A few more laughs ....
- Thread starter colsy
- Start date
A teacher asks the kids in her 3rd grade class: "What do you want to be when you grow up?
"Little Larry says: "I wanna start out as a Fighter Pilot, then be a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, find me the finest whore, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel throughout Europe, an Infinite Visa Card, and all the while banging her like a loose screen door in a hurricane.”
The teacher, shocked and not knowing what to do with this horrible response from little Larry, decides not to acknowledge what he said and simply tries to continue with the lesson.
"And how about you, Sarah?"
"I wanna be Larry’s whore ..."
"Little Larry says: "I wanna start out as a Fighter Pilot, then be a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, find me the finest whore, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel throughout Europe, an Infinite Visa Card, and all the while banging her like a loose screen door in a hurricane.”
The teacher, shocked and not knowing what to do with this horrible response from little Larry, decides not to acknowledge what he said and simply tries to continue with the lesson.
"And how about you, Sarah?"
"I wanna be Larry’s whore ..."
I was standing at the bar in the Airport
when this small Chinese guy comes in,
stands next to me and starts drinking a beer.
I asked him,
"Do you know any of those martial arts things,
like Kung-Fu, Karate, or Ju-Jitsu?"
He says,
"No, I don't.
And furthermore,
why the hell would you ask me that?
Is it because I'm Chinese?"
"No", I said,
"It's because you're drinking my beer,
you little *****".
when this small Chinese guy comes in,
stands next to me and starts drinking a beer.
I asked him,
"Do you know any of those martial arts things,
like Kung-Fu, Karate, or Ju-Jitsu?"
He says,
"No, I don't.
And furthermore,
why the hell would you ask me that?
Is it because I'm Chinese?"
"No", I said,
"It's because you're drinking my beer,
you little *****".
At the Pharmacy
=============
Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.
The pharmacist at the counter asked the older boy, 'Son, how old are you?'
'Eight', the boy replied.
The man continued, 'Do you know what these are used for?'
The boy replied, 'Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four."
"Oh, really?" the pharmacist replied with a grin.
"Yes." the boy said. "We saw on TV that if you use these, you would be able to swim, play tennis and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do none of those."
=============
Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.
The pharmacist at the counter asked the older boy, 'Son, how old are you?'
'Eight', the boy replied.
The man continued, 'Do you know what these are used for?'
The boy replied, 'Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four."
"Oh, really?" the pharmacist replied with a grin.
"Yes." the boy said. "We saw on TV that if you use these, you would be able to swim, play tennis and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do none of those."
A couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.
Upon their arrival, the doctor said that the hospital was testing an
amazing new high-tech machine that would transfer a portion of the
mother's labour pain to the baby's father.
He asked if they were interested. Both said they were very much in
favour of it. The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters,
explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had
ever experienced before.
But as the labour progressed, the husband felt fine & asked the doctor
to go ahead & kick it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine
to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine.
The doctor then checked the husband's blood pressure & was amazed at
how well he was doing. At this point, they decided to try for 50%.
The husband continued to feel quite well. Since the pain transfer was
obviously helping the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the
doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.
The wife subsequently delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain &
the husband continued to experience no pain. She & her husband were
ecstatic.
When they got home, they found the Window Cleaner dead on their front
porch.
Upon their arrival, the doctor said that the hospital was testing an
amazing new high-tech machine that would transfer a portion of the
mother's labour pain to the baby's father.
He asked if they were interested. Both said they were very much in
favour of it. The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters,
explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had
ever experienced before.
But as the labour progressed, the husband felt fine & asked the doctor
to go ahead & kick it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine
to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine.
The doctor then checked the husband's blood pressure & was amazed at
how well he was doing. At this point, they decided to try for 50%.
The husband continued to feel quite well. Since the pain transfer was
obviously helping the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the
doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.
The wife subsequently delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain &
the husband continued to experience no pain. She & her husband were
ecstatic.
When they got home, they found the Window Cleaner dead on their front
porch.
Two Italian men get on a bus.
They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:
"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time."
"You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'."
Sent from mobile using Tapatalk
They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:
"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time."
"You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'."
Sent from mobile using Tapatalk
I can usually tell if someone is a judgemental just by looking at them!
and
There's one thing I cant stand when I'm drunk - Up
For those of you who are so depressed that you can't even face getting up in the morning because of what faces you, there is good news.
Chris Evans has resigned.
Britain's oldest person, Olive Boar has died aged 113.
"I can't believe it I've finally got the house," said her son, 96.
