A few more laughs ....

[colsy]

During meditation, a monk asks his master… “Master. If a man shaves his
ass, is he gay?”
His master thought for a moment and replied: “A man who cleans his house,
clearly expects a visitor!!..
----------------
It was the stir of the town when an 80-year-old man married a 20-year-old
girl.
After a year she went into the hospital to give birth. The nurse came out
to congratulate the fellow.
"This is amazing. How do you do it at your age?" He answered "You've got to
keep that old motor running".
The following year she gave birth again. The same nurse said "You really
are amazing. How do you do it?"
He again said "You've got to keep the old motor running". The same thing
happened the next year.
The nurse said "You must be quite a man". He responded "You've got to keep
that old motor running".
The nurse then said "Well, you had better change the oil, this one's
black".
-----------------
Two pedo's were walking down the street one day when they came across a
pair of small lacy knickers on the ground.
The first one picks them up, smells them and goes "Aahhh... a
seven-year-old girl".
The other grabs them from him and also takes a smell and goes "No, no...
definitely an eight-year-old girl!"
The two of them are them smelling them in turns and arguing. "An
eight-year-old!" "No, a seven-year-old!"
"Definitely an eight-year-old!"... and so on.
The local priest is walking past as the two men argue and can't help but
ask them what the commotion is all about.
The first paedophile tells the priest, and asks him if he could sort out
the argument, so the priest takes the knickers,
has a good long sniff, and after pondering for a few moments he looks at
the two men and says:
"Definitely an eight-year-old girl... but not from my parish!"
------------------
Two Elephants meet a totally naked guy.
After a while one elephant says to the other:
"I really don't get how he can feed himself with that thing!"
------------------

 

[colsy]

May Day Funnies

A young bloke with his pants hanging half off , two gold front teeth, heaps of tattoos, and a half inch thick gold chain around his neck; walked into the Centrelink to sign some paperwork.
He marched up to the counter and said:
"Hi. You know, I just HATE being on the DOLE. I'd really rather have a job.. I don't like taking advantage of the system, getting something for nothing and all that.”
The social worker behind the counter said:
"Your timing is excellent. We Just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter.
You'll have to drive around in his 2015 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes.”
"Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips.
This is rather awkward to say but you will also have to, as part of your job, satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive.”
The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said:
"You're bullshittin' me!”
The social worker said,
"Yeah, well…You started it." .....
-------------------
I got fed up of my sarcastic missus going on about how much of a scruffy disgusting fat slob I was.
So I started going to a Gym, got myself in good shape with a tremendous six pack, had my hair done and a manicure.
Then one night I stripped off in front of her while she was watching the telly.
"Wow, " she said, "you look fantastic. I can actually see your **** again. I'd almost forgotten how small it was. "......
---------------------
A young fellow was about to be married and was asking his grandfather about sex.
He asked "How often should you have it?" His grandfather told him that "When you first get married, you want it all the time,
and maybe do it several times a day. Later on, sex tapers off and you have it once a week or so.
Then as you get older, you have sex maybe once a month. When you get really old, you are lucky to have it once a year,
maybe on your anniversary".
The young fellow then asked his grandfather "Well how about you and grandma now?"
His grandfather replied "Oh, we just have oral sex now". "What's oral sex?" the young fellow asked.
"Well" grandpa said "she goes to bed in her room, and I go to bed in my room.
And she yells '**** you' and I holler back '**** you too.'"
--------------------
The science teacher was discussing insects in her biology class for the kids. She said, "Moths always fly with their legs apart; can anybody tell me why?"
Many of the students looked at each other in total confusion.
Then little johnny raised his hand, and said, "I know why teacher".... "Have you ever seen the size of moth balls?"
--------------------
"You won't need condoms, I've had the snip, " I said to this easy girl.
"Bugger me," she replied, "you're not kidding, just how much of it did they snip off? "

....
non-alcoholic beer is like a vibrator without the batteries... it fills you up, but lacks the buzz...

....
I'm currently viewing a woman's profile on a dating site:
Blonde 33 From London Great Personality 5ft 3 green eyes.
Don't get me wrong, I like short girls, but 3 green eyes?
No wonder she can't find a ****in bloke...
------------------




If you think life is bad. How would you like to be an egg? You only get laid once! You only get smashed once!
It takes 4 minutes to get hard! Only 2 minutes to get soft! You share your box with 5 other guys!
And after 3 minutes in the hot tub you get your head smashed in and then you get a good poking bya load of soldiers!
But worst of all. The only chick that ever sat on your face was your mother! So cheer up, your life aint that bad!..

......
My wife came home drunk yesterday.
As she was undressing she stumbled, fell over and passed out.
Knickers round her ankles, and ***** on show to the whole world!
Well what’s a man to do I thought!
There was no way I was gonna miss a chance like this!...
So I ****ed off down the pub with the lads., whilst she slept it off!!!!!..

......
Someone once asked me, "What is your job?"
I replied, “I am my girlfriend's sexual advisor..
" Somewhat shocked, they said "I beg your pardon, but what do you mean by that?"
"Very simple. The girlfriend has told me that when she wants my ****ing advice, she'll ask me for it...

.
......
"Daddy, why do people hang horses?" asked my daughter.
"Nobody hangs horses, darling," I consoled her in my lap. "Who told you that people hang horses?"
"I just heard mummy on the phone saying that her new boss was hung like a horse."

