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- Thread starter colsy
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Sixty minutes was doing a feature on the wailing wall and it decided to interview a Jewish guy who was praying and in the process rocking his head back and forth into the wall.
Reporter: What are you doing?
Jewish guy: I am praying for peace between children and parents, neighbours and neighbours, mothers in law and daughters in law, Palestinians and Jews.
Reporter: How long have you been doing this?
Jewish guy: About 45 years
Reporter: What does it feel like?
Jewish guy: It's like hitting your head against a ******* brick wall.
=================================
The difference in a woman in church and a woman in bathtub?
Woman in church has hope in her soul.
=================================
Difference in a rooster and a lawyer?
The rooster clucks defiant.
=================================
Difference in a cheerleader and a bowling ball?
You can only get three fingers in a bowling ball.
=================================
The elderly Italian man went to his parish priest and asked if the priest would hear his confession. "Of course, my son," said the priest. "Well, Father, at the beginning of World War Two, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans; I hid her in my attic, and they never found her." "That's a wonderful thing, my son, and nothing that you need to confess," said the priest. "It's worse, Father; I was weak, and told her that she had to pay for rent of the attic with her sexual favors," continued the old man. "Well, it was a very difficult time, and you took a large risk -you would have suffered terribly at their hands if the Germans had found you hiding her; I know that God, in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and the evil, and judge you kindly," said the priest. "Thanks, Father," said the old man. "That's a load off of my mind. Can I ask another question?" "Of course, my son," said the priest. The old man asked, "Do I need to tell her that the war is over?".
==================================
Two Men were out fishing when one decides to have a smoke He asks the other guy if he has a lighter He replies "Yes I do!" and hands the other a 10 inch long BIC lighter Surprised the guy asks "Where did you get this?" The guy replies "Oh I have a personal genie."
The first man asks "Can I make a wish?
" Sure says the other man "Just make sure that you speak clearly cause he is a little hard at hearing"
"Ok I will" says the other as he rubs the lamp a genie appears and asks the man what he wants The man says " I want a Million Bucks "
The genie says OK and goes back to his bottle and 10 seconds later a million ducks fly over head!
And the guy says to the other " Your genie really sucks at hearing doesn't he?" The other man replies "I know, do you really think I asked for a 10 inch BIC?"
=================================
A young couple took their 7-year-old son on his first trip to the circus. Just as the elephants came parading into the ring, the father got up to get more popcorn and drinks for the family.
The boy excitedly claps his hands, then pauses and asks his mother, "Mom, what's that long thing on the elephant?"
The mother replied, "That's the elephant's trunk, dear."
"No," said the boy, "on the other end. What's that?"
"Oh," said the mother, "that's the elephant's tail."
"No, not his tail. What's that underneath?"
The mother blushes furiously and says, "Umm, it's nothing. Don't worry about it.
Just then, the father returns with the drinks and snacks and the mother goes off to compose herself.
The boy then asks his father the same question, hoping for a more satisfactory answer, "Dad, what's that long thing on the elephant?"
"That's the elephant's trunk, son."
"Dad, I know what the elephant's trunk is, and I know what the elephant's tail is!" exclaims the boy. "What's that down there underneath?"
The father takes a breath, and calmly explains, "That's the elephant's penis, son."
"Oh," says the boy. He thinks for a few seconds, then asks, "Dad, when I asked mom, how come she said it was nothing?"
The father grins and says, "Son, I've spoiled that woman."
==================================
Little Johnny comes home from Sunday school with a black eye. His father sees it and says, "Johnny, how many times do I have to tell you not to fight with the other boys?" "But Dad, it wasn't my fault. We were all in church saying our prayers. We all stood up and my teacher in front of me had her dress in the crack of her butt. I reached over and pulled it out. That's when she hit me!" "Johnny," the father said. "You don't do those kind of things to women." Sure enough, the very next sunday Johnny came home with the other eye black and blue. Johnny's father said, "Johnny, I thought we had a talk!" "But Dad," Johnny said, "It wasn't my fault. There we were in church saying our prayers. We all stood up and my teacher in front of us had her dress in the crack of her butt. Then Louie who was sitting next to me saw it and he reached over and pulled it out. Now I know she doesn't like this, so I pushed it back in!"