My mate’s wife would make an excellent burglar.
Her arse would wipe out her footprints.
When I was at University I had an interview with Jacob Rees-Mogg.
I asked him where ideally, he'd most like to take England?
He replied, "Definitely the 80s."
"Thatcher ?"
"No, Richard III... the 1480s."
I banged on my neighbour's door and said, “Your cat has just urinated all over my rhubarb!”
He said, “Sorry, to hear that, is it spoilt?”
“I’ll bloody say!” I huffed, “I was eating it with custard at the time.”
I'm not very good in the bedroom department.
I tried to sell a bunk bed to some newly-weds.
The credit card application asked if I had "Other Income."
So I put down, "Other Credit Cards."
My Gran broke her leg in 3 places today.
Landing, stairs and hallway.
I'm disgusted by people who poach rare animals.
They taste much better grilled.
The Flat-Earth Movement have a proud announcement to make: "We now have followers all around the globe."
While Jim Apple was having trouble introducing himself in France and at a Hotel in Berlin, his friend Gordon Morgan was having similar problems when introducing himself too.
I attended my mate’s Funeral last week – it was very sad as he drowned at sea.
Some of the guests got a bit disgruntled with me because I turned up with a wreath in the shape of a rubber life ring.
I said , "It's what he would have wanted."
I went to see the Doctor about my test results.
He said, "There's good and bad news"
I said, "What's the good news"
He replied, "You're not a hypochondriac".
My new girlfriend got upset because she thinks that I don't like her cooking.
So to prove her wrong I had another slice of gravy.
I got called into Human Resources today because of a couple of incidents and was asked if I knew the difference between left-wing and right-wing.
I told them to get lost as my politics was my business.
They still sacked me though, turns out aircraft are rather expensive to fix.
Road Safety Proposal: Instead of having an airbag on the steering wheel, have a sharp spike to encourage safe driving.
BBC News: "Illegally downloading Pirated films is costing hundreds of millions of pounds a year."
What site are they downloading them off? It's free for me.
Podiatrists say woman's feet are getting wider – from trying to fill men’s shoes no doubt.
Grandad said that, 'slow and steady wins the race.'
He died in a house fire.
My parents are from Glasgow which means they're incredibly hard, but I was never smacked as a child.
Well maybe one or two grams to get me to sleep at night.
I’ve been looking for my ex-wife’s killer for two years.
Nobody wants to do it!
My wife and I stopped at the Motorway Services recently for some breakfast.
We got two fry ups, two coffees and two jam doughnuts.
I got to the cashier and I said, "I'm sorry, love, but I only have a £50 note."
"That's okay," she said, "just put the doughnuts back."
Sports presenter on Pakistani TV: "If you do not wish to know next week’s Cricket results, look away now."
My dad used to tell me, "always leave them wanting more."
Which is probably why he lost his job in Disaster Relief.
I was going to finish with a joke about carpentry.
But I didn't think it wood work.
=========================
ps I've broken my shoulder fell off bloody bike over bars...so bear with me re jokes!
(and it's bloody painful awaiting ct scan and poss op)not happy bunny and cant drive obviously ffer f k sake!
and
There's one thing I cant stand when I'm drunk - Up
For those of you who are so depressed that you can't even face getting up in the morning because of what faces you, there is good news.
Chris Evans has resigned.
Britain's oldest person, Olive Boar has died aged 113.
"I can't believe it I've finally got the house," said her son, 96.
My mate’s wife would make an excellent burglar.
Her arse would wipe out her footprints.
When I was at University I had an interview with Jacob Rees-Mogg.
I asked him where ideally, he'd most like to take England?
He replied, "Definitely the 80s."
"Thatcher ?"
"No, Richard III... the 1480s."
I banged on my neighbour's door and said, “Your cat has just urinated all over my rhubarb!”
He said, “Sorry, to hear that, is it spoilt?”
“I’ll bloody say!” I huffed, “I was eating it with custard at the time.”
I'm not very good in the bedroom department.
I tried to sell a bunk bed to some newly-weds.
The credit card application asked if I had "Other Income."
So I put down, "Other Credit Cards."
My Gran broke her leg in 3 places today.
Landing, stairs and hallway.
I'm disgusted by people who poach rare animals.
They taste much better grilled.
The Flat-Earth Movement have a proud announcement to make: "We now have followers all around the globe."
While Jim Apple was having trouble introducing himself in France and at a Hotel in Berlin, his friend Gordon Morgan was having similar problems when introducing himself too.