..........
Found a note stuck on my door from my saucy blonde neighbour earlier,
saying "I want you to come round tonight and **** me stupid", but she can piss off.
Nobody calls me names then asks for a favour...
-----------------------

 

[colsy]

......................
A man and his wife got into bed for the night. The wife had curled up ready for sleep and the husband put his bed lamp on to read a book.
As he was reading, he stopped and reached over to his wife and started fondling her *****.
He did this only for a very short while then stopped and went back to reading his book. The wife got up and started stripping in front of him.
The husband was confused and asked "What the hell are doing, taking all your jammies off?"
The wife replied "You were playing with my *****. I thought it was foreplay for something a bit heavier".
The husband said "Hell no! I was just wetting my fingers so I could turn the pages.
......................
The officer shouted orders to a nearby soldier. With considerable bravery, the GI ran directly onto the field of battle,
in the line of fire, to retrieve a dispatch case from a dead soldier. In a hail of bullets, he dove back to safety.
"Private" the officer said "I'm recommending you for a medal. You risked your life to save the locations of our secret warehouses".
"Warehouses!?" the private shouted. "I thought you said *****houses!"
......................
A very naive British sailor is in a bar in London. He meets a wild girl, and she takes him upstairs.
She takes off her pants and her panties. He looks between her legs, and he says "What's that?"
She says "It's me lower mouth". He says "What do you mean, 'your
lower mouth?'" She says "Just what I said, it's me lower mouth. It's got a moustache...
It's got lips..." He asks "Has it got a tongue in it?" She says "Not yet..."
......................

 

[colsy]

more Sunday funnies...

Just completed in the paralympic blindfold masturbation competition.
**** knows where i came!..
............
After hot passionate sex last night with my girlfriend, she snuggled up next to me and said
“You know, You are by far the biggest I’ve ever had”
Apparently, “Ditto” is not the right response…Click here to enlarge..
..........
Choosing who to vote for is like having to choose a sexually transmitted disease.
They're all unpleasant and some are worse than others, but you really don't want any of them!...
.........
Women can argue for 3 hours straight, but 2 minutes into a blowjob their "jaw is aching".!!!!!!
.................

Woman in Asda notices a young assistant. He has such a cute arse it makes her randy!
She asks him to carry her shopping to her car.
On the way she can't hold back any more and says "I've got an itchypussy".
He says "you'll have to point it out love, all these ****ing Japanese cars look the same to me!"
.................




I saw my Girlfriend jogging today and thought, "Wow, finally she's decided to do something about her fat arse..."
Then I realised she was running after the ice-cream van!!..
.........
I think I've been watching too much **** recently.
My self-winding watch is up to September 2033..
........
Jack was about to marry Jill and his father took him to one side and said,
“When I got married to your mother the first thing I did when we got home was to take off my trousers.
I gave them to your mother and told her to try them on, which she did.
They were enormous on her and she said to me that she couldn’t possibly wear them, as they were too large.
I said to her “Of course they are too large for you. I wear the trousers in this family and I always will.
Ever since that day we have never had a single problem.”
Jack took his father’s advice to heart and as soon as he got Jill alone after the wedding, he did the same thing.
He took off his trousers and handed them to Jill and told her to try them on.
When she did she said “I can’t wear these, they’re far too large for me.”
“Exactly” Jack replied “I wear the trousers in this family and I always will.
I don’t want you to ever forget that.”
Then Jill took off her knickers and gave them to Jack.
“Try these on Jack,” she said, so he tried them on but they were too small.
“I can’t get into your knickers,” said Jack.
So Jill said ” Exactly, and if you don’t change your ****ing attitude, you never will.....

 

[colsy]

Saturday funnies ..(I hope )

The Italian Mother
Anthony invites his mother to his home* for dinner.
*

He lives with a female roommate, Maria
*
During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how lovely Anthony’s roommate is.
*

*
Throughout the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Anthony and his roommate than met the eye.
*
Reading his mom's thoughts, Anthony volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Maria and I are just roommates.''
*
About a week later, Maria came to Anthony saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver sugar bowl. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"

"Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure."* So he sat down and wrote an email:
*
Dear Mama,** I'm not saying that you “did" take the silver sugar bowl from my house; I'm not saying that you” did not" take it, but the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.
*
Your Loving Son,* Anthony

A few days later, Anthony received a response email from his Mama which read:

Dear Son,
*
I'm not saying that you “do" sleep with Maria, and I'm not saying that you "do not" sleep with her.
*
But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the sugar bowl by now.

Your Loving Mama
*

*
*
*
Moral: "Neva Bulla Shita yow Mama"!

=============================

My Girlfriend went to the doctors complaining about chapped lips.
Anyway, he gave her some cream and advised her to buy a bigger thong!!..
..........
I got a phone call from the police, they said "your house has been broken in to, they drank all your beer and shagged your wife!"
I said "I can't believe they shagged her after only 4 cans?"
........
Asked a girl in a bar if she fancied a drink and she told me I was wasting my time since she was a lesbian
I asked what that was and she pointed to a girl with a short skirt and great big tits and said she would love to
pull her knickers off and bury her tongue deep in her fanny
I said **** me I must be a lesbian as well ..
........
I was standing at the urinals next to a midget when i noticed him winking at me.
I turned my back a bit but when i looked around he was still winking at me,
So i said, What's your problem do you fancy me or something.
He said, No you ****er, You're splashing my eyes.

===========================

My wife came home with avibrator, started waving it about and screamed, "I don't need you now! I don't need you now!"
Guess who had to put the batteries in.
.............
The wife just come home and found out I swapped our bed for a trampoline.
She's hit the ****ing roof..
............
A young man was showing off his new sports car to his girlfriend. She was thrilled at the speed.
"If I do 200mph, will you take off your clothes?" he asked. "Yes!" said his adventurous girlfriend.
And as he gets up to 200, she peeled off all her clothes.
Unable to keep his eyes on the road, the car skidded onto some gravel and flipped over.
The naked girl was thrown clear, but he was jammed beneath the steering wheel. "Go and get help!" he cried.
"But I can't. I'm naked and my clothes are gone!" "Take my shoe", he said, "and cover yourself."
Holding the shoe over her pubes, the girl ran down the road and found a service station.
Still holding the shoe between her legs, she pleaded to the service station proprietor, "Please help me! My boyfriend's stuck!"
The proprietor looked at the shoe and said,
"There's nothing I can do...he's in too far."..

