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A few more laughs ....
- Thread starter colsy
- Start date
The guys were all at a deer camp. No one wanted to camp with Bob because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make just one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.
The first guy slept in the tent with Bob and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened to you?
He said, "Bob snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."
The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same thing, hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful!
He said, 'Man, that Bob shakes the roof with his snoring. I watched him all night."
The third night was Martin’s turn. Martin was a tanned, older cowboy, a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "Good morning!" he said.
They couldn't believe it. They said, "Man, what happened?"
He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. Then I went and tucked Bob into bed, patted him on the ass, and kissed him good night. Bob sat up and watched me all night."
The first guy slept in the tent with Bob and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened to you?
He said, "Bob snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."
The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same thing, hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful!
He said, 'Man, that Bob shakes the roof with his snoring. I watched him all night."
The third night was Martin’s turn. Martin was a tanned, older cowboy, a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "Good morning!" he said.
They couldn't believe it. They said, "Man, what happened?"
He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. Then I went and tucked Bob into bed, patted him on the ass, and kissed him good night. Bob sat up and watched me all night."
Twisted sick jokes ! 
=================
A man walks into a library and says to the librarian, “Do you have that book for men with small penises?”
The librarian looks on her computer and says, “I don’t know if it’s in yet.”
“Yeah, that’s the one!”
=========================
I met this girl on the weekend and took her home to meet my dad.
He whispered to me,
“Where the fcuk did you get her from, son?! She’s cross-eyed, bow-legged, and she’s got no teeth!”
I replied, “There’s no need to whisper, Dad. She’s deaf as well.”
=========================
I was asked to leave the local swimming pool today as the large bulge in my Speedos was upsetting some of the other swimmers.
I pointed out another guy in similar trunks and asked why he was not being asked to leave.
“Because he hasn’t shat himself,” was the reply.
=========================
I met this girl on Tinder last week and we decided to meet on a socially distance date. We met at the local park and I asked if she has a mask to put on. She replied was I worried that I would catch COVID 19. No I replied your ******* ugly.
=========================
Can you catch COVID 19 through sex?
Please let me asap know as I work at a morgue.
=========================
My wife bought herself three dildos.
I thought it must be one for each hole, until I saw her taping them together.
=========================
In an attempt to use sex to encourage me to do some jobs in and around the house, my wife walked up to me and said,”I’ll make you a deal… you go outside and cut the hedges, and I’ll shave my *****.”
I replied, “Don’t be stupid. We can’t both use the hedge trimmer at once.”
=========================
Halfway through my shift at the Photo Shop, a guy came in to pick up some photos of his naked wife.
Naturally, I had a little peek as I handed them over.
“Would you like the negatives?” I asked.
“Yes please,” he said sheepishly.
I said, “Your wife’s got saggy tits and a fat ass.”
=========================
My girlfriend was telling me that black men’s cocks taste like cabbage.
Then I thought- how would she know that?
The fat bitch has never eaten cabbage in her life.
=========================
I was in a sex shop looking at the inflatable dolls when the shop assistant came over, he said ” have you thought about purchasing the new Terrorist doll”?
I said ” is it much different to the other inflatable dolls ?” he said ” yes they blow themselves up”.
=========================
One day the penis tells the balls:
Tonight you are going to a party!
The balls reply, You fcuking liar, you always get inside and leave us hanging!
=========================
A girl grabbed my **** and said, “Wow! Your **** wouldn’t make a very good clock.”
“Why?” I asked, intrigued.
“Because I’d struggle to get a second hand on it,” she replied.
=========================
I used the Hoover for the first time today, seeing as my wife was ill and couldn’t get out of bed.
I must admit, it was better than the usual blowjob
=========================
I wrote a book called ‘My permanently exposed penis’.
It’s out now.
=========================
I wanked over a blind girl yesterday.
She never saw me coming.
=========================
I told my girlfriend I love the schoolgirl fantasy.
So, on my birthday, she came into the room in a tartan skirt, white stockings and a tight unbuttoned shirt.
As she tried to seduce me, I stopped her and said, “Seriously: it’s my ******* birthday and you can’t even find me a real schoolgirl?”
========================
A pub landlord is shutting up for the night when there is a knock at the door. When he answers, a Tramp asks him for a tooth-pick. He gives him the toothpick and the tramp goes off.
