A few more laughs ....

[colsy]

Job In Harley Street

A man went to Harley Street in London and saw a card advertising for a Gynaecologist's Assistant.

Interested, he went in and asked the receptionist for details.
She pulled up the file and read...

"The job entails preparing ladies for their intimate examination by the gynaecologist.

You have to help the women undress and remove their underwear.
Lay them down and carefully & thoroughly wash their private parts, apply shaving gel and gently shave off their pubic hair, then rub in soothing oils so they're relaxed and ready for the gynaecologist's examination.
The annual salary is £65,000 and if you're interested you'll have to go to Manchester."

"My God, is that where the job is?" asked the man.
She answered, "No sir, that's where the end of the queue is."

 

[colsy]

Little Ralphy

A teacher asks her class, 'If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence
And you Shoot one of them, how many will be left?'
She calls on little Ralphy.
He replies, 'None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot.'
The teacher replies, 'The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking..'
Then little RALPHY says, 'I have a question for YOU.
There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream:
One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream.
The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone.
The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.
Which one is married?'
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, 'Well, I suppose the one
that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.'
To which Little RALPHY replied, 'The correct answer is
'the one with the wedding ring on,' but I like your thinking.'
LITTLE RALPHY ON MATH (Part 2)
Little RALPHY returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.
'Why?' asks the father?
'The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3,'' I said '6', replies RALPHY.
'But that's right!' says his dad.
'Yeah, but then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?''
'What's the ****ing difference?' asks the father.
'That's what I said!'
LITTLE RALPHY ON ENGLISH
Little RALPHY goes to school, and the teacher says,
'Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class.
Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?'
RALPHY says 'Mas-tur-bate..'
Miss Rogers smiles and says, 'Wow, little RALPHY, that's a mouthful.'
Little RALPHY says, 'No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob.'
LITTLE RALPHY ON GRAMMAR (Part 2)
One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked
For a show of hands from those who could use the word 'beautiful'
in the same sentence twice.
First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with,
'My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it.'
'Very good, Suzie,' replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael.
'My mummy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully.'
She said, 'Excellent, Michael!' Then the teacher reluctantly called on little RALPHY.
'Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant,
and he said 'Beautiful, just ****ing beautiful!''
LITTLE RALPHY ON GETTING OLDER
Little RALPHY was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar
after another.
After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said,
'Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you.
It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat.'
Little RALPHY replied, 'My grandfather lived to be 107 years old.'
The man asked, 'Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?'
Little RALPHY answered, 'No, he minded his own ****ing business.
I LOVE Little RALPHY!!!!!

 

[dalegolf215]

where do you get all these

 

[Seat_Salesman]

seems to be only one person telling jokes in this thread

 

[colsy]

where do you get all these

Glad you like them Well I'm crap at anything technical so if I can contribute to the site somehow thats better than nothing .
Mostly I get them forwarded on from friends .

 

[monkee]

I'll help him out a bit...

seems to be only one person telling jokes in this thread

A woman comes home and tells her husband, 'Remember those headaches I've been having all these years ? Well, they're gone.'

'No more headaches?' the husband asks, 'What happened ?'

His wife replies, 'Angie referred me to a hypnotist & he told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat,

I do not have a headache
I do not have a headache
I do not have a headache

Well, it worked ! The headaches are all gone..'

'Well, that is wonderful' proclaims the husband.

His wife then says, 'You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years, why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that ?'

Reluctantly, the husband agrees to try it.

Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the
Bed room. He puts her on the bed and says, 'Don't move, I'll be right back.'

He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.

His wife says, 'WOW ! - that was wonderful !'

The husband says, 'Don't move ! I will be right back.'

He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than the first time.

The wife sits up and her head is spinning 'OH MY GOD' she proclaims.

Her husband again says, 'Don't move, I'll be right back.'

With that, he goes back in the bathroom.

This time, his wife quietly follows him in the bathroom, she sees him standing at the mirror and saying ...