I attended my mate’s Funeral last week – it was very sad as he drowned at sea.
Some of the guests got a bit disgruntled with me because I turned up with a wreath in the shape of a rubber life ring.
I said , "It's what he would have wanted."
I went to see the Doctor about my test results.
He said, "There's good and bad news"
I said, "What's the good news"
He replied, "You're not a hypochondriac".
My new girlfriend got upset because she thinks that I don't like her cooking.
So to prove her wrong I had another slice of gravy.
I got called into Human Resources today because of a couple of incidents and was asked if I knew the difference between left-wing and right-wing.
I told them to get lost as my politics was my business.
They still sacked me though, turns out aircraft are rather expensive to fix.
Road Safety Proposal: Instead of having an airbag on the steering wheel, have a sharp spike to encourage safe driving.
BBC News: "Illegally downloading Pirated films is costing hundreds of millions of pounds a year."
What site are they downloading them off? It's free for me.
Podiatrists say woman's feet are getting wider – from trying to fill men’s shoes no doubt.
Grandad said that, 'slow and steady wins the race.'
He died in a house fire.
My parents are from Glasgow which means they're incredibly hard, but I was never smacked as a child.
Well maybe one or two grams to get me to sleep at night.
I’ve been looking for my ex-wife’s killer for two years.
Nobody wants to do it!
My wife and I stopped at the Motorway Services recently for some breakfast.
We got two fry ups, two coffees and two jam doughnuts.
I got to the cashier and I said, "I'm sorry, love, but I only have a £50 note."
"That's okay," she said, "just put the doughnuts back."
Sports presenter on Pakistani TV: "If you do not wish to know next week’s Cricket results, look away now."
My dad used to tell me, "always leave them wanting more."
Which is probably why he lost his job in Disaster Relief.
I was going to finish with a joke about carpentry.
But I didn't think it wood work.
=========================
ps I've broken my shoulder fell off bloody bike over bars...so bear with me re jokes!
(and it's bloody painful awaiting ct scan and poss op)not happy bunny and cant drive obviously ffer f k sake!
cheers m8. I'll try not too!Sorry to hear that bud...just don't watch daytime TV, that will finish you off!
Caught my wife going through the neighbours bins.
She's not nosy. Just s**t at parking
She's not nosy. Just s**t at parking
A lawn bowler was involved in a terrible car crash and was rushed to hospital.
Just before he was put under, the surgeon popped in to see him and says "I have some good news and some bad news". "The bad news is that I have to remove
your right arm!"
"Oh God no!" cries the man "My bowling is over! Please Doc, what's the good news?" Doc "The good news is, I have another one to replace it with, but it's a
woman's arm.
I'll need your permission before I go ahead with the transplant". "Go for it doc" says the man. "As long as I can play bowls again".
The operation went well and a year later the man was out on the local bowls green when he bumped into the surgeon. "G'day mate, how's the new arm?" asks
the surgeon.
"Just great" says the man. "I'm playing the best bowls of my life. My new arm has a much finer touch and my draw bowls have really improved". "That's great"
said the surgeon.
"Not only that" continued the bowler "My handwriting has improved, I've learned how to sew my own clothes and I've even taken up painting landscapes in
water colours". "Unbelievable!" said the surgeon "I'm so glad to hear the transplant was such a great success. Are you having any side effects?"
"Well, just one problem" said the bowler "Every time I get an erection, I also get a headache".
==================================
Dear Mom,
Our Scoutmaster told us to write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and got worried. We are okay. Only one of our tents and 2 sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Adam when it happened. Oh yes, please call Adam's mother and tell her he is okay. He can't write because of the cast. I got to ride in one of the search and rescue Jeeps. It was great. We never would have found Adam in the dark if it hadn't been for the lightning. Scoutmaster Ted got mad at Adam for going on a hike alone without telling anyone. Adam said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably didn't hear him.
Did you know that if you put petrol on a fire, the petrol will blow up? The wet wood didn't burn, but one of the tents did and also some of our clothes.
Matthew is going to look weird until his hair grows back. We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Ted gets the bus fixed. It wasn't his fault about the crash. The brakes worked okay when we left. Scoutmaster Ted said that with a bus that old, you have to expect something to break down; that's probably why he can't get insurance. We think it's a super bus. He doesn't care if we get it dirty, and if it's hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the bumpers. It gets pretty hot with 45 people in a bus made for 24. He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the policeman stopped and talked to us. Scoutmaster Ted is a neat guy. Don't worry, he is a good driver. In fact, he is teaching Horace how to drive on the mountain roads where there aren't any cops. All we ever see up there are huge logging trucks.