==========================

Paddy asked his wife what she want's for her birthday. She said, "I'd love a black iPad."
So he punched her.
...........
First the Lord made man in the Garden of Eden.
Then he said to himself, "There's something he's needing' ."
After casting about for a suitable pearl,
He kept messing around and created a girl.
Two beautiful legs, so long and so slender,
Round, slim, and firm, and ever so tender.
Two lovely hips to increase his desire,
And rounded and firm to bring out the fire.
Two lovely breasts, so full and so proud,
Commanding his eyes, as he whispers aloud.
Two lovely arms, just aching to bless you,
And two loving hands, to soothe and caress you.
Soft, cascading hair hung down over her shoulder,
And two dreamy eyes, just to make him grow bolder.
'Twas made for a man, just to make his heart sing.
Then he added a mouth. Ruined the whole ****ing thing.
......................
The wife said she was feeling light-headed from a low iron level.
To help her, I raised the ironing board to a more suitable height!...

=============================

Four young nuns are sitting together on a pew awaiting confession ....

Nun #1 enters the booth and says, "Father, I have sinned ... I've looked at a man's penis". The Priest says, "Say 10 Hail Mary's and dab some Holy Water in each eye".

Nun #2 enters the booth and says, "Father, I have sinned ... I've touched a man's penis". The Priest says, "Say 10 Hail Mary's and wash your hands in Holy Water".

As Nun #2 leaves the booth, the Priest can hear a scuffle going on outside the booth. Nuns #3 and #4 are on the floor fighting as the Priest says, "What's going on?"

Nun #4 points at Nun #3 and says, "I'm not putting that Holy Water in my mouth after this skank washes her ass in it".

================================

What do a gynaecologist and a pizza delivery boy have in common? They can both smell it but can't eat it.
.........
A farmer drove to a neighbours' farmhouse and knocked at the door. A boy, about 9, opened the door.
"Is your dad or your mum home?" said the farmer. "No, they went to town". "How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"
"No, he went with mum and dad". "The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other and mumbling to himself".
"I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one or I can give dad a message...?"
"Well" said the farmer uncomfortably "I really wanted to talk to your dad.
It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter Susie pregnant".
The boy thought for a moment... "You would have to talk to dad about that.
I know he charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the pig but I don't know how much he charges for Howard".
.........
80-year old Bessie bursts into the rec room at the retirement home. She holds her clenched fist in the air and announces
"Anyone who can guess what's in my hand can have sex with me tonight!!"
An elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out "An elephant?" Bessie thinks a minute and says "Close enough".
........
Three women walking down the street are stopped by a man doing a survey.
He asks "Ladies, would you mind telling me how you know if you've had a good night out?"
The first replies "I come home, get into bed and if I lay there and tingle all over, I know that I had a good night".
The second one replies "I come home, have a shower and a glass of wine, get into bed, and if I tingle all over, I know it was a good night".
The third one turns around and says "If I get home, rip off me knickers, throw them against the wall, and they stick,
then I know it was a good night!"

============================

A man with a mask on walks into a bank and goes to the desk. He pulls out a gun and points it at the lady at the desk.
He says "Open the vault, bitch!" The woman says "Sir, this is a sperm bank. We don't have any money here!"
The man says "Open the vault RIGHT NOW or I'm going to blow your ****ing head off!!"
She opens the vault and turns back to the man and he said "Take out one of those jars".
The woman says "Please sir, I promise you we don't have any money here. This is a sperm bank".
The man said "Take out one of those jars right now or I'll blow your ****ing head off'.
The women turns, grabs the jar and looks back to the man and he said "Take lid off and swallow it".
She looks at him in disgust and pleads to him saying "Sir, this is sperm. Please, I'm not drinking sperm.
We don't have any money here. Please leave". The man says "Take the lid off and drink it or I'll blow your ****ing head off!"
So the woman takes off the lid and downs it no problem, then turns to look back at the man.
To her amazement he whips off the mask and it was her husband.
He looked at her and said "See! It's not that ****ing difficult is it?!"

 

[colsy]

Thursday funnies

My mate said he can tighten nuts and bolts just by sitting on them. Personally I think he torques out his arse!!!...
=======================
A woman by the name of Annie Taylor went to her doctor and told him that her husband was having trouble getting an erection.
She asked Dr. Johnson if he could prescribe some viagra tablets to bring a bit of excitement to their lovemaking.
The doctor agreed and wrote out a prescription for six months worth.
Mrs Taylor went to the chemist and got her viagra tablets. Later that night,
she put one tablet in her husband's drink and that night they made love.
The next night, she put two tablets in his drink and the sex was even better than the night before.
The next night, she put three tablets in his drink and the sex was mind blowing.
They tried every position going and she had more orgasms than she had ever experienced before.
This went on for a few weeks and one night, she decided to empty the whole lot into his drink.
Six months later, Dr Johnson rang the family home and the phone was answered by her son Johnny.
The doctor asked if everything was OK with his parents and Johnny replied,
"Well, mum's dead, my sister has left home, the maid is pregnant,
my arse is sore and dad is running round the back garden stark bollock naked shouting out, "Here Kitty Kitty!"
=====================
So here was Sherman, a master Olympic wrestler, 3 Olympic Golds, multiple world titles as well,
training for what will be his retirement match at the upcoming Olympics.
His coach comes into the room "I have some bad news". "The most probable finalist opponent will be Olav Gregorsky from deep inside Russia.
I've never heard of him, I can't get any information about him, except he has NEVER lost a match.
On only two matches he ever fought he used a proprietary hold to win. That was called the 'Pretzel hold'.
Nobody outside of Russia has ever seen that hold. It is literally unbeatable".
Sherman looked a little rattled, but said "Whatever!"
Fast forward to the Olympics. Both Sherman and Olav have decidedly won every match, but Olav has not used his pretzel hold.
Now it's for the gold, and the two men enter the ring.
Coach is beside himself and goes out for a drink.
When coach returns to the stadium a few minutes later he hears his anthem playing and sees Sherman on top of the podium,
looking very much worse for wear and tear. But Sherman was the winner. Olav was second and crying like a little girl.
Minutes later Sherman hobbles off the podium into coaches arms. Coach asks "What happened?
Did he use the pretzel hold?" Sherman replies "Boy did he ever! After 3 rounds we were very evenly matched and getting tired.
Suddenly my world was upside down, I didn't know where my arms or legs were. Couldn't breathe.
My vision was fading fast and as I looked up I saw this crotch bouncing off my chin. What the hell, so I bit down as hard as I could".
"Yeah... and?" asks coach. "You'd be surprised what you can do if you bite your own balls!"

