A few more laughs ....
- Thread starter colsy
- Start date
A teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class.
She came to the part of the story where first pig was trying to gather
the building materials for his home. She read "And so the pig went up to
the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said: 'Pardon me sir, but
may I have some of that straw to build my house?'" The teacher paused
then asked the class "And what do you think the man said?" One little
boy raised his hand and said very matter-of-factly... "I think the man
would have said - 'Well, I'll be ****ed!! A talking pig!'"
=========================
She came to the part of the story where first pig was trying to gather
the building materials for his home. She read "And so the pig went up to
the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said: 'Pardon me sir, but
may I have some of that straw to build my house?'" The teacher paused
then asked the class "And what do you think the man said?" One little
boy raised his hand and said very matter-of-factly... "I think the man
would have said - 'Well, I'll be ****ed!! A talking pig!'"
=========================
A wife went to the police station with her next-door neighbor to report that her husband was missing. The policeman asked for a description.
She said, "He's 35 years old, 6 foot 4, has dark eyes, dark wavy hair, an athletic build, weighs 185 pounds, is soft-spoken, and is good to the children."
The next-door neighbor protested, "Your husband is 5 foot 4, chubby, bald, has a big mouth, and is mean to your children."
The wife replied, "Yes, but who wants HIM back?"
She said, "He's 35 years old, 6 foot 4, has dark eyes, dark wavy hair, an athletic build, weighs 185 pounds, is soft-spoken, and is good to the children."
The next-door neighbor protested, "Your husband is 5 foot 4, chubby, bald, has a big mouth, and is mean to your children."
The wife replied, "Yes, but who wants HIM back?"
Milking Machine
A farmer ordered a high-tech milking machine.
> Since the equipment arrived when his wife was out of town, he decided to test it on himself first.
> So, he inserted his 'manhood' into the equipment, turned on the switch and everything else was automatic.
> Soon, he realized that the equipment provided him with much more pleasure than his wife did. When the fun was over, though, he quickly realized that he couldn't remove the instrument from his 'member'.. He read the manual but didn't find any useful information on how to disengage himself. He tried every button on the instrument, but still without success.
> Finally, he decided to call the supplier's Customer Service Hot Line with his mobile phone (Thank God for mobile phones!).
> 'Hello, I just bought a milking machine from your company. It works fantastic, but how do I remove it from the cow's udder?'
> 'Don't worry,' replied the customer service rep, 'The machine will release automatically once it's collected two gallons.
> Have a nice day.....
A farmer ordered a high-tech milking machine.
> Since the equipment arrived when his wife was out of town, he decided to test it on himself first.
> So, he inserted his 'manhood' into the equipment, turned on the switch and everything else was automatic.
> Soon, he realized that the equipment provided him with much more pleasure than his wife did. When the fun was over, though, he quickly realized that he couldn't remove the instrument from his 'member'.. He read the manual but didn't find any useful information on how to disengage himself. He tried every button on the instrument, but still without success.
> Finally, he decided to call the supplier's Customer Service Hot Line with his mobile phone (Thank God for mobile phones!).
> 'Hello, I just bought a milking machine from your company. It works fantastic, but how do I remove it from the cow's udder?'
> 'Don't worry,' replied the customer service rep, 'The machine will release automatically once it's collected two gallons.
> Have a nice day.....
Saturday Specials
A young man was showing off his new sports car to his girlfriend. She
was thrilled at the speed. "If I do 200mph, will you take off your
clothes?" he asked. "Yes!" said his adventurous girlfriend.
And as he gets up to 200, she peeled off all her clothes.
Unable to keep his eyes on the road, the car skidded onto some gravel
and flipped over. The naked girl was thrown clear, but he was jammed
beneath the steering wheel.
"Go and get help!" he cried. "But I can't. I'm naked and my clothes are
gone!" "Take my shoe and cover yourself!" he said.
Holding the shoe over her vajayjay, the girl ran down the road and found
a service station. Still holding the shoe between her legs, she pleaded
to the service station proprietor, "Please help me! My boyfriend's
stuck!" The proprietor looked at the shoe and said, "There's nothing I
can do... he's in too far."
=================================
Little Johnny was walking down the sidewalk one day and an old man was
sitting on his front porch rocking back and forth in his rocking chair.
The old man said "Whatcha got there son?"
Johnny said "Got me some chicken wire". "Whatcha gonna do with that
chicken wire son?" asked the old man. "Gonna catch me some chickens!"
said Johnny. "You can't catch chickens with chicken wire!" said the
oldster. Johnny just shrugged his shoulders and walked on down the
street. About a half hour later Johnny came back passing the old man's
front porch... with 3 chickens entangled in the chicken wire! The old
man was shocked and couldn't believe his eyes.
About a half hour later, Johnny was again walking past the old man's
porch. "Whatcha got now son?" "Got me some duct tape". "And whatcha
gonna do with that duct tape?" the old man asked. "Gonna catch me some
ducks!" "You can't catch ducks with duct tape!" said the old man. Johnny
just shrugged his shoulders and kept on walking.
About a half hour later, back comes Johnny with 3 ducks tangled in the
duct tape. Again, the old man rubbed his eyes in disbelief.
