Friday funnies continued....
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Why Are Vegetarian Women Silent During Sex....?
They Are In State Of Shock That A Piece Of Meat Can pleasure them!!..
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I got stopped by a woman in the street yesterday.
She said, "Excuse me sir, have you had an accident in the last three years that wasn't your fault?"
I said, "Yes, he's nearly 3 now."
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Woman goes doctors & says "I'm getting too much discharge."
Dr says "pop your knickers off & get on the bed." He puts on his latex gloves and applys 3 fingers into her vagina,
"how does that feel?" he says
"****ing lovely", she replies. "But the discharge is in my ear!
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A Shopworker feels horny and decides to have a wank there and then.
Frapping away he hears the owner approaching, he panics and shoves his **** in the till.
"You look happy!" says the owner.
"Yeah," replies the worker, "I"ve just come into some money."
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The teacher was telling the kids about the birds and the bees and she explained that when a man and a woman meet and fall in love,
nine months later the stork usually brings them a little baby from its nest.
Little Gemma at the back of the class put her hand up and asks the teacher, "Are you sure about the stork, miss?
I think you're getting your birds mixed up 'cos my big sister just got a little baby and she said it was from a shag in Scarborough...
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Two Irish blokes are out hunting in the woods when Paddy says,"I'm dying for a ****,but I haven't got anything to wipe my arse with."
Mick says,"Have you got a fiver Paddy?" "Yes," says Paddy."Well use that," replies Mick.
So Paddy goes off for 5 minutes and comes back with **** all over his hands and clothes.Mick says,"What the **** happened to you?"
Paddy looks at him and replies,"Have you ever tried to wipe your arse with four pound coins and two 50 pence pieces?"
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One day in the future, Barack Obama has a heart-attack and dies.
He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him.
"I don't know what to do here," says the devil. "You are on my list, but I have no room for you.
You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do.
I've got a couple of folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place.
I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."
Obama thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the door to the first room.
In it was Ted Kennedy and a large pool of water. Ted kept diving in, and surfacing, empty handed.
Over, and over, and over he dived in and surfaced with nothing. Such was his fate in hell.
"No," Obama said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer, and I don't think I could do that all day long."
The devil led him to the door of the next room.In it was Al Gore with a sledge-hammer and a room full of rocks.
All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.
"No, this is no good; I've got this
problem with my shoulder.
I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day," commented Obama.
The devil opened a third door. Through it, Obama saw Bill Clinton, lying on the bed,
his arms tied over his head, and his legs restrained in a spread-eagle pose.
Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.
Obama looked at this in shocked disbelief, and finally said, "Yeah man, I can handle this."
The devil smiled and said...........
"OK, Monica, you're free to go."
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A sweet innocent Catholic girl is about to be married and is worried, so she visits the Priest.
"Father, I know nothing about the anatomy of a man, what is that thing hanging between his legs called"? she asks
"That my child is his penis" replies the priest.
"And what are those two hairy round things that are about eighteen inches back from the tip of the penis called Father"?
The Priest answers "Well, for your sake, my child ,I hope that they are the cheeks of his arse"
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There was a young lady called Gill
Who swallowed an exploding pill
They found her vagina
In North Carolina
And her tits in a tree in Brazil
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A priest was taking a shortcut through an alley one day and
came upon a young boy who was masturbating. "My son, you
shouldn't be doing that", said the priest. "You should be saving
that for when you get married."
The embarrassed boy hung his head down low and simply
said "Yes, Father."
About 10 years later the priest was in his study when a young
man, in his early twenties came in.
"Yes, my son?" said the priest.
"Father, you may not remember me, but about 10 years ago
you caught me masturbating in an alley, and I'll never forget
the advice you gave then."
"And what was that, my son?"
"Well, you told me that what I was doing was wrong and I
should be saving it for when I get married", said the young
man.
"That sounds like something I probably would have said" said
the priest. "Did you take my advice?"
"Yes I did, Father; but there's only one
problem."
"What's that, my son?"
"Well, I have a 55 gallon drum of the stuff in the back of my
pickup truck. Now that I am getting married, what am I
supposed to do with it?
=================================
I remember when I was working up in Scotland for a few weeks.
I was getting really frustrated.
So I phoned the Wife and said, "Hello Love, can you send me a Pic of you Pleasuring yourself"..???
The bitch sent me a pic of her outside "Greggs" Cake
Shop, eating a Steak Bake Pasty..
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An Octopus goes into a bar and says, "I can play any musical instrument going!" Someone gives him a guitar which he plays like Hendrix.
Then someone gives him a piano which he plays better than Elton John. Then a Scotsman throws him a set of Bagpipes.
The Octopus fumbles about for a couple of minutes and the Scotsman says, "what's wrong, can ye no play it?"
The Octopus says, "play it? I'm gonna **** her brains out once I get her pyjamas off!"
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A teacher asks the class to name things that end with 'tor' that eat things.
The first little boy says, "Alligator.""Very good, that's a big word."The second boy says, "Predator." "Yes, that's another big word.
Well done." Little Johnny says, "Vibrator, Miss." After nearly falling off her chair, she says, "That is a big word, but it doesn't eat anything.
