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A few more laughs ....
- Thread starter colsy
- Start date
A Surgeon went to check on his blonde patient after an operation.
She was awake, so he examined her.
"You'll be fine," he said reassuringly.
She asked, " Doctor, how long will it be before I can have a normal sex life again?"
The Surgeon paused before he replied, which alarmed the girl.
"What's the matter, Doctor? I’ll be all right, won't I?"
He replied, "Yes, you'll be fine. It's just that no one has ever asked
me that question straight after having their tonsils out."
She was awake, so he examined her.
"You'll be fine," he said reassuringly.
She asked, " Doctor, how long will it be before I can have a normal sex life again?"
The Surgeon paused before he replied, which alarmed the girl.
"What's the matter, Doctor? I’ll be all right, won't I?"
He replied, "Yes, you'll be fine. It's just that no one has ever asked
me that question straight after having their tonsils out."
A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, 'Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!' After a few seconds, Little Harold stood up. The teacher said, 'Do you think you're stupid, Harold?' 'No, teacher, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!'
Harold watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. 'Why do you do that, mommy?' he asked. 'To make myself beautiful,' said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. 'What's the matter, asked Harold 'Giving up?'
The math teacher saw that Harold wasn't paying attention in class She called on him and said, 'Harold! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?' Harold quickly replied, 'NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!'
Harold's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. 'Yes,' said the policeman. 'The detectives want very badly to capture him. Harold asked, “Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture ? "
Little Harold attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Harold asked, 'Dad, why are you doing that?' His father replied, 'Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Harold, looking worried, said, 'Dad, I think the postie wants to buy Mom ....'
Harold watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. 'Why do you do that, mommy?' he asked. 'To make myself beautiful,' said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. 'What's the matter, asked Harold 'Giving up?'
The math teacher saw that Harold wasn't paying attention in class She called on him and said, 'Harold! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?' Harold quickly replied, 'NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!'
Harold's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. 'Yes,' said the policeman. 'The detectives want very badly to capture him. Harold asked, “Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture ? "
Little Harold attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Harold asked, 'Dad, why are you doing that?' His father replied, 'Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Harold, looking worried, said, 'Dad, I think the postie wants to buy Mom ....'
An older couple were lying in bed one night. The husband was falling
asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk. She
said: "You used to hold my hand when we were courting."
Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get
back to sleep.
A few moments later she said: "Then you used to kiss me."
Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.
Thirty seconds later she said: "Then you used to bite my Neck."
Angrily, he threw back the bedclothes and got out of bed.
"Where are you going?" she asked.
"To get my teeth!"
asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk. She
said: "You used to hold my hand when we were courting."
Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get
back to sleep.
A few moments later she said: "Then you used to kiss me."
Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.
Thirty seconds later she said: "Then you used to bite my Neck."
Angrily, he threw back the bedclothes and got out of bed.
"Where are you going?" she asked.
"To get my teeth!"
An old nun who was living in a convent next to a construction site noticed the coarse language of the workers and decided to spend some time with them to correct their ways.
She decided she would take her lunch; sit with the workers; and talk with them.
She put her sandwich in a brown bag and walked over to the spot where the men were eating.
Sporting a big smile, she walked up to the group and asked: "And do you men know Jesus Christ?"
They shook their heads and looked at each other. Very confused.
One of the workers looked up into the steelworks and yelled out, "Anybody up there know Jesus Christ?"
One of the steelworkers yelled down, "Why?"
The worker yelled back, “’Cause his Mum's here with his lunch."
She decided she would take her lunch; sit with the workers; and talk with them.
She put her sandwich in a brown bag and walked over to the spot where the men were eating.
Sporting a big smile, she walked up to the group and asked: "And do you men know Jesus Christ?"
They shook their heads and looked at each other. Very confused.
One of the workers looked up into the steelworks and yelled out, "Anybody up there know Jesus Christ?"
One of the steelworkers yelled down, "Why?"
The worker yelled back, “’Cause his Mum's here with his lunch."
A blonde is showing off her new tattoo of a giant seashell on her inner thigh.
Her friends ask her why she would get such a tattoo and in that location.
She responds 'It's really cool. If you put your left ear up against it,
You can smell the ocean.
Her friends ask her why she would get such a tattoo and in that location.
She responds 'It's really cool. If you put your left ear up against it,
You can smell the ocean.
Just found out my g/dad was a reformed gambler.After losing big at the races he was in to the bookies for 500 pounds.He drove right to the edge of Kangaroo Point cliffs ready to drive over the edge cause he was so stressed.All these people were begging him not to do it and finally they collected over 1000 pounds so he wouldn't drive over.
I'm amazed his bus passengers had that much money with them
I'm amazed his bus passengers had that much money with them
Ponderisms
Why do peanuts float in a regular coke - but sink in a diet coke? Go ahead and try it
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
Can you cry under water?
How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
Why do you have to "put your two cents in"... but it’s only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going?
Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?
What disease did cured ham actually have?
How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?
If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
Why are you IN a movie, but you’re ON TV?
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.