About a half hour later, Johnny again was passing the porch. "Whatcha
got now son?" asked the old man. Johnny said "Got me some ***** willow".
The old man said "WAIT RIGHT THERE WHILE I GET MY SHOES!"
=================================
The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum
cleaner.
**** me, talk about Dyson with death!
=================================
An elderly couple were watching a Discovery Channel special about a West
African bush tribe whose men all had penises 24 inches long. When the
black male reaches a certain age, a string is tied around his penis and
on the other end is a weight. After a while, the weight stretches the
penis to 24 inches.
Later that evening as the husband was getting out of the shower, his
wife looked at him and said, "How about we try the African
string-and-weight procedure?" The husband agreed and they tied a string
and a weight to his penis. A few days later, the wife asked the husband,
"How is our little tribal experiment coming along?"
"Well, it looks like we're about half way there," he replied. "Wow, you
mean it's grown to 12 inches?" "No, it's turned black."
==================================
A Golfer has been slicing off the tee on every hole. He asks his Irish
caddy if he has noticed any obvious reasons for his poor tee shots, to
which the caddy replies: "Aye, there's a piece of shite on the end of
your driver". The Golfer picks up his driver and cleans the club face,
at which point the caddy says: "No, the other end."
==================================
A man traveling by plane was in urgent need of a restroom facility. But
each time he tried, it was occupied. The flight attendant, aware of his
predicament, suggested he use the attendant's ladies room, but cautioned
him not to press any of the buttons. There next to the paper roll were
four buttons marked WW, WA, PP and ATR.
Making the mistake so many men make of not listening to a woman, he
disregarded what she said when his curiosity got the best of him. He
carefully pressed the WW button and immediately a gentle flush of Warm
Water sprayed on his bare bottom. He thought "Wow, these gals really
have it nice."
A little more boldly he then pressed the WA button and body temperature
Warm Air blew across his wet bottom and dried it comfortably. "Aha!" he
thought "No wonder these women take so long in the bathroom with these
kinds of services." So he pushed the next button PP with anticipation. A
soft disposable Powder Puff swung below him and dusted his bottom
lightly with talc. "Man this is great" he thought as he reached out for
the ATR button.
When he awoke in the hospital, the morphine was just wearing off.
Confused, he buzzed the nurse to find out what happened. He explained
the last thing he remembered was intense pain in the ladies room on the
plane. The nurse explained, "Yes, you must have been having a great time
until you pushed the Automatic Tampon Removal button. By the way, your
penis is under your pillow."
==================================
Man said to wife: "Alright you sexy thing, bedroom now!" She looked at
him and said "Ooh, you kinky *******." He said "No, seriously, the
footy's about to start... **** off!"
==================================
A jumbo jet is just coming into the airport on its final approach. The
pilot comes on the intercom "This is your Captain. We're on our final
descent. I want to thank you for flying with us today and I hope you
enjoy your stay".
Then he forgot to switch off the intercom. Now the whole plane can hear
his conversation from the cockpit. The co-pilot says to the pilot, "So
skipper, watcha gonna do while we're in town?"
"Well," says the captain, "first I'm gonna check into the hotel and take
a big crap... then I'm gonna take that new stewardess with the huge tits
out for dinner... then I'm gonna wine and dine her, take her back to my
room and **** her brains out."
Everyone on the plane hears this and immediately begins looking up and
down the aisle trying to figure out which one is the new stewardess.
Meanwhile that new stewardess is at the very back of the plane. She's so
embarrassed that she starts to run to try and get to the cockpit to turn
the intercom off.
Halfway down the aisle, she trips over an old lady's bag and down she
goes. The old lady leans over and says "No need to hurry, dear. He's
gotta take a **** first!"
=========
A young man was showing off his new sports car to his girlfriend. She
was thrilled at the speed. "If I do 200mph, will you take off your
clothes?" he asked. "Yes!" said his adventurous girlfriend.
And as he gets up to 200, she peeled off all her clothes.
Unable to keep his eyes on the road, the car skidded onto some gravel
and flipped over. The naked girl was thrown clear, but he was jammed
beneath the steering wheel.
"Go and get help!" he cried. "But I can't. I'm naked and my clothes are
gone!" "Take my shoe and cover yourself!" he said.
Holding the shoe over her vajayjay, the girl ran down the road and found
a service station. Still holding the shoe between her legs, she pleaded
to the service station proprietor, "Please help me! My boyfriend's
stuck!" The proprietor looked at the shoe and said, "There's nothing I
can do... he's in too far."
=================================
Little Johnny was walking down the sidewalk one day and an old man was
sitting on his front porch rocking back and forth in his rocking chair.
The old man said "Whatcha got there son?"
Johnny said "Got me some chicken wire". "Whatcha gonna do with that
chicken wire son?" asked the old man. "Gonna catch me some chickens!"
said Johnny. "You can't catch chickens with chicken wire!" said the
oldster. Johnny just shrugged his shoulders and walked on down the
street. About a half hour later Johnny came back passing the old man's
front porch... with 3 chickens entangled in the chicken wire! The old
man was shocked and couldn't believe his eyes.
