( esp when wearing a gag)......
..........................
A Jamaican man bought a round of drinks for everyone in the bar, announcing that his wife had just given birth
to "a typical Jamaican baby boy weighing 20 pounds."
Congratulations showered him from all around, and many exclamations of "Wow!" were heard.
A woman fainted due to sympathy pains.
Two weeks later, he returned to the bar. The bartender said, "Say, you're the father of the Jamaican baby who weighed 20 pounds at birth.
How much does he weigh now?"
The proud father answered, "Fifteen pounds."
The bartender was puzzled. "Why? What happened? He weighed 20 pounds at birth?"
The Jamaican father took a slow sip from his Red Stripe beer, wiped his lips on his shirtsleeve, leaned into the bartender and said,
"Had him Circumcised.
..............................
A Mother had 3 virgin daughters. They were all getting married within a short time period.
Because Mom was a bit worried about how their sex life would get started, she made them all promise to send a postcard
from the honeymoon with a few words on how marital sex felt.
The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding. The card said nothing but "Nescafe."
Mom was puzzled at first, but then went to the kitchen and got out the Nescafe jar. It said: "Good till the last drop."
Mom blushed, but was pleased for her daughter.
The second girl sent the card from Vermont a week after the wedding, and the card read: "Benson&Hedges".
Mom now knew to go straight to her husband's cigarettes, and she read from the Benson&Hedges pack: "Extra Long King Size."
She was again slightly embarrassed but still happy for her daughter.
The third girl left for her honeymoon in the Caribbean. Mom waited for a week, nothing.
Another week went by and still nothing. Then after a whole month, a card finally arrived.
Written on it with shaky handwriting were the words: "British Airways".
Mom took out her latest Harper's Bazaar magazine, flipped through the pages fearing the worst, and finally found the ad for the airline.
The ad said:
"Three times a day, seven days a week, both ways." (Mom fainted)
................................
A bloke busting for the loo uses ladies in a posh hotel.
He sits down & notices 4 buttons - WW, WA, PP and ATR. Curious,
he presses WW & is gently sprayed with warm water, then WA and a blast of warm air dries him.
PP, a powder puff which left him smelling fresh. Feeling pampered he presses ATR......
He wakes up in hospital & asks the nurse what the **** happened.
She says ATR means Automatic Tampon Remover - your **** is under your pillow!
...................................

Got thrown out of the chemists today. I only asked the woman behind the counter "do you take it up the arse love, or do you swallow it"?
She went mental. F*ck knows what i do with these suppositories!!..
...................
My new sexy neighbour just sneezed, so by instinct and good manners I said bless you...
She said thanks, but looked a little confused that her wardrobe was talking to her!!..
...................
I have a problem I need to share with you. I have a lesbian couple living next door and trust me when I tell you that they are stunning.
Last year they asked me to help them, They needed a donor father as to make their lives complete they yearn for a child,
I was a bit shocked by this, they said they didn't trust Doctors and wanted to conceive in the "traditional" way.
Well we've been trying now for several months with no success, the problem is this, at what point do I tell them about my vasectomy?..
....................
A guy walks into a pharmacy and says to the pharmacist, "Listen, I have three girls coming over tonight. I've never had three girls at once.
I need something to keep me ready and keep me potent."
The pharmacist reaches under the counter, unlocks the bottom drawer and takes out a small cardboard box marked with a label
**Viagra Extra Strength** and says, "Here, if you eat this, you'll go nuts for twelve hours."
The guy says, "Gimme three boxes."
The next day, the guy walks into the same pharmacy, limps up to the pharmacist and pulls down his pants.
The pharmacist looks in horror as he notices the man's ‘member’ is black and blue, mangled and chunks of skin are hanging off in some places.
In a pained voice, the man moans out, "Gimme a bottle of Deep Heat."
The pharmacist replies in horror, "You can't put Deep Heat on that!"
The man replies, "No, it's for my arms, the girls didn't show up."
........................

An Education of the Word ****:-

The Best Word in the English Language... is it **** or ****?