 

[colsy]

Englishman, scotsman and irishman sitting down for dinner on a building site. The englishman unwraps his butties takes a bite and spits it out. '****ing corned beef again, I am fed up with the same ****ing butties every day'. The scotsman opens his butty box, takes a bite and spits his out - '****ing haggis again! I am pissed off eating the same shite every day.' The irishman takes his unwrapped butties and throws them on the floor '****ing cheese and onion again!' The other 2 look at him and say 'how do you know that?' he replies 'I made them myself'.
==================
Paddy and Mick swap sandwiches at lunchtime. Paddy takes one bite of Micks sandwich and starts to gag.
"what the hell is in these? "
"crab paste "
"it's disgusting. Where did you get it?"
" it was half price at the chemist"
=================
A girl asks her doctor,how many calories are there in sperm.?..
Doctor replies,believe me dear,if you swallow,no one will care how fat you are!!..
........
I remember going to see Dr. Hook in the 70s.
Worst prostate exam ever.
..........
Last night in bed with my wife, she discovered an unusual lump on my testicles.
It was ok though, it turned out to be an erection.
........
Been to the gym today and I managed to find a hole in my trainer big enough to get my finger in...
The bitch has now made a complaint against me....
........
Whenever I`m in the supermarket and I see a woman picking up a cucumber, I give them a little wink and a smile…
just to see how many go red and put it back.
.............
A woman was having sex in an apartment 20 floors high with another man. She then heard her husband coming..
She told her lover to stay like a robot and not to move.
Husband: What is this?
Wife: This is a robot I bought to have sex with when you are traveling...
Husband: Okay.. Lets have sex now...
Wife: No sweetheart.. Yesterday I got my period, so I will go and make a cup of coffee for you..
After she left the husband said: Damn I am so horny, I will **** this robot...
He tried ****ing. The man started talking in a metallic robotic way..
"System error
Wrong hole
System error
Wrong hole.."
Husband: Damn robot is not working properly.. I am throwing it out of the window..
The lover realized that he was on the 20th floor he said:
"SOFTWARE UPDATED"
"PLEASE TRY AGAIN
===================
My Dear Wife, You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 57 years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 22-year-old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be upset—I shall be home before midnight.

When the man came home late that night, he found the following letter on the dining room table:

My Dear Husband, I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 57 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 57 years old. As you know, I am a maths teacher at our local college. I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my students, who is also the assistant tennis coach. He is young, virile, and like your secretary, is 22 years old. As a successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge of maths, you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference: 22 goes into 57 a lot more times than 57 goes into 22. Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow!!
=====================


Thinking of getting rid of the wife, British Gas say they will give me £50 for my old boiler.
..........
A new vibrator has gone on sale.
It's so realistic that just before the women reaches orgasm it cums,coughs,farts, goes limp then switches itself off!..
..........
I was playing scrabble with the wife last night,im sure shes cheating,
I mean who ever heard of the word "foreplay" ???
=====================

This bloke walks into the poshest restaurant in town and says, "Where's the god damn, mother ****ing Manager you **** sucking arse wipe."
The waiter is naturally taken aback and replies, "Excuse me, sir, but could you please refrain from using that sort of language in here,
I will get the manager as soon as I can."

 

[colsy]

Murphy applied for a fork lift operator post at a famous Irish firm based in Dublin.
A Norwegian applied for the same job and since both applicants had similar qualifications, they were asked to take a test and led to a quiet room with no interruptions by the Manager.
When the results were in, both men had scored 19 out of 20.
The manager went to Murphy and said, "Thank you for coming to the interview, but we've decided to give the Norwegian the job.”
Murphy,... "And why would you be doing that? We both got 19 questions correct. This being Ireland and me being Irish surely I should get the job.”
Manager, "We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you got wrong.”
Murphy, "And just how would one incorrect answer be better than another?”
Manager "That’s Simple; on question number 7 the Norwegian wrote down, 'I don't know.’
You put down, 'Neither do I.’ "

 

[colsy]

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown Ostrich behind him. The waitress asks them for
their orders. The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's

Yours?" "I'll have the same," says the ostrich.
The man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke.
The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."
Each time the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes routine until the two enter again.
"The usual?" Asks the waitress. "No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato
And a salad," says the man. "Same," says the Ostrich.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be £32.62."

Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.
The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, Sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?"
"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. WhenI rubbed it, a genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."
"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would ask for a million pounds or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"
"That's right..Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,"says the man.
The waitress asks, "What's with the ostrich?"
The man sighs, pauses and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with a big arse and long legs who agrees with everything I say.......

 

[colsy]

YOU HAVE TO LOVE OLDER LADIES!

True Story from an OPP (Ontario Provincial Police) Officer:

I made a traffic stop on an elderly lady the other day for speeding on Hwy 401 Eastbound at Hwy 400.

I asked for her driver's license, registration, and proof of insurance.

The lady took out the required information and handed it to me.

In with the cards I was somewhat surprised (due to her advanced age) to see she had a "conceal carry" permit. I looked at her and asked if she had a weapon in her possession at this time.

She responded that she indeed had a .45 automatic in her glove box.

Something---body language, or the way she said it---made me want to ask if she had any other firearms.