About a half hour later, Johnny was again walking past the old man's
porch. "Whatcha got now son?" "Got me some duct tape". "And whatcha
gonna do with that duct tape?" the old man asked. "Gonna catch me some
ducks!" "You can't catch ducks with duct tape!" said the old man. Johnny
just shrugged his shoulders and kept on walking.
About a half hour later, back comes Johnny with 3 ducks tangled in the
duct tape. Again, the old man rubbed his eyes in disbelief.
About a half hour later, Johnny again was passing the porch. "Whatcha
got now son?" asked the old man. Johnny said "Got me some ***** willow".
The old man said "WAIT RIGHT THERE WHILE I GET MY SHOES!"
=================================
The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum
cleaner.
**** me, talk about Dyson with death!
=================================
An elderly couple were watching a Discovery Channel special about a West
African bush tribe whose men all had penises 24 inches long. When the
black male reaches a certain age, a string is tied around his penis and
on the other end is a weight. After a while, the weight stretches the
penis to 24 inches.
Later that evening as the husband was getting out of the shower, his
wife looked at him and said, "How about we try the African
string-and-weight procedure?" The husband agreed and they tied a string
and a weight to his penis. A few days later, the wife asked the husband,
"How is our little tribal experiment coming along?"
"Well, it looks like we're about half way there," he replied. "Wow, you
mean it's grown to 12 inches?" "No, it's turned black."
==================================
A Golfer has been slicing off the tee on every hole. He asks his Irish
caddy if he has noticed any obvious reasons for his poor tee shots, to
which the caddy replies: "Aye, there's a piece of shite on the end of
your driver". The Golfer picks up his driver and cleans the club face,
at which point the caddy says: "No, the other end."
==================================
A man traveling by plane was in urgent need of a restroom facility. But
each time he tried, it was occupied. The flight attendant, aware of his
predicament, suggested he use the attendant's ladies room, but cautioned
him not to press any of the buttons. There next to the paper roll were
four buttons marked WW, WA, PP and ATR.
Making the mistake so many men make of not listening to a woman, he
disregarded what she said when his curiosity got the best of him. He
carefully pressed the WW button and immediately a gentle flush of Warm
Water sprayed on his bare bottom. He thought "Wow, these gals really
have it nice."
A little more boldly he then pressed the WA button and body temperature
Warm Air blew across his wet bottom and dried it comfortably. "Aha!" he
thought "No wonder these women take so long in the bathroom with these
kinds of services." So he pushed the next button PP with anticipation. A
soft disposable Powder Puff swung below him and dusted his bottom
lightly with talc. "Man this is great" he thought as he reached out for
the ATR button.
When he awoke in the hospital, the morphine was just wearing off.
Confused, he buzzed the nurse to find out what happened. He explained
the last thing he remembered was intense pain in the ladies room on the
plane. The nurse explained, "Yes, you must have been having a great time
until you pushed the Automatic Tampon Removal button. By the way, your
penis is under your pillow."
==================================
Man said to wife: "Alright you sexy thing, bedroom now!" She looked at
him and said "Ooh, you kinky *******." He said "No, seriously, the
footy's about to start... **** off!"
==================================
A jumbo jet is just coming into the airport on its final approach. The
pilot comes on the intercom "This is your Captain. We're on our final
descent. I want to thank you for flying with us today and I hope you
enjoy your stay".
Then he forgot to switch off the intercom. Now the whole plane can hear
his conversation from the cockpit. The co-pilot says to the pilot, "So
skipper, watcha gonna do while we're in town?"
"Well," says the captain, "first I'm gonna check into the hotel and take
a big crap... then I'm gonna take that new stewardess with the huge tits
out for dinner... then I'm gonna wine and dine her, take her back to my
room and **** her brains out."
Everyone on the plane hears this and immediately begins looking up and
down the aisle trying to figure out which one is the new stewardess.
Meanwhile that new stewardess is at the very back of the plane. She's so
embarrassed that she starts to run to try and get to the cockpit to turn
the intercom off.
Halfway down the aisle, she trips over an old lady's bag and down she
goes. The old lady leans over and says "No need to hurry, dear. He's
gotta take a **** first!"
=========
Making the right decision
Choosing a wife
A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.
The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new makeup; buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.
The man was impressed.
The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much..
Again, the man is impressed.
The third invests the money in the stock market She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.
Obviously, the man was impressed.
The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.
Then he married the one with the biggest tits.
Men are like that, you know.
And on another note!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.
Choosing a wife
A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.
The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new makeup; buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.
The man was impressed.
The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much..
Again, the man is impressed.
The third invests the money in the stock market She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.
Obviously, the man was impressed.
The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.
Then he married the one with the biggest tits.
Men are like that, you know.
And on another note!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.
Blood transfusion alert
MEDICAL UPDATE
Remember this the next time you have major surgery and need a blood transfusion! This is good to know.
Australian Medical Association researchers have found that patients needing blood transfusions may benefit from receiving Chicken blood rather than human blood.
It tends to make the men cocky and the women lay better.
Just thought you'd like to know.
MEDICAL UPDATE
Remember this the next time you have major surgery and need a blood transfusion! This is good to know.