Why is “bra" singular and "panties" plural?
Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?
If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can’t he fix a hole in a boat?
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
Why did you just try singing the two songs above?
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
HOW DID THE MAN WHO MADE THE FIRST CLOCK, KNOW WHAT TIME IT WAS?
Why do peanuts float in a regular coke - but sink in a diet coke? Go ahead and try it
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
Can you cry under water?
How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
Why do you have to "put your two cents in"... but it’s only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going?
Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?
What disease did cured ham actually have?
How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?
If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
Why are you IN a movie, but you’re ON TV?
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.
Why is “bra" singular and "panties" plural?
Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?
If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can’t he fix a hole in a boat?
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
Why did you just try singing the two songs above?
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
HOW DID THE MAN WHO MADE THE FIRST CLOCK, KNOW WHAT TIME IT WAS?
The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for money usually costs a lot less.
A funeral service is being held for a woman. At the end of the service, they are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall. They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and the woman is alive! She lives for ten more years, and then dies. Once more the pallbearers are carrying out the casket. As they carry the casket towards the door, the husband cries out, 'Watch that wall!'
Three girls, Jan, Sue and Mary haven't seen each other since leaving school.
They rediscover each other via Facebook and arrange to meet for lunch …
Jan arrives first, wearing a beige Versace dress. She orders a bottle of Pinot Grigio.
Sue arrives shortly afterward, wearing a grey Chanel number. After the initial hugs and kisses
she joins Jan in a glass of wine.
Then Mary walks in, wearing a faded old tee-shirt, blue jeans and boots. She too shares the wine.
Jan explains that after leaving school and attending Oxford University she met and married Roddy, with whom she has a beautiful daughter. Roddy is a partner in one of Sydney's leading law firms. They live in a 4000 sq ft apartment on The North Shore and Susanna, the daughter, attends drama school. They have a second home in Bali.
Sue relates that she graduated from Monash University, studied to become a doctor and is now a surgeon. Her husband, Syd, is a leading financial investment banker in Melbourne. They live in the Toorak area and have a second home in Italy.
Mary explains that after she left school at 17, she ran off with her boyfriend, Bones. They run a tropical bird park on the Sunshine Coast and grow their own vegetables. Bones can stand five parrots, side by side, on his erect penis.
Halfway down the third bottle of wine and several hours later, Jan blurts out that her husband is really a cashier at Target they live in a small apartment, and have a camper trailer parked on the front drive.
Sue, chastened and encouraged by her old friend's honesty, explains that she and Syd are both nursing care assistants in an old people's home. They live in Hoppers Crossing and take camping holidays on the Murray.
Mary admits that the fifth parrot has to stand on one leg.
They rediscover each other via Facebook and arrange to meet for lunch …
Jan arrives first, wearing a beige Versace dress. She orders a bottle of Pinot Grigio.
Sue arrives shortly afterward, wearing a grey Chanel number. After the initial hugs and kisses
she joins Jan in a glass of wine.
Then Mary walks in, wearing a faded old tee-shirt, blue jeans and boots. She too shares the wine.
Jan explains that after leaving school and attending Oxford University she met and married Roddy, with whom she has a beautiful daughter. Roddy is a partner in one of Sydney's leading law firms. They live in a 4000 sq ft apartment on The North Shore and Susanna, the daughter, attends drama school. They have a second home in Bali.
Sue relates that she graduated from Monash University, studied to become a doctor and is now a surgeon. Her husband, Syd, is a leading financial investment banker in Melbourne. They live in the Toorak area and have a second home in Italy.
Mary explains that after she left school at 17, she ran off with her boyfriend, Bones. They run a tropical bird park on the Sunshine Coast and grow their own vegetables. Bones can stand five parrots, side by side, on his erect penis.
Halfway down the third bottle of wine and several hours later, Jan blurts out that her husband is really a cashier at Target they live in a small apartment, and have a camper trailer parked on the front drive.
Sue, chastened and encouraged by her old friend's honesty, explains that she and Syd are both nursing care assistants in an old people's home. They live in Hoppers Crossing and take camping holidays on the Murray.
Mary admits that the fifth parrot has to stand on one leg.
The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment:
Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories.
There were all the regular types of stuff: spilled milk and pennies saved.
But then the teacher realized, much to her dismay, that she had missed Janie. “Janie, do you have a story to share?
''Yes ma'am. My Daddy told me a story about my Mummy.
She was a Marine pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit.
She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife.
She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break, and then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 Iraqi troops.
She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands.
''Good Heavens," said the horrified teacher. 'What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story?
"Stay away from Mummy when she's been drinking."
Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories.
There were all the regular types of stuff: spilled milk and pennies saved.
But then the teacher realized, much to her dismay, that she had missed Janie. “Janie, do you have a story to share?
''Yes ma'am. My Daddy told me a story about my Mummy.
She was a Marine pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit.
She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife.
She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break, and then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 Iraqi troops.
She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands.
''Good Heavens," said the horrified teacher. 'What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story?
"Stay away from Mummy when she's been drinking."
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