She did admit to also having a 9mm Glock in her center console. Now I had to ask one more time if that was all. She responded once again that she did have just one more, a .38 special in her purse. I then asked her what was she so afraid of.

She looked me right in the eye and said, "Not a f*****g thing!"

 

[colsy]

Sturday funnies

A Man Whispers to a Woman at the Bar.
"I'd love to fill your Fanny with Stella Lager and then drink it all down slowly''
The shocked Woman runs over to her Husband and tells him.
''Aren't you goin to kick the ****ing **** out of him''..??? She asks.
"No Way". he says.
''I'm not fighting any ****er, that can drink that much Stella''....!
===================
Did you know if you put your ear next to your girlfriends asshole you can hear her say, "What the **** are you doing?
===================
There's a way of telling if an orange is male or female…
If it squirts you in your eye without warning, it's a male.
If it's bitter for no apparent reason, it's a female.
===================
The first guy said "You know, I'm really lucky. When my wife makes love, she's like an acrobat. She can get into the most incredible positions".
The second guy said "I'm lucky, too. My wife is like a world-class pianist when we have sex. She's got the most talented hands you can imagine".
No one spoke for a moment. Then the first guy said to the third guy "George how's your wife in bed?"
George took a sip of his beer, then replied "I guess you could say that my wife makes love like a chess player".
"A chess player...?" "Yeah. Every twenty minutes, she moves".
===================
If I had a penny for every time someone called me sexist...*I'd probably be earning more than the average woman.
===================
An elderly couple were watching a Discovery Channel special about a West African bush tribe whose men all had penises 24 inches long.
When the black male reaches a certain age, a string is tied around his penis and on the other end is a weight.
After a while, the weight stretches the penis to 24 inches. Later that evening as the husband was getting out of the shower,
his wife looked at him and said "How about we try the African string-and-weight procedure?"
The husband agreed and they tied a string and a weight to his penis.
A few days later, the wife asked the husband "How is our little tribal experiment coming along?"
"Well, it looks like we're about half way there" he replied. "Wow, you mean it's grown to 12 inches?"
"No, it's turned black!"
===================
A guy with a black eye walks into a bar and orders a triple bourbon. The bartender says "Having a tough day, huh?"
The guy says "Yeah. My wife and I were doing the dishes and she turned to me and said 'Why don't we ever make love like in the movies?'
So I bent her over the kitchen table, yanked her pants down and rammed it in. I jackhammered her and slapped her on the ass as I pummelled her.
Then I pulled it out, turned her around and blew my load all over her face".
The bartender said "Wow! But what's up with the black eye?
"Turns out we watch different movies".

 

[colsy]

A man and a woman who had never met before, but who were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a Trans-continental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying,........... 'Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold.'

'I have a better idea,' she replied 'Just for tonight,...... let's pretend that we're married.'

'Wow!.................... That's a great idea!', he exclaimed.




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'Good,' she replied. ..............'Get your own ****ing blanket.'


The End ..........

 

[colsy]

Saturday funnies....

A woman arrived at a party and while scanning the guests,
she spotted an attractive man standing across the room, alone.

She approached him, smiled and said, “Hello, my name is Carmen.”

He replied, “That is a beautiful name. Is it a family name?”

She answered, “No, as a matter of fact, I gave it to myself. It represents
the two things that I enjoy most – cars and men. Therefore, I chose Carmen.”
Then she asked, “What’s your name?”
He answered, “B.J. Titsengolf”
========================
Scottish lateral thinking
An international company was looking to hire someone for an important position, so they interviewed dozens of applicants
and narrowed their search down to three people from different parts of the world.
In an attempt to pick one of them, they decided to give them all the same question to answer within 24 hours and the one
with the best answer would get the job.
The question was: "A man and a woman are in bed, nude. The woman is lying on her side with her back facing the man,
and the man is lying on his side facing the woman's back.
What is the man's name?"
After the 24 hours was up, the three were brought in to give their answers. The first, from the USA , says "My answer is, there IS no answer."
The second, from England, says "My answer is that there is no way to determine the answer with the information we were given."
The third one, from Scotland, says "I'm not exactly sure, but I have it narrowed down to two names. It's either: Willie Turner or Willie Nailer?"
The Scotsman got the job.....>>>>>
==========================
Princess Di, Freddie Mercury and Versace get to the gates of heaven, St Peter says "Sorry guys we're a bit full, what can you bring to heaven ?"
Freddie says "Are you taking the piss ? I was the worlds greatest entertainer, my performances are legendary,
I can come and rock the place up" St Peter ticked his list, Versace says " I am a legend, I have clothed the worlds most beautiful women,
I can make the place more flamboyant" again St Peter ticks his list, Princess Di sits there and doesn't say a word,
suddenly she grabs a bottle of mineral water and empties it up her snatch,
St Peter says "You're in my love" the others protest loudly until St Peter replies
" Don't you know ? A royal flush beats a pair of queens"
===========================
If reincarnation existed every man would come back as a spider, just to hear a woman scream "Oh my god it's ****ing huge"
........
A young cowboy was married this morning, and he and his new missus were heading to Dallas for the honeymoon.
They were tired and stopped at a small hotel for the night.
He explained to the clerk that they were married that morning and needed a room.
The clerk asked if he would like the bridal.
The cowboy said "Naw, I'll just hang on to her ears 'till she gets used to it".
===========================
Woman goes to the Doctors and says
"I'm getting too much discharge".
Doctor says
"Pop your knickers off and slip onto the bed".
He puts on his latex gloves and applies 3 fingers into her vagina.
"How does that feel?" he asks.
"****ing lovely" she replies
"But the discharge is in my ear!"
============================
The Fairy Liquid's adverts have been updated to reflect Modern-Day Britain
"Mummy, Mummy, Why are your Hands so Soft"..??