Here is my argument in support of ****.....................
Perhaps one of the most interesting and colourful words in the English language today is the word "****".
It is a magical word which, just by its sound can describe pain, pleasure, love, and hate. In language, "****" falls into many grammatical categories.
It can be used as a verb both transitive (John ****ed Mary) and intransitive (Mary was ****ed by John).
~
It can be an action verb (John really gives a ****),
~
A passive verb (Mary really doesn't give a ****),
~
An adverb (Mary is ****ing interested in John),
~
Or as a noun (Mary is a terrific ****).
~
It can also be used as an interjection (****! I'm late for my date with Mary).
~
It can even be used as a conjunction (Mary is easy, **** she's also stupid).
~
As you can see there are very few words with the overall versatility of the word ****.
~
Aside from its sexual connotations, this word can be used to describe many situations:
~
1. Greetings........."How the **** are ya?"
2. Fraud..............."I got ****ed by ransomware"
3. Resignation......."Oh, **** it!"
4. Trouble............."I guess I'm ****ed now."
5. Aggression........."**** you!"
6. Disgust................"**** me."
7. Confusion............." What the ****....?"
8. Displeasure............"****ing **** man..."
9. Lost........................"Where the **** are we?"
10.Disbelief..............."Un****ingbelievable!"
11.Retaliation............."Up your ****ing ass!"
12. Apathy................."Who really gives a ****?"
13. Suspicion............."Who the **** are you?"
14. Directions.............."**** off."
It can be maternal........"Mother****er!"
It can be used to tell time......."It's four ****ing twenty!"
It can be used as an anatomical description............."He's a ****ing asshole."
Lastly, it has been used by many notable people throughout history:
"What the **** was that?" -Mayor of Hiroshima
"That's not a real ****ing gun." -John Lennon
"Where the **** is all this water coming from?" -Captain of the Titanic
"Who the **** is gonna find out?" -Richard Nixon
"Heads are gonna ****ing roll." -Anne Boleyn
"Any ****ing idiot could answer that." -Albert Einstein
"It does so ****ing look like her!" -Picasso
"You want what on the ****ing ceiling?" -Michaelangelo
"**** a duck." -Walt Disney
"Houston, we have a big ****ing problem." - The crew of Apollo 13
........................................

The big game hunter walked in the bar and bragged to everyone about his hunting skills. The man was undoubtedly a good shot and no one could dispute that. But then he said that they could blindfold him and he would recognize any animal's skin from its feel, and if he could locate the bullet hole he would even tell them what calibre the bullet was that killed the animal. The hunter said that he was willing to prove it if they would put up the drinks, and so the bet was on. They blindfolded him carefully and took him to his first animal skin. After feeling it for a few moments, he announced "Bear." Then he felt the bullet hole and declared, "Shot with a .308 rifle." He was right.
They brought him another skin, one that someone had in their car trunk. He took a bit longer this time and then said, "Elk, Shot with a 7mm Mag rifle. He was right again.
Through the night, he proved his skills again and again, every time against a round of drinks. Finally he staggered home, drunk out of his mind,and went to sleep. The next morning he got up and saw in the mirror that he had one hell of a shiner. He said to his wife, "I know I was drunk last night, but not drunk enough to get in a fight and not remember it. Where did I get this blackeye?"
His wife angrily replied, "I gave it to you. You got into bed and put your hand down my panties. Then you fiddled around a bit and loudly announced, "Skunk, killed with an axe."
..........................
A woman's shoes say a lot about her feelings.
For example, if they're behind her ears, she likes you.
.......................
I was sitting on the the bus opposite a real sexy Thai bird thinking to myself, "Please don't get an erection, please don't get an erection."
To my horror, she did...........
........................
A beautiful woman is standing on a bridge, looking over the side and thinking about jumping off.
A homeless man walks up to her.
She sees the man coming and says, "Go away! There's nothing you can say to change my mind!"
He says, "Well, if you're going to kill yourself anyway, why don't we have sex? At least I'll enjoy it."
"Absolutely not! You're disgusting!", she replies. The man turns and starts walking away.
"Is that all you're going to say? You're not going to try to convince me that life is worth living? Where are you going?"
"I have to make it down to the bottom. If I hurry, you'll still be warm!", he says.
........................
Thought I was good at sex till I found out she had Asthma !!
........................
I run a support group for blokes with small cocks, we have a chat about our problems over a few beers.
We meet at the 'Issit Inn' every week
.......................
My girlfriend and I were having sex the other day when she looked at me and said, "Make love to me like in the movies."
So I ****ed her in the ass, pulled out, and came all over her face and hair.
I guess we don't watch the same movies.
..........................

 

[colsy]

A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the crotch. Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. He finally gets himself to the doctor. He says, "How bad is it doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my fiancee is still a virgin." The doctor said, "I'll have to wrap and put your penis in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week." So he wrapped it took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4-sided splint, held together with surgical wire. It was an impressive work of art.
The guy mentions none of this to his girlfriend. They marry and on their honeymoon night in the motel room, she rips open her blouse to reveal a gorgeous set of breasts. This was the first time he had ever seen them. She says, "You are the first, no one has ever touched these breasts. "
He pulls down his pants, whips out his splinted **** and says, "Look at this beauty, it's still in the ****ING CRATE!"

 

[colsy]

Police work must be entertaining as well as dangerous.

Recently, a female police officer arrested Patrick LAWRENCE, a 22 year
old male, who was caught fornicating with a pumpkin in the middle of
the night.

The next day, at the Horsham Court (Victoria, Australia), LAWRENCE was
charged with lewd and lascivious behaviour, public indecency and public
intoxication.

LAWRENCE explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch on his way home
from a drinking session, he decided to stop.
"You know how a pumpkin can be soft and squishy inside... well,
there was no one around for miles - or at least I thought there wasn't anyone
around..." he stated.