Australian Medical Association researchers have found that patients needing blood transfusions may benefit from receiving Chicken blood rather than human blood.
It tends to make the men cocky and the women lay better.
Just thought you'd like to know.
Scouser joke time for a change !!
A Primary Teacher explains to her class that she is a Liverpool fan. She asks her students to raise their hands if they too are Liverpool fans.
Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl.
The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says, 'Mary, why didn't you raise your hand?'
'Because I'm not a Liverpool fan,' she replied.
The teacher, still shocked, asks, 'Well, if you are not a Liverpool fan, then who are you a fan of?'
'I am a Chelsea fan, and proud of it,' Mary replied.
The teacher could not believe her ears. 'Mary, why pray tell, are you a Chelsea fan?'
'Because my mum is a Chelsea fan, and my dad is a Chelsea fan, so I'm a Chelsea fan too!'
'Well,' said the teacher in an obviously annoyed tone, 'that is no reason for you to be a Chelsea fan. You don't have to be just like your parents all of the time... What if your mum was a prostitute and your dad was a drug addict, what would you be then?'
Mary smiled, 'Then I'd be a Liverpool fan'.
An Australian, an Irishman and a Scouser are in a bar. They're staring at another man sitting on his own at a table in the corner. He's so familiar, and not recognising him is driving them mad. They stare and stare, until suddenly the Irishman twigs: 'My God, it's Jesus!' Sure enough, it is Jesus, nursing a pint. Thrilled, they send him over a pint of Guinness, a pint of Fosters and a pint of bitter. Jesus accepts the drinks, smiles over at the three men, and drinks the pints slowly, one after another. After he's finished the drinks, Jesus approaches the trio. He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for the Guinness. When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement: 'My God! The arthritis I've had for 30 years is gone. It's a miracle!' Jesus then shakes the Aussie's hand, thanking him for the lager. As he lets go, the man's eyes widen in shock. 'Strewth mate, the bad back I've had all my life is completely gone! It's a Miracle.' Jesus then approaches the Scouser who says, 'Back off, mate, I'm on disability benefit.
A scouser walked into the local job centre, marched straight up to the Counter and said 'Hi, I'm looking for a job'.
The man behind the counter replied 'Your timing is amazing.
We've just got one in from a very wealthy man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac twin daughters. You'll have to drive around in a big black Mercedes and wear the uniform provided. The hours are a bit long but the meals are provided. You also have to escort the young ladies on their overseas holidays. The Salary package is £200,000 a year'. The Scouser said 'You're bullshitting me!' The man behind the counter said 'Well you started it!
Police cordoned off Liverpool City Centre this morning when a suspicious object was discovered in a car. It later turned out to be a tax disk.
A Primary Teacher explains to her class that she is a Liverpool fan. She asks her students to raise their hands if they too are Liverpool fans.
Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl.
The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says, 'Mary, why didn't you raise your hand?'
'Because I'm not a Liverpool fan,' she replied.
The teacher, still shocked, asks, 'Well, if you are not a Liverpool fan, then who are you a fan of?'
'I am a Chelsea fan, and proud of it,' Mary replied.
The teacher could not believe her ears. 'Mary, why pray tell, are you a Chelsea fan?'
'Because my mum is a Chelsea fan, and my dad is a Chelsea fan, so I'm a Chelsea fan too!'
'Well,' said the teacher in an obviously annoyed tone, 'that is no reason for you to be a Chelsea fan. You don't have to be just like your parents all of the time... What if your mum was a prostitute and your dad was a drug addict, what would you be then?'
Mary smiled, 'Then I'd be a Liverpool fan'.
An Australian, an Irishman and a Scouser are in a bar. They're staring at another man sitting on his own at a table in the corner. He's so familiar, and not recognising him is driving them mad. They stare and stare, until suddenly the Irishman twigs: 'My God, it's Jesus!' Sure enough, it is Jesus, nursing a pint. Thrilled, they send him over a pint of Guinness, a pint of Fosters and a pint of bitter. Jesus accepts the drinks, smiles over at the three men, and drinks the pints slowly, one after another. After he's finished the drinks, Jesus approaches the trio. He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for the Guinness. When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement: 'My God! The arthritis I've had for 30 years is gone. It's a miracle!' Jesus then shakes the Aussie's hand, thanking him for the lager. As he lets go, the man's eyes widen in shock. 'Strewth mate, the bad back I've had all my life is completely gone! It's a Miracle.' Jesus then approaches the Scouser who says, 'Back off, mate, I'm on disability benefit.
A scouser walked into the local job centre, marched straight up to the Counter and said 'Hi, I'm looking for a job'.
The man behind the counter replied 'Your timing is amazing.
We've just got one in from a very wealthy man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac twin daughters. You'll have to drive around in a big black Mercedes and wear the uniform provided. The hours are a bit long but the meals are provided. You also have to escort the young ladies on their overseas holidays. The Salary package is £200,000 a year'. The Scouser said 'You're bullshitting me!' The man behind the counter said 'Well you started it!
Police cordoned off Liverpool City Centre this morning when a suspicious object was discovered in a car. It later turned out to be a tax disk.
How to start a fight
One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift...
