A few more laughs ....

[colsy]

A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!" He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife.

"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answered.

"Did you help him?" she asks.

"No, I did not, it's 3 am in the morning and it's bloody pouring rain out there!"

"Well, you have a short memory!!" says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us?

I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!

"God loves drunk people too you know."

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.



He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"

"Yes," comes back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.

"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.

"Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here on the swing," replied the drunk

 

[colsy]

A gay couple (Jeremiah and Timothy) is traveling on a plane.

"What if we had sex?" asks Jeremiah.

"Are you crazy? Here, on the plane? It would be awkward, everyone would watch us doing it..."
"Nobody is even paying attention to anything. Look!"
Jeremiah stands up and asks loudly:
"Could I have a napkin, please?"
Nobody gives a damn. Everyone is sleeping, reading, looking out the window, etc. Flight attendants pretend to not hear them, as they also don't give a damn.
"They really wouldn't care then, would they?" says Timothy.
So Jeremiah and Timothy have wild sex on the plane.
Later, when the plane arrives to the airport and the people are leaving, the stewardess sees an old man who threw up all over his shirt, even his pants are soaking in the filth.

"Sir, you should've asked for a bag!"

"I didn't dare" whispers the old man. "A few rows ahead I saw a man asking for a napkin and he got ****** in the arse..."

 

[colsy]

A woman and her ten-year-old son were riding in a taxi.
It was raining and all the prostitutes were standing under the awnings.

"Mum," said the boy, "What are all those women doing?"

"They're waiting for their husbands to get off work", she replied.

The taxi driver turns round and says, "Geez lady, why don't you tell
him the truth? They're hookers, boy! They have sex with men for money."

The little boy's eyes got wide and he said, "Is that true, Mum?"

His mother, glaring hard at the taxi driver, answers in the affirmative.

After a few minutes, the kid asked, "Mum, what happens to their babies?"

"Most of them become taxi drivers", she said.

 

[colsy]

A Scotsman's Chilli

A hungry bloke walks into a seedy cafe in Glasgow.......

He sits at the counter and notices a Jock with his arms folded staring blankly at a bowl of chilli.

After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the
hungry bloke bravely asks,

"If you aren't going to eat that, mind if I do?"

The old Jock slowly turns his head toward the young bloke and
says, "Nah, ye can gae ahead."

Eagerly, the young bloke reaches over and slides the bowl over to his place and starts spooning it in with delight.

He gets nearly down to the bottom and notices a dead mouse in
the chilli.

The sight was shocking and he immediately pukes up the chilli
back into the bowl.

The old Jock says:- "Aye, that's as far as I got too".

 

[colsy]

A man with a completely bald head and only one leg is invited to a Xmas fancy dress party.
He doesn't know what to wear to hide his head and his wooden leg, so he writes to a fancy dress company to
explain his problem. A few days later he receives a parcel with a
note:

Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a Pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your
wooden leg you will be just right as a Pirate. The man is offended that the outfit emphasizes his disability, so
he writes a letter of complaint.. A week passes and he
receives another parcel and note

Dear Sir,
Sorry about the previous parcel. Please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg
and with your bald head you will really look the part. The man is really incandescent with rage now, because
the company has gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to drawing attention to his bald head. So he writes a
really strong letter of complaint.. A few days later he gets a very small parcel from the company with the
accompanying letter:

Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a tin of Golden Syrup. We suggest you pour the tin of Golden Syrup over your bald
head, let it harden, then stick your wooden leg up your arse and go as a toffee apple.

 

[colsy]

Went to a mates place today to pick up some steel.
Knocked on the door and his nine year old son answered.
He's got rwo half naked girls about 21 with him and obviously stoned.
So high, both eyes were in the same socket.
He's got a stubby in one hand, he's chuffin' on a Winfield Red and he's got the Wiggles cranked to 11.
I said " Is your Mum home mate?"
He said " What do you reckon Einstein? "

 

[colsy]

Two Tasmanian's were sitting around talking one afternoon over a cold beer.

After a while the first Tasmanian says to the second,

"If I was to sneak over to your house and make love to your wife while you was off fishing’,

and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us related?”

The second Tasmanian crooked his head sideways for a minute,

scratched his head, and squinted his eyes, thinking real hard about the question.

Finally, he says, "Well, I don't know about related, but I reckon it’d make us even."

 

[colsy]

Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25 year- old blonde who knocks everyone’s socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm.
She hangs onto Bob’s arm and listens intently to his every word. His buddies at the club are all aghast.
At the very first chance, they corner him and ask, “Bob, how did you get the trophy girlfriend?”
Bob replies, “Girlfriend? She’s my wife!”
They’re amazed, but continue to ask. “So, how did you persuade her to marry you?”
“I lied about my age”, Bob replies “What, did you tell her you were only 50?”
Bob smiles and says, “No, I told her I was 90.”

 

[colsy]

A little old guy is walking around in a supermarket calling out, Olive Oil !! Olive oilllllll!'
Soon an assistant manager approaches and says, 'Sir, the Olive oil is in aisle 3.'
The old guy replies, 'Oh, I'm not looking for the cooking stuff. I'm calling my wife. She's in here somewhere'
The clerk is astonished.
'Your wife's name is Olive oil?'
The old guy answers, 'Oh no, no, no. I only call her that when we're out in public'
'I see,' said the clerk.
'What do you call her at home?'
'Lard arse.'