This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out to the rapids. Scoutmaster Ted wouldn't let me because I can't swim, and Adam was afraid he would sink because of his cast (it's concrete because we didn't have any plaster), so he let us take the canoe out. It was great. You can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood.
Scoutmaster Ted isn't crabby like some scoutmasters. He didn't even get mad about the life jackets. He has to spend a lot of time working on the bus so we are trying not to cause him any trouble. Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit badges. When Andrew dived into the lake and cut his arm, we all got to see how a tourniquet works.
Steve and I threw up, but Scoutmaster Ted said it was probably just food poisoning from the left-over chicken. He said they got sick that way with food they ate in prison. I'm so glad he got out and became our scoutmaster.
He said he sure figured out how to get things done better while he was doing his time. By the way, what is a pedal-file?
I have to go now. We are going to town to post our letters and buy some more beer and ammo.
Don't worry about anything. We are fine and tonight it's my turn to sleep in the Scoutmaster's tent.
================================================
A local policeman had just finished his shift one cold November evening and was at home with his wife.
"You just won't believe what happened this evening, in all my years on the force I've never seen anything like it".
"Oh yes dear, what happened?"
"I came across two guys down by the canal, one of them was drinking battery acid and the other was eating fireworks".
"Drinking battery acid and eating fireworks!? What did you do with them?"
"Oh that was easy, I charged one and let the other off".
================================================
This one's a bit long but it's a beauty ...
Two Aussie builders, Keith and Ken, are seated either side of a table in a rough pub when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on a stool at the bar. The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the suit.
Ken: "I reckon he's an accountant".
Keith: "No way - he's a stockbroker".
Ken: "He ain't no stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn't come in here!"
The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer gets the better of Ken and he makes for the toilet. On entering the toilet he sees that the suit is standing at a urinal. Curiosity and the several beers get the better of the builder.
Ken: "'Scuse me mate... no offence meant, but me and me mate were wondering what you do for a living?"
Suit: "No offence taken! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession".
Ken: "Oh! What's that then?"
Suit: "I'll try to explain by example... do you have a goldfish at home?
Ken: "Err... hmmm... well yeah, I do as it happens!"
Suit: "Well, it's logical to follow that you keep it in a bowl or in a pond. Which is it?
Ken: "It's in a pond!"
Suit: "Well then it's reasonable to suppose that you have a large garden".
Ken "As it happens, yes I have got a big garden!"
Suit: "Well then it's logical to assume that in this town if you have a large garden then you have a large house?"
Ken: "As it happens I've got a five-bedroom house... built it myself!"
Suit: "Well given that you've built a five-bedroom house it is logical to assume that you haven't built it just for yourself and that you are quite probably married?"
Ken: "Yes I am married, I live with my wife and five children".
Suit: "Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually active with your wife on a regular basis?"
Ken: "Yep! Five or six nights a week!"
Suit: "Well then it is logical to suggest that you do not masturbate very often?"
Ken: "Me? Never!"
Suit: "Well there you are! That's logical science at work!"
Ken: "How's that then?"
Suit: "Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've told you about your sex life!"
Ken: "I see! That's pretty impressive... thanks mate!
Both leave the toilet and Ken returns to his mate.
Keith: "I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does?"
Ken: "Yep! He's a logical scientist!"
Keith: "What's that then?"
Ken: "I'll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish?"
Keith: "Nope".
Ken: "Well then, you're a ******!"
==============================
Just before he was put under, the surgeon popped in to see him and says "I have some good news and some bad news". "The bad news is that I have to remove
your right arm!"
"Oh God no!" cries the man "My bowling is over! Please Doc, what's the good news?" Doc "The good news is, I have another one to replace it with, but it's a
woman's arm.
I'll need your permission before I go ahead with the transplant". "Go for it doc" says the man. "As long as I can play bowls again".
The operation went well and a year later the man was out on the local bowls green when he bumped into the surgeon. "G'day mate, how's the new arm?" asks
the surgeon.
"Just great" says the man. "I'm playing the best bowls of my life. My new arm has a much finer touch and my draw bowls have really improved". "That's great"
said the surgeon.
"Not only that" continued the bowler "My handwriting has improved, I've learned how to sew my own clothes and I've even taken up painting landscapes in
water colours". "Unbelievable!" said the surgeon "I'm so glad to hear the transplant was such a great success. Are you having any side effects?"
"Well, just one problem" said the bowler "Every time I get an erection, I also get a headache".