A few minutes later there is a second knock. When he answers, there is a second Tramp who also asks for a toothpick. He gets his toothpick and off he goes.
There is a third knock at the door, and a third Tramp. The landlord says, “Don’t tell me, you want a toothpick too.”
“No, a straw,” says the Tramp.
The landlord gives him a straw but is curious as to why he wants it, so he asks the Tramp why he wants a straw and not a toothpick.
To which the Tramp replies, “Some bloke just threw up outside but all the good stuff’s gone already.
========================
A guy’s fingering his girlfriend.
She says, “Would you take off your ring? It’s hurting me.”
He says, “That’s not my ring. It’s my wristwatch.”
========================
An Italian family is at the dinner table when the father says to his oldest son, “Tony, why you-a such a fat-a fcuk?”
Tony says, “Poppa, it’s-a Mama’s spaghetti! I can’t-a stop-a eating it.
“Poppa says, “You should-a take-a smaller bites!”
Then Poppa says to his middle son, “Michael, why you-a such a fat-a fcuk?”
Michael says, “Poppa, it’s-a Mama’s lasagna. I can’t-a stop-a eating it, it’s-a so good.”
Poppa says, “You should-a also take-a smaller bites.”
Then Poppa says to his youngest son, “Fredo, how you-a stay so slim-a and-a trim-a?”
Fredo says, “It’s-a so easy, Poppa. I eat-a lots and lots of-a *****.”
Poppa says, “*****? *****, that’s-a taste like ****!”
Fredo says, “Poppa, You should-a take-a smaller bites!!
=========================
A woman visits her physician. After waiting for a while it’s finally her turn. She enters the doctors’ office and sits down.
The doctor asks her, “Well, what can I do for you madam?”
The patient blushes and the doctor sees that apparently she is embarrassed.
“You can discuss any matter with me, everything is strictly confidential.”
“My husband complains that my ***** smells bad, is there a cure for this?”
“Sure”, the doctor says, “It can be a fungus, or a little infection, nothing unusual, please undress and lay down, so I can examine you and prescribe a treatment.”
The woman undresses, gets up the table with her legs spread waits until the doctor attends her.
He comes in, walks towards here, starts gasping for air, covers his mouth and nose with a hand and runs out of the office. After a minute or so, he enters again, covering his mouth and nose with one hand an a 7 foot wooden stick with an iron hook on it in the other hand.
“Aaaaaaaaaaaaagh, what will you do to me?” shouts the patient.
“Nothing”, says the doctor, “I’m just going to open the roof window a little.”
=============================
I think my wife has COVID 19 as she seems to have lost her taste. She decided to play her Bay City Rollers LP last night.
__________________
=================
A man walks into a library and says to the librarian, “Do you have that book for men with small penises?”
The librarian looks on her computer and says, “I don’t know if it’s in yet.”
“Yeah, that’s the one!”
=========================
I met this girl on the weekend and took her home to meet my dad.
He whispered to me,
“Where the fcuk did you get her from, son?! She’s cross-eyed, bow-legged, and she’s got no teeth!”
I replied, “There’s no need to whisper, Dad. She’s deaf as well.”
=========================
I was asked to leave the local swimming pool today as the large bulge in my Speedos was upsetting some of the other swimmers.
I pointed out another guy in similar trunks and asked why he was not being asked to leave.
“Because he hasn’t shat himself,” was the reply.
=========================
I met this girl on Tinder last week and we decided to meet on a socially distance date. We met at the local park and I asked if she has a mask to put on. She replied was I worried that I would catch COVID 19. No I replied your ******* ugly.
=========================
Can you catch COVID 19 through sex?
Please let me asap know as I work at a morgue.
=========================
My wife bought herself three dildos.
I thought it must be one for each hole, until I saw her taping them together.
=========================
In an attempt to use sex to encourage me to do some jobs in and around the house, my wife walked up to me and said,”I’ll make you a deal… you go outside and cut the hedges, and I’ll shave my *****.”
I replied, “Don’t be stupid. We can’t both use the hedge trimmer at once.”
=========================
Halfway through my shift at the Photo Shop, a guy came in to pick up some photos of his naked wife.
Naturally, I had a little peek as I handed them over.
“Would you like the negatives?” I asked.