===================================
A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in. “Mother, where do babies come from?” The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, “Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug, and have sex.” The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, “That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy’s vagina. That’s how you get a baby, honey.” The child seems to comprehend. “Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy’s penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?” “Jewellery, my dear. Jewellery.”
===================================
Why did I get divorced? Well, last week was my birthday. My wife didn't wish me a happy birthday. My parents forgot and so did my kids. I went to work and even my colleagues didn't wish me a happy birthday. As I entered my office, my secretary said, "Happy birthday, boss!" I felt so special. She asked me out for lunch. After lunch, she invited me to her apartment. We went there and she said, "Do you mind if I go into the bedroom for a minute?" "Okay," I said. She came out 5 minutes later with a birthday cake, my wife, my parents, my kids, my friends, & my colleagues all yelling, "SURPRISE!!!" while I was waiting on the sofa... naked.
===================================
Sarah goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?" Sarah waves her hand, "Me, Miss Rogers, me, me!" Miss Rogers says, "All right, Sarah, what is your multi-syllable word?" Sarah says, "Mas-tur-bate." Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, Sarah, that's a mouthful." Sarah says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob."
Reporter: What are you doing?
Jewish guy: I am praying for peace between children and parents, neighbours and neighbours, mothers in law and daughters in law, Palestinians and Jews.
Reporter: How long have you been doing this?
Jewish guy: About 45 years
Reporter: What does it feel like?
Jewish guy: It's like hitting your head against a ******* brick wall.
=================================
The difference in a woman in church and a woman in bathtub?
Woman in church has hope in her soul.
=================================
Difference in a rooster and a lawyer?
The rooster clucks defiant.
=================================
Difference in a cheerleader and a bowling ball?
You can only get three fingers in a bowling ball.
=================================
The elderly Italian man went to his parish priest and asked if the priest would hear his confession. "Of course, my son," said the priest. "Well, Father, at the beginning of World War Two, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans; I hid her in my attic, and they never found her." "That's a wonderful thing, my son, and nothing that you need to confess," said the priest. "It's worse, Father; I was weak, and told her that she had to pay for rent of the attic with her sexual favors," continued the old man. "Well, it was a very difficult time, and you took a large risk -you would have suffered terribly at their hands if the Germans had found you hiding her; I know that God, in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and the evil, and judge you kindly," said the priest. "Thanks, Father," said the old man. "That's a load off of my mind. Can I ask another question?" "Of course, my son," said the priest. The old man asked, "Do I need to tell her that the war is over?".
==================================
Two Men were out fishing when one decides to have a smoke He asks the other guy if he has a lighter He replies "Yes I do!" and hands the other a 10 inch long BIC lighter Surprised the guy asks "Where did you get this?" The guy replies "Oh I have a personal genie."
The first man asks "Can I make a wish?
" Sure says the other man "Just make sure that you speak clearly cause he is a little hard at hearing"
"Ok I will" says the other as he rubs the lamp a genie appears and asks the man what he wants The man says " I want a Million Bucks "
The genie says OK and goes back to his bottle and 10 seconds later a million ducks fly over head!
And the guy says to the other " Your genie really sucks at hearing doesn't he?" The other man replies "I know, do you really think I asked for a 10 inch BIC?"
=================================
A young couple took their 7-year-old son on his first trip to the circus. Just as the elephants came parading into the ring, the father got up to get more popcorn and drinks for the family.
The boy excitedly claps his hands, then pauses and asks his mother, "Mom, what's that long thing on the elephant?"
The mother replied, "That's the elephant's trunk, dear."
"No," said the boy, "on the other end. What's that?"
"Oh," said the mother, "that's the elephant's tail."
"No, not his tail. What's that underneath?"
The mother blushes furiously and says, "Umm, it's nothing. Don't worry about it.
Just then, the father returns with the drinks and snacks and the mother goes off to compose herself.
The boy then asks his father the same question, hoping for a more satisfactory answer, "Dad, what's that long thing on the elephant?"
"That's the elephant's trunk, son."
"Dad, I know what the elephant's trunk is, and I know what the elephant's tail is!" exclaims the boy. "What's that down there underneath?"