The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied,
"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
That's how the fight really started.
________________________________
My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have sex?'
'No,' she answered.
I then said,'Is that your final answer?'
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's how the fight really started.
________________________________
I took my wife to a restaurant.
The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."
That's how the fight really started.
_______________________________
My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes", she sighed,
"He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober
since."
"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
And then the fight started...
________________________________
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed,
the boat, making beer.. Always something more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched
silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
______________________________
My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, "What's on TV?"
I said, "Dust."
That's how the fight really started. ________________________________
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 165 in about 2 seconds."
I bought her a bathroom scale.
~ That's how the fight really started.
______________________________
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home
and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped your
pants. You might have gotten disability too.'
That's how the fight really started. ________________________________
My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,
"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."
and then, That's how the fight really started.
________________________________
I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day!
The driver got out of the other car, and
he was a DWARF!!
He looked up at me and said
'I am NOT Happy!'
So I said,
'Well, which one ARE you then?'
============
One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift...
The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied,
"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
That's how the fight really started.
________________________________
My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have sex?'
'No,' she answered.
I then said,'Is that your final answer?'
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's how the fight really started.
________________________________
I took my wife to a restaurant.
The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."
That's how the fight really started.
_______________________________
My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes", she sighed,
"He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober
since."
"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
And then the fight started...
________________________________
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed,
the boat, making beer.. Always something more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched
silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
______________________________
My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, "What's on TV?"
I said, "Dust."
That's how the fight really started. ________________________________
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 165 in about 2 seconds."
I bought her a bathroom scale.
~ That's how the fight really started.
______________________________
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home
and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped your
pants. You might have gotten disability too.'
That's how the fight really started. ________________________________
My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,
"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."
and then, That's how the fight really started.
________________________________
I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day!
The driver got out of the other car, and
he was a DWARF!!
He looked up at me and said
'I am NOT Happy!'
So I said,
'Well, which one ARE you then?'
============
One night a little girl walks in on her parents having sex. The mother is going up and down on the father and when she sees her daughter looking at them she immediately stops.
“What are you doing, Mommy?”
The mother too embarassed to tell her little girl about sex so she makes up an answer.
“Well, sweetie, sometimes daddy’s tummy gets too big so I have to jump up and down on it to flatten it out.”
The little girl replies, “Well, mommy you really shouldn’t bother with that.”
The mother has a confused look on her face, “Why do you say that sweetheart?”
The little girl replies, “Because mommy, everytime you leave in the morning, the lady next door comes over and blows it back up.”
==========================
Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven, where St. Peter meets them at the Pearly Gates.
Since they’ve all led exemplary lives, he lets each say any woman’s name and she’ll go back to Earth for six months as that person.
“Sophia Loren,” says the first nun - and poof, she disappears.
“Madonna,” says the second nun, and she disappears, too.
“Sara Piplini,” says the third nun. “Who’s that?” asks St. Peter.
The nun hands him a newspaper clipping.
He reads and says, “I’m sorry, sister, but you’ve got it all wrong. It’s the Sahara Pipeline that was laid by 1,400 men in six months.”
“What are you doing, Mommy?”
The mother too embarassed to tell her little girl about sex so she makes up an answer.
“Well, sweetie, sometimes daddy’s tummy gets too big so I have to jump up and down on it to flatten it out.”
The little girl replies, “Well, mommy you really shouldn’t bother with that.”
The mother has a confused look on her face, “Why do you say that sweetheart?”
The little girl replies, “Because mommy, everytime you leave in the morning, the lady next door comes over and blows it back up.”
==========================
Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven, where St. Peter meets them at the Pearly Gates.
Since they’ve all led exemplary lives, he lets each say any woman’s name and she’ll go back to Earth for six months as that person.
“Sophia Loren,” says the first nun - and poof, she disappears.
“Madonna,” says the second nun, and she disappears, too.
“Sara Piplini,” says the third nun. “Who’s that?” asks St. Peter.
The nun hands him a newspaper clipping.
He reads and says, “I’m sorry, sister, but you’ve got it all wrong. It’s the Sahara Pipeline that was laid by 1,400 men in six months.”
Many a true word spoken in jest
All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who
was in charge.
"I should be in charge", said the brain, "because I run all the body's
systems, so without me nothing would happen".
"I should be in charge", said the blood, "because I circulate oxygen all
over, so without me you'd all waste away".
"I should be in charge", said the stomach, "because I process food and
give all of your energy".
"We should be in charge" said the legs, "because we carry the body
wherever it needs to go."
"We should be in charge" said the eyes, "because we allow the body to
see where it goes."
"We should be in charge" said the feet, "because without us you wouldn't
be able to stand up."
After some debate the arsehole piped up and said, "I should be in charge
because I'm responsible for waste removal". All the other body parts
laughed at the arsehole and insulted him so much he got in a huff,
refused to work any more and shut down tight. Within a few days, the
brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, the legs got
wobbly, the eyes watered, the feet got the cramps, and the blood was
toxic. So they all reluctantly decided that the arsehole should be in
charge.
The moral of the story? You don't have to be important to be the boss...
just an arsehole.
All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who
was in charge.
