A few more laughs ....

[colsy]

Indian English…………

Patel,an Indian, recently immigrated to USA.

One day a neighbor’s cat was chasing a Patel’s chicken and Patel somehow ended up in the hospital. Patel’s Friends went to see him at the hospital and this is what transpired:

Patel’s Friend: why have you been hospitalized?
Patel: Well, I complained to my neighbor and he started beating me..
Patel’s Friend: Usey kya bataya?( what did you say)
Sardar: Maine unko Angrezi mein kaha; (I said in English)'Control your wife's *****. She is after my ****!’

=====================

A Muslim woman was walking past a pub in Springburn one afternoon when a drunk Glaswegian staggered out of the door.
He stared at the burkha-clad bint for a moment then laid into her,
knocking her to the ground and kicking seven shades of **** out of the poor lass.
Finally, satisfied with his handiwork he looked down and muttered,
"You're no so feckin' hard noo, eh Batman ?"

======================


A man was strip searched at the airport, and was found to have a tin of Spam up his bum...... it is believed he is from the terrorist group Hamass

======================

A farmer has to go out to plow his rental field about 10 miles from his farm. To get there he must drive his tractor, and his dog old Joe trots along beside him.
Halfway through the plowing, the tractor runs out of fuel. He wanders out to the road and flags down a ride, which just happens to be a Ferrari.
The driver says, "You can have a ride, but that dog can't get in my car."
The farmer says, "Don't worry. Old Joe will keep up."
The driver figures he'll show the farmer just what his car can do and lets it rip. Just as he is going into 5th gear, he looks out the window and sure enough Old Joe is right beside him. He can't wait to have a look at the amazing dog, so he slams on the brakes, and the car stops rather abruptly.
The driver jumps out exclaiming, "He's the most incredible dog I've ever seen! But what kind of collar is that he's wearing?"
The farmer shook his head and said, "That's not a collar. That's his asshole. He's not used to stopping that fast.

 

[colsy]

Ho Ho Ho

A little kid sits on Santa's lap, and Santa says "What would you like
for Christmas?" The kid says "A ****ING swingset!" Santa says "You'll
have to ask nicer than that if you want Santa to bring you presents.
Let's try again. What else would you like?" The kid says "A ****ING
sandbox for the side yard!" Santa says "That's no way to talk to Santa.
One more time. What else would you like for Christmas?" The boy thinks
for a minute, and then he says "I want a ****ING trampoline in the front
yard".

Santa lifts the boy off his lap and goes to talk to the kid's parents.
He tells them what the kid said, and then says "I know how to stop it.
Don't get him anything for Christmas except dog doo. Put a pile of dog
doo in the backyard where he wants the swingset, put another pile in the
side yard where he wants the sandbox, and another pile in the front yard
where he wants the trampoline. That should make him change his tune!"

Christmas morning the kid goes downstairs to open his presents, and
there aren't any. He runs out the back door, looks around, and comes
back in. He runs out the side door, looks around, and comes back in. He
runs out the front door, looks around, and comes back in, shaking his head.

His father says "What's wrong, son?" The kid says "Santa brought me a
****ING dog, but I can't find him...?"

 

[colsy]

Happy Christmas ...

A Husband and his Wife went to the Doctor.

The Doctor took the Husband in first.

The Husband was a bit embarrassed and told the Doctor he had trouble getting an erection with his Wife and she was getting frustrated.

He checked his Blood Pressure and other things, and finally told him he would see his Wife now.

He took her to another cubicle and told her to completely disrobe. Then he told her to turn all the way around slowly. She did as instructed. He then told her to turn all the way around in the other direction. Then he said - Ok you can get dressed now, I will talk to your Husband.

Then the Doctor went into the other office and told the Husband - You can relax . There is nothing wrong with you, I couldn't get an erection either!!

 

[colsy]

A,b,c,d,e,f,g,h,i,j,..

THAT WILL TEACH HIM

After being married for 48 years, a wife asked her husband to describe her.

He looked at her for a while, then said, "you're an alphabet wife... A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K."

She asks, "what the hell does that mean?"

He said, “Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Fabulous, Gorgeous, and Hot".

She smiled happily and said, "oh that's so lovely, but what about I, J, K?"

He said, "I'm Just Kidding!"

