A few more laughs ....

[Jarre]

You are driving in a car at a constant speed.

On your left side is a 'drop off' , (The ground is 18-24 inches below the level you are travelling on), and on your right side is a fire engine travelling at the same speed as you .....

In front of you is a galloping horse , which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it ...

Behind you is a galloping zebra . Both the horse and zebra are also travelling at the same speed as you ...

What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation ?


Answer ...


Get off the merry -go round , you're pissed

Hahaha, I like this one!

 

[colsy]

A group of kindergartners were trying very hard to become accustomed to the first grade.
The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on NO baby talk!

You need to use 'Big People' words,' she was always reminding them.

She asked John what he had done over the weekend?

'I went to visit my Nana'.

No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER.
Use 'Big People' words!'

She then asked Mitchell what he had done
'I took a ride on a choo-choo'.

She said. 'No, you took a ride on a TRAIN.
You must remember to use 'Big People' words'.

She then asked little Alex what he had done?
'I read a book' he replied.

That's WONDERFUL!' the teacher said.

'What book did you read?'



( I love this... )



Alex thought real hard about it,
then puffed out his chest with great pride,
and said,
'Winnie the ****'

 

[colsy]

Irish jokes - don't take offence

Now on sale at IKEA - LESBIAN beds, no nuts or screwing involved, it's all tongue and groove..
.
A Muslim has been shot in the head with a starting pistol; police say it's definitely race related...

Due to a water shortage in Ireland , Dublin swimming baths have announced they are closing lanes 7 and 8...
.
I got a letter from Screw Fix Direct thanking me for my interest, but explaining they were not a dating agency...

Paddy thought his new girlfriend might be the one but after looking through her knicker drawer and finding a nurse's outfit, a French maids outfit, and a police womans uniform, he finally decided if she can't hold down a job, she's not for him

I got sacked from my job as a bingo caller the other day. Apparently, 'A meal for two with a terrible view' isn't the best way to announce number 69

Paddy is doing some roofing work for Murphy He nears the top of the ladder and starts shaking and going dizzy. He calls down to Murphy and says "I tink I will ave to go home, I've come all over giddy and feel sick."Murphy asks "Ave yer got vertigo?"Paddy replies "No I only live round the corner."

After 100 years lying on the sea bed, Irish divers were amazed to find that the Titanics swimming pool was still full!

 

[colsy]

Scottish joke

The Blood Donor*

*An Arab Sheik was admitted to Hospital for heart surgery, but prior to the surgery, the doctors needed to store his blood in case the need arises.

As the gentleman had a rare type of blood, it couldn't be found locally, so, the call went out.

Finally a Scotsman was located who had a similar blood type.

The Scot willingly donated his blood for the Arab. *

After the surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman as appreciation for giving his blood, a new BMW, diamonds & US dollars.

A couple of days later, once again, the Arab had to go through a corrective surgery.

His doctor telephoned the Scotsman who was more than happy to donate his blood again.

After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman a thank-you card and a box of Quality Street chocolates.

The Scotsman was shocked that the Arab did not reciprocate his kind gesture as he had anticipated.

He phoned the Arab and asked him: "I thought you would be generous again, that you would give me a BMW, diamonds & money, but you only gave me a thank-you card and a box of Quality Street ."

To this the Arab replied: "Aye laddie, but I now have Scottish blood in ma veins".

 

[colsy]

Christmas!

First Christmas

Joke

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'

The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It's a candle', he said.

'You

may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.

The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'

Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.

The Irishman started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just

what do those symbolize?'


The paddy replied, 'These are Carols.'

And So The Christmas Season
Begins......

 

[colsy]

Medical advice

Good medical advice from the Jewish sages of old...


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------



1. F***ing once a week is good for your health, but it's harmful if done every day.

2. F***ing relaxes your mind and body.

3. F***ing refreshes you.

4. After f***ing, don’t eat too much; go for more liquids.

5. Try f***ing in bed 'cause it can save your valuable energy.

6. F***ing can even reduce your cholesterol levels.






SO - REMEMBER ..