LAWRENCE went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road,
picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purpose, cut a
hole in it and proceeded to satisfy his pressing need.
"I s'pose I was really into it, you know?" he commented with evident embarrassment.

In the process of doing the deed, LAWRENCE failed to notice an approaching police car
and was unaware of his audience, until Senior Constable Brenda TAYLOR approached him.

'It was an unusual situation, that's for sure,' said Senior Constable TAYLOR,
'I walked up to LAWRENCE - and he's just banging away at this pumpkin...'

Senior Constable TAYLOR went on to describe what happened when she approached LAWRENCE...
"I said; 'Excuse me sir, why are you having sex with a pumpkin?"

"LAWRENCE froze.
He was clearly very surprised that I was there, but then he looked me
straight in the eye and said,
'A pumpkin? **** - is it midnight already?"

The court (and the magistrate) could not contain their mirth.

The Geelong Post wrote an article describing this as 'The best
come-back line ever.'

 

[martin j.]

Excellent

 

[MOB]

Lmao

 

[colsy]

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^thanks for comments^^^^^^^^^^^^

==========================

SCOTTISH GOLF STORY

John, who lived in the north of England, decided to go golfing in
> Scotland with his buddy, Shawn.
>
>
>
> So they loaded up John's minivan and headed north. After driving for a
> few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into
> a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if
> they could spend the night. ‘I realize it's terrible weather out
> there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently
> widowed,' she explained, 'and I'm afraid the neighbours will talk if I
> let you stay in my house.' 'Don't worry,' John said. 'We'll be happy
> to sleep in the barn.. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at
> first light.'
>
>
>
> The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and
> settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and
> they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of golf.
>
>
>
> But about nine months later, John got an unexpected letter from an
> attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally
> determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he
> had met on the golf weekend.
>
>
>
> He dropped in on his friend Shawn and asked, "Shawn, do you remember
> that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our golf holiday
> in Scotland about 9 months ago?' ‘Yes, I do,' said Shawn 'Did you,
> er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house
> and pay her a visit?' 'Well, um, yes!,' Shawn said, a little
> embarrassed about being found out, 'I have to admit that I did.' 'And
> did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?'
> Shawn's face turned beet red and he said,
>
>
>
> 'Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?'
>
>
>
ù
ù
ù
ù
ù

ù
ù
ù
ù
ù
ù
ù

ù
ùù

ù
ù
ù
ù
‘She just died and left me everything.'

 

[colsy]

A hotel guest calls the front desk and the clerk answers, "May I help you?"


The man says, "Yes, I'm in room 858. You need to send someone to my room immediately. I'm having an argument with my wife and she says she's going to jump out the window."

The desk clerk says, "I'm sorry, sir, but that's a personal issue.”




The man replies, "Listen, I can’t get the window open... and that's a maintenance issue."

 

[colsy]

My wife says that my penis reminds her of a supermarket.

"Because it's large, well stocked and always fulfills all your needs?" I asked.

"No" she said, "because it's Lidl".

 

[colsy]

Golf Balls
A man got on a bus with both of his front trouser pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful (you guessed it) blonde. The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.

Finally, after many glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls."

The blonde continued to look at him for a very long time, thinking deeply about what he had said.

After several minutes, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, she asked,

"Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"

 

[colsy]

Subject: Fw: Fwd: Why Women Make Better Assassins...


..










> >>>> The C I A had an opening for an assassin. After all the background
> >>>> checks, interviews and testing were done, there were three finalists: two
> >>>> men and a woman.
> >>>>
> >>>> For the final test, the C I A agents took one of the men to a large metal
> >>>> door and handed him a gun.
> >>>>
> >>>> "We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the
> >>>> circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a
> >>>> chair. Kill her."
> >>>>
> >>>> The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife.
> >>>>
> >>>> The agent said, "Then you are not the right man for this job. Take your
> >>>> wife and go home.
> >>>>
> >>>> The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went
> >>>> into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. The man came out
> >>>> with tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife.
> >>>>
> >>>> The agent said, "You don't have what it takes, so take your wife and go
> >>>> home.
> >>>>
> >>>> Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions to
> >>>> kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were
> >>>> heard one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, and banging on
> >>>> the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet.
> >>>>
> >>>> The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping sweat from her
> >>>> brow.
> >>>>
> >>>> "The gun was loaded with blanks," she said.
> >>>>
> >>>> "I had to kill him with the chair.

 

[colsy]

My hallucinating isn't getting any better - I thought I saw a sausage fly past my window, but it was actually a seabird.

I think I've taken a tern for the wurst.
==========================

"It's important we remember the true meaning of Easter", says the Archbishop of Cadbury.

============================

 

[colsy]

I read that a banana a day helps to keep your colon clean. I just wish they'd told me I was supposed to eat them.

 

[colsy]

I saw two men this morning dressed in identical clothing, so I went up and asked if they were gay.

*******s arrested me.