==================================
Dear Mom,
Our Scoutmaster told us to write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and got worried. We are okay. Only one of our tents and 2 sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Adam when it happened. Oh yes, please call Adam's mother and tell her he is okay. He can't write because of the cast. I got to ride in one of the search and rescue Jeeps. It was great. We never would have found Adam in the dark if it hadn't been for the lightning. Scoutmaster Ted got mad at Adam for going on a hike alone without telling anyone. Adam said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably didn't hear him.
Did you know that if you put petrol on a fire, the petrol will blow up? The wet wood didn't burn, but one of the tents did and also some of our clothes.
Matthew is going to look weird until his hair grows back. We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Ted gets the bus fixed. It wasn't his fault about the crash. The brakes worked okay when we left. Scoutmaster Ted said that with a bus that old, you have to expect something to break down; that's probably why he can't get insurance. We think it's a super bus. He doesn't care if we get it dirty, and if it's hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the bumpers. It gets pretty hot with 45 people in a bus made for 24. He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the policeman stopped and talked to us. Scoutmaster Ted is a neat guy. Don't worry, he is a good driver. In fact, he is teaching Horace how to drive on the mountain roads where there aren't any cops. All we ever see up there are huge logging trucks.
This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out to the rapids. Scoutmaster Ted wouldn't let me because I can't swim, and Adam was afraid he would sink because of his cast (it's concrete because we didn't have any plaster), so he let us take the canoe out. It was great. You can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood.
Scoutmaster Ted isn't crabby like some scoutmasters. He didn't even get mad about the life jackets. He has to spend a lot of time working on the bus so we are trying not to cause him any trouble. Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit badges. When Andrew dived into the lake and cut his arm, we all got to see how a tourniquet works.
Steve and I threw up, but Scoutmaster Ted said it was probably just food poisoning from the left-over chicken. He said they got sick that way with food they ate in prison. I'm so glad he got out and became our scoutmaster.
He said he sure figured out how to get things done better while he was doing his time. By the way, what is a pedal-file?
I have to go now. We are going to town to post our letters and buy some more beer and ammo.
Don't worry about anything. We are fine and tonight it's my turn to sleep in the Scoutmaster's tent.
================================================
A local policeman had just finished his shift one cold November evening and was at home with his wife.
"You just won't believe what happened this evening, in all my years on the force I've never seen anything like it".
"Oh yes dear, what happened?"
"I came across two guys down by the canal, one of them was drinking battery acid and the other was eating fireworks".
"Drinking battery acid and eating fireworks!? What did you do with them?"
"Oh that was easy, I charged one and let the other off".
================================================
This one's a bit long but it's a beauty ...
Two Aussie builders, Keith and Ken, are seated either side of a table in a rough pub when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on a stool at the bar. The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the suit.
Ken: "I reckon he's an accountant".
Keith: "No way - he's a stockbroker".
Ken: "He ain't no stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn't come in here!"
The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer gets the better of Ken and he makes for the toilet. On entering the toilet he sees that the suit is standing at a urinal. Curiosity and the several beers get the better of the builder.
Ken: "'Scuse me mate... no offence meant, but me and me mate were wondering what you do for a living?"
Suit: "No offence taken! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession".
Ken: "Oh! What's that then?"
Suit: "I'll try to explain by example... do you have a goldfish at home?
Ken: "Err... hmmm... well yeah, I do as it happens!"
Suit: "Well, it's logical to follow that you keep it in a bowl or in a pond. Which is it?
Ken: "It's in a pond!"
Suit: "Well then it's reasonable to suppose that you have a large garden".
Ken "As it happens, yes I have got a big garden!"
Suit: "Well then it's logical to assume that in this town if you have a large garden then you have a large house?"
Ken: "As it happens I've got a five-bedroom house... built it myself!"
Suit: "Well given that you've built a five-bedroom house it is logical to assume that you haven't built it just for yourself and that you are quite probably married?"
Ken: "Yes I am married, I live with my wife and five children".
Suit: "Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually active with your wife on a regular basis?"
Ken: "Yep! Five or six nights a week!"
Suit: "Well then it is logical to suggest that you do not masturbate very often?"
Ken: "Me? Never!"
Suit: "Well there you are! That's logical science at work!"
Ken: "How's that then?"
Suit: "Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've told you about your sex life!"
Ken: "I see! That's pretty impressive... thanks mate!
Both leave the toilet and Ken returns to his mate.
Keith: "I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does?"
Ken: "Yep! He's a logical scientist!"