"I should be in charge", said the brain, "because I run all the body's
systems, so without me nothing would happen".
"I should be in charge", said the blood, "because I circulate oxygen all
over, so without me you'd all waste away".
"I should be in charge", said the stomach, "because I process food and
give all of your energy".
"We should be in charge" said the legs, "because we carry the body
wherever it needs to go."
"We should be in charge" said the eyes, "because we allow the body to
see where it goes."
"We should be in charge" said the feet, "because without us you wouldn't
be able to stand up."
After some debate the arsehole piped up and said, "I should be in charge
because I'm responsible for waste removal". All the other body parts
laughed at the arsehole and insulted him so much he got in a huff,
refused to work any more and shut down tight. Within a few days, the
brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, the legs got
wobbly, the eyes watered, the feet got the cramps, and the blood was
toxic. So they all reluctantly decided that the arsehole should be in
charge.
The moral of the story? You don't have to be important to be the boss...
just an arsehole.
as always good laughs Collin keep em coming fella Wedding night blues
A guy, on his wedding night is about to get it on with his newly wed for
the first time in their hotel.
They start to undress and he says, "God, I never realized that your tits
were this small."
The wife gets all upset and understandably throws him out.
While he is sitting in the hall another guy comes out down the hall. The
first man said, "Hey, What happened?"
"Well, I saw my wife naked for the first time tonight and all I said
was, 'Oh I never knew your arse was that big.' and she just threw me out
just like that.
Just then a third guy also on his wedding night like the first two guys,
comes storming out into the hall.
"Hey, did you put your foot in it as well?" ask the two men already outside.
"No," says the third guy, "but I bloody well could have."
A guy, on his wedding night is about to get it on with his newly wed for
the first time in their hotel.
They start to undress and he says, "God, I never realized that your tits
were this small."
The wife gets all upset and understandably throws him out.
While he is sitting in the hall another guy comes out down the hall. The
first man said, "Hey, What happened?"
"Well, I saw my wife naked for the first time tonight and all I said
was, 'Oh I never knew your arse was that big.' and she just threw me out
just like that.
Just then a third guy also on his wedding night like the first two guys,
comes storming out into the hall.
"Hey, did you put your foot in it as well?" ask the two men already outside.
"No," says the third guy, "but I bloody well could have."
3 more
A Matter of Timing --- A cop was patrolling at night in a well known
area for 'parking'. He saw a couple in a car, with the interior light
on. He got closer to the car and saw a young man behind the wheel,
reading a computer magazine and a young woman on the rear seat,
knitting. Puzzled by this surprising situation, the cop walked over to
the car and knocked on the window.
"Yes, officer?"
"What are you doing?"
"Well, isn't it obvious? I'm reading a magazine."
Pointing to the young woman, the cop asked, "And her, what is she
doing?"
The young man shrugged, "I believe she's knitting a pullover."
The cop was totally confused. A young couple alone in a car at night and
nothing obscene is happening! "What's your age, young man?"
" I'm 22, sir."
"And her, what's her age?
The young man looks at his watch and said, "She'll be 18 in 20 minutes."
The only cow in a small town in Ireland stopped giving milk. Then the
town folk found they could buy a cow in Wales quite cheaply. So, they
brought the cow over from Wales. It was absolutely wonderful, it
produced lots of milk every day and everyone was happy. They bought a
bull to mate with the cow to get more cows, so they'd never have to
worry about their milk supply again.
They put the bull in the pasture with the cow but whenever the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away.
No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move
away from the bull, and he was never able to do the deed. The people
were very upset and decided to go to the Vet, who was very wise, tell
him what was happening and ask his advice.
"Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. If he attempts it from the one side, she walks away to the other side."
The Vet rubbed his chin thoughtfully and pondered this before asking, "Did
you by chance, buy this cow in Wales?"
The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned that they had brought the cow over from Wales.
"You are truly a wise Vet," they said. "How did you know we got
the cow from Wales?
The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye: "My wife is from Wales"
A woman asks her husband at breakfast time, "Would you like some bacon
and eggs, a slice of toast, and maybe some grapefruit juice and coffee?"
He declines. “Thanks for asking, but, I'm not hungry right now. It's
this Viagra," he says. "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."
At lunchtime, she asks him if he'd like something. "How about a bowl of
soup, homemade muffins, or a cheese sandwich?" He declines. "The
Viagra," he says, "really trashes my desire for food."
Come dinner time,
she asks if he wants anything to eat. "Would you like a juicy rib eye
steak and some scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a rotisserie chicken or
tasty stir fry?" He declines again. "No," he says, "it's got to be the
Viagra. I'm still not hungry."
"Well," she says, "Would you mind letting me up? I'm starving."
A Matter of Timing --- A cop was patrolling at night in a well known
area for 'parking'. He saw a couple in a car, with the interior light
on. He got closer to the car and saw a young man behind the wheel,
reading a computer magazine and a young woman on the rear seat,
knitting. Puzzled by this surprising situation, the cop walked over to
the car and knocked on the window.
"Yes, officer?"
"What are you doing?"
"Well, isn't it obvious? I'm reading a magazine."
Pointing to the young woman, the cop asked, "And her, what is she
doing?"