The swelling in his eye is going down and the doctor is fairly optimistic about saving his testicles.

 

[colsy]

Some repeats though..

Happy New Year to you all .Be Safe Happy and Healthy ..lets hope anyway .
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++




Had an Irish mixed grill!! New potatoes, roast potatoes, boiled potatoes, mashed potatoes, waffles and hash browns with chips.

Got a text saying: "Congratulations you have won either £1000 cash or tickets to see Elvis Presley. Press 1 for the money, 2 for the show......."

My wife just asked me if her appendix scar made her look unattractive. Apparently the response of "don't worry babe, your tits cover it" wasn't the answer she was looking for.

Scouser went to court accused of having sex with a cat. The judge dismissed the case saying that in his 30 years as a judge he'd never known a scouser put anything into a kitty!

A bloke from Barnsley wakes up with a sore arse. He goes to the shop and says to the shopkeeper "nah then, does tha' sell arse cream?"
The shopkeeper replies "That we do Lad, does tha' want a Magnum or a Cornetto?"

My wife is suffering from depression. She phoned me the other day and said "I feel like jumping in front of a bus and you're not doing anything to help".
So I sent her a timetable.

I cannot stand people who think they're worse off than everybody else.
My mate Don is brilliant. He had a bad accident where he lost his voice and both legs. Does he make a song and dance about it? Does he hell!

 

[kazand]

Happy New Year to you all .Be Safe Happy and Healthy ..lets hope anyway .
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++




Had an Irish mixed grill!! New potatoes, roast potatoes, boiled potatoes, mashed potatoes, waffles and hash browns with chips.

Got a text saying: "Congratulations you have won either £1000 cash or tickets to see Elvis Presley. Press 1 for the money, 2 for the show......."

My wife just asked me if her appendix scar made her look unattractive. Apparently the response of "don't worry babe, your tits cover it" wasn't the answer she was looking for.

Scouser went to court accused of having sex with a cat. The judge dismissed the case saying that in his 30 years as a judge he'd never known a scouser put anything into a kitty!

A bloke from Barnsley wakes up with a sore arse. He goes to the shop and says to the shopkeeper "nah then, does tha' sell arse cream?"
The shopkeeper replies "That we do Lad, does tha' want a Magnum or a Cornetto?"

My wife is suffering from depression. She phoned me the other day and said "I feel like jumping in front of a bus and you're not doing anything to help".
So I sent her a timetable.

I cannot stand people who think they're worse off than everybody else.
My mate Don is brilliant. He had a bad accident where he lost his voice and both legs. Does he make a song and dance about it? Does he hell!

A Happy New Year to you and yours too, a few of them made me chuckle.

 

[colsy]

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^thanks mate ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^


Reminded me of the one about the guy who visited a brothel and demanded to screw the biggest woman they had.
"Well" said the Madame "We have Agatha in room 9 who hasn't been able to get out of the bed for 4 years".
"Perfect!" said the man.
So he jumps on Agatha and starts banging away.
"Do you mind if I switch the light off?" asks the man.
"Not at all" says Agatha "Are you shy?"
" Not I'm not, it's just that the bulb is burning my arse".

====================================

Man driving down a road. Woman driving up same the road. They pass each other. Man shouts out the window "****ING BIG FAT COW". Woman shouts out window "****ING ******!" Woman turns round corner crashes into a huge cow and dies.

Moral of the story? If only women would ****ing listen.

====================================

When four of Santa's elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones, Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her Mum was coming to visit.
This stressed Santa even more.
When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More stress.
Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys. So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum.

When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hidden the liquor and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider pot, and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor.

He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and irritable Santa trudged to the door.
He opened the Door, and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.
The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't it a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?"

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

====================================

Four old timers were playing their weekly game of golf, one remarked how nice it would be to wake up on Christmas morning, roll out of bed and without an argument go directly to the golf course, meet his buddies and play a round.

His buddies all chimed in said "Let's do it! We'll make it a priority; figure out a way and meet here early, Christmas morning".

Months later, that special morning arrives, and there they are on the golf course. The first guy says "Boy this game cost me a fortune! I bought my wife a diamond ring that she can't take her eyes off of".

The second guy says "I spent a ton too. My wife is at home planning the cruise I gave her. She was up to her eyeballs in brochures".