 

[colsy]

I'm at the doctor's office & they don't know why I have this rash on my testicles. I think I'll wait for the Doctor, these other patients are clueless.

--
I can't seem to hang on to a girlfriend.
All seems well until I pat their belly and say
" Soon you will swell with my seed-"

--

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.

'Hurry,' she said, 'stand in the corner.'
She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder.
'Don't move until I tell you,' she said. 'Pretend you're a statue.'
'What's this?' the husband inquired as he entered the room.
'Oh it's a statue,' she replied.
'The Smiths bought one and I liked it so I got one for us, too.'
No more was said, not even when they went to bed.
Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer.
'Here,' he said to the statue, 'have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smiths and nobody offered me a damned thing.'

---

 

[martin j.]

Sexist wendyball joke.

 

[BadBoy03]

A gay couple (Jeremiah and Timothy) is traveling on a plane.

"What if we had sex?" asks Jeremiah.

"Are you crazy? Here, on the plane? It would be awkward, everyone would watch us doing it..."
"Nobody is even paying attention to anything. Look!"
Jeremiah stands up and asks loudly:
"Could I have a napkin, please?"
Nobody gives a damn. Everyone is sleeping, reading, looking out the window, etc. Flight attendants pretend to not hear them, as they also don't give a damn.
"They really wouldn't care then, would they?" says Timothy.
So Jeremiah and Timothy have wild sex on the plane.
Later, when the plane arrives to the airport and the people are leaving, the stewardess sees an old man who threw up all over his shirt, even his pants are soaking in the filth.

"Sir, you should've asked for a bag!"

"I didn't dare" whispers the old man. "A few rows ahead I saw a man asking for a napkin and he got ****** in the arse..."

I missed this one before & spat my drink out with a lol

 

[colsy]

Harry and his wife are having hard financial times, so they decide
she'll become a hooker.
She's not quite sure what to do, so Harry says, "Stand in front of
that bar and pick up a guy.
Tell him a hundred bucks.
If you've got a question, I'll be parked around the corner.
She's not there five minutes when a guy pulls up and says,
"How much?"
"A hundred dollars."
"Damn. All I've got is thirty."
"Hold on," she says and runs back to Harry.
"What can he get for thirty dollars?"
"A handjob," Harry replies.
She runs back and tells the guy all he gets for thirty dollars
is a handjob.
He says okay, she gets in the car, he unzips his pants, and
out pops a simply HUGE male unit.
She stares at it for a minute, and then says, "I'll be right back."
She runs back around the corner and says breathlessly,
"Harry, can you loan this bloke seventy bucks?"

 

[martin j.]

After a beautiful wedding and the overseas honeymoon, Tom was occupied doing some welding in the garage. His new wife was standing there by the bench watching him.

After a long period of silence she finally said: "Honey, I've been thinking; now that we are married, maybe you don't need to spend so much of your time out here working in your garage. You could consider selling some of your machinery, tools and things like your gun collection, fishing gear, boat and get rid of all those stupid model cars. How about selling that old classic car that’s in the garage that only goes out once a month? "

Tom got a most horrified look on his face and silently stared at her.

She said, "Darling, what's wrong?"

He replied, "Nothing … but for a minute there, you were starting to sound like my ex-wife."

"Ex-wife!?" she screamed, "You NEVER told me you were previously married!”

Tom replied, “I wasn’t”...

 

[colsy]

JOKE OF THE YEAR

Two women were sitting quietly together, minding their own business.

 

[BadBoy03]

JOKE OF THE YEAR

Two women were sitting quietly together, minding their own business.

Lol...that would be something!

 

[colsy]

A little boy was waiting for his mother to come out of the grocery
Store. As he waited, he was approached by a man called Terry who asked, "Son, can You tell me where the Post Office is?"
The little boy replied, "Sure! Just go straight down this street a
and turn to your right."
Terry thanked the boy kindly and said, "I'm the new pastor in town.
I'd like for you to come to church on Sunday. I'll show you how to get to Heaven."
The little boy replied with a chuckle. "Awww, come on... You don't
even know the way to the fuckin' Post Office"

 

[colsy]

Two Mormons were going door to door, and knocked on the door of a woman who was not happy to see them. She told them in no uncertain terms that she did not want to hear their message and slammed the door in their faces. To her surprise, however, the door did not close and, in fact, bounced back open. She tried again, really put her back into it, and slammed the door again with the same result-the door bounced back open.

Convinced these rude young people were sticking their foot in the door, she reared back to give it a slam that would teach them a lesson, when one of them said, "Ma'am, before you do that again, you need to move your cat

 

[colsy]

Patient: “Doctor, I've got a strawberry stuck up my bum.”
Doctor: “I've got some cream for that.

 

[colsy]

A little girl goes to the barbers with her dad and stands next to the chair eating a muffin while her dad gets a haircut.
The barber smiles at her and says: "Your gonna get hair on your muffin!"
"I know" she says "I'm gonna get tits too you dirty old *******!"