The young man shrugged, "I believe she's knitting a pullover."
The cop was totally confused. A young couple alone in a car at night and
nothing obscene is happening! "What's your age, young man?"
" I'm 22, sir."
"And her, what's her age?
The young man looks at his watch and said, "She'll be 18 in 20 minutes."
The only cow in a small town in Ireland stopped giving milk. Then the
town folk found they could buy a cow in Wales quite cheaply. So, they
brought the cow over from Wales. It was absolutely wonderful, it
produced lots of milk every day and everyone was happy. They bought a
bull to mate with the cow to get more cows, so they'd never have to
worry about their milk supply again.
They put the bull in the pasture with the cow but whenever the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away.
No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move
away from the bull, and he was never able to do the deed. The people
were very upset and decided to go to the Vet, who was very wise, tell
him what was happening and ask his advice.
"Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. If he attempts it from the one side, she walks away to the other side."
The Vet rubbed his chin thoughtfully and pondered this before asking, "Did
you by chance, buy this cow in Wales?"
The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned that they had brought the cow over from Wales.
"You are truly a wise Vet," they said. "How did you know we got
the cow from Wales?
The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye: "My wife is from Wales"
A woman asks her husband at breakfast time, "Would you like some bacon
and eggs, a slice of toast, and maybe some grapefruit juice and coffee?"
He declines. “Thanks for asking, but, I'm not hungry right now. It's
this Viagra," he says. "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."
At lunchtime, she asks him if he'd like something. "How about a bowl of
soup, homemade muffins, or a cheese sandwich?" He declines. "The
Viagra," he says, "really trashes my desire for food."
Come dinner time,
she asks if he wants anything to eat. "Would you like a juicy rib eye
steak and some scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a rotisserie chicken or
tasty stir fry?" He declines again. "No," he says, "it's got to be the
Viagra. I'm still not hungry."
"Well," she says, "Would you mind letting me up? I'm starving."
Ha ha good ones mate.
thought you'd like Andy. Hope all well .My mate at Seat dealer in Dover went to Millbrook yesterday with a lot of other Seat dealers .Had a great day testing all the Seats ,and of course best fun in the Cupra (manual) went like the clappers
I just wish I was good at telling jokes
It's easy putting them on here.tc
C
Funny Tombstones From Long Ago...
Each generation probably thinks it's the funniest, and sure enough the people of the past can't get up and speak for themselves, so they'll just let their tombstones do the humoring, because there are Some fascinating things on old tombstones!
Harry Edsel Smith of Albany, New York:
Born 1903--Died 1942.
Looked up the elevator shaft to see if the
car was on the way down. It was.
=============================
In a Thurmont, Maryland, cemetery:
Here lies an Atheist, all dressed up
and no place to go.
=============================
On the grave of Ezekial Aikle in
East Dalhousie Cemetery, Nova Scotia:
Here lies Ezekial Aikle, Age 102.
Only the good die young.
=============================
In a London, England cemetery:
Here lies Ann Mann, who lived an old maid
but died an old Mann. Dec. 8, 1767
=============================
In a Ribbesford, England, cemetery:
Anna Wallace
The children of Israel wanted bread,
and the Lord sent them manna.
Clark Wallace wanted a wife,
and the Devil sent him Anna.
===============================
In a Ruidoso, New Mexico, cemetery:
Here lies Johnny Yeast.
Pardon him for not rising.
===============================
In a Uniontown, Pennsylvania, cemetery:
Here lies the body of Jonathan Blake,
stepped on the gas instead of the brake.
==============================
In a Silver City, Nevada, cemetery:
Here lays The Kid, we planted him raw.
He was quick on the trigger, but slow on the draw.
================================
A lawyer's epitaph in England:
Sir John Strange.
Here lies an honest lawyer, and that is Strange.
=================================
John Penny's epitaph in the Wimborne,
England, cemetery:
Reader, if cash thou art in want of any,
dig 6 feet deep and thou wilt find a Penny.
==================================
In a cemetery in Hartscombe, England:
On the 22nd of June, Jonathan Fiddle went out of tune.
==================================
Anna Hopewell's grave in Enosburg Falls ,
Vermont:
Here lies the body of our Anna,
done to death by a banana.
It wasn't the fruit that laid her low,
but the skin of the thing that made her go.
==================================
On a grave from the 1880s in Nantucket,
Massachusetts:
Under the sod and under the trees,
Lies the body of Jonathan Pease.
He is not here, there's only the pod,
Pease shelled out and went to God.
==================================
In a cemetery in England:
Remember man, as you walk by,
as you are now, so once was I.
As I am now, so shall you be,
remember this and follow me.
To which someone replied by writing on the tombstone:
To follow you I'll not consent,
until I know which way you went.
Each generation probably thinks it's the funniest, and sure enough the people of the past can't get up and speak for themselves, so they'll just let their tombstones do the humoring, because there are Some fascinating things on old tombstones!
Harry Edsel Smith of Albany, New York:
Born 1903--Died 1942.
Looked up the elevator shaft to see if the
car was on the way down. It was.
=============================
In a Thurmont, Maryland, cemetery:
Here lies an Atheist, all dressed up
and no place to go.