Fasting is good for your health

and may God cleanse your dirty mind...

 

[colsy]

An experience with drinking and driving !

As you well know, some of us have been lucky not to have had brushes with the authorities on our way home from the various social sessions over the years.



A couple of nights ago, I was out for a few drinks with some friends and had a few too many beers and then topped it off with a Chaser.



Not a good idea.



Knowing full well I was at least slightly over the limit, I did something I've never done before:



I took a taxi home.



Sure enough I passed a police road block but because it was a taxi, they waved it past.



I arrived home safely without incident, which was a real surprise.



I have never driven a taxi before and not sure where I got it from:

 

[colsy]

Ecstasy

He was in ecstasy with a huge smile on his face as his wife moved forwards, then backwards, forward, then backwards again....back and forth...back and forth...in and out...in and out.

Her heart was pounding...her face was flushed...then she moaned, softly at first, then began to groan louder. Finally, totally exhausted, she let out an almighty scream and shouted,
.
.
.
.
.






"OK, OK! I CAN'T park the ****ing car! You do it, you SMUG *******!"

 

[colsy]

Love this Japaense Doctor

Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Heart only good for so many beats, and that it... Don't waste on exercise. Everything wear out eventually. Speeding up heart not make you live longer; it like saying you extend life of car by driving faster. Want to live longer? Take nap.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: Oh no. Wine made from fruit. Fruit very good. Brandy distilled wine, that mean they take water out of fruity bit so you get even more of goodness that way. Beer also made of grain. Grain good too. Bottom up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have body and you have fat, your ratio one to one. If you have two body, your ratio two to one.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of one, sorry. My philosophy: No pain...good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU NOT LISTENING! Food fried in vegetable oil. How getting more vegetable be bad?

Q : Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Oh no! When you exercise muscle, it get bigger. You should only be doing sit-up if you want bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: You crazy?!? HEL-LO-O!! Cocoa bean! Another vegetable! It best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming good for figure, explain whale to me.

Q: Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is shape!

Well... I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

And remember:

Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO-HOO, what a ride!!"

AND.....

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Brits.


2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Brits.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Brits.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Brits.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Brits.

CONCLUSION:
Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

 

[colsy]

Police warning ...no offence !

Be on your guard, just had a warning from police about keys.

We are being warned about 4 keys that can open 87% of cars and 99% of houses.

This is not a joke, the keys you need to be on the look out for are:

Dar-keys, Pak-keys, Pie-keys and Jun-keys.

 

[colsy]

Why women are against marriage - Men enjoy !

For all those men who say, Why buy a cow when you can get the milk for free. Here's an update for you: Nowadays, 80% of women are against marriage, WHY? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage.


1. Men are like Laxatives.
They irritate the **** out of you.
2 Men are likeBananas .........
The older they get, the less firm they are.
3.Men are like Weather .
Nothing can be done to change them.
4.Men are like Blenders.
You need one, but you're not quite sure why.
5. Men are like Chocolate Bars ......
Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.
6. Men are like Commercials ......
You can't believe a word they say.
7. Men are like Department Stores...
Their clothes are always 1/2 off!
8..Men are like ......... Government Bonds ....
They take soooooooo long to mature.
9. Men are like ..... Mascara ......
They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
10.Men are like Popcorn ......
They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
11. Men are like Snowstorms ......
You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get
or how long it will last.
12! ....... Men are likeLava Lamps .
Fun to look at, but not very bright.
13. Men are like Parking Spots.
All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.

 

[colsy]

One for the Road

A man goes to the famous Lucas Carton restaurant in Paris with his girlfriend and orders the 1928 Mouton.
The waiter returns with a bottle full of wine, pours a small amount in the glass for tasting. The customer picks up the glass, smells the wine, and puts it down on the table with a thud.

'This is not the 1928 Mouton.'

The waiter assures him it is, and soon there are another twenty people surrounding the table including the chef and the manager trying to convince the man that the wine is the 1928 Mouton. Finally someone asks him how he knows that it is not the 1928 Mouton.

'My name is Phillipe de Rothschild, and I make the wine.'