Cos I'm only 14 in it, now shut the **** up and eat ur Pot Noodle before your Dad gets home from School....
============================
The Royal Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus.
They promised any officer who volunteered for Retirement a bonus of £1,000 for every inch measured
in a straight line between any two points in his body... The officer got to choose what those two points would be.
The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of His head to the tip of his toes.
He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of £72,000...
The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes.
He walked out with £96,000.
The third one was a non-commissioned officer, a grizzly old Chief Stoker who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied,
'From the tip of my penis to my testicles.'
It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big cheques the previous two Officers had received.
But old the Chief insisted and they decided to go along with him providing the measure was taken by a Medical Officer.
The Medical Officer arrived and instructed the Chief to drop 'em,' which He did.
The Medical Officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief's penis and began to work back.
Dear Lord!' he suddenly exclaimed, 'Where are your testicles?'
The Old Chief calmly replied, ' The Falkland Islands'.
=============================
Said to the wife this morning "I'm off to cycle to work love" I get my bike out of the shed and realise its pissing it down!
I thought **** it, get back into bed for extra twenty mins and decide to slip the Mrs one from behind.
She moans and starts waking up.
So I whisper "Its pissing down out there!"
She replies "I know, and that stupid *******s cycling to work!"
......................
I don't ****ing believe it.
I left two Ed Sheeran tickets in my car and some ******* broke in and left two more.
.......................
A wireless bra?
As they weren't tricky enough, now I need a password too?
==============================
Now on sale at IKEA - LESBIAN beds, no nuts or screwing involved,
it's all tongue and groove...

 

[colsy]

A very embarrassed woman walks up to the counter at a pharmacy that sells a broad selection of sex toys,
but she has a lot of trouble communicating to the pharmacist what she wants.
After a series of indirect questions and awkward pauses, she finally gets the point across that she wants to buy a vibrator.
Finally getting the message, the pharmacist starts walking to the side, turns back to her,
and gestures with his index finger, "Come this way."
She answers back, "If I could come that way, I wouldn't bloody need a vibrator, would I?"
...............
She offered her honor.
He honored her offer.
And all night long...
... it was honor and offer.
...................
A man walks into a drug store with his pre-teen son, and he notices that as they happen to walk by the condom display,
the boy for the first time seems to take an interest in them."
The Father puffs up with a bit of male pride and tries to turn it into a fatherly moment.
"Son, Men use these condoms to have safe sex. Do you have any questions?"
The boy is a bit hesitant, but then asks, "Why do they come in packs of 3, 6, and 12."
"Well," The dad replies, "The three-packs are for College Freshman: one for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday."
"Cool" says the boy. 'What about the 6 packs?"
"Those are for Seniors, or athletes" the dad answers, TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday."
"WOW!" exclaimed the boy, "then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a 12 pack. With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replied,
"Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March, one for April.."
...........................
A man returned home from the night shift and went straight up to the bedroom and found his wife with the sheet pulled over her head, fast asleep.
Not to be denied, the horny husband crawled under the sheet and proceeded to make love to her.
Afterward, as he hurried downstairs for something to eat, he was startled to find breakfast on the table and his wife pouring coffee.
"How'd you get down here so fast?" he asked. "We were just making love!" "Oh my God," his wife gasped, "That's my mother up there!
She came over early and had complained of having a headache. I told her to lie down for awhile." Rushing upstairs, the wife ran to the bedroom.
"Mother, I can't believe this happened. Why didn't you say something?"
The mother-in-law huffed, "I haven't spoken to that gobshite for fifteen years and I wasn't about to start now!"

 

[colsy]

Saturday funnies

Sheila was having a shower and slipped over on the bathroom floor.
Instead of slipping over forwards or backwards, she slipped, did the splits and suctioned herself to the floor.
She yelled out for her husband Bruce. "Bruce! Bruce!" she yelled. Bruce came running in.
"Bruce, I've bloody suctioned myself to the floor" she said. "Strewth!" Bruce said and tried to pull her up.
"You're stuck fast girl. I'll go across the road and get Bluey" (his mate). They came back and they both tried to pull her up.
"No way. We can't do it" Bluey said "Lets try Plan B." "Plan B?" exclaimed Bruce.
"What's that"? "I'll go home and get my hammer and chisel and we'll break the tiles under her."
"Spot on" Bruce said. "While your doing that, I'll stay here and play with her tits."
"Play with her tits"? Bluey said, "Not exactly a good time for that mate"?
"No" Bruce replied, "But I reckon if I can get her wet enough, we can slide her into the kitchen where the tiles aren't so expensive!"
.............................
A farmer and his wife were lying in bed one evening; she was knitting and he was reading the latest issue of Farmer's Weekly.
He looked up from the page and said to her, "Did you know that humans are the only species in which the female achieves orgasm?"
She looked at him wistfully, smiled, and replied, "Oh yes? Prove it." He frowned for a moment, then said, "Okay."
He then got up and walked out, leaving his wife with a confused look on her face.
About a half an hour later, he returned all tired and sweaty and proclaimed,
"Well I'm sure the cow and sheep didn't, but the way that pig was squealing, I couldn't be sure."
.............................
Two University students decide to make an engine that runs on vaseline.
After a period of time they have accomplished this and decide to test it in a car to see how economical it is.
They build the car and head out in the country and its going great about 100 miles to a small jar of vaseline.
Eventually the car stops in the middle of no where around dinner time as they are out of vaseline.
They both exit the car and are figuring what to do next when one of the students sees a house in the distance on a hill.
What they don't know is that the people in the house have a rule that after dinner the first person who speak has to wash up.
The two students arrive at the door and knock but there is no answer although they can hear the TV on.
They decide to enter the house to check this out and find the entire family (Father, Mother, Daughter) sitting around the TV and not uttering a word.
One of the students says "We've broken down up the road. Do you mind if we have something to drink !"
No one says anything so the two students open the fridge and take out two beers and sit on the couch with the family.
They then request another beer and as no one says anything they have a second beer each.
One of the students feels a bit amorous and asks the father if he minds if he has sex with his daughter and still gets no reply.
He has his way with the daughter and she doesn't utter a word.
The other student thinks that this is ok and asks the father if he can have sex with the wife.
Still nothing is said and he has his way with the wife and she also does not utter a word.
They have another beer each and still no word from anyone.
As they get up to leave one of the students says "By the way does anyone have any vaseline".
The father jumps up and says "I'll do the washing up!!!".
.....................................