She's not my wife
She's not my wife
She's not my wife'

His funeral service will be held Sunday

 

[colsy]

A U.S. Marine

^^^ ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ keep em coming



The train was quite crowded, and a U.S. Marine walked the entire
length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well
dressed, middle-aged, French woman's poodle.
The war-weary Marine asked, 'Ma'am, may I have that seat?'
The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular
' Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat..'
The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was
under that dog.
'Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired..'
She snorted, 'Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!'
This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little
dog, tossed it out of the train window, and sat down.
The woman shrieked, 'Someone must defend my honour! This American
should be put in his place!'
An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, 'Sir, you Americans seem
to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing.
You hold the fork in the wrong hand.
You drive your cars on the wrong side of the road.
And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out of the window'.

 

[colsy]

What a Pickle

Yossele Zelkovitz worked in a Polish pickle factory and for many years
> he had a powerful desire to put his penis in the pickle slicer.
>
> Unable to stand it any longer, he sought professional help from the
> factory psychologist but after six months, the therapist gave up. He
> advised Yossel to go ahead and do it or he would probably never have
> any peace of mind.
>
> The next day he came home from work very early.
>
> His wife, Sacha, became alarmed and wanted to know what had happened.
>
> Yossel tearfully confessed his tormenting desire to put his penis in
> the pickle slicer.
>
>
> He went on to explain that today he finally went ahead and did it, and
> he was immediately fired.
>
> Sacha gasped and ran over to her husband. She quickly yanked down his
> pants and shorts only to find a normal, completely intact penis.
>
>
>
> She looked up and said, "I don't understand. What about the pickle
> slicer?"
>
>
>
> Yossel replied, "I think she got fired, too."

 

[monkee]

A very distinguished looking Indian lady walks into a tattoo shop and sits down. The owner, amazed at seeing such a sophisticated lady in his shop,runs over immediately and asks if he could help her.

To his shock and utter delight, she lifts up her silk sari and points to her right inner thigh very high up.
" Right here," she says, " I want you to tattoo a clay lamp, and underneath it I want the word Diwali."

Then she points to her left thigh just as high up, and says, "On this side,I want you to tattoo an evergreen tree with lights and tinsel and an angel on top, and underneath it I want the word Christmas'.

The owner looks at her. "Ooh, lady, it's none of my business, but that is probably the most unusual request I've ever heard. Why in the world do you want to do that?"

"Well," the lady said, "I'm sick and tired of my husband always complaining that there's never anything good to eat between Diwali and Christmas."

 

[colsy]

I lost my part time job with LIFELINE AUSTRALIA

I don't know why I was just sacked from my job with Lifeline.

They just wouldn’t talk to me about it.

Here’s what happened ......

A bloke phoned and said, "I'm Abdul Mohammed, and I’m going to kill myself.

I’m lying on the railway track now waiting for the train to come"!

All I said was .....



"Remain calm and stay on the line" !

 

[colsy]

The polish remover

A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl.
Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well.
One day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could
Arrange a divorce for him.
The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the
Circumstances, and asked him the following questions:

Have you any grounds?
Yes, an acre and half and nice little home.

No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?
It made of concrete.

I don't think you understand.

Does either of you have a real grudge?
No, we have carport, and not need one.

I mean what are your relations like?
All my relations still in Poland .

Is there any infidelity in your marriage?
We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.

Does your wife beat you up?
No, I always up before her.

Is your wife a nagger?
No, she white.

Why do you want this divorce?
She going to kill me.

What makes you think that?
I got proof.

What kind of proof?
She going to poison me.

She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom.
I can read English pretty good, and it say:





POLISH REMOVER
============

 

[colsy]

Whaling

Two whales, a male and a female, were swimming side by side in the ocean.

Suddenly, the male whale spots a ship in the distance. He recognizes it as
the whaling ship that killed his father.

Filled with anger, he says to his female companion, "That's the ship that
killed my father! Let's swim closer!"

When they were close enough, the male said, "Why don't we swim under the
ship and blow air through our blow holes and break the ship into a million
pieces? That will be sweet revenge." And the female agreed to this.

So they each took a deep breath of air, swam under the ship and blew
enormous amounts of air under the ship. The ship flew into the air and
crashed back to the sea and broke into a million pieces.

The pair of whales started to swim off when they realized that the sailors
were not dead, but clinging to pieces of wood and floating in the ocean.