Finally, the original waiter steps forward and admits that he poured the Clerc Milon 1928.

"I could not bear to part with our last bottle of 1928 Mouton. You know Clerc Milon, it is in the same village as Mouton, you pick the grapes at the same time, the same cepage, you crush in the same way, you put them
into similar barrels. You bottle at the same time, you even use eggs from the same chickens to fine them. The wines are the same, except for a small matter of geographic location."

Rothschild beckons the waiter forward, and whispers to him,'When you return home tonight, ask your girlfriend to remove her underwear. Put one finger in one opening, another finger in the other, then smell both the fingers. You will understand what difference a small distance in geographic location makes."

 

[colsy]

Birds & Bees and a plea from the heart

A father asked his 10-year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees.

'I don't want to know,' the child said, bursting into tears. 'Promise me you won't tell me.'

Confused, the father asked what was wrong.

The boy sobbed, 'When I was six, I got the 'There's no Easter Bunny' speech...
At seven, I got the 'There's no Tooth Fairy' speech.
When I was eight, you hit me with the 'There's no Santa' speech.
If you're going to tell me that grown-ups don't really shag, I'll have nothing left to live for.'

 

[JamesL]

Love those.

 

[colsy]

Cats

Teacher: "If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you have?"

Johnny: "Seven, Sir."

Teacher: "No, listen carefully.

If I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you have?"

Johnny: "Seven."

Teacher: "Let me put it to you differently.
If I gave you 2 apples, and another 2 apples and another 2, how many will you have?"

Johnny: "Six."

Teacher: "Good. Now if I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and another 2,
how many will you have?"

Johnny: "Seven!!!"

A very angry Teacher: "Where in the hell do you get seven from?!?!?"

A very angry Johnny: "Because,....I've already got a ****in' cat!!!"

 

[colsy]

Gateway to Heaven

It was time for Father John's Saturday evening bath and young sister Magdalene Edwards had prepared the bath water and towels just the way the
old nun had instructed. Sister Magdalene was also instructed not to look at Father John's nakedness if she could help it, do whatever he told her to, and pray.

The next morning the old nun asked Sister Magdalene how the Saturday night bath had gone. "Oh, sister," said the young nun dreamily. "I've been saved."

"Saved? And how did that fine thing come about?" asked the old nun.

"Well, when Father John was soaking in the tub, he asked me to wash him, and while I was washing him he guided my hand down between his legs where he said the Lord keeps the Key to Heaven."

"Did he now," said the old nun evenly.

Sister Magdalene continued, "And Father John said that if the Key to Heaven fit my lock; the portals of Heaven would be opened to me and I
would be assured of salvation and eternal peace, and then Father John guided his Key of Heaven into my lock."

"Is that a fact," said the old nun more evenly.

"At first it hurt terribly, but Father John said the pathway to salvation was often painful and that the glory of God would soon swell my heart with
ecstasy. And it did, it felt so good being saved."

"That wicked old Devil," said the old nun. "He told me it was Gabriel's Horn, and I've been blowing it for 40 years!"

 

[colsy]

Australian Army

Life in the Australian Army...

Text of a letter from a kid from Eromanga to Mum and Dad. (For those of you not in the know, Eromanga is a small town, west of Quilpie in the far south west of Queensland )




Dear Mum & Dad,

I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin' on the farm - tell them to get in bloody quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don't hafta get outta bed until 6am. But I like sleeping in now, cuz all ya gotta do before brekky is make ya bed and shine ya boots and clean ya uniform. No bloody cows to milk, no calves to feed, no feed to stack - nothin'!! Ya haz gotta shower though, but its not so bad, coz there's loadsa hot water and even a light to see what ya doing!

At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs but there's no kangaroo steaks or possum stew like wot Mum makes. You don't get fed again until noon and by that time all the city boys are buggered because we've been on a 'route march' - geez its only just like walking to the windmill in the back paddock!!