I'll never forget the embarrassing moment my mum caught me ******* over a **** film.
She called my dad upstairs and said, "Have you seen this?"
He said, "Yeah, there's some great cum-shots near the end."
..................
A woman has just come up to me outside the train station holding an unlit cigarette.
She said, "Have you got a light ****?"
I replied, "Well it floats in the bath.."
............
I was standing at the bus stop this morning next to a heavily pregnant woman.
I said politely, "When is it due?"
She smiled and replied, "Nine days."
I said, "Nine days? **** that, I'll start walking."
...................
Just had the wife tested for Tourette's.
Came back all clear.
Turns out I am a ****** and she really does want me to **** off.
.....................
The wife has left me because I spent all our life savings on a penis extension .She said she couldn't take anymore.
................................

Little Johnny's neighbours had a baby. Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears.
So when the mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnny's family was invited over to see the baby.
Before they left their house, Little Johnny's dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears.
His dad also told him that if he so much as mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears or even said the word "ears"
he would get the spanking of his life when they came back home.
Little Johnny told his dad he understood completely. So when Johnny looked in the crib he said, "What a beautiful baby."
The mother said, "Why, thank you, Little Johnny."
Johnny said, "He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see?"
Yes", the mother replied, "we are so thankful; the Doctor said he will have 20/20 vision."
"That's great," said Little Johnny
"'Cuz he'd be ****ed if he needed glasses
.................................

Rindercella and her Sugly Isters

"Rindercella and her sugly isters lived in a marge lansion. Rindercella worked very hard frubbing sloors, emptying poss pits, and shivelling shot.
At the end of the day, she was knucking fackered. The sugly isters were right bugly astards..
One was called Mary Hinge, and the other was called Betty Swallocks; they were really forrible huckers; they had fetty sweet and fatty swannies.
The sugly isters had tickets to go to the ball, but the cotton runts would not let Rindercella go.
Suddenly there was a bucking fang, and her gairy fodmother appeared. Her name was Shairy Hithole and she was a light rucking fesbian.
She turned a pumpkin and six mite wice into a hucking cuge farriage with six dandy ronkeys who had buge hollocks and dig bicks.
The gairy fodmother told Rindercella to be back by dimnlight otherwise, there would be a cucking falamity.
At the ball, Rindercella was dancing with the prandsome hince when suddenly the clock struck twelve "Mist all chucking frighty!!!"
said Rindercella, and she ran out tripping barse over ollocks, so dropping her slass glipper.
The very next day, the prandsome hince knocked on Rindercella's door and the sugly isters let him in..
Suddenly, Betty Swallocks lifted her leg and let
off a fig bart. "Who's fust jarted?" asked the prandsome hince."Blame that fugly ucker over there!!" said Mary Hinge.
When the stinking brown cloud had lifted, he tried the slass glipper on both the sugly isters without success and their feet stucking funk.
Betty Swallocks was ducking fisgusted and gave the prandsome hince a knack in the kickers.
This was not difficult as he had bucking fuge halls and a hig bard on. He tried the slass glipper on Rindercella and it fitted pucking ferfectly.
Rindercella and the prandsome hince were married.
The pransome hince lived his life in lucking fuxury, and Rindercella lived hers with a follen swanny!"

...................................
My girl caught me blowing my **** with the air dryer, and asked what I was doing? Apparently "heating your dinner" wasn't a good answer.

 

[colsy]

Glad you liked Alex,and hope many others also on here

 

[colsy]

The ZIPPER - If this one doesn't make you laugh then there is no hope for you...

At a Houston busy bus stop, a woman who was waiting for a bus was wearing a tight leather skirt. As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.

Again, she tried to make the step only to discover she still couldn't. So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more.

For the second time, attempted the step, and, once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg.

With little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to make the step.

About this time, a Texas oil rig worker who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.

She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and screeched, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know w ho you are!'

He just smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends."

 

[colsy]

A rather ‘frustrated’ woman went to the supermarket to try to take her
>mind off her overly erotic thoughts.
>
>As she moved through the aisles she saw bananas and apples and
>so many things that made her recall rather than forget her erotic mood.
>She ended up buying far more than she needed.
>
>When she arrived at the checkout there was a young man packing bags.
>As he packed her bags his muscles gleamed under the fluorescent lights
>and she could make out the contours of his body she could hardly
>control herself.
>
>After she paid she asked the young man if he could help her to
>her car with her many heavy bags of groceries.
>The young man willingly obliged.
>
>As they walked through the car park the lady finally lost control.
>She placed her hand on the young man’s bum and said “I have an itchy
>***** to which the young man replied “You’ll have to show me where it
>is ... ’cause all these Japanese cars look the same to me”.
>

 

[colsy]

Subject: The redhead

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there's a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He's been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her. Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

"Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. "Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you," she says.

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theatre followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap.

They had a wonderful time. He stays for breakfast. The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed.

Everything had been SO incredible!

"You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman, are you this nice to every guy you meet?"

"No," she replies. . ."You just happened to catch my eye."

(Oh shut up, and just forward it!)

(A CLEAN JOKE FOR ONCE........)