" "Well my Mum has one and she says it eats ****ing batteries like there's no tomorrow!"
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Came home to find my missus stood in the hall wearing riding boots and holding a whip.
"Oh great," I thought. "Where the fcuk are we going to keep a horse?"
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A guy walks into a pharmacy and says to the pharmacist, "Listen, I have three girls coming over tonight.
I've never had three girls at once. I need something to keep me ready and keep me potent."
The pharmacist reaches under the counter, unlocks the bottom drawer and takes out a small cardboard box marked with a label **Viagra Extra Strength** and says, "Here, if you eat this, you'll go nuts for twelve hours."
The guy says, "Gimme three boxes."
The next day, the guy walks into the same pharmacy, limps up to the pharmacist and pulls down his pants.
The pharmacist looks in horror as he notices the man's ‘member’ is black and blue, mangled and chunks of skin are hanging off in some places.
In a pained voice, the man moans out, "Gimme a bottle of Deep Heat."
The pharmacist replies in horror, "You can't put Deep Heat on that!"
The man replies, "No, it's for my arms, the girls didn't show up."
==============================
Camilla, Duchess of Cornwall wore a pair of new shoes for her wedding.
That night, when the celebration was over and they retired to their room,
She flopped on the bed and said, "Charles darling, please remove my shoes, my feet are killing me."
Her ever-obedient Prince of Wales tried the right shoe but the shoe would not budge.
"Harder!" yelled Camilla, "Harder".
Charles yelled back: "I'm trying, darling! But it's just so bloody tight!"
"Come on! Give it all you've got!" she cried.
Finally, when it released, Charles let out a big groan and Camilla exclaimed, "There! Oh God, that feels so good!"
In their bedroom next door, the Queen said to Prince Phillip, "See! I told you with a face like that, she had to be a virgin!"
Meanwhile, as Charles tried to remove her left shoe, he cried, "Oh God, darling! This one's even tighter!"
At which Prince Phillip said to the Queen, "That's my boy! He served in the Navy. Once a Rear Admiral, always a Rear Admiral!
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Right in the middle of lovemaking, the husband dies of a heart attack.
As the funeral arrangements are being made, the mortician informs the widow that he cannot get rid of her dead husband's rigor mortis hard-on
which is sticking straight up in the air and if they don't do something, it will look odd in the coffin at the funeral.
The widow tells the guy to cut it off and stick it up her dear departed's behind. The mortician can't believe his ears but the widow is adamant, so he does it.
During the funeral, friends and relatives of the dead man were concerned to see a tear in the corner of his eye,
but the widow assured them that there was no cause to be alarmed. Just before the casket is closed,
the widow leans in and whispers in the dead man's ear,
"It hurts, doesn't it?"...
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An eighteen-year-old girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for two months.
Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.
Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!"
The girl picks up the phone and makes a call.
Half an hour later a Ferrari stops in front of their house; a mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed
in a very expensive suit steps out of it and enters the house.
He sits in the living room with the father, the mother and the girl, and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the
problem.
However, I can't marry her because of my personal family situation, but I'll take charge.
If a girl is born I will bequeath her 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beach villa and a 1,000,000 bank account.
If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a £2,000,000 bank account. If it is twins, a factory and £1,000,000 each.
However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do"?
At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him,
"Then you shag her again."
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A married man was having an affair with his secretary.
One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon.
Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening around 8pm.
As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt.
Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home.
"Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house.
"Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary and we've been having sex all afternoon.
I fell asleep and didn't wake up until eight o'clock."
The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying *******! You've been playing golf!"
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An old man was on the beach and walked up to a beautiful girl in a bikini.
"I want to feel your breasts," he exclaimed.
"Get away from me, you crazy old man," she replied.
"I want to feel your breasts, I will give you twenty pounds" he says.
"Twenty pounds? Are you mad!? Get away from me!"
"I want to feel your breasts. I will give you one hundred pounds" he says.
"No! Get away from me."
"TWO HUNDRED POUNDS" he says. She pauses to think about it, but then comes to her senses and says, "I said No!"
"FIVE HUNDRED POUNDS" if you let me feel your breasts," he pleads.
She thinks, well, he is old, and he seems harmless enough.. and five hundred pounds is a lot of money....
"Well, OK.. but only for a minute," she says.
She loosens her bikini top and while both are standing there on the beach, he slides his hands underneath and begins to feel...
and then he starts saying, "OH MY GOD.. OH MY GOD.. OH MY GOD.." while he is caressing them.
So out of curiosity, she asks him, "Why do you keep saying 'Oh my god, oh my god'?"
While continuing to feel her breasts he answers, "OH MY GOD.. OH MY GOD.. OH MY GOD.. where am I going to get five hundred pounds from".
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I was looking at my wife: no teeth in, tits on her belly, hair a mess and smoking a roll up.
Then she cocked her leg and let out a massive fart.
"You are a mess and I'm disgusted with you," I said.
"I'm still the woman you love and married," she said. "Sometimes we all let ourselves go a bit."
"We're on our ****ing honeymoon," I replied!!..
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I do like this last one ...