The male whale was furious and said to the female whale, "They're still
alive, but I've got another idea. Let's swim around and gulp up all the
sailors!"

That's when the female stopped swimming, looked at the male and said, "Oh
no... I agreed to the blow job but I'm NOT swallowing the seamen!"

 

[colsy]

Confession

An Irish man went to confession in St. Patrick's Catholic Church.
'Father', he confessed, 'it has been one month since my last
confession. I had sex with Fanny Green twice last month.'

The priest told the sinner, 'You are forgiven. Go out and say three
Hail Mary's.'

Soon thereafter, another Irish man entered the confessional. 'Father,
it has been two months since my last confession. I've had sex with
Fanny Green twice a week for the past two months.'

This time, the priest questioned, 'Who is this Fanny Green?'

'A new woman in the neighbourhood,' the sinner replied.

'Very well,' sighed the priest.. Go and say ten Hail Mary's.

At mass the next morning, as the priest prepared to deliver the
sermon, a tall,Voluptuous, drop-dead gorgeous redheaded woman entered
the sanctuary. The eyes of every man in the church fell upon her as
she slowly sashayed up the aisle and sat down right in front
of the priest. Her dress was green and very short, and she wore
matching, shiny emerald-green shoes.
The priest and the altar boy gasped as the woman in the green dress
and matching green shoes sat with her legs spread slightly apart, but
just enough to realise she wasn't wearing any underwear.

The priest turned to the altar boy and whispered,

'Is that Fanny Green?'
The bug-eyed altar boy couldn't believe his ears but managed to calmly reply,
'No Father, I think it's just a reflection from her shoes'.

 

[colsy]

Call me Dave !

Prime Minister Cameron walks into a bank to cash a cheque. As he approaches the cashier he says "Good morning , could you please cash this cheque for me"?

Cashier: "It would be my pleasure Sir. Could you please show me your ID?"

Cameron: "Truthfully, I did not bring my ID with me as I didn't think there was any need to. I am David Cameron, the Prime Minister of Great Britain !!!"

Cashier: "Yes Sir, I know who you are, but with all the regulations, monitoring, of the banks because of impostors and forgers, etc I must insist on seeing ID."

Cameron: "Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and they will tell you. Everybody knows who I am."

Cashier: "I am sorry Prime Minister but these are the bank rules and I must follow them."

Cameron: "I am urging you please to cash this cheque."

Cashier: "Look Prime Minister this is what we can do: One day Justin Rose came into the bank without ID.
To prove he was Justin Rose he pulled out his putting iron and made a beautiful shot across the bank into a cup.
With that shot we knew him to be Justin Rose and cashed his cheque.

Another time, Andy Murray came in without ID. He pulled out his tennis racquet and made a fabulous shot where the tennis ball landed in my cup. With that spectacular shot we cashed his cheque..
So, Prime Minister, what can you do to prove that it is you, and only you, as the Prime Minister of Britain?"


Cameron stood there thinking, and thinking and finally says: "Honestly, there is nothing that comes to my mind."" I can't think of a single thing I'm good at."

Cashier: "Will that be large or small notes, Prime Minister?"

 

[colsy]

Why she changed Hotels

Just last week, she checked into a motel on her 60th birthday. She was pretty lonely at the time. Then she thought, "I'll call one of those men you see advertised in the phone books for escorts and sensual massages."

She flipped through the phone book, found a full page ad for a guy calling himself 'Tender Tony'. He looked like a very handsome man with great muscles flexing in the photo. He had all the right things in all the right places. . . long powerful legs, a dazzling smile, six pack abs and she felt quite certain she could bounce a toonie off his buns. She figured, what the heck, nobody will ever know about it. I'll give him a call.

"Good evening, ma'am, how may I help you?" . . .Oh my, he sounded sooo sexy!

Afraid she would lose her nerve if she hesitated, she rushed right in, "Hi, I hear you give a great massage, I'd like you to come to my motel room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hot, and I want it now. You can bring toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night. You can tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything, I'm really ready now that I've talked to you!! Now how does that sound?"

He said, "Sounds incredible, lady, but you need to press 9 for an outside line."