 

[colsy]

Sunday funnies

An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his advice on reviving her husband's libido.
"What about trying Viagra?" asked the doctor. "Not a chance" she replied. "He won't even take an aspirin".
"Not a problem" said the doctor. "Give him an Irish Viagra". "What on Earth is Irish Viagra?" she asked.
"It's Viagra dissolved in his morning cup of coffee. He won't even taste it. Let me know how it goes" he said.
She called the doctor the very next afternoon. "How did it go?" he asked. "Oh faith, bejaysus and begorrah, doctor, it was terrible.
Just horrid, I tell ya! I'm beside meself!" "Oh, no! What in the world happened?"
"Well, I did the deed, Doctor, just as you advised. I put the Viagra in his morning coffee, and he drank it.
Well, you know, it took effect almost immediately, and he jumped straight up out of his chair with a smile on his face,
a twinkle in his eye and his pants a-bulging. Then, with one fierce swoop of his arm, he sent the cups,
saucers, and everything else that was on the table flying across the room, ripped me clothes to tatters and passionately took me then and there,
right on top of the table. T'was a nightmare, I tell ya, an absolute nightmare!"
"Why so terrible?" asked the doctor. "Wasn't the sex good?" "Freakin jaysus, it was the best sex I've had in me last 25 years,
but sure as I'm sittin' here, doctor, I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again!"
======================
It was the first night for a newlywed couple.*The bride was still a virgin because she is afraid of dicks,
especially large ones and she's heard all about black men and how well hung they are.
To make his white bride feel at ease, the groom said to the her "Okay I am going to go outside and slowly show you my **** through the door.
Stay calm, there is nothing to be afraid of".
So he walked out, leaving the door slightly ajar and then stuck a little bit of his **** through the gap and asked
"Does that scare you?"*She chuckled a little and said "Nope!"
He then pushed a little more through the gap and again he asked "Does that scare you?"*"Nope" she replied.
He pushed some more through the gap and asked "Does that scare you?"*"Nope!" she said laughing.
He then said "Alright, you seem to be okay with it. I am coming up the stairs now!"
=========================
A priest hooks a huge fish. Helping him reel it in, a sailor says "Whoa, look at the size of that ****er!" "Hey, mind your language!" says the priest. Embarrassed, the sailor thinks quickly and blurts out "Sorry father, but that's what this fish is called - it's a ****er fish"
Accepting the explanation, the priest forgives the sailor and takes the fish back to church.
"Look at this huge ****er" says the priest, spotting the bishop. "Language please! This is God's house" replies the bishop.
"No, no - that's what this fish is called" says the priest. "Oh" says the bishop, scratching his chin
"I could clean that ****er and we could have it for dinner".
So the bishop takes the fish, cleans it, and brings it to the mother superior.
"Could you cook this ****er for dinner tonight?" he asks her. "My, what language!" she exclaims, clearly shocked.
"No, sister that's what the fish is called - a ****er" says the bishop. Satisfied with the explanation,
the mother superior says "Wonderful, I'll cook that ****er tonight, the Pope is coming for dinner!"
The fish tastes just great and the Pope asks where they got it. "Well, I caught the ****er!" says the priest.
"And I cleaned the ****er!" says the bishop. "And I cooked the ****er!" says the mother superior.
The Pope stares at them for a minute with a steely glaze, leans back on his chair, takes off his cap, puts his feet up on the table,
pours himself a whiskey and says
"You know what? You ***** are alright"
======================
The Baker's Assistant
A bakery owner hires a young female shop assistant who liked to wear very short skirts and thong panties.
One day a young man enters the store, glances at the shop assistant and at the loaves of bread behind the counter.
Noticing her short skirt and the location of the raisin bread, he has a brilliant idea. "I'd like some raisin bread please," the man says.
The shop assistant nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread located on the very top shelf.
The man standing almost directly beneath her is provided with an excellent view, just as he thought.
When she descends the ladder, he decides that he had better get two loaves.
As the shop assistant retrieves the second loaf of bread, one of the other male customers notices what's going on and requests his own loaf of raisin bread.
After many trips she is tired and irritated and begins to wonder, "Why the unusual interest in the raisin bread?"
Atop the ladder one more time, she looks down and glares at the men standing below.
Then, she notices an elderly man standing with them.
Thinking that she can save herself another trip, she yells at the elderly man, "Is it raisin for you too?"
"No," he stammers, "But it's quivering a little."
======================
A young lady becomes a hooker, and after her first night on the streets, the other hookers are asking her how it went...
"Well, the first guy I met was really hot! A marine with all kinds of muscles!"
"Ooh! Nice!" another girl says. "How'd it go?"
"Well I told him it was $50 for a ****. He said he didn't have that much. So I told him it's $25 for a blowjob. He didn't have that much either.
So I said it's $10 for a handjob. He agreed. So I unzipped him and pulled his **** out. Oh my God it was huge!
I wrapped one hand around the base, and a second hand above that, and then I put my first hand above the second hand and there was still more ****!"
"Oh my God! What happened next?" the other girl says.
"I loaned him $40."
=====================
A flat-chested young lady goes to Dr. Smith for advice about enlarging her
breasts. He tells her, "Every day when you get out of the shower, rub the
tip of your breasts and say, "Scooby dooby doobies. I want bigger boobies."
She did this every day faithfully and after several months, it worked!
She grew great boobs!
One morning she was running late and she was on the bus when she realized
she had forgotten her morning ritual. At this point she loved her new
boobs and didn't want to lose them, so right in the middle of the
bus--"Scooby dooby doobies. I want bigger boobies."
A guy sitting nearby asked her, "Do you go to Dr. Smith by any chance?"
"Why, yes, I do. How did you know?"
"Hickory dickory dock."
======================
An American woman of 40 wants to get married, but she is only willing to marry a man if he has never been with a woman.
After several unsuccessful years of searching, she decides to take out a personal ad.
She ends up corresponding with a man who has lived his entire life in the Australian outback.
They end up getting married.
On their wedding night, she goes into the bathroom.
When she returns to the bedroom, she finds her new husband standing in the middle of the room,
naked and all the furniture from the room piled in one corner.
"What happened?" she asks.
"I've never been with a woman," he says, "but if it's anything like a kangaroo, I'm gonna need all the room I can get..
==================