The father takes a breath, and calmly explains, "That's the elephant's penis, son."
"Oh," says the boy. He thinks for a few seconds, then asks, "Dad, when I asked mom, how come she said it was nothing?"
The father grins and says, "Son, I've spoiled that woman."
==================================
Little Johnny comes home from Sunday school with a black eye. His father sees it and says, "Johnny, how many times do I have to tell you not to fight with the other boys?" "But Dad, it wasn't my fault. We were all in church saying our prayers. We all stood up and my teacher in front of me had her dress in the crack of her butt. I reached over and pulled it out. That's when she hit me!" "Johnny," the father said. "You don't do those kind of things to women." Sure enough, the very next sunday Johnny came home with the other eye black and blue. Johnny's father said, "Johnny, I thought we had a talk!" "But Dad," Johnny said, "It wasn't my fault. There we were in church saying our prayers. We all stood up and my teacher in front of us had her dress in the crack of her butt. Then Louie who was sitting next to me saw it and he reached over and pulled it out. Now I know she doesn't like this, so I pushed it back in!"
===================================
A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in. “Mother, where do babies come from?” The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, “Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug, and have sex.” The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, “That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy’s vagina. That’s how you get a baby, honey.” The child seems to comprehend. “Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy’s penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?” “Jewellery, my dear. Jewellery.”
===================================
Why did I get divorced? Well, last week was my birthday. My wife didn't wish me a happy birthday. My parents forgot and so did my kids. I went to work and even my colleagues didn't wish me a happy birthday. As I entered my office, my secretary said, "Happy birthday, boss!" I felt so special. She asked me out for lunch. After lunch, she invited me to her apartment. We went there and she said, "Do you mind if I go into the bedroom for a minute?" "Okay," I said. She came out 5 minutes later with a birthday cake, my wife, my parents, my kids, my friends, & my colleagues all yelling, "SURPRISE!!!" while I was waiting on the sofa... naked.
===================================
Sarah goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?" Sarah waves her hand, "Me, Miss Rogers, me, me!" Miss Rogers says, "All right, Sarah, what is your multi-syllable word?" Sarah says, "Mas-tur-bate." Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, Sarah, that's a mouthful." Sarah says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob."
One day, there were two boys playing by a stream. One of the young boys saw a bush and went over to it. The other boy couldn't figure out why his friend was at the bush for so long. The other boy went over to the bush and looked. The two boys were looking at a woman bathing naked in the stream. All of a sudden, the second boy took off running. The first boy couldn't understand why he ran away, so he took off after his friend. Finally, he caught up to him and asked why he ran away. The boy said to his friend, "My mom told me if I ever saw a naked lady, I would turn to stone, and I felt something getting hard, so I ran."
===================================
A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up
and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane.
He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat.
As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his.
Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out, "Business trip or
pleasure?"
She turned, smiled and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual
Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston ."
He swallowed hard.
Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and
she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs.
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business
role at this convention?"
"Lecturer," she responded.
"I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to
debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."
"Really?" he said.
"And what kind of myths are there?"
"Well, she explained, "One popular myth is that African-American men are the
most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian
who is most likely to possess that trait."
"Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually
it is men of Jewish descent who are the best."
"I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is
the Southern Redneck."
Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry,"
she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don't
even know your name..."
"Tonto," the man said,
"Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba."
==============================
A bus full of Nuns falls of a cliff and they all die. They arrive at the gates of heaven and meet St. Peter. St. Peter says to them “Sisters, welcome to Heaven. In a moment I will let you all though the pearly gates, but before I may do that, I must ask each of you a single question. ”
St. Peter turns to the first Nun in the line and asks her “Sister, have you ever touched a penis?” The Sister Responds “Well… there was this one time… that I kinda sorta… touched one with the tip of my pinky finger…” St. Peter says “Alright Sister, now dip the tip of your pinky finger in the Holy Water, and you may be admitted.” and she did so. St. Peter now turns to the second nun and says “Sister, have you ever touched a penis?” “Well…. There was this one time… that I held one for a moment…” “Alright Sister, now just wash your hands in the Holy Water, and you may be admitted” and she does so. Now at this, there is a noise, a jostling in the line. It seems that one nun is trying to cut in front of another! St. Peter sees this and asks the Nun “Sister Susan, what is this? There is no rush!” Sister Susan responds “Well if I’m going to have to gargle this stuff, I’d rather do it before Sister Mary sticks her ass in it!”
