A few more laughs ....

[colsy]

In a criminal justice system based on 12 individuals not smart enough to
get out of jury duty, here is a jury to be proud of:
A defendant was on trial for murder. There was strong evidence indicating
guilt, but there was no corpse.
In the defence's closing statement, the lawyer, knowing that his client
would probably be convicted, resorted to a trick.
"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all," the
lawyer said as he looked at his watch. "Within one minute, the person
presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom." He looked
toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked on eagerly.
A minute passed. Nothing happened.
Finally the lawyer said, "Actually, I made up the previous statement. But
you all looked on with anticipation. I, therefore, put it to you that you
have a reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed, and
I insist that you return a verdict of not guilty."
The jury retired to deliberate. A few minutes later, the jury returned
and pronounced a verdict of guilty.
"But how?" inquired the lawyer. "You must have had some doubt; I saw all of you stare at the door."
The jury foreman replied:
"Yes, we did look, but your client didn't."

 

[colsy]

 

[colsy]

 

[martin j.]

Two Men are Drinking in a Bar at the top of the Empire State Building.

One turns to the other and says:-

"You know last week I discovered that if you Jump from the top of this building- by the time you fall to the 10th floor, the winds around the Building are so intense that they carry you around the building and back into the window."

The bartender just shakes his head in disapproval while wiping the Bar down.

The 2nd Man says: "What are you, a friggin Nut or something.??? There is no way in Hell that could happen."

1st Man: "No, it's True let me prove it to you." So he gets up from the Bar, jumps over the balcony, and careens to the street below. When he passes the 10th floor, the high wind whips him around the building and back into the 10th floor window and he takes the elevator back up to the bar.

The 2nd Man tells him: "You know I saw that with my own eyes, but that must have been a One Time Fluke."

1st Man: "No, I'll prove it again" and again he jumps and hurtles toward the street where the 10th floor wind gently carries him around the building and into the window. Once upstairs he urges his fellow drinker to try it.

2nd Man: "Well what the heck, it works, I'll try it." So he Jumps over the balcony, plunges downward, passes the 11th, 10th, 9th, 8th floors screaming and is turned into a pile of mince as he hits the Sidewalk with a great big "SPLAT"..

'
Back upstairs the Bartender turns to the other Drinker and says :-

"You know, Superman, you're a complete **** when you're Drunk."

 

[martin j.]

 

[martin j.]

 

[martin j.]

 

[colsy]

An older gentleman was
on the operating table
awaiting surgery
and he insisted that his son,
a renowned surgeon,
perform the operation.
As he was about to get the anesthesia,
he asked to speak to his son.
"Yes, Dad, what is it?"
"Don't be nervous, son;
do your best,
and just remember,
if it doesn't go well,
if something happens to me,
your mother
is going to come and
live with you and your wife...."

 

[colsy]

I bought a bunch of flowers for my ex once after a big fight and she said
" I suppose I'm expected to be on my back with my legs in the air for a lousy bunch of flowers? "
I said " Don't be stupid !! Surely you have a vase you could put them in

 

[colsy]

The average persons body contains enough bones to make an entire human skeleton

 

[colsy]

 

[colsy]

 

[colsy]

at Least she doesn't complain about his Driving !

 

[martin j.]

I'm not saying its been windy over the weekend, but my wheelie bin is on a speed awareness course next Tuesday.

 

[colsy]

A dwarf with a lisp goes into a stud farm.... 'I'd like to buy a horth' he says.
What sort of horse?', said the owner.
'A female horth,' the owner shows him a mare.
'Nithe horth,' says the dwarf, 'can I thee her eyth?" The owner picks him up shows the eyes.
'Nith eyth', says the dwarf, 'can I thee her teeth?' The owner picks him up shows the teeth.
'Nith teeth,' he says 'now can I see her twot?' The owner picks him up and shoves his head deep inside the horses vagina, pulls him out. The dwarf shakes his head and says 'Perhaps I should weefwaze that... 'Can I see her wun awound?

 

['Little' John]

How do you turn a car into a phone?

 

[martin j.]

 

[martin j.]

 

[martin j.]

 

[colsy]

I tried an experiment on Friday and cancelled my Facebook account and just walked around all day yelling out what I am doing at random times .So far I've got three followers, but I think two of them are cops.