“Yes please,” he said sheepishly.
I said, “Your wife’s got saggy tits and a fat ass.”
=========================
My girlfriend was telling me that black men’s cocks taste like cabbage.
Then I thought- how would she know that?
The fat bitch has never eaten cabbage in her life.
=========================
I was in a sex shop looking at the inflatable dolls when the shop assistant came over, he said ” have you thought about purchasing the new Terrorist doll”?
I said ” is it much different to the other inflatable dolls ?” he said ” yes they blow themselves up”.
=========================
One day the penis tells the balls:
Tonight you are going to a party!
The balls reply, You fcuking liar, you always get inside and leave us hanging!
=========================
A girl grabbed my **** and said, “Wow! Your **** wouldn’t make a very good clock.”
“Why?” I asked, intrigued.
“Because I’d struggle to get a second hand on it,” she replied.
=========================
I used the Hoover for the first time today, seeing as my wife was ill and couldn’t get out of bed.
I must admit, it was better than the usual blowjob
=========================
I wrote a book called ‘My permanently exposed penis’.
It’s out now.
=========================
I wanked over a blind girl yesterday.
She never saw me coming.
=========================
I told my girlfriend I love the schoolgirl fantasy.
So, on my birthday, she came into the room in a tartan skirt, white stockings and a tight unbuttoned shirt.
As she tried to seduce me, I stopped her and said, “Seriously: it’s my ******* birthday and you can’t even find me a real schoolgirl?”
========================
A pub landlord is shutting up for the night when there is a knock at the door. When he answers, a Tramp asks him for a tooth-pick. He gives him the toothpick and the tramp goes off.
A few minutes later there is a second knock. When he answers, there is a second Tramp who also asks for a toothpick. He gets his toothpick and off he goes.
There is a third knock at the door, and a third Tramp. The landlord says, “Don’t tell me, you want a toothpick too.”
“No, a straw,” says the Tramp.
The landlord gives him a straw but is curious as to why he wants it, so he asks the Tramp why he wants a straw and not a toothpick.
To which the Tramp replies, “Some bloke just threw up outside but all the good stuff’s gone already.
========================
A guy’s fingering his girlfriend.
She says, “Would you take off your ring? It’s hurting me.”
He says, “That’s not my ring. It’s my wristwatch.”
========================
An Italian family is at the dinner table when the father says to his oldest son, “Tony, why you-a such a fat-a fcuk?”
Tony says, “Poppa, it’s-a Mama’s spaghetti! I can’t-a stop-a eating it.
“Poppa says, “You should-a take-a smaller bites!”
Then Poppa says to his middle son, “Michael, why you-a such a fat-a fcuk?”
Michael says, “Poppa, it’s-a Mama’s lasagna. I can’t-a stop-a eating it, it’s-a so good.”
Poppa says, “You should-a also take-a smaller bites.”
Then Poppa says to his youngest son, “Fredo, how you-a stay so slim-a and-a trim-a?”
Fredo says, “It’s-a so easy, Poppa. I eat-a lots and lots of-a *****.”
Poppa says, “*****? *****, that’s-a taste like ****!”
Fredo says, “Poppa, You should-a take-a smaller bites!!
=========================
A woman visits her physician. After waiting for a while it’s finally her turn. She enters the doctors’ office and sits down.
The doctor asks her, “Well, what can I do for you madam?”
The patient blushes and the doctor sees that apparently she is embarrassed.
“You can discuss any matter with me, everything is strictly confidential.”
“My husband complains that my ***** smells bad, is there a cure for this?”
“Sure”, the doctor says, “It can be a fungus, or a little infection, nothing unusual, please undress and lay down, so I can examine you and prescribe a treatment.”
The woman undresses, gets up the table with her legs spread waits until the doctor attends her.
He comes in, walks towards here, starts gasping for air, covers his mouth and nose with a hand and runs out of the office. After a minute or so, he enters again, covering his mouth and nose with one hand an a 7 foot wooden stick with an iron hook on it in the other hand.
“Aaaaaaaaaaaaagh, what will you do to me?” shouts the patient.
“Nothing”, says the doctor, “I’m just going to open the roof window a little.”
=============================
I think my wife has COVID 19 as she seems to have lost her taste. She decided to play her Bay City Rollers LP last night.
__________________
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