===============================
A traveling ventriloquist was walking through the country and came across a Chinese farmer tending to his animals. The ventriloquist decided to have a little fun, and says to the farmer, "Hey, do any of your animals talk?" The farmer scoffed "Animals no talk... Get out of here."
The ventriloquist pointed to a horse and said "I bet that horse can talk." He threw his voice and made it appear that the horse was talking and said "Of course I can talk! But that farmer's mean - he makes me drag a heavy plow in a hot field all day. Why would I talk to him!"
The Chinese farmer was flabbergasted, but the ventriloquist went on. "And how about that dog? Does he talk?" The farmer shook his head, a bit less certain this time "Dog no talk..."
The ventriloquist threw his voice to the dog and said "Of course I can talk! But that farmer only feeds me scraps and kicks me when he's drunk. Why would I talk to him?"
The farmer is astonished, but the ventriloquist isn't finished yet. "How about that sheep? Do you suppose she can talk, too?"
The farmer was quick to answer "No talk to sheep! Sheep lie!"
=================================
A woman, cranky because her husband was late coming home again, decided to leave a note, saying, "I've had enough and have left you...don't bother coming after me" Then she hid under the bed to see his reaction.
After a short while the husband comes home and she could hear him in the kitchen before he comes into the bedroom. She could see him walk towards the dresser and pick up the note.
After a few minutes he wrote something on it before picking up the phone and calling someone... "She's finally gone...yeah I know, about bloody time, I'm coming to see you, put on that sexy French nightie. I love you...can't wait to see you...we'll do all the naughty things you like."
He hung up, grabbed his keys and left.
She heard the car drive off as she came out from under the bed. Seething with rage and with tears in her eyes she grabbed the note to see what he wrote..."I can see your feet. We're outta bread: be back in five minutes."
=================================
In late October of the year 2066, a 101 year old man is helped back into his seat by an usher in the top of the 9th inning of a World Series game at Wrigley Field in Chicago. It has been 50 years since he last saw his team in the World Series and this time, he thinks, this could be the year. The Cubs are up 3 games to 0 in the best of seven series and they have their ace on the mound. The score is Cubs 7, Angels 1 and the feeling at the ballpark is electric.
As the first pitch is thrown, a perfect strike on the outside black, he can't help but reminisce about what he'd lived through and seen in the last half a century. He'd outlived all of his loved ones, battled cancer, lost a leg, seen the world change dramatically, was a hero and witness to the great disaster of '33 but all of it was about to me made forgettable as his favorite team was on the verge of winning the World Series. He had struggled so greatly in the last remaining years of his life hoping to stay alive long enough to see this moment. He wept.
As joyful tears welled up in his eyes the first 2 of 3 outs were recorded. One out away and he positively knew he could die a content old man. The crowd's jubilation was beginning to swell like an enormous wave crashing on a beach full of sun-baked sand as something appeared in the sky. The game's action came to a halt as a white object appeared directly over the centerfield scoreboard. It got larger and brighter, completely illuminating the sky, and in mere moments he and the entire crowd were witnessing an asteroid screaming towards earth. He was wide-eyed and awestruck as everyone around him began yelling as this cosmic beam of fire and light crashed into the planet destroying it all in one intense flash!
He is standing at the gates of Heaven. The first thing that occurs to him is that he is standing on two legs. The very next thought is, "What happened to the game?!"
An angel gently touches his arm and asks him to enter the gates of heaven telling him he has lived a good, fruitful life. As they begin entering the old man is confused and anxious. All he can manage to utter is, "But, but...."
He is led down a golden path where his life's story is retold and he is informed that God believes he as earned a place in eternity. The old man is full of reservation as a tall angelic figure, clothed in white and beaming with light, approaches. He is introduced as Jesus Christ. Jesus touches his shoulders, hugs him and welcomes him home. As He leaves the embrace a puzzled look appears on His face as the old man is obviously irritated and at a loss for words.