The third guy says "Well my wife is at home admiring her new car, reading the manual".

They all turned to the last guy in the group who is staring at them like they have lost their minds.

"I can't believe you all went to such expense for this golf game. I slapped my wife on the bum and said, 'Well babe, Merry Christmas! It's a great morning... intercourse or golf course...?' She said "Don't forget your hat!".

 

[colsy]

Saturday Sermon

A small church had a very attractive big-busted organist, Linda, and her
breasts were so large that they bounced and jiggled while she played the
organ.

Unfortunately, she distracted the congregation considerably.

The very proper church ladies were appalled. They said something had to
be done about this or they would have to get another organist.

So one of the ladies approached Linda very discreetly about the problem,
and told her to mash up some green persimmons and rub them on her
nipples and over her breasts, which should cause them to shrink in size,
but warned her not to taste any of the green persimmons, because they
are so sour they will make your mouth pucker up, and you won't be able
to talk properly for a while..

The voluptuous organist reluctantly agreed to try it.

The following Sunday morning the minister walked up to the pulpit and said,

"Dew to thircumsthanthis bewond my contwol, we will not hab a thermon
tewday".

 

[colsy]

The Nursing Home

An Arab family was considering putting their grandfather Abdullah in a nursing home. All the Arab Facilities were completely full, so they had to put him in an Italian home.



After a few weeks in the Italian facility, they came to visit Grandpa. How do you like it here?" asked the grandson. "It's wonderful! Everyone here is so courteous and respectful," said grandpa.



"We're so happy for you. We were worried that this was the wrong place for you since you are a little different from everyone."



"Oh, no! Let me tell you about how wonderfully they treat the residents, “Abdullah said with a big smile.



"There's a musician here - he's 85 years old. He hasn't played the violin in 20 years, and everyone still calls him Maestro!



There is a judge in here - he's 95 year old.. He hasn't been on the bench in 30 years and everyone still calls him Your Honor.



There's a dentist here - 90 years old. He hasn't fixed a tooth for 25 years, and everyone still calls him Doctor!



And Me – I haven't had sex for 45 years, and they still call me The ****ing Arab.

 

[colsy]

Life Lesson

A man met a beautiful blonde lady and decided he wanted to marry her right away.

She said, 'But we don't know anything about each other.'

He said, 'That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along.'

So she consented, they were married, and off they went on a honeymoon at a resort.

One morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 metre board and did a two and a half tuck, followed by three rotations in the pike position, at which point he straightened out and cut the water like a knife.

After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel.

She said, 'That was incredible!'

He said, 'I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about each other as we went along.'

So she got up, jumped in the pool and started doing laps.

After seventy-five laps she climbed out of the pool, lay down on her towel and was hardly out of breath.

He said, 'That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?'

'No,' she said, 'I was a prostitute in Hampshire, but I worked both sides of the Solent ' !!

 

[KebabWarrior81]

^^^^^^^

 

[colsy]

Life: This is perhaps the most profound philosophy I have heard in recent times.


"Life is like a penis - simple, relaxed and hanging free . . . it's women who make it hard."

 

[colsy]

Warning for Icy Conditions

A government warning has said that anyone travelling in icy conditions should take:

Shovel, Blankets or sleeping bag

Extra clothing including scarf, hat and gloves

24 hours supply of food and drink

De-Icer

5Kgs of Rock Salt

Torch or lantern with spare batteries

Road Flares and Reflective Triangles

Tow rope

5 gallon petrol can

First Aid Kit

Jump Leads


I looked like a complete idiot on the bus this morning…

 

[KebabWarrior81]

A government warning has said that anyone travelling in icy conditions should take:

Shovel, Blankets or sleeping bag

Extra clothing including scarf, hat and gloves

24 hours supply of food and drink

De-Icer

5Kgs of Rock Salt

Torch or lantern with spare batteries

Road Flares and Reflective Triangles

Tow rope

5 gallon petrol can

First Aid Kit

Jump Leads


I looked like a complete idiot on the bus this morning…

Ha ha lol

 

[guari]

Lol!!

 

[colsy]

A bit late but ....!

With New Year here, I would
like to share a personal experience with my friends about drinking and driving.


As you know, some of us
have been known to have brushes with the authorities from time to time, often on
the way home after a "social session" with family or friends.