Keith: "What's that then?"
Ken: "I'll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish?"
Keith: "Nope".
Ken: "Well then, you're a ******!"
==============================
Son: “Dad, we’re learning about prisms at school. They’re fascinating”.
Dad: “That’s good son, because as a dyslexic black boy, you’re bound to end up in one.”
Paddy decides to take up boxing and goes for the required medical. A few days later the doctor ‘phones and says “Paddy, you realise you’ve got sugar diabetes.”Paddy says, “Nice one, when do I fight him?”
It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Cokey. But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.
Paddy caught his Wife having an affair and decided to kill her and himself. He puts the gun to his head, looks at his Wife and says "Don't laugh, your next!!"
Little boy gets home from school and says "Dad, I've got a part in the school play as a man who's been married for 25 years.His Dad replies "Never mind Son. Maybe next time you'll get a speaking part!!"
Two Irishmen looking through a mail order catalogue, Paddy says "Look at these gorgeous women! The prices are reasonable too. Mick agrees "I'm ordering one right now. 3 weeks later Paddy says to Mick "Has your woman turned up yet?"No" said Mick "but it shouldn't be long now though. Her clothes arrived yesterday!!
A dwarf goes to a very good but very busy doctor and asks "I know you are busy but do you treat dwarves?"The doctor replies "Yes, but you will have to be a little patient".
In hindsight I should have posted my Facebook status as: "I've blown the head gasket on my 1997 XR3i" rather than "I've just buggered a 20 year old escort".The police still haven't seen the funny side, my lap top's been confiscated, and the wife has gone off to her mother.
A Yorkshireman takes his cat to the vet.
Yorkshireman: "Ayup, lad, I need to talk to thee about me cat."
Vet: "Is it a tom?"
Yorkshireman: "Nay, I've browt it with us."
.............................. .............................. . ....................
A Yorkshireman's dog dies and as it was a favourite pet he decides to have a gold statue made by a jeweller to remember the dog by.
Yorkshireman: "Can tha mek us a gold statue of yon dog?"
Jeweller: "Do you want it 18 carat?"
Yorkshireman: "No I want it chewin' a bone yer daft bugger!"
.............................. . .............................. ...................
The last is always best
Bloke from Barnsley with piles asks chemist "Nah then lad, does tha sell arse cream?"
Chemist replies "Aye, Magnum or Cornetto?"
Dad: “That’s good son, because as a dyslexic black boy, you’re bound to end up in one.”
Paddy decides to take up boxing and goes for the required medical. A few days later the doctor ‘phones and says “Paddy, you realise you’ve got sugar diabetes.”Paddy says, “Nice one, when do I fight him?”
It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Cokey. But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.
Paddy caught his Wife having an affair and decided to kill her and himself. He puts the gun to his head, looks at his Wife and says "Don't laugh, your next!!"
Little boy gets home from school and says "Dad, I've got a part in the school play as a man who's been married for 25 years.His Dad replies "Never mind Son. Maybe next time you'll get a speaking part!!"
Two Irishmen looking through a mail order catalogue, Paddy says "Look at these gorgeous women! The prices are reasonable too. Mick agrees "I'm ordering one right now. 3 weeks later Paddy says to Mick "Has your woman turned up yet?"No" said Mick "but it shouldn't be long now though. Her clothes arrived yesterday!!
A dwarf goes to a very good but very busy doctor and asks "I know you are busy but do you treat dwarves?"The doctor replies "Yes, but you will have to be a little patient".
In hindsight I should have posted my Facebook status as: "I've blown the head gasket on my 1997 XR3i" rather than "I've just buggered a 20 year old escort".The police still haven't seen the funny side, my lap top's been confiscated, and the wife has gone off to her mother.
A Yorkshireman takes his cat to the vet.
Yorkshireman: "Ayup, lad, I need to talk to thee about me cat."
Vet: "Is it a tom?"
Yorkshireman: "Nay, I've browt it with us."
.............................. .............................. . ....................
A Yorkshireman's dog dies and as it was a favourite pet he decides to have a gold statue made by a jeweller to remember the dog by.
Yorkshireman: "Can tha mek us a gold statue of yon dog?"
Jeweller: "Do you want it 18 carat?"
Yorkshireman: "No I want it chewin' a bone yer daft bugger!"
.............................. . .............................. ...................
The last is always best
Bloke from Barnsley with piles asks chemist "Nah then lad, does tha sell arse cream?"
Chemist replies "Aye, Magnum or Cornetto?"
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