=============================
On the grave of Ezekial Aikle in
East Dalhousie Cemetery, Nova Scotia:
Here lies Ezekial Aikle, Age 102.
Only the good die young.
=============================
In a London, England cemetery:
Here lies Ann Mann, who lived an old maid
but died an old Mann. Dec. 8, 1767
=============================
In a Ribbesford, England, cemetery:
Anna Wallace
The children of Israel wanted bread,
and the Lord sent them manna.
Clark Wallace wanted a wife,
and the Devil sent him Anna.
===============================
In a Ruidoso, New Mexico, cemetery:
Here lies Johnny Yeast.
Pardon him for not rising.
===============================
In a Uniontown, Pennsylvania, cemetery:
Here lies the body of Jonathan Blake,
stepped on the gas instead of the brake.
==============================
In a Silver City, Nevada, cemetery:
Here lays The Kid, we planted him raw.
He was quick on the trigger, but slow on the draw.
================================
A lawyer's epitaph in England:
Sir John Strange.
Here lies an honest lawyer, and that is Strange.
=================================
John Penny's epitaph in the Wimborne,
England, cemetery:
Reader, if cash thou art in want of any,
dig 6 feet deep and thou wilt find a Penny.
==================================
In a cemetery in Hartscombe, England:
On the 22nd of June, Jonathan Fiddle went out of tune.
==================================
Anna Hopewell's grave in Enosburg Falls ,
Vermont:
Here lies the body of our Anna,
done to death by a banana.
It wasn't the fruit that laid her low,
but the skin of the thing that made her go.
==================================
On a grave from the 1880s in Nantucket,
Massachusetts:
Under the sod and under the trees,
Lies the body of Jonathan Pease.
He is not here, there's only the pod,
Pease shelled out and went to God.
==================================
In a cemetery in England:
Remember man, as you walk by,
as you are now, so once was I.
As I am now, so shall you be,
remember this and follow me.
To which someone replied by writing on the tombstone:
To follow you I'll not consent,
until I know which way you went.
A large woman, wearing a sleeveless sun dress, walked into a bar in Dublin.
She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit and, as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar she asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?"
The bar went silent as patrons tried to ignore her. But down at the end of the bar, an owly-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed, "Give the ballerina a drink!" The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down.
She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the same hairy armpit, and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?"
Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said, "Give the ballerina another drink!"
The bartender approached the little drunk and said, "Tell me, Paddy, it's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her the ballerina?"
The drunk replied, "Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina!"
She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit and, as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar she asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?"
The bar went silent as patrons tried to ignore her. But down at the end of the bar, an owly-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed, "Give the ballerina a drink!" The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down.
She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the same hairy armpit, and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?"
Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said, "Give the ballerina another drink!"
The bartender approached the little drunk and said, "Tell me, Paddy, it's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her the ballerina?"
The drunk replied, "Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina!"
Sex on Mars
The year is 2222 and Charlie and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating enough Frequent Flier miles.
They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things.
Charlie asks if Mars has a stock market, if they have laptop computers, how they make money, do they have golf courses, etc.
Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of sex.
'Just how do you guys do it?' asks Maureen.
The Martian responds, 'Pretty much the way you do.'
A discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another...
Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips.
He's got only a teeny, weenie member about half an inch long and just a
quarter-inch thick.
'I don't think this is going to work,' says Maureen.
'Why?' he asks. 'What's the matter?'
'Well,' she replies, 'it's just not long enough to reach me!'
'No problem,' he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm.
With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it's quite
impressively long.
'Well,' she says, 'that's quite impressive, but it is still narrow.'
'No problem,' he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull, his
member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely
exciting to the woman.
'Wow!' she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad passionate love.
The next day the couples rejoin their other partners and go their separate
ways. As they walked along, Charlie asks, 'Well, was it any good?'
'I hate to say it,' says Maureen, 'but it was wonderful. How about you?'
'It was horrible,' he replies. 'All I got was a headache ... She kept
slapping my forehead and pulling my ears..'
The year is 2222 and Charlie and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating enough Frequent Flier miles.
They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things.
Charlie asks if Mars has a stock market, if they have laptop computers, how they make money, do they have golf courses, etc.
Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of sex.
'Just how do you guys do it?' asks Maureen.
The Martian responds, 'Pretty much the way you do.'
A discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another...
Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips.
He's got only a teeny, weenie member about half an inch long and just a
quarter-inch thick.
'I don't think this is going to work,' says Maureen.
'Why?' he asks. 'What's the matter?'
'Well,' she replies, 'it's just not long enough to reach me!'
'No problem,' he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm.
With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it's quite
impressively long.
'Well,' she says, 'that's quite impressive, but it is still narrow.'
'No problem,' he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull, his
member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely
exciting to the woman.
'Wow!' she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad passionate love.
The next day the couples rejoin their other partners and go their separate
ways. As they walked along, Charlie asks, 'Well, was it any good?'
'I hate to say it,' says Maureen, 'but it was wonderful. How about you?'
'It was horrible,' he replies. 'All I got was a headache ... She kept
slapping my forehead and pulling my ears..'
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