Well, two days ago, this
happened to me. I was out for an evening with friends and had more than several
beers followed by a couple of bottles of rather nice red wine and a few vodka
shots. Although relaxed, I still had the common sense to know I was well over
the limit.

That's when I did something
I've never done before - I took a taxi home.

Sure enough on the way
there was a police roadside check, but since it was a taxi they just waved it
past and I arrived home safely without incident.

Now - This was a real
surprise to me, because I had never driven a taxi before. I don't know where I
got it, and now that it's in my garage I don't know what to do with
it.

So, anyway, if you want to
borrow it give me a call.

Happy New Year and be safe
out there.

 

[colsy]

Robot for Sale

FATHER BUYS A LIE DETECTOR ROBOT THAT SLAPS PEOPLE WHEN THEY LIE

He decides to test it out at dinner one night.

The father asks his son what he did that afternoon.

The son says, "I did some homework."

The robot slaps the son.

The son says, "Ok, Ok. I was at a friend's house watching movies."

Dad asks, "What movie did you watch?"

Son says, "Toy Story.”

The robot slaps the son.

Son says, "Ok, Ok, we were watching ****."

Dad says, "What? At your age I didn't even know what **** was."

The robot slaps the father.

Mum laughs and says, "Well, he's certainly your son."

The robot slaps the mother.



Robot for sale.

 

[colsy]

Fishing Rod

> A woman
goes into Discount Fishing Supplies to buy a rod and reel for her

> grandson's birthday.
> She doesn't know which one to get, so she just
picks one and goes over to
> the counter.
> The salesman is standing
there, wearing dark shades.
>
> She says, "Excuse me. Can you tell me
anything about this rod and reel?"
> He says, "Madam, I'm completely
blind; but if you'll drop it on the
> counter, I can tell you
everything you need to know about it from the
> sound it makes."
> She
doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.
> He says,
"That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel
> and
10-lb.Test line.
> It's a good all around combination, and it's
actually on sale this week
> for $44."> She says, "That's amazing that
you can tell all that, just by
> the sound of it dropping on the
counter. I'll take it!"
> As she opens her purse, her credit card drops
on the floor.
> "Oh, that sounds like a Visa card," he says.>
> As
the lady bends down to pick up the card, she accidentally farts.
> At
first she's really embarrassed, but then realises there is no way the

> blind salesman would tell exactly who had farted.
> The man rings up
the sale and says, "That'll be $58.50 please."
> The woman is totally
confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me it
> was on sale for
$44. How did you get $58.50?"
> "The Duck Caller is $11, and the Fish
Bait is $3.50."

 

[colsy]

Mans Random Thoughts

Went out last night and got really wasted. I woke up in the middle of the night next to some chick who was snoring and farting, so I knew I made it home OK!

The wife's back on the warpath again. She was up for making a sex movie
last night, and all I did was suggest we should hold auditions for her part.

I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next crap could spell disaster.

My sister-in-law sat on my glasses and broke them. It was my own fault.
I should have taken them off.

I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night, or "foreplay" as she likes to call it.

After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the wife were
going to commit suicide yesterday. But strangely enough, once she killed
herself, I started to feel a lot better. So I thought, "Screw it, soldier on!"

I woke up this morning at 8, and could smell something was wrong. I got
downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing!
I panicked. I didn't know what to do. Then I remembered McDonald's serves
breakfast until 11:30.

Bought the missus a hamster skin coat last week.
Took her to the fair last night, and it took me 3 hours to get her off the Ferris wheel.

The other night, my wife asked me how many women I'd slept with.
I told her, "Only you. All the others kept me awake all night!"

My missus packed my bags, and as I walked out the front door, she
screamed, "I wish you a slow and painful death, you *******!"
"Oh," I replied, "so now you want me to stay!"

A Catholic boy in confession says, "Bless me Father, I have sinned, I
masturbated while thinking about my sister."
"That's a disgrace," said the priest, "especially when you have two gorgeous brothers."

A government survey has shown that 91% of illegal immigrants come to this country so that they can see their own doctor.

I've just installed strobe lights in the bedroom. It makes the wife look like she's moving during sex.