This one will kill me brothers Doug and Phil with laughter. I keep getting medals for shootin' - dunno why. The bullseye is as big as a bloody possum's bum and it don't move and it's not firing back at ya like the Johnsons did when our big scrubber bull got into their prize cows before the Ekka
Last year! (Annual Show in Brisbane each year ) All ya gotta do is make yourself comfortable and hit the target - it's a piece of piss really!! You don't even load your own cartridges, they comes in little boxes, and ya don't have to steady yourself against the rollbar of the roo shooting truck when you reload either!

Sometimes ya gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real careful coz they break easy - it's not like fighting with Doug and Phil and Jack and Boori and Steve and Muzza all at once like we do at home after the muster.
Turns out I'm not a bad boxer either and it looks like I'm the best the platoon's got, and I've only been beaten by this one bloke from the Engineers - he's 6 foot 5 and 15 stone and three pick handles across the shoulders and as ya know I'm only 5 foot 7 and eight stone wringin' wet, but I fought him till the other blokes carried me off to the boozer.

I can't complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick before word gets around how bloody good it is.

Your loving daughter,

Sheila

 

[colsy]

Age !

Have you ever been guilty of looking at others your own age and thinking, surely i can't look that old.

Well . . . You'll love this one.


My name is alice , and i was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist.

I noticed his dds diploma on the wall, which bore his full name. Suddenly, i remembered a tall, handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 40-odd years ago.

Could he be the same guy that i had a secret crush on, way back then?

Upon seeing him, however, i quickly discarded any such thought.

This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate.

After he examined my teeth, i asked him if he had attended morgan park high school ...

'yes. Yes, i did. I'm a mustang,' he gleamed with pride.

When did you graduate?' i asked.

He answered, 'in 1967.. Why do you ask?'

you were in my class!', i exclaimed.

He looked at me closely. Then, that ugly, old, bald, wrinkled faced, fat-a###d, gray-haired, decrepit son-of-a-b**ch asked,


'what did you teach??

 

[colsy]

and some more....

I've just been sacked from my new job in the
Wines and Spirits section
At Tesco.
A Muslim came in
and asked if I could recommend a good port.
I said
“Try Dover ”

Marriage Humor

Wife: 'What are you doing?'

Husband: Nothing.

Wife: 'Nothing...? You've been reading our marriage certificatefor an hour.'

Husband: 'I was looking for the expiration date.'

-------------------------------

Wife : 'Do you want dinner?'

Husband: 'Sure! What are my choices?'

Wife: 'Yes or no.'


--------------------------------------------------------

Stress Reliever
Girl: 'When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.'

Boy: 'It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.'

Girl: 'Well, that's because we aren't married yet.'

------------------------------

Son: 'Mum, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.'

Mom: 'Well, you have done the right thing.'

Son: 'But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap..'

________________________________

A newly married man asked his wife, 'Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?'

'Honey,' the woman replied sweetly, 'I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!'

------------------------------------------------------------




A wife asked her husband: 'What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?'

He looked at her from head to toe and replied: 'I like your sense of humor!'

Husbands are husbands

A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the
Head with a frying pan.
'What was that for?' the man asked.
The wife replied 'That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on It that I found in your pants pocket'.
The man then said 'When I was at the races last week Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on'
The wife apologized and went on with the housework.
Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious.
Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again.
Wife replied. 'Your horse phoned'

 

[colsy]

London Zoo

A bloke starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks. First Is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds.

As he does this a huge fish jumps out and bites him. To show who is Boss, he beats it to death with a spade.

Realizing his employer won't be best pleased he disposes of the fish by Feeding it to the lions, as lions will eat anything.

Moving on to the second job of clearing out the Chimp house, he is Attacked by the chimps who pelt him with coconuts.

He swipes at two chimps with a spade killing them both.. What can he do? Feed them to the lions, he says to himself, because Lions eat anything...

He hurls the corpses into the lion enclosure.

He moves on to the last job which is to collect honey from the South American Bees.

As soon as he starts he is attacked by the bees. He grabs the spade and Smashes the bees to a pulp.

By now he knows what to do and shovels them into the lions cage because Lions eat anything.

Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo. He wanders up to another lion and says "What's the food like here?"

The lions say: "Absolutely brilliant, today we had Fish and Chimps with Mushy Bees