 

[colsy]

Obama in Scotland

President Barack Obama is visiting a Glasgow hospital.
He enters a ward full of patients with no obvious sign of injury or illness, he greets one.
The patient replies:
Fair fa your honest sonsie face,
Great chieftain o the puddin race,
Aboon them a ye take yer place,
Painch, tripe or thairm,
As langs my airm.

Obama is confused, so he just grins and moves on to the next patient.
The next patient responds:
Some hae meat an canna eat,
And some wad eat that want it,
But we hae meat an we can eat,
So let the Lord be thankit.

Even more confused, the President moves onto the next patient, who immediately begins to chant:
Wee sleekit, cowerin, timorous beasty,
O the panic in thy breasty,
Thou needna start awa sae hastie,
Wi bickering brattle

Now seriously troubled, Obama turns to the accompanying doctor and asks, 'Is this a psychiatric ward?'
'No,' replies the doctor, 'this is the serious Burns unit.'

 

[colsy]

A chuckle a day ..!

One day I met a sweet gentleman and fell in love. When it became apparent that we would marry, I made the supreme sacrifice and gave up

beans. Some months later, on my birthday, my car broke down on the way home from work. Since I lived in the countryside I called my husband

and told him that I would be late because I had to walk home.



On my way, I passed by a small diner and the odour of baked beans was more than I could stand. With miles to walk, I figured that I would walk

off any ill effects by the time I reached home, so I stopped at the diner and before I knew it, I had consumed three large orders of baked beans.

All the way home, I made sure that I released all the gas.



Upon my arrival, my husband seemed excited to see! me and exclaimed delightedly:

"Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight."



He then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat and just as he was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone

rang. He made me promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned and went to answer the call.



The baked beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was becoming most unbearable, so while my husband was out of the

room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running

over a skunk in front of a pulpwood mill. I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously. Then, shifting to the other cheek,

I ripped off three more. The stink was worse than cooked cabbage. Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, I went

on like this for another few minutes. The pleasure was indescribable. When eventually the telephone farewells signalled the end of my freedom, I

quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased with

myself.



My face must have been the picture of innocence when my husband returned, apologizing for taking so long. He asked me if I had peeked through the

blindfold, and I assured him I had not. At this point, he removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests seated around the table screamed out:

"Happy Birthday!"

 

[colsy]

Voted best joke in Ireland

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's
to spending the rest of me Life, between the legs
of me wife !"

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best
toast of the night !

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the
prize for the Best toast of The night."

She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"
John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me
life, sitting in church beside me wife."

"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking
buddies on the street Corner. The man chuckled
leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other
night at The pub with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit
surprised myself. You know, he's only been in
there twice in the last four years. "Once I had to pull him by
the ears to make him come, and the other time he fell
asleep".

 

[colsy]

I have a little Sat Nav

It sits there in my car
A Satnav is a driver's friend
It tells you where you are

I have a little Satnav
I've had it all my life
It’s better than the normal ones
My Satnav is my wife

It gives me full instructions
Especially how to drive
"It's thirty miles an hour", it says
"You're doing thirty five"

It tells me when to stop and start
And when to use the brake
And tells me that it's never ever
Safe to overtake

It tells me when a light is red
And when it goes to green
It seems to know instinctively
Just when to intervene

It lists the vehicles just in front
And all those to the rear
And taking this into account
It specifies my gear.

I'm sure no other driver
Has so helpful a device
For when we leave and lock the car
It still gives its advice

It fills me up with counselling
Each journey's pretty fraught
So why don't I exchange it
And get a quieter sort?

Ah well, you see, it cleans the house,
Makes sure I'm properly fed,
It washes all my shirts and things
And - keeps me warm in bed!

Despite all these advantages
And my tendency to scoff,
I do wish that once in a while
I could turn the damned thing off!

 

[colsy]

Highway code test

You are driving in a car at a constant speed.

On your left side is a 'drop off' , (The ground is 18-24 inches below the level you are travelling on), and on your right side is a fire engine travelling at the same speed as you .....

In front of you is a galloping horse , which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it ...

Behind you is a galloping zebra . Both the horse and zebra are also travelling at the same speed as you ...

What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation ?


Answer ...


Get off the merry -go round , you're pissed