 

[colsy]

Funnies

Tracey and Sharon are in a perfume shop in Paris smelling all the samples.
"'ere Trace... smell this one it's dead, dead nice"
"Yeah I like that one, Darren would like me wearing that. What's it called?"
"Approche Moi or something"
"Is that foreign? What does it mean?"
"I'll ask the bloke... 'ere mate... what does approche moi mean?"
"Eet seemply means 'Come To Me', Mademoiselle"
"Give us another sniff Sharon..... nah... it doesn't smell like come to me.........."

==============================

A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, "I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir."

The driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60 perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating.

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: "Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control."

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?"

The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did."

As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Darn it, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?"

The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine."

The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket."

The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."

And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??"

The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?"

"Only when he's been drinking."

==============================

Two women had been having a friendly lunch when the subject turned to sex.

"You know, John and I have been having some sexual problems" Linda told her friend. "That's amazing!" Mary replied "So have Tom and I. We're thinking of going to a sex therapist" said Linda. "Oh, we could never do that! Wed be too embarrassed!" responded Mary. "But after you go, will you please tell me how it went?"

Several weeks passed, and the two friends met for lunch again. "So how did the sex therapy work out, Linda?" Mary asked. "Things couldn't be better!" Linda exclaimed. "We began with a physical exam, and afterward the doctor said he was certain he could help us. He told us to stop at the grocery store on the way home and buy a bunch of grapes and a dozen donuts. He told us to sit on the floor nude, and toss the grapes and donuts at each other. Every grape that went into my vagina, John had to get it out with his tongue. Every donut that I ringed his penis with, I had to eat. Our sex life is wonderful, in fact it's better than it's ever been!"

With that endorsement Mary talked her husband into an appointment with the same sex therapist. After the physical exams were completed the doctor called Mary and Tom into his office.

"I'm afraid there is nothing I can do for you" he said. "But doctor" Mary complained "you did such good for Linda and John, surely you must have a suggestion for us! Please, please, cant you give us some help? Any help at all?"

"Well, okay" the doctor answered. "On your way home, I want you to stop at the grocery store and buy a sack of apples and a box of cheerio's..."

=============================

Two executives were deep in a Highland forest, on an adventure weekend arranged by their firm. Neither had any real map-reading skills and they became separated from the other members of their team. All they knew was that the final rendezvous point was a remote pub called 'The Stump Inn'.

They trudged through the woods for hours, hopelessly lost until they came to what looked like a fork in the forestry trail. They couldn't agree on which path to take. Eventually, they decided to take one path each. They shook hands and resolved that the last man back to the pub would pay for the drinks.

Four hours later, the man that chose the correct fork was sitting at the pub fireside, enjoying his pint, when his friend staggered in. He was cut, bleeding, battered and bruised as if he had been mugged by a rugby team.

Once the men in the pub got the man settled, he explained "I must have gone around in circles for hours, until I heard the sound of an idling car engine. I headed toward the sound and found a car in a clearing at the end of what looked like a 'lovers lane'. The car was all steamed up and I couldn't see who was inside, but I could hear more than one voice. So, I thought that I could ask for directions and I knocked on the driver's window. Now, the man in the car must have been a complete psychopath, because as soon as I asked him, 'How far is the Stump Inn?' he jumped out of the car and beat the **** out of me!"


=============================

EMPLOYEE NOTICE
Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown in the economy, the Government has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 50 years of age and above on early, mandatory retirement, thus creating jobs and reducing unemployment.

This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).

Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to the Government to be considered for the SHAFT program (Special Help After Forced Termination).

Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW program (System Covering Retired-Early Workers).

A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as the Government deems appropriate.

Persons who have been RAPED could get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependents & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance).

Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by the Government.

Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on will receive as much **** (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. The Government has always prided themselves on the amount of **** they give our citizens.

Should you feel that you do not receive enough ****, please bring this to the attention of your MP, who has been trained to give you all the **** you can handle.

Sincerely,

The Committee for Economic Value of Individual Lives (E.V.I.L.)

PS. Due to recent budget cuts and the rising cost of electricity, gas and oil, as well as current market conditions, The Light at the End of the Tunnel has been turned off.

=============================

Received a call from a recruitment consultancy.
She said to me: “Sir I have two openings for you…!”
I replied : Yes. I know.
There was a long silence and then she said….. Asshole!

Then I said "I prefer the other one‏"