"Usually around here, people are smiling at this point," Jesus says. The old man struggles and cries, "But....but, why? The Game! What happened to the Cubs, Goddamit!?"
Jesus utters a laugh, briefly puts his head down and shakes it before looking up. "Yeah, about that....see, my Dad is a Cardinals fan. He absolutely hates the Cubs."
=======================================
Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine. It's a beautiful day and love is in the air. Marie leans over to Pierre and says, "Pierre, kiss me!"
Pierre grabs a bottle of Merlot and splashes it on Marie's lips. "What are you doing, Pierre?" says the startled Marie. "I am Pierre, the fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I have red wine!"
She smiles and they start kissing. Things began to heat up a little and Marie says, "Pierre, kiss me lower." Our hero tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and pours it on her breasts. "Pierre! What are you doing now?" asks the bewildered Marie. "I am Pierre, the fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I have white wine!"
She giggles and they resume their passionate interlude, and things really steam up. Marie leans close to his ear and whispers, "Pierre, kiss me much lower!" Pierre rips off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and pours it in her lap. He then strikes a match and lights the cognac on fire.
Marie shrieks and dives into the River Seine. Standing waist deep, Marie throws her arms into the air and screams furiously, "PIERRE, WHAT IN THE F#@K DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING?"
Our 'hero' stands and says defiantly, "I am Pierre, the fighter pilot! If I go down, I go down in flames!"
=====================================
===================================
A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up
and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane.
He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat.
As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his.
Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out, "Business trip or
pleasure?"
She turned, smiled and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual
Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston ."
He swallowed hard.
Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and
she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs.
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business
role at this convention?"
"Lecturer," she responded.
"I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to
debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."
"Really?" he said.
"And what kind of myths are there?"
"Well, she explained, "One popular myth is that African-American men are the
most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian
who is most likely to possess that trait."
"Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually
it is men of Jewish descent who are the best."
"I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is
the Southern Redneck."
Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry,"
she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don't
even know your name..."
"Tonto," the man said,
"Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba."
==============================
A bus full of Nuns falls of a cliff and they all die. They arrive at the gates of heaven and meet St. Peter. St. Peter says to them “Sisters, welcome to Heaven. In a moment I will let you all though the pearly gates, but before I may do that, I must ask each of you a single question. ”
St. Peter turns to the first Nun in the line and asks her “Sister, have you ever touched a penis?” The Sister Responds “Well… there was this one time… that I kinda sorta… touched one with the tip of my pinky finger…” St. Peter says “Alright Sister, now dip the tip of your pinky finger in the Holy Water, and you may be admitted.” and she did so. St. Peter now turns to the second nun and says “Sister, have you ever touched a penis?” “Well…. There was this one time… that I held one for a moment…” “Alright Sister, now just wash your hands in the Holy Water, and you may be admitted” and she does so. Now at this, there is a noise, a jostling in the line. It seems that one nun is trying to cut in front of another! St. Peter sees this and asks the Nun “Sister Susan, what is this? There is no rush!” Sister Susan responds “Well if I’m going to have to gargle this stuff, I’d rather do it before Sister Mary sticks her ass in it!”
===============================
A traveling ventriloquist was walking through the country and came across a Chinese farmer tending to his animals. The ventriloquist decided to have a little fun, and says to the farmer, "Hey, do any of your animals talk?" The farmer scoffed "Animals no talk... Get out of here."
The ventriloquist pointed to a horse and said "I bet that horse can talk." He threw his voice and made it appear that the horse was talking and said "Of course I can talk! But that farmer's mean - he makes me drag a heavy plow in a hot field all day. Why would I talk to him!"
The Chinese farmer was flabbergasted, but the ventriloquist went on. "And how about that dog? Does he talk?" The farmer shook his head, a bit less certain this time "Dog no talk..."
The ventriloquist threw his voice to the dog and said "Of course I can talk! But that farmer only feeds me scraps and kicks me when he's drunk. Why would I talk to him?"
The farmer is astonished, but the ventriloquist isn't finished yet. "How about that sheep? Do you suppose she can talk, too?"
The farmer was quick to answer "No talk to sheep! Sheep lie!"
=================================
A woman, cranky because her husband was late coming home again, decided to leave a note, saying, "I've had enough and have left you...don't bother coming after me" Then she hid under the bed to see his reaction.
After a short while the husband comes home and she could hear him in the kitchen before he comes into the bedroom. She could see him walk towards the dresser and pick up the note.
After a few minutes he wrote something on it before picking up the phone and calling someone... "She's finally gone...yeah I know, about bloody time, I'm coming to see you, put on that sexy French nightie. I love you...can't wait to see you...we'll do all the naughty things you like."
He hung up, grabbed his keys and left.
She heard the car drive off as she came out from under the bed. Seething with rage and with tears in her eyes she grabbed the note to see what he wrote..."I can see your feet. We're outta bread: be back in five minutes."
=================================
In late October of the year 2066, a 101 year old man is helped back into his seat by an usher in the top of the 9th inning of a World Series game at Wrigley Field in Chicago. It has been 50 years since he last saw his team in the World Series and this time, he thinks, this could be the year. The Cubs are up 3 games to 0 in the best of seven series and they have their ace on the mound. The score is Cubs 7, Angels 1 and the feeling at the ballpark is electric.
As the first pitch is thrown, a perfect strike on the outside black, he can't help but reminisce about what he'd lived through and seen in the last half a century. He'd outlived all of his loved ones, battled cancer, lost a leg, seen the world change dramatically, was a hero and witness to the great disaster of '33 but all of it was about to me made forgettable as his favorite team was on the verge of winning the World Series. He had struggled so greatly in the last remaining years of his life hoping to stay alive long enough to see this moment. He wept.
As joyful tears welled up in his eyes the first 2 of 3 outs were recorded. One out away and he positively knew he could die a content old man. The crowd's jubilation was beginning to swell like an enormous wave crashing on a beach full of sun-baked sand as something appeared in the sky. The game's action came to a halt as a white object appeared directly over the centerfield scoreboard. It got larger and brighter, completely illuminating the sky, and in mere moments he and the entire crowd were witnessing an asteroid screaming towards earth. He was wide-eyed and awestruck as everyone around him began yelling as this cosmic beam of fire and light crashed into the planet destroying it all in one intense flash!
He is standing at the gates of Heaven. The first thing that occurs to him is that he is standing on two legs. The very next thought is, "What happened to the game?!"
An angel gently touches his arm and asks him to enter the gates of heaven telling him he has lived a good, fruitful life. As they begin entering the old man is confused and anxious. All he can manage to utter is, "But, but...."
He is led down a golden path where his life's story is retold and he is informed that God believes he as earned a place in eternity. The old man is full of reservation as a tall angelic figure, clothed in white and beaming with light, approaches. He is introduced as Jesus Christ. Jesus touches his shoulders, hugs him and welcomes him home. As He leaves the embrace a puzzled look appears on His face as the old man is obviously irritated and at a loss for words.
"Usually around here, people are smiling at this point," Jesus says. The old man struggles and cries, "But....but, why? The Game! What happened to the Cubs, Goddamit!?"
Jesus utters a laugh, briefly puts his head down and shakes it before looking up. "Yeah, about that....see, my Dad is a Cardinals fan. He absolutely hates the Cubs."
=======================================
Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine. It's a beautiful day and love is in the air. Marie leans over to Pierre and says, "Pierre, kiss me!"
Pierre grabs a bottle of Merlot and splashes it on Marie's lips. "What are you doing, Pierre?" says the startled Marie. "I am Pierre, the fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I have red wine!"
She smiles and they start kissing. Things began to heat up a little and Marie says, "Pierre, kiss me lower." Our hero tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and pours it on her breasts. "Pierre! What are you doing now?" asks the bewildered Marie. "I am Pierre, the fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I have white wine!"
She giggles and they resume their passionate interlude, and things really steam up. Marie leans close to his ear and whispers, "Pierre, kiss me much lower!" Pierre rips off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and pours it in her lap. He then strikes a match and lights the cognac on fire.
Marie shrieks and dives into the River Seine. Standing waist deep, Marie throws her arms into the air and screams furiously, "PIERRE, WHAT IN THE F#@K DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING?"
Our 'hero' stands and says defiantly, "I am Pierre, the fighter pilot! If I go down